CWRPS fic: Arguing on the Internet Is Like... (Jared/Jensen NC-17)
Title: Arguing on the Internet Is Like...
Author: chash
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Rating: NC-17.
Warnings: Oblivious, accidental asshole Jensen!
Word Count: 6800.
Summary: Jensen doesn't know why everyone always thinks he's the gay one.
Notes: So, funny story! The awesome mediaville won me in fics4books, was lovely, and sent me some fic ideas. I was like Ooh, I like this one, and started working on it! Then I went to work, started thinking about a completely different prompt of hers, could not get it out of my head, came home, and wrote 6600 words in one night. And then I woke up this morning, proofed it, and that pretty much brings us to now. A fascinating look into the mind of Chash.
Anyway! This is for mediaville, from the second prompt on this entry, for fics4books in that it fulfills the requirements of my challenge. But she might also end up with another fic for that. Since I already started it and all.
Disclaimer: Lies and untruths.
It all starts when Jensen asks Jared to come with him to the My Bloody Valentine premiere.
Okay, that's not true.
Really, it actually started whenever they first showed up in public together. Jensen had been a normal human being, and Jared had been Jared. And Jensen hadn't realized it would be a problem, back then. Jensen sort of thought it was all normal and fun and the kind of thing everyone did.
And, granted, maybe everyone doesn't get molested by their best friend at network events and move in with him, but it's not like Jensen does those things for any particularly exciting reason. He likes Jared--Jared is basically his favorite person in the world. They're best friends. And if he hasn't seen Jared for a while, he'll hug him and pose with him and smile at him, and maybe he'll blush a little. It's not because he's gay for Jared. Jensen can't stress that enough. He is absolutely and completely not gay for Jared. But these reunions--totally normal, heterosexual reunions like everyone has--are happening in front of cameras, and it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing because Jared loves touching people and Jensen is a private guy. So he's happy to see Jared and embarrassed and ends up looking like a tool.
And then he reads a billion pages on the internet about how he's gay for Jared, or how they're gay for each other.
And that's the thing. Jensen doesn't do anything. Jensen is an innocent bystander while Jared gets all up in his space and makes jokes about how Jensen is gay for him and all that. Jared is the one who should be always coming off as gay for Jensen. Jensen is hot. Jensen is awesome. People would totally go gay for him. So how come no one ever thinks "Maybe Jared is gay for Jensen and Jensen is straight and just doesn't know how to deal with public displays of gay affection?" Not that that's the truth either, but it's a much more logical conclusion to draw than "Jensen is gay for Jared and Jared just touches him all the time."
Jensen can't figure it out, honestly. He puzzles over it. He thinks about asking Jared, but he doesn't really want to know what Jared's explanations would be. He knows they would be bad.
"Hey, Chris," he says, in the middle of an unrelated phone call, "why do people think I'm gay for Jared?"
Chris doesn't hesitate. "Your girly eyelashes and cocksucking lips."
"Thanks, Chris."
Jensen tries not to worry about it too much; it's not like is has a huge effect on his life. Most of the time he ignores it, doesn't mind when Jared drapes an arm over his shoulder or throws his leg over Jensen's body. It's normal. It's fine.
He and Danneel broke up in October, for reasons Jensen no longer completely remembers. There was distance issue, and career concerns, and Danneel spent enough time with Chad that she was picking up some of his vocabulary, which was just disturbing. Jared had been comforting, helpful, and bought him a ton of booze. As friends should.
So once Danneel's out of the picture, Jensen figures he'd rather take his best friend than pick up some random girl to be his arm candy.
It doesn't occur to Jensen that this could be seen as kind of gay on his part. After all, Jared spends all his time doing really gay things in Jensen's direction, and people think that makes Jensen gay. So, logically, Jensen asking Jared to come to his premiere with him should be evidence that Jared is gay for Jensen.
It makes sense if you're nuts, which Jensen's fans are.
"If I dress up, will you put out?" asks Jared, grinning as Jensen comes into his room.
"If you dress up, I won't throw you out of the car."
"Aww, Jensen, that hurts," says Jared. "Don't tell me I'm not trophy date enough for you."
"You've got killer legs," Jensen says. "But your chest sucks."
"Have you seen my pecs?" asks Jared.
"No. But I really don't need to," he says quickly, seeing Jared going for the buttons of his shirt.
"You're missing out," says Jared with a wink.
"I'll keep that in mind," says Jensen.
And it's great, driving over, goofing off, and Jensen doesn't even mind when Jared wraps himself all around Jensen as the cameras flash.
*
omg did you see j&j at jensen's premiere? jensen took jared on a date!! he's totally the cutest seriously
I know!! does this mean theyre dating or is jensen still trying to win jared???
ive git a cousin in vancouver she says they're together for real
Congratulations, Jensen! We knew you'd win your man!
Jensen actually growls at the comments on the post because--seriously? He can't win. It's like all roads lead to him being gay for Jared Padalecki. Except for the way he isn't actually gay. For Jared or otherwise.
And seriously, what the fuck? Jared broke up with his fiance, asked Jensen to move in with him, and spends all his time at big events attached to Jensen like he's got suction cups. So how did Jensen get to be the gay one? It's completely fucked up.
It doesn't piss Jensen off because he's homophobic. Because he's not. Jensen has nothing against homosexuality. And he really wishes there was a way to talk about your lack of homophobia without sounding homophobic, so Jensen stops trying to reassure himself that he's not homophobic and tries instead to figure out what the hell to do about his life problems.
No one seems to think Jared is gay. Or, at least, no one thinks Jared is gay except when he's with Jensen. And Jensen doesn't think he gives off gay vibes.
"Do I give off gay vibes?"
Tom blinks at him. "Huh?"
"I'm just asking," mutters Jensen.
"You're kind of pretty," says Tom. "You were a model."
"So were you," Jensen points out.
"Yeah, but I'm married. To a girl. Everyone thinks you're married to Jared."
Jensen rests his forehead against the table. "Wonderful."
"You could," says Tom. "You know. It's Canada."
"I'm not gay for Jared."
"Why not?"
"I'm not gay," Jensen explains slowly.
"That's the point of being gay for Jared," says Tom, just as slowly. "Then you don't have to be gay for anyone else."
Jensen has no idea how to respond to this. "Do you ever have these conversations with Jared?" he asks finally.
"Jared never asks me if he gives off gay vibes."
"Does he?"
"No."
"But he gropes me all the time!"
"Yeah," says Tom, waving his hand, "but that...it's like he just doesn't care, you know?"
"And that makes him not gay?"
Tom shrugs. "Maybe it's your girly eyelashes."
Jensen glares at Tom, sucks on his beer, sulks, and thinks.
Jensen is an awesome multitasker.
*
He hits on a really simple idea when Jared asks him to go to the Friday the Thirteenth premiere. After all, if Jared is securing his masculinity by groping Jensen all the time, can't Jensen do the same thing? All he has to do is inappropriately touch Jared Padalecki at the Friday the Thirteenth premiere, and his heterosexuality will be assured.
It sounds pretty much crazy to Jensen, but he's getting sick of the way Jared somehow manages to never come off as the gay one. Because Jared is way gayer than Jensen. Jared wears pink and uses separate shampoo and conditioner instead of just getting an all-in-one. So if Jared can use groping as a path to secure straightness, Jensen totally can too.
He tries to put out feelers at work the week before they're set to head to the premiere, just trying things. Jared's always pretty affectionate; not as exuberant as he is in front of the cameras, but they'll sit close together, laugh and joke and hit each other. It's one of Jensen's favorite things about Jared, honestly; even when he's worried people will think he's gay, he never wants Jared to stop touching him. Very few people in Jensen's life have ever been that...open. At first it made him a little protective of the kid, the way he was so honest in a business like acting. But he's learned Jared's more than capable of taking care of himself.
So Jensen likes it without reservations, likes that someone gets that close to him even though he's prickly and shy and not always easy. He likes that Jared cares enough.
So this week, he tries leaning back into Jared's touches more, reaching out to cuff the back of his head, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. It all feels simple and easy, the same things he always does, and all that's different it's that he's conscious of it now, aware how much he brushes back against Jared.
In a very heterosexual way.
Jensen rubs his face. The internet is driving him insane. It was only a matter of time.
Jared plops down next to him, their arms brushing. "Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah," says Jensen, smiling. "Just tired."
"Better rest up," says Jared, taking the cue and grinning back. "You gotta be some fucking awesome arm candy for me, bitch."
Jensen just grins, because he's totally going to molest Jared on the red carpet, and it's going to be awesome.
*
The carpet is actually kind of purplish, Jensen assumes because Friday the Thirteenth is not a very classy movie.
Jensen also does not actually molest Jared on the red/purple carpet, as it turns out.
