Caity's thing, aka procrastinating studying
because I'm a bad bad student.
Well, given the popularity of these facebook quizzes, most of which seem to be fairly dull, I've decided, in a desperate bid to waste your precious time, to create my own. Consider this the final exam of Futility 101. The exam will consist of a number of different sections. Answer all questions to the best of your ability; even incomplete answers may be counted for partial credit. Alright everybody, pencils down...up? No, down, down on the paper. Or up? Screw this, I'll be in my office. When you finish up, feel free to fuck the TA for extra credit.
Section 1:
Free association. Let's get those sluggish brains limbered up, shall we? You know how it goes, just write down the first thing that comes to mind when you read the word.
1. Shellfish - Paua and allergies
2. Earth - Mother Captain planet
3. Clothespin - Landry line, barefoot in a cotton dress
4. Mother - stalker
5. Pain - and bread and suffering
6. Coke - coke cola down south
7. Universe - nutshells
8. Monster - how should I feel, meg and dia
9. Cash - daddy
10. Street - same
Section 2:
Multiple Choice. Yeah, that's right. What always saves your ass. Now, let's see, what's the probability that my random guess will be right?
11. You're at the supermarket, stocking up on Hot Pockets and toilet paper, when to your complete astonishment, you spy noted actor Christopher Lee hanging out in the produce aisle. And goddamn does he look pissed about something! What would you estimate is the cause of his ill humor?
A. Some dick was just rude to his wife, and Christopher Lee is contemplating the most vicious beat down he's ever dealt out.
B. Lingering rage over the thought that the original negatives of The Wicker Man are buried somewhere under the M4 Motorway.
C. Still a bit disgruntled that he was cut from the theatrical release of The Return of the King
D. In a moment of lighthearted playfulness, he decapitated his last willing thrall, and thus has been forced to leave the comfort of his castle lair and do the grocery shopping himself.
>> I -think- I know who Christopher Lee is, so C
12. Your friend just told you that he's going to quit smoking. How do you respond?
A. Offer a high five and a bro-grab.
B. Ask for the rest of his cigarettes...you know, to help out.
C. Quit too, for solidarity.
D. Start smoking more, just so the universe stays balanced.
>> A. bleagh smoking.
13. In a last minute panic, you completely plagiarize your final paper. Unfortunately, your professor notices and calls you to his office for a little conversation. What is the best course of action to take?
A. Lie like crazy and hope for the best.
B. Offer sexual favors in exchange for clemency.
C. Totally come clean in a dramatic, show stopping performance that could well win you an Oscar. Maybe he will be so moved by your honesty that he'll act with some mercy.
D. Threaten to tell his wife about that weekend he spent with those choirboys. Who cares if he's guilty or not? Odds are he won't want to take that chance.
>> A, B, then D about B.
14. It's been over a year since you got laid, and things are looking dire. At your buddy Steve's housewarming party, a lady finally starts coming on to you. Unfortunately, she resembles a grub with male pattern baldness. What to do, what to do?
A. Stay the heck away from that. Desperation is an ugly thing. Not quite as ugly as she is, but you get the point.
B. Drink yourself into oblivion and hit that shit. Hopefully you won't remember much. And if you do, hopefully you won't be consumed by shame and self- loathing for the rest of your life.
C. Publicly humiliate her for being a big fat promiscuous uggo. It probably won't impress the other chicks there, but it'll feel damn good.
D. Ignore her and give Steve a blowjob. You forgot to bring a housewarming gift anyway.
>> Probably A, baldness doesn't even clean up well. Or, I don't know, is Steve hot? hah
15. Well, it's that time. You've decided to commit suicide, and want to go out with an unconventional bang. What is the best method?
A. Leap wildly towards president Obama and let the secret service do the rest.
B. Duct tape steaks to your naked body and jump into the tiger pit at the National Zoo.
C. Claim to be protesting the war against Belgium and set yourself on fire at a local shopping center. Probably pretty painful, but people will be perplexed by it for years.
D. Provoke the deity of your choice into righteously smiting you.
>> A, because then someone gets to be a "hero", too.
Section 3:
Short answer questions. Shouldn't be too stressful, right?
16. What is the best Elvis song? Summer Kisses Winter Tears, because that's all I can remember right now, and because the subject seems as flighty as me.
