Chapter Four :: In Person//Video

[looseleafbook]

[Everyone should have found a small bundle of food and some first aid items wrapped in a blanket. It was separated to make sure that everyone got the same amount of the items. But there was an apple in every bundle! And if there are pets, some extra food for them.]

[Hours later]Hope everyone got everything alright, made sure the rooms were

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[Video]

[fallforthesky]

Thank you for doing this, Lavi.

[The video feed on Lenalee's end reveals that she's sitting on the floor next to her door, with the bundle half-open in her lap. She looks exhausted and is turning the apple over and over in her hands.]

[Eventually:] ...no.

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[fallforthesky]

[Lenalee tries her best to match his laugh (again), but it doesn't quite make it. Again. So he isn't-- won't be? god, it's confusing-- gone yet. Not really. Before she can stop herself:] Thank goodness.

[Only she shouldn't feel thankful about it at all. Regardless of whether or not he's been kidnapped yet in his memory, it doesn't change the fact that it will happen. So a moment later, it's her hand tightening against his back while she ducks her head.] ...so I'm ahead of you, then.

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[looseleafbook]

[It's a response that has him looking at her in a confused and worried way. And the question is clear all over his face, what's happening that you're not telling me?

But he doesn't want to ask, doesn't want to upset her... So Lavi sighs and sets his chin on her shoulder if he can.]

Is everyone else alright?

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[fallforthesky]

[He can. And she's shaking her head slightly against his shoulder, because she doesn't want to say it. Is it really her place to? She told Allen, and the guilt over it still hasn't left.]

[But she can't tell Allen and not tell Lavi. It isn't fair to any of them.]

...not really.

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[looseleafbook]

[Being left in the dark is a terrible feeling, especially when you know it's important. Know that you're somehow involved in part of it. Yet no one wants to tell you a single thing, how can you change it if you don't know what it is.

He stiffens a little, eye squeezed shut. That was what he was dreading.]

Who's hurt, Lena?

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[fallforthesky]

The lucky ones.

[She's quiet, though the way she tightens her hold on him may speak loudly enough that she doesn't have to.]

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[looseleafbook]

[That's not good. What the hell is going on when being injured is a good thing? Lavi sighs and rests his forehead on her shoulder now, blocking out the light.]

Things are that bad...? [He still had to know, though.] What about Gramps?

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[fallforthesky]

[Oh. Here's the hardest part.

Already.]

I... I don't know, Lavi. He's-- with you. [Reaches up to stroke his hair with one hand, teeth grit. Tenuously:] They-- the Finders brought Chaoji home. There's... something wrong with him. An unknown pathogen. We're not sure if he's going to...

["--make it."]

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[looseleafbook]

[Freezes a little, Chaoji had been with them and if anything had happened to the new Exorcist... Lavi certainly blamed himself. He gripped the fabric of her jacket tight, right now he couldn't feel guilty. Couldn't let that show in front of Lenalee. But...if Gramps was with him and Lenalee didn't know... Where had they gone? Was it that Noah's fault? No, he took the blame himself, whatever had happened was because he hadn't been strong enough. And in a way he had always known he wasn't strong like the rest of them were, wasn't connected as well to his Innocence.]

I'm sorry... I was supposed to watch him...

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[fallforthesky]

[Lavi's thought process... Lenalee can guess at least some of it by how he grips at her uniform. She takes a shaky breath, cradling his head with a hand. What is she supposed to say? She can barely keep herself composed, much less someone else.]

It's... fine. No one blames you.

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[looseleafbook]

[It was useless hiding things like that from her, wasn't it? He should remember that better, it's Lenalee, the person that watches them all the most just to keep her World a little longer.

The childish part of him wants to burst out and say that it's not fine, that even if they didn't say it they would blame him. It's his fault. But he bites his tongue, he can't do that. It'll just make her cry again and probably draw Kanda's attention and he'll get in trouble.

So he stays quiet, trying to gather himself back up into a proper Exorcist if not a Bookman, it's a little too out of reach for him at the moment.]

So there's no word of where Gramps and I are?

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[fallforthesky]

[If he did try and place the blame on himself, she would just as quickly retaliate that it's no more his fault that things went to hell than it is hers that she couldn't save Goushi. They aren't in control anymore. Hell-- it's debatable if they ever were in control. It had felt like it after they gained the Ark, but maybe they'd all just been hoping a little too hard.]

[Shakes her head against him, and look at that, she even manages to keep her voice level this time.]

You're both... MIA. We lost contact with you once... once the Noah ambushed us.

[And it scares her, because in a war like this, 'MIA' is just sugarcoating-- a nicer way of saying 'dead'. But she refuses to believe it. She won't believe it when she has him in her arms, right here, right now, even if it's only because of Libitina playing God with timelines.]

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[looseleafbook]

[One could say they lost that when they were found compatible, they had to do what the Innocence would deem acceptable and sometimes that might not even go along with what they personally believed. Everything they've done or haven't done was because of what the Innocence and Dark Matter made them do, they're not at the helm.

He didn't hear anything after MIA, eye wide with shock. That could mean only one thing since there weren't any bodies, identifiable or otherwise, they had been captured. Gramps wouldn't let them run off in the middle of a fight because they were fighting when he had been pulled

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[fallforthesky]

[Lenalee's doing her best to provide that solidity he needs, sinking both hands into the back of his coat and holding him to her like a mother might-- it's like Matron used to do for her, and that's the closest she can guess-- and it's so difficult when she can practically feel him tensing with realization. She leans her head against his and makes a soft shushing sound, just barely audible.]

I'm sorry.

[She can't say 'It's going to be okay', because she doesn't know if it will be.]

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[looseleafbook]

[It almost breaks him down to tears, that sort of hold. Something that he had never really gotten experience until now, but he wouldn't have wanted to get it from anyone else but Lenalee. She's so much like an anchor in his own world, temporary as it might be, but she's always there for them and filled with such compassion. It always tears at that heart he's not supposed to have.

He swallows the hitch in his breathing, swallowing the fear and the tears. Lets out a small - slightly hysterical - laugh and grips her coat a little tighter.]

It's alright. At least now I know...right?

[Lavi lets himself stay like that a moment longer, trying to imprint the way everything feels on his infallible memory then pulls back, straightening and forcing a grin on his face.]

Here I am supposed to be making you cheer up and ruining it all like this.

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[fallforthesky]

[She's loathe to let him go after that laugh-- a decade of her life thrown away to the War and Lenalee knows those kinds of laughs are the last-ditch alternative to breaking down-- but what makes her want to hang onto him until the veritable end of the world is that tiny hitch in his breath just before it. Fuelled by pure desperation; that's Lenalee right now. So she struggles to hang onto him for as long as he'll stay in her arms, biting on her own lip until she swears she can taste blood without making a cut.

Then, when he pulls back, she lets go. So gingerly it's almost mechanical, but she lets go. The steady swell of guilt has begun to warm her stomach unpleasantly, and it shows in the unsteady twitch of her lips that is her trying to match his forced smile. Oh, well.] We could always try erasing the last year of our lives. That might be easier.

[Gallows humour. Not really her thing. It comes out so genuine.]