Let's Watch Umineko no Naku Koro ni! (Episode 1, Part 2)
Our action moves upstairs, where Professor Snape and a couple of servants are trying to get Snape's father Zeus to come out of his room and greet the rest of the family.
Zeus is not on board with this plan.
"CAN'T A GUY MASTURBATE IN THIS HOUSE!?"- Kinzo Ushiromiya
Snape gives up, declaring that Zeus hates him, and he and this random-servant-who-still-merits-an-introduction-for-some-reason leave.
"Go to Hollywood, Mother said. You'll be a star, Mother said."- Ronoue Genji
Back downstairs, Shannon and the cousins come inside to catch some lunch. On the way in, the camera abruptly jump-cuts to a closeup of a painting.
Golden Witch Beatrice, seen here watching you masturbate.
Battler doesn't recognize the painting, and Shannon explains that Zeus had it painted two years ago.
Maria, ever the treasure trove of useless trivia, claims the painting is of Beatrice. George and Jessica further explain that Beatrice is a "witch", and that Zeus has it in his head that she really exists. Battler chuckles at the idea, because who doesn't find their grandfather's crippling Alzheimer's hilarious?
As the family eats lunch, Battler gives us some backstory on Zeus and why he's such hot shit around these parts.
According to Battler, the Ushiromiya family was extremely wealthy until the early 20th century, when an earthquake in 1923 destroyed the main branch of the family and the entire family fortune was lost. (Keeping your entire fortune in one place known for its earthquakes may seem stupid to you, but keep in mind that we've already established that inbreeding is commonplace in this family.) The rest of the Ushiromiya clan decided that Zeus would be entrusted with the responsibility of making them all rich again, because nothing says "family" like losing all your money and making your son earn it back for you.
Zeus, however, had unbelievably good luck, and worked miracles! Within twenty years, the Ushiromiya family was back on top again. It was like magic. Magic, like, the kind witches do. It was almost like Zeus had a witch helping him. A witch like Beatrice.
Kinzo Ushiromiya, seen here watching Beatrice watching you masturbate.
But that's silly because witches don't exist, Zeus is just great so anyway moving on!
While the kids run off to go bash Maria's head on some rocks and see if she bleeds red, or fucking whatever, the grown-ups meet up to discuss Zeus's "assets". I really hope they're talking about his mon-SWEET MAMMA JAMMA.
Look at those things. It's like Pamela Anderson had a baby with a beach ball. Even Snape can't keep his eyes off of them, and if all the fanfiction I've read is any indication he is 120% gay.
This lovely lady is Natsuhi Ushiromiya or something, she's Snape's wife and I wish I could hate him to death for this, why is she married? I am seriously beginning to suspect that this show was created to murder me through my libido.
Anyway, the other adults start passive-aggressively pointing out that Snape's been using up a lot of money lately, money he shouldn't have without any backers. Rudolf (Battler's father, in case you forgot) accuses him of diverting money from Zeus' fortune to his own account, and Natsuhi's breasts don't take it we-
Oh, oh okay, now this is just not fair, is what this is, I need to go lay down.
You still there? Okay, anyway, Natsuhi's breasts are furious with Blitzen and the other heirs for their accusations, claiming that Snape is the first in line for the fortune and the rightful heir.
Eva, deciding to earn the Queen Bitch of the Year award, chews out Natsuhi's breasts with an epic burn, calling her a lowly maidservant and a borrowed womb to bear Snape's child.
Natsuhi's breasts take it badly, and Snape asks her to leave. She flees the room to go have a cry in the hallway while that creepy hobgoblin from earlier watches her, presumably waiting to collect and drink the tears when she's done.
There there, Natsuhi. Come to BF, I'll- no, no, you know how this ends. Be strong.
Meanwhile the kids, having found that Maria's skull is far harder than any rock Rokkenjima has to offer, come back inside, whereupon Battler notices a weird podium thing with an inscription on it.
Jessica explains that the inscription is an epithet written by Zeus, while Maria claims that the inscription tells where Zeus' secret fortune of ten tons of gold bullion is hidden. Jessica shoots her down, saying that the ten tons of gold is just a myth.
Battler elaborates for us, explaining that whenever asked about how he gathered his capital back in the early days of his career, Zeus tells people that he made a contract with the Golden Witch, Beatrice. In exchange for his soul, she gave him ten tons of gold. (Editor's note: selling your soul has never worked out well for anybody in the entire history of fiction, ever. Don't do it. It is the stupidest thing you can do.)
