40 or 50, or did you slip 2 more in there somewhere
oh well, does it really matter
you know thats not why youre awake
what matters is
the point is its 6:18 am and youve got an hour and 12 minutes of hope left
you decide to just give up and play innocent bystander to your thoughts
you wonder if its the abundance of stimulants in your system right now thats keeping you awake
a lot of people
more often than not, that is
a lot of people tell you if you didnt take in so much caffeine you might actually sleep
but what matters is thats not the point
the point is that youve accumulated 20 odd hours of sleep in the past 7 days
you think thats not the point either
what were you thinking about again?
theres that lack of concentration for you
you cant pay attention to your own thoughts much less someone elses
or anything for that matter
you wonder at what itd be like to have a one track mind
you try to think of a time when you had a one track mind
or maybe even just a moment
but you cant conjure anything up
youre sure its there (because it has to be, right?), but maybe its just the late hour thats keeping it from your memory
and you realize youre distracted again
but does it matter
youre pretty sure it doesnt, because
afterall you are just here to let your thoughts entertain you
you hate being awake like this
knowing that the next day
or is it today
youre not really sure because it makes no difference anyhow
but you hate knowing that youre going to be forced into being some productive member of society
and playing a robotic role of remotely functional person
and all the while youre struggling through this perpetual fog
its not so much inner fog, like you sometimes gotta deal with
but its more outer fog
something distancing you from the rest of the world
something almost tangible and you can taste it
you like the way fog tastes
but not this fog
this fog is thick like moth balls and reaks much in the same way
youre thinking of coffee again
and youre thinking of how wrong those people are
because you generally sleep better with a few cups of stout coffee in you before bed
with a few pounds of sugar
maybe even one of your "pay attention" pills
because you, unlike a good majority of the world
need stimulants to unstimulate your mind
you sleep better, you think better, you feel more coherent
and thats what its all about.
eating sleeping and thinking
or so you think
well you can probably throw out the eating and sleeping bit
because you dont do a whole lot of either one
you look at your watch to see what time it is
and its not that you even particularly care anymore
because you gave up at 6:18
but youd like to know
your watch isnt there because you gave it to someone who might need it more than you
well you didnt give it to them, but for the purposes of easy thinking, you did.
so you dont know what time it is anymore,
but you dont really care
thats not the point,
what matters, you think, is that time isnt really anything youre much interested in anyhow
you know that, for you purposes, its just a quantitative measurement
and you dont care much for the mechanics of numbers and quantity
no, you just lied.
you just tried to lie to yourself, even.
you are the one afterall that counts steps between here and there
you are the one that makes up mathematical equations for the amount of words someone uses in a sentence
and you know its not because youre brilliant
because youre not.
you did have to take that one math class 4 times to pass afterall
you know you arent anything special really
and that thought almost distracts you
but you want to figure out what it is about time that disturbs you so
and you realize its probably that you measure time qualitatively
and you dont really use it as anything other than a descriptor
youre hot, and your head itches and you got a bad taste in your mouth
and youre thinking about showering
you think you might as well because you havent in awhile
and youre up so why not
but somehow you find yourself distracted again
a previous thought pops into your head
and you realize you do kind of like being awake like this
because when youre up like this
it really finally is all about you
the rest of "your" world sleeps
and you can sit for hours on end and just let it all be about you
thats not even necessarily what you want
but that wasnt the point
you dont think you even have a point
not just with this but in general
but right now you dont care.
and maybe thats the point
oh fuck points, youre tired of points
points are about as useless as time right now
youre back to watching your thoughts scroll through your head
so youre thinking about how you dont want it to all be about you
youd rather, and prefer, to be invisible
and you like the dark, and the alone
and sometimes even silence
silence doesnt much bother you, you really dont even note awkward silences
because usually youre partially involved with something going on in your head
kinda like how you count steps and make up equations and how numbers are so ingrained into your minds function
that you kinda listen that way too
you like to listen, its probably one of your favorite things to do
and you wonder if youre a bad listener because you frequently, or maybe always, have something else going on in your mind
not anything youre particularly paying attention to
but you figure you do have a diverted focus
and hope its okay with people who come to you and want you to listen
because you really dont mean to be/get distracted
its not even that youre not interested because you are
most days youd give anything to have something besides your thoughts in your head
but not tonight
not right now,
youre wide awake and almost coherent--or so you think
and you think back to events earlier in the evening
was it evening or morning
oh well, you cant remember
and youre sure you could if you tried but it doesnt really matter.
