"Here, hon, Come on in." It's cooler in here, the building is well insulated, the porches shade it nicely...this 'California Bungalow' architecture certainly works well...Hang my sweater up behind the door, put my bag down by my desk. "Can I get you something? Soda? cold spring water?" It's not like the water here is bad, it's great-some is spring
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Comments 11
"Here you go." She hands me the water and I take it with a smile, sitting in one of the big wooden chairs and taking a sip.
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I start to think of that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. What if, just what if...I could erase all the memories of Shaun from my mind, what he did to me, how I put up with it, my stupidity and naivite. But then all the firsts, first meeting, first kiss, first date...all the good things would be gone too, and everything in between. No. Best to deal with it than just try to forget. Even if it's painful, I'm doing something about it now. So I guess that's good. Getting healthy, yeah...dealing with, instead of forgetting about. For me...
I know if Ke knew that I was doing all this...he'd want to make sure it was for me, and not for him. But this is for me. I can't continue on not knowing, having nightmares, having dreams about Orli...and just feeling altogether, unhealthy.
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Going into the exam room, I find the plastic, disposable speculum that is part of my teaching kit about girls, and wonder: what have I been doing, all this time? Waiting for someone else to be the adult? To tell me what to do? Shake my head as though to rid it of a spell, some evil enchantment placed before I even came up here to work, certainly before I decided to make this my home base, and got inundated with suicides and fights and lost babies...addictions, lost loves...
"Here. This is a speculum. It's clean, never used, just for teaching. I can show you how it works, or you can play with it, handle it..."
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