Battler laughs at the idea and claims that witches aren't real, giving us a nice view of his incredibly feminine eyelashes while he's at it.
"Iyaa~aaan, Boat-san~!"- Battler Ushiromiya
Maria gets all pissy, spouting more indignant "Uuus" than a cockblocked Furby.
Jessica tells Battler not to crush the little girl's dreams, ignoring the fact that she just did the same thing three paragraphs ago, and Battler quickly pretends that he was just kidding and that he really believes in Beatrice. Maria's rampant ADD thus appeased, Jessica leads the group down to the beach to have a picnic. Before he leaves, Battler takes one last scoff at the painting of Beatrice, apparently finding his ancient grandfather's belief in a witch more pathetic than the fact that he himself is completely whipped by his nine-year-old cousin.
Meanwhile, back with the adults, negotiations are under way.
Stalin, Queen Bitch, and Donner are willing to allow Snape to control the inheritance on a couple of conditions.
1) Snape has to admit that he found Zeus's gold
2) He has to acknowledge each sibling's right to a portion of the gold, and pay it accordingly
3) The successor to the family gets 50% of the gold, while the remainder will be divided among the other siblings
4) The division will be carried out when Zeus bites it, but before that, Snape has to pay each of the other 3 siblings 10% of their share as a deposit.
Snape doesn't seem too pleased with the conditions, and he certainly doesn't seem happy with the fact that his brother and sisters are ganging up on him. He reveals he can dish it as well as take it, however, pointing out the reasons why each sibling seems to want the money so badly: Stalin and Queen Bitch's company is being bought up by their competitors, Comet is involved in some kind of legal dispute in America and needs money for a settlement fee, and Rosa is struggling to get by as a single mother.
"MY DAUGHTER IS PERFECTLY NORMAL."- Rosa Ushiromiya
Rosa flips out on Snape, and the other siblings don't seem quite so cocksure anymore. Snape mocks them, saying that he certainly wouldn't mind helping them out, but he's broke too, and then sarcastically suggests that the 4 of them should go on a treasure hunt to find Beatrice's gold.
You know, if it weren't for Natsuhi's breasts, I think Snape would be my favorite character on this show.
"Just as planned."- Krauss Ushiromiya
Zeus is not on board with this plan.
"CAN'T A GUY MASTURBATE IN THIS HOUSE!?"- Kinzo Ushiromiya
Snape gives up, declaring that Zeus hates him, and he and this random-servant-who-still-merits-an-introduction-for-some-reason leave.
"Go to Hollywood, Mother said. You'll be a star, Mother said."- Ronoue Genji
Back downstairs, Shannon and the cousins come inside to catch some lunch. On the way in, the camera abruptly jump-cuts to a closeup of a painting.
Golden Witch Beatrice, seen here watching you masturbate.
Battler doesn't recognize the painting, and Shannon explains that Zeus had it painted two years ago.
Maria, ever the treasure trove of useless trivia, claims the painting is of Beatrice. George and Jessica further explain that Beatrice is a "witch", and that Zeus has it in his head that she really exists. Battler chuckles at the idea, because who doesn't find their grandfather's crippling Alzheimer's hilarious?
As the family eats lunch, Battler gives us some backstory on Zeus and why he's such hot shit around these parts.
According to Battler, the Ushiromiya family was extremely wealthy until the early 20th century, when an earthquake in 1923 destroyed the main branch of the family and the entire family fortune was lost. (Keeping your entire fortune in one place known for its earthquakes may seem stupid to you, but keep in mind that we've already established that inbreeding is commonplace in this family.) The rest of the Ushiromiya clan decided that Zeus would be entrusted with the responsibility of making them all rich again, because nothing says "family" like losing all your money and making your son earn it back for you.
Zeus, however, had unbelievably good luck, and worked miracles! Within twenty years, the Ushiromiya family was back on top again. It was like magic. Magic, like, the kind witches do. It was almost like Zeus had a witch helping him. A witch like Beatrice.
Kinzo Ushiromiya, seen here watching Beatrice watching you masturbate.
But that's silly because witches don't exist, Zeus is just great so anyway moving on!
While the kids run off to go bash Maria's head on some rocks and see if she bleeds red, or fucking whatever, the grown-ups meet up to discuss Zeus's "assets". I really hope they're talking about his mon-SWEET MAMMA JAMMA.
