i can do this...and i don't care what ANYbody thinks.
the truth will set you (implying self) free
its a big risk
alienating all those friends of mine"here" in LJ-land
ha ha
as if...
they are already.
but today i feel strong and brave
as if i could write the words, or speak them
that i cannot reconcile my life to this behavior
and yet i am no longer "IN" that "behavior"
but the lingering...it keeps me there in a way
and why not "here"
for this is where you
swerved
into me
the "stillness" was NEVER about being busy
but alwaysALWAYS about hurting
that pain in the upper left of my chest cavity
that doubling-over cramp deep in my tummy...
and i would say that i am sorry for the turn that "it" took
that my operating in freedom
infringed upon others
my freedom brought death
my demonstrations
cost me
more than a mountain of debt, yes
but really cost me my life as i knew it
and the amazing thing to me is,
had you not swerved
i would still be content
to sit here
hour after hour, day after day, week after week
for the few minutes of time you afforded me
sit and wait
obscured from life, touching, laughing, socializing
and this, now this --
not because of your work or family obligations, or even the swervees
but because of what you did with me AT FIRST
all those hours, minutes, days
you couldn't wait to find me
you'd rush in from outdoors
just to see if i could give you words online
ha ha
and then...i was replaced
over and over
and in other ways
no, not just swerved, but the pushing away that went with it
the loud voice, the reprimands
the asking, 'do you not have a life?'
and the lie, i never asked, the blatant lie
i talked to her, Miss M, you know?
i called...feigned being a salesperson
and she was home
not at the beach
with you
so the swervee was and that killed me
but not for the reason you may think
it killed me because 'she' had to have been invited
or at least made privy to the plans to go
and all those times
i flung myself at you
oh, God, why?
all those things i did to come and see you
ha ha
i was never invited
or made privy to plans
and i think that's what hurt the most
that i was not really wanted
not pretty enough, sexy enough, smart enough, cultured enough
from too simple a background, too rough around the edges?
what is a man to do? here "it" is, flung in your face...
then it all made sense
you made me your world
day after day, lots of words online, text, voice
and then BAM
those days were cut off
and little hints were here and there
tags meant for another that came to me
as i slept
and tasicalia...whatever THAT is...
but, you see, your joy is more important to me, so swerve on
i am not who i was
at
all.
i am just some girl
in Ohio
and there are incredible positive memories
good things
synergy
creativity
oh wow
how you nurtured my creativity
and now?
ha ha
i don't want to write or take ANY pictures
i don't want to learn the things i was ALMOST THERE on
or create projects
it hurts
way down in my tummy it does so
synergy
that was good
and the laughing
man oh man that was awesome
and the bad things?
i am so sorry
you never asked me
to do what i did
you just received me
and i believed
i guess i just misunderstood what you meant
and fell
hard
wow, was that pretentious or what? to think that i might
be that one
who could fill your empty places
enough
and "keep you"
from here...except for the occasional visit
oh, God, what was i thinking?
and i'm so sorry
for all those i hurt, even if they don't know it
i'm so sorry
and i want to love again
and be loved
held
touched
but for what i did, i am in that
"fearful looking for HIS judgement"
watching over my shoulder
afraid to receive forgivness
and it feels unfair to laugh
or enjoy anybodys company
i told him, you know?
he kept calling, asking why i wouldn't come home
i finally felt backed in a corner
told him in exasperation
about you
not details of course
but that you existed
and you know what he said?
i can forgive you if you just come home
ha ha
but by then, it was too late
he still wants me to come home
i am nothing but one mistake after another
but i digress
what i mean to say is, i cannot continue this way.
i need peace and there is no peace in this for me
only grief
and you will twist it and turn it
swerve any responsibility
tell me i am a drop-out
there was a time, the things
you say about longrunner...would cause me to feel guilt
but my pride is gone
i don't care what you say
i never left you holding the bag
you had a few other "bags" to hang onto
and at least one of them
was more of what you needed
that i was in the way of
so this is just
'yeild'
with no pain
less for you to juggle, really
i really like what donald miller says about writers
(even though i'm a wanna be -- my stuff is the stuff of blogs anyway)
something about writers being cowards
i gotta find that one
and i know that this is the right thing
not what i wanted
not what i want
but
i hear HIM
and i need peace.
Jehovah-Shammah, come