He wants to, he really does, but it's hard. When it's just the two of them, Jensen has no trouble touching Jared. But he gets this ridiculous performance anxiety and freezes; it's fucking stupid, honestly. Like. So stupid.
He ends up kind of flailing, doing his best, and getting Jared's hand. His hand. He waits for Jared's look, for a raised eyebrow, to be shaken off.
Jared doesn't do any of that, though. He laces his fingers in Jensen's, squeezes once, and then keeps walking, their hands twined, and Jensen blushes.
Jared doesn't let go of his hand through the whole movie, and Jensen feels Jared's thumb absently rubbing his hand as Jason dismembers people. Every time he glances Jared out of the corner of his eye, he's smiling, a weird, small, satisfied smile that Jensen would not have expected, given that Friday the Thirteenth isn't really something to be particularly proud of. Jared's good in it and all--Jared is pretty much always good, in Jensen's book, and he's really come a long way--but Jensen feels like he's way better in Supernatural on a weekly basis. Plus, Jared doesn't even like watching himself on screen.
So the entire thing is surreal.
Once the movie ends, Jared lets go of his hand, and Jensen can feel it tingling for the rest of the night, like phantom pains, except it doesn't hurt. He just knows. It happened; it was there.
Jared drapes himself over Jensen all through the after party, and Jensen decides to drink until he feels normal.
He never gets there.
*
Somehow, after that night, things get weirder.
Jensen didn't think it was possible, because holding Jared's hand for three plus hours? Bizarre.
First off, there's the internet, which of course goes fucking crazy and decides that he and Jared got gay married and will be moving to the suburbs to raise many imported babies, Brangelina-style, any day now. Which is annoying but, Jensen has to admit, but not actually unexpected. After all, he did blush. And hold Jared's hand for three hours. It was not his most heterosexual moment.
But Jared. Jared changes.
It starts with little things. Jensen barely notices at first; Jared walks closer to him, brushes their hands together more. It's three days before Jensen realizes how deliberate it is, and another day after that before he realizes Jared is trying to get Jensen to hold his hand again.
Huh.
Jensen doesn't actually know what to do with that, so he ignores it, and then it's Friday.
Jared wraps an arm around Jensen's waist as they head to the car which is weird, but kind of nice, and Jensen leans into it without thinking about it too much.
"Want to get dinner?" Jared asks. He's smiling--Jensen doesn't think he's stopped smiling at any point this entire week. It's actually gotten in the way of filming a few times, because Sam Winchester is an emo kid, and Jared Padalecki definitely isn't right now.
"Like, out?" asks Jensen.
Jared grins more and ruffles Jensen's hair with his free hand. "Afraid someone's going to recognize you?"
"I just don't want to be seen in public with such a nobody," says Jensen, jerking his head away once he realizes the whole thing is weird.
Jared doesn't seem to mind. "I'll pay," says Jared.
Jensen laughs. "Why didn't you say so?"
*
Dinner's the same as always, and Jensen decides Jared probably is just happy Jensen's decided to embrace his physically affectionate side. Jared is kind of a giant puppy, after all, so he really thrives on attention. And Jensen gave him attention and now he's stuck with Jared for life.
More than he already was.
But then the next week, it gets to be weird.
It's Monday, and Jensen's in the middle of chatting to Mark from sound about the game, and Jared comes up, wraps both his arms around Jensen's waist, and rests his head on Jensen's shoulder.
Jensen pats Jared's head awkwardly. "Nice to see you too," he says, mostly because he doesn't have anything else to say. When Jared smiles, he can feel it against his cheek. Jared's got no stubble, of course--Sam never does--and his face is surprisingly soft against Jensen. He finds he doesn't mind having Jared so close. It should probably be weird.
Mark looks like he does think it's weird, and Jensen hopes Mark doesn't post about Jared and Jensen's gayness online. He doubts it, but anything's possible.
Jared doesn't move and Mark makes excuses to go away soon after. Jensen prays he's not going to update his Livejournal. That's all Jensen needs.
Jensen shifts slightly, pats one of Jared's hands around his waist. "Something you want to tell me?" he asks.
"Just wanted to say hi," says Jared. And then he nuzzles Jensen and bounces off.
Seriously, Jared Padalecki is insane.
*
Tuesday, Jared holds Jensen's hand and makes him skip to their shoot. Kim raises his eyebrows when they get there.
"I let him have espresso," says Jensen.
"Because he loves me," says Jared, beaming.
Maybe Jared wants people to think he's gay.
It looks like it's working on Kim.
*
Wednesday, Jared sticks his hand in Jensen's back pocket and then plays footsie with him while they're playing their PSPs.
Jensen is 90% sure it's because Jared is trying to sabotage him, but that last 10% is a little worrying.
*
Thursday, Jared has a long day of tough shooting and falls asleep in the car on the way home, his head lolling on Jensen's shoulder. He drools, he snorts whenever the car turns sharply, and his hand is a heavy weight on Jensen's, but it doesn't occur to Jensen even once to wake him up.
When they get home, Jensen rouses him, and Jared's adorably sleepy and confused and Jensen takes his hand just to drag him inside. His head falls against Jensen's back as Jensen fumbles with the key, and Jensen practically has to carry him up the stairs to his bedroom. Which sucks, because Jared is gigantic.
When they get to the bed, Jensen deposits Jared and tries to just leave, but Jared catches him by the shirt and drags him into the bed.
Jensen's crushed under a billion pounds of Padalecki arms and legs, but Jared's snoring softly in Jensen's ear, and Jensen's pretty tired too, so he doesn't try to fight it.
They're going to have to talk about this soon.
*
Friday, everything goes horribly wrong.
It doesn't go wrong in the morning, because Jensen isn't conscious enough to have a conversation with Jared about the way Jared is maybe crossing some personal boundaries. A little. And Jensen doesn't mind, exactly, he's just confused.
Jared's practically bouncing in the car and Jensen finally puts his hand on Jared's thigh just to calm him down. And then Jared grins at him so brightly Jensen thinks he might go blind.
And they can't talk at work, so it's not until they get home that Jensen fucks everything up.
They're watching TV on the couch, sipping beers and unwinding a little, and Jared scoots closer and closer until, somehow, he's all tangled up in Jensen, limbs all around, and Jensen can't actually keep his bewilderment to himself.
"Jared," he says, "what the hell?"
It comes out kind of squeaky.
"What?" asks Jared.
"Dude, I know you don't believe in personal space, but seriously, this is kind of a lot even for you."
"Huh?"
Jensen gestures. "Seriously, what happened?"
Jared disentangles himself and runs his hand through his hair. He laughs, but he clearly doesn't mean it. "I thought--man. I thought you finally got it."
"Got what?" asks Jensen.
"You were holding my hand and we were--we seemed so in-sync and..." he shakes his head. "Jensen..."
Jensen's busy trying to figure out what Jared's talking about, so he doesn't see Jared coming until his lips are already against Jensen's.
It's not really a kiss, honestly. It's a brush of Jared's lips, dry and large, and Jensen can't even take stock of how they feel--it's over too quickly.
He doesn't realize his eyes were closed until he has to open them.
Jared's looking at him, eyes strong and steady. "I'm in love with you," he says. "God, Jensen, I'm so fucking gone for you."
Jensen can't breathe for a second. And then he says, horribly, "Suck on that, internet!"
Jared looks somewhere between crushed and confused, and Jensen actually claps his hand over his mouth. He didn't think real people did that.
He definitely never thought he did that.
"I just--" Jensen coughs, takes a breath, starts again. "You're always all over me at network stuff, and the internet thinks I'm gay for you and I--thought if I was all over you maybe they'd. Think you were gay for me." He laughs, and he doesn't mean it any more than Jared did. "It sounded better in my head."
Jared shakes his head, looks down at his hands. "Well," he says, "you were right. I'm gay for you. Congratulations."
Jensen swallows. It's not nearly as satisfying as he thought it would be.
Of course, he also never thought it would be true.
"Jared..." he tries.
"I'm going to bed," he says. "You're going to LA this weekend, right?"
"Yeah, but--"
"I'm not--Jensen, you know I'd never do... I don't know. You know I'd never, right?"
"You kind of did," Jensen says, before he can think better of it.
Jared looks stricken and then recovers, face sliding into something Jensen barely recognizes. "I guess I did. I'm sorry. I can--you can--you don't have to stay here. If it's--if you're worried. I won't be offended if you want to leave."
"I don't want to leave," says Jensen. "Jared, you're my best friend."
"Right," says Jared. He nods to himself, and then he goes to the stairs. "Goodnight."
"Night," Jensen echoes.
He stays there on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, until his alarm goes off for his flight.
He never sees anything up there.
