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The Spice Dolls
BY WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
An announcement needs to be made: I love the Spice Girls! They are possibly the most talented all-gal group to ever grace the planet. And yet? All I hear on the radio is blah, blah, "the Beatles," blah, blah, "the Dixie Chicks," and blah, blah, "John Cougar Mellencamp." Uh... WHERE ARE THE MOTHERFREAKING SPICE GIRLS??
For those poor uninitiated souls, the Spice Girls were the most popular items in the universe in the year of our lord 1996. These limey lookers sold over 53 million records-including such classics as "Spice Up Your Life," "2 Become 1," and everyone's favorite, "Wannabe" (Zigga-zay-AHHHH!). Plus, they had cool secret code names such as Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Baby Spice, and Old Spice-mmmm... make that "Ginger Spice." They also made a very funny movie (Spice World), and popularized the phrase "girl power" as well as "positivity"-and if you could get past the image of that one Spice Girl who dressed like a baby doll, they provided a pretty damn decent role model for today's female teens. (Better than those Girls Gone Wild videos anyway.)
So what's the problem? There's a new reality show debuting this week, which does NOT star the Spice Girls. And that's because it features those slutty nincompoops THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS instead!
Omigod. I hate the Pussycat Dolls... SO... MUCH! For those just coming to the party, the Spice Girls are to the Pussycat Dolls as Anne Frank is to Adolf Hitler-if Hitler wore fishnets and strutted around like a prostitute. In a nutshell, the Pussycat Dolls are a bunch of wannabe strippers (oh fine... "burlesque dancers") who INEXPLICABLY got a recording contract. AND ONLY ONE OUT OF SIX OF THEM CAN SING! The Spice Girls had a far better percentage, boasting four out of five members who could carry a tune in a bucket. (Sorry, Old Spice... it's true.) But instead of teaching any sort of "positivity," the Pussycat Dolls teach "ho-sitivity," prancing around half-naked like a 3 am hooker who just left her last customer pulling up his trousers behind a Dumpster.
It's bad enough that most of the Dolls can't sing, and spend the bulk of their time marching around flashing their va-jay-jays, but now the Pussycat Dolls have somehow been rewarded with their own reality show on the CW entitled, Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll (debuts Tues March 6, 9 pm). Now, here's a question right off the bat: WHY DO THEY NEED ANOTHER FREAKING PUSSYCAT DOLL?? The five they already have CAN'T FREAKING SING!!
And yet, that's not stopping this show in which nine strippers-in-training will be judged for their ability to "dance" (read: strip) and "sing" (read: strip), to see who is worthy enough to join this esteemed group of venerable "pussycats" who probably spend much of their off-stage time skulking into STD clinics. The mere existence of this show proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that if there is a God, He's a filthy pervert who enjoys the subjugation of women, and He hates the Spice Girls because THEY ROCK. And with that, I wish you all a "Zigga-zay-AHHHH."