Save Me : Version I
Save Me : Version I
Wordcount: 9575
Rating: PG13 for language, violence, and adult situations
Pairing: Tucker/Tari (OMC/OFC)
Feedback: Hell yea! I didn’t post this thing for my health.
Disclaimer: Actually...I do own everything here
Author's Note: This is the original version of the story…I had it completely finished, happy ending and all when the whole situation in my life *that this story was based off of* shifted and changed course dramatically. So, goodbye went the happy ending and the darkness in the second version appeared. For fun, and I don’t hold any rights to these songs, Dave Matthews, Shinedown both have songs titled “Save Me,” but, at least for this story, my favorite is “Save Me” by Remy Zero *it’s the theme song to Smallville,* so in my infinite patheticness all my chapter titles come from the lyrics of those songs.
Chapter One: All My Dreams Have Fallen Down
She slammed the door to her car and walked quickly up the front steps of the pale blue building, banging on the old wooden door when she reached the top.
Enya, her friend, peered through the smudged glass as she walked to the door and opened it.
“Tari,” she said in surprise. “What are you doin’ here?”
“I need to talk to you…now.”
“Umm…okay…” Enya stammered, opening the door wider for Tari to come in.
Tari finished coming up the steps and stepped into the old house. Enya had bought it from her mother when she had moved. The house itself was almost fifty years old.
The old floorboards creaked under her boots, mingling with the sounds of her leather jacket as she made her way to the couch nestled in a corner looking at the fireplace.
That fireplace had always made her laugh. There was no chimney in the house. But there in the middle of the wall sat a fireplace, it had always been there. Enya always kept it stocked with a couple dozen different candles.
“Is everything okay?” she asked Tari hesitantly.
Tari had a bad habit of getting herself into situations. Situations that always ended with her being hurt somehow. Not to mention that her family had had their fair share of hard times as it was. Her mother had died not even a year ago.
She sighed. “Yea…”
Enya didn’t believe it for a second.
“Can you clear your schedule for like…the next two or three months?”
Enya’s eyes went wide. “Umm…why?”
“Remember that road trip we had dreamed of since high school? Well, I’ve been saving money for over a year…I’m going. And I want you to come with me.”
Enya couldn’t think. She was speechless.
“Yea…I mean…I’d have to get some shit in order but…well…yea…when do you want to leave?”
“Like…now…but I understand about having to get your shit together. How long will you need?”
Now? She wanted to leave fucking now? Why the hell was she friends with her again? God, Tari had issues.
“Give me till tomorrow. Come by when you want to leave. I’m sure I can get shit set up by then,” Enya said, glancing around the house.
“Cool. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Tari said, walking back outside without another word and heading back to her car.
Enya watched through the kitchen window as Tari fired up her 1970 Monte Carlo and backed out of the dirt driveway. Breaking the tires loose and letting out a short squeal as she started her way back down the road.
There had to be more to this spontaneous trip. Yeah they had always someday planned on taking a road trip. But now…and with only a days notice. Enya couldn’t shake the feeling that it felt like they were running from something. She just didn’t know what.
***
Tari walked through her house grabbing things she thought she might need and stuffing them in her bags.
Money…check. Clothes…check. Bathroom shit…check. Phone, laptop, knife, gun, CDs…check, check, check, check and check.
She walked outside to where her car was backed into the driveway and threw her duffle bag and backpack into the trunk next to the spare tire and toolbox.
She shoved her hands in her pockets and sighed, staring at the car.
It seemed like forever since she had taken a road trip. And she’d never taken one as long as she was planning now.
She had stuff for the car, she had all her personal stuff, she had maps, money, some snacks and drinks stuffed in a cooler in the backseat, and some blankets and pillows on the floorboard.
She was ready. She just had to wait till tomorrow and go get Enya.
***
Tomorrow rolled around all too quick. For both of them.
Tari had spent the night tossing and turning in her sleep barely getting any rest at all. Enya had spent all night making sure everything was in order and packing everything she needed. Then she had set up and pondered why Tari was doing this.
Tari pulled into Enya’s driveway a little after noon. She normally liked starting her trips early in the morning, before dawn, but knew that Enya would never have agreed to that.
As the back end of her black car swung into Enya’s driveway, someone coming down the road caught a glimpse.
Tucker gunned his truck trying to catch up…he hadn’t talked to her in over a week. She hadn’t let him.
As she stood up and pulled her hoodie over her head she heard the engine approach behind her. Straightening the hood as it fell over her head she turned…and saw him.
“No,” she whispered.
She reached in her downed window and blared the horn, screaming for Enya to hurry the fuck up, the whole time staring into his blue eyes.
Oh, how she hated those blue eyes.
“Tari…” he started, climbing out of his truck and starting towards her.
“Shut up Tucker. Enya!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming…damn…” she stopped mid sentence, her step faltering as she came around the corner and saw Tucker there. “Tucker…hi…”
“Hey Enya…” he stopped too when he saw the bags in her hand.
Tari walked to the back of her car with a scowl on her face and opened the trunk letting Enya toss her stuff inside.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“What does it look like?” Tari clipped. “We’re leaving.”
“Leaving? Where?”
“I don’t know yet, wherever.”
“What? Tari what are you talking about?”
She was ignoring him as she watched Enya jog back to the house to grab something.
“Tari! Talk to me!”
“No!”
“Why? What the hell…”
“I can’t Tucker…why can’t you understand that?!”
“Can’t? What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” he asked walking towards her and grabbing her arm to make her look at him.
Enya stopped at the bottom step as he grabbed Tari and watched as she turned with inhuman speed and slammed her knife’s blade against his throat.
***
Chapter Two: I Feel the Waves Crash Down Inside & They Pull Me Under
He stared into her cold eyes and froze. He had never seen her eyes like that.
“I. Can’t. Get that through your skull. Now get off me,” she cut each word out slowly and with a voice that almost wasn’t her own.
He suppressed a shudder.
He released his grip from her arm but didn’t back away from the blade’s edge. She wouldn’t hurt him.
He hoped.
“Tari…” he said, his voice calmer. “Please…talk to me. You just…disappeared…I don’t know what happened. Call me stupid but I’m lost.”
Lost.
That word echoed in her head, refusing to be quieted. She felt lost. That was part of the reason she was leaving. She had to try to find herself again. She felt like she was just watching everything from inside a shell for the past few weeks. Time was passing and it felt like she was standing still.
Her blade stayed at his throat.
“Tucker…” she said slowly, willing her voice to stay steady. Her jaw clenched and she tilted her head slightly trying to find the words.
He watched as her eyes bored into his. He had never seen her look that way. Sure, she had always been the badass girl in the group, but she was also the girl you went to when you needed somewhere to turn, he had never seen anything less than compassion and love in those eyes. Seeing the coldness in them now scared him more than the blade that was still pressed against his Adam’s apple.
Her nostrils flared as she tried to control her breathing, forcing the stitch in her chest to retreat.
“Go. Home.”
“No.”
She growled. “I can’t do this, okay? I just…can’t.”
Damnit, why was it whenever he was around her brain turned to mush? She could never think straight around him.
“That’s not good enough for me,” he whispered.
“Not good enough for you? Newsflash…I don’t give a shit. I’m leaving…I have to get away from this crap.”
“Away from what?!” he said, his temper starting to flare once again.
“Away from you,” she spit out at him, finally removing her blade and quickly getting in the car, slamming the door.
Enya stood there for a split second. They were running from something…from Tucker. But why?
“Enya!”
She jumped, staring at Tucker for a second before climbing in the car.
Tari dug ruts in the dirt as she slammed the accelerator down and tore out of Enya’s driveway, heading towards the nearest interstate.
Tucker stood in the dust that she had kicked up and clenched his jaw. As he watched as her taillights turned the corner he climbed in his truck and started down the road.
***
She gunned her car up the onramp and slammed the pedal to the floor when she reached the top.
Enya had sat in the thick silence the whole trip from her house. Tari hadn’t said a word.
Enya glanced to the left eyeing Tari’s clenched jaw. She cleared her throat breaking the silence.
“Don’t,” Tari cut out.
“No Tari, I dropped everything to go on this Thelma and Louise road trip with you, with nothing but a days notice and then had to watch that little display of dominance on my front lawn with you and Tucker, now you’re going to tell me what the fuck this is all about or so help me god I’ll beat your ass myself.”
Tari couldn’t help but smirk. That was one of the reasons her and Enya were best friends. Neither of them put up with the other’s bullshit.
She sighed.
“You know how me and him kinda…hooked up.”
“Yea…”
“Well, I found out that he was still…kinda with his ex.”
“Wait…what? What do you mean…kinda?”
She breathed hard through her nose. This was gonna be a long ride.
“You know he was with her for almost five years. I understand that you can’t just walk away from something like that. But he came to me and said all that shit…and I believed him…every fucking word…I had no reason not too. And he had told me point blank that he wasn’t over her, and I knew they were still trying to be friends and shit. And that’s okay, I mean…I wasn’t thrilled, but that was his choice. But you know how he called me all the fucking time, like everyday, and for no reason at all, just to say hi. I mean, we seriously talked like two or three times a day. And he knew I wanted more. He knew I wanted a fucking relationship, not just the friends with benefits that we had. And he had told me he wasn’t ready. We had had that whole conversation. And I fucking understand that…I seriously do. But…” she ground her teeth.
“I went on Myspace the other day…went to his profile…kinda, snooped around his comments…she had left one for him…saying how she loved and missed him and apparently they were gonna hang out Saturday because ‘she just couldn’t wait till then.’ So…I went to her profile…and there was a comment from him…he fucking called her baby… ‘Hey baby, I love you…you should come over more often, love ya much!’ Bleh, bleh, bleh.
“I dunno, I snapped. I couldn’t deal with his shit after that. I couldn’t think of one effing word to say to him. I didn’t know how to act, what to say, how to deal with it. What ever the fuck ‘it’ was between us…so…I split…and here we are.”
Enya stared out the windshield. This was going to be a long ride.
***
Chapter Three: Or Am I Too Far Gone to Get Back Home?
Their first stop was Georgia. They went to Tari’s brother’s house. Stayed there for a week…then went a little father north and went and saw their old Auto Mechanics teacher from high school. He had moved north before their senior year but they had always kept in contact. The guy was practically a second father.
Next stop was Tennessee. Tari wanted to just get out in the wilderness for awhile. Then they swung over to Virginia and popped in on Enya’s dad. His attitude got to them though and they headed back west. Tari had a friend in Seattle. It was one hell of a drive, but that’s where they were headed.
They had stopped somewhere in Indiana for a rest. Getting a decent hotel room, but not a great one. Just a small mom and pop shop.
Tari was kicked back on the bed flipping through the wonderful ten channels the motel’s TV sported.
Enya was on the bed next to her reading a book.
Both were almost drifting to sleep when a knock pounded on the door.
They shot a look at each other.
Tari reached over and grabbed her pistol off the end table, snapping the safety off and silently walking over to the door, peering through the peephole.
She couldn’t breath.
Her eyes shot to the ground and darted across it. Thoughts racing through her head.
Enya whispered, “Who is it?”
Tari snapped back into consciousness and locked eyes with Enya. “Tucker.”
Enya dropped her book and stood up.
They were almost 1200 miles from home…and had made one hell of a crazy trip; how the hell had he found them?
Tari’s eyes glazed over and her jaw set. She opened the door in a flash and had the gun aimed at his forehead.
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Tari relax!” he threw his hands up startled. “It’s me!”
“I know damn well who it is,” she growled.
“Can you lower the gun…please?”
“No.”
Uh oh.
“Umm…can we talk?”
“No.”
Shit.
“Tari…”
“Go home Tucker, before you do something stupid.”
“Do something stupid? You’re the one with a pistol aimed at my head.”
