ST XI review gone bad due to beer.
I wanted to celebrate Star Trek, the latest movie, coming out on DVD. I wanted to write a thorough and well-structured review.
Instead, as you can imagine, I got drunk and created a monster. Drunk Movie In Then Minutes.
If you haven't seen the movie, and plan to, don't read this.
If you haven't seen the movie, and don't plan to, enjoy.
Ok, Nero is a particularly troubled Romulan.
He witnessed Supernova destroying Romulus.
Spock was supposed to shoot red matter into the Supernova but didn't make it in time. Furthermore, shit hit the fan and instead of creating a tiny black hole, the red matter + supernova created a tunnel through space-time, so they both ended up traveling in time.
Nero went back 152 years and Spock went back 127 years.
So when Nero appeared, he BLEW USS Kelvin THE FUCK UP, killed Kirk's dad and went on missing for 25 years. Then he captured Spock Prime (the old one who went through time).
Scenes establishing the characters now, let me tell you them.
So, we were shown this cornfield, yeah? It was Iowa as conveniently informed by the text on the screen, and there goes a red 1965 Corvette Stingray with tiny little 11 years old Kirk driving it and trying to listen to his step dad over a Nokia phone: "YOU LITTLE SHIT IF YOU WRECK THE CAR I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU YOU LITTLE BRAT I WILL SKULLFUCK YOU!", so Kirk cut the connection and played Sabotage, by Beastie Boys, which is awesome, and stepped on it hard, demolishing the roof of the car in the meantime by unhinging it, but he was going FAST and passed a cop on a bike, so the cop went NEE NOR NEE NOR and Kirk, in attempt to escape, turned and was now heading fast for a cliff! But he jumped out at the last moment and the tiny arrogant snot that he was, when was asked "citizen, what is your name?"
He said, "MY NAME IS JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK!"
And then we had Vulcan and a 12 years old Spock at school. There was a break in the classes and some little Vulcan snots come up and go you are half human, you are half human, la dee da, so he tells them, this is you 35th attempt to elicit an emotional response from me. They toss yo momma jokes at Spock and he goes APESHIT I WILL CHOKE THAT BITCH RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Then he got a stern talk from Sarek that was more or less WTF, kid?! and then, ok, ok, fine you are half human but please, try a little, k?
And then, there was best scene of them all!
There you had Spock, aged 18, standing before Vulcan Science Academy council. They go, nice, Spock, you're smart and awesome even tho your momma is so stupid she went to Thailand to get a TIE Fighter.
He goes batshit, tho in a Vulcan way. Instead of choking that bitch he tells them to take their yo momma jokes and shove it up their asses, along with their heads. Live long and fuck you!
He smiles at them, flips them and leaves. His dad seems impressed.
And then there's a cut to Uhura walking into a bar, she's one hot lady. She orders like MASSIVE amount of drinks and Kirk, aged 22 now, hears it and starts hitting on her crudely, but proves to be smart by knowing what xenolinguistics is. She is all hell yeah, brother, if you weren't a dumb hick who only has sex with farm animals, I'd tap that keg!
He goes, I fuck both animals and humanoids, girlfriend!
I kid you not. This is more or less how it looked like, I'm sure you can find it on youtube.
Ok, but then some redshirts come along and ask Uhura if she is being bothered. She says, yea, but I kinda enjoy it, but they fail to catch her drift and pat Kirk on the shoulder.
“LEAVE THE LADY ALONE!”
And he goes, fuck off, cupcake, we're just flirting.
Cupcake goes apeshit at Kirk. Him and his 3 friends wreck the bar with Kirk who holds his own ok for several seconds and still manages to fondle Uhura's boobs in this time, but it's 4 on 1 so yeah.
Then Captain Pike comes in, whistles REALLY LOUD, and kicks out all the cadets. Poor Uhura and her 8 drinks.
He goes on talking to Kirk
“Your daddy was my hero, join Starfleet!”
“Fuck you!”
“I dare you!”
“Fine, fine.”
So the next early morning, Kirk enlists and boards shuttle where he sees Cupcake and Uhura and flirts some more. Then, the flight attendant drags Bones out of the loo and he goes all I'M A DOCTOR I'M SCARED OF FLYING FUCK YOU I'M A DOCTOR!