*
When he gets to LA, he gets a taxi to Steve's without calling first and bribes the driver to risk both their lives to get him there faster.
Steve looks completely confused when he arrives. "What're you doing here?"
"Danneel invited me to this party," says Jensen.
"You guys broke up," Steve points out, letting him into his apartment.
"I told her I'd go with her before that. Turns out she still needed a date."
"You're spending your fucking birthday weekend hanging out with your ex?"
Jensen groans. He'd somehow forgotten. As a bonus, he's turning thirty-one. "Theoretically."
"Except for the part where you're here," agrees Steve. "So why are you here? Not that I'm not happy to see you, but you look like fucking hell."
"Jared's in love with me."
"Huh," says Steve, like he's not that surprised. "How do you know?"
"Because he fucking told me!"
"Jensen," says Steve, "your best friend told you he's in love with you and you still come down to LA to hang out with your ex-girlfriend?"
"Fuck," says Jensen.
"You suck, Jensen."
"You have no idea."
*
Jensen skips the party, ends up sleeping on Steve's couch all weekend and worrying.
It's--he doesn't mind that Jared's in love with him. He's honestly pretty flattered. But at the same time, he feels shitty. Because Jared's miserable and Jensen's in LA moping on Steve's couch, instead of making him feel better.
And he's kind of pissed at Jared for not telling him. Seriously, how long has this been going on? How long has Jared known? They're supposed to share everything, and secret gay lust? That's kind of a big deal.
Mostly, Jensen has no fucking clue what to do. The only thing he's really sure he wants to do is go online and post "JARED PADALECKI IS GAY FOR JENSEN ACKLES" on some gossip sites, but he knows that would be mean and wouldn't help anything. But damnit, he is totally not the gay one.
It's not as comforting as he thought it would be.
Steve drops him off at the airport Sunday night.
"What do I do?" he asks, feeling young and stupid. Which he pretty much is.
"Don't be an asshole," Steve suggests.
It's good advice.
Jared comes to get him in Vancouver, which makes him feel crappy. He wishes Jensen a happy birthday and doesn't hug him, which makes him feel even crappier. They head out to the car, Jensen quiet and Jared talking a mile a minute about what Jensen missed.
And that's the weirdest part: Jared is back to his usual bouncy self. He's smiling and laughing and acting totally normal, except that when he saw Jensen, he clearly nearly went to hug him and then...didn't.
Jensen never really feels like he's home until Jared hugs him; the lack of it makes his skin itch.
"How was Danneel?" asks Jared, carefully casual.
"I blew her off," says Jensen. "Hung out with Steve."
"How's he?"
"He told me not to be an asshole."
"Sounds pretty tough. Think you can handle it?"
Jensen looks over at Jared. Jared, who is in love with him. He swallows. "I hope so."
*
Jared is an awesome human being.
Jensen has always known this. Jared is, hands down, the best person Jensen has probably ever met. He's nice to everyone. He's upbeat, enthusiastic, smart, and funny. He's affectionate and he really cares.
It's pretty humbling that Jared is in love with him. Jensen can't quite believe it, honestly. It's not like Jensen has crappy self-esteem or anything--he's not Dean, seriously--but that doesn't mean he think he deserves someone like Jared.
And the way Jared is trying so hard to act normal while Jensen quietly and awkwardly freaks the fuck out?
He definitely doesn't deserve that.
*
It somehow doesn't get in the way of filming until Wednesday. On Wednesday, Sam is supposed to clap Dean on the shoulder and Jensen--Jensen is really excited for it.
Jared hasn't touched him since Friday, when Jensen fucked everything up. Not once. Not even casual brushes. And honestly, it's driving Jensen kind of crazy. Because it's--he'd gotten used to Jared being all over him. Now he feels kind of cold, like there are all these spots on his body Jared should be warming up and he isn't.
And Jared keeps flubbing his line.
In the scene, Jared's got a line and then Jensen has a retort and then Jared claps him on the shoulder.
But Jared can't get his line down. He's missed it ten times and it's getting ridiculous.
"Fuck," says their guest director. "Padalecki, get over here."
Jensen hangs back, watches the two confer. After a few minutes, the director says, "Take five, Ackles," and Jensen isn't shocked when he gets back and the shoulder-clap is out of the script.
Jared nails his next delivery, and Jensen completely botches his.
*
On Friday, Jensen touches Jared, and Jared flinches like he's been burned.
Jared goes away for most of Saturday, and Jensen wants to bang his head against the wall until his life stops sucking.
He thinks it would take a lot of banging.
*
In the end, he goes to a bar. He knows the entire time, from getting dressed to getting in the car to being driven over to going in, that this is a terrible idea. He knows he's going to regret it. But he doesn't fucking know what to do.
The girl he finds is cute and sweet and doesn't seem to know who he is. He buys her a drink--dark beer, a good one, one he likes--and she drinks it like a guy.
It never bothered him that he finds girls hot when they act like guys. He's never thought about it much before.
After another few rounds, she's leaning into him and he's leaning back, a little drunk and a lot desperate for the human contact. She smells like perfume, something simple and light, just a hint of summer on the air. There's no trace of dog or stage makeup.
When her lips finally settle on his, they don't go away after a second, and she's a good kisser. He kisses her back without thinking about it.
Instead, he's thinking about Jared, about the brief press of Jared's lips on his. He didn't get a long enough taste to compare, and he finds himself drunk enough to be wanting one.
He finds himself drunk enough that he thinks the girl's hands are too small, her body too fragile, her breasts too soft against him.
He doesn't find himself drunk enough that he can fuck her. They haven't done anything other than make out and Jensen finds himself pulling away, stuttering an apology, and fleeing.
Outside the bar, it's snowing a little even though it's fucking March, and he throws up on the whitening ground during the time it takes his car to come for him. It doesn't make him feel better, but it doesn't make him feel noticeably worse either.
At home, he washes his mouth out, brushes his teeth twice, and collapses into bed.
When he jerks off, he thinks of Jared, Jared's giant hands on his cock, Jared's lips against his ear, Jared all over him, everywhere.
He half-hopes he'll forget it in the morning, but knows he's not nearly drunk enough for that.
*
He doesn't forget, of course.
All through coffee, Jensen sits and thinks about it.
Jared is the single most important person in his life. And Jensen doesn't think it's just that Jared is his co-star. Jared is his best friend, his housemate, and the person Jensen not only doesn't mind seeing every day, but wants to see every day.
He realizes he doesn't want to lose track of Jared after Supernatural, which he always knew, but never thought about that much. He realizes he doesn't want to stop living with Jared after Supernatural, which is more of a surprise. He realizes he misses having Jared close to him, and that he really means close, because Jared's been mostly doing pretty well pretending nothing happened. He misses having Jared lean on him, hug him, hold his hand, nuzzle him, and generally be sappy and girly and ridiculous in his general direction.
He also realizes that last night he jerked off thinking about having sex with Jared.
It's kind of basic math, putting those things together: he's in love with Jared.
It shouldn't be scary, because Jared is in love with him too, and is probably still in love with him even though Jensen was kind of an asshole. Jensen can be kind of an asshole on a semi-regular basis; if that was a turn-off, Jared wouldn't be in love with him in the first place.
Huh.
It's kind of awesome, actually, now that he thinks about it.
Jared Padalecki is in love with him.
And he's in love with Jared Padalecki.
It's really awesome.
He should probably tell Jared about it.
It's noon by the time Jensen finishes his coffee and revelations, and he goes upstairs to check if Jared is even here. He isn't, which is a little worrying; Jared has other friends he can crash with, but it's still a bad sign. He's got to be pretty upset.
Jensen paces around for about ten minutes, coming up with increasingly ridiculous romantic-comedy ideas about how to find and woo Jared before deciding that he really isn't that gay.
He sends Jared a text instead: come home
It's another ten minutes before he gets Jared's reply: ok
*
Not knowing where Jared is, Jensen has no idea when he'll get home, and that triples Jensen's stress. He jumps at every noise and spends the entire time worrying that Jared will decide he's too much of a dick to pursue a relationship with. Which is probably irrational, but still worries him. He was a dick. Accidentally, yeah, but that's not the point.
The point is Jensen might have lost his best friend and potential boyfriend because he was trying to win in a fight with the internet.
He's contemplating bashing his head against something again when he hears the car and freezes.
He stays frozen as the key turns in the lock and Jared comes in and shoots him a confused look.
"Jensen?"
Jensen unfreezes. It takes effort. He waves awkwardly. "Hi."
"Hi," says Jared. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"
Jensen breathes out. This is Jared. It's going to be okay. "Yeah. Something did."
Jared goes into the kitchen and pours himself some juice. Jensen follows him.
Jared raises his eyebrows. "You gonna tell me or do I have to guess?"