the point is you were thinking about earlier events
you choose the word "day" because you get kinda compulsive about such things,
even in your own thoughts.
god youre a fucking psycho.
but you wont dwell right now.
you smile and almost giggle as you sit in the darkness thinking of her saying
"did you guys make out"
as the question pops from her mouth
you half bark, half scoff, half laugh a "NO"
and then you feel bad, because you didnt mean it as disgust, which is most likely what it came across as
but you think its just totally absurd
and you know if you try to say that "thats absurd"
it will come off as not the way you meant it
and you want to be clear, or as clear as you ever can be/are
so you start to explain as you put the car into gear that...
you do like the person that your passenger asked if you made out with
and you think shes smart, funny, a regular cool gal
hahah you just said gal but anyhow lets not get distracted in a time like this
so you go on to explain that..
well youre not sure really
cuz you probably would make out with the person, hell, you may even go so far as to hump them
just maybe under different circumstances
you realize that it basically comes down to the fact that youre just feeling asexual right now
but then you realize thats not true, and you wish you could push rewind
so you interject a "wait, back that up"
and you say, youre not asexual--as its a well known fact you arent... not that youre a whore or anything...
goddammit you are distracted, back on track.
okay
so youre not asexual but you dont really know how to explain it, cuz its not lack of attraction or want
and so you assure your passenger you did not make out with person and drive home
it is sometime after 5, afterall, and one of yous--obviously and thankfully *not* yourself--does have to be at work in 5 hours.
so you continue the ride home smoking and listening to belle and sebastian
thats all your in the mood for lately
belle and sebastian that is.
yes, sometimes you even have to clarify your thoughts to yourself in your head
so maybe you have some kinda weird compulsive thing going on right now
its not all that bad
but after your little journey back in time
you sit and think..
well no, right now you need a glass of water
so you drink your water
and you think why wont you take this person up on there quite obvious offers
and you marvel at the fact of your complete obvliviousness to it all night
or was it morning.
and you wonder how you couldnt have noticed
and you realize you said all the wrong things
and only, essentially, led the person on
and you didnt mean to
you think of how when it comes to attraction, especially instant bone jumping attraction
youre never really sure why it happens to you
and then you think, well you should be thankful and maybe take the girl up on her offer, its not everyday it happens after all.
but you figure if you act on that thought, you might as well become the chair/head honcho of your own std trading club right now
hey maybe you could advertise, and you almost get distracted by thoughts of posters and ads
you reel your mind back in and
but in reality, at least your reality, stds are the least of your worries when it comes to sex
and not because you dont care, its just not your main concern when it comes down to getting down and dirty
you realize ultimately, right now
you just arent up for casual sexual encounters
or making out
and you wonder if youll contradict yourself within the next 6-12 hours, because you do have a tendency to do that
so maybe you should revise that
its not casual sex youre not up for
its more the feeling afterwards
its different for you, the few people that you manage that sorta intimacy with right now..
well, maybe theyre just enough
but you know thats probably not it right now
you just dont get that empty feeling that sex or moderately sexual encounters, because youre not just talking about intercourting here,
but what matters is not your definition of sex and whatnot
your point was that you dont want the empty feeling that accompanies those extracurricular events
you figure youre probably just old fashioned-minded right now
in that
youre kinda into liking someone, a lot, before you progress beyond chapstick sharing and smoke bumming
and you know that for the people youre involved with, its reciprocated
or at least you tell yourself that
you dont really want to do someone whos just a fiend
and in it for the action
because for you, it can be the best sex in the world
but the endorphins wear off
and then youre left with nothing
unless you really do like the person a lot and thats something you want happening
then when the endorphins wear off, its okay
you still have the like
so you figure youre just not all about operating on lust right now
and when it comes down to it, you just didnt want it.
it in any form.
and you figure, or is it hope, that thats just a fleeting state of mind.
youve kinda become one big fleeting state of person of mood lately
youre really tired now, worn out
but why the fuck are you still awake.
now youre frustrated. so youre going to go buy some more smokes and coffee.
and youre not even going to bother to go back and read
or fix your spelling
inevitably if the reader, provided there ever is one, actually gets to this point, they hate you so much anyhow that they could care less about your spelling.
and more so. you just dont care right now.
and you said earlier, that is your fucking point.
or did you say fuck points.