"that they prolong" should be shortened to "they prolong". the subject is somewhat cliched, though i like it better than the last poem. so the god is some deus ex machina figure, eh? o crap, i guess thats what god is. this poem is more of a "thanks, buddy" shout-out to god. I guess i really would like you to explore some of the psychological aspects of your 'burdens' or 'sins' rather than just god lifting them from you. yes, we get that its 'heavy' and 'burdensome' and you feel some 'gloom', but hell, i'm feeling the same way because i got a calc test this week and i have to carry all my books around. so what separates me from you; what separates my shallow sense of melancholy from your deep-set emotions that obviously reverberate from a much deeper place in the soul. did you really deserve to have your sins lifted? i would like some expression of shame, regret, or some other stronger emotion than simply 'gloom'. this superficial subject has been explored by too many poets to still have any resounding effect. you need to elevate your
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don't use words like serenity in poetry. you don't need to try to elevate your diction above common usage in poetry. serenity is also a syllable eater, and can be easily and more fluently replaced by a word like 'peace'.
look, you seem like a smart guy. your poetry seems constrained by the sonnet form. why don't you try free-association or blank verse. it's better to write a good poem that doesn't exactly follows meter and rhyme rather than a crappy one that does.
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Well...yeah...but it's much easier said than done. I'll be reworking this one a lot probably.
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I do admit that this one could use a lot of work. I'll probably be rewriting the whole thing a week or two from now.
Also. Please ID yourselves commenters!
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