I'm lying on the moon
1. I'm worried I might be slightly type-1 diabetic. I get really tired when I don't have glucose for a short amount of time. I've always wondered, but I've never really bothered checking it. I think I might have to at this point. At least I don't keel over and faint. Small mercies.
2. So I'm with Adam now, and I'm happy. I have the dumbest reason for suddenly changing my mind (he looks like an anime character I was really obsessed with) but that's really just the catalyst; there was so many things about him I didn't see in my blind obsession with my lecturer, and again, so many things about my lecturer I didn't see. I don't like Andy less, but I've definitely changed perspective. I think Adam is helping me grow up, in a way. I've never dealt with conflicting feelings like this before, and I'm really glad I got out of without hurting anyone, and without embarrassing myself.
3. When I fall, I clearly fall hard and fast and strong. The past couple of days have pretty much been a repeat of my past two relationships. But today, I finally got out of the god-I-want-you-so-bad haze of red, and I was able to sort of step back from my emotions for a bit. See where I stand with him, consider exactly what type of person he is, and what kind of person I myself am. I also thought about my relationships with other people, and the conclusions I was spitting out is pretty clear: I need to get a damn hold of myself.
4. A lot of my friendships with people was created with an ulterior motive in mind. I'm always hyper-aware of how I stand in relation to others. These two things need to change. I want to be able to cultivate deep friendships with people I like by virtue of who they are, not what they can offer me. In the end, these are the friendships that matter, and the people who will stick by you. Perhaps all I'm doing is twisting my selfishness into a higher level, more evolved form of selfishness with a benevolent wrapping around it.
5. Getting a damn hold of myself: Adam is cleaner than I am. More well groomed. That is somehow not okay. I've been neglecting myself; my room was a mess, and I'm always caught in something or other. I'm always thinking about how I can get ahead, daydreaming about somebody or other, or worrying about my work, and what I'm going to do for the three month break. Here's something I never realised about myself: I'm not that independent. I don't like being independent. I like having something, whether that be an idea, a person, a novel, a game, to cling to. Recently, it's been people.
I need to take a step back, from all of it. I want this relationship to last for longer than half a year. Further, I'm starting to slip from the person I want to be.
2. So I'm with Adam now, and I'm happy. I have the dumbest reason for suddenly changing my mind (he looks like an anime character I was really obsessed with) but that's really just the catalyst; there was so many things about him I didn't see in my blind obsession with my lecturer, and again, so many things about my lecturer I didn't see. I don't like Andy less, but I've definitely changed perspective. I think Adam is helping me grow up, in a way. I've never dealt with conflicting feelings like this before, and I'm really glad I got out of without hurting anyone, and without embarrassing myself.
3. When I fall, I clearly fall hard and fast and strong. The past couple of days have pretty much been a repeat of my past two relationships. But today, I finally got out of the god-I-want-you-so-bad haze of red, and I was able to sort of step back from my emotions for a bit. See where I stand with him, consider exactly what type of person he is, and what kind of person I myself am. I also thought about my relationships with other people, and the conclusions I was spitting out is pretty clear: I need to get a damn hold of myself.
4. A lot of my friendships with people was created with an ulterior motive in mind. I'm always hyper-aware of how I stand in relation to others. These two things need to change. I want to be able to cultivate deep friendships with people I like by virtue of who they are, not what they can offer me. In the end, these are the friendships that matter, and the people who will stick by you. Perhaps all I'm doing is twisting my selfishness into a higher level, more evolved form of selfishness with a benevolent wrapping around it.
5. Getting a damn hold of myself: Adam is cleaner than I am. More well groomed. That is somehow not okay. I've been neglecting myself; my room was a mess, and I'm always caught in something or other. I'm always thinking about how I can get ahead, daydreaming about somebody or other, or worrying about my work, and what I'm going to do for the three month break. Here's something I never realised about myself: I'm not that independent. I don't like being independent. I like having something, whether that be an idea, a person, a novel, a game, to cling to. Recently, it's been people.
I need to take a step back, from all of it. I want this relationship to last for longer than half a year. Further, I'm starting to slip from the person I want to be.