This is really nice and crisp. The best part IMO is this couplet:
i observe to you how the purple flower blooms so delicate under your sill
those you planted yourself pressing your thumbs into the sharp still-damp earth
In the second part, "pale" and "of no color" seemed redundant, as does "gaping maw" and "wound," and you could probably eliminate "very" and "ready" (again, seems redundant) from "eagerness evident." Unless the repetitive quality is intended, in which case, disregard all my comments in that vein. :-)
"He talks words"--wouldn't "He speaks words" be less awkward? Again, unless you intend an idiosyncratic use here.
Thank you very much for your review. I liked that you pointed out my unthinking repetition in regard to "pale" and "no colour" as well as "very" and "ready" (I'll have to work on those). They often have different meanings in my mind as I'm writing (as in the case of "gaping maw" and "wound"), but in these cases they're simply confusing - my own error. As to "he talks words", I did intend that as an idiosyncratic use for various reasons, though I might reconsider it if it jars the flow of the poem.
simple poem but the eroticism seems hampered by some awkward choice of words, "undressing at the window/undiminished..." which i find hard to connect. also, i would not use the word, "erotic" in an erotic poem- it spoils the reader too much.
the alliteration, "eagerness evident" i don't feel very much for it either. perhaps erinya is right to kill the words at the front and the end. otherwise, the other stanzas flows quite decently.
"he talks words"- childish treatment which at best, appears ungrammatical but i think thats what gives the poem simplicity.
Comments 3
i observe to you
how the purple flower blooms
so delicate
under your sill
those you planted yourself
pressing your thumbs
into the sharp still-damp
earth
In the second part, "pale" and "of no color" seemed redundant, as does "gaping maw" and "wound," and you could probably eliminate "very" and "ready" (again, seems redundant) from "eagerness evident." Unless the repetitive quality is intended, in which case, disregard all my comments in that vein. :-)
"He talks words"--wouldn't "He speaks words" be less awkward? Again, unless you intend an idiosyncratic use here.
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As to "he talks words", I did intend that as an idiosyncratic use for various reasons, though I might reconsider it if it jars the flow of the poem.
Thanks again. :)
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the alliteration, "eagerness evident" i don't feel very much for it either. perhaps erinya is right to kill the words at the front and the end. otherwise, the other stanzas flows quite decently.
"he talks words"- childish treatment which at best, appears ungrammatical but i think thats what gives the poem simplicity.
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