I can't tell if I'm still stressed out
Except that I'm having a hard time staying present. The conflict I was having seems funny now. It was just a perfect storm at the time. So much going on, so much physical and psychological pressure, such terrible functionality. I still kind of what to smoke cigarettes. But at least I'm brushing my teeth again, mostly.
All the hype about that person's vitriol seems so silly. They'd never really directed it to me, only about me behind my back. I'm not sure why people said it was so bad. I was so concerned. Now it just seems pretty absurd. I mean, she had a few somewhat valid points, but I'm really trying to be generous. OK there are critiques she made that I know broadly speaking are things I need to work on, but as applied to this situation, are mostly just hilarious. I shouldn't find it so funny. I'm hoping I get to a place where I can empathize with whatever emotions led her to say these things. I can only imagine it's all much harder for her, if my supposition that she has BPD is correct. I think I just have some compassion fatigue. I'm glad I pulled out before I said anything really nasty, because compassion fatigue is real and I do have limits, especially when it comes to saying (or typing) what I'm thinking. I've hurt people I care about before that way and it's really better to just not be friends than to have no compassion for someone you're supposed to interact with. She probably has no idea how much effort I've put into trying to be friends with her and it's probably better that she doesn't. That was exhausting.
I'm also hoping I can get to a point where I stop looping things in my brain, trying to understand and engage. My brain needs a rest and that's probably why I'm having trouble being present. Well I need to fertilize some plants and make teriyaki chicken so later.