when you smile, your world disappears
when you smile, your world disappears
sooyeol - pg
myungsoo lived without feeling.
myungsoo was always expressionless, with his face being incapable of twitching with laughter or frowning with pain. since twenty years ago, the government administrated a mandatory medicine, affectionately dubbed as "wings" to all the citizens, claiming that it would lead to a better world.
"wings" acted in a similar way to dissociative anesthesia, ripping humans of all their abilities to feel without giving them hallucinations. the government reasoned that it was for the best. without emotions, people would do things with their rational mind instead of on impulse. there would be no fights, no unnecessary wars, no hatred, but this also meant that there was no more happiness.
the only time myungsoo saw any form of emotions was through his history lessons where his teacher showed them videos of wars in the past, as well as melodramas using them to highlight how stupid emotions were. the people on the screen were crying, screaming in pain, but myungsoo couldn't feel any of it, not when he was on "wings".
myungsoo had often wondered, how did it feel to be in love, to be scared, to feel for once but his rational mind always warned him that none of these were worth the consequence he would meet. the government had warned them of the punishments they would face if they were found not taking the pills, and myungsoo had seen it firsthand. he was eight when he saw his neighbour dongwoo being taken away by the guards, just because he was smiling. and till now, he had never seen the other boy.
"goodbye myungsoo," his classmate said breaking him out of his thoughts, "i'll leave the trash for you to throw."
myungsoo nodded, slowly packing all the cleaning utensils back into the closet. myungsoo didn't know what dislike felt like, but from what his mind was telling him, he can be sure that he hated the task of taking the trash to the dumping ground.
the dumping ground was situated so far away from the school that it was always empty except for students who had to throw the rubbish for the day. so, myungsoo didn't expect to hear the peal of laughter as he put the rubbish bag down on the floor. he had never heard laughter before except from the mini clips that were shown during their history lesson, therefore, he thought that his mind was playing a trick on him when he heard it again loud and clear.
the source of laughter was from a boy, slightly taller than him, but presumably from the same grade judging from the color of tie he was wearing. an expression that myungsoo could only describe as amusement flitted through the taller boy's face as he scared the birds from one tree to another.
myungsoo thought that the boy looked pretty, despite his teachers and parents telling him that any human who didn't have a stoic expression was ugly. the laughter etched on the other boy's face drained as he turned and saw myungsoo standing right behind him with an indescribable look taking over his eyes. (myungsoo later learnt that that was fear)
"hello," he said tentatively with his voice shaking, and his skin turning a few shades paler, "my name is sungyeol. are you going to report me to the guards?"
myungsoo knew that the right thing was to report him right away, lest he got swept into trouble too, but he shook his head, ignoring the orders of his rational mind. "my name is kim myungsoo."
a wide smile broke out on sungyeol's face, and myungsoo thought that sungyeol was happy and relieved even though he could feel none of it.
it became a habit soon enough, to meet sungyeol at the back of the school every day after school. sungyeol was a dichotomy. he was timid, screaming loudly when he got bitten by an ant, shrieking when he mistook myungsoo for a ghost, and yet he was courageous. he dared to take himself off the pill living with the risk that he might get caught one day.
myungsoo always questioned his reasons for doing so, and if it was ever worth it risking his life for some fleeting emotions.
"we were born with feelings for a reason. i would rather live life feeling every single thing, and die early, than die without knowing anything at all." he answered easily every single time. "and well, i'm well trained enough to pretend that i'm still on the pill, except for that one time you caught me."
being with sungyeol was easy. sungyeol was smart, and thought through things more logically than myungsoo ever could (ironically, as myungsoo was the one on "wings"). and yet, sungyeol felt the world in ways myungsoo could never feel. sungyeol's eyes shone when he ate ice-cream in the confines of his house, he secretly cried on myungsoo's bed when kyunggoo died despite the fact that he had only known the dog for two weeks, and myungsoo had him all his life. and what captivated myungsoo was the way sungyeol would sigh contentedly whenever they lie on the rooftop looking at the stars.