Wrong thing to say.
She took a step closer and ground the barrel into his forehead.
“Why…are…you…here?” she grated out slowly.
“I want to talk to you. I don’t know what happened but I want to figure it the hell out.”
“Nothing happened. Now go home.”
“No.”
The barrel was pressed harder into his skin and he bit back a hiss of pain.
“I’m not going anywhere Tari. I just followed your ass all over the southeast. I want to talk to you. I don’t know what went wrong, but apparently I did something to piss you off and I want to know what, I want to fix it.”
She breathed hard through her nose and took a step back slamming the door in his face and viciously putting the chain on the door.
“Tari! What are you doing, why don’t you just talk to him?!” Enya asked her.
“I can’t!” She yelled. “When he’s around I can’t think, I don’t know how to act, what to say. That boy fucks with my brain and I can’t handle it! I don’t know how to feel anymore…everything’s…dead. I…” she faltered, willing that cold stone of a face back in place.
“I can’t talk to him. I can’t handle it Enya. I’m so close to that edge I can feel the gravel giving way beneath my feet. I…I’m so close to breaking I can feel the cracks…I can't…handle…it.”
Enya stood speechless. She had spent the last couple weeks watching Tari toss and turn in her sleep. Clutching her stuffed animal to her chest and curling up in the fetal position. She had watched every night as Tari mumbled and cried in her sleep. More than once she had heard his name come from her lips. Finally everything was starting to make sense.
***
Tucker stood outside in the cold. He wasn’t leaving. He didn’t know what to do or how to do it, but he wasn’t leaving.
He strained to hear what was being said behind the hotel room door. Only picking up bits and pieces. He sighed, watching as his breath formed a small cloud in the air before tightening his jacket and hopping up into the bed of his truck.
***
Tari rolled over in bed about five a.m. Yet another night of not getting much sleep. She wondered how she kept going every day.
She got up silently and shrugged on her jacket, walking over to the front door, caution made her check the peephole before opening it. She was glad she had.
Tucker’s truck still sat parked next to her car.
She growled.
She walked outside quietly, making sure not to wake Enya as she left. She didn’t know what had made her walk outside but as she walked to the back of her car she saw him huddled in the bed of his truck, curled up in a ball shivering in the pre-dawn cold.
She almost laughed before turning to go back into the hotel.
“Enya,” she whispered, shaking her shoulder. “Enya…”
“Hmm…wha’…” she blinked sleepily. “Tari? What time is it?”
“’Bout five-thirty.”
“And you woke me up?” she asked sarcastically. But she saw something in Tari’s eyes and didn’t make another smart ass comment. “What is it?”
“We’re leaving…now.”
“Tari?”
“Don’t ask…just get ready…quick.”
Oh, she was going to hear about this. Tari had bitched about not being able to put words to her feelings but she fucking well better once they hit the road, Enya was getting sick of this shit.
Enya finished packing her one bag and followed Tari outside. She stopped at the doorstep when she saw his truck.
“I need you to push the car.”
“What?”
“Don’t ask, just push okay?”
Enya clenched her jaw. “Fine.”
She pushed the car as Tari steered, maneuvering the black beast down the parking lot silently. When they reached the exit she pushed on the brakes and motioned for Enya to come get in.
She stared in her rearview mirror and turned the ignition. The big bock fired up obediently and for the first time in her life she cursed the car’s deep throated rumble.
She sat for a minute just staring at the bed of his truck, not seeing any movement. Content that they would get away she put the car in gear.
***
Tucker shivered in the cold. His mind fighting off the fog of sleep and his senses starting to come back to him. He rolled over on the hard bed liner of the truck and froze. He knew that sound. He fought away the rest of the haze in his mind and focused on the drone.
Finally it clicked. Tari’s car.
He sat up quickly and squinted his eyes trying to focus on the black back end of the Monte Carlo as it pulled out of the hotel parking lot.
God damnit.
He quick threw off his blanket and climbed out of the bed of his truck. Stretching quickly and trying to pop a few joints he groaned as he climbed back into the cab and fired up his tired old pickup, it protested against the cold weather but chugged faithfully as he backed up and went to follow Tari.
***
Chapter Four: How Did I Get Here & What Went Wrong?
“Ok…I don’t care how hard it is you better well fucking tell me what’s going on. That boy followed you god knows how many miles and you won’t even fucking talk to him so what the hell is happening?”
“You’re just being bitchy ‘cause it’s so early,” Tari smarted off.
“Damnit Tari! Shut the fuck up! I swear to god!”
“I told you…I don’t know what to say.”
“So figure it the fuck out!”
She sighed. Easier said than done.
“I love him.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“I love him. And, he…he still loves her. So…I left. I don’t know Enya, and trust me that’s pissing me off more than it is you. I just…when it comes to him I don’t know how to handle myself anymore. I don’t know what to feel. After all that shit he said, after everything we went through…it’s like, even after all this time at least some part of him wants her. And I tried to ignore that for a long time and something snapped in my head that day…and I just…I don’t know anymore. I never wanted to lose him…I just don’t know what to do. I had to walk away…I just…couldn’t deal with it.”
“You need to give him a chance.”
“I gave him a lot of chances Enya…and I thought he was taking them…and then I’d get on Myspace and see some sappy comment he left her. I ignored a lot before I ever reacted.”
“So why won’t you talk to him…you never know what he might say.”
“I just can’t. I can barely form a thought when I’m around him…let alone actual words. I don’t know what to say. Hell, I'm not even sure I know what the real problem is.”
“You love him…you’re under the impression he still loves her…you want him…you’re under the impression he wants her. You’re hurt. Simple as that.”
“No its not.”
Enya shook her head. “I love ya to death Tari, you know that…but you got a way of complicating things.”
“That’s the Lyman family way haven’t you heard?” she joked. “We overanalyze everything.”
Enya laughed.
***
Almost a week later they finally passed the Seattle city limits sign.
Enya stretched in the cool morning mist as they parked at a rest stop and got out.
Tari zipped up her leather jacket and headed towards the bathrooms…and hot coffee machine.
Enya had tried to get Tari to talk more about what was plaguing her. She hadn’t said much else. Just the same things over and over again. She knew she was confused…and hurt. And it never failed, every night she heard her crying in her sleep.
“What the hell did you do Tucker?” she whispered to herself as she watched Tari walking back with a steaming cup of coffee. She reached into her jacket pocket and brought out a small flask, pouring some of the liquid into the Styrofoam mug and swirling it to mix it in.
She shook her head as she too headed to the bathrooms.
Tari was leaning against the fender of her car when Enya came back out. Enya walked over and leaned next to her
“You got directions to your buddy’s house?”
Tari nodded. “They’re in the glove box.”
“Cool.”
Tari watched as the semis and cars went whizzing by on the interstate. She almost choked on the still steaming coffee as she thought she saw a glimpse of a familiar truck…finally deciding it was just her eyes playing tricks she turned to Enya and said “Let’s get going.”
Enya had seen her little pause in time, but said nothing.
***
The black car pulled into the sloped cement driveway.
Alana put down the magazine she had been reading and muted the TV. Getting up and walking over to the windows, she pulled the curtain back.
She stared in confusion for a minute before it clicked in her head. She knew that car. Her friend Tari had sent her pictures of it a long time ago.
She smiled. The bitch had said she was going to come visit.
She opened the door feigning anger.
“Tari you lil bitch…thanks for calling!”
“Shut up Alana,” Tari smiled, walking up the front step and pulling her into a hug. “Alana this is Enya.”
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
“Come on in, I’m sure you’ve had a long drive.”
Tari chuckled. She had no idea.
***
Chapter Five: Someone Save Me if You Will
The next morning they all sat around the kitchen table sipping coffee.
“He followed you…I still can’t get over that.”
Tari groaned. “Not you too.”
“What?”
“I think she should talk to him,” Enya stated flatly, shooting a look at Tari.
“How many times have I told you? It’s not that easy!”
“I know, I know!” Enya said, throwing up her hands in surrender.
Alana glanced between the two younger girls. She had about ten years on them.
“You should you know,” she said, sipping her coffee, and looking knowingly at Tari over the rim.
She groaned.
***
After a day of seeing all of Seattle’s sights and spending a very long time at the beach, where Tari just watched the waves while Alana and Enya swam, they finally headed back to Alana’s house.
Tari curled up on the couch clutching her stuffed animal and was asleep by the time Enya and Alana got out of their showers.
She was curled up in a ball on her side and kept mumbling things in her sleep.
Alana was drying her hair with a towel as she walked down the hallway, stopping when she heard Tari.
“Tari?”
“Don’t bother,” Enya said, walking up behind her with a towel around her head and walking to the kitchen. “She does that every time she sleeps.”
Alana walked around to the front of the couch and crouched down trying to figure out what Tari kept mumbling.
“It looks like she’s crying,” she whispered.
“She is,” Enya said, breezing back into the living room and sitting at the end of the couch by Tari’s feet with a cup of yogurt in her hand.
Tari clutched her stuffed animal tighter and buried her face in its fur, still mumbling when she felt the slight movement next to her.
“What’s with the…dog?” Alana asked, waving her hand towards the stuffed animal.
“I don’t know really. She’s had it since she was a kid. She says it helps her sleep. I thought she was just being pathetic at first…but I think she’s serious. I took it away from her one night, just to see what would happen.”
“And?”
“And take the mumbling and crying and tossing and turning right now…and multiply it…by like…five.”
“Wow.”
“Yea.”
“Does she ever say anything you can understand?” Alana asked, pulling over the ottoman and sitting in front of Tari, brushing a few stray hairs away from Tari’s forehead.
“She talks about him…all the time.”
“Tucker?”
“Yea. She never says anything I can really understand, just…his name. And that she loves him…and can’t handle it.”
Alana stared at Tari’s sad face. She looked so heartbroken, and like she hadn’t slept in weeks…although she knew that wasn’t the case.
Alana sighed. “What should we do?”
“There’s nothing we can do. Unfortunately. Trust me, I’ve tried.”
Tari whimpered loudly and rolled over onto her back, never relinquishing her death grip on her stuffed dog.
She then reached up and rubbed her eyes before cracking one open to see Alana and Enya watching her protectively.
“What?”
“You were…talking…in your sleep.”
Tari stared at Alana…she could have guessed that much.
“Did I say something you shouldn’t have heard?” she asked sarcastically.
Enya and Alana both laughed.
“No…you didn’t say anything that I could even understand,” Alana said, “’Cept his name.”
Tari sat up on the couch and ran a hand through her hair. Get ready for the Spanish Inquisition.
“Tari you can’t keep going on like this.”
“I can do whatever I want,” she mumbled bracing her hands on the sofa cushion pushing herself to stand.
Alana’s frighteningly strong hand snaked out, grabbing her shoulder and pushing her back into the soft cushions.
“Sit the fuck down.”
Oh no.
“You might not like it but I’m not having you mope around my house while you’re here. It’s obvious you aren’t getting enough rest and now I know why. Now I know he hurt you and I know you’re confused but you know what? That’s life. So you’re gonna sit your pretty little ass here until we can come to some kinda conclusion about this before I have to beat that previously mentioned ass. You hear me?”
Tari glared at Alana.
“I’m serious Tari,” she said slowly, in a tone that let Tari know for sure there was no joking involved.
She sighed.
“Well I don’t know what to tell you,” she said in a small voice, one almost not her own.
“Figure it out.”
“Now you sound like Enya,” she forced a laugh, hoping to either lighten the mood or change the subject.
Enya just smiled.
“Well that’s ‘cause great minds think alike,” Alana sarcastically shot back.
Tari sighed again, hanging her head into her hands and lacing her fingers through her dark hair, messing it up even more than it was from her recent nap.
She mumbled while her head still hung low. “I don’t know Alana. I love him. I can’t stop. No matter how much I want to hate him…he just…makes me love him more. I just…” she choked.
