~sigh~
You don't have to read this if you don't want to, it is only depressing anyway. I just feel utterly alone at the moment. I miss hugs. I miss getting to see the love that is felt for you everyday and expressing it in return. If only with a look. I miss being the mother role that Bridget has, although I am glad someone is picking up where I have left off. I miss Devon, I miss Josh, I miss Kenny, I miss Kurt. I miss hugs SO much, you don't even know. Through my friend Gaily, I have met this really amazing friend of hers in Israel named Evyatar, whom I call Boesh meaning skunk in Hebrew. It isn't an insult, it is a compliment, but there is an inside story to explain it and I don't feel like it. He is so sweet to me and has opened up to me and is very sympathetic and just really more than I would have ever expected. He always gets me to stay up much later than I should because he is wide awake being that 10pm here is 8am there and I love talking to him. I guess you could say that I am developing a crush, but it is harmless being that, oh yeah ... he is in ISRAEL. So here it is four in the morning and I just got done talking with him and I told him all about my past with Brett and why I am depressed tonight after talking to him and he gave me some advice. Great advice, logical advice, that I just can't bring myself to follow, actually. I just can't be that selfish. But anyway, I feel like shit. He (Brett) knows that when he gets me down and punches and kicks me while I am there, I stay there. It is hard for me to get over something in that same night, or even a few nights later, yet he goes on anyway ... because it is a defense mechanism, hurt first, before they hurt you (which I wasn't doing, he was just in a sour mood to begin with). Then I brought up how it is strange which scars stay and which fade (in my conversation with Boesh). I was looking at my arm and noticed how all of my self inflicted scars are barely visible anymore, but all the accidental, or not caused by me, scars are very prominant. Then he told me that he, too, has a self inflicted scar, then showed me where (webcam). Turns out it is the exact same arm as me and in nearly the same place as one of mine. That, of course, just adding to the many strange things we have in common. So then I told him the history of each of my scars, each time I cut and doodled a diagram in paint because I have no webcam yet and he was shocked. He said you were a good friend, Josh, for making me promise to you to stop. (Kurt, I know you wanted it too, but Josh is the one who made me promise, knowing that my word is important to me, so he gets slightly more credit) I am sick of not feeling like anything to my sister. We were closer, I thought. Now, our relationship has become a lot like that of mine and mom's. Who, by the way, was kind and understanding and gave me kind words of advice on how do deal with and approach Jenean. Strange twist of things. If boesh were here, I would be very happy. He is exactly the type of friend I have been needing, what I am used to, male and understanding and good, but were he here, Gaily would hog him. Why? He was her friend first and I told him some of the things she said to me and he replied with "She gets jealous whenever I talk to anyone besides her" ... Great. So, the closest friend I have here gets jealous and tries to persuade me (in a jedi way) to back off of the one person who is awake when I am and there for me when no one else seems to be. Perfect. Fuck, I'll just go live in a fucking hole in the woods with woodland creatures as my friends. At least things would be less complicated and I would feel less alone ... I always feel alone ... even when I am happy ... so much for enlightenment ... it took a vacation. I hope it comes back.