He finally sits next to Kirk and they have a conversations on how shuttles are safe and Starfleet operates in space, but “I'M A DOCTOR AND I KNOW SPACE IS DESEASE AND DANGER WRAPPED IN DARKNESS AND SILENCE but I have nowhere else to go because wife had a good lawyer and all I got left is my bones.” :-(
They immediately become BFFs.
And there is the Academy.
3 years later and we see Kirk doing wolf calls at some female cadets, or maybe male because they are off the screen. Bones is telling Kirk to cut it out, but Kirk is all, fuck no, I'm taking the Kobayashi Maru test again tomorrow, be there like the best friend that you are but bye bye I gotta go fuck, I mean study now.
“Study my ass,” Bones says. Invitation?
We see Kirk fucking an Orion slave girl, yeah? But her roommate opens the door and Gaila, the Orion, hides Kirk under the bed and in comes Uhura, who chats about Klingon armada being BLOWN THE FUCK UP by Nero, but she shrugs it off. Stupid of her.
She hears Kirk moving under the bed to get a better look at her shoes.
“YOU!!! YOU'RE SO FAILING!!!” Uhura shrieks and kicks Kirk out butt-naked and with a hard-on out of the dorm room.
Then we have the Kobayashi Maru test, but Kirk hacked it lol! He wins the no-win scenario and Spock, who programmed it for the last four years, is really going to CHOKE SOME BITCH!!! But he somehow keeps it cool. Barely
There's an assembly, and Spock calls out Kirk on cheating and they argue some, Spock tosses yo momma jokes at Kirk (actually, yo daddy jokes), but then comes the distress call from Vulcan. That will be Nero trying, and later succeeding, in BLOWING VULCAN THE FUCK UP!
So they go to get the assignments to the starships and Kirk is unhappy because he is to stay on Earth because of academic suspension Spock issued on his ass for cheating on his precious test. He did choke that bitch after all. In a Vulcan way.
Kirk pouts and whines and Bones takes pity on him and gives him a vaccine to simulate the symptoms of some alien disease. Melvaran mud fleas infection or whatnot, and smuggles Kirk onboard the Enterprise using Hippocratic Oath.
We see the bridge of the Enterprise with captain Pike giving pep talk and when Sulu goes, “READY FOR WARP!”
Pike says, “PUNCH IT!”
I kid you not, he says punch it like Han Solo does in ep. V
And nothing happens.
There is some embarrassment from Sulu, and Pike asks if parking break's on.
“Nooo, lol, what parking break?!”
But Spock says that external initial dampener is on and Sulu goes, “Awww, fuck”, and they go max warp to Vulcan, and then Chekov does silly ship-wide announcement and this is how they all ended up on the Enterprise.
Kirk wakes up in the sickbay and his hands are like FUCKING BIG! Swollen, because apparently he's allergic to every fucking medicine ever. He still runs around the ship, gets a few hypos in his neck, courtesy of Bones, and collects Uhura on his way to the bridge, where there's a big argument and he and Spock have their second word sparring match, which ends with them agreeing with each other.
The Enterprise arrives at Vulcan, communications are not working, and neither is (surprise!) the transporter. Also, many BLOWN THE FUCK UP ships float in the space and everyone is dead.
Then Nero hails the Enterprise and is all “Hi, young Spock, I heard you like science, so we put science in your planet. Let me show you it.”
Then Cpt Pike gets stolen by Nero and Kirk gets to be promoted to First Officer by him minutes before Pike is taken hostage, and Spock is promoted to the Captain.
And then Nero used the red matter to BLOW VULCAN THE FUCK UP!
Oh, and there was that action scene in which Kirk got beat up by a Romulan and Sulu kicked some major ass with his +5 Katana of Kickass, ended up skydiving over the black hole but Kirk jumped after him and hugged him midair until they got beamed back to the Enterprise by Chekov. And Spock saved Vulcan high council, except for his mom and he was very emo about it.
This is when shit hit the fan twofold.
Spock went batshit and, because Kirk started to really get on his nerves, he marooned Kirk on Delta Vega in a blatant display of being emotionally compromised. I mean, I would be too, if I saw my home planet BLOWING THE FUCK UP!
Delta Vega proved to be a decent rendition of Hoth, but Kirk met Spock Prime there and they did a mind meld, because Spock is such a mind meld whore, and who the fuck knows what old Spock showed him except for the whole backstory (my guess is hot captain on commander sex), and INSISTED that the young Spock and Kirk must be friends OR ELSE!
