A Quick Trip Around the Moon
While this school year has been trying already, (and we're only halfway through it), I am frequently reminded why I chose teaching and even more, why I chose Special Education. I skipped explaining that I got into trouble for posting short stories about my students, (even though no identifying information was given... I wonder what would happen if they ever searched me all the way back here?), "making fun of the families in the community" (which I never did... This comment still upsets me), and didn't tell you about the chaos with my Vice-Principal, (I still think she wants me dead). Ready... Here's the letter I write in response to my "accusations"... Just so nobody who's not reading this gets the gist:
To Whom It May Concern:
I have written a reply in response to Mrs. Addison’s letter of direction. I have addressed each section below. Let me first state that I feel Mrs. Addison could have prevented “Issue 1” and “Issue 2” had she spoken with me prior to taking action with an incident that occurred. In my opinion, Mrs. Addison was unprofessional by avoiding the simple courtesy of allowing me to explain what had happened in my own classroom and in front of me, and offer my opinion on how I would like to have handled the situation. What she indirectly showed in her actions, is that she does not think I am reliable enough and she cannot allow me to handle my own students. She also claimed after talking with me post-student-fight that I did not care about all of my students and that I was “giving up” on KH because I thought a suspension was an appropriate consequence; both of which I take very personally.
Issue 1: Honesty and Integrity
On September 14, 2011 I had two students get into a fight in my classroom. This altercation occurred in my Study Skills class, which is geared toward students who have shown behavioral needs. The aggressor, KH, was a student who I never thought would have made any sort of physical contact with another. He and I have a good rapport and a year of getting to know each other behind us. In 7th grade, the student made huge strides in behavior correction going from many referrals in the first couple months of school to maybe one, even no referrals, toward the end of the year. Finally this student had no history of violence or getting into fights. The student who was pushed, “student MQ”, is a student who has a history of impulsive behaviors and assertiveness. His guidance history has more than one incident of aggressive behaviors.
The class was working very hard on an outlining assignment as a whole group. They were all actively engaged; so much so that they were actually arguing over who got to have speaker-power next. In an instant, the entire atmosphere flipped. I needed it quiet and said I would wait; KH kept on talking. MQ told him to sit down and “shut up”. KH asked if MQ “wanted to go” and then walked over to him. MQ said he “could hit KH so hard he’d leave a knob and bruise worse than before” [in regards to a different incident earlier this year], however added on he “had too much respect to fight in of Mrs. Zucker”. Thinking KH was joking around, as he typically tends to be the class clown, I walked over to them and told to him sit because this wasn’t going to happen. In retrospect, I suppose he could have taken that as a challenge and I probably should have picked better words. I am still learning quite a bit; I am a second year teacher after all.
After KH made contact with MQ, I pulled KH out the room. As we exited, MQ called KH a “little bitch”. I still do not consider it incitement but will agree it was inappropriate. Since it was the end of the last period, KH was taken to the office. I brought him into Ms. Addison’s office and asked her if she wanted me to explain why he was here. She told me she wanted to give KH some cool down time and would get with me later. This never happened; I went to her after I had a training I had to attend after school. I actually went back to school to speak with her about this incident. Mrs. Addison had asked a teacher, who was on plan and inputting grades [meaning heard, but did not see the incident], for the explanation of what had gone on. Mrs. Addison had assigned punishments to both boys and called parents all before making contact with me.
I never claimed MQ was “innocent”; I claimed MQ was being treated unfairly. He was written up for incitement, which I disagree with. If I had been attacked at that age, I probably would have exclaimed the same thing. I do not think it was a taunt, as MQ never even attempted to defend himself. In fact, I did explain to both boys my disappointment. Attached are copies of the letters I wrote and sent to each of them after the incident occurred. Even in the letter I explained I did not think it was proper MQ cussed at KH. I am very proud he controlled himself to the point where he didn’t fight back. I would have liked to have sat down with MQ and talked it over with him; I would have been interested to see how he thought the situation should have been handled and what he thought his consequence should have been. At that time I would have sat down with Mrs. Addison and decided with her what the consequence should be.
I am upset that Mrs. Addison claims I “eventually did claim the true events”; that is just ridiculous. She threw out accusations of me not caring about my students before I’d even had a chance to inform her of what occurred. I think it is ridiculous I am told to give my students a chance, stand up for them, and when I do my teaching practices are in question. I am not sure what prompted this, but Mrs. Addison took it upon herself to ask around to my co-workers what I had been saying. They told her, and by they, another secretary, who was not involved in the conversation in any part. The conversation occurred after school at a staff member’s desk, in private. I have no office; I don’t even have my own classroom. I am not about to walk into the bathroom to have a conversation about a student, so where should this occur? The staff member who said I had no intention of telling Mrs. Addison about MQ calling KH a bitch actually misheard me. I had no intention of informing her that KH pushed me and threw a chair out of the way as he left the room. While this should never have occurred, KH was not malicious in any way. I did not think that would change or affect the outcome of anything and knowing KH, did not see this as pertinent information as he would already be suspended for fighting. None of that mattered though, because KH was very honest and told Mrs. Addison everything he had done.
I disagreed with the outcome and let Mrs. Addison know in her office after school. MQ was issued a CAT II referral for incitement; I do not feel the student incited anything. I never said he was innocent, just that I was proud he didn’t hit back. Mrs. Addison insists I claimed him innocent in whole ordeal, but I did not make that claim. He used very vulgar language. I attempted, in a failed manner, to let Mrs. Addison know that I didn’t agree with the decision. Both of us were not very professional at this time; we’d both raised our voices. Mrs. Addison informed me then she felt I was giving up on my student, (the aggressor), because I felt his punishment was fitting of the crime. She also told me she didn’t think I was managing my class well and questioned my practices to have let “this go on for 10 minutes” [in regards to the fight] in my classroom. This incident actually was very quick and probably was finished and in the office within 5 minutes of the start of the argument. I excused myself at that point and stated we would talk later. I excused myself because we’d just lowered our voices after arguing and I would have said some things I think I would have regretted later. The next time we met, she informed me she’d be writing a letter of direction about this.
Issue 2: Direction of Criticism to Administration
This issue is directly related back to the fighting incident. The 15th of September, my 8th grade paraprofessional stepped into my 1st hour class to ask if I knew where KH was that day. I walked to the back of the room and told her what had happened. My only statement is that in retrospect a conversation at the door was not contained enough. I also told her I was upset at how it was handled; no one asked me anything about it, and that Mrs. Addison told me that I didn’t care about these kids. I told her I was really upset and was crying about this whole thing the previous night. I didn’t think about it; 12 and 13 year old kids are nosy. They listened to the conversation. While I can appreciate the sensitivity of the subject and materials; I also do not have a more private time to inform para’s about things like that. I teach all day, do not have a plan on A days, and do not have my own classroom. While I thought I was being quiet enough, which I clearly wasn’t, there is not really a good place or time to talk about this. I certainly was not going to ask for coverage to inform her so we could have a talk outside the classroom. I’m not really sure why, but Mrs. Addison took it upon herself to call in my students, randomly chosen from each class, to have conversations about what I talk about them in class. I’m upset about this for a few reasons; one is that I feel this is extremely inappropriate practice. Pulling my students, who already struggle, from classes to get the dish on me appears very unprofessional. I feel that if you truly feel that uncomfortable with me alone with these students, you don’t trust me. If you cannot trust me, I question why I wouldn’t just be let go. Students in my first hour overheard my conversation with my paraprofessional; one insists he was involved with the conversation. He was not.
I also do not feel I broke confidentiality as she pointed at the schedule of students to ask me where KH was and no names were said. I did have the conversation in the room. I do not have an office and would not have had an opportunity to converse with my para-professional that day unless I skipped my lunch and pulled her away from students she needed to see at that time. My desk is in one room shared with the Extended Resource teacher, where the students are all day, and I travel to rooms where teachers are on plan all day. I would be very open to suggestions on where I should have held this conversation; I felt at the time it was pertinent for the para to know what had gone on. I should have perhaps kept my comments of discontent toward what Mrs. Addison had said to me to myself I suppose, or at least saved those for another time.
Issue 3: Staff Conduct with Students
I think I am equally as upset with what was written about this as I am about Mrs. Addison’s comments about me not caring about my students. Mrs. Stout and Mrs. Addison did sit down with me to discuss my facebook. Let me first explain the irony of this: I decided on Wednesday, September 21st, 2011 that I was going to delete my facebook. The day prior, changes occurred to the networking site and I was unhappy with them. Safety and privacy settings had been reset with the change, and my profile went to semi-public. Friday the 23rd, I was brought in to discuss “improper materials” I had posted to facebook that “made our town look bad”. I’m a little confused as to how this became such an issue as I was planning to delete the profile after I saved all 225 photos from events shared with friends and family on the site. At first after we sat down, I was planning to change my mind and keep everything up: I feel I have nothing to hide. While I did change my mind and just delete it, I am more than happy to give any administrator my password and allow them to peruse my profile.
I did post stories from my day. I am horrendously offended that the district feels I was “mocking and ridicule[ing]” my students and parents. These stories were quotes from my students that made my day brighter. If something made me smile, why should I not be able to share it? My mother and mother-in-law work in schools, my friends are teachers, and they never seemed to think I was mocking our school district. In fact, Fred Gallegos, the vice-principal of Cactus Middle School, and I were facebook friends. He had seen everything I have posted for the year plus I have been in Casa Grande. He never gave me any inclination that I was out of line or inappropriate. Co-workers have commented and “liked” the stories. I feel what I posted was taken out of context. I have never said one negative word facebook, or on any social networking site, against the town or schools in Casa Grande. I have never used more than a first name in any stories I posted; there are more students with the same name. At no time were any student identities compromised. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I am on cloud-9 in Arizona and I intend to keep it that way. There are teachers in the schools who are friends with students, current and still enrolled, and teachers who publicly complain about parents or students while out around town or on networking sites such as facebook. I certainly hope these people are searched, spoken with, and held to the same consequence I am for sharing happy parts of my day.
