Life changes
I'm going public - shares available, dirt cheap...or rather, a rare bargain as I always strive to avoid being "cheap."
Marion:
How should I live?
Maybe that's not the question.
How should I think?
I know so little...maybe because I'm too curious.
I often think in a wrong way because I think as if I were talking to someone else.
Inside closed eyes, close the eyes again...then even the stones come alive.
Etre parle couleurs.
The colors. Noon lights in the evening sky...
I only need to be ready and all the world's men will look at me.
Longing.
Longing for a wave of love that will stir in me.
That's what makes me clumsy - the absence of pleasure.
Desire to love.