17. Is string theory really all it's cracked up to be? Crack Theory ain't all it's strung up to be.
18. Name the best cheese to use in a quiche. Probably Edam, melts well.
19. Which of your friends would you most like to see strip? I don't know, I'd probably feel like I was degrading them, or I would want to pay them in cupcakes or something. Among the girls? Probably RH, because though she's scrawny, she's got a nice rack and would probably be wearing a horse mask and an Alexander McQueen-styled dress, in a Cirque du Soleil/noise concert/space cadet/ absinthe themed show. That or JG. Cause she's hot.
20. Who are your two favorite comedians? Dunno.
21. Would it suck to be a rabbit? It would bite to be Bunnicula
22. Has post-colonial theory usurped gender theory as the bullshit you absolutely must use in your thesis? As my bullshit revolves around a genderless virus (bacteria colonize, viruses do not), YES.
23. What will be the next big hipster trend? CakeDogg
24. Do you ever have the urge to liberate a bunch of shopping carts and establish your own free-range shopping cart sanctuary where they can live out their lives free from the yoke of their cruel oppressors? I have the urge to put them back and use them for my own devious purposes.
25. How long can a pizza lay on your floor and still be fit for human consumption? Let's find out!
26. Is it safe? it's not a safe.
27. What is the best name for a hamster? I'm getting a brown and naming him cowboy.
28. Where is a good place to obtain a human skull? A human's head.
29. Do you think robots should have the capacity to love? Nope, I like love not being quanitfied or consistent. Gives me something to hide behind when i don't want to say it back.
30. Without references, could you draw a pterodactyl? Sure. it'd look like a duck.
Section 4:
Essay Questions. Ah, fuck. Well, there's only two. We're in the home stretch now!
31. In your own words, explain the carbon cycle. No less than five sentences!
Carbon goes in, carbon comes out.
32. What character from film/television/literature
are you most like? Give three examples of your similarities. I should watch some film and TV and read some lit maybe
Ok, pencils down! Up? Fuck this shit. Ok, you've survived, people. Anyway, you know the drill, tag people n shit, including me, so I can review your scores. Relax, you probably didn't tank your GPA.
-Professor McCarthyism
Well, given the popularity of these facebook quizzes, most of which seem to be fairly dull, I've decided, in a desperate bid to waste your precious time, to create my own. Consider this the final exam of Futility 101. The exam will consist of a number of different sections. Answer all questions to the best of your ability; even incomplete answers may be counted for partial credit. Alright everybody, pencils down...up? No, down, down on the paper. Or up? Screw this, I'll be in my office. When you finish up, feel free to fuck the TA for extra credit.
Section 1:
Free association. Let's get those sluggish brains limbered up, shall we? You know how it goes, just write down the first thing that comes to mind when you read the word.
1. Shellfish - Paua and allergies
2. Earth - Mother Captain planet
3. Clothespin - Landry line, barefoot in a cotton dress
4. Mother - stalker
5. Pain - and bread and suffering
6. Coke - coke cola down south
7. Universe - nutshells
8. Monster - how should I feel, meg and dia
9. Cash - daddy
10. Street - same
Section 2:
Multiple Choice. Yeah, that's right. What always saves your ass. Now, let's see, what's the probability that my random guess will be right?
11. You're at the supermarket, stocking up on Hot Pockets and toilet paper, when to your complete astonishment, you spy noted actor Christopher Lee hanging out in the produce aisle. And goddamn does he look pissed about something! What would you estimate is the cause of his ill humor?
A. Some dick was just rude to his wife, and Christopher Lee is contemplating the most vicious beat down he's ever dealt out.
B. Lingering rage over the thought that the original negatives of The Wicker Man are buried somewhere under the M4 Motorway.
C. Still a bit disgruntled that he was cut from the theatrical release of The Return of the King
D. In a moment of lighthearted playfulness, he decapitated his last willing thrall, and thus has been forced to leave the comfort of his castle lair and do the grocery shopping himself.
>> I -think- I know who Christopher Lee is, so C
12. Your friend just told you that he's going to quit smoking. How do you respond?
A. Offer a high five and a bro-grab.
B. Ask for the rest of his cigarettes...you know, to help out.
C. Quit too, for solidarity.
D. Start smoking more, just so the universe stays balanced.
>> A. bleagh smoking.
