thoughts.
life.
love.
loss.
death.
i can only consonate so much, but this has been on my mind far too much in the last week.
ill start from the beginning.
one week ago
i walk into work tired and hungover from the weekend in boston with my friends. but i dont recognize a single soul (well.. minus one) working on the floor.
i walk in the stock room where i find my usual co-workers who all seem to be in the dazed hungover state.
i start up conversation with brian in liu of the strange vibes.. not even close to expecting what i was about to hear.
"dude.. did you hear about Jen Bauer?"
at this point im guessing.. ohh no did she get fired? id already put her on the chopping block for a couple stunts shed pulled in recent weeks. but if only that was the case.
"She died the other night"
22 years old. too drunk to get into a bar.. too drunk to hold herself back from driving home.
she swerved into the opposite lane of a bridge into oncoming traffic, and was killed in a head on collision.
22.
i knew her a month, but its just not something i was ready for.. and why would i be?
i passed the rest of the shift working at about a 25% rate.. stopping every now and then to just put my head down and think.
my mind wouldnt believe it. i thought it to be a joke at first... then began to realize how far-fetched itd be for the entire company, the news paper, and the news to all be playing one big twisted joke.
the rest of the week went on, and at the least it remained at the back of my mind.
little thoughts just reminding me of her.. making it harder than it needed to be.
but nothing was worse than seeing the reaction of the ones who truly loved her. spending half their shifts in the bathroom so no one would see them crying.. even though their eyes were blood red.
and then the funeral saturday.
i went with jay.. which was absolutely the best way to go.
going with a good friend... someone on an almost equal level of personal level with her.
having only been working with her for about a month, i just felt akward being so affected by this.. and diving into the group of my co-workers just didnt seem right to me.
but the service went on.. but due to its heavy umm.. flooding i guess? of jesus and references to him, and so little about her, it was easy to get through. sad of course- because again.. she died far too young with so many friends missing her so much, not to mention her family.
but then i received communion, and saw her picture placed next to her urn. it was just the most heartbreaking photograph you could imagine- beautiful, full of life, and so genuinely happy
and as with Uncle Ron's funeral, it wasnt until the very end where i went ahead and lost control of my emotions.
and so a life is lost.
but theres so much more to it than that for me right now.
once told it was a drinking/driving accident, well thats where i really started to think. i wasnt so much struck by it being her, as the reality of how serious d/d is, and the way my friends do it as a joke. i became scared, for john, for winston, and for anyone i love.
and because it can happen just like that- i put myself into a new perspective where i really just want to enjoy every moment i can with these guys.
unfortunately.. that was somewhat shortlived.
luke left yesterday. i had no idea that was coming so soon. but its nothing new, its been happening for years, its something im used to. however, he was my voice of reason on timely matters. and there he goes.
what i was not ready for though was the phonecall i recieved from winston.
"im having everyone over tonight because im moving tomorrow"
tomorrow as in today.
he wasnt supposed to leave for another 2 weeks.
and right now hes already beginning his 13 hour trek south to last until christmas.. should he even decide to come back.
and now ive "lost" on of my best friends.
absolutely not something i need right now.
but i feel like ive been surrounded by all of this.
a girl that graduated 2 years ahead of me died 2 days ago.
just after winston calling me yesterday, i saw the aftermaths of 2 rather unsightly accidents on route 5
and then i watched vanilla sky.
i know.. for anyone who might be keeping tabs (and if you are, i suggest you take serious lesson from this entry and go use your time in a much wiser sense) this is the third entry in which vanilla sky comes into play.
but anyways, after hearing the news about Jen, i popped in sigur ros just as a simple comfort, and it made me want to watch vanilla sky- for reasons obvious to anyone familiar with the 2.
so all week ive been wanting to watch it, and yesterday before work i had plenty of downtime and popped it in.
(not a good idea before work at all)
it was just another slap in the face of how precious life is, and how easily everything can just fall to pieces.
ive already begun to change over all of this.
i choose my words more carefully as to not exaggerate in ways regarding death.
im not going to go out partying every single night or anything- sure that was Jen's way of life, and it made her happy.. i give her credit for using every moment given to her- but i do plan on making more of whats given to me. i want to be more open with love for others; Christina (if at all possible) my family, my friends, and just anyone. ive found myself to be so against the world and everyone in it lately, and i really want that to change.
im just afraid. i suppose thats all there is to it.
and if youve read all of this.. well then i love you.
love.
loss.
death.
i can only consonate so much, but this has been on my mind far too much in the last week.
ill start from the beginning.
one week ago
i walk into work tired and hungover from the weekend in boston with my friends. but i dont recognize a single soul (well.. minus one) working on the floor.
i walk in the stock room where i find my usual co-workers who all seem to be in the dazed hungover state.
i start up conversation with brian in liu of the strange vibes.. not even close to expecting what i was about to hear.
"dude.. did you hear about Jen Bauer?"
at this point im guessing.. ohh no did she get fired? id already put her on the chopping block for a couple stunts shed pulled in recent weeks. but if only that was the case.
"She died the other night"
22 years old. too drunk to get into a bar.. too drunk to hold herself back from driving home.
she swerved into the opposite lane of a bridge into oncoming traffic, and was killed in a head on collision.
22.
i knew her a month, but its just not something i was ready for.. and why would i be?
i passed the rest of the shift working at about a 25% rate.. stopping every now and then to just put my head down and think.
my mind wouldnt believe it. i thought it to be a joke at first... then began to realize how far-fetched itd be for the entire company, the news paper, and the news to all be playing one big twisted joke.
the rest of the week went on, and at the least it remained at the back of my mind.
little thoughts just reminding me of her.. making it harder than it needed to be.
but nothing was worse than seeing the reaction of the ones who truly loved her. spending half their shifts in the bathroom so no one would see them crying.. even though their eyes were blood red.
and then the funeral saturday.
i went with jay.. which was absolutely the best way to go.
going with a good friend... someone on an almost equal level of personal level with her.
having only been working with her for about a month, i just felt akward being so affected by this.. and diving into the group of my co-workers just didnt seem right to me.
but the service went on.. but due to its heavy umm.. flooding i guess? of jesus and references to him, and so little about her, it was easy to get through. sad of course- because again.. she died far too young with so many friends missing her so much, not to mention her family.
but then i received communion, and saw her picture placed next to her urn. it was just the most heartbreaking photograph you could imagine- beautiful, full of life, and so genuinely happy
and as with Uncle Ron's funeral, it wasnt until the very end where i went ahead and lost control of my emotions.
and so a life is lost.
but theres so much more to it than that for me right now.
once told it was a drinking/driving accident, well thats where i really started to think. i wasnt so much struck by it being her, as the reality of how serious d/d is, and the way my friends do it as a joke. i became scared, for john, for winston, and for anyone i love.
and because it can happen just like that- i put myself into a new perspective where i really just want to enjoy every moment i can with these guys.
unfortunately.. that was somewhat shortlived.
luke left yesterday. i had no idea that was coming so soon. but its nothing new, its been happening for years, its something im used to. however, he was my voice of reason on timely matters. and there he goes.
what i was not ready for though was the phonecall i recieved from winston.
"im having everyone over tonight because im moving tomorrow"
tomorrow as in today.
he wasnt supposed to leave for another 2 weeks.
and right now hes already beginning his 13 hour trek south to last until christmas.. should he even decide to come back.
and now ive "lost" on of my best friends.
absolutely not something i need right now.
but i feel like ive been surrounded by all of this.
a girl that graduated 2 years ahead of me died 2 days ago.
just after winston calling me yesterday, i saw the aftermaths of 2 rather unsightly accidents on route 5
and then i watched vanilla sky.
i know.. for anyone who might be keeping tabs (and if you are, i suggest you take serious lesson from this entry and go use your time in a much wiser sense) this is the third entry in which vanilla sky comes into play.
but anyways, after hearing the news about Jen, i popped in sigur ros just as a simple comfort, and it made me want to watch vanilla sky- for reasons obvious to anyone familiar with the 2.
so all week ive been wanting to watch it, and yesterday before work i had plenty of downtime and popped it in.
(not a good idea before work at all)
it was just another slap in the face of how precious life is, and how easily everything can just fall to pieces.
ive already begun to change over all of this.
i choose my words more carefully as to not exaggerate in ways regarding death.
im not going to go out partying every single night or anything- sure that was Jen's way of life, and it made her happy.. i give her credit for using every moment given to her- but i do plan on making more of whats given to me. i want to be more open with love for others; Christina (if at all possible) my family, my friends, and just anyone. ive found myself to be so against the world and everyone in it lately, and i really want that to change.
im just afraid. i suppose thats all there is to it.
and if youve read all of this.. well then i love you.