"have you ever wanted to stop taking those pills?" sungyeol asked one night when they were lying on myungsoo's bed.
"yes," myungsoo answered hesitantly, "but i would rather live."
"what makes you think you will die if you don't take it?"
"everything. my mind doesn't allow me to make this kind of irrational decision."
sungyeol didn't say anything else after that, but myungsoo could hear a small sigh right before he fell asleep.
it took a few months for myungsoo to realize that sungyeol was popular, really popular in their school. the taller boy was smart, always able to answer everything rationally, making all his classmates flock to him whenever they have any problem with their homework. and sungyeol answered all of them, never once getting irritated with the huge amount of request, perfectly maintaining his image.
sungyeol could have hung out with anyone he wanted, with everyone clamouring to be his friend, knowing that he woud most likely be the most successful person in this school. yet, sungyeol chose to cling onto myungsoo, the boy who disappeared right into the shadows.
myungsoo bet that the teachers had told sungyeol to hang out with more suitable people numerous times seeing how he always got assigned to helping the rich kids. myungsoo didn't feel sad, didn't know how to, when the time they spent together got lesser and lesser. instead his mind filled itself up with the numerous images of sungyeol.
"hey," sungyeol caught him oneday as he was walking home.
"didn't have to help out any rich kids today?" myungsoo replied.
"woah, i could have sworn that you were bitter if not for your stoic expression." sungyeol's face was expressionless, but myungsoo could sense the amusement dripping off his words. at least, sungyeol taught him that this meant amusement.
"anyway, let's go get some ice-cream."
"why do you hang out with me?" myungsoo asked as sungyeol was about to eat his strawberry ice-cream.
"well, you didn't betray me when you found out my secret, so you are a trustworthy person," sungyeol winked playfully, "and, i really like you."
"like? how does it feel like?"
the playful expression was replaced by something more serious, and sincere. "i feel happy when i am with you, i miss you when i don't see you for too long, and i just want to spend all my time with you. that's how liking someone feels like."
like.
the word replayed itself repeatedly in myungsoo's mind. was that how he felt when sungyeol was away spending time with other people?
sungyeol loved watching melodrama, with all the people screaming at each other for no reason, crying at every opportunity they have, and laughing as if they would die the next moment. on weekends, they would always steal the dvds that were hidden in the attic and huddle on sungyeol’s bed watching the story unfold itself in front of their eyes.
"is that what liking someone feels like?" myungsoo asked as the female lead broke down in tears when her lover died. "is that how you feel about me too?"
"yes, myungsoo." sungyeol answered easily, his eyes shining with unidentifiable emotions. (sungyeol told him that it was affection later on)
that evening, he called sungyeol.
"i want to give it a try." he started.
"what?"
"the pills. i want to stop taking them. come over and help me."
"okay, i'll be there in half an hour. wait for me." myungsoo thought that sungyeol sounded excited.
myungsoo didn't take his pills that night.
morning came slowly with the two of them not sleeping a wink for the entire night; sungyeol due to his excitement, while myungsoo, myungsoo didn't know how he felt.
"how do you feel?" sungyeol peered at him curiously.
"happy, i think?" myungsoo tried to match his accelerated heartbeat to the emotions he read off a book as he looked into sungyeol's eyes. "it feels as if my heart is going to expand and burst."
"definitely happy." sungyeol beamed. "feels good, doesn't it?"
myungsoo gave an affirmative nod, and a small smile took over his face. the facial muscles that had not been in use for too long twitched making it seem more like a grimace. but for now, it's okay.
A/N: it has been a long time/waves since i wrote sooyeol.
title taken from 130501 weekly idol when they were measuring sunggyu's eyes. for some reason, all the inspiration just came flowing as i re-watched that episode this afternoon. at first this was supposed to end in a tragedy with yeol being caught, and then i changed my mind to make it a canon where everything is so fluffy that its disgusting, and this is the end product.
un beta-ed, and was written in around 2 hours, so forgive me for any mistakes!
sooyeol - pg
myungsoo lived without feeling.
myungsoo was always expressionless, with his face being incapable of twitching with laughter or frowning with pain. since twenty years ago, the government administrated a mandatory medicine, affectionately dubbed as "wings" to all the citizens, claiming that it would lead to a better world.
