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so that worked. not. matteo was crazier (but much nicer) than colehour. and the main house was a total mess, there was no garden at all to speak of at that farm, and i was not prepared to live in that hut. it was rustic in hawaii but not musty and uncomfortable at all. but anyway back to the drawing board. again. all i want is someone like me, and nice, and not crazy in the scary way, and to go to their farm and help them grow stuff this summer and get some more experience about all the different aspects of growing, beekeeping, husbandry, maple tapping, all kinds of shit. get experience growing in the fair weathered northeast instead of the blazing sun of the middle ass pacific. it's awesome, every average clone who has no passion at all, and just wants something fake and unimportant seems to be able to find JUST what they are looking for, but someone who actually wants to coexist with nature, not ambush her and poison her delicate skin, can't find the scenario at all. i'm sure people just settle because it's easiest. i DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS AT ALLLLLLL. it does get me mad, but i actually feel pretty relaxed about it all. i'm just waiting and waiting means having to deal with the crappiness, as most people usually do for their entire lives, but i just would kind of rather be dead than have to put up with the bullshit for the rest of my life. forfeit the most vibrant years of my life, the most energetic i will be, to the daily nine to five malarky in a job that doesn't at all matter to my private interests of the world. it just seems so absurd. it always has. it always will. it is also so silly to me that adbusters, while they write great articles, important articles, also have a fucking website where they sell shit. stop consumerism, but buy our magazine, and our posters, and while you're at it, get some for your friends! everyone has to be a hypocrite this day in age. no matter what. me too. i fucking hate it and don't want it to be this way, and i don't want to have to put up with this way of life for my whole life. BUT, scott and julienne miiiiiiight be taking the train up here as we speak which makes me feel super about not having stayed up at that farm today. he was so sweet too. batty, but well intentioned. there was nothing there though. nothing. no greenhouse to work on, no kitchen, no hot water, not much, just the "yurt" and an outhouse, which would normally be ok if it had the other basic ammenities, but i need order. at least the bare minimum of it. i could live in one room as long as i had a comfy bed, running water, and at least a little electricity. that's what the first place in hawaii had. that was fiiiine. but a tarp over some sticks i couldn't handle. i'd rather live in a tent. onto the next endeavor. at least this shit's exciting. i like being bored as long as something interesting is going on. i should chop at my hair because it is way too unruly, but i'm scared to. lacey said she would but i don't know. ohh her pug puppy sophie is the most precious little doot i have ever seen. her head was so tiny and her eyes bugged out so much. i almost cried when i was playing with her. she was small enough to perch on your shoulder. i want a puppy. two puppies actually. one for each of us so we don't get jealous ever. as soon as we find the ideal situation i am finding a homeless puppy to raise to adore to run around with. i could never have one because of the siblings allergies. depriveddd. i would maybe name her squirrel. or maybe not. ok my eyes are burning from the screen. i hope those fuckers come tonight. i would so like to have people i can talk to and be around totally comfortably. it's so damn nice.

edit:nope they're not coming. his mom wasn't around to get them from poughkeepsie..so i'm eating soymilk and kashi friends instead. awww we always used to eat it at scotts house. fycfjuckddude i wanted the tits the ass the beer and the pussy all together again for the first time in forever/ so i guess i should just go downstairs and mope with my little man. poop. and i miss danny too. i really like complaining today. unproductively. and i was kind of bitchy to chris all day tooooo which sucksss. maybe i'm pmsing but i dont think so cus mine usually comes on the full moon which isn't yet. i dont know.