Again with deletions...
Have you ever been in a situation where someone else's actions were a million times more mortifying and embarrassing than anything you've done? Why, as a person, do we let the way others act define and shape us? I have no idea. I'd like to think of myself as a strong character; someone who would always be able to make a good decision no matter how hard it may be. Now I am not so sure.
Lately, I have again met up with what is seems to be a reoccurring theme in my marriage. It is a same problem/situation/whatever you want to label it that has happened multiple times and on top of that, I have come to really see how much I distrust my husband. All of this is based loosely on a lie. He told it once and over the course of a year has needed to backspin and cover up the lie he told, which only spiraled wildly out of control each time a truth was actually found out... about the same lie. I guess you could say he is a very bad liar, which could be considered a good thing if you're looking for silver lining.
Anyway, his actions have shamed me. I am literally ashamed and embarrassed by his lies. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about the problem because there are some things that people react to and no matter how the situation plays out, they pity you or are aghast at whatever you decide. Even if your most trusted friend puts on a face to say they support you, you can still see the real way they feel seeping out. So I feel like I am entirely alone. I know it's ridiculous, but I feel like I am stuck. I love him and always thought I would be able to walk away from someone I could not trust or rely on, and I am quickly learning I am not who I thought I was. Things are much easier said than done; especially being in my current situation of pretty preggo and buying a house. I feel like if I stay, I suffer for who-knows-how-long, and if I go, I'm only setting myself up for failure as a parent and a support for my child. I hate lose/lose situations. I know in staying I will eventually cope and hopefully be able to trust again, it just seems like such a burden to travel that road, you know? I hate that someone I trusted with everything, someone who I have vocalized more than I have anyone else in the world, could treat me so poorly. The worst part is when he says he didn't think about how it would make me feel; like at that time, I wasn't even worth enough to think about. I know, or should say hope, that is not what he means, but it's like a knife in the gut all the same.
The hardest part for me is that I am depressed. I know it is situational and temporary, but it's a feeling of never getting out and finding the "better". All my life I've looked forward to the "better"; each stage of freedom... I have found that you can make yourself happier, (something my husband used to represent for me), but situations mainly stay the same. Few people win the luck-lottery and I am sadly not one of them. I have come to accept this, but it really doesn't make you feel much better knowing you've worked so hard for so long and have so much less to show for it than your peers. I honestly am grateful for being pregnant at this time because a few days ago, I think with the news I uncovered and the hurt that came with it, I would have made some very poor, unhealthy decisions. Instead of becoming suicidal or stupid, I am finding I can cope using other tools. This is growth; I consider it growth anyway. I know I sound angsty/childish, but when you feel you feel you've got nothing left to look forward to, life is very hard. It is very hard to paste on a happy face and go about day to day without allowing others to see how badly you are truly hurting. Some days, it is simply unbearable. I think people who inadvertently hurt others, like my husband in this situation, fail to recognize that. He wants to just move on and put it behind us because he is being honest now... He just doesn't seem to know how hard that can be. It's hard to forgive and forget, especially when something has been hurting you as long as this has.
I just needed to share my thoughts somewhere. I started writing this once, and deleted again. I know no one I know knows about this or what it is about, (way to be a 13 year old girl; vague and full of pity-me-angst), but it helps to write it down... It's almost like talking to a person.