“You know about me and him,” she said, dropping her hands and raising her head to stare at some distant spot only she could see.
“You know…he was my first. And as much as people have told me…and as much as I almost feel like I should…I don’t regret it. I’m glad it was him. But I knew the relationship thing was a shot in the dark. I knew it probably would never happen. But I just, I just felt like somehow I knew I would never lose him. No matter what happened I knew he would always be there, as a friend if nothing else.”
Alana and Enya both sat in silence, knowing if she didn’t try to get this all out now, she may never be able to again.
“And I don’t honestly know what made me snap. I saw that damn comment on Myspace and it was like something hit me upside of the head. I dunno. I knew they were still trying to be friends. I knew she was a bitch but I understood his side of it too. He was with her for five fucking years. You don’t just walk away from something like that. It’s just…damnit!”
She hung her head back into her hands and growled.
Alana had the feeling there was more to go; she gently laid her hand on Tari’s knee. “We can talk about how to kill her later, finish what you were saying,” she said jokingly.
Tari raised her head and gave her a smirk.
That’s my girl. Alana thought, at least she could still give that smartass look.
“We had been talking like…everyday…two or three times a day. He was calling me randomly, to say hi or whatever, before he went to school, before he went to bed all that shit. He was calling me babe and hun and sayin’ ‘love ya,’ and I know none of that probably means shit but I’m pathetic and tend to latch on to shit like that.”
Oh yea, she was rambling now, that was a good sign. Tari had a bad habit of rambling.
Alana’s mouth twitched as she suppressed the grin that wanted to break out over her face.
“I dunno,” she sighed. “I just…I saw that damn comment…‘Love ya baby! You should come over’ bleh bleh bleh. I just…I threw my hands up. I've been down that road too many times. Get all excited ‘bout a guy then get sucker punched. I didn’t want to do it again.”
“So you ran?”
Tari nodded. “Yea…I guess I did,” she mumbled softly, staring at the ground. “I was…lost…I didn’t know what else to do.”
Alana and Enya met eyes for a second as an almost tense silence fell over the room like a tangible thick fog.
Tari was surprisingly the one who broke it.
“I’m going to go lay down,” she said calmly.
There was something in her voice that made Enya pause. Something didn’t…feel right. But Tari offered them and small smile and reassured Alana when she had questioned her so she watched as Tari walked down the hallway, stuffed dog hanging limply from her hand and into the guest bedroom.
Alana sighed and looked at Enya again.
“I for one congratulate you,” Enya laughed.
“Why?” Alana asked with a smirk.
“That’s more than I’ve gotten out of her this entire trip.”
They both couldn’t help but laugh.
“Yea well…I actually think the trip helped. I mean…she’s still confused. But before you guys came. I don’t know…she just sounded so…lost. To use her word.”
“Yea I know,” Enya mumbled, looking back down the hallway.
***
Chapter Six: Save Me Mister Stranger, if You Please
Enya and Alana both screamed as something jumped across the TV screen. They had had a scary movie-a-thon after Tari had called it a day.
They both laughed at each other, knowing they were acting like kids. They had just started to eat their ice cream again when a loud knock pounded on the door. This time they did jump for real.
“Who the hell’s that?” Alana mumbled getting up to go get the door.
She looked through the peephole at the young man standing awkwardly. He had his hands shoved in his jeans pockets and was biting his lip. He turned to look over his shoulder as if to reconfirm something and then turned back around. He looked at the door for a second as if it would somehow tell him something and then raised his fist to knock again.
Alana opened the door.
“Can I help you?”
“Hi,” he said nervously. Looking at his still raised hand, he lowered it slowly and shoved it back into his pocket.
Alana stifled a laugh.
“Umm…yea, I umm…I saw the car…” he said, turning around and pointing with his thumb. “Is umm…is Tari here?”
Alana’s eyebrow arched. Her cool green eyes slowly traveled from head to foot down his form. Leather jacket, black t-shirt, jeans, boots. She looked behind him to see an old black pickup.
Her eyes met his again. “Tucker?”
It wasn’t really a question, she already knew the answer.
His mouth cracked into a strange half-smile, “Yea,” he nodded nervously.
“Come sit down.”
Tucker stepped past Alana and into the house slowly. Enya saw him the moment he came in from the foyer.
“Oh hell no…”
“Nice to see you too Enya,” he joked.
“Tucker…how the hell did you get here?”
“Same way you did. Drove.”
“You followed us the entire way here?”
“Looks like it,” Alana shot, walking past him to sit in the chair next to the couch. “Sit. Please,” she said, motioning to the couch.
He looked at Enya and carefully sat down before glancing around the house.
“Is Tari…”
“She’s here,” Alana spat out. “Barely.”
“What?” His brow furrowed.
She leaned forward in the chair, resting her elbows on her knees and lacing her fingers together.
“You hurt her.”
He almost looked taken aback. But it was more just a look of understanding than surprise. He had known that. That’s why he had followed her some 3200 odd miles. He wanted to get things straightened out.
“Look I know…”
“You don’t know shit you lil slime ball…”
“Alana!” Enya reacted. She knew she was upset, hell, they all were, but she also knew Tucker, and despite what was going on he wasn’t a slime ball.
Alana looked at Enya and then back at Tucker. “Sorry,” she mumbled. “Tari likes you. That obviously means something. But I can’t ignore the fact that you hurt her.”
He nodded.
“She hasn’t had a decent nights rest on this entire trip. Ask Enya. I had the wonderful chance to witness it today. She laid on that couch that you’re sitting on and proceeded to toss and turn and talk in her sleep, and she fucking cried, which I for one didn’t even know was possible to do while you were sleeping. And the entire time, all she seemed to say was your name.”
Tucker glanced at the couch as if it would confirm her statement and then met Alana’s eyes again.
“She’s lost, confused. You…led her on…”
He lifted his finger to interrupt her.
“Shut it. I’ll let you talk, don’t worry, but let me finish first. She fell for you whether you like it or not. And I know about the relationship you just got out of. And I understand, trust me I do, I just got back from watching the first love of my life get married, but I’ll tell you what boy, she fell hard for you. And she can’t change that. She’s tearing herself up about it because she doesn’t want to lose you but doesn’t want to stay just friends either.”
Tucker stayed silent for a second to make sure Alana was finished.
“I know. We…we talked about all that. I do like her, I’m just, I’m not in a place yet where I’m ready for another girlfriend. I never meant to hurt her. And honestly, I don’t care if you believe me or not. All I give a shit about right now is her. I didn’t follow her over 3000 miles just ‘cause I wanted a fuck or some dumb shit. I did this because…I care about her. And I understand what you’re saying. But honestly, I want to talk to her. I’m not exactly sure I know what happened and I need to figure it out. I don’t want to lose her either.”
Enya piped up. “Are you trying to get back with Lacy?”
He turned and looked at her utterly confused. “What? No. What the hell gave you that idea?”
Enya arched her eyebrow. Tari being the obvious answer.
“What?” he asked still confused. “Lacy ended it with me. She made it clear it was over…for good. I was never trying to get back with her…I just…I don’t know…I was trying to stay friends with her…we had both kinda wanted that.”
“Well she didn’t know that,” Alana said quietly.
Tucker turned again to face her. Realization dawning on him and understanding washing across his face.
His eyes went to the ground and darted back and forth as if reading words of wisdom that were written in the carpet.
His gaze never left the ground.
“Where is she?” he asked quietly.
“Down the hall, second door to the left.”
He nodded and sat quietly for a moment. He finally sighed deep, rubbed his palms on the knees of is jeans and looked at both Alana and Enya before standing and heading down the hall.
***
Chapter Seven: Couldn’t Handle Forgiveness, Now I’m Far Beyond Gone
He gently rapped on the partly closed door. When there was no answer he slowly pushed it open with his knuckle, craning his head to see around the intrusion.
She was curled up on her side, stuffed animal clutched to her chest with one hand, the other holding the pillow under her head. She had the sheets kicked to hell and tangled in a mess, none of them actually covering her.
He laughed quietly and shook his head. She always looked so cute when she slept. But even at this distance he could see what Alana and Enya had been talking about. She looked like she hadn’t slept in ages; dark circles under her eyes standing out even in the low light. Her hair was pulled back and she looked paler than he remembered.
His faced quickly turned serious as he slowly walked over to the bedside. He crouched down, sitting on his heels and watched her as she slept.
She shifted her legs and mumbled his name in distress.
His brow furrowed and a frown crossed his face. He reached out and brushed a strand of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear.
“I’m here babe,” he whispered.
He shrugged off his jacket and tossed it on the chair in the corner, he slowly and carefully climbed in the bed next to her, not even bothering with the sheets that she had destroyed.
His hand rested on her cheek and her breathing seemed to calm a little bit.
Concern etched itself across his face.
“What did I do to you?”
She mumbled something again; his eyes tried to read her face, but he couldn’t understand the language written there.
He leaned his forehead against hers and wrapped his thick arms around her small form. God, she felt skinnier than he remembered.
She felt…calm. Her unconscious was reeling with the feeling that she didn’t have to protect herself. Despite the sudden change, her body was receiving the signals from her brain that she was safe and was slowly coming down off of its endless adrenaline high and started to slow and relax.
He held her as she started to calm. The stuffed animal was still smushed between the two of them but she was rubbing her face in his chest and she sighed deeply, her fingers closing tightly around handfuls of his t-shirt.
He couldn’t help but smile.
Her brain although comprehending the feeling of ‘safe’, started throwing out signals of ‘not normal.’ Her eyes darted slowly underneath her eyelids and foggy thoughts started to filter into her mind.
Tucker. Enya and the road trip. Tucker following them. The little heart to heart with Alana. Tucker saying he was here.
She mentally shook herself. Tucker hadn’t said that last time she had seen him. She sighed in confusion in her sleep.
Slowly she was regaining consciousness and forcing the haze of sleep away. She sighed again and smelled his pure masculine musk that she had loved so much. No, Tari…it’s just your imagination, it’s just been too much. She felt the sheets tangled around her ankles, but somehow she was still being kept warm. She felt small puffs of air falling on her nose and washing across her cheeks. She turned her head to escape the annoying repetitive feeling.
It didn’t stop, just…moved.
Wait…something moved.
She cracked open a weary eye and saw an expanse of black. Then she noticed the thick arm wrapped snuggly around her.
Her gaze slowly went upwards, wishing and praying to whatever god there was that this was just a nightmare. Just another nightmare.
“Hey hun, hope I didn’t wake you,” his voice sounded rough like gravel, husky, from his effort to whisper.
Her grey eyes hit the blue pools of his own and her breath froze in her chest. She felt cold. So cold.
“No…” she hissed, shaking her head frantically, her small hands still clutching his shirt flattened against his chest and pushed back, his own arms preventing much of a retreat.
“Tari?” he asked, his brow knit with confusion. “Tari relax it’s me.”
“No,” she said. It was barely more than air escaping her lungs. Air that for some reason he couldn’t inhale and replace. Why was it so cold?
He watched as her face blanched. She was shaking and struggling for breath. It wasn’t until then that he noticed the small beads of sweat forming at her hairline.
“Tari? You need to calm down babe!” his own fear growing rapidly.
“No,” she whispered one last time, her eyes rolling up into her head as her body pushed with what little effort was left and broke his grasp as she rolled off the other side of the bed and fell to the floor with the dull and sickening thud of dead weight.
“Tari!”
***
Chapter Eight: I Don’t Care How You do it, Just Save Me
Alana’s shoulder collided with the door frame as both she and Enya slid to a halt.
Tucker was picking Tari up off the floor.
“What the hell happened?!”
“I don’t fucking know! Call a fucking ambulance!”
