Fanfic -APH-Baltic- Comfort & Kisses
Estonia jumped awake when he heard the dull thud from the next room. He rubbed his eyes trying to get his sleep addled mind to focus. He stumbled over to the next bedroom to check on Latvia, running his hand along the wall to catch himself as his drowsy mind occasionally forgot which foot to move. As he had suspected the preteen had fallen out of bed again from tossing about in his sleep. Neither he nor Lithuania had gotten much sleep due to the young boy's daily night terrors. Not that they would have anyway. Their time joined in servitude to Russia and subsequent battle for independence held enough painful memories to give them ALL nightmares enough to last a lifetime.
A sudden shrill shriek followed by hushed murmurs jarred the last fog of sleep from his mind as he slammed through the partially open door.
Lithuania had already beaten him inside. Toris sat next to the young boy holding him with a quiet gentle strength as he murmured in calm tones. "It's okay, Raivis. Please stop. C'mon wake up-please, please wake up."
He turned suddenly at Estonia's entry.
"Eduard, please hurry! I, I, can't wake him! I don't know what to do!"
The dour mouse of a man pleaded with eyes trimmed in red from tears and insomnia, fear widening them until the lamplight caught the whites, giving them an eerie glow. Eduard rushed to help him as Raivis suddenly started tossing and kicking like a madman and let out another blood-curdling shriek that dissolved into bubbling sobs broken only occasionally by a muttered word or two. Eduard and Toris tried to avoid the worst of the blows the young boy tried to throw at his imaginary foe as they desperately held him down, preventing him from hurting himself in the midst of his fit of terror.
"Raivis, Raivis wake up! You're safe! It's Okay. Calm down." Eduard spoke gently tapping the lad's tear-stained cheeks with the palm of his hands. At the sound of Eduard's voice, he suddenly stopped kicking and squirming, but the low quiet muttering did not. It continued unabated and unintelligible from the boy's lips.
Tears gleamed at the corner of Toris' eyes as he let go and watched Raivis. He paused a moment before he spoke his voice quieter than a whisper. Eduard initially couldn't hear him over Raivis' mad muttering. He watched his mouth move, seeing the words more than hearing them initially.
" . . .why, but . . . asked me to stay . . .scared to be alone . . .holding my arm. . .couldn't leave. . ." His voice sped up increasing in strength, the words tumbling over themselves to get out as he continued.
"He was gripping it so tight. It hurt and I, I woke up and he was talking, muttering, I didn't know what he was saying I asked him to repeat it and-nothing. Then he started tossing about. I got up to wake him and that's when he fell out and started screaming. Oh, god-that scream."
As if on cue Raivis broke into another screech of pain. His eyes flashing open all whites and pupils staring in terror at visions none of the other occupants of the small dark room could see. He whimpered curling in upon himself
"Nonononono. Don't. No. Stop. Pleeaase."
Suddenly he stopped and his body stiffened as he went quiet and still.
"Leave. Me. ALONE!" Raivis suddenly shouted startling the other two men. And with that last word the young nation shoved hard against Eduard's chest and belly with a mixture of hands and feet breaking his hold on him and knocking Eduard over onto his rump. Freed of his restraint Raivis slid backwards toward the wall. He seemed to wake some as his head bumped up against the wall. He cautiously reached out a hand to the wall, braced and clinging like climber to a rock face, as he pushed himself into a sitting position with his feet then tired he slumped down, quiet, his head and arms resting on his knees.
The two men stared unmoving waiting in the eerie quiet for what was to come next.
Toris cautiously called out, "Raivis-hey you awake?"
No answer. He tried again, starting to step towards the boy, "Raivis?"
Eduard reached out from where he was sitting and lightly touched his knee.
"Eduard, what. . ." Toris glanced down puzzled. The other man simply held a finger to his mouth shaking his head in reply to younger man's unspoken question.
