Cymbeline: Abridged, Act One: Scene Four, Five
Note: This play has Decapitation, misogynistic language and a guy wanting to rape his step-sister, among other things. The abridged version will have those things as well. Please read at your own discretion. ♥
Act One: Scene Four
Enter: Philario, Iachimo, a Frenchman, a Dutchman and a Spaniard
Iachimo: So, I've seen this guy. In Britain. He was awesome, and had a lot of endowments ifyouknowwhatImean.
Philario: You're talking about when he had less swag than now? And you're still impressed? That must be some guy!
Frenchy: I saw him in France! He looked so cool! And so distinctive, like and Eagle of AWESOME.
Iachimo: I bet part of it is because he married that Princess, and everyone sees him as "the guy who married that bitch I mean Princess".
Frenchy: And then he was banished, poor guy.
Iachimo: And everyone sees him as some ~tragic hero~ because of it. Blagh.
Philario: I was a soldier with his father, so I need to I need to be buds with him.
Enter: Posthumus
Philario: [cont] Here comes the British guy! We're going to be awesome because we know this awesome guy! He's so cool. But you all are going to have to make up your own minds, I'm not going to tell you anymore about him.
Frenchy: OHMYGOD Posthumus! I've known you since Orleans!
Posthumus: How's it hanging? I need have debts I need to pay you and stuff like that!
Frenchy: OHMYGOD. He's talking to me! You're too kind too me. ;_; I'm glad I could have stopped the fight between Britonites and Frenchmen.
Posthumus: I was young, and stupid, and I'm sorry for starting the fight in the first place.
Iachimo: What was the fight even about?
Frenchy: It was this huge public argument about our country's ladies. French girls are the best, of course, but this guy just didn't get it, and he kept claiming that his lady was the best.
Iachimo: Well, she must be dead or annoyed about having to live up to his expectations.
Posthumus: BUT MY LADY IS SO SUPERSPECIALAWESOMEPERFECTSHUTUP.
Iachimo: Italian girls are-
Posthumus: PERFECT. SHE. IS. PERFECT.
Iachimo: I've never seen her before, so how can I say that she is actually perfect?
Posthumus: BECAUSE I SAID SO. SHE'S SO PERFECT, AND PURE, AND LOVELY. AND PURE.
Iachimo: Let's make a bet! I'll go visit her, and if I manage to have sex with her, I win. If she doesn't have sex with me, you win.
Posthumus: ...Are you insane.
Iachimo: 10,000 Ducats against your ring? If I can bring superproof to you?
Posthumus: Sure! I see absolutely no way that this can go wrong at all. And if you can't find any proof, never be around me, but if you manage it, we can be besties because you'll prove she's a whore, and not worth my time!
Iachimo: Schweet.
Exit: Everyone
End: Act One, Scene Four
Act One: Scene Five
Enter: The Queen, Random Ladies, and Doctor Cornelius
The Queen: Oh ladies~ I'm not evil, now go pick those flowers okay? Okay.
Exit: The Random Ladies
The Queen: Oh Doctor~ Did you bring the drugs I wanted to prove that I'm not a villain?
Cornelius: Yep. Here you go, even though I feel very worried about giving you a box of poisons that cause slow deaths. Can I ask why you want them?
The Queen: I make perfumes and what not, and you want to accuse me of being evil? How dare you?! No, I just want to poison small, cute, helpless animals, and see if there are ways to make the poisons not work on humans.
Cornelius: You're just a weak woman, and seeing them all die will make you a sad panda. Please don't do it.
The Queen: Fuk u bitch, I'm the Queen, I do what I want. I'm also not evil.
Enter: Pisanio
Cornelius: I suspect that you're up to something, but it's not going to work. It will put dogs and cats to sleep, but in people it will just give them Juliet syndrome. Doctor Cornelius out!
Exit: Doctor Cornelius
The Queen: Hey, Pisanio, take these magical poison bottle things, and give one to your mistress when she's feeling down, it will feel her up.
Pisanio: Okay, and if I'm ever unloyal, I'll kill myself. Sound good?
Exit: Everyone