ใบสมัครฉัน (Application)
สวัสดีจ๊ะ~ Erm..I really wasn't sure which application to fill out, as I'm really a past SI, but I just recently had a slump and reverted to it again, just once, but I'm here to make sure it doesn't happen again and...I suppose everything will be explained in the application so..onward~
_Name; Mel
_Age; almost 19
_Sex; Female
_Location; US
_What form(s) of SI did you use?; Cutting and burning
_How long did you SI for?; About two years, then I quit and had been free for nearly four years, then I had the "slip" of yesterday, but I promised myself I would find other outlets and don't plan to start injuring myself again
_Why did you feel it was necessary to SI?; Stresses; Moving to the US (from Thailand..we had always jumped back and forth, but then we were actually moving to stay here and I would be going to school here), and I was worried about that, about fitting in, worrying no one would accept me, having no real friends for the first few months. Then, at the same time, my parents were going through a messy devorce from their abusive relationship..and when I say messy, I mean MESSY. In fact, it's still going on..seven years later.. If I'm approved I'll make a ranting post with all the details, but yes, all the stresses from that combined with my dad pressing me to be the TOP in school and pushing me about grades and doing good, so punishment for not meeting his expectations, and I felt cut off from everyone on the other side of the planet, didn't want my new friends to think weirdly of me and didn't know any of them enough that I felt I could really spill my heart to them, so this was the only outlet I could think of, quicker and more efficient than crying.
_When did you start to consider yourself a former Self Injurer?; After a while, I felt I needed to be strong and focus more on supporting my mother and find other outlets
_What made you want to stop the most?; The fact that I didn't want anyone to know, so I was tired of hiding it, and I felt life could only be as happy as I made up my mind it would be, so I decided I needed to be more optomistic and find other outlets for the stress and I didn't want to feel like my dad or step mom or anyone was stronger than me
_What reactions bother you most when/if people find out you used to SI?; That they think I just hopped on the bandwagon and did it for attention to be emo or because all the popular bands wrote songs about it and they roll their eyes or snort or something; it was quite the opposite, as I mentioned, I was ashamed of it and didn't want to admit it to anyone, and I think that was part of the problem, that I was afraid to talk to anyone
_Was there a major scare or change in your life that made you want to stop?; Not really, just, like I said, wanting to be strong for my mother and myself
_Are you on, or were you on, any medication(s)? If yes, what for and which one(s)?; No meds
_If you could change the past, would you have ever started? Why or why not?; Hard to say..I honestly don't know. Not sure what else I would have done in its place
_What have you discovered to help you cope with things differently?; That looking towards the future or thinking positively/listening to positive music/etc. helps a lot, as well as talking with someone who can relate, or at least expressing yourself in some art form; drawing, writing, private journal entries
_Pick five adjectives to describe yourself; Original, independant, eccentric, exotic, determined
_How do you think/wish/hope this community can help you?; As much as I've strengthened emotionally and as much as I like to think I'm strong enough on my own, there are some times where I can write pages and pages of a private journal entry or theraputic fiction or whathaveyou and it's just not enough..and I'm scared to go to some of my friends; I don't think they understand my situation, I don't want to feel like I'm burdening them with my problems, and I'm scared what they would think if they found out I cut or used to cut, and talking to parents is awkward when they're the majority of the cause of it all, and knowing they wouldn't understand and make a bloody fuss about it and not listen..I just really need someone who understands and who I can talk to during the tough times who can keep my chin up and keep me from looking towards SI again~ Even if it's just one person, you know?
_Would you be willing to accept IMs in someone's time of need?; Absolutely, I'd be more than happy to listen to others' problems and help them in the same way. I've always been bad at giving advice, but I'm always there to lend an ear/shoulder or to comiserate with
_If yes, what is your AIM, Yahoo, and/or MSN messenger for our l_ssupport page?; lol..it's six years old, don't laugh, I need to get off my lazy butt and make a new one: MSN: Bebopbountyhuntress[AT]Yahoo[DOT]com