The rocking and the soft muttering rants started a minute later as if right on cue. He was awake but lost to the terror of the memories and nightmares. Just like every night. Night after night. Quiet murmurs of "Please, please...no, I promise...Raivis be good boy...please no more." Quiet hiccuping sobs were the only thing that broke the torrent of words, but it was the terrible gibbering laughter that slipped in and out among all of it that was worst to hear.
Eduard shivered unconsciously as another torrent of laughter slid across his frazzled nerves like a damp slimy eel, dragging up from the dark recesses of his mind the echoing memory of another man's laughter that left his soul feeling cold and unclean.
Toris didn't fair any better at the onslaught of sound as he fell to his knees sobbing, his hands pressed to his ears his elbows tucked tight against his chest. What little strength had held him through it all ebbing on the last keening note of that laughter. He started rocking too now, crying.
"Please make it stop, stop it, oh stop it, please-oh, god, I can't take this."
Eduard pulled himself together and taking a glance back at Raivis who still sat in the corner rocking and ranting but seemed to be wearing down, opted to rescue his help first. He leaned over to Toris and grabbed him by the shoulders gently shaking him as he spoke to him in a gentle commanding voice.
"Toris, now don't you start too. I need you to focus."
Another gentle shake "Hey, look at me." Eduard reached down and pushed the other man's chin up forcing his blue eyes to look into his.
"I need you to hold yourself together just a little longer. Okay?" He reached up to hold Toris’ head between his large gentle hands. A slight nod and a sniffle answered him back.
"Good, now why don’t you go get yourself and Raivis some water. And I’ll see if I can’t calm him down. Okay?" Toris nodded and with a gentle rap on the shoulder and a reassuring smile Eduard sent him off.
Eduard sighed and got up and crouched down next to Raivis.
The boy sat quiet now, his arms and knees tucked into his chest. He stared blankly into the darkness. Eduard reached out cautiously and ever so slightly touched the boy’s shoulder. When Raivis didn’t flinch away from the touch he sat down next to him shoulder to shoulder. Reaching his arm across the thin shoulders of the lanky youth he gripped the lad’s far shoulder in his strong hand and reached over and grabbed Raivis’ nearest elbow in the other. The boy shivered and started to pull away. But the other man only tightened his embrace, holding the boy firmly to his chest as his hand moved along the boy’s arm from his elbow to his hand.
Raivis felt firm warm fingers grip his gently squeezing them in punctuation to the deep voice that spoke to him. Warm words breaking through the ice of his terror now, that vast cold emptiness that found him in the night, a small light to his darkness.
"Hey, I’m here now. Raivis, look at me. It’s Eduard. Remember you’re in Estonia at my house. You’re safe. Safe. Raivis. Safe. Okay? No more danger."
The young man finally looked up at him comprehension coming back into his dark eyes. "Eduard?"
"Yeah, it’s me kid."
Raivis’ lips and throat quivered, as his eyes suddenly glistening, his body straining to hold back the flood to come.
Eduard moved his hand from Raivis’ shoulder and grabbed the back of his head pulling it forward to his chest and patting his back with his other hand.
"It’s okay, I won’t tell. Let it all out. Don’t hold it in." Eduard continued on like that clucking soft soothing words as he patted the young boy’s back, his chin tucked into soft curling brown hair atop the boy’s head as great racking sobs shook the thin fragile frame.
Toris stood in the doorway patiently waiting as he holding two glasses of water. As the sobs started to quiet interspersed with little sniffs, Toris walked over to the duo and kneeled down in front of them.
"Hey."
Raivis pulled his head out from beneath Eduard’s chin and slowly looked up as the other man released his hold on the boy. Toris sat across from them with a glass of water balanced in each hand as they rested on his knees.
"Thirsty? Want some water?" Toris asked as he held one of the glasses out to him.
Raivis nodded and scrubbed his eyes dry then moving from his nest in Eduard’s lap before grabbing the proffered glass. Toris immediately reached into the pocket of his dressing robe and pulled out some tissue and held it before him too.
A warm smile accompanied the offered item as he said, "Tissue?"
That earned him a grateful smile as Raivis set down the glass and to take the tissue. Toris then turned and offered the other glass to Eduard.