Enya turned and raced back towards the living room. Alana headed for the bathroom, snatching a small hand towel off the rack and ignoring the larger one that landed on the floor. She quick ran some water and headed back towards the bed where Tucker had laid Tari down.
“Come on Tari…” he whispered, his voice strained.
Alana sat down next to Tari’s head and placed the washcloth over her forehead.
Tucker had a white knuckled grip around one of Tari’s hands.
Alana glanced at his face to see tears streaming down his cheeks.
Not heart wrenching sobs, not the ones where you can’t breathe, no, these were silent tears. The kind you try so hard to hold back but can’t. The kind that don’t have you gasping for breath. The kind that just continue till fall until you no longer remember they’re even there.
Her brow furrowed. She didn’t know what happened exactly. And she wasn’t sure he would be able to fix it, but one thing she was certain of…he cared for her.
Enya appeared back at the door, a hand covering her mouth as she struggled for breath between sobs, as the sounds of sirens started to wail in the distance.
***
The slow and steady hum of the oxygen machine droned on in the small room. The constant hiss and pop of the IV pumping meds into her frail arm had lulled him to sleep.
His fingers lay twined with hers on the cold white sheet. His head lolled to one side next to them.
Enya and Alana walked in carrying three cups of coffee. They both offered small smiles to each other when they saw Tucker. He had refused to leave Tari’s side. Originally the nurses had refused to let any of them inside, because they weren’t family. One of the nurses though, thank god, had seen just how bad the whole situation distressed Tucker and had let the friends in.
Alana carefully took the seat next to him and rubbed his back.
“Tucker? Tucker hun…wake up.”
He startled awake, no where near the easy stirring she had been aiming for.
“Huh? Wha? The doctor? What is it?”
Enya couldn’t help but smile. “It’s nothing sweetie, here,” she said, offering him the coffee.
He smiled. “Thanks.”
“You know it’s getting late,” Alana offered. “Visiting hours are about to end. Why don’t we all head home. We’ll come back first thing in the morning.”
Tuckers eyes stayed on Tari. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She wasn’t supposed to be lying in a hospital bed, wasn’t supposed to have an oxygen tube wrapped around her face, forcing puffs of air into her system, wasn’t supposed to have a plastic tube running into her arm pumping her full of the nutrients that her body was lacking.
That’s what the doctor said. She had been ‘dangerously malnourished.’ The second he had said it Enya had broken down in tears. Blaming herself for not realizing that Tari wasn’t eating right during the trip.
Tucker had refused to let her believe that. He hadn’t said it, but if it was anyone’s fault, it was his. It was his fault she laid here before him. In this cold hospital room.
“No,” he whispered. “I wanna stay here.”
“Honey, I know you do, but I don’t think the nurses will let you.”
“I don’t care.”
“Tucker…”
“I’m staying. I don’t care what I have to do to do it.”
Alana bit her lip and nodded; she stood up taking Enya by the elbow and walked back out into the hallway and towards the nurses’ station, hoping she could talk them into it.
Tucker’s hand stayed entwined with Tari’s. He slowly put the still untouched Styrofoam coffee mug on the rollaway table and slowly climbed into Tari’s bed with her.
She mumbled something quietly and he froze, one knee on the mattress.
She shifted slightly on her side and her hand closed a little tighter around his.
His face broke out into a pained smile. Like a smile you have when a dying relative tells a joke. It’s a real smile, but one you really don’t feel. One that never reaches your red, puffy eyes.
He squeezed her hand back and curled up next to her.
By the time the nurse returned with Alana and Enya in tow, he had already fallen asleep next to her. He held her hand in his between their faces and had his free arm wrapped around her slim middle.
The nurse quietly walked over to the machines monitoring Tari and checked a few things.
“Well,” she whispered, returning to Alana and Enya’s side. “If I’m reading the machines right, she’s actually better with him there. Her heart rate has slowed a little, which is good, and her blood pressure is down. Which is very good.”
Alana and Enya shot a knowing look between each other.
“Can he stay?” Alana whispered.
The nurse looked skeptical. But pursed her lips and nodded quickly before walking away.
Her white shoes stopped a few feet from the door and she turned back to the girls. “But no one gave him permission,” she winked.
Alana and Enya nodded with smiles. “Yes ma’am.”
***
Chapter Nine: Just Give Me Faith, Make Me Believe
The sun shone through the cracks in the vertical blinds. They rustled with the quiet movement of the nurse as she left the room. The light danced in between the slats and fell across his face.
He turned his head from the dancing light, but it wouldn’t stop. He groaned and tried to roll onto his side before he stopped, feeling a hand on his stomach. He opened a sleep dusted eye and tried to focus his weary vision on what was pinning him in place.
It all came rushing back to him so quickly he thought he might be sick.
But there before him lay Tari, curled up on her side, but at least not mumbling now, and she had a hand resting on his stomach, her head lying perfectly in the niche between his arm and his chest.
He sighed and swallowed hard. He watched her as she slept. She was regaining her color and looked much stronger than when she had been admitted. He reached over carefully and brushed some hair out of her face. He laid there staring when the doctor came in.
“Oh, she’s still sleeping,” he whispered.
Tucker nodded.
“That’s quite alright. I’ll just leave these papers on the table for her to sign when she wakes up. As long as she feels up to it she can leave tomorrow.”
“She’s okay?” he asked, his voice still scratchy from sleep.
“She’ll be just fine,” the doctor said with a smile, jotting some things down on a clipboard.
“You must be the young man the nurses told me about.”
Tucker froze like a deer in the headlights of a semi. He knew it was against hospital policy for someone, especially someone that wasn’t family, to stay over night, let alone in the patient’s bed.
“Relax,” the doctor chuckled. “Even I can’t dispute the fact that she seems calmer with you here,” he said with a sparkle in his eye. “Just make sure she starts eating and sleeping properly.”
Tucker nodded again. “Yes sir.”
“Let her know if she has any questions don’t hesitate to ask the nurses for me,” he said before leaving the room.
Tucker slowly and carefully slid himself up into more of a sitting position. Tari fidgeted a little and he froze until she quieted down again before he finished moving.
He thought he must have sat there for hours like that. Staring down at her while she slept. His hand running slowly up and down her back.
Finally she turned and nuzzled into his chest and breathed deep.
“Tuck?” she whispered.
He smiled. She was the only one that he ever let call him Tuck. Originally she had done it just to piss him off. Now he realized how much he loved it.
“Yea babe…it’s me.” His heart rate sped up a little bit, fear flooding his mind; hoping this wouldn’t be a repeat of last time she woke up in his arms.
“Relax,” she said with a weary smile. “I’m not gonna freak out this time,” she said sitting up next to him and running her hand through her hair.
He smiled. “You remember what happened?”
She nodded. “It’s all…foggy…but I get the idea,” she said with a shameful smile.
He nodded too. What do you say in a moment like this?
“Tari…”
“Shut up Tuck.”
He couldn’t help the slight grin that broke out over his face at the use of his nickname again.
“I freaked, it wasn’t your fault. You know I’m psycho,” she laughed.
“True,” he smiled. “But that’s why I love you.”
She looked at him for a split second before her gaze returned to her hands where she fiddled with the string on her hospital gown.
“Tucker…seriously...”
“I know Tari. That’s why I’m here. I knew something was wrong. I wanted to figure it out. Hopefully me coming this far to straighten it out means something.”
She looked at him again with misted eyes. “It does,” she whispered.
“I’m not with Lacy. And I’m not trying to get back with her.”
She stared.
“Alana and Enya told me what you said. You gotta understand babe…she was my life for five years. That’s the way I was with her. That’s the way I talked. I wasn’t used to the whole friends bit yet.”
She nodded, still playing with the string.
Damnit. This wasn’t coming out the way he had wanted it to sound.
He reached over, his large hands engulfing her own, stilling her movements. He shifted in the bed and leaned his forehead against hers. Her eyes still cast downwards.
She couldn’t look into his eyes right then. She was too close to breaking as it was.
“Tari,” he whispered softer. “I know what it looked like. But that’s not the case…I promise you. I’m not getting back with her. That was a chapter in my life. I need to write the next one now. I’m sorry hun…so goddamned sorry,” he paused, his voice breaking against his will. As his eyes focused on the blurring pattern on her gown her own eyes shot to his face.
“I never meant to hurt you,” his voice betrayed him, faltering.
“I know,” she whispered, her own voice strained.
Their eyes met.
“You're the one person I trust completely. No matter what happens you are the only person I know would never hurt me. The only person I know without a doubt truly loves me,” he breathed deep. “You’re my anchor,” he said with a forced smile.
A lone tear slipped down his cheek.
Her small hand reached up and cradled his cheek. The pad of her thumb brushing the small drop away.
He sniffed. “Every time I needed to turn somewhere you were the only person I could think of.”
Her brow furrowed.
“Every time I thought I was just going to snap…all I could think about what how you could hold me together.”
“Oh god…” she whispered, snatching her hands from his and covering her face.
“Tari?”
He heard muffled curses and smiled.
“You needed me and I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit…I wasn’t there for you,” she whispered.
“Hey, don’t do that…don’t do that to yourself. I don’t blame you babe…I’d never blame you,” he said, reaching up to pry her hands from her face.
She choked back a sob. “I always loved you. I should have been there.”
“You were,” he said simply.
She swallowed hard.
“I haven’t been with anyone since you,” he whispered.
She looked up surprised.
He shrugged. “I couldn’t,” he said with a smile. “Even the girls I thought I could do something with…I just…I couldn’t stop thinking of you. It ever got beyond kissing,” he paused. “I was trying so hard to get my heart back from her that I didn’t realize I had already given it to you.”
She didn’t know what to say to that.
“Look Tari. I'm still not ready. I’m not there yet. I'm not ready for another relationship.”
She nodded, her gaze downcast.
“But when I am…I wanna try…with you.”
He eyes snapped up to see the grin on his face.
“I told you I liked you,” he smiled. As if that would explain everything.
“I wanna try with you Tari. But you don’t deserve any less than everything. And I don’t have that to give right now. I want to give you everything. Just…don’t give up on me.”
She smiled despite herself. “I’d never give up on you,” she whispered, leaning forward to meet foreheads.
He smiled too and leaned into a soft kiss.
“We okay?”
She nodded.
“Good.”
She laughed.
“The doc says you need to eat.”
She blushed.
He laughed and pulled her into a hug. Her head still resting on his chest for a second when they released.
“He laid some papers over there for you to sign. Said you can leave tomorrow.”
“Thank god,” she laughed.
Right then Alana and Enya came walking in.
“Well look who finally decided to get her ass outta bed,” Alana winked.
“Hey bitch,” Tari shot right back.
“Oh thank the lord! We got our smartass back!” Enya said sarcastically.
Tari just shook her head while Tucker chuckled behind her.
“Look what I brought,” Enya said with a smile, holding out Tari’s stuffed dog.
“Dakota,” she smiled, reaching out and taking it, clutching it to her chest.
Tucker smiled.
“The nurse caught us in the hall,” Alana said. “Looks like you're coming home tomorrow huh?”
Tari nodded with a smile.
“Look…I’m sorry guys…for everything…”
“Just shut up right there,” Enya said with a smile. “We’re your friends…if we didn’t put up with your bullshit, who would?” she winked.
Tucker’s hand reached out and rubbed the small of her back.
She smiled over her shoulder.
He cleared his throat.
“I’m umm…gonna go grab something to eat,” he said, standing from the bed and stretching. “You want anything babe?” he asked Tari.
She shook her head and he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek before walking out the door and towards the elevators.
Alana arched an eyebrow when he had disappeared. “Oh really?”
Tari laughed. “We’re okay. We still need to talk I think…but we’re good.”
“I know,” she smiled.
Tari clutched her dog tighter, chin resting on its fur and stared at the ground, grinning from ear to ear.
