tired

[locomiel]

I am so fucking tired. The past twelve years have just been a nonstop shit fuck. And I'm so tired of fighting endlessly for a losing battle. Because that's what all of this is. It's going nowhere and I just wish it would stop. Trust me, I get that I fucked things up horribly on every front of my life. But I really thought there was something, at

Comments

[3335]

hi, so despite reading your journal for a while, i don't really know you. in fact, there was a time i skipped lj for a few months and to be honest, i don't know about the actual background of your illness.

but the tone of your entries really touches me. there is an intensity and melancholy. a dialectic that is actually rather inspiring, by exposing a profound truth: that we are the strongest when we have the courage to admit our weaknesses. that while we may be drained, it is because we are pushing ourselves to the envelope of who really are.

[locomiel]

I think I forgot that anyone may still read what I write. Most of the time I just take that for granted, and essentially feel like I'm talking to myself. And think it is in that, that the honesty lies. Because there is a point you get to where lying to yourself is moot, and where it may not so much a desire to be honest with everyone else, but mostly yourself. So, the question remains: if you genuinely believe the lies you tell yourself, are you truly lying to everyone else? Because you believe it, it's only in those lies that allow you to actually function on even the most simple level. But then you come clean with yourself, and the house of cards you've so meticulously arranged suddenly comes crashing down. And you find yourself in the rubble, somewhere. But everything is now a big scattered chaotic mess that bears no resemblance to what you had before, even if it was all just a carefully planned illusion. And I don't know if there's enough undamaged parts left to build something new