Scarlett Appointment, part two:

May 13, 2005 15:49

"Here, hon, Come on in." It's cooler in here, the building is well insulated, the porches shade it nicely...this 'California Bungalow' architecture certainly works well...Hang my sweater up behind the door, put my bag down by my desk. "Can I get you something? Soda? cold spring water?" It's not like the water here is bad, it's great-some is spring ( Read more... )

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xx_scarlett_xx May 14 2005, 00:23:15 UTC
"Um, sure...the water sounds good." Pure, clean and cold. After the tea I had this morning I sure could use something cold...and after all the talk too. My face is so hot from embarrassment, from crying.

"Here you go." She hands me the water and I take it with a smile, sitting in one of the big wooden chairs and taking a sip.

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livelier May 14 2005, 00:29:14 UTC
"It got warm out there, didn't it? But this office-this is a gift. Are you ok? Not seeing ghosts, are you?" I walk to the sink, wring out a clean cloth in cool water, and bring it to her. "Secrets, thigs that trap us-it's hard, trying to get free. Sometimes-I've felt like I had to gnaw part of myself off, to get free-but it's worth it, always, in the end. Always." Thinking of my conversations with Ang, bits, pieces...and with Rachel, coming to be a true friend...I'm so lucky...

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xx_scarlett_xx May 14 2005, 00:56:32 UTC
"Thanks" I take the cloth from her and just touch it to my cheeks and around the back of my neck, sighing slightly, thankful for the coolness.

I start to think of that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. What if, just what if...I could erase all the memories of Shaun from my mind, what he did to me, how I put up with it, my stupidity and naivite. But then all the firsts, first meeting, first kiss, first date...all the good things would be gone too, and everything in between. No. Best to deal with it than just try to forget. Even if it's painful, I'm doing something about it now. So I guess that's good. Getting healthy, yeah...dealing with, instead of forgetting about. For me...

I know if Ke knew that I was doing all this...he'd want to make sure it was for me, and not for him. But this is for me. I can't continue on not knowing, having nightmares, having dreams about Orli...and just feeling altogether, unhealthy.

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livelier May 14 2005, 04:19:00 UTC
She sits, quietly, contemplatively. the cool cloth comforting, seeming to ground her. Memories are what we make our lives of, the beads we string together to pray over, or let slip...Even a painful memory is better than none.

Going into the exam room, I find the plastic, disposable speculum that is part of my teaching kit about girls, and wonder: what have I been doing, all this time? Waiting for someone else to be the adult? To tell me what to do? Shake my head as though to rid it of a spell, some evil enchantment placed before I even came up here to work, certainly before I decided to make this my home base, and got inundated with suicides and fights and lost babies...addictions, lost loves...

"Here. This is a speculum. It's clean, never used, just for teaching. I can show you how it works, or you can play with it, handle it..."

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