Wordcount: 9575
Rating: PG13 for language, violence, and adult situations
Pairing: Tucker/Tari (OMC/OFC)
Feedback: Hell yea! I didn’t post this thing for my health.
Disclaimer: Actually...I do own everything here
Author's Note: This is the original version of the story…I had it completely finished, happy ending and all when the whole situation in my life *that this story was based off of* shifted and changed course dramatically. So, goodbye went the happy ending and the darkness in the second version appeared. For fun, and I don’t hold any rights to these songs, Dave Matthews, Shinedown both have songs titled “Save Me,” but, at least for this story, my favorite is “Save Me” by Remy Zero *it’s the theme song to Smallville,* so in my infinite patheticness all my chapter titles come from the lyrics of those songs.
Chapter One: All My Dreams Have Fallen Down
She slammed the door to her car and walked quickly up the front steps of the pale blue building, banging on the old wooden door when she reached the top.
Enya, her friend, peered through the smudged glass as she walked to the door and opened it.
“Tari,” she said in surprise. “What are you doin’ here?”
“I need to talk to you…now.”
“Umm…okay…” Enya stammered, opening the door wider for Tari to come in.
Tari finished coming up the steps and stepped into the old house. Enya had bought it from her mother when she had moved. The house itself was almost fifty years old.
The old floorboards creaked under her boots, mingling with the sounds of her leather jacket as she made her way to the couch nestled in a corner looking at the fireplace.
That fireplace had always made her laugh. There was no chimney in the house. But there in the middle of the wall sat a fireplace, it had always been there. Enya always kept it stocked with a couple dozen different candles.
“Is everything okay?” she asked Tari hesitantly.
Tari had a bad habit of getting herself into situations. Situations that always ended with her being hurt somehow. Not to mention that her family had had their fair share of hard times as it was. Her mother had died not even a year ago.
She sighed. “Yea…”
Enya didn’t believe it for a second.
“Can you clear your schedule for like…the next two or three months?”
Enya’s eyes went wide. “Umm…why?”
“Remember that road trip we had dreamed of since high school? Well, I’ve been saving money for over a year…I’m going. And I want you to come with me.”
Enya couldn’t think. She was speechless.
“Yea…I mean…I’d have to get some shit in order but…well…yea…when do you want to leave?”
“Like…now…but I understand about having to get your shit together. How long will you need?”
Now? She wanted to leave fucking now? Why the hell was she friends with her again? God, Tari had issues.
“Give me till tomorrow. Come by when you want to leave. I’m sure I can get shit set up by then,” Enya said, glancing around the house.
“Cool. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Tari said, walking back outside without another word and heading back to her car.
Enya watched through the kitchen window as Tari fired up her 1970 Monte Carlo and backed out of the dirt driveway. Breaking the tires loose and letting out a short squeal as she started her way back down the road.
There had to be more to this spontaneous trip. Yeah they had always someday planned on taking a road trip. But now…and with only a days notice. Enya couldn’t shake the feeling that it felt like they were running from something. She just didn’t know what.
***
Tari walked through her house grabbing things she thought she might need and stuffing them in her bags.
Money…check. Clothes…check. Bathroom shit…check. Phone, laptop, knife, gun, CDs…check, check, check, check and check.
She walked outside to where her car was backed into the driveway and threw her duffle bag and backpack into the trunk next to the spare tire and toolbox.
She shoved her hands in her pockets and sighed, staring at the car.
It seemed like forever since she had taken a road trip. And she’d never taken one as long as she was planning now.
She had stuff for the car, she had all her personal stuff, she had maps, money, some snacks and drinks stuffed in a cooler in the backseat, and some blankets and pillows on the floorboard.
She was ready. She just had to wait till tomorrow and go get Enya.
***
Tomorrow rolled around all too quick. For both of them.
Tari had spent the night tossing and turning in her sleep barely getting any rest at all. Enya had spent all night making sure everything was in order and packing everything she needed. Then she had set up and pondered why Tari was doing this.
Tari pulled into Enya’s driveway a little after noon. She normally liked starting her trips early in the morning, before dawn, but knew that Enya would never have agreed to that.
As the back end of her black car swung into Enya’s driveway, someone coming down the road caught a glimpse.
Tucker gunned his truck trying to catch up…he hadn’t talked to her in over a week. She hadn’t let him.
As she stood up and pulled her hoodie over her head she heard the engine approach behind her. Straightening the hood as it fell over her head she turned…and saw him.
“No,” she whispered.
She reached in her downed window and blared the horn, screaming for Enya to hurry the fuck up, the whole time staring into his blue eyes.
Oh, how she hated those blue eyes.
“Tari…” he started, climbing out of his truck and starting towards her.
“Shut up Tucker. Enya!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming…damn…” she stopped mid sentence, her step faltering as she came around the corner and saw Tucker there. “Tucker…hi…”
“Hey Enya…” he stopped too when he saw the bags in her hand.
Tari walked to the back of her car with a scowl on her face and opened the trunk letting Enya toss her stuff inside.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“What does it look like?” Tari clipped. “We’re leaving.”
“Leaving? Where?”
“I don’t know yet, wherever.”
“What? Tari what are you talking about?”
She was ignoring him as she watched Enya jog back to the house to grab something.
“Tari! Talk to me!”
“No!”
“Why? What the hell…”
“I can’t Tucker…why can’t you understand that?!”
“Can’t? What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” he asked walking towards her and grabbing her arm to make her look at him.
Enya stopped at the bottom step as he grabbed Tari and watched as she turned with inhuman speed and slammed her knife’s blade against his throat.
***
Chapter Two: I Feel the Waves Crash Down Inside & They Pull Me Under
He stared into her cold eyes and froze. He had never seen her eyes like that.
“I. Can’t. Get that through your skull. Now get off me,” she cut each word out slowly and with a voice that almost wasn’t her own.
He suppressed a shudder.
He released his grip from her arm but didn’t back away from the blade’s edge. She wouldn’t hurt him.
He hoped.
“Tari…” he said, his voice calmer. “Please…talk to me. You just…disappeared…I don’t know what happened. Call me stupid but I’m lost.”
Lost.
That word echoed in her head, refusing to be quieted. She felt lost. That was part of the reason she was leaving. She had to try to find herself again. She felt like she was just watching everything from inside a shell for the past few weeks. Time was passing and it felt like she was standing still.
Her blade stayed at his throat.
“Tucker…” she said slowly, willing her voice to stay steady. Her jaw clenched and she tilted her head slightly trying to find the words.
He watched as her eyes bored into his. He had never seen her look that way. Sure, she had always been the badass girl in the group, but she was also the girl you went to when you needed somewhere to turn, he had never seen anything less than compassion and love in those eyes. Seeing the coldness in them now scared him more than the blade that was still pressed against his Adam’s apple.
Her nostrils flared as she tried to control her breathing, forcing the stitch in her chest to retreat.
“Go. Home.”
“No.”
She growled. “I can’t do this, okay? I just…can’t.”
Damnit, why was it whenever he was around her brain turned to mush? She could never think straight around him.
“That’s not good enough for me,” he whispered.
“Not good enough for you? Newsflash…I don’t give a shit. I’m leaving…I have to get away from this crap.”
“Away from what?!” he said, his temper starting to flare once again.
“Away from you,” she spit out at him, finally removing her blade and quickly getting in the car, slamming the door.
Enya stood there for a split second. They were running from something…from Tucker. But why?
“Enya!”
She jumped, staring at Tucker for a second before climbing in the car.
Tari dug ruts in the dirt as she slammed the accelerator down and tore out of Enya’s driveway, heading towards the nearest interstate.
Tucker stood in the dust that she had kicked up and clenched his jaw. As he watched as her taillights turned the corner he climbed in his truck and started down the road.
***
She gunned her car up the onramp and slammed the pedal to the floor when she reached the top.
Enya had sat in the thick silence the whole trip from her house. Tari hadn’t said a word.
Enya glanced to the left eyeing Tari’s clenched jaw. She cleared her throat breaking the silence.
“Don’t,” Tari cut out.
“No Tari, I dropped everything to go on this Thelma and Louise road trip with you, with nothing but a days notice and then had to watch that little display of dominance on my front lawn with you and Tucker, now you’re going to tell me what the fuck this is all about or so help me god I’ll beat your ass myself.”
Tari couldn’t help but smirk. That was one of the reasons her and Enya were best friends. Neither of them put up with the other’s bullshit.
She sighed.
“You know how me and him kinda…hooked up.”
“Yea…”
“Well, I found out that he was still…kinda with his ex.”
“Wait…what? What do you mean…kinda?”
She breathed hard through her nose. This was gonna be a long ride.
“You know he was with her for almost five years. I understand that you can’t just walk away from something like that. But he came to me and said all that shit…and I believed him…every fucking word…I had no reason not too. And he had told me point blank that he wasn’t over her, and I knew they were still trying to be friends and shit. And that’s okay, I mean…I wasn’t thrilled, but that was his choice. But you know how he called me all the fucking time, like everyday, and for no reason at all, just to say hi. I mean, we seriously talked like two or three times a day. And he knew I wanted more. He knew I wanted a fucking relationship, not just the friends with benefits that we had. And he had told me he wasn’t ready. We had had that whole conversation. And I fucking understand that…I seriously do. But…” she ground her teeth.
“I went on Myspace the other day…went to his profile…kinda, snooped around his comments…she had left one for him…saying how she loved and missed him and apparently they were gonna hang out Saturday because ‘she just couldn’t wait till then.’ So…I went to her profile…and there was a comment from him…he fucking called her baby… ‘Hey baby, I love you…you should come over more often, love ya much!’ Bleh, bleh, bleh.
“I dunno, I snapped. I couldn’t deal with his shit after that. I couldn’t think of one effing word to say to him. I didn’t know how to act, what to say, how to deal with it. What ever the fuck ‘it’ was between us…so…I split…and here we are.”
Enya stared out the windshield. This was going to be a long ride.
***
Chapter Three: Or Am I Too Far Gone to Get Back Home?
Their first stop was Georgia. They went to Tari’s brother’s house. Stayed there for a week…then went a little father north and went and saw their old Auto Mechanics teacher from high school. He had moved north before their senior year but they had always kept in contact. The guy was practically a second father.
Next stop was Tennessee. Tari wanted to just get out in the wilderness for awhile. Then they swung over to Virginia and popped in on Enya’s dad. His attitude got to them though and they headed back west. Tari had a friend in Seattle. It was one hell of a drive, but that’s where they were headed.
They had stopped somewhere in Indiana for a rest. Getting a decent hotel room, but not a great one. Just a small mom and pop shop.
Tari was kicked back on the bed flipping through the wonderful ten channels the motel’s TV sported.
Enya was on the bed next to her reading a book.
Both were almost drifting to sleep when a knock pounded on the door.
They shot a look at each other.
Tari reached over and grabbed her pistol off the end table, snapping the safety off and silently walking over to the door, peering through the peephole.
She couldn’t breath.
Her eyes shot to the ground and darted across it. Thoughts racing through her head.
Enya whispered, “Who is it?”
Tari snapped back into consciousness and locked eyes with Enya. “Tucker.”
Enya dropped her book and stood up.
They were almost 1200 miles from home…and had made one hell of a crazy trip; how the hell had he found them?
Tari’s eyes glazed over and her jaw set. She opened the door in a flash and had the gun aimed at his forehead.
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Tari relax!” he threw his hands up startled. “It’s me!”
“I know damn well who it is,” she growled.
“Can you lower the gun…please?”
“No.”
Uh oh.
“Umm…can we talk?”
“No.”
Shit.
“Tari…”
“Go home Tucker, before you do something stupid.”
“Do something stupid? You’re the one with a pistol aimed at my head.”
Wrong thing to say.