Jensen takes a minute to just look at Jared. Jared's tall and broad and scary with the muscles. He's undeniably a guy, but Jensen has trouble caring as much about that as he thinks he should. Jared's not a guy. Jared is so much more than that.
"I miss you," Jensen blurts out.
"I was gone for a day," says Jared. "You've got codependency issues, man."
"No, I mean--shut up. I miss you being you. Hell, I miss last week when you were all over me."
"Gee, sorry my gay pain is losing you PDA," says Jared, going from light to hurt in no time.
"Not like that!" Jensen rubs his face. "Jesus fuck, Jared. I'm--I miss you. And I'm maybe possibly a little bit in love with you."
Jared drops his glass, and Jensen thinks of the season two premiere as he hears the shatter. Jensen laughed at the bizarre way the cup fell, the way Jared didn't even spill it properly, and Jared knocked against him, invaded his personal space, told him it was artistic and Jensen had no soul.
Jensen thinks both of them were already a done deal, even then.
"Maybe possibly?" asks Jared, halfway between pissed and hopeful.
"Uh," says Jensen. He looks down and rubs his neck. "Definitely completely. You fucker."
He can hear Jared swallow. "Prove it."
When Jensen looks up, Jared is staring at him, eyes dark and serious. Jensen swallows too. "What should I do? Poem? Dramatic reading? Interpretive dance?" he jokes.
Jared doesn't say anything, just keeps watching.
"Jesus," breathes Jensen. Then, louder, "At least get out of the kitchen. I'm not having sex with you on a pile of broken glass."
"Where are you having sex with me?" asks Jared, his voice unreadable.
"I dunno. Your place or mine?" asks Jensen. He's already headed out of the kitchen, and it's just a few seconds before he feels Jared behind him.
"Yours is closer," Jared says.
"Jesus," Jensen repeats, and he turns around to see Jared is right there.
They're kissing before Jensen is aware he's moved, but from the tiny whimper that escapes Jared, he's pretty sure he made the first move, and Jared thought he wouldn't.
He wants to be smug, but it seems like too much thought to divert from kissing Jared.
Jared is nothing like a girl; his mouth is huge, his hands are huge, and Jensen feels weird and small against him. Jared's hands are everywhere, so maybe that's why; Jared's hands raking up his back and in his hair and on his face, moving so fast it seems like they're everywhere.
"Dude," Jensen says, still touching Jared's mouth. "Slow down. I'm not going anywhere."
"You saying you want to go slow?" asks Jared, biting Jensen's lip when he's done.
"I don't want you to eat my face in your enthusiasm," says Jensen.
Jared laughs, and it feels awesome having that right against his face, feeling the rumble of Jared's chest against his.
"No face eating," Jared says. "Got it."
They're kissing again after that, and Jensen is dragging Jared towards his room. Jensen would ordinarily be freaked out about this, but having all of Jared's focus on him, feeling all of him pressed up close--it's everything he's wanted this last week and it makes it hard to think.
Besides, he's spent the last four years hearing about how he's having sex with Jared Padalecki. He wants to see if it's as good as he's heard it should be.
So far? Fucking yes.
The backs of Jensen's knees hit the bed, and Jared pushes him forward in the same moment Jensen pulls him back, and they tumble onto the bed. Jared laughs again, like he's so happy some kind of sound had to escape, and Jensen grins lazily.
"You see this coming?" he asks.
"God, I was hoping," says Jared. He works his hands under Jensen's t-shirt, pushes it over Jensen's head and gets to attacking Jensen's chest with his mouth, sucking in a nipple and swirling his tongue around it.
Jensen moans and feels Jared's grin on his chest, can't help thrusting his hips up as Jared bites softly.
He thinks about getting Jared's shirt off, but he's not sure it would be sufficient distraction, so he figures fuck it and sticks his hands down the back of Jared's pants to grope his ass.
"Fuck," Jared mouths. "Are we actually having sex?"
"What did you think we were doing?"
"I thought you were a straight guy who'd freak out if anyone's ass got too involved."
"You were engaged," says Jensen. "You're as straight as I am."
He absently wonders when he started arguing for Jared's straightness.
"Bi," says Jared. "Want to fuck me?"
Jensen tries to get his hand lower on Jared's ass, but his jeans get in the way. "Yes," he hisses instead.
"Then get your hand off my ass and into my pocket," says Jared.
Jensen obeys, and smirks at the condoms and lube. "You were really hoping, huh?"
"God, Jensen," Jared breathes, coming back up to Jensen's mouth. "You have no idea."
Jensen goes for Jared's fly as they kiss, sloppy tongues and wandering hands everywhere. Jared helps kick off his pants once Jensen gets them lower, and Jensen pulls back so he can flip the two of them over.
Jared under him, flushed and grinning and gorgeous, makes Jensen's heart thump in his chest. He said no to this? How did he ever say no to this?
He yanks off Jared's shirt so he can check out his chest. He's seen it before, of course, but it's different as a prelude to sex. And it kills time before he moves down, to the parts of Jared he's never seen.
Jared's cock is, well. It's a cock. It's gigantic, yeah, but Jensen pretty much saw that coming. When he thought about it, which was more often than he really admitted to anyone, himself included. He doesn't have much of an emotional connection to Jared's cock. He thinks maybe he should, but he guesses he has a while to get really attached to it.
It's also really fucking hard, which is hot. And when Jensen moves his hand down toward it, Jared whimpers and squirms and that? That's fucking amazing.
"I get the basic idea here," says Jensen, "but you got any tips?"
"If you don't touch me somewhere soon I'm going to kill you," says Jared.
"Helpful," says Jensen. He gets the lube and slicks up his fingers. "Should I suck you off first? Will that--"
"Your fingers, my ass, now," says Jared.
"God, you're pushy."
"I want to get fucked this century," says Jared, and then he moans, because Jensen puts his finger up Jared's ass.
He'd never really considered spending a Sunday morning like this, and that's evidence that he is insane, because--it's so hot in Jared, and tight, and Jensen has no idea how his dick is going to fit in there, but Jared seems to have faith it will, somehow.
He starts wriggling his finger around, kissing Jared again to keep himself from thinking about the weirdness that is exploring his best friend's asshole.
He hits what he knows must be the prostate from the way Jared breaks away from kissing him to curse.
Jensen gets another finger in and now Jared can't stop swearing. There's sweat at his temples and his neck and he's letting loose a steady stream of meaningless filth and this is the hottest thing that has ever happened to Jensen in his life.
"Nother," Jared finally manages, and Jensen stretches him out.
"You suck at foreplay, Padalecki," Jensen comments.
"God, we can do it long and slow later," says Jared. "Right now, you really need to fuck my brains out."
Jensen swallows. "So you're ready."
"I've been ready for years."
Later, Jensen is going to have some time-line questions, but right now, he has other things to do. Jared whimpers when Jensen's fingers come out, but he perks up to watch Jensen putting on the condom, eyes dark with want.
"See something you like?" Jensen asks, a little shaky.
"Something I love," says Jared. Seriously, only Jared would try to combine dirty talk with tender love confessions in the space of five minutes.
"Sap," says Jensen. "You wanna, uh--get on all fours? Or. Whatever you do. What do you do?"
Apparently those are the magic words, because Jared moves faster than Jensen can process and slams him down on the bed.
"Uh," says Jensen, as all the breath leaves his body.
And then Jared lowers himself, carefully and deliberately, onto Jensen's cock.
The feeling of being inside Jared, surrounded by him completely--Jensen doesn't think there are words. Amazing falls short. Perfect doesn't cut it. Fan-fucking-tastic is woefully inadequate.
And then Jared starts moving, tells Jensen to move, and they're working out a rhythm together, panting and moaning and it's unbelievable. Jensen's done as soon as he sees Jared take his own cock in his fist and Jared doesn't take much longer, coming in uneven spurts over his hand.
He slides off and settles down next to Jensen. It's sticky and nasty and Jensen manages to drag an old shirt over to wipe them down with. The whole time, Jared just watches him with this expression of uncertain wonder.
"What?" says Jensen when he's managed to sink the shirt in his hamper.
"If you say this was a fluke," says Jared, "I am never going to forgive you. And you'll break my heart and leave me useless forever."
Jensen leans over and kisses him, something softer and quieter than before. "Not a fluke."
"Yeah?" asks Jared.
"Yeah." And he reaches over to lace their fingers together, just to prove his point.
Jared's grin is amazing, and Jensen doesn't know how he didn't realize he was in love with that grin. Doesn't know how anyone couldn't be.
"What are you gonna tell the internet?" asks Jared.
Jensen can't help grinning back at Jared. "Nothing," he says. "They pretty much got it right."