They picked up Scotty on the way and did a trans-warp beaming to the Enterprise. They got caught by Cupcake and brought to the bridge, where Kirk, following Spock Prime's advice, tossed some yo momma jokes at Spock and Spock UNLEASHED THE FUCKER INSIDE I WILL CHOKE THAT BITCH ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING HELM CONSOLE NOW!! But padre de familia, ie Sarek, was there and talked some sense into Spock.
They began planning an assault on Nero's ship, Narada, which was FUCKING HUGE BTW! And by huge I mean, Super Star Destroyer huge, compared to regular Star Destroyer big Enterprise.
By then Nero triggered the destruction device red matter shit on EARTH!
When Sarek told Spock he married Spock's mom because he loved her and told him he was proud of him, Spock regained some balance and went back to the bridge, where Kirk was already a captain, as it should be, so Spock went all, “Earth's the only home I have left so WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!”, and offered to beam aboard the Narada and bring back captain Pike, who was technically in charge of the Enterprise if not for the fact he was a hostage the entire movie and Nero fed him some Centurian brain slugs while going emo over his planet. But Kirk, already very much in love with Spock, probably due to the mind meld and I am not kidding, you can see his attitude changing after the mind meld IMMIDIATELY, told Spock, “Fuck no, if you're going, I'm going to take care of you, shnookums.”
So they beamed onboard the Narada and kicked some Romulan ass and Spock found Spock Prime's ship, the Jellyfish, with like a ton of the red matter, and Kirk beat up some Romulans, including Nero, while Spock went cowboy with the Jellyfish.
He did the no-win scenario on Nero's ass when he flew the Jellyfish straight at the Narada, but he and Kirk and Pike got beamed aboard the Enterprise just before the explosion.
They went all YAAAAAY, FUCK YEAH WE ARE AWESOME and then Kirk hailed Nero and said, “You bitches are toast, I shoot my phasers and you die in a black hole because of the red matter floating in your ship, but it's cool, we can help you.”
Spock was all, "WTF, Jim?!"
"Look, it's only logical to offer help and cherish life, I know you like it, so maybe if I offered that you'd appreciate my efforts?", Kirk said.
"No, not really. Not this time. I appreciate your concern however and I'm starting to very much love you back"
But Nero went batshit, "I'D RATHER SUFFER THE END OF ROMULUS A THOUSAND TIMES! I WOULD RATHER DIE IN AGONY THAN ACCEPT ASSISTANCE FROM YOU!!!!"
So Kirk said to Nero, “YOU GOT IT, BITCH! FIRE AT WILL!"
And they shot the Narada and Nero died.
But the amount of red matter really made for a BIG GAPING BLACK HOLE! Like in gay porn. So they were in a major crisis and couldn't get out of the gravitational field, but Scotty did his magic and shot warp engines out, creating an explosion that pushed the Enterprise out and so they drifted back to Earth on impulse power only, where Kirk got promoted to the captain officially.
Back on Earth, Spock met Spock Prime and the conversation went along the lines of:
"Oh hi!"
"OH SHIT!!"
"Stay in Starfleet, fuck your captain!"
"But Vulcans are almost dead!"
"Yea well, let me shag the Vulcans, you shag the captain, k? "
"K. Live long and prosper."
"Good luck."
And then it was all Enterprise again, and everyone were there, Kirk and Bones and Uhura and Sulu and Chekov and even Nurse Chapel and yeoman Rand, but no Spock, and Kirk was sad, until Spock showed up and said, "Requesting permission to come aboard."
Kirk went almost crying happy and sobbed, "Permission granted."
Spock offered to be 2IC and science officer and Kirk went all “FUCK YEAH BABY I LOVE YOU!”
And Spock went, “I love you too. Want my CV to be all formal?”
“Fuck no.”
And then the last shot of the film was the whole bridge and Spock and Kirk looking at each other very contently.
And then there was a shot of Enterprise going into warp and Leonard Nimoy was saying "Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life-forms and new civilizations; to boldly go where no one has gone... before."
And then there were planets and credits.
And the movie was so fucking awesome it was definitely Better Than Sex, except JJ Abrams loves fucking lens flares, which was fucking annoying.