She took a step closer and ground the barrel into his forehead.
“Why…are…you…here?” she grated out slowly.
“I want to talk to you. I don’t know what happened but I want to figure it the hell out.”
“Nothing happened. Now go home.”
“No.”
The barrel was pressed harder into his skin and he bit back a hiss of pain.
“I’m not going anywhere Tari. I just followed your ass all over the southeast. I want to talk to you. I don’t know what went wrong, but apparently I did something to piss you off and I want to know what, I want to fix it.”
She breathed hard through her nose and took a step back slamming the door in his face and viciously putting the chain on the door.
“Tari! What are you doing, why don’t you just talk to him?!” Enya asked her.
“I can’t!” She yelled. “When he’s around I can’t think, I don’t know how to act, what to say. That boy fucks with my brain and I can’t handle it! I don’t know how to feel anymore…everything’s…dead. I…” she faltered, willing that cold stone of a face back in place.
“I can’t talk to him. I can’t handle it Enya. I’m so close to that edge I can feel the gravel giving way beneath my feet. I…I’m so close to breaking I can feel the cracks…I can't…handle…it.”
Enya stood speechless. She had spent the last couple weeks watching Tari toss and turn in her sleep. Clutching her stuffed animal to her chest and curling up in the fetal position. She had watched every night as Tari mumbled and cried in her sleep. More than once she had heard his name come from her lips. Finally everything was starting to make sense.
***
Tucker stood outside in the cold. He wasn’t leaving. He didn’t know what to do or how to do it, but he wasn’t leaving.
He strained to hear what was being said behind the hotel room door. Only picking up bits and pieces. He sighed, watching as his breath formed a small cloud in the air before tightening his jacket and hopping up into the bed of his truck.
***
Tari rolled over in bed about five a.m. Yet another night of not getting much sleep. She wondered how she kept going every day.
She got up silently and shrugged on her jacket, walking over to the front door, caution made her check the peephole before opening it. She was glad she had.
Tucker’s truck still sat parked next to her car.
She growled.
She walked outside quietly, making sure not to wake Enya as she left. She didn’t know what had made her walk outside but as she walked to the back of her car she saw him huddled in the bed of his truck, curled up in a ball shivering in the pre-dawn cold.
She almost laughed before turning to go back into the hotel.
“Enya,” she whispered, shaking her shoulder. “Enya…”
“Hmm…wha’…” she blinked sleepily. “Tari? What time is it?”
“’Bout five-thirty.”
“And you woke me up?” she asked sarcastically. But she saw something in Tari’s eyes and didn’t make another smart ass comment. “What is it?”
“We’re leaving…now.”
“Tari?”
“Don’t ask…just get ready…quick.”
Oh, she was going to hear about this. Tari had bitched about not being able to put words to her feelings but she fucking well better once they hit the road, Enya was getting sick of this shit.
Enya finished packing her one bag and followed Tari outside. She stopped at the doorstep when she saw his truck.
“I need you to push the car.”
“What?”
“Don’t ask, just push okay?”
Enya clenched her jaw. “Fine.”
She pushed the car as Tari steered, maneuvering the black beast down the parking lot silently. When they reached the exit she pushed on the brakes and motioned for Enya to come get in.
She stared in her rearview mirror and turned the ignition. The big bock fired up obediently and for the first time in her life she cursed the car’s deep throated rumble.
She sat for a minute just staring at the bed of his truck, not seeing any movement. Content that they would get away she put the car in gear.
***
Tucker shivered in the cold. His mind fighting off the fog of sleep and his senses starting to come back to him. He rolled over on the hard bed liner of the truck and froze. He knew that sound. He fought away the rest of the haze in his mind and focused on the drone.
Finally it clicked. Tari’s car.
He sat up quickly and squinted his eyes trying to focus on the black back end of the Monte Carlo as it pulled out of the hotel parking lot.
God damnit.
He quick threw off his blanket and climbed out of the bed of his truck. Stretching quickly and trying to pop a few joints he groaned as he climbed back into the cab and fired up his tired old pickup, it protested against the cold weather but chugged faithfully as he backed up and went to follow Tari.
***
Chapter Four: How Did I Get Here & What Went Wrong?
“Ok…I don’t care how hard it is you better well fucking tell me what’s going on. That boy followed you god knows how many miles and you won’t even fucking talk to him so what the hell is happening?”
“You’re just being bitchy ‘cause it’s so early,” Tari smarted off.
“Damnit Tari! Shut the fuck up! I swear to god!”
“I told you…I don’t know what to say.”
“So figure it the fuck out!”
She sighed. Easier said than done.
“I love him.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“I love him. And, he…he still loves her. So…I left. I don’t know Enya, and trust me that’s pissing me off more than it is you. I just…when it comes to him I don’t know how to handle myself anymore. I don’t know what to feel. After all that shit he said, after everything we went through…it’s like, even after all this time at least some part of him wants her. And I tried to ignore that for a long time and something snapped in my head that day…and I just…I don’t know anymore. I never wanted to lose him…I just don’t know what to do. I had to walk away…I just…couldn’t deal with it.”
“You need to give him a chance.”
“I gave him a lot of chances Enya…and I thought he was taking them…and then I’d get on Myspace and see some sappy comment he left her. I ignored a lot before I ever reacted.”
“So why won’t you talk to him…you never know what he might say.”
“I just can’t. I can barely form a thought when I’m around him…let alone actual words. I don’t know what to say. Hell, I'm not even sure I know what the real problem is.”
“You love him…you’re under the impression he still loves her…you want him…you’re under the impression he wants her. You’re hurt. Simple as that.”
“No its not.”
Enya shook her head. “I love ya to death Tari, you know that…but you got a way of complicating things.”
“That’s the Lyman family way haven’t you heard?” she joked. “We overanalyze everything.”
Enya laughed.
***
Almost a week later they finally passed the Seattle city limits sign.
Enya stretched in the cool morning mist as they parked at a rest stop and got out.
Tari zipped up her leather jacket and headed towards the bathrooms…and hot coffee machine.
Enya had tried to get Tari to talk more about what was plaguing her. She hadn’t said much else. Just the same things over and over again. She knew she was confused…and hurt. And it never failed, every night she heard her crying in her sleep.
“What the hell did you do Tucker?” she whispered to herself as she watched Tari walking back with a steaming cup of coffee. She reached into her jacket pocket and brought out a small flask, pouring some of the liquid into the Styrofoam mug and swirling it to mix it in.
She shook her head as she too headed to the bathrooms.
Tari was leaning against the fender of her car when Enya came back out. Enya walked over and leaned next to her
“You got directions to your buddy’s house?”
Tari nodded. “They’re in the glove box.”
“Cool.”
Tari watched as the semis and cars went whizzing by on the interstate. She almost choked on the still steaming coffee as she thought she saw a glimpse of a familiar truck…finally deciding it was just her eyes playing tricks she turned to Enya and said “Let’s get going.”
Enya had seen her little pause in time, but said nothing.
***
The black car pulled into the sloped cement driveway.
Alana put down the magazine she had been reading and muted the TV. Getting up and walking over to the windows, she pulled the curtain back.
She stared in confusion for a minute before it clicked in her head. She knew that car. Her friend Tari had sent her pictures of it a long time ago.
She smiled. The bitch had said she was going to come visit.
She opened the door feigning anger.
“Tari you lil bitch…thanks for calling!”
“Shut up Alana,” Tari smiled, walking up the front step and pulling her into a hug. “Alana this is Enya.”
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
“Come on in, I’m sure you’ve had a long drive.”
Tari chuckled. She had no idea.
***
Chapter Five: Someone Save Me if You Will
The next morning they all sat around the kitchen table sipping coffee.
“He followed you…I still can’t get over that.”
Tari groaned. “Not you too.”
“What?”
“I think she should talk to him,” Enya stated flatly, shooting a look at Tari.
“How many times have I told you? It’s not that easy!”
“I know, I know!” Enya said, throwing up her hands in surrender.
Alana glanced between the two younger girls. She had about ten years on them.
“You should you know,” she said, sipping her coffee, and looking knowingly at Tari over the rim.
She groaned.
***
After a day of seeing all of Seattle’s sights and spending a very long time at the beach, where Tari just watched the waves while Alana and Enya swam, they finally headed back to Alana’s house.
Tari curled up on the couch clutching her stuffed animal and was asleep by the time Enya and Alana got out of their showers.
She was curled up in a ball on her side and kept mumbling things in her sleep.
Alana was drying her hair with a towel as she walked down the hallway, stopping when she heard Tari.
“Tari?”
“Don’t bother,” Enya said, walking up behind her with a towel around her head and walking to the kitchen. “She does that every time she sleeps.”
Alana walked around to the front of the couch and crouched down trying to figure out what Tari kept mumbling.
“It looks like she’s crying,” she whispered.
“She is,” Enya said, breezing back into the living room and sitting at the end of the couch by Tari’s feet with a cup of yogurt in her hand.
Tari clutched her stuffed animal tighter and buried her face in its fur, still mumbling when she felt the slight movement next to her.
“What’s with the…dog?” Alana asked, waving her hand towards the stuffed animal.
“I don’t know really. She’s had it since she was a kid. She says it helps her sleep. I thought she was just being pathetic at first…but I think she’s serious. I took it away from her one night, just to see what would happen.”
“And?”
“And take the mumbling and crying and tossing and turning right now…and multiply it…by like…five.”
“Wow.”
“Yea.”
“Does she ever say anything you can understand?” Alana asked, pulling over the ottoman and sitting in front of Tari, brushing a few stray hairs away from Tari’s forehead.
“She talks about him…all the time.”
“Tucker?”
“Yea. She never says anything I can really understand, just…his name. And that she loves him…and can’t handle it.”
Alana stared at Tari’s sad face. She looked so heartbroken, and like she hadn’t slept in weeks…although she knew that wasn’t the case.
Alana sighed. “What should we do?”
“There’s nothing we can do. Unfortunately. Trust me, I’ve tried.”
Tari whimpered loudly and rolled over onto her back, never relinquishing her death grip on her stuffed dog.
She then reached up and rubbed her eyes before cracking one open to see Alana and Enya watching her protectively.
“What?”
“You were…talking…in your sleep.”
Tari stared at Alana…she could have guessed that much.
“Did I say something you shouldn’t have heard?” she asked sarcastically.
Enya and Alana both laughed.
“No…you didn’t say anything that I could even understand,” Alana said, “’Cept his name.”
Tari sat up on the couch and ran a hand through her hair. Get ready for the Spanish Inquisition.
“Tari you can’t keep going on like this.”
“I can do whatever I want,” she mumbled bracing her hands on the sofa cushion pushing herself to stand.
Alana’s frighteningly strong hand snaked out, grabbing her shoulder and pushing her back into the soft cushions.
“Sit the fuck down.”
Oh no.
“You might not like it but I’m not having you mope around my house while you’re here. It’s obvious you aren’t getting enough rest and now I know why. Now I know he hurt you and I know you’re confused but you know what? That’s life. So you’re gonna sit your pretty little ass here until we can come to some kinda conclusion about this before I have to beat that previously mentioned ass. You hear me?”
Tari glared at Alana.
“I’m serious Tari,” she said slowly, in a tone that let Tari know for sure there was no joking involved.
She sighed.
“Well I don’t know what to tell you,” she said in a small voice, one almost not her own.
“Figure it out.”
“Now you sound like Enya,” she forced a laugh, hoping to either lighten the mood or change the subject.
Enya just smiled.
“Well that’s ‘cause great minds think alike,” Alana sarcastically shot back.
Tari sighed again, hanging her head into her hands and lacing her fingers through her dark hair, messing it up even more than it was from her recent nap.
She mumbled while her head still hung low. “I don’t know Alana. I love him. I can’t stop. No matter how much I want to hate him…he just…makes me love him more. I just…” she choked.