He nodded, "Thanks." Eduard took it giving Toris’ other hand giving it a gentle squeeze in gratitude.
Toris sat down on the other side of Eduard as Raivis loudly blew his nose then got up to throw the tissue away. Toris raised glanced over at the lanky young man and then raised an eyebrow in query to Eduard. He simply sighed in response to the unspoken question. Toris opened his mouth to speak, but a look from Eduard stopped him as the other man shook his head no. Toris mouth formed an "Oh" as he dropped his head down to study his hands. Raivis came back, took a sip of water and then settled himself into the crook of Eduard’s arm his head resting back against older man’s chest. Eduard smiled at him as Raivis leaned back to look up at him. Eduard reached over and ruffled the shaggy mop of brown hair in affection and planted a kiss on the top of his head as Raivis snuggled into his lap, arms curled around his.
As Raivis’ breathing slowed into that of sleep, Eduard freed a hand to reach over and pat Toris’ fretting ones reassuringly. Toris glanced up as Eduard reached up to move a stray lock of hair from his eyes. A sad half smile framed Eduard’s mouth as took his thumb, his hand still cupped to Toris’ face and gently scrubbed where the tears had run down his cheek earlier. Gentle loving concern that few other nations were ever privileged to see was evidenced in the tiniest of touches at that moment.
"We’ll get through this together, I promise."
Honest confident eyes held his as a fleeting smile crossed Toris’ face before anxiety chased it away again.
"Toris, I won’t ever let anything bad happen to you and Raivis again, I promise. Trust me on this okay?" Eduard squeezed his shoulder as he timidly nodded agreement. Eduard nodded once, then with that same hand he pulled Toris in toward him too.
Toris gave in and let himself fall curled against Eduard, his head propped against the other man’s shoulder.
Only then did Eduard relax as he laid the side of his head against the top of Toris’ finally able to sleep.
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Eduard awoke the next morning to Raivis roughly shaking him awake. "Eduard," he whined. "Hurry and wake up already. C’mon you’ve got to stop him."
He yawned through his reply back to Raivis, "Huh, whazza matter?"
Panic edged the young man’s voice as cried, "Eduard, there’s no time. He’s LEAVING!" And with that Raivis pulled hard on Eduard’s arm nearly dragging him up off the floor.
Eduard reached up and grabbed Raivis’ shoulders to steady himself. He held fast preventing the young nation from turning and dragging the older one with him.
"Raivis, calm down. Just a moment. Who’s leaving?"
The young man sighed in apparent exasperation, "Toris! Toris is leaving with Feliks! He’s here now to take Toris with him! He’s gonna leave us! Please Eduard! You’ve got to stop him!"
Raivis grabbed his hand tugging at it trying to force Eduard to follow him, but Eduard was rooted to the floor in shock. His mind tumbled through various questions: ‘Leaving, what? Why? When did he decide? But, why Poland of all the nations? And why now? Was it because of him? Had he been too hard on him? Had he been no better than Ivan had been?’ Each one systematically rejected when no answer came, his mind turning to the next question hoping to stumble upon an answer that made sense. That last question though stopped the onslaught and left him cold to the core. That was one he definitely didn’t want to answer. Finally his confused mind settled upon a plan of action.
He mumbled in a flat emotionless monotone to no one in particular, "Guess I should see him off."
He moved towards the door and reached out to open it. Suddenly he looked down as if noticing the light blue wool flannel of his pajama top he was wearing for the first time. "Huh, I should probably change. Can’t greet Poland in my pajamas."
Then the great nation of Estonia turned and brushed off Latvia like he wasn’t even there as walked out of the room.
"Whuh?" Raivis stood there staring in defeated shock as he watched Eduard walk out, his mouth still hanging open as if waiting patiently for him to finish the word
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A little while later Eduard heard a timid knock rap lightly on his door while he was changing. Quickly buttoning up his slacks he called, "Come in" as he reached for a shirt.
"Eduard, I . . ." Toris stood there in the doorway his voice dying away in uncertainty. He stood there staring at Eduard’s back watching him as he dressed before the mirror. A dozen emotions played across his face his mouth open and closed as if trying to form words but only silence came of the effort. He gave up, finally clapping it shut and his head drooped to stare in embarrassed defeat at his feet.
"Yeah, so what’s on your mind?" Eduard finally asked just before the weight of the long tense silence became interminable. He still hadn’t turned to face Lithuania. He could see the younger nation just fine in the mirror as he leaned closer to comb his hair.
"Um, well, last night, I uh, called Feliks, and, uh. . . "
"You’re leaving us to stay with him," Eduard finished the sentence for him tartly as he turned to glare at Toris his eyes ablaze with anger and something else. Toris couldn’t tell for sure - pain, perhaps.
"Let me guess. You’re bags are packed and he’ll be here any minute to pick you up."
Toris looked up in shock. "How did . . .?"
"Raivis."
"Oh. Um, yeah, of course." He turned to stare at his feet rubbing one over the other before gently kicking at a tiny dust mote sitting on the floor. He could feel the burn of Eduard’s gaze on him in the deafening silence.
"Why."
That was all he said in a tense quiet voice, the word more of a command than a question. Toris sensed the dozen or so unspoken questions and emotions that underpinned that single spoken word. And he didn’t have a response back for any one of them.
"I can’t stay."
Eduard still stared his sturdy gaze never flinching, waiting.
"You know I can’t. Not here and still stay sane." Toris mumbled through that last part hoping Eduard didn’t catch it. His hopes were dashed with Eduard’s reply.
"And HE makes it possible? Are we really that terrible? Are Raivis and I nothing but bad memories to you?" His tone was accusatory as he responded like a cop waiting for a criminal’s confession. Only he didn’t wait and instead turned away from Toris to stare out past the mirror through the window beyond. Seemingly disinterested in whatever Toris had to say in his defense.
Toris knew now what the other emotion was that he had seen in Eduard’s eyes earlier - it was betrayal. He didn’t even try to defend himself. He couldn’t. Eduard probably had every right to feel that way. Toris’ reply came out like a dying man’s last confession; his voice catching with emotion on the last words as he hurried out of the room.
"No, but maybe I just want to pretend that it’s even possible to forget. It never goes away Eduard! I’m just reminded of it day after day! Those memories . . . they haunt me", he shivered, "they’re always there. God, how I wish I could forget! Even, even if it’s only briefly!"
Eduard turned, mouth open to answer, but the other man was already gone. He sat down heavily on the edge of the bed his head buried in hands in sad defeat.
Raivis watched as Toris left the room and hurried down the hall, never noticing the young man who stood by the doorframe listening. Raivis waited before he turned and cautiously peeked in the doorway. He paused a moment before quietly closing the door. He turned and walked despondently down the hall to the front entryway and sat down on the small chair by the door to wait.
Poland’s knock on the front door came about twenty minutes later.
Feliks was greeted by a short lanky youth with dark brown messy hair wearing a countenance of dejection.
"H’ullo"
"Hello, good to see you." Feliks beamed a big warm smile at him. "Uh, Raivis isn’t it?"
The youth just stared back at him emotionless.
"So, uh, is your brother Toris in? Tell him Feliks is here."
The stone-faced youth simply nodded then opened the door for him to enter. He gestured, as he moved aside for Feliks, in the direction of a small straight-back chair that sat against the wall of the entryway. Feliks entered and sat down to wait as the young man closed the door and ambled down the hallway. He returned a short while later trailing behind his two brothers, Toris and Eduard. The atmosphere was heavy and nearly funereal in quality. He glanced around unsure of what he had stepped into.
"Uh, hello. . . um. . good to see you all?" Feliks stammered his greeting nervously. Eduard nodded then turned away and walked out. Feliks stared after him a moment before turning back to Toris.
"So, are you ready?" He asked as he reached out a hand to grab the other man’s bag. He noticed the youth still waited, standing just a little ways back in the shadows of the hall.
Toris simply nodded in silence as he handed over the bag and followed him to the door. A shaky hand stopped him just as he started out onto the steps. He looked up at Toris puzzled. Then he saw him turn his head back in towards the house. He followed the other man’s troubled gaze inside. He patted Toris’ hand and gave him an encouraging sympathetic smile as he gestured in silence with his hand and a quick understanding nod to go back. The other man turned and quietly slipped back inside as Feliks walked on out to wait by the car.
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Eduard had turned away and walked into the other room after a polite terse greeting to Poland, giving him the bare minimum of courtesy. A dull ache tightened his chest and throat. He stood there his eyes closed with his hands balled in fists trying to will the emotion away. Suddenly he felt gentle arms embrace him from behind, hands clasped the top of his shoulders from the front as he felt someone’s cheek rest against his back. He reached up with his right hand to lightly pat the hand resting on his left shoulder. ‘Ah, Raivis,’ he thought. He opened his mouth to speak soothing words when a familiar scent wafted up to him. The cologne Toris wore. It was not Raivis but Toris who held him. It was Toris who broke the silence first.
Toris turned his head so that his forehead rested between the shoulder blades, his hands tightening on Eduard’s shoulders. When he spoke the tone was softened, the volume muted in the fabric of the shirt.
"Please believe me, I don’t hate you or Raivis, I honestly didn’t mean to hurt you. The only person I hate is myself. Eduard, I can’t stand it! I hate that I can’t be strong for you! I’m tired of hurting and always falling apart when you need me. I hurt when you’re hurting, but you never let us help you. You hold it all inside Eduard, because you feel you have to always be our rock! I want to become someone you could lean on! I just wanted to be able to forget the bad , so that maybe I could someday be your rock. I don’t want to forget you or Raivis! I want to make NEW memories, GOOD memories with my brothers."
Toris had turned during his speech so that Eduard’s left shoulder leaned in against his chest. Eduard chanced a look over to his left. A dozen emotions warred on his face, shock finally trumping them all.
"But I thought that you didn’t. . ." He couldn’t finish as his throat tightened in the effort to hold back the flood of emotions swelling up from the cold pit of his stomach where he had long ago locked them away.
Toris smiled up at him as he replied back, "Never, you’re my family. I chose you." Eduard felt another set of arms embrace him from the other side as Raivis snuggled in underneath his arm. Toris beamed at the newcomer. "Both of you." Raivis peeked up and out from under his arm wearing a happy contented smile on his lips.
All Eduard could think was, ‘They’re smiling. They’re actually smiling. Maybe, just maybe we’re not so broken after all.’ His hands gripped Toris’ hand and Ravis’ shoulder tighter as he leaned his head back, eyes closed tight as he tried to hold back the flood of tears fighting to break free.
Raivis glance up in concern and touching his damp cheek where a few tears had sneaked through whispered to him, "Please don’t cry Eduard, I love you. Toris loves you. It’ll be alright. So don’t hurt anymore, okay?"
The dam broke and a thin trickle of tears ran down his cheeks brushing lips turned up in a smile. He stood there like that for a long time; held tight between them as he sagged in emotional exhaustion against Toris’ chest. Toris finally getting his wish to be someone else’s rock. Steadying himself after a couple of minutes, Eduard stood up and reached around to pull the other two into a tighter embrace.
Resting his right cheek against the top of their heads he whispered, "I love you too, thank you, thank you so much."
Feliks glanced back up to the large front window and smiled as he tucked a small card into the front pocket of Toris’ luggage. He turned leaving it there on the front step as he walked back down the front walk to his car. A taxi came chugging in behind his vehicle and he turned to greet the newcomer as he paid the driver and got out.
"Ah, Berwald! So good to see you! How’s Tonio?"
The Swedish nation greeted the flamboyant Pol with dispassionate grey blue eyes. He looked him up and down once as if quickly cataloguing the image before him to file away in his memory.
"Fine."
"And the trip?"
"Fine."
Feliks’ sighed. Small talk had never been the Swede’s strong suit. This time, however, Berwald asked his own question.
"Why are you here?"
"For Toris. He called me last night asking to stay with me."
The Swede glanced around and not seeing the Lithuanian nation, he turned and looked over to the house spying the small satchel sitting on the front step.
"Is that not his?" he asked pointing with his chin in the direction of the satchel. "Why then, is he not with you?"
"Because he’s not coming."
Blonde brows furrowing slightly as icy blue eyes quirked ever so slightly at that response. Feliks’ watched his expression and chuckled inwardly. ‘Hmm, if Berwald’s thought processes were subtitled, right now the line on the screen would read, "Does not compute."’
"Why not? You came per his summons."
Feliks looked up towards the large picture window of the house. He now saw Eduard hunched over laughing and smiling as Raivis and Toris attempted to tickle him. He watched as they all suddenly fell from sight, presumably in big laughing heap on the floor below the window. Berwald waited for his response then turned to follow his gaze, seeing nothing, he turned back in puzzlement.
His eyes having misted slightly at the sight, Feliks gave the tall blond man a warm genuine smile as he finally replied, "He doesn’t need me anymore." He paused and stared hard at Berwald, then pointedly stated, "Nor you, my friend. None of them do."
Berwald stood in irritated silence and confusion as he waited for more. But the Pol said nothing, and instead simply walked past him to the car.
"Need a ride?" Feliks asked as he opened the passenger door gesturing for Berwald to enter.
"Why not?"
Feliks cocked his head at Berwald’s random question. He stood there, head cocked to the side as if not understanding the question or perhaps he thought the Swede had accepted his offer and was simply waiting.
Berwald sighed in exasperation. "Enough of this, Feliks. Explain yourself now. Why do you conclude that they don’t they need us? Why would he not come?"
Feliks chuckled inwardly, it was practically a speech for the man.
"Because, Berwald, my dear Sweden, they’ve got each other and that’s all they need."
Berwald stood there in silence, his brows knitted together in concentration as he mulled over Poland’s reply.
Feliks didn’t let him process it too long before he suddenly grabbed Berwald’s hand and dragged him towards the car chattering excitedly. "You and I’ve got some time off, why not use it to see what bounties and beauties are neighbors have to offer in there wondrous countries? Eh, would it not be fun? I’m sure your little woman back home won’t mind. "Eh, of course not. Naturally, we’ll find something nice to send back with you for Tino. That will smooth anything over. Hmm, who knows, perhaps a present and a little absence will make the heart grow so fond that it will be quite the wondrous homecoming night for you. Eh, Berwald?" He clucked and winked at the Swede digging his elbow into the man’s ribs amused with his own joke.
Berwald glared at him annoyed as a slight hint of red rouged his cheeks. Feliks continued on oblivious and undaunted.
"Ah, Berwald such things I want to see, such great plans I have for us. Won’t it be fun.?"
Before Berwald could make his mouth work to say no, Feliks had dragged him into the car.
"Best find something to hang onto. I like to go fast."
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Norway sat next to Finland chatting quietly over some coffee and some of Denmark’s tinned biscuits that he had brought with him to the home that Finland shared with his fellow Nordic nation Sweden. Suddenly the short slender man stopped speaking as his eyes glassed over and he stopped mid-sentence. A moment later recognition returned to his gaze and he shivered as if suddenly cold. It all happened so fast that Norway wondered if the event had even happened at all.
"Um, Tino? Are you . . "
Tino suddenly set his cup down firmly and interrupted him, his tone serious. "Norway, thank you for the lovely biscuits, but I must leave. Please feel free to stay as long as you like. I will return in a day or so."
Norway stared in shock at the sudden change in the other nation. He watched as the other man quickly took up his outerwear and keys and headed toward the door. He started to stand up and reached out trying to stall the other man a moment.
"Wait! Where are you . . . I mean, why are you?"
Tino stopped briefly and turned back, his hand still on the doorknob as shouted back. "I’ve got to go rescue that fool, Berwald again!"