Anti-normal
I know I shouldn't be up writing this late on a school night, but I needed to get this out.
For a long time, I refuse to think of myself as normal.
I still don't.
There was a postsecret I saw a few months back that said 'I like to pretend that I'm different, but really I just don't know how to fit in,'.
When I read that, I almost cried, because it's pretty much the best way I can describe myself, but someone else did it first.
It's true, but as I have said innumerable times, I have a contradictory personality, and besides the fact that I don't know how to fit in, there is also the fact that I don't want to.
I don't mean to say, I don't want to get on with people, or I want people to treat me like a social leper, because that would be a lie.
I just want to be myself. No responsibilities, and no rules.
I want to have my freedom.
One of the strangest and most contradictory things about me is that when I'm part of a group, it makes me happy to be able to share my thoughts and ideas, and to think that there are other people like me.
At the same time, it makes me depressed. I become consumed with the notion that I shall never be unique, be different, make my mark on the world. When I die, who will remember me? It reminds me that there are a thousand people who want what I want, do what I do, but want it more and do it better, and that is why I feel I must be different.
I want to be the person that people look up to as confident, and creative. I want to be that person that people want to know, because they are genuinely fun to be around. I want to be that person that can do whatever they set their mind to and do it well.
It recently, very recently in fact (last week), occured to me that I have no purpose in life. I was having trouble studying for my exams, procrastinating badly, and I'd previously told one of my teachers. She told me not to worry, because as soon as exams came round, I would snap out of it.
I didn't, of course.
So, I went back to see her again, post-exams, and told her that. I told her I had no motivation.
The first thing that she asked me was; "Why are you taking the HSC?"
Almost immediately, I replied, "So I can go to university."
We talked for a bit more, mainly her expressing disbelief that I had no drive, and me asserting that by backing it up with things like the fact I spent 8 hours procrastinating prior to every exam. And I'm not exaggerating.
When I got home I realised something.
I don't want to go to university.
I don't want to go to university, I don't want to get a job, I don't want to get married, I don't want to have kids.
I know an awful lot about what I don't want. Not a lot about what I do want.
Actually, let me rephrase that.
I don't know what I want that is actually achievable.
I'm probably going to have to explain myself...
In my ideal world, I would pretty much live like Leonardo Da Vinci did, spending my days in the pursuit of knowledge, and improving my own abilities and the like.
Obviously, I cannot do this, unless miraculously, I become sole heir to a billionaire, or some equally unlikely windfall, so my options become fairly limited to 'go to uni, get a job, work'.
But even the jobs I want become limited, because, if I want to have even a semblance of freedom within my working life, I need money. To clarify - money is not important to me. But freedom is, and it is very difficult in this world to have freedom if you don't have money.
The jobs I would like to have include things like being a writer, or a mangaka, or a research scientist, or a forensic anthropologist, or research psychologist, and so on. Low paying jobs. One of the few that would be higher paying would be going into some field in computing, but the IT field is overcrowded and very competitive, so it's really unlikely that I'll get in. To be a white hat hacker, and get employed, it's usually recommended you go to gaol for being an awesome hacker first.
I don't know what I'm going to do, and that is scaring me, and it's also making me despair a little bit, because the way I'm looking at it now, I only have until the beginning of next term to live my ideal existance, and then I have to face reality.
I don't even know what to do in my gap year, or what University I want to go to, or what course to do if/when I get there, or what job I want.
I'm stuck in a maze, but all the paths I want to take are dead ends.
I want to write novels and poems. I want to sing songs. I want to paint pictures. I want to write songs. I want to learn everything. I want to read. I want to dance. I want to learn martial arts, and par kour. I want to travel everywhere. I want to be confident. I want to make new friends. I want to make beautiful things and sell them. I want to create TV shows and manga volumes. I want to experience everything.
I want to be me.
So screw conventional rules of conduct. Screw societal expectations. I will do what I want to, and I won't care what anyone else thinks. I will sing out loud when I'm listening to my iPod walking down the street, and I will dance. I will say what I think, not what I think I should say. I will act however I want, and tell people when they are boring me. If something is boring I WILL GET RID OF IT!
The only thing is convincing my brain to go along with this.
...
Aside from that extremely self-centred rant, this will be followed by... more of me being self-centred.
One of my other recent revelations is that I am very self centred, and that maybe that's one of the things that I can't change.
I feel... sort of hollow inside, like things that affect other people just don't seem to affect me the same way. Hank Green said he deals with everything very rationally. Maybe that's how I deal? Maybe that's why I don't have many close friends.
Or maybe it's the fact that I don't like responsibility, so I make excuses all the time. In fact, even making this statement is an excuse. I never wanted responsibility. Even to the degree that I don't want to get married because I feel like it will limit my freedom. All I want is to be able to achieve my own goals independent of anyone else's wishes, and expectations.
Which is extremely self-centred.
I just realised what I want to do. I am going to buy a boat, and sail around, and see the world. Ok. I'm being completely serious when I say that is my life's goal. Seriously, it's perfect. I won't need a job, I can see the world, I can provide my own food, travel wherever I want, and spend all my time dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge, which is pretty much all I want to do with my life at this point - learn and discover. The only main problems I can currently think of with this plan are: internet (how am I going to get it?), how am I going to pay for necessities (probably have some sort of passive income that I don't need to continually work for, like a novel or something), how am I going to raise enough money to buy the boat, and how I'm going to keep myself fit/teach myself par kour etc.
Anyway, I'm going to go to bed now, since I've vented and feel a lot better. Thanks for reading this, by the way.
