i've had a horrific few days

[lizardsmae]

First I had plans to watch a friends son at my house in San Diego. She did not recall me asking to keep the child at my place and so I was obligated to watch the child up in OC. Second she texts me to tell me said child got suspended from school and so would be a restriction the entire time I was watching him. It is hard enough to watch someone else's child for 4 days and nights without having to be the enforcer of punishments. Thirdly an hour before I leave for this babysitting job (read 2 am here) my girl tells me she is cannot afford rent and is quitting her job and going to SF. Mind you she is the roommate of the friend whose son I am watching. I encourage her to give my friend 30 days notice get off the phone and start balling. We have only been dating for a few months but it is really intense and sweet and I really really love her. I try to sleep for an hour somewhat unsuccessfully. My partner, another friend T. and I drive up to OC. They load the car up and are off. T. lets me borrow his car cause Dawn and I's wife has ours. I am in my friends home and spend 2 days with a nine year old on lock down. Saturday I am driving my gf and the boy to Del Mar where i had previous promised my wife I would help babysit our niece and nephews (ages 6 months, 2, 4 respectively). T. car breaks down on the highway. I hear chunk crash crash. I manage to pull over an unwieldly car to the side of the road. I call AAA. We get dropped off in Del Mar. The car gets towed to an OC dealership which turns out not to be open and then to my friends house. I am hoping that a rock hit the oilpan and sheared it off. The car has dumped a ton of oil. We watch the niece and nephews. Shelly drops off me, the child and my gf in OC. I am scared and overwhelmed and pressure my girl into sex when we get home. This trips all of her triggers and she does not even realize how upset she is until the next day. V. comes up the next day. We jack up the car and no it is not the oilpan. The engine's crankshaft threw a piston and put two holes in the engine. At some point we are in the kitchen and I tell V. that I am having a kind of scared time and that my gf needs to move out. Flying out of the other room my friends son says "S. moving out? Does my mom know?" I said that it was between her and S. and left it at that. So T. is up at the Con and his partner and I and Dawn decide not to tell him unless he asks. There is not much he can do from S.f. at this point anyway was the logic. Needless to say I feel like I am shot in the gut. They get home from the Con early Monday night. T. learns about his car and goes catatonic. I feel like throwing up. V. comes and gets all of us. The next day I am in Sd and I do not feel quite right. I keep texting my gf and I can tell something is wrong but I do not know what it is. I am coming down with a cold. V and T come over and we figure out that because Dawn shelly and I are getting a new car in february we can share with them 50/50. T. car gets a ticket in OC. The next day I drive up to tow his car back. I meet with my gf. The car gets towed. She tells my friend that she is moving out and can pay half the rent in March but does not have the whole amount. My friend takes her animals to the vet and leaves. The energy between me and my gf is wonky. She won't touch me or look at me. Finally I said Am I just being paranoid or are you mad at me? She says yes she is mad at me. We talk. She explains that only 4 people in the world have given her gifts without attachments in this world, her parents not included. When I pressured her into sex by bringing up the great Valentine's day we had it made her feel like a whore. Fuck. I made my baby feel like a whore. I explained that it was not the way I felt at all. What was going on for me was I was scared and overwhelmed. At a base level I reach for sex the way others reach for cookies or cigarettes. I told her I was being manipulative and a complete jerk. She said "I don't want to break up with you I love you, but I don't know where we go from here?" I said how about I promise never to talk to you that way again. And I promise to be more honest with you. Next time I will say I sad and overwhelmed and I really think sex might help." She said "If you had put it that way I totally would have went to bat for you and had sex" I said I am so sorry...........We cuddled for about 15 minutes I had a dr.s appointment. Things felt much better between us. I leave and as I am leaving my friend is returning from the vet. She honks at me but I am already almost late for my Dr.'s app. My friend then calls me and demands to know why I didn't immediately tell her S. was leaving and how dare I tell her son and then make him promise not to tell his mother. And on and on. I finally broke in and told her it wasn't my place to tell her. It was between her and S. I told her her son eavesdropped on a private conversation between V. and I. She called me a liar and hung up on me. I tried to work it out with her in texts and she just became more belligerent and abusive. She finally said that she would not be friends with someone who was as morally bankrupt as me.

What a fucked up five days.

On the down side I may have lost a friend.

On the upside S. and I had our first fight and survived it and I am more in love with her than ever.