“You know about me and him,” she said, dropping her hands and raising her head to stare at some distant spot only she could see.
“You know…he was my first. And as much as people have told me…and as much as I almost feel like I should…I don’t regret it. I’m glad it was him. But I knew the relationship thing was a shot in the dark. I knew it probably would never happen. But I just, I just felt like somehow I knew I would never lose him. No matter what happened I knew he would always be there, as a friend if nothing else.”
Alana and Enya both sat in silence, knowing if she didn’t try to get this all out now, she may never be able to again.
“And I don’t honestly know what made me snap. I saw that damn comment on Myspace and it was like something hit me upside of the head. I dunno. I knew they were still trying to be friends. I knew she was a bitch but I understood his side of it too. He was with her for five fucking years. You don’t just walk away from something like that. It’s just…damnit!”
She hung her head back into her hands and growled.
Alana had the feeling there was more to go; she gently laid her hand on Tari’s knee. “We can talk about how to kill her later, finish what you were saying,” she said jokingly.
Tari raised her head and gave her a smirk.
That’s my girl. Alana thought, at least she could still give that smartass look.
“We had been talking like…everyday…two or three times a day. He was calling me randomly, to say hi or whatever, before he went to school, before he went to bed all that shit. He was calling me babe and hun and sayin’ ‘love ya,’ and I know none of that probably means shit but I’m pathetic and tend to latch on to shit like that.”
Oh yea, she was rambling now, that was a good sign. Tari had a bad habit of rambling.
Alana’s mouth twitched as she suppressed the grin that wanted to break out over her face.
“I dunno,” she sighed. “I just…I saw that damn comment…‘Love ya baby! You should come over’ bleh bleh bleh. I just…I threw my hands up. I've been down that road too many times. Get all excited ‘bout a guy then get sucker punched. I didn’t want to do it again.”
“So you ran?”
Tari nodded. “Yea…I guess I did,” she mumbled softly, staring at the ground. “I was…lost…I didn’t know what else to do.”
Alana and Enya met eyes for a second as an almost tense silence fell over the room like a tangible thick fog.
Tari was surprisingly the one who broke it.
“I’m going to go lay down,” she said calmly.
There was something in her voice that made Enya pause. Something didn’t…feel right. But Tari offered them and small smile and reassured Alana when she had questioned her so she watched as Tari walked down the hallway, stuffed dog hanging limply from her hand and into the guest bedroom.
Alana sighed and looked at Enya again.
“I for one congratulate you,” Enya laughed.
“Why?” Alana asked with a smirk.
“That’s more than I’ve gotten out of her this entire trip.”
They both couldn’t help but laugh.
“Yea well…I actually think the trip helped. I mean…she’s still confused. But before you guys came. I don’t know…she just sounded so…lost. To use her word.”
“Yea I know,” Enya mumbled, looking back down the hallway.
***
Chapter Six: Save Me Mister Stranger, if You Please
Enya and Alana both screamed as something jumped across the TV screen. They had had a scary movie-a-thon after Tari had called it a day.
They both laughed at each other, knowing they were acting like kids. They had just started to eat their ice cream again when a loud knock pounded on the door. This time they did jump for real.
“Who the hell’s that?” Alana mumbled getting up to go get the door.
She looked through the peephole at the young man standing awkwardly. He had his hands shoved in his jeans pockets and was biting his lip. He turned to look over his shoulder as if to reconfirm something and then turned back around. He looked at the door for a second as if it would somehow tell him something and then raised his fist to knock again.
Alana opened the door.
“Can I help you?”
“Hi,” he said nervously. Looking at his still raised hand, he lowered it slowly and shoved it back into his pocket.
Alana stifled a laugh.
“Umm…yea, I umm…I saw the car…” he said, turning around and pointing with his thumb. “Is umm…is Tari here?”
Alana’s eyebrow arched. Her cool green eyes slowly traveled from head to foot down his form. Leather jacket, black t-shirt, jeans, boots. She looked behind him to see an old black pickup.
Her eyes met his again. “Tucker?”
It wasn’t really a question, she already knew the answer.
His mouth cracked into a strange half-smile, “Yea,” he nodded nervously.
“Come sit down.”
Tucker stepped past Alana and into the house slowly. Enya saw him the moment he came in from the foyer.
“Oh hell no…”
“Nice to see you too Enya,” he joked.
“Tucker…how the hell did you get here?”
“Same way you did. Drove.”
“You followed us the entire way here?”
“Looks like it,” Alana shot, walking past him to sit in the chair next to the couch. “Sit. Please,” she said, motioning to the couch.
He looked at Enya and carefully sat down before glancing around the house.
“Is Tari…”
“She’s here,” Alana spat out. “Barely.”
“What?” His brow furrowed.
She leaned forward in the chair, resting her elbows on her knees and lacing her fingers together.
“You hurt her.”
He almost looked taken aback. But it was more just a look of understanding than surprise. He had known that. That’s why he had followed her some 3200 odd miles. He wanted to get things straightened out.
“Look I know…”
“You don’t know shit you lil slime ball…”
“Alana!” Enya reacted. She knew she was upset, hell, they all were, but she also knew Tucker, and despite what was going on he wasn’t a slime ball.
Alana looked at Enya and then back at Tucker. “Sorry,” she mumbled. “Tari likes you. That obviously means something. But I can’t ignore the fact that you hurt her.”
He nodded.
“She hasn’t had a decent nights rest on this entire trip. Ask Enya. I had the wonderful chance to witness it today. She laid on that couch that you’re sitting on and proceeded to toss and turn and talk in her sleep, and she fucking cried, which I for one didn’t even know was possible to do while you were sleeping. And the entire time, all she seemed to say was your name.”
Tucker glanced at the couch as if it would confirm her statement and then met Alana’s eyes again.
“She’s lost, confused. You…led her on…”
He lifted his finger to interrupt her.
“Shut it. I’ll let you talk, don’t worry, but let me finish first. She fell for you whether you like it or not. And I know about the relationship you just got out of. And I understand, trust me I do, I just got back from watching the first love of my life get married, but I’ll tell you what boy, she fell hard for you. And she can’t change that. She’s tearing herself up about it because she doesn’t want to lose you but doesn’t want to stay just friends either.”
Tucker stayed silent for a second to make sure Alana was finished.
“I know. We…we talked about all that. I do like her, I’m just, I’m not in a place yet where I’m ready for another girlfriend. I never meant to hurt her. And honestly, I don’t care if you believe me or not. All I give a shit about right now is her. I didn’t follow her over 3000 miles just ‘cause I wanted a fuck or some dumb shit. I did this because…I care about her. And I understand what you’re saying. But honestly, I want to talk to her. I’m not exactly sure I know what happened and I need to figure it out. I don’t want to lose her either.”
Enya piped up. “Are you trying to get back with Lacy?”
He turned and looked at her utterly confused. “What? No. What the hell gave you that idea?”
Enya arched her eyebrow. Tari being the obvious answer.
“What?” he asked still confused. “Lacy ended it with me. She made it clear it was over…for good. I was never trying to get back with her…I just…I don’t know…I was trying to stay friends with her…we had both kinda wanted that.”
“Well she didn’t know that,” Alana said quietly.
Tucker turned again to face her. Realization dawning on him and understanding washing across his face.
His eyes went to the ground and darted back and forth as if reading words of wisdom that were written in the carpet.
His gaze never left the ground.
“Where is she?” he asked quietly.
“Down the hall, second door to the left.”
He nodded and sat quietly for a moment. He finally sighed deep, rubbed his palms on the knees of is jeans and looked at both Alana and Enya before standing and heading down the hall.
***
Chapter Seven: Couldn’t Handle Forgiveness, Now I’m Far Beyond Gone
He gently rapped on the partly closed door. When there was no answer he slowly pushed it open with his knuckle, craning his head to see around the intrusion.
She was curled up on her side, stuffed animal clutched to her chest with one hand, the other holding the pillow under her head. She had the sheets kicked to hell and tangled in a mess, none of them actually covering her.
He laughed quietly and shook his head. She always looked so cute when she slept. But even at this distance he could see what Alana and Enya had been talking about. She looked like she hadn’t slept in ages; dark circles under her eyes standing out even in the low light. Her hair was pulled back and she looked paler than he remembered.
His faced quickly turned serious as he slowly walked over to the bedside. He crouched down, sitting on his heels and watched her as she slept.
She shifted her legs and mumbled his name in distress.
His brow furrowed and a frown crossed his face. He reached out and brushed a strand of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear.
“I’m here babe,” he whispered.
He shrugged off his jacket and tossed it on the chair in the corner, he slowly and carefully climbed in the bed next to her, not even bothering with the sheets that she had destroyed.
His hand rested on her cheek and her breathing seemed to calm a little bit.
Concern etched itself across his face.
“What did I do to you?”
She mumbled something again; his eyes tried to read her face, but he couldn’t understand the language written there.
He leaned his forehead against hers and wrapped his thick arms around her small form. God, she felt skinnier than he remembered.
She felt…calm. Her unconscious was reeling with the feeling that she didn’t have to protect herself. Despite the sudden change, her body was receiving the signals from her brain that she was safe and was slowly coming down off of its endless adrenaline high and started to slow and relax.
He held her as she started to calm. The stuffed animal was still smushed between the two of them but she was rubbing her face in his chest and she sighed deeply, her fingers closing tightly around handfuls of his t-shirt.
He couldn’t help but smile.
Her brain although comprehending the feeling of ‘safe’, started throwing out signals of ‘not normal.’ Her eyes darted slowly underneath her eyelids and foggy thoughts started to filter into her mind.
Tucker. Enya and the road trip. Tucker following them. The little heart to heart with Alana. Tucker saying he was here.
She mentally shook herself. Tucker hadn’t said that last time she had seen him. She sighed in confusion in her sleep.
Slowly she was regaining consciousness and forcing the haze of sleep away. She sighed again and smelled his pure masculine musk that she had loved so much. No, Tari…it’s just your imagination, it’s just been too much. She felt the sheets tangled around her ankles, but somehow she was still being kept warm. She felt small puffs of air falling on her nose and washing across her cheeks. She turned her head to escape the annoying repetitive feeling.
It didn’t stop, just…moved.
Wait…something moved.
She cracked open a weary eye and saw an expanse of black. Then she noticed the thick arm wrapped snuggly around her.
Her gaze slowly went upwards, wishing and praying to whatever god there was that this was just a nightmare. Just another nightmare.
“Hey hun, hope I didn’t wake you,” his voice sounded rough like gravel, husky, from his effort to whisper.
Her grey eyes hit the blue pools of his own and her breath froze in her chest. She felt cold. So cold.
“No…” she hissed, shaking her head frantically, her small hands still clutching his shirt flattened against his chest and pushed back, his own arms preventing much of a retreat.
“Tari?” he asked, his brow knit with confusion. “Tari relax it’s me.”
“No,” she said. It was barely more than air escaping her lungs. Air that for some reason he couldn’t inhale and replace. Why was it so cold?
He watched as her face blanched. She was shaking and struggling for breath. It wasn’t until then that he noticed the small beads of sweat forming at her hairline.
“Tari? You need to calm down babe!” his own fear growing rapidly.
“No,” she whispered one last time, her eyes rolling up into her head as her body pushed with what little effort was left and broke his grasp as she rolled off the other side of the bed and fell to the floor with the dull and sickening thud of dead weight.
“Tari!”
***
Chapter Eight: I Don’t Care How You do it, Just Save Me
Alana’s shoulder collided with the door frame as both she and Enya slid to a halt.
Tucker was picking Tari up off the floor.
“What the hell happened?!”
“I don’t fucking know! Call a fucking ambulance!”