I'll probably dream of boats. I love boats.
For a long time, I refuse to think of myself as normal.
I still don't.
There was a postsecret I saw a few months back that said 'I like to pretend that I'm different, but really I just don't know how to fit in,'.
When I read that, I almost cried, because it's pretty much the best way I can describe myself, but someone else did it first.
It's true, but as I have said innumerable times, I have a contradictory personality, and besides the fact that I don't know how to fit in, there is also the fact that I don't want to.
I don't mean to say, I don't want to get on with people, or I want people to treat me like a social leper, because that would be a lie.
I just want to be myself. No responsibilities, and no rules.
I want to have my freedom.
One of the strangest and most contradictory things about me is that when I'm part of a group, it makes me happy to be able to share my thoughts and ideas, and to think that there are other people like me.
At the same time, it makes me depressed. I become consumed with the notion that I shall never be unique, be different, make my mark on the world. When I die, who will remember me? It reminds me that there are a thousand people who want what I want, do what I do, but want it more and do it better, and that is why I feel I must be different.
I want to be the person that people look up to as confident, and creative. I want to be that person that people want to know, because they are genuinely fun to be around. I want to be that person that can do whatever they set their mind to and do it well.
It recently, very recently in fact (last week), occured to me that I have no purpose in life. I was having trouble studying for my exams, procrastinating badly, and I'd previously told one of my teachers. She told me not to worry, because as soon as exams came round, I would snap out of it.
I didn't, of course.
So, I went back to see her again, post-exams, and told her that. I told her I had no motivation.
The first thing that she asked me was; "Why are you taking the HSC?"
Almost immediately, I replied, "So I can go to university."
We talked for a bit more, mainly her expressing disbelief that I had no drive, and me asserting that by backing it up with things like the fact I spent 8 hours procrastinating prior to every exam. And I'm not exaggerating.
When I got home I realised something.
I don't want to go to university.
I don't want to go to university, I don't want to get a job, I don't want to get married, I don't want to have kids.
I know an awful lot about what I don't want. Not a lot about what I do want.
Actually, let me rephrase that.
I don't know what I want that is actually achievable.
I'm probably going to have to explain myself...
In my ideal world, I would pretty much live like Leonardo Da Vinci did, spending my days in the pursuit of knowledge, and improving my own abilities and the like.
Obviously, I cannot do this, unless miraculously, I become sole heir to a billionaire, or some equally unlikely windfall, so my options become fairly limited to 'go to uni, get a job, work'.
But even the jobs I want become limited, because, if I want to have even a semblance of freedom within my working life, I need money. To clarify - money is not important to me. But freedom is, and it is very difficult in this world to have freedom if you don't have money.
The jobs I would like to have include things like being a writer, or a mangaka, or a research scientist, or a forensic anthropologist, or research psychologist, and so on. Low paying jobs. One of the few that would be higher paying would be going into some field in computing, but the IT field is overcrowded and very competitive, so it's really unlikely that I'll get in. To be a white hat hacker, and get employed, it's usually recommended you go to gaol for being an awesome hacker first.
I don't know what I'm going to do, and that is scaring me, and it's also making me despair a little bit, because the way I'm looking at it now, I only have until the beginning of next term to live my ideal existance, and then I have to face reality.
I don't even know what to do in my gap year, or what University I want to go to, or what course to do if/when I get there, or what job I want.
I'm stuck in a maze, but all the paths I want to take are dead ends.
I want to write novels and poems. I want to sing songs. I want to paint pictures. I want to write songs. I want to learn everything. I want to read. I want to dance. I want to learn martial arts, and par kour. I want to travel everywhere. I want to be confident. I want to make new friends. I want to make beautiful things and sell them. I want to create TV shows and manga volumes. I want to experience everything.
I want to be me.
So screw conventional rules of conduct. Screw societal expectations. I will do what I want to, and I won't care what anyone else thinks. I will sing out loud when I'm listening to my iPod walking down the street, and I will dance. I will say what I think, not what I think I should say. I will act however I want, and tell people when they are boring me. If something is boring I WILL GET RID OF IT!
The only thing is convincing my brain to go along with this.
...
Aside from that extremely self-centred rant, this will be followed by... more of me being self-centred.
One of my other recent revelations is that I am very self centred, and that maybe that's one of the things that I can't change.
I feel... sort of hollow inside, like things that affect other people just don't seem to affect me the same way. Hank Green said he deals with everything very rationally. Maybe that's how I deal? Maybe that's why I don't have many close friends.
Or maybe it's the fact that I don't like responsibility, so I make excuses all the time. In fact, even making this statement is an excuse. I never wanted responsibility. Even to the degree that I don't want to get married because I feel like it will limit my freedom. All I want is to be able to achieve my own goals independent of anyone else's wishes, and expectations.
Which is extremely self-centred.
I just realised what I want to do. I am going to buy a boat, and sail around, and see the world. Ok. I'm being completely serious when I say that is my life's goal. Seriously, it's perfect. I won't need a job, I can see the world, I can provide my own food, travel wherever I want, and spend all my time dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge, which is pretty much all I want to do with my life at this point - learn and discover. The only main problems I can currently think of with this plan are: internet (how am I going to get it?), how am I going to pay for necessities (probably have some sort of passive income that I don't need to continually work for, like a novel or something), how am I going to raise enough money to buy the boat, and how I'm going to keep myself fit/teach myself par kour etc.
Anyway, I'm going to go to bed now, since I've vented and feel a lot better. Thanks for reading this, by the way.
I'll probably dream of boats. I love boats.