"wings" acted in a similar way to dissociative anesthesia, ripping humans of all their abilities to feel without giving them hallucinations. the government reasoned that it was for the best. without emotions, people would do things with their rational mind instead of on impulse. there would be no fights, no unnecessary wars, no hatred, but this also meant that there was no more happiness.
the only time myungsoo saw any form of emotions was through his history lessons where his teacher showed them videos of wars in the past, as well as melodramas using them to highlight how stupid emotions were. the people on the screen were crying, screaming in pain, but myungsoo couldn't feel any of it, not when he was on "wings".
myungsoo had often wondered, how did it feel to be in love, to be scared, to feel for once but his rational mind always warned him that none of these were worth the consequence he would meet. the government had warned them of the punishments they would face if they were found not taking the pills, and myungsoo had seen it firsthand. he was eight when he saw his neighbour dongwoo being taken away by the guards, just because he was smiling. and till now, he had never seen the other boy.
"goodbye myungsoo," his classmate said breaking him out of his thoughts, "i'll leave the trash for you to throw."
myungsoo nodded, slowly packing all the cleaning utensils back into the closet. myungsoo didn't know what dislike felt like, but from what his mind was telling him, he can be sure that he hated the task of taking the trash to the dumping ground.
the dumping ground was situated so far away from the school that it was always empty except for students who had to throw the rubbish for the day. so, myungsoo didn't expect to hear the peal of laughter as he put the rubbish bag down on the floor. he had never heard laughter before except from the mini clips that were shown during their history lesson, therefore, he thought that his mind was playing a trick on him when he heard it again loud and clear.
the source of laughter was from a boy, slightly taller than him, but presumably from the same grade judging from the color of tie he was wearing. an expression that myungsoo could only describe as amusement flitted through the taller boy's face as he scared the birds from one tree to another.
myungsoo thought that the boy looked pretty, despite his teachers and parents telling him that any human who didn't have a stoic expression was ugly. the laughter etched on the other boy's face drained as he turned and saw myungsoo standing right behind him with an indescribable look taking over his eyes. (myungsoo later learnt that that was fear)
"hello," he said tentatively with his voice shaking, and his skin turning a few shades paler, "my name is sungyeol. are you going to report me to the guards?"
myungsoo knew that the right thing was to report him right away, lest he got swept into trouble too, but he shook his head, ignoring the orders of his rational mind. "my name is kim myungsoo."
a wide smile broke out on sungyeol's face, and myungsoo thought that sungyeol was happy and relieved even though he could feel none of it.
it became a habit soon enough, to meet sungyeol at the back of the school every day after school. sungyeol was a dichotomy. he was timid, screaming loudly when he got bitten by an ant, shrieking when he mistook myungsoo for a ghost, and yet he was courageous. he dared to take himself off the pill living with the risk that he might get caught one day.
myungsoo always questioned his reasons for doing so, and if it was ever worth it risking his life for some fleeting emotions.
"we were born with feelings for a reason. i would rather live life feeling every single thing, and die early, than die without knowing anything at all." he answered easily every single time. "and well, i'm well trained enough to pretend that i'm still on the pill, except for that one time you caught me."
being with sungyeol was easy. sungyeol was smart, and thought through things more logically than myungsoo ever could (ironically, as myungsoo was the one on "wings"). and yet, sungyeol felt the world in ways myungsoo could never feel. sungyeol's eyes shone when he ate ice-cream in the confines of his house, he secretly cried on myungsoo's bed when kyunggoo died despite the fact that he had only known the dog for two weeks, and myungsoo had him all his life. and what captivated myungsoo was the way sungyeol would sigh contentedly whenever they lie on the rooftop looking at the stars.