They kiss again, kiss until Jensen's brain stops working, and that's fine by him.
There's nothing left to think about.
Author: chash
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Rating: NC-17.
Warnings: Oblivious, accidental asshole Jensen!
Word Count: 6800.
Summary: Jensen doesn't know why everyone always thinks he's the gay one.
Notes: So, funny story! The awesome mediaville won me in fics4books, was lovely, and sent me some fic ideas. I was like Ooh, I like this one, and started working on it! Then I went to work, started thinking about a completely different prompt of hers, could not get it out of my head, came home, and wrote 6600 words in one night. And then I woke up this morning, proofed it, and that pretty much brings us to now. A fascinating look into the mind of Chash.
Anyway! This is for mediaville, from the second prompt on this entry, for fics4books in that it fulfills the requirements of my challenge. But she might also end up with another fic for that. Since I already started it and all.
Disclaimer: Lies and untruths.
It all starts when Jensen asks Jared to come with him to the My Bloody Valentine premiere.
Okay, that's not true.
Really, it actually started whenever they first showed up in public together. Jensen had been a normal human being, and Jared had been Jared. And Jensen hadn't realized it would be a problem, back then. Jensen sort of thought it was all normal and fun and the kind of thing everyone did.
And, granted, maybe everyone doesn't get molested by their best friend at network events and move in with him, but it's not like Jensen does those things for any particularly exciting reason. He likes Jared--Jared is basically his favorite person in the world. They're best friends. And if he hasn't seen Jared for a while, he'll hug him and pose with him and smile at him, and maybe he'll blush a little. It's not because he's gay for Jared. Jensen can't stress that enough. He is absolutely and completely not gay for Jared. But these reunions--totally normal, heterosexual reunions like everyone has--are happening in front of cameras, and it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing because Jared loves touching people and Jensen is a private guy. So he's happy to see Jared and embarrassed and ends up looking like a tool.
And then he reads a billion pages on the internet about how he's gay for Jared, or how they're gay for each other.
And that's the thing. Jensen doesn't do anything. Jensen is an innocent bystander while Jared gets all up in his space and makes jokes about how Jensen is gay for him and all that. Jared is the one who should be always coming off as gay for Jensen. Jensen is hot. Jensen is awesome. People would totally go gay for him. So how come no one ever thinks "Maybe Jared is gay for Jensen and Jensen is straight and just doesn't know how to deal with public displays of gay affection?" Not that that's the truth either, but it's a much more logical conclusion to draw than "Jensen is gay for Jared and Jared just touches him all the time."
Jensen can't figure it out, honestly. He puzzles over it. He thinks about asking Jared, but he doesn't really want to know what Jared's explanations would be. He knows they would be bad.
"Hey, Chris," he says, in the middle of an unrelated phone call, "why do people think I'm gay for Jared?"
Chris doesn't hesitate. "Your girly eyelashes and cocksucking lips."
"Thanks, Chris."
Jensen tries not to worry about it too much; it's not like is has a huge effect on his life. Most of the time he ignores it, doesn't mind when Jared drapes an arm over his shoulder or throws his leg over Jensen's body. It's normal. It's fine.
He and Danneel broke up in October, for reasons Jensen no longer completely remembers. There was distance issue, and career concerns, and Danneel spent enough time with Chad that she was picking up some of his vocabulary, which was just disturbing. Jared had been comforting, helpful, and bought him a ton of booze. As friends should.
So once Danneel's out of the picture, Jensen figures he'd rather take his best friend than pick up some random girl to be his arm candy.
It doesn't occur to Jensen that this could be seen as kind of gay on his part. After all, Jared spends all his time doing really gay things in Jensen's direction, and people think that makes Jensen gay. So, logically, Jensen asking Jared to come to his premiere with him should be evidence that Jared is gay for Jensen.
It makes sense if you're nuts, which Jensen's fans are.
"If I dress up, will you put out?" asks Jared, grinning as Jensen comes into his room.
"If you dress up, I won't throw you out of the car."
"Aww, Jensen, that hurts," says Jared. "Don't tell me I'm not trophy date enough for you."
"You've got killer legs," Jensen says. "But your chest sucks."
"Have you seen my pecs?" asks Jared.
"No. But I really don't need to," he says quickly, seeing Jared going for the buttons of his shirt.
"You're missing out," says Jared with a wink.
"I'll keep that in mind," says Jensen.
And it's great, driving over, goofing off, and Jensen doesn't even mind when Jared wraps himself all around Jensen as the cameras flash.
*
omg did you see j&j at jensen's premiere? jensen took jared on a date!! he's totally the cutest seriously
I know!! does this mean theyre dating or is jensen still trying to win jared???
ive git a cousin in vancouver she says they're together for real
Congratulations, Jensen! We knew you'd win your man!
Jensen actually growls at the comments on the post because--seriously? He can't win. It's like all roads lead to him being gay for Jared Padalecki. Except for the way he isn't actually gay. For Jared or otherwise.
And seriously, what the fuck? Jared broke up with his fiance, asked Jensen to move in with him, and spends all his time at big events attached to Jensen like he's got suction cups. So how did Jensen get to be the gay one? It's completely fucked up.
It doesn't piss Jensen off because he's homophobic. Because he's not. Jensen has nothing against homosexuality. And he really wishes there was a way to talk about your lack of homophobia without sounding homophobic, so Jensen stops trying to reassure himself that he's not homophobic and tries instead to figure out what the hell to do about his life problems.
No one seems to think Jared is gay. Or, at least, no one thinks Jared is gay except when he's with Jensen. And Jensen doesn't think he gives off gay vibes.
"Do I give off gay vibes?"
Tom blinks at him. "Huh?"
"I'm just asking," mutters Jensen.
"You're kind of pretty," says Tom. "You were a model."
"So were you," Jensen points out.
"Yeah, but I'm married. To a girl. Everyone thinks you're married to Jared."
Jensen rests his forehead against the table. "Wonderful."
"You could," says Tom. "You know. It's Canada."
"I'm not gay for Jared."
"Why not?"
"I'm not gay," Jensen explains slowly.
"That's the point of being gay for Jared," says Tom, just as slowly. "Then you don't have to be gay for anyone else."
Jensen has no idea how to respond to this. "Do you ever have these conversations with Jared?" he asks finally.
"Jared never asks me if he gives off gay vibes."
"Does he?"
"No."
"But he gropes me all the time!"
"Yeah," says Tom, waving his hand, "but that...it's like he just doesn't care, you know?"
"And that makes him not gay?"
Tom shrugs. "Maybe it's your girly eyelashes."
Jensen glares at Tom, sucks on his beer, sulks, and thinks.
Jensen is an awesome multitasker.
*
He hits on a really simple idea when Jared asks him to go to the Friday the Thirteenth premiere. After all, if Jared is securing his masculinity by groping Jensen all the time, can't Jensen do the same thing? All he has to do is inappropriately touch Jared Padalecki at the Friday the Thirteenth premiere, and his heterosexuality will be assured.
It sounds pretty much crazy to Jensen, but he's getting sick of the way Jared somehow manages to never come off as the gay one. Because Jared is way gayer than Jensen. Jared wears pink and uses separate shampoo and conditioner instead of just getting an all-in-one. So if Jared can use groping as a path to secure straightness, Jensen totally can too.
He tries to put out feelers at work the week before they're set to head to the premiere, just trying things. Jared's always pretty affectionate; not as exuberant as he is in front of the cameras, but they'll sit close together, laugh and joke and hit each other. It's one of Jensen's favorite things about Jared, honestly; even when he's worried people will think he's gay, he never wants Jared to stop touching him. Very few people in Jensen's life have ever been that...open. At first it made him a little protective of the kid, the way he was so honest in a business like acting. But he's learned Jared's more than capable of taking care of himself.
So Jensen likes it without reservations, likes that someone gets that close to him even though he's prickly and shy and not always easy. He likes that Jared cares enough.
So this week, he tries leaning back into Jared's touches more, reaching out to cuff the back of his head, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. It all feels simple and easy, the same things he always does, and all that's different it's that he's conscious of it now, aware how much he brushes back against Jared.
In a very heterosexual way.
Jensen rubs his face. The internet is driving him insane. It was only a matter of time.
Jared plops down next to him, their arms brushing. "Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah," says Jensen, smiling. "Just tired."
"Better rest up," says Jared, taking the cue and grinning back. "You gotta be some fucking awesome arm candy for me, bitch."
Jensen just grins, because he's totally going to molest Jared on the red carpet, and it's going to be awesome.
*
The carpet is actually kind of purplish, Jensen assumes because Friday the Thirteenth is not a very classy movie.
Jensen also does not actually molest Jared on the red/purple carpet, as it turns out.
He wants to, he really does, but it's hard. When it's just the two of them, Jensen has no trouble touching Jared. But he gets this ridiculous performance anxiety and freezes; it's fucking stupid, honestly. Like. So stupid.
He ends up kind of flailing, doing his best, and getting Jared's hand. His hand. He waits for Jared's look, for a raised eyebrow, to be shaken off.
Jared doesn't do any of that, though. He laces his fingers in Jensen's, squeezes once, and then keeps walking, their hands twined, and Jensen blushes.
Jared doesn't let go of his hand through the whole movie, and Jensen feels Jared's thumb absently rubbing his hand as Jason dismembers people. Every time he glances Jared out of the corner of his eye, he's smiling, a weird, small, satisfied smile that Jensen would not have expected, given that Friday the Thirteenth isn't really something to be particularly proud of. Jared's good in it and all--Jared is pretty much always good, in Jensen's book, and he's really come a long way--but Jensen feels like he's way better in Supernatural on a weekly basis. Plus, Jared doesn't even like watching himself on screen.
So the entire thing is surreal.
Once the movie ends, Jared lets go of his hand, and Jensen can feel it tingling for the rest of the night, like phantom pains, except it doesn't hurt. He just knows. It happened; it was there.
Jared drapes himself over Jensen all through the after party, and Jensen decides to drink until he feels normal.
He never gets there.
*
Somehow, after that night, things get weirder.
Jensen didn't think it was possible, because holding Jared's hand for three plus hours? Bizarre.
First off, there's the internet, which of course goes fucking crazy and decides that he and Jared got gay married and will be moving to the suburbs to raise many imported babies, Brangelina-style, any day now. Which is annoying but, Jensen has to admit, but not actually unexpected. After all, he did blush. And hold Jared's hand for three hours. It was not his most heterosexual moment.
But Jared. Jared changes.
It starts with little things. Jensen barely notices at first; Jared walks closer to him, brushes their hands together more. It's three days before Jensen realizes how deliberate it is, and another day after that before he realizes Jared is trying to get Jensen to hold his hand again.
Huh.
Jensen doesn't actually know what to do with that, so he ignores it, and then it's Friday.
Jared wraps an arm around Jensen's waist as they head to the car which is weird, but kind of nice, and Jensen leans into it without thinking about it too much.
"Want to get dinner?" Jared asks. He's smiling--Jensen doesn't think he's stopped smiling at any point this entire week. It's actually gotten in the way of filming a few times, because Sam Winchester is an emo kid, and Jared Padalecki definitely isn't right now.
"Like, out?" asks Jensen.
Jared grins more and ruffles Jensen's hair with his free hand. "Afraid someone's going to recognize you?"
"I just don't want to be seen in public with such a nobody," says Jensen, jerking his head away once he realizes the whole thing is weird.
Jared doesn't seem to mind. "I'll pay," says Jared.
Jensen laughs. "Why didn't you say so?"
*
Dinner's the same as always, and Jensen decides Jared probably is just happy Jensen's decided to embrace his physically affectionate side. Jared is kind of a giant puppy, after all, so he really thrives on attention. And Jensen gave him attention and now he's stuck with Jared for life.
More than he already was.
But then the next week, it gets to be weird.
It's Monday, and Jensen's in the middle of chatting to Mark from sound about the game, and Jared comes up, wraps both his arms around Jensen's waist, and rests his head on Jensen's shoulder.
Jensen pats Jared's head awkwardly. "Nice to see you too," he says, mostly because he doesn't have anything else to say. When Jared smiles, he can feel it against his cheek. Jared's got no stubble, of course--Sam never does--and his face is surprisingly soft against Jensen. He finds he doesn't mind having Jared so close. It should probably be weird.
Mark looks like he does think it's weird, and Jensen hopes Mark doesn't post about Jared and Jensen's gayness online. He doubts it, but anything's possible.
Jared doesn't move and Mark makes excuses to go away soon after. Jensen prays he's not going to update his Livejournal. That's all Jensen needs.
Jensen shifts slightly, pats one of Jared's hands around his waist. "Something you want to tell me?" he asks.
"Just wanted to say hi," says Jared. And then he nuzzles Jensen and bounces off.
Seriously, Jared Padalecki is insane.
*
Tuesday, Jared holds Jensen's hand and makes him skip to their shoot. Kim raises his eyebrows when they get there.
"I let him have espresso," says Jensen.
"Because he loves me," says Jared, beaming.
Maybe Jared wants people to think he's gay.
It looks like it's working on Kim.
*
Wednesday, Jared sticks his hand in Jensen's back pocket and then plays footsie with him while they're playing their PSPs.
Jensen is 90% sure it's because Jared is trying to sabotage him, but that last 10% is a little worrying.
*
Thursday, Jared has a long day of tough shooting and falls asleep in the car on the way home, his head lolling on Jensen's shoulder. He drools, he snorts whenever the car turns sharply, and his hand is a heavy weight on Jensen's, but it doesn't occur to Jensen even once to wake him up.
When they get home, Jensen rouses him, and Jared's adorably sleepy and confused and Jensen takes his hand just to drag him inside. His head falls against Jensen's back as Jensen fumbles with the key, and Jensen practically has to carry him up the stairs to his bedroom. Which sucks, because Jared is gigantic.
When they get to the bed, Jensen deposits Jared and tries to just leave, but Jared catches him by the shirt and drags him into the bed.
Jensen's crushed under a billion pounds of Padalecki arms and legs, but Jared's snoring softly in Jensen's ear, and Jensen's pretty tired too, so he doesn't try to fight it.
They're going to have to talk about this soon.
*
Friday, everything goes horribly wrong.
It doesn't go wrong in the morning, because Jensen isn't conscious enough to have a conversation with Jared about the way Jared is maybe crossing some personal boundaries. A little. And Jensen doesn't mind, exactly, he's just confused.
Jared's practically bouncing in the car and Jensen finally puts his hand on Jared's thigh just to calm him down. And then Jared grins at him so brightly Jensen thinks he might go blind.
And they can't talk at work, so it's not until they get home that Jensen fucks everything up.
They're watching TV on the couch, sipping beers and unwinding a little, and Jared scoots closer and closer until, somehow, he's all tangled up in Jensen, limbs all around, and Jensen can't actually keep his bewilderment to himself.
"Jared," he says, "what the hell?"
It comes out kind of squeaky.
"What?" asks Jared.
"Dude, I know you don't believe in personal space, but seriously, this is kind of a lot even for you."
"Huh?"
Jensen gestures. "Seriously, what happened?"
Jared disentangles himself and runs his hand through his hair. He laughs, but he clearly doesn't mean it. "I thought--man. I thought you finally got it."
"Got what?" asks Jensen.
"You were holding my hand and we were--we seemed so in-sync and..." he shakes his head. "Jensen..."
Jensen's busy trying to figure out what Jared's talking about, so he doesn't see Jared coming until his lips are already against Jensen's.
It's not really a kiss, honestly. It's a brush of Jared's lips, dry and large, and Jensen can't even take stock of how they feel--it's over too quickly.
He doesn't realize his eyes were closed until he has to open them.
Jared's looking at him, eyes strong and steady. "I'm in love with you," he says. "God, Jensen, I'm so fucking gone for you."
Jensen can't breathe for a second. And then he says, horribly, "Suck on that, internet!"
Jared looks somewhere between crushed and confused, and Jensen actually claps his hand over his mouth. He didn't think real people did that.
He definitely never thought he did that.
"I just--" Jensen coughs, takes a breath, starts again. "You're always all over me at network stuff, and the internet thinks I'm gay for you and I--thought if I was all over you maybe they'd. Think you were gay for me." He laughs, and he doesn't mean it any more than Jared did. "It sounded better in my head."
Jared shakes his head, looks down at his hands. "Well," he says, "you were right. I'm gay for you. Congratulations."
Jensen swallows. It's not nearly as satisfying as he thought it would be.
Of course, he also never thought it would be true.
"Jared..." he tries.
"I'm going to bed," he says. "You're going to LA this weekend, right?"
"Yeah, but--"
"I'm not--Jensen, you know I'd never do... I don't know. You know I'd never, right?"
"You kind of did," Jensen says, before he can think better of it.
Jared looks stricken and then recovers, face sliding into something Jensen barely recognizes. "I guess I did. I'm sorry. I can--you can--you don't have to stay here. If it's--if you're worried. I won't be offended if you want to leave."
"I don't want to leave," says Jensen. "Jared, you're my best friend."
"Right," says Jared. He nods to himself, and then he goes to the stairs. "Goodnight."
"Night," Jensen echoes.
He stays there on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, until his alarm goes off for his flight.
He never sees anything up there.
*
When he gets to LA, he gets a taxi to Steve's without calling first and bribes the driver to risk both their lives to get him there faster.