And this is how it all began.
Yea that pretty much it.
Instead, as you can imagine, I got drunk and created a monster. Drunk Movie In Then Minutes.
If you haven't seen the movie, and plan to, don't read this.
If you haven't seen the movie, and don't plan to, enjoy.
Ok, Nero is a particularly troubled Romulan.
He witnessed Supernova destroying Romulus.
Spock was supposed to shoot red matter into the Supernova but didn't make it in time. Furthermore, shit hit the fan and instead of creating a tiny black hole, the red matter + supernova created a tunnel through space-time, so they both ended up traveling in time.
Nero went back 152 years and Spock went back 127 years.
So when Nero appeared, he BLEW USS Kelvin THE FUCK UP, killed Kirk's dad and went on missing for 25 years. Then he captured Spock Prime (the old one who went through time).
Scenes establishing the characters now, let me tell you them.
So, we were shown this cornfield, yeah? It was Iowa as conveniently informed by the text on the screen, and there goes a red 1965 Corvette Stingray with tiny little 11 years old Kirk driving it and trying to listen to his step dad over a Nokia phone: "YOU LITTLE SHIT IF YOU WRECK THE CAR I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU YOU LITTLE BRAT I WILL SKULLFUCK YOU!", so Kirk cut the connection and played Sabotage, by Beastie Boys, which is awesome, and stepped on it hard, demolishing the roof of the car in the meantime by unhinging it, but he was going FAST and passed a cop on a bike, so the cop went NEE NOR NEE NOR and Kirk, in attempt to escape, turned and was now heading fast for a cliff! But he jumped out at the last moment and the tiny arrogant snot that he was, when was asked "citizen, what is your name?"
He said, "MY NAME IS JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK!"
And then we had Vulcan and a 12 years old Spock at school. There was a break in the classes and some little Vulcan snots come up and go you are half human, you are half human, la dee da, so he tells them, this is you 35th attempt to elicit an emotional response from me. They toss yo momma jokes at Spock and he goes APESHIT I WILL CHOKE THAT BITCH RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Then he got a stern talk from Sarek that was more or less WTF, kid?! and then, ok, ok, fine you are half human but please, try a little, k?
And then, there was best scene of them all!
There you had Spock, aged 18, standing before Vulcan Science Academy council. They go, nice, Spock, you're smart and awesome even tho your momma is so stupid she went to Thailand to get a TIE Fighter.
He goes batshit, tho in a Vulcan way. Instead of choking that bitch he tells them to take their yo momma jokes and shove it up their asses, along with their heads. Live long and fuck you!
He smiles at them, flips them and leaves. His dad seems impressed.
And then there's a cut to Uhura walking into a bar, she's one hot lady. She orders like MASSIVE amount of drinks and Kirk, aged 22 now, hears it and starts hitting on her crudely, but proves to be smart by knowing what xenolinguistics is. She is all hell yeah, brother, if you weren't a dumb hick who only has sex with farm animals, I'd tap that keg!
He goes, I fuck both animals and humanoids, girlfriend!
I kid you not. This is more or less how it looked like, I'm sure you can find it on youtube.
Ok, but then some redshirts come along and ask Uhura if she is being bothered. She says, yea, but I kinda enjoy it, but they fail to catch her drift and pat Kirk on the shoulder.
“LEAVE THE LADY ALONE!”
And he goes, fuck off, cupcake, we're just flirting.
Cupcake goes apeshit at Kirk. Him and his 3 friends wreck the bar with Kirk who holds his own ok for several seconds and still manages to fondle Uhura's boobs in this time, but it's 4 on 1 so yeah.
Then Captain Pike comes in, whistles REALLY LOUD, and kicks out all the cadets. Poor Uhura and her 8 drinks.
He goes on talking to Kirk
“Your daddy was my hero, join Starfleet!”
“Fuck you!”
“I dare you!”
“Fine, fine.”
So the next early morning, Kirk enlists and boards shuttle where he sees Cupcake and Uhura and flirts some more. Then, the flight attendant drags Bones out of the loo and he goes all I'M A DOCTOR I'M SCARED OF FLYING FUCK YOU I'M A DOCTOR!
