I am a lost girl not ready to be found.
I will just leave this story here.
It's not a fiction story, I'm really that up until now I haven't finished my fanfic. In all honesty I'm still an active user of LJ this past years, but some of my post are on private mode since it's all rant or journal about life.
I really wish I have all the time in the world to finish my story. I already have the ending in my imagination, I'm just having a hard time for the transition or how can I unfold things to happen.
But I didn't make this entry for me to explain my reasons why I can't finish my fanfic, I am here to tell a story. Usually I will rant this on twitter, but today, I witnessed my friend Kat posted something on twitter about breaking down and feeling really hopeless. One of my close friend too, Chelle is also feeling down this semester so is Rei. and so am I. but we didn't really bother to open up the whole story, we have our reasons. Mine is I don't want to cause them trouble they have their own problem too. Sometimes we will have session of open forum where we will comfort each other but most of the time I am having hard time reaching out to them because I can't even comfort myself so how can I say words half-heartedly just to comfort them. I hate it when people tried to comfort me with half-heart words so I will not do it to my friends.
It is saddening that because we were forced to take this path, we were unsure why we took this path, because of one single mistake of choosing this course, we all ended up becoming the worse version of ourselves.
We didn't grew for the better and that's the saddest thing that happened to me. My professor repeatedly told us that disappointing yourself is the worst type of disappointment and honestly although I am still denying the fact that I've let myself down, I know that I've let myself down.
I don't feel like I deserve what I have right now. I just want to stop living. Everyday I keep on wishing some car will knock me down, or what if a mugger attempt to kill me and I will be fine with that, I am tired emotionally, physically, mentally but I can't tell it to my mom because she didn't raise me to become a quitter or a someone who complains a lot. She raised me to become an independent woman who can face anything without crying for help. I've never been the favorite child or the perfect daughter my parents want but it is still saddening that I've let them down.
Fandom is not helping me too. Hey! Say! JUMP suddenly lost it's spark? Is this it? the end of it? or is it just a phase? I've always wondered when will be the time comes where I will not love JUMP the way I love them before, how will it feel, is this it? Day6 is the one who is helping me to cope up with reality. Without them I probably cried myself to sleep for several times.
I hope me and my friends will find our inner peace so we can just chill again. Let me end this story as I will rest myself to face another struggle later.
It's not a fiction story, I'm really that up until now I haven't finished my fanfic. In all honesty I'm still an active user of LJ this past years, but some of my post are on private mode since it's all rant or journal about life.
I really wish I have all the time in the world to finish my story. I already have the ending in my imagination, I'm just having a hard time for the transition or how can I unfold things to happen.
But I didn't make this entry for me to explain my reasons why I can't finish my fanfic, I am here to tell a story. Usually I will rant this on twitter, but today, I witnessed my friend Kat posted something on twitter about breaking down and feeling really hopeless. One of my close friend too, Chelle is also feeling down this semester so is Rei. and so am I. but we didn't really bother to open up the whole story, we have our reasons. Mine is I don't want to cause them trouble they have their own problem too. Sometimes we will have session of open forum where we will comfort each other but most of the time I am having hard time reaching out to them because I can't even comfort myself so how can I say words half-heartedly just to comfort them. I hate it when people tried to comfort me with half-heart words so I will not do it to my friends.
It is saddening that because we were forced to take this path, we were unsure why we took this path, because of one single mistake of choosing this course, we all ended up becoming the worse version of ourselves.
We didn't grew for the better and that's the saddest thing that happened to me. My professor repeatedly told us that disappointing yourself is the worst type of disappointment and honestly although I am still denying the fact that I've let myself down, I know that I've let myself down.
I don't feel like I deserve what I have right now. I just want to stop living. Everyday I keep on wishing some car will knock me down, or what if a mugger attempt to kill me and I will be fine with that, I am tired emotionally, physically, mentally but I can't tell it to my mom because she didn't raise me to become a quitter or a someone who complains a lot. She raised me to become an independent woman who can face anything without crying for help. I've never been the favorite child or the perfect daughter my parents want but it is still saddening that I've let them down.
Fandom is not helping me too. Hey! Say! JUMP suddenly lost it's spark? Is this it? the end of it? or is it just a phase? I've always wondered when will be the time comes where I will not love JUMP the way I love them before, how will it feel, is this it? Day6 is the one who is helping me to cope up with reality. Without them I probably cried myself to sleep for several times.
I hope me and my friends will find our inner peace so we can just chill again. Let me end this story as I will rest myself to face another struggle later.