Steve looks completely confused when he arrives. "What're you doing here?"
"Danneel invited me to this party," says Jensen.
"You guys broke up," Steve points out, letting him into his apartment.
"I told her I'd go with her before that. Turns out she still needed a date."
"You're spending your fucking birthday weekend hanging out with your ex?"
Jensen groans. He'd somehow forgotten. As a bonus, he's turning thirty-one. "Theoretically."
"Except for the part where you're here," agrees Steve. "So why are you here? Not that I'm not happy to see you, but you look like fucking hell."
"Jared's in love with me."
"Huh," says Steve, like he's not that surprised. "How do you know?"
"Because he fucking told me!"
"Jensen," says Steve, "your best friend told you he's in love with you and you still come down to LA to hang out with your ex-girlfriend?"
"Fuck," says Jensen.
"You suck, Jensen."
"You have no idea."
*
Jensen skips the party, ends up sleeping on Steve's couch all weekend and worrying.
It's--he doesn't mind that Jared's in love with him. He's honestly pretty flattered. But at the same time, he feels shitty. Because Jared's miserable and Jensen's in LA moping on Steve's couch, instead of making him feel better.
And he's kind of pissed at Jared for not telling him. Seriously, how long has this been going on? How long has Jared known? They're supposed to share everything, and secret gay lust? That's kind of a big deal.
Mostly, Jensen has no fucking clue what to do. The only thing he's really sure he wants to do is go online and post "JARED PADALECKI IS GAY FOR JENSEN ACKLES" on some gossip sites, but he knows that would be mean and wouldn't help anything. But damnit, he is totally not the gay one.
It's not as comforting as he thought it would be.
Steve drops him off at the airport Sunday night.
"What do I do?" he asks, feeling young and stupid. Which he pretty much is.
"Don't be an asshole," Steve suggests.
It's good advice.
Jared comes to get him in Vancouver, which makes him feel crappy. He wishes Jensen a happy birthday and doesn't hug him, which makes him feel even crappier. They head out to the car, Jensen quiet and Jared talking a mile a minute about what Jensen missed.
And that's the weirdest part: Jared is back to his usual bouncy self. He's smiling and laughing and acting totally normal, except that when he saw Jensen, he clearly nearly went to hug him and then...didn't.
Jensen never really feels like he's home until Jared hugs him; the lack of it makes his skin itch.
"How was Danneel?" asks Jared, carefully casual.
"I blew her off," says Jensen. "Hung out with Steve."
"How's he?"
"He told me not to be an asshole."
"Sounds pretty tough. Think you can handle it?"
Jensen looks over at Jared. Jared, who is in love with him. He swallows. "I hope so."
*
Jared is an awesome human being.
Jensen has always known this. Jared is, hands down, the best person Jensen has probably ever met. He's nice to everyone. He's upbeat, enthusiastic, smart, and funny. He's affectionate and he really cares.
It's pretty humbling that Jared is in love with him. Jensen can't quite believe it, honestly. It's not like Jensen has crappy self-esteem or anything--he's not Dean, seriously--but that doesn't mean he think he deserves someone like Jared.
And the way Jared is trying so hard to act normal while Jensen quietly and awkwardly freaks the fuck out?
He definitely doesn't deserve that.
*
It somehow doesn't get in the way of filming until Wednesday. On Wednesday, Sam is supposed to clap Dean on the shoulder and Jensen--Jensen is really excited for it.
Jared hasn't touched him since Friday, when Jensen fucked everything up. Not once. Not even casual brushes. And honestly, it's driving Jensen kind of crazy. Because it's--he'd gotten used to Jared being all over him. Now he feels kind of cold, like there are all these spots on his body Jared should be warming up and he isn't.
And Jared keeps flubbing his line.
In the scene, Jared's got a line and then Jensen has a retort and then Jared claps him on the shoulder.
But Jared can't get his line down. He's missed it ten times and it's getting ridiculous.
"Fuck," says their guest director. "Padalecki, get over here."
Jensen hangs back, watches the two confer. After a few minutes, the director says, "Take five, Ackles," and Jensen isn't shocked when he gets back and the shoulder-clap is out of the script.
Jared nails his next delivery, and Jensen completely botches his.
*
On Friday, Jensen touches Jared, and Jared flinches like he's been burned.
Jared goes away for most of Saturday, and Jensen wants to bang his head against the wall until his life stops sucking.
He thinks it would take a lot of banging.
*
In the end, he goes to a bar. He knows the entire time, from getting dressed to getting in the car to being driven over to going in, that this is a terrible idea. He knows he's going to regret it. But he doesn't fucking know what to do.
The girl he finds is cute and sweet and doesn't seem to know who he is. He buys her a drink--dark beer, a good one, one he likes--and she drinks it like a guy.
It never bothered him that he finds girls hot when they act like guys. He's never thought about it much before.
After another few rounds, she's leaning into him and he's leaning back, a little drunk and a lot desperate for the human contact. She smells like perfume, something simple and light, just a hint of summer on the air. There's no trace of dog or stage makeup.
When her lips finally settle on his, they don't go away after a second, and she's a good kisser. He kisses her back without thinking about it.
Instead, he's thinking about Jared, about the brief press of Jared's lips on his. He didn't get a long enough taste to compare, and he finds himself drunk enough to be wanting one.
He finds himself drunk enough that he thinks the girl's hands are too small, her body too fragile, her breasts too soft against him.
He doesn't find himself drunk enough that he can fuck her. They haven't done anything other than make out and Jensen finds himself pulling away, stuttering an apology, and fleeing.
Outside the bar, it's snowing a little even though it's fucking March, and he throws up on the whitening ground during the time it takes his car to come for him. It doesn't make him feel better, but it doesn't make him feel noticeably worse either.
At home, he washes his mouth out, brushes his teeth twice, and collapses into bed.
When he jerks off, he thinks of Jared, Jared's giant hands on his cock, Jared's lips against his ear, Jared all over him, everywhere.
He half-hopes he'll forget it in the morning, but knows he's not nearly drunk enough for that.
*
He doesn't forget, of course.
All through coffee, Jensen sits and thinks about it.
Jared is the single most important person in his life. And Jensen doesn't think it's just that Jared is his co-star. Jared is his best friend, his housemate, and the person Jensen not only doesn't mind seeing every day, but wants to see every day.
He realizes he doesn't want to lose track of Jared after Supernatural, which he always knew, but never thought about that much. He realizes he doesn't want to stop living with Jared after Supernatural, which is more of a surprise. He realizes he misses having Jared close to him, and that he really means close, because Jared's been mostly doing pretty well pretending nothing happened. He misses having Jared lean on him, hug him, hold his hand, nuzzle him, and generally be sappy and girly and ridiculous in his general direction.
He also realizes that last night he jerked off thinking about having sex with Jared.
It's kind of basic math, putting those things together: he's in love with Jared.
It shouldn't be scary, because Jared is in love with him too, and is probably still in love with him even though Jensen was kind of an asshole. Jensen can be kind of an asshole on a semi-regular basis; if that was a turn-off, Jared wouldn't be in love with him in the first place.
Huh.
It's kind of awesome, actually, now that he thinks about it.
Jared Padalecki is in love with him.
And he's in love with Jared Padalecki.
It's really awesome.
He should probably tell Jared about it.
It's noon by the time Jensen finishes his coffee and revelations, and he goes upstairs to check if Jared is even here. He isn't, which is a little worrying; Jared has other friends he can crash with, but it's still a bad sign. He's got to be pretty upset.
Jensen paces around for about ten minutes, coming up with increasingly ridiculous romantic-comedy ideas about how to find and woo Jared before deciding that he really isn't that gay.
He sends Jared a text instead: come home
It's another ten minutes before he gets Jared's reply: ok
*
Not knowing where Jared is, Jensen has no idea when he'll get home, and that triples Jensen's stress. He jumps at every noise and spends the entire time worrying that Jared will decide he's too much of a dick to pursue a relationship with. Which is probably irrational, but still worries him. He was a dick. Accidentally, yeah, but that's not the point.
The point is Jensen might have lost his best friend and potential boyfriend because he was trying to win in a fight with the internet.
He's contemplating bashing his head against something again when he hears the car and freezes.
He stays frozen as the key turns in the lock and Jared comes in and shoots him a confused look.
"Jensen?"
Jensen unfreezes. It takes effort. He waves awkwardly. "Hi."
"Hi," says Jared. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"
Jensen breathes out. This is Jared. It's going to be okay. "Yeah. Something did."
Jared goes into the kitchen and pours himself some juice. Jensen follows him.
Jared raises his eyebrows. "You gonna tell me or do I have to guess?"
