Sartre would probably call me inauthentic, and I would agree.
I've been wanting to make a post like this for a while, but not enough happened to warrant it, I'm not sure if I have enough evidence to back up what I want to say, and further, I didn't know if it was just a random anomaly rather than a trend.
I'm usually not self-aggrandizing, because the worst thing a person could have is a self-inflated ego. But. There have definitely been changes I've noticed, and they definitely exist; it can't just be a figment of my imagination-- I'm inspected the reasons back to front and from inside out. But. I'm starting to have a little bit of confidence in myself. Maybe I can make it, maybe I can do what I really want to do. Maybe it's not hopeless ambition; maybe I won't give up, maybe I won't be defeated by how difficult the world can be. But. I'm not entirely sure this is of my own volition, either. How much of it is circumstance, and how much of it is by my own volition I'm not sure. Hell, I'm not even sure if any of it is of my own volition, but regressing back into this sort of skepticism is pointless.
There's definitely been changes I've noticed in the people around me. When I talk, people listen. People make time for me, go out of their way to hang out with me. I'm amazed and flattered and bewildered, and also very very confused, because tbh, I don't feel like I have much to bring to the table. But maybe I do. I'm the reason my group of friends even hang out with each other, because of the enthusiasm I have for each person and my willingness to make them feel special. I think that's one of my strengths. I can get people to spill secrets really really well. It's strange. I'm not personally invested in any of them, but they are in me, and for some twisted reason, that makes me feel very very good. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to blackmail them, or control them, or manipulate them or use them for my own gain or anything; I would never do that. I want to help. But I love the power imbalance. It makes me feel safe, like I could never be hurt by anyone as I have in the past, many many times. I'd never want to hurt anyone on purpose, I love being liked too much for that, and I hate having enemies.
My obsession with being loved is a bit of a problem, because it clashes with me not making enemies. Or rather, clashes with having people who are wary of me. But I love having people attracted to me. It's so so terrible, and I don't want to lead anyone on, but in all honesty, I love the attention. I revel in the attention. I love not having to work to gain anyone's attention-- even giant curly haired hobbits. Again, I love how unaffected I am by everything. He's interested in me? Great! I happen to find him biologically attractive too; he's my type, he's intelligent as fuck, and he has a cute laugh. But if he's not, I'm not going to push it, because one thing I've come to terms with is being able to be happy outside of a relationship. I want to call all the shots; nobody can hold power over me because I won't allow them to get close and I'm strangely happy with that.
Outside of my personal life, I got an internship as a paralegal at a small firm that deals with conveyancing, family and criminal law. It's amazing, and I got it over law students. I'm still amazed at how I managed to get my foot in the door, what with the way job prospects are all around the world. It just so happens that the attorney I'm working with did a mixture of physics and law back in university with a curiosity for philosophy, and it was the reason I got the interview. The fact that I landed the position makes me giddy. It's not a permanent or stable one, but it's giving me training to function as a paralegal, and despite my misgivings (I've never studied law or accounting or business and ohmygoodness look at all these people older and more qualified than me, I'll be useless useless useless) I'm enjoying it. And I can be an asset to the firm. I'm looking at a possible permanent position as a part time paralegal whilst I complete my studies to become qualified to practice law myself. I'm still not sure whether he gave me the opportunity because he wanted a pretty face around or not, but I don't give a single flying fuck, because I will work from the ground up. I will fucking work for free if I feel like I'm slipping and put in the extra hours so that I become useful, so people will want to hire me and so he will put in a fantastic word for me even if it turns out the position has been filled by somebody more suitable (because let's be realistic). But I think the best thing is how much I'm enjoying the work, how interesting I find the cases, the clients, even the pedantic as fuck paperwork that makes for most of the day.
When I read the Silmarillion, I've always felt a pull towards Finrod Felagund. He was who I simultaneously identified with, and who I wanted to be. Someone adored, but adored from afar and completely untouchable, and yet also be genuinely kind and without ulterior motive-- It's vulnerability that is the enemy, and I could never ever be vulnerable to anyone. If the trade-off is never having that sort of intimacy, it's worth it. Intimacy makes me uncomfortable. I've always been a big picture sort of person who loves to have her hands in everyone's cookie jars, but with an evacuation plan just in case. I've always loved the simultaneous of being part of something, of being important and needed, but also being detached from it, being able to look in from a position where I'm without any personal afflictions that might cloud my judgement and rationality. I've always wanted to make a difference, and maybe, maybe I can. Maybe I can work myself into a position where I'm influential enough to actually help someone, make the world a little bit more of a better place, even if the reason I wish for this, after careful reflection, turns out to be borne from selfishness and evolutionary sympathy.
But I'm still jittery and nervous and anxious and over-caffeinated, and I don't think that will ever change, because I've so much work in front of me, and failure will always sit at the back of my mind. I'm so so so scared of failure, and I'm not sure if the fear itself is weakness I need to overcome, when this very fear pushed me to be so desperate and possibly land me where I am now. I didn't get an offer for one of the best law schools in this country for nothing; I rejected it because I wanted to pursue my studies with philosophy and physics, because I wasn't sure I'll really like it, and most importantly, I didn't know if I'll ever be able to deal with the kinds of social situations that make the corporal world so cut-throat. But. I think I just might.
I'm very very curious, though. Did my opportunities and the way I was able to get over my social anxiety a result of me becoming conventionally attractive? Is the reason people like me, and give me the time of day because of that? I can't get it out of my head. There are still so many things out of my control, but things I can control, I just gotta work hard for I guess.