13. In a last minute panic, you completely plagiarize your final paper. Unfortunately, your professor notices and calls you to his office for a little conversation. What is the best course of action to take?
A. Lie like crazy and hope for the best.
B. Offer sexual favors in exchange for clemency.
C. Totally come clean in a dramatic, show stopping performance that could well win you an Oscar. Maybe he will be so moved by your honesty that he'll act with some mercy.
D. Threaten to tell his wife about that weekend he spent with those choirboys. Who cares if he's guilty or not? Odds are he won't want to take that chance.
>> A, B, then D about B.
14. It's been over a year since you got laid, and things are looking dire. At your buddy Steve's housewarming party, a lady finally starts coming on to you. Unfortunately, she resembles a grub with male pattern baldness. What to do, what to do?
A. Stay the heck away from that. Desperation is an ugly thing. Not quite as ugly as she is, but you get the point.
B. Drink yourself into oblivion and hit that shit. Hopefully you won't remember much. And if you do, hopefully you won't be consumed by shame and self- loathing for the rest of your life.
C. Publicly humiliate her for being a big fat promiscuous uggo. It probably won't impress the other chicks there, but it'll feel damn good.
D. Ignore her and give Steve a blowjob. You forgot to bring a housewarming gift anyway.
>> Probably A, baldness doesn't even clean up well. Or, I don't know, is Steve hot? hah
15. Well, it's that time. You've decided to commit suicide, and want to go out with an unconventional bang. What is the best method?
A. Leap wildly towards president Obama and let the secret service do the rest.
B. Duct tape steaks to your naked body and jump into the tiger pit at the National Zoo.
C. Claim to be protesting the war against Belgium and set yourself on fire at a local shopping center. Probably pretty painful, but people will be perplexed by it for years.
D. Provoke the deity of your choice into righteously smiting you.
>> A, because then someone gets to be a "hero", too.
Section 3:
Short answer questions. Shouldn't be too stressful, right?
16. What is the best Elvis song? Summer Kisses Winter Tears, because that's all I can remember right now, and because the subject seems as flighty as me.
17. Is string theory really all it's cracked up to be? Crack Theory ain't all it's strung up to be.
18. Name the best cheese to use in a quiche. Probably Edam, melts well.
19. Which of your friends would you most like to see strip? I don't know, I'd probably feel like I was degrading them, or I would want to pay them in cupcakes or something. Among the girls? Probably RH, because though she's scrawny, she's got a nice rack and would probably be wearing a horse mask and an Alexander McQueen-styled dress, in a Cirque du Soleil/noise concert/space cadet/ absinthe themed show. That or JG. Cause she's hot.
20. Who are your two favorite comedians? Dunno.
21. Would it suck to be a rabbit? It would bite to be Bunnicula
22. Has post-colonial theory usurped gender theory as the bullshit you absolutely must use in your thesis? As my bullshit revolves around a genderless virus (bacteria colonize, viruses do not), YES.
23. What will be the next big hipster trend? CakeDogg
24. Do you ever have the urge to liberate a bunch of shopping carts and establish your own free-range shopping cart sanctuary where they can live out their lives free from the yoke of their cruel oppressors? I have the urge to put them back and use them for my own devious purposes.
25. How long can a pizza lay on your floor and still be fit for human consumption? Let's find out!
26. Is it safe? it's not a safe.
27. What is the best name for a hamster? I'm getting a brown and naming him cowboy.
28. Where is a good place to obtain a human skull? A human's head.
29. Do you think robots should have the capacity to love? Nope, I like love not being quanitfied or consistent. Gives me something to hide behind when i don't want to say it back.
30. Without references, could you draw a pterodactyl? Sure. it'd look like a duck.
Section 4:
Essay Questions. Ah, fuck. Well, there's only two. We're in the home stretch now!
31. In your own words, explain the carbon cycle. No less than five sentences!
Carbon goes in, carbon comes out.
32. What character from film/television/literature
are you most like? Give three examples of your similarities. I should watch some film and TV and read some lit maybe
Ok, pencils down! Up? Fuck this shit. Ok, you've survived, people. Anyway, you know the drill, tag people n shit, including me, so I can review your scores. Relax, you probably didn't tank your GPA.
-Professor McCarthyism