He finally sits next to Kirk and they have a conversations on how shuttles are safe and Starfleet operates in space, but “I'M A DOCTOR AND I KNOW SPACE IS DESEASE AND DANGER WRAPPED IN DARKNESS AND SILENCE but I have nowhere else to go because wife had a good lawyer and all I got left is my bones.” :-(
They immediately become BFFs.
And there is the Academy.
3 years later and we see Kirk doing wolf calls at some female cadets, or maybe male because they are off the screen. Bones is telling Kirk to cut it out, but Kirk is all, fuck no, I'm taking the Kobayashi Maru test again tomorrow, be there like the best friend that you are but bye bye I gotta go fuck, I mean study now.
“Study my ass,” Bones says. Invitation?
We see Kirk fucking an Orion slave girl, yeah? But her roommate opens the door and Gaila, the Orion, hides Kirk under the bed and in comes Uhura, who chats about Klingon armada being BLOWN THE FUCK UP by Nero, but she shrugs it off. Stupid of her.
She hears Kirk moving under the bed to get a better look at her shoes.
“YOU!!! YOU'RE SO FAILING!!!” Uhura shrieks and kicks Kirk out butt-naked and with a hard-on out of the dorm room.
Then we have the Kobayashi Maru test, but Kirk hacked it lol! He wins the no-win scenario and Spock, who programmed it for the last four years, is really going to CHOKE SOME BITCH!!! But he somehow keeps it cool. Barely
There's an assembly, and Spock calls out Kirk on cheating and they argue some, Spock tosses yo momma jokes at Kirk (actually, yo daddy jokes), but then comes the distress call from Vulcan. That will be Nero trying, and later succeeding, in BLOWING VULCAN THE FUCK UP!
So they go to get the assignments to the starships and Kirk is unhappy because he is to stay on Earth because of academic suspension Spock issued on his ass for cheating on his precious test. He did choke that bitch after all. In a Vulcan way.
Kirk pouts and whines and Bones takes pity on him and gives him a vaccine to simulate the symptoms of some alien disease. Melvaran mud fleas infection or whatnot, and smuggles Kirk onboard the Enterprise using Hippocratic Oath.
We see the bridge of the Enterprise with captain Pike giving pep talk and when Sulu goes, “READY FOR WARP!”
Pike says, “PUNCH IT!”
I kid you not, he says punch it like Han Solo does in ep. V
And nothing happens.
There is some embarrassment from Sulu, and Pike asks if parking break's on.
“Nooo, lol, what parking break?!”
But Spock says that external initial dampener is on and Sulu goes, “Awww, fuck”, and they go max warp to Vulcan, and then Chekov does silly ship-wide announcement and this is how they all ended up on the Enterprise.
Kirk wakes up in the sickbay and his hands are like FUCKING BIG! Swollen, because apparently he's allergic to every fucking medicine ever. He still runs around the ship, gets a few hypos in his neck, courtesy of Bones, and collects Uhura on his way to the bridge, where there's a big argument and he and Spock have their second word sparring match, which ends with them agreeing with each other.
The Enterprise arrives at Vulcan, communications are not working, and neither is (surprise!) the transporter. Also, many BLOWN THE FUCK UP ships float in the space and everyone is dead.
Then Nero hails the Enterprise and is all “Hi, young Spock, I heard you like science, so we put science in your planet. Let me show you it.”
Then Cpt Pike gets stolen by Nero and Kirk gets to be promoted to First Officer by him minutes before Pike is taken hostage, and Spock is promoted to the Captain.
And then Nero used the red matter to BLOW VULCAN THE FUCK UP!
Oh, and there was that action scene in which Kirk got beat up by a Romulan and Sulu kicked some major ass with his +5 Katana of Kickass, ended up skydiving over the black hole but Kirk jumped after him and hugged him midair until they got beamed back to the Enterprise by Chekov. And Spock saved Vulcan high council, except for his mom and he was very emo about it.
This is when shit hit the fan twofold.
Spock went batshit and, because Kirk started to really get on his nerves, he marooned Kirk on Delta Vega in a blatant display of being emotionally compromised. I mean, I would be too, if I saw my home planet BLOWING THE FUCK UP!
Delta Vega proved to be a decent rendition of Hoth, but Kirk met Spock Prime there and they did a mind meld, because Spock is such a mind meld whore, and who the fuck knows what old Spock showed him except for the whole backstory (my guess is hot captain on commander sex), and INSISTED that the young Spock and Kirk must be friends OR ELSE!
