2010 in Review
2010 was kind of a mixed bag for me, filled with high highs and low lows.
On the positive side of things, I have spent the bulk of the year surrounded by wonderful, beautiful friends from my program. It's the first time I've really had a tight-knit group of friends, and I am immensely grateful for them. At the risk of emo-tasticness, before this year, I had really thought of myself as a “utility friend” - helpful and knowledgeable, but kind of doomed never to find people that were really interested in me beyond my ability to accomplish things and remain level-headed while I did it. As it happens, there are actually people out there who are interested in the things I'm interested in, and - even more bizarrely - are interested in what I think about them. It's been a pretty wonderful revelation, tbh.
Speaking of wonderful, I also got to know bree_black this year, which is lucky, because as far as I can tell, she is my long lost brain-twin. It's actually a bit scary. She inspired me to get back into fandom (or at least lurking), and I've been back and reading since February. Despite my lack of actual participation, even reading again has been so so good for me. Immersing myself in fandom has helped to undo and/or bring to light some of the bizarre ideas about adulthood and womanhood that my previous job had imbued in me, and I'm quite relieved about that. I was also generally pleased with my academic performance in the spring semester, but that brings me to...
Things that were not so great about 2010. I went through the spring semester in burnout mode, having had my ass kicked by the winter semester, and no real break to speak of. I got through the spring semester, but my brain basically went on vacation for the summer. I accomplished essentially the bare minimum, putting me in a position where I needed to really get my ass in gear for the fall. Due to circumstances largely beyond my control, I spent much of the semester trying to keep a handle on life stuff as opposed to academic stuff, and really dug myself into a hole. I've also been struggling with fairly persistent low- to medium-grade depression throughout the year, which has only been exacerbated by my seeming inability to actually accomplish anything - and the further behind I get, the harder it seems to do anything at all.
Clearly, this requires some resolutions!
I'm going to get on a schedule. I've resolved to do this before, but I am SERIOUS this time. Starting tomorrow, I will be getting up at 9 and going to bed by 12:30, Monday to Friday. I will work on my thesis at least 4 solid hours per day (10-12 and 2-4). It doesn't sound like much, I know, but I think it will make a big difference.
I'm going to pay more attention to what I want. At the moment, I'm ridiculously indecisive about almost all aspects of my life. This is a function of depression, I think, and also the fact that flexibility has really served as a coping strategy for most of my life. I really need to become more assertive though, and to try to a.) figure out what I want and b.) go for it.
I'm going to say things, instead of second guessing myself and feeling stupid. I often assume that the people with whom I speak know more about everything than I do, and are thus more qualified to talk about it than I am. Increasingly, I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is not necessarily the case.
I'm going to post in my lj, and participate in fandom. I love fandom, and I love reading my friends page, so it makes sense to actually get involved. I also feel that writing casually is going to help me to write other things, which is a bonus.
I'm going to lose weight. I know, I know, cliche-alert! But seriously, I've gained weight this year, and it needs to go. I'm going to start going to Nia again, hopefully at least 3 times a month, and will also be trying to cook more healthily (expect cooking posts!) I think that the aforementioned schedule will also help to keep me on track. My goal is to lose at least 15 lbs this year (about what I've gained since starting grad school). My ideal weight is probably about 25 lbs away, but given that this goal is kind of secondary to the other ones, I'm going to go with a more conservative number.
I will FINISH MY MOTHERFUCKING THESIS.
I think that basically what it comes down to is self-confidence (and a general lack thereof). Luckily, I feel well-equipped to get there, and to achieve my goals. Let's do it up, 2011.
Now for something completely different...a little 2010 music review, pretty much for my own entertainment and interest.
In 2010 I went to :
Owen Pallett (x4! - openers Diamond Rings & Snowblink)
Woodhands
Stars
Shad
Backstreet Boys
5 music festivals + Divers/Cite (highlights : Basia Bulat, Arcade Fire, Ani DiFranco, Stars, Hidden Cameras and omg, the tacos at Hillside)
Bruce Peninsula
Diamond Rings
I'm hoping to get an actual mix together within the next couple of weeks, but favourite songs included (not all brand new, but certainly new-to-me) :
E is for Estranged - Owen Pallett
The Great Elsewhere - Owen Pallett
Cry When You Get Older - Robyn
Stereo Love - Edward Maya
The Rain - The Swell Season
Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons
Ghosts - Laura Marling
Skip Town - Nico Muhly
Tightrope - Janelle Monae
Cold War - Janelle Monae
I Wanna Show You Something in Heaven - Thomas
Go Do - Jonsi
Humdrum Town - Theophilus London
Your Hands (Together) - The New Pornographers
Rock Star 101 - Rihanna
Rude Boy - Rihanna
We're in a Thunderstorm - Gentleman Reg
Show Me Your Stuff - Diamond Rings
Like a G6 - Far East Movement (...shut up.)
Plus all of xx by The xx, Bon Iver's Blood Bank EP, Owen Pallett's A Swedish Love Story EP, and my latest obsession, Kanye West's My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (seriously guys, I know, but it's amazing).
In other news, I am expecting 8 (8!!!) packages in the mail, all of which are Christmas and/or Boxing Day-related. 2 of them are Lush! I am having a hard time articulating exactly how excited I am about this, but suffice it to say, if i had a gif of a monkey doing cartwheels, I would probably post it right here.