(no subject)
so, out of the blue, this thought came to be.
"what about grandpa?"
What about grandpa indeed. What about any of my relatives, even.
I'm a Hong Konger by birth, Singaporean by choice. I go back to HK once every year (I try).
I don't really have family in Singapore.
As for in HK? I'm glad I have them, yes, but if I think about it.. They're just family that gets together on special occasions.
There's a certain emptiness, that strange feeling that I'm a part, but apart. (sometimes, anyway.)
So as far as real relationships go, I'm glad to have friends to turn to.
My dear, good friends, those I'm able to be myself around - I'm really blessed to have them.
It's strange aha - if I were to think about it, I have acquaintances, I have good-to-great friends, but I have very few "friends".
It seems I can't rationalize having "friends". It feels like such a in-between for me, that zone where things are never clear.
Maybe I do it to keep things simple. Either you're in A and I say hi-bye to you every now and then, a part and parcel of everyday coming-and-goings - a polite smile & some friendly greetings, or you're in B - here I know I'm myself. It's jarring and kinda strange, now that I look at it, but I realize it's the only thing I'm comfortable with.
I read before, somewhere, a statement that made a lot of sense
"Don't lie and say that you're an introvert when you're actually just shy."
It made sense.
But ah, even now, I look at that statement - I look at myself - and I know I'm an introvert.
I'm not the sort that fits in easily, neither am I the sort to let go easily. If I were an inductor, I'd have a very high inductance.
And so, yes, I'm really happy to have friends that I do,
but it's that time, that phase that pops up ever so often, when it feels like the people you knew are slipping away.
Making friends is definitely not something that comes easily to me - losing friends is, unsurprisingly, particularly hard.
So I find myself in Uni now - so far distant from the petri dish of JC/NS. Sometimes, I think I'd rather be working than studying.
For the person that I am, every time I find myself getting comfortable, it seems we need to move again. Week 10 has just ended (13 total per sem) and only now I feel like I'm comfortable where I am.
I'm glad I have external commitments to keep me sane - Church, One, easy contact with JC and choir friends (yay!) that remind me not everything is changing.
But hm, grandpa.
Somehow I suddenly feel this.. kinship? with him.
I can only imagine how life is for him.
It's marvelous really, he still works the stock market and all, works from home in the mornings,
but other than that, at his age now, I can't imagine what he looks forward to day after day.
And I don't think I'd be wrong to say he doesn't have many friends.
Grandma has more interaction to look out for; kinda similar tp how my dad and mom are too, right now.
There's this faint sneaking feeling that I'll be just like my dad and his dad before him.
In 40 years I might end up a recluse aha.
And what do they look forward to? Probably having their children and grandchildren visit.
Me dad has 5 siblings, so grandpa definitely has family visits to look forward to.
I'm the only grandson - yet every time I go back, we hardly interact.
I'd think he probably just remembers me as the Li who visits once a year and has meals with me.
There's just this strange gap I can't cross - but only now I realize how real and how terrible it is.
I'll try to cross it the next time I visit. Hopefully it won't be too late.
Then in time, I'll deal with the relationship between dad and I.