I have thought very hard about on each of these subjects and have reflected on each. While I do not want to seem like I am trying to escape blame, I do want to address that I am very good at my job, care immensely about my students, and give all that I can to my job. I do have needs for improvement in areas; I just cannot agree with what was written about my actions. I am able to contemplate my shortcomings and plan to work on these immediately.
I have to add in my favorite student, the one who shoved the other one across the room, left. His mom was unhappy with him getting into so much trouble and she pulled him. I was just heartbroken because I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. On top of that drama, they've been trying to make co-teaching work for us in the middle of the year, despite cries from us exclaiming that it won't work at this time... We need time to plan together. They just dropped this idea and now want to "talk about ways to change our Study Skills Classes" which makes me mad because they are working! I could go on and on, probably for pages explaining why I am so miserable at this school. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to put on my happy face and pretend like I love my job. I do, however, want to point out that I still love teaching.
The Hubs and I watched this amazing movie, called "Life in a Day". It's a documentary where people all over the world, in all walks of life, filmed themselves all day on one day. They put all these clips together in a mish-mosh order and just let it play. It was incredible. There were two parts of this film that stood out to me most; the first was a man somewhere in the Middle East. He had probably 7 kids and his oldest, the 20 year old was "retarded", (he was very clearly Autistic). They were living in a cemetery in an abandoned shack and he just kept saying even though they had nothing, he couldn't work and his wife was dead, the Lord would provide for them. I'm not a very religious person. I was born and raised Catholic and I never felt like I belonged in church. Standing up, kneeling, and chanting prayers together just feels so robotic. I was the kid always asking questions, getting into trouble because the grown-ups didn't have the answers. Now, don't get me wrong, I will still go to church with my mom. I just don't know that I believe that a something put all of us together and plays a hand in everyday life; I won't knock it out of the park, I mean anything is possible... I do believe in a bigger plan though, I believe everything happens for a reason.
This man, who had so much family and so very little of everything else made tears come to my eyes. He was obviously dealt a shit hand and somehow can find the beauty in that. I think it was probably the most grateful a 2 minute clip of a documentary has ever made me. I'm always complaining, whining I wish me made more money. After all, individually we make just above poverty and after paying back student loans we have almost nothing at the end of the month. I need to learn how to be grateful for even having that. The second clip was the very close of the film. A girl had waited all day to catch something remarkable so she would have something, some piece of the amazing life she's lead to contribute to the film. She was in tears and simply said that nothing was remarkable and she was just like everyone else, despite wanting to change the world. It hit me as something I think we all feel. Everyone is so little and it seems so impossible to feel like you are needed, important, and can actually change something. In fact, I have "Apres Moi Le Deluge" tattooed on me because it not only sounds gorgeous, it means I want to make great changes in lives. After stewing this thought around in my brain a while, I've come to realize that teaching is my change. I told my husband last night I wished I could be really great at something, like singing wonderfully or painting, something to make me feel exceptional. He told me I do, he can't think of many people who would want to have my job and do what I do. He said people normally don't have patience like that. At first I was bummed out, but now that I think of it, he's right.
Everyday, I walk into my classrooms, (I get to switch classes all day long because the school thinks it is easy for us to simply share classrooms when other teachers are on plan. Clearly they never had to plan for 6 classes and carry that crap around all day), and look around. My students are amazing. I am in love with my first hour. They are hilarious, respectful, hard-working, just absolute dolls. My math class has a variety of kids who range from 2nd grade level abilities to almost on grade level, 7th, and they all work wonderful together. They help and encourage each other, they have wonderful senses of humor, they don't care when I dance around the room, and even more than any of that, the higher level ones ask for more work. Right? Crazy! I love it. My homeroom is a class full of the sweetest children (and one not, but it works out). My Study Skills, which is supposed to be the terrible, behavior-work class, has never been an issue this year. I put in a point system that really means nothing, but the students love it! Their referrals are down, motivation is up. The only struggling classes are Writing and Math Workshop, which even those are fun and the grades are up. My students talk to me about everything, even though some things I kind of wish they wouldn't. I really do love my job. The Vice-Principal who hates me asked me once what I want from teaching. I don;t know if she thought I would say I wanted to be a Superintendent or what, but I told her I want to teach; for the rest of my life I want to be in a classroom. I said that on the spot with no thought behind it, but I really do. Even when kids have horrible days and freak out on me, screaming on the tops of their lungs that "This is fucking bullshit" and I am "fucking stupid", slamming hands on desks and crying. I even like those days, because once everything is said and done, I think there is some silent growth in our relationship. We talk, move on, and leave it behind us. I like that.