Look at those things. It's like Pamela Anderson had a baby with a beach ball. Even Snape can't keep his eyes off of them, and if all the fanfiction I've read is any indication he is 120% gay.
This lovely lady is Natsuhi Ushiromiya or something, she's Snape's wife and I wish I could hate him to death for this, why is she married? I am seriously beginning to suspect that this show was created to murder me through my libido.
Anyway, the other adults start passive-aggressively pointing out that Snape's been using up a lot of money lately, money he shouldn't have without any backers. Rudolf (Battler's father, in case you forgot) accuses him of diverting money from Zeus' fortune to his own account, and Natsuhi's breasts don't take it we-
Oh, oh okay, now this is just not fair, is what this is, I need to go lay down.
You still there? Okay, anyway, Natsuhi's breasts are furious with Blitzen and the other heirs for their accusations, claiming that Snape is the first in line for the fortune and the rightful heir.
Eva, deciding to earn the Queen Bitch of the Year award, chews out Natsuhi's breasts with an epic burn, calling her a lowly maidservant and a borrowed womb to bear Snape's child.
Natsuhi's breasts take it badly, and Snape asks her to leave. She flees the room to go have a cry in the hallway while that creepy hobgoblin from earlier watches her, presumably waiting to collect and drink the tears when she's done.
There there, Natsuhi. Come to BF, I'll- no, no, you know how this ends. Be strong.
Meanwhile the kids, having found that Maria's skull is far harder than any rock Rokkenjima has to offer, come back inside, whereupon Battler notices a weird podium thing with an inscription on it.
Jessica explains that the inscription is an epithet written by Zeus, while Maria claims that the inscription tells where Zeus' secret fortune of ten tons of gold bullion is hidden. Jessica shoots her down, saying that the ten tons of gold is just a myth.
Battler elaborates for us, explaining that whenever asked about how he gathered his capital back in the early days of his career, Zeus tells people that he made a contract with the Golden Witch, Beatrice. In exchange for his soul, she gave him ten tons of gold. (Editor's note: selling your soul has never worked out well for anybody in the entire history of fiction, ever. Don't do it. It is the stupidest thing you can do.)
Battler laughs at the idea and claims that witches aren't real, giving us a nice view of his incredibly feminine eyelashes while he's at it.
"Iyaa~aaan, Boat-san~!"- Battler Ushiromiya
Maria gets all pissy, spouting more indignant "Uuus" than a cockblocked Furby.
Jessica tells Battler not to crush the little girl's dreams, ignoring the fact that she just did the same thing three paragraphs ago, and Battler quickly pretends that he was just kidding and that he really believes in Beatrice. Maria's rampant ADD thus appeased, Jessica leads the group down to the beach to have a picnic. Before he leaves, Battler takes one last scoff at the painting of Beatrice, apparently finding his ancient grandfather's belief in a witch more pathetic than the fact that he himself is completely whipped by his nine-year-old cousin.
Meanwhile, back with the adults, negotiations are under way.
Stalin, Queen Bitch, and Donner are willing to allow Snape to control the inheritance on a couple of conditions.
1) Snape has to admit that he found Zeus's gold
2) He has to acknowledge each sibling's right to a portion of the gold, and pay it accordingly
3) The successor to the family gets 50% of the gold, while the remainder will be divided among the other siblings
4) The division will be carried out when Zeus bites it, but before that, Snape has to pay each of the other 3 siblings 10% of their share as a deposit.
Snape doesn't seem too pleased with the conditions, and he certainly doesn't seem happy with the fact that his brother and sisters are ganging up on him. He reveals he can dish it as well as take it, however, pointing out the reasons why each sibling seems to want the money so badly: Stalin and Queen Bitch's company is being bought up by their competitors, Comet is involved in some kind of legal dispute in America and needs money for a settlement fee, and Rosa is struggling to get by as a single mother.
"MY DAUGHTER IS PERFECTLY NORMAL."- Rosa Ushiromiya
Rosa flips out on Snape, and the other siblings don't seem quite so cocksure anymore. Snape mocks them, saying that he certainly wouldn't mind helping them out, but he's broke too, and then sarcastically suggests that the 4 of them should go on a treasure hunt to find Beatrice's gold.
You know, if it weren't for Natsuhi's breasts, I think Snape would be my favorite character on this show.
"Just as planned."- Krauss Ushiromiya