cut sketch
INT. LIVING ROOM
We join DEBRA, who is sitting on a couch and absent-mindedly flipping through channels, chatting away on the phone.
DEBRA
Yeah, the kid's not so bad, I guess. Babysitting's pretty easy when it comes right down to it. It's all pretty basic stuff. Make sure they brush their teeth, keep them out of the ice cream, don't let them bring Mr. Toaster into the bathtub... Yeah, I'm never making that mistake again. I'm telling you, Jenny, this is a great way to make 20 bucks. ...Oh, hang on, I'm getting another call.
Debra moves to answer the phone; we hear creepy, heavy breathing coming from over the line.
DEBRA
Hello? ...Hello? Who is this? Is this Tiffany?
KILLER
You're gonna die tonight, Debra...
DEBRA
I knew it was you, Tiffany! I told you to stop calling me!
KILLER
What? Who the hell is- never mind. I'm coming for you, Debra. Don't turn your back...
Debra just looks annoyed, and goes back to her original caller.
DEBRA
Jenny? Yeah, no, I think it was just Tiffany calling me with death threats again. Her voice was a little less creepy than usual, though. So anyway, Billy's been pretty good tonight so far! No tantrums or anything. I just put him to bed, so I'm gonna chill out and watch TV for a bit before his parents get back.
As Debra is talking, a masked man dressed in black creeps in through the door and lurks behind the couch. He looms over her, and pulls out a knife...
DEBRA
Mmm-hmm? Okay, sounds good. Talk to you later, girlfriend!
Debra hangs up the phone and turns on the TV, looking bored as she flicks through channels- completely oblivious to the threat looming behind her. Just as the killer raises his knife and prepares to strike, however...
BILLY
(in the whiniest, most little-kid voice ever) Debraaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Billy enters from off-screen, wearing a towel around his waist. The killer, seeing Billy arrive, hurriedly drops behind the couch again.
DEBRA
What is it, kiddo? Your parents won't be home for another couple of hours.
BILLY
I can't find my Spongebob pajamas! I need my Spongebob pajamas or I can't get fall asleep!
DEBRA
Alright, I'll help you find them. But then it's off to bed, okay?
BILLY
Okay...
Debra and Billy walk off-screen, leaving the killer to pop his head up from behind the couch. He carefully comes out from behind the couch, idly toying with his knife and checking his watch. After about ten seconds, he sits down on the couch and starts flipping through channels.
TELEVISION
We now return to: Two and a Half Men!
The killer claps his hands excitedly and leans forward-
DEBRA
Okay, that's over with.
-only to quickly scramble to hide behind the side of the couch before Debra arrives back in the room, which she does.
DEBRA
Alright, back to- what? Two and a Half Men? Eugh.
Debra takes a seat back on the couch and starts flipping through channels again. The killer moves around behind her and starts raising his knife again...
BILLY
Debraaaaaaaaaah!
Debra groans, while the killer hides behind a ficus.
DEBRA
What is it now, Billy?
BILLY
I'm hungry! My mom always lets me have cookies before bed!
The killer facepalms.
Debra
Well, I doubt that very much, but fine, whatever.. One cookie, but then it's bedtime, alright?
She grabs a cookie from the cookie jar and hands it to Billy, who gobbles it down greedily.
DEBRA
Bed now, kiddo.
BILLY
Okay.
Billy moves to head off-screen, still wolfing down the cookie. Debra watches him go, and as soon as he's gone, she turns her attention back to the TV. The killer starts moving forward again, but not two seconds after he left, Billy saunters back on-screen.
Billy
Debraaaaaah!
Debra covers her face for a moment, clearly frustrated; behind her, the killer is expressing similar sentiment with his hands.
DEBRA
Oh. My god. What is it now, Billy?
BILLY
I want a story. I can't go to sleep without a bedtime story!
DEBRA
Look, Billy, it's getting really late, you need to go to-
BILLY
I want a bedtime story I want a bedtime story I want a bedtime story!
DEBRA
Alright, alright, geez! Just... come here.
Billy takes a seat on the couch next to Debra.
DEBRA
Okay, so... once upon a time, there was a prince named... Billy.
BILLY
Billy the Awesome!
DEBRA
Right, Billy the Awesome, whatever. So Billy the Awesome went around all day adventuring and being awesome, but then when it was bedtime he went to sleep okay the end. Happy now?
BILLY
...That story was terrible! I want a better story!
While Billy and Debra argue, the killer is creeping up behind Debra. Billy is going off on a non-stop whine-rant; Debra can't get a word in edgewise.
DEBRA
Look- Billy, I just-
BILLY
I want a better story I want a better story I'm telling my mom on you my last babysitter was better-
DEBRA
Billy, if you could just let me-
BILLY
She let me have cookies and told me bedtime stories that weren't sucky and she didn't smell bad and she wasn't ugly and-
DEBRA
Billy- just listen to- Billy I OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL WITH THIS.
Just as the killer is about to stab her, Debra withdraws a knife and STABS THE SHIT OUT OF BILLY.
BILLY
Ack!
Billy falls down, dead. Debra wipes her hands, and then notices the dumbfounded masked killer standing next to her for the first time. There is an awkward silence.
KILLER
Jesus, lady!
DEBRA
I won't tell if you don't.
KILLER
Uh... deal.
They shake on it. A beautiful friendship has been formed.