"have you ever wanted to stop taking those pills?" sungyeol asked one night when they were lying on myungsoo's bed.
"yes," myungsoo answered hesitantly, "but i would rather live."
"what makes you think you will die if you don't take it?"
"everything. my mind doesn't allow me to make this kind of irrational decision."
sungyeol didn't say anything else after that, but myungsoo could hear a small sigh right before he fell asleep.
it took a few months for myungsoo to realize that sungyeol was popular, really popular in their school. the taller boy was smart, always able to answer everything rationally, making all his classmates flock to him whenever they have any problem with their homework. and sungyeol answered all of them, never once getting irritated with the huge amount of request, perfectly maintaining his image.
sungyeol could have hung out with anyone he wanted, with everyone clamouring to be his friend, knowing that he woud most likely be the most successful person in this school. yet, sungyeol chose to cling onto myungsoo, the boy who disappeared right into the shadows.
myungsoo bet that the teachers had told sungyeol to hang out with more suitable people numerous times seeing how he always got assigned to helping the rich kids. myungsoo didn't feel sad, didn't know how to, when the time they spent together got lesser and lesser. instead his mind filled itself up with the numerous images of sungyeol.
"hey," sungyeol caught him oneday as he was walking home.
"didn't have to help out any rich kids today?" myungsoo replied.
"woah, i could have sworn that you were bitter if not for your stoic expression." sungyeol's face was expressionless, but myungsoo could sense the amusement dripping off his words. at least, sungyeol taught him that this meant amusement.
"anyway, let's go get some ice-cream."
"why do you hang out with me?" myungsoo asked as sungyeol was about to eat his strawberry ice-cream.
"well, you didn't betray me when you found out my secret, so you are a trustworthy person," sungyeol winked playfully, "and, i really like you."
"like? how does it feel like?"
the playful expression was replaced by something more serious, and sincere. "i feel happy when i am with you, i miss you when i don't see you for too long, and i just want to spend all my time with you. that's how liking someone feels like."
like.
the word replayed itself repeatedly in myungsoo's mind. was that how he felt when sungyeol was away spending time with other people?
sungyeol loved watching melodrama, with all the people screaming at each other for no reason, crying at every opportunity they have, and laughing as if they would die the next moment. on weekends, they would always steal the dvds that were hidden in the attic and huddle on sungyeol’s bed watching the story unfold itself in front of their eyes.
"is that what liking someone feels like?" myungsoo asked as the female lead broke down in tears when her lover died. "is that how you feel about me too?"
"yes, myungsoo." sungyeol answered easily, his eyes shining with unidentifiable emotions. (sungyeol told him that it was affection later on)
that evening, he called sungyeol.
"i want to give it a try." he started.
"what?"
"the pills. i want to stop taking them. come over and help me."
"okay, i'll be there in half an hour. wait for me." myungsoo thought that sungyeol sounded excited.
myungsoo didn't take his pills that night.
morning came slowly with the two of them not sleeping a wink for the entire night; sungyeol due to his excitement, while myungsoo, myungsoo didn't know how he felt.
"how do you feel?" sungyeol peered at him curiously.
"happy, i think?" myungsoo tried to match his accelerated heartbeat to the emotions he read off a book as he looked into sungyeol's eyes. "it feels as if my heart is going to expand and burst."
"definitely happy." sungyeol beamed. "feels good, doesn't it?"
myungsoo gave an affirmative nod, and a small smile took over his face. the facial muscles that had not been in use for too long twitched making it seem more like a grimace. but for now, it's okay.
A/N: it has been a long time/waves since i wrote sooyeol.
title taken from 130501 weekly idol when they were measuring sunggyu's eyes. for some reason, all the inspiration just came flowing as i re-watched that episode this afternoon. at first this was supposed to end in a tragedy with yeol being caught, and then i changed my mind to make it a canon where everything is so fluffy that its disgusting, and this is the end product.
un beta-ed, and was written in around 2 hours, so forgive me for any mistakes!