They picked up Scotty on the way and did a trans-warp beaming to the Enterprise. They got caught by Cupcake and brought to the bridge, where Kirk, following Spock Prime's advice, tossed some yo momma jokes at Spock and Spock UNLEASHED THE FUCKER INSIDE I WILL CHOKE THAT BITCH ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING HELM CONSOLE NOW!! But padre de familia, ie Sarek, was there and talked some sense into Spock.
They began planning an assault on Nero's ship, Narada, which was FUCKING HUGE BTW! And by huge I mean, Super Star Destroyer huge, compared to regular Star Destroyer big Enterprise.
By then Nero triggered the destruction device red matter shit on EARTH!
When Sarek told Spock he married Spock's mom because he loved her and told him he was proud of him, Spock regained some balance and went back to the bridge, where Kirk was already a captain, as it should be, so Spock went all, “Earth's the only home I have left so WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!”, and offered to beam aboard the Narada and bring back captain Pike, who was technically in charge of the Enterprise if not for the fact he was a hostage the entire movie and Nero fed him some Centurian brain slugs while going emo over his planet. But Kirk, already very much in love with Spock, probably due to the mind meld and I am not kidding, you can see his attitude changing after the mind meld IMMIDIATELY, told Spock, “Fuck no, if you're going, I'm going to take care of you, shnookums.”
So they beamed onboard the Narada and kicked some Romulan ass and Spock found Spock Prime's ship, the Jellyfish, with like a ton of the red matter, and Kirk beat up some Romulans, including Nero, while Spock went cowboy with the Jellyfish.
He did the no-win scenario on Nero's ass when he flew the Jellyfish straight at the Narada, but he and Kirk and Pike got beamed aboard the Enterprise just before the explosion.
They went all YAAAAAY, FUCK YEAH WE ARE AWESOME and then Kirk hailed Nero and said, “You bitches are toast, I shoot my phasers and you die in a black hole because of the red matter floating in your ship, but it's cool, we can help you.”
Spock was all, "WTF, Jim?!"
"Look, it's only logical to offer help and cherish life, I know you like it, so maybe if I offered that you'd appreciate my efforts?", Kirk said.
"No, not really. Not this time. I appreciate your concern however and I'm starting to very much love you back"
But Nero went batshit, "I'D RATHER SUFFER THE END OF ROMULUS A THOUSAND TIMES! I WOULD RATHER DIE IN AGONY THAN ACCEPT ASSISTANCE FROM YOU!!!!"
So Kirk said to Nero, “YOU GOT IT, BITCH! FIRE AT WILL!"
And they shot the Narada and Nero died.
But the amount of red matter really made for a BIG GAPING BLACK HOLE! Like in gay porn. So they were in a major crisis and couldn't get out of the gravitational field, but Scotty did his magic and shot warp engines out, creating an explosion that pushed the Enterprise out and so they drifted back to Earth on impulse power only, where Kirk got promoted to the captain officially.
Back on Earth, Spock met Spock Prime and the conversation went along the lines of:
"Oh hi!"
"OH SHIT!!"
"Stay in Starfleet, fuck your captain!"
"But Vulcans are almost dead!"
"Yea well, let me shag the Vulcans, you shag the captain, k? "
"K. Live long and prosper."
"Good luck."
And then it was all Enterprise again, and everyone were there, Kirk and Bones and Uhura and Sulu and Chekov and even Nurse Chapel and yeoman Rand, but no Spock, and Kirk was sad, until Spock showed up and said, "Requesting permission to come aboard."
Kirk went almost crying happy and sobbed, "Permission granted."
Spock offered to be 2IC and science officer and Kirk went all “FUCK YEAH BABY I LOVE YOU!”
And Spock went, “I love you too. Want my CV to be all formal?”
“Fuck no.”
And then the last shot of the film was the whole bridge and Spock and Kirk looking at each other very contently.
And then there was a shot of Enterprise going into warp and Leonard Nimoy was saying "Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life-forms and new civilizations; to boldly go where no one has gone... before."
And then there were planets and credits.
And the movie was so fucking awesome it was definitely Better Than Sex, except JJ Abrams loves fucking lens flares, which was fucking annoying.
And this is how it all began.
Yea that pretty much it.