END.
We join DEBRA, who is sitting on a couch and absent-mindedly flipping through channels, chatting away on the phone.
DEBRA
Yeah, the kid's not so bad, I guess. Babysitting's pretty easy when it comes right down to it. It's all pretty basic stuff. Make sure they brush their teeth, keep them out of the ice cream, don't let them bring Mr. Toaster into the bathtub... Yeah, I'm never making that mistake again. I'm telling you, Jenny, this is a great way to make 20 bucks. ...Oh, hang on, I'm getting another call.
Debra moves to answer the phone; we hear creepy, heavy breathing coming from over the line.
DEBRA
Hello? ...Hello? Who is this? Is this Tiffany?
KILLER
You're gonna die tonight, Debra...
DEBRA
I knew it was you, Tiffany! I told you to stop calling me!
KILLER
What? Who the hell is- never mind. I'm coming for you, Debra. Don't turn your back...
Debra just looks annoyed, and goes back to her original caller.
DEBRA
Jenny? Yeah, no, I think it was just Tiffany calling me with death threats again. Her voice was a little less creepy than usual, though. So anyway, Billy's been pretty good tonight so far! No tantrums or anything. I just put him to bed, so I'm gonna chill out and watch TV for a bit before his parents get back.
As Debra is talking, a masked man dressed in black creeps in through the door and lurks behind the couch. He looms over her, and pulls out a knife...
DEBRA
Mmm-hmm? Okay, sounds good. Talk to you later, girlfriend!
Debra hangs up the phone and turns on the TV, looking bored as she flicks through channels- completely oblivious to the threat looming behind her. Just as the killer raises his knife and prepares to strike, however...
BILLY
(in the whiniest, most little-kid voice ever) Debraaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Billy enters from off-screen, wearing a towel around his waist. The killer, seeing Billy arrive, hurriedly drops behind the couch again.
DEBRA
What is it, kiddo? Your parents won't be home for another couple of hours.
BILLY
I can't find my Spongebob pajamas! I need my Spongebob pajamas or I can't get fall asleep!
DEBRA
Alright, I'll help you find them. But then it's off to bed, okay?
BILLY
Okay...
Debra and Billy walk off-screen, leaving the killer to pop his head up from behind the couch. He carefully comes out from behind the couch, idly toying with his knife and checking his watch. After about ten seconds, he sits down on the couch and starts flipping through channels.
TELEVISION
We now return to: Two and a Half Men!
The killer claps his hands excitedly and leans forward-
DEBRA
Okay, that's over with.
-only to quickly scramble to hide behind the side of the couch before Debra arrives back in the room, which she does.
DEBRA
Alright, back to- what? Two and a Half Men? Eugh.
Debra takes a seat back on the couch and starts flipping through channels again. The killer moves around behind her and starts raising his knife again...
BILLY
Debraaaaaaaaaah!
Debra groans, while the killer hides behind a ficus.
DEBRA
What is it now, Billy?
BILLY
I'm hungry! My mom always lets me have cookies before bed!
The killer facepalms.
Debra
Well, I doubt that very much, but fine, whatever.. One cookie, but then it's bedtime, alright?
She grabs a cookie from the cookie jar and hands it to Billy, who gobbles it down greedily.
DEBRA
Bed now, kiddo.
BILLY
Okay.
Billy moves to head off-screen, still wolfing down the cookie. Debra watches him go, and as soon as he's gone, she turns her attention back to the TV. The killer starts moving forward again, but not two seconds after he left, Billy saunters back on-screen.
Billy
Debraaaaaah!
Debra covers her face for a moment, clearly frustrated; behind her, the killer is expressing similar sentiment with his hands.
DEBRA
Oh. My god. What is it now, Billy?
BILLY
I want a story. I can't go to sleep without a bedtime story!
DEBRA
Look, Billy, it's getting really late, you need to go to-
BILLY
I want a bedtime story I want a bedtime story I want a bedtime story!
DEBRA
Alright, alright, geez! Just... come here.
Billy takes a seat on the couch next to Debra.
DEBRA
Okay, so... once upon a time, there was a prince named... Billy.
BILLY
Billy the Awesome!
DEBRA
Right, Billy the Awesome, whatever. So Billy the Awesome went around all day adventuring and being awesome, but then when it was bedtime he went to sleep okay the end. Happy now?
BILLY
...That story was terrible! I want a better story!
While Billy and Debra argue, the killer is creeping up behind Debra. Billy is going off on a non-stop whine-rant; Debra can't get a word in edgewise.
DEBRA
Look- Billy, I just-
BILLY
I want a better story I want a better story I'm telling my mom on you my last babysitter was better-
DEBRA
Billy, if you could just let me-
BILLY
She let me have cookies and told me bedtime stories that weren't sucky and she didn't smell bad and she wasn't ugly and-
DEBRA
Billy- just listen to- Billy I OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL WITH THIS.
Just as the killer is about to stab her, Debra withdraws a knife and STABS THE SHIT OUT OF BILLY.
BILLY
Ack!
Billy falls down, dead. Debra wipes her hands, and then notices the dumbfounded masked killer standing next to her for the first time. There is an awkward silence.
KILLER
Jesus, lady!
DEBRA
I won't tell if you don't.
KILLER
Uh... deal.
They shake on it. A beautiful friendship has been formed.
END.