Hello.
_Name;
You can call me Zinnia. I don't give my name out on the internet, for the most part.
_Age;
21.
_Sex;
Female.
_Location;
NC, USA.
_What form(s) of SI did you use?;
Cutting, burning, ODing on a regular basis, banging head against various objects.
_How long did you SI for?;
Nearly seven years.
_Why did you feel it was necessary to SI?;
It's been so long and my memory is so bad I'm not really sure that I remember the initial reason. A lot of things were going on in my life at the time and I had absolutely no idea how to deal with them. The main unrealized reason at the time was probably that I was starting to actually feel emotions after years of being numb due to family circumstances and I went into a bout of very deep depression.
_When did you start to consider yourself a former Self Injurer?;
Only recently. I've gone through periods where I'd go for months at a time without injuring for a while there so I wanted to wait until I knew for sure I could handle the urges without giving in. It's been a little over a year since I stopped cutting and ODing. I think I'll be able to go much longer, although I can't promise myself I'll never do it again. There will probably be a point where I slip up again, eventually.
_What made you want to stop the most?;
My friends were getting pissed off at me and I was getting angry with myself. I realized that if I didn't stop then I was going to keep spiraling more and more out of control.
_What reactions bother you most when/if people find out you used to SI?;
None, really. I've never had a really negative reaction. most people don't even notice my scars for the most part (though I have no idea why, there are tons of them). The people who do know also know what happened in my life to lead me to that point where I started.
_Was there a major scare or change in your life that made you want to stop?;
Not quite. There was one point where I ODed on a new medication a higher dose than I usually did and I lost all sense of self - I had no idea who I was beyond the exact moment I was thinking and I couldn't remember what I was doing. It was terrifying. I started having memory loss issues and things of the sort and I realized I was going to cause some serious damage if I didn't stop. Other than that I realized that part of the reason I had started abusing my medication so badly and cutting again (I'd gone six months without) was because I was finally coming to terms with my brother's death a couple years before that. I was able to focus more on grieving and less on hurting myself.
_Are you on, or were you on, any medication(s)? If yes, what for and which one(s)?;
Lots. I don't remember the names of most of them. I do know I was on Celexa most recently. I stopped taking them because I couldn't trust myself with medication and, honestly, they never made much of a difference.
_If you could change the past, would you have ever started? Why or why not?;
I've never been the sort to look back and think "I should have/could have changed the way that happened." Everything that I have done and that has been done to me have all led me to be who I am now and, for the most part, I'm a good person. It was something that happened and now I'm past that, and that's a good thing.
_What have you discovered to help you cope with things differently?;
I was re-diagnosed with BPD and went to a DBT therapist. She was the only therapist I ever went to that was actually understanding and helpful. She gave me some ways to help negate negative self talk - by stepping back and examining the problem logically and/or by supplying something good about myself in direct relation to what I think is 'bad' - which have helped a lot. Mostly, though, when I think about cutting, I try to remind myself that, essentially 'this too shall pass.'
_Pick five adjectives to describe yourself;
Observant, logical, theoretical, mercurial, insightful.
_How do you think/wish/hope this community can help you?;
I still do have moments of "Oh my god I want to hurt myself so bad." I think having somewhere to just write about that without having to worry about my friends reading and worrying overtly would be nice.
_Would you be willing to accept IMs in someone's time of need?;
As long as my away message isn't up, yes.
_If yes, what is your AIM, Yahoo, and/or MSN messenger for our l_ssupport page?;
AIM: cyberneticenigma
Yahoo!: les_dames_bleu
MSN: thebestkeptsecretyoueverhad@hotmail.com
I am on AIM the most.