I'm usually not self-aggrandizing, because the worst thing a person could have is a self-inflated ego. But. There have definitely been changes I've noticed, and they definitely exist; it can't just be a figment of my imagination-- I'm inspected the reasons back to front and from inside out. But. I'm starting to have a little bit of confidence in myself. Maybe I can make it, maybe I can do what I really want to do. Maybe it's not hopeless ambition; maybe I won't give up, maybe I won't be defeated by how difficult the world can be. But. I'm not entirely sure this is of my own volition, either. How much of it is circumstance, and how much of it is by my own volition I'm not sure. Hell, I'm not even sure if any of it is of my own volition, but regressing back into this sort of skepticism is pointless.
There's definitely been changes I've noticed in the people around me. When I talk, people listen. People make time for me, go out of their way to hang out with me. I'm amazed and flattered and bewildered, and also very very confused, because tbh, I don't feel like I have much to bring to the table. But maybe I do. I'm the reason my group of friends even hang out with each other, because of the enthusiasm I have for each person and my willingness to make them feel special. I think that's one of my strengths. I can get people to spill secrets really really well. It's strange. I'm not personally invested in any of them, but they are in me, and for some twisted reason, that makes me feel very very good. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to blackmail them, or control them, or manipulate them or use them for my own gain or anything; I would never do that. I want to help. But I love the power imbalance. It makes me feel safe, like I could never be hurt by anyone as I have in the past, many many times. I'd never want to hurt anyone on purpose, I love being liked too much for that, and I hate having enemies.
My obsession with being loved is a bit of a problem, because it clashes with me not making enemies. Or rather, clashes with having people who are wary of me. But I love having people attracted to me. It's so so terrible, and I don't want to lead anyone on, but in all honesty, I love the attention. I revel in the attention. I love not having to work to gain anyone's attention-- even giant curly haired hobbits. Again, I love how unaffected I am by everything. He's interested in me? Great! I happen to find him biologically attractive too; he's my type, he's intelligent as fuck, and he has a cute laugh. But if he's not, I'm not going to push it, because one thing I've come to terms with is being able to be happy outside of a relationship. I want to call all the shots; nobody can hold power over me because I won't allow them to get close and I'm strangely happy with that.
Outside of my personal life, I got an internship as a paralegal at a small firm that deals with conveyancing, family and criminal law. It's amazing, and I got it over law students. I'm still amazed at how I managed to get my foot in the door, what with the way job prospects are all around the world. It just so happens that the attorney I'm working with did a mixture of physics and law back in university with a curiosity for philosophy, and it was the reason I got the interview. The fact that I landed the position makes me giddy. It's not a permanent or stable one, but it's giving me training to function as a paralegal, and despite my misgivings (I've never studied law or accounting or business and ohmygoodness look at all these people older and more qualified than me, I'll be useless useless useless) I'm enjoying it. And I can be an asset to the firm. I'm looking at a possible permanent position as a part time paralegal whilst I complete my studies to become qualified to practice law myself. I'm still not sure whether he gave me the opportunity because he wanted a pretty face around or not, but I don't give a single flying fuck, because I will work from the ground up. I will fucking work for free if I feel like I'm slipping and put in the extra hours so that I become useful, so people will want to hire me and so he will put in a fantastic word for me even if it turns out the position has been filled by somebody more suitable (because let's be realistic). But I think the best thing is how much I'm enjoying the work, how interesting I find the cases, the clients, even the pedantic as fuck paperwork that makes for most of the day.
When I read the Silmarillion, I've always felt a pull towards Finrod Felagund. He was who I simultaneously identified with, and who I wanted to be. Someone adored, but adored from afar and completely untouchable, and yet also be genuinely kind and without ulterior motive-- It's vulnerability that is the enemy, and I could never ever be vulnerable to anyone. If the trade-off is never having that sort of intimacy, it's worth it. Intimacy makes me uncomfortable. I've always been a big picture sort of person who loves to have her hands in everyone's cookie jars, but with an evacuation plan just in case. I've always loved the simultaneous of being part of something, of being important and needed, but also being detached from it, being able to look in from a position where I'm without any personal afflictions that might cloud my judgement and rationality. I've always wanted to make a difference, and maybe, maybe I can. Maybe I can work myself into a position where I'm influential enough to actually help someone, make the world a little bit more of a better place, even if the reason I wish for this, after careful reflection, turns out to be borne from selfishness and evolutionary sympathy.
But I'm still jittery and nervous and anxious and over-caffeinated, and I don't think that will ever change, because I've so much work in front of me, and failure will always sit at the back of my mind. I'm so so so scared of failure, and I'm not sure if the fear itself is weakness I need to overcome, when this very fear pushed me to be so desperate and possibly land me where I am now. I didn't get an offer for one of the best law schools in this country for nothing; I rejected it because I wanted to pursue my studies with philosophy and physics, because I wasn't sure I'll really like it, and most importantly, I didn't know if I'll ever be able to deal with the kinds of social situations that make the corporal world so cut-throat. But. I think I just might.
I'm very very curious, though. Did my opportunities and the way I was able to get over my social anxiety a result of me becoming conventionally attractive? Is the reason people like me, and give me the time of day because of that? I can't get it out of my head. There are still so many things out of my control, but things I can control, I just gotta work hard for I guess.