Geeky plus Funny
Sharing the amusing
http://www.startrek.com/startrek/view/features/specials/article/7660.html
Masses of jokes stolen
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all commentsbecome null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like noth- ing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Human Resources Dept. X-Mas Party Blues. ...Though many have prolly seen this, I find it so amusing -- y'all should read it again, and new readers should especially enjoy!
Subject: Christmas Party
>December 1st
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
>Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open
>Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and
>a small band playing traditional carols .. feel free to
>sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
>dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!
>Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
>time; however, no gift should be over $10.
>Merry Christmas to you and your family.
>Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
>--------------------------------------------------------------- ---------
>December 2nd
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
>Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
>important holiday that often coincides with Christmas
>(though unfortunately not this year). However, from
>now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
>applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at
>this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
>Christmas carols sung.
>Happy Holidays to you and your family.
>Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
>--------------------------------------------------------------- -------
>December 3rd
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member
>of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy
>to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I
>put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you
>won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about
>the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since
>the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
>Patty Lewis
>Human Researchers Director
>--------------------------------------------------------------- -------
December 7th
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to
>sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant
>women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to
>sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
>the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there
>will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
>Happy now?
>Patty Lewis
>Human Racehorses Director
>--------------------------------------------------------------- -------
>December 9th
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by
>wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the
>anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is
>no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
>suit."
>Patty Lewis
>Human Ratraces
>--------------------------------------------------------------- -------
>December 10th
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're
>going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether
>you like it or not, you can just sit at the table
>farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and
>you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic
>tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
>They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
>scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you
>all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
>The Witch from Hell
>--------------------------------------------------------------- -------
>December 14th
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis
>a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.
'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
>sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
>cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
>afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
>Terri Bishop
The Ant and the Grasshopper. My political joke for the day.
The Ant and the Grasshopper
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, CNN, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Tom Daschle , Dick Gephart, Hillary Clinton and Howard Dean exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican.
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete
the woman thanks the judge and says "Now I have to arrange for a Get."
The judge inquires what she means by a Get. So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to
receive a divorce.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?"
She replies "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire schmuck."
1972 vs. 2002
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1972: KEG
2002: EKG
1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm
1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly
1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage
1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer
1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM
1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian
1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint
1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones
1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office
1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system
1972: Disco
2002: Costco
1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test
1972: Whatever
2002: Depends
100% from a Mathematical Viewpoint
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
- What makes 100%?
- What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
- Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?
- We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
give over 100%.
- How about achieving 103%?
- Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
..And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
- So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
- While, hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, attitude will get you there,
- Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!
Four Catholic Ladies
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2",hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God......"
Four Catholic Ladies
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2",hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God......"
Joke #2: The Viagra Contest. (Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds)
The boss of Stone Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. The top ten:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!
9 Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs...
http://www.startrek.com/startrek/view/features/specials/article/7660.html
Masses of jokes stolen
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all commentsbecome null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like noth- ing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Human Resources Dept. X-Mas Party Blues. ...Though many have prolly seen this, I find it so amusing -- y'all should read it again, and new readers should especially enjoy!
Subject: Christmas Party
>December 1st
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
>Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open
>Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and
>a small band playing traditional carols .. feel free to
>sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
>dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!
>Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
>time; however, no gift should be over $10.
>Merry Christmas to you and your family.
>Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
>--------------------------------------------------------------- ---------
>December 2nd
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
>Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
>important holiday that often coincides with Christmas
>(though unfortunately not this year). However, from
>now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
>applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at
>this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
>Christmas carols sung.
>Happy Holidays to you and your family.
>Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
>--------------------------------------------------------------- -------
>December 3rd
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member
>of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy
>to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I
>put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you
>won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about
>the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since
>the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
>Patty Lewis
>Human Researchers Director
>--------------------------------------------------------------- -------
December 7th
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to
>sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant
>women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to
>sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
>the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there
>will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
>Happy now?
>Patty Lewis
>Human Racehorses Director
>--------------------------------------------------------------- -------
>December 9th
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by
>wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the
>anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is
>no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
>suit."
>Patty Lewis
>Human Ratraces
>--------------------------------------------------------------- -------
>December 10th
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're
>going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether
>you like it or not, you can just sit at the table
>farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and
>you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic
>tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
>They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
>scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you
>all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
>The Witch from Hell
>--------------------------------------------------------------- -------
>December 14th
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis
>a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.
'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
>sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
>cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
>afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
>Terri Bishop
The Ant and the Grasshopper. My political joke for the day.
The Ant and the Grasshopper
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, CNN, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Tom Daschle , Dick Gephart, Hillary Clinton and Howard Dean exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican.
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete
the woman thanks the judge and says "Now I have to arrange for a Get."
The judge inquires what she means by a Get. So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to
receive a divorce.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?"
She replies "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire schmuck."
1972 vs. 2002
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1972: KEG
2002: EKG
1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm
1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly
1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage
1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer
1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM
1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian
1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint
1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones
1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office
1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system
1972: Disco
2002: Costco
1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test
1972: Whatever
2002: Depends
100% from a Mathematical Viewpoint
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
- What makes 100%?
- What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
- Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?
- We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
give over 100%.
- How about achieving 103%?
- Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
..And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
- So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
- While, hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, attitude will get you there,
- Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!
Four Catholic Ladies
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2",hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God......"
Four Catholic Ladies
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2",hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God......"
Joke #2: The Viagra Contest. (Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds)
The boss of Stone Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. The top ten:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!
9 Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs...