Bleh.. If you think this sounds gay to you.. Don't fucken read it then.
Monica... ~breaking down~ I don't know what to do.. i'm just thinking
how myy life is such a mess.. and i can't manage this... i feel like
i'm sabatoging my life.. or more like.. I AM...~cries~ but i'm just
amazed how i can cry and break down.. and still type.. I feel like i
don't have someone i can vent this out to... Telling my mom.. woudln't
help because its just words i don't want to hear.. and forget about dad
talking to me.. and like my sister and brother are seriously acting
like babies and wants alot of attention my mom can't juggle... and i'm
pretty much the work horse... and i don't know i don't feel like i can
get myself togeather.... I stepped on the wrong foot with my cousin..
and i'm feeling super bad about it.. and now i don't have money for my
class books... my Fafsa didn't go thorugh.. and there is all these
stuff that is just coming onto me so quickly.. that i can't accept...
and now thinking back how stupid and what a DUMB fuckening kid i am..
that i can't thinkk for my future.. but i feel so mad inside how my
parents treated me.. but i can't blame them... all this is just is just
stuff aside from me.. supressed... and i guess these out burst of pain
is the results from that..I don't know.. i don't have any other friends
that i can talk to on the phone and just try to let it all out on
them.. because they always cut me off on doing things.. and i feel like
i don't have a really true friend that can understand my delema...
God... i'm in so much pain right now.. sometimes i do think of ending
my life.. but at the same time i can't afford to lose the support i'm
giving to others.. and with my death leading to more burden on others..
='( Being the black sheep and trying to carry it is so hard... like i
said.. this pain is seriously hurtting me.. i mean litteritly down to
my heart i soo feel it right now.. and now i"m more afraid that i
might turn into a very depressed person.. and following my sisters
footstep.. when she went through her depression and just the reminder
of it just brings me down even more.. cause I saw her breakdown like if
there was no tommorow... I mean part of me wants to be as strong as
possible.. but my side of tolerance.. is very small... and i don't
know.. now i'm crying for you cause.. i'm putting all this on to you
making you feel bad for me.. and from your situation.. i think i'm
making it worse.. I'm sooo soryy ='( it would of been better to
talk over phone or iin person but.. there is no one that i know.. would
do that .. they all seem so busy it just..
I don't know.. i never got the full experiance of HS.. or my middle
school... i've been like this ever since... THIS SUCKS... and i missed
a class today because I lagged on helping my bro get up.. and once i
got to school it was packed.. and there was no parking =( so me and my
classmate didn't even go to class.. and i ended up making her be absent
for the class too.. and i don't want to effect others... but at some
times.. i don't want to show some of my friends how much i'm going
through.. cause i don't like making people feel bad... bleh i
think i should stop.. more i type the more i start crying.. .. bleh i'm
doing it again.. call me or email me if you can .. ~crys~ i'm so sorry~
=(
This fucken week is exactly like grabbedhair's day but I have to deal with family and school and..school. 'yikes' this is just overwhelming... Thing is if you say 'why don't you just get a job?' it is not as easy as you think... my brother needs assistance every 4 hours to keep his bladder from exploding and more complications... and there isn't enough 'staff' at home to help its not going to work.. plus the negitive aura in this house is very strong... trying to resist it is a battle.
There is my last 2 months.