Enya turned and raced back towards the living room. Alana headed for the bathroom, snatching a small hand towel off the rack and ignoring the larger one that landed on the floor. She quick ran some water and headed back towards the bed where Tucker had laid Tari down.
“Come on Tari…” he whispered, his voice strained.
Alana sat down next to Tari’s head and placed the washcloth over her forehead.
Tucker had a white knuckled grip around one of Tari’s hands.
Alana glanced at his face to see tears streaming down his cheeks.
Not heart wrenching sobs, not the ones where you can’t breathe, no, these were silent tears. The kind you try so hard to hold back but can’t. The kind that don’t have you gasping for breath. The kind that just continue till fall until you no longer remember they’re even there.
Her brow furrowed. She didn’t know what happened exactly. And she wasn’t sure he would be able to fix it, but one thing she was certain of…he cared for her.
Enya appeared back at the door, a hand covering her mouth as she struggled for breath between sobs, as the sounds of sirens started to wail in the distance.
***
The slow and steady hum of the oxygen machine droned on in the small room. The constant hiss and pop of the IV pumping meds into her frail arm had lulled him to sleep.
His fingers lay twined with hers on the cold white sheet. His head lolled to one side next to them.
Enya and Alana walked in carrying three cups of coffee. They both offered small smiles to each other when they saw Tucker. He had refused to leave Tari’s side. Originally the nurses had refused to let any of them inside, because they weren’t family. One of the nurses though, thank god, had seen just how bad the whole situation distressed Tucker and had let the friends in.
Alana carefully took the seat next to him and rubbed his back.
“Tucker? Tucker hun…wake up.”
He startled awake, no where near the easy stirring she had been aiming for.
“Huh? Wha? The doctor? What is it?”
Enya couldn’t help but smile. “It’s nothing sweetie, here,” she said, offering him the coffee.
He smiled. “Thanks.”
“You know it’s getting late,” Alana offered. “Visiting hours are about to end. Why don’t we all head home. We’ll come back first thing in the morning.”
Tuckers eyes stayed on Tari. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She wasn’t supposed to be lying in a hospital bed, wasn’t supposed to have an oxygen tube wrapped around her face, forcing puffs of air into her system, wasn’t supposed to have a plastic tube running into her arm pumping her full of the nutrients that her body was lacking.
That’s what the doctor said. She had been ‘dangerously malnourished.’ The second he had said it Enya had broken down in tears. Blaming herself for not realizing that Tari wasn’t eating right during the trip.
Tucker had refused to let her believe that. He hadn’t said it, but if it was anyone’s fault, it was his. It was his fault she laid here before him. In this cold hospital room.
“No,” he whispered. “I wanna stay here.”
“Honey, I know you do, but I don’t think the nurses will let you.”
“I don’t care.”
“Tucker…”
“I’m staying. I don’t care what I have to do to do it.”
Alana bit her lip and nodded; she stood up taking Enya by the elbow and walked back out into the hallway and towards the nurses’ station, hoping she could talk them into it.
Tucker’s hand stayed entwined with Tari’s. He slowly put the still untouched Styrofoam coffee mug on the rollaway table and slowly climbed into Tari’s bed with her.
She mumbled something quietly and he froze, one knee on the mattress.
She shifted slightly on her side and her hand closed a little tighter around his.
His face broke out into a pained smile. Like a smile you have when a dying relative tells a joke. It’s a real smile, but one you really don’t feel. One that never reaches your red, puffy eyes.
He squeezed her hand back and curled up next to her.
By the time the nurse returned with Alana and Enya in tow, he had already fallen asleep next to her. He held her hand in his between their faces and had his free arm wrapped around her slim middle.
The nurse quietly walked over to the machines monitoring Tari and checked a few things.
“Well,” she whispered, returning to Alana and Enya’s side. “If I’m reading the machines right, she’s actually better with him there. Her heart rate has slowed a little, which is good, and her blood pressure is down. Which is very good.”
Alana and Enya shot a knowing look between each other.
“Can he stay?” Alana whispered.
The nurse looked skeptical. But pursed her lips and nodded quickly before walking away.
Her white shoes stopped a few feet from the door and she turned back to the girls. “But no one gave him permission,” she winked.
Alana and Enya nodded with smiles. “Yes ma’am.”
***
Chapter Nine: Just Give Me Faith, Make Me Believe
The sun shone through the cracks in the vertical blinds. They rustled with the quiet movement of the nurse as she left the room. The light danced in between the slats and fell across his face.
He turned his head from the dancing light, but it wouldn’t stop. He groaned and tried to roll onto his side before he stopped, feeling a hand on his stomach. He opened a sleep dusted eye and tried to focus his weary vision on what was pinning him in place.
It all came rushing back to him so quickly he thought he might be sick.
But there before him lay Tari, curled up on her side, but at least not mumbling now, and she had a hand resting on his stomach, her head lying perfectly in the niche between his arm and his chest.
He sighed and swallowed hard. He watched her as she slept. She was regaining her color and looked much stronger than when she had been admitted. He reached over carefully and brushed some hair out of her face. He laid there staring when the doctor came in.
“Oh, she’s still sleeping,” he whispered.
Tucker nodded.
“That’s quite alright. I’ll just leave these papers on the table for her to sign when she wakes up. As long as she feels up to it she can leave tomorrow.”
“She’s okay?” he asked, his voice still scratchy from sleep.
“She’ll be just fine,” the doctor said with a smile, jotting some things down on a clipboard.
“You must be the young man the nurses told me about.”
Tucker froze like a deer in the headlights of a semi. He knew it was against hospital policy for someone, especially someone that wasn’t family, to stay over night, let alone in the patient’s bed.
“Relax,” the doctor chuckled. “Even I can’t dispute the fact that she seems calmer with you here,” he said with a sparkle in his eye. “Just make sure she starts eating and sleeping properly.”
Tucker nodded again. “Yes sir.”
“Let her know if she has any questions don’t hesitate to ask the nurses for me,” he said before leaving the room.
Tucker slowly and carefully slid himself up into more of a sitting position. Tari fidgeted a little and he froze until she quieted down again before he finished moving.
He thought he must have sat there for hours like that. Staring down at her while she slept. His hand running slowly up and down her back.
Finally she turned and nuzzled into his chest and breathed deep.
“Tuck?” she whispered.
He smiled. She was the only one that he ever let call him Tuck. Originally she had done it just to piss him off. Now he realized how much he loved it.
“Yea babe…it’s me.” His heart rate sped up a little bit, fear flooding his mind; hoping this wouldn’t be a repeat of last time she woke up in his arms.
“Relax,” she said with a weary smile. “I’m not gonna freak out this time,” she said sitting up next to him and running her hand through her hair.
He smiled. “You remember what happened?”
She nodded. “It’s all…foggy…but I get the idea,” she said with a shameful smile.
He nodded too. What do you say in a moment like this?
“Tari…”
“Shut up Tuck.”
He couldn’t help the slight grin that broke out over his face at the use of his nickname again.
“I freaked, it wasn’t your fault. You know I’m psycho,” she laughed.
“True,” he smiled. “But that’s why I love you.”
She looked at him for a split second before her gaze returned to her hands where she fiddled with the string on her hospital gown.
“Tucker…seriously...”
“I know Tari. That’s why I’m here. I knew something was wrong. I wanted to figure it out. Hopefully me coming this far to straighten it out means something.”
She looked at him again with misted eyes. “It does,” she whispered.
“I’m not with Lacy. And I’m not trying to get back with her.”
She stared.
“Alana and Enya told me what you said. You gotta understand babe…she was my life for five years. That’s the way I was with her. That’s the way I talked. I wasn’t used to the whole friends bit yet.”
She nodded, still playing with the string.
Damnit. This wasn’t coming out the way he had wanted it to sound.
He reached over, his large hands engulfing her own, stilling her movements. He shifted in the bed and leaned his forehead against hers. Her eyes still cast downwards.
She couldn’t look into his eyes right then. She was too close to breaking as it was.
“Tari,” he whispered softer. “I know what it looked like. But that’s not the case…I promise you. I’m not getting back with her. That was a chapter in my life. I need to write the next one now. I’m sorry hun…so goddamned sorry,” he paused, his voice breaking against his will. As his eyes focused on the blurring pattern on her gown her own eyes shot to his face.
“I never meant to hurt you,” his voice betrayed him, faltering.
“I know,” she whispered, her own voice strained.
Their eyes met.
“You're the one person I trust completely. No matter what happens you are the only person I know would never hurt me. The only person I know without a doubt truly loves me,” he breathed deep. “You’re my anchor,” he said with a forced smile.
A lone tear slipped down his cheek.
Her small hand reached up and cradled his cheek. The pad of her thumb brushing the small drop away.
He sniffed. “Every time I needed to turn somewhere you were the only person I could think of.”
Her brow furrowed.
“Every time I thought I was just going to snap…all I could think about what how you could hold me together.”
“Oh god…” she whispered, snatching her hands from his and covering her face.
“Tari?”
He heard muffled curses and smiled.
“You needed me and I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit…I wasn’t there for you,” she whispered.
“Hey, don’t do that…don’t do that to yourself. I don’t blame you babe…I’d never blame you,” he said, reaching up to pry her hands from her face.
She choked back a sob. “I always loved you. I should have been there.”
“You were,” he said simply.
She swallowed hard.
“I haven’t been with anyone since you,” he whispered.
She looked up surprised.
He shrugged. “I couldn’t,” he said with a smile. “Even the girls I thought I could do something with…I just…I couldn’t stop thinking of you. It ever got beyond kissing,” he paused. “I was trying so hard to get my heart back from her that I didn’t realize I had already given it to you.”
She didn’t know what to say to that.
“Look Tari. I'm still not ready. I’m not there yet. I'm not ready for another relationship.”
She nodded, her gaze downcast.
“But when I am…I wanna try…with you.”
He eyes snapped up to see the grin on his face.
“I told you I liked you,” he smiled. As if that would explain everything.
“I wanna try with you Tari. But you don’t deserve any less than everything. And I don’t have that to give right now. I want to give you everything. Just…don’t give up on me.”
She smiled despite herself. “I’d never give up on you,” she whispered, leaning forward to meet foreheads.
He smiled too and leaned into a soft kiss.
“We okay?”
She nodded.
“Good.”
She laughed.
“The doc says you need to eat.”
She blushed.
He laughed and pulled her into a hug. Her head still resting on his chest for a second when they released.
“He laid some papers over there for you to sign. Said you can leave tomorrow.”
“Thank god,” she laughed.
Right then Alana and Enya came walking in.
“Well look who finally decided to get her ass outta bed,” Alana winked.
“Hey bitch,” Tari shot right back.
“Oh thank the lord! We got our smartass back!” Enya said sarcastically.
Tari just shook her head while Tucker chuckled behind her.
“Look what I brought,” Enya said with a smile, holding out Tari’s stuffed dog.
“Dakota,” she smiled, reaching out and taking it, clutching it to her chest.
Tucker smiled.
“The nurse caught us in the hall,” Alana said. “Looks like you're coming home tomorrow huh?”
Tari nodded with a smile.
“Look…I’m sorry guys…for everything…”
“Just shut up right there,” Enya said with a smile. “We’re your friends…if we didn’t put up with your bullshit, who would?” she winked.
Tucker’s hand reached out and rubbed the small of her back.
She smiled over her shoulder.
He cleared his throat.
“I’m umm…gonna go grab something to eat,” he said, standing from the bed and stretching. “You want anything babe?” he asked Tari.
She shook her head and he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek before walking out the door and towards the elevators.
Alana arched an eyebrow when he had disappeared. “Oh really?”
Tari laughed. “We’re okay. We still need to talk I think…but we’re good.”
“I know,” she smiled.
Tari clutched her dog tighter, chin resting on its fur and stared at the ground, grinning from ear to ear.