Jensen takes a minute to just look at Jared. Jared's tall and broad and scary with the muscles. He's undeniably a guy, but Jensen has trouble caring as much about that as he thinks he should. Jared's not a guy. Jared is so much more than that.
"I miss you," Jensen blurts out.
"I was gone for a day," says Jared. "You've got codependency issues, man."
"No, I mean--shut up. I miss you being you. Hell, I miss last week when you were all over me."
"Gee, sorry my gay pain is losing you PDA," says Jared, going from light to hurt in no time.
"Not like that!" Jensen rubs his face. "Jesus fuck, Jared. I'm--I miss you. And I'm maybe possibly a little bit in love with you."
Jared drops his glass, and Jensen thinks of the season two premiere as he hears the shatter. Jensen laughed at the bizarre way the cup fell, the way Jared didn't even spill it properly, and Jared knocked against him, invaded his personal space, told him it was artistic and Jensen had no soul.
Jensen thinks both of them were already a done deal, even then.
"Maybe possibly?" asks Jared, halfway between pissed and hopeful.
"Uh," says Jensen. He looks down and rubs his neck. "Definitely completely. You fucker."
He can hear Jared swallow. "Prove it."
When Jensen looks up, Jared is staring at him, eyes dark and serious. Jensen swallows too. "What should I do? Poem? Dramatic reading? Interpretive dance?" he jokes.
Jared doesn't say anything, just keeps watching.
"Jesus," breathes Jensen. Then, louder, "At least get out of the kitchen. I'm not having sex with you on a pile of broken glass."
"Where are you having sex with me?" asks Jared, his voice unreadable.
"I dunno. Your place or mine?" asks Jensen. He's already headed out of the kitchen, and it's just a few seconds before he feels Jared behind him.
"Yours is closer," Jared says.
"Jesus," Jensen repeats, and he turns around to see Jared is right there.
They're kissing before Jensen is aware he's moved, but from the tiny whimper that escapes Jared, he's pretty sure he made the first move, and Jared thought he wouldn't.
He wants to be smug, but it seems like too much thought to divert from kissing Jared.
Jared is nothing like a girl; his mouth is huge, his hands are huge, and Jensen feels weird and small against him. Jared's hands are everywhere, so maybe that's why; Jared's hands raking up his back and in his hair and on his face, moving so fast it seems like they're everywhere.
"Dude," Jensen says, still touching Jared's mouth. "Slow down. I'm not going anywhere."
"You saying you want to go slow?" asks Jared, biting Jensen's lip when he's done.
"I don't want you to eat my face in your enthusiasm," says Jensen.
Jared laughs, and it feels awesome having that right against his face, feeling the rumble of Jared's chest against his.
"No face eating," Jared says. "Got it."
They're kissing again after that, and Jensen is dragging Jared towards his room. Jensen would ordinarily be freaked out about this, but having all of Jared's focus on him, feeling all of him pressed up close--it's everything he's wanted this last week and it makes it hard to think.
Besides, he's spent the last four years hearing about how he's having sex with Jared Padalecki. He wants to see if it's as good as he's heard it should be.
So far? Fucking yes.
The backs of Jensen's knees hit the bed, and Jared pushes him forward in the same moment Jensen pulls him back, and they tumble onto the bed. Jared laughs again, like he's so happy some kind of sound had to escape, and Jensen grins lazily.
"You see this coming?" he asks.
"God, I was hoping," says Jared. He works his hands under Jensen's t-shirt, pushes it over Jensen's head and gets to attacking Jensen's chest with his mouth, sucking in a nipple and swirling his tongue around it.
Jensen moans and feels Jared's grin on his chest, can't help thrusting his hips up as Jared bites softly.
He thinks about getting Jared's shirt off, but he's not sure it would be sufficient distraction, so he figures fuck it and sticks his hands down the back of Jared's pants to grope his ass.
"Fuck," Jared mouths. "Are we actually having sex?"
"What did you think we were doing?"
"I thought you were a straight guy who'd freak out if anyone's ass got too involved."
"You were engaged," says Jensen. "You're as straight as I am."
He absently wonders when he started arguing for Jared's straightness.
"Bi," says Jared. "Want to fuck me?"
Jensen tries to get his hand lower on Jared's ass, but his jeans get in the way. "Yes," he hisses instead.
"Then get your hand off my ass and into my pocket," says Jared.
Jensen obeys, and smirks at the condoms and lube. "You were really hoping, huh?"
"God, Jensen," Jared breathes, coming back up to Jensen's mouth. "You have no idea."
Jensen goes for Jared's fly as they kiss, sloppy tongues and wandering hands everywhere. Jared helps kick off his pants once Jensen gets them lower, and Jensen pulls back so he can flip the two of them over.
Jared under him, flushed and grinning and gorgeous, makes Jensen's heart thump in his chest. He said no to this? How did he ever say no to this?
He yanks off Jared's shirt so he can check out his chest. He's seen it before, of course, but it's different as a prelude to sex. And it kills time before he moves down, to the parts of Jared he's never seen.
Jared's cock is, well. It's a cock. It's gigantic, yeah, but Jensen pretty much saw that coming. When he thought about it, which was more often than he really admitted to anyone, himself included. He doesn't have much of an emotional connection to Jared's cock. He thinks maybe he should, but he guesses he has a while to get really attached to it.
It's also really fucking hard, which is hot. And when Jensen moves his hand down toward it, Jared whimpers and squirms and that? That's fucking amazing.
"I get the basic idea here," says Jensen, "but you got any tips?"
"If you don't touch me somewhere soon I'm going to kill you," says Jared.
"Helpful," says Jensen. He gets the lube and slicks up his fingers. "Should I suck you off first? Will that--"
"Your fingers, my ass, now," says Jared.
"God, you're pushy."
"I want to get fucked this century," says Jared, and then he moans, because Jensen puts his finger up Jared's ass.
He'd never really considered spending a Sunday morning like this, and that's evidence that he is insane, because--it's so hot in Jared, and tight, and Jensen has no idea how his dick is going to fit in there, but Jared seems to have faith it will, somehow.
He starts wriggling his finger around, kissing Jared again to keep himself from thinking about the weirdness that is exploring his best friend's asshole.
He hits what he knows must be the prostate from the way Jared breaks away from kissing him to curse.
Jensen gets another finger in and now Jared can't stop swearing. There's sweat at his temples and his neck and he's letting loose a steady stream of meaningless filth and this is the hottest thing that has ever happened to Jensen in his life.
"Nother," Jared finally manages, and Jensen stretches him out.
"You suck at foreplay, Padalecki," Jensen comments.
"God, we can do it long and slow later," says Jared. "Right now, you really need to fuck my brains out."
Jensen swallows. "So you're ready."
"I've been ready for years."
Later, Jensen is going to have some time-line questions, but right now, he has other things to do. Jared whimpers when Jensen's fingers come out, but he perks up to watch Jensen putting on the condom, eyes dark with want.
"See something you like?" Jensen asks, a little shaky.
"Something I love," says Jared. Seriously, only Jared would try to combine dirty talk with tender love confessions in the space of five minutes.
"Sap," says Jensen. "You wanna, uh--get on all fours? Or. Whatever you do. What do you do?"
Apparently those are the magic words, because Jared moves faster than Jensen can process and slams him down on the bed.
"Uh," says Jensen, as all the breath leaves his body.
And then Jared lowers himself, carefully and deliberately, onto Jensen's cock.
The feeling of being inside Jared, surrounded by him completely--Jensen doesn't think there are words. Amazing falls short. Perfect doesn't cut it. Fan-fucking-tastic is woefully inadequate.
And then Jared starts moving, tells Jensen to move, and they're working out a rhythm together, panting and moaning and it's unbelievable. Jensen's done as soon as he sees Jared take his own cock in his fist and Jared doesn't take much longer, coming in uneven spurts over his hand.
He slides off and settles down next to Jensen. It's sticky and nasty and Jensen manages to drag an old shirt over to wipe them down with. The whole time, Jared just watches him with this expression of uncertain wonder.
"What?" says Jensen when he's managed to sink the shirt in his hamper.
"If you say this was a fluke," says Jared, "I am never going to forgive you. And you'll break my heart and leave me useless forever."
Jensen leans over and kisses him, something softer and quieter than before. "Not a fluke."
"Yeah?" asks Jared.
"Yeah." And he reaches over to lace their fingers together, just to prove his point.
Jared's grin is amazing, and Jensen doesn't know how he didn't realize he was in love with that grin. Doesn't know how anyone couldn't be.
"What are you gonna tell the internet?" asks Jared.
Jensen can't help grinning back at Jared. "Nothing," he says. "They pretty much got it right."
They kiss again, kiss until Jensen's brain stops working, and that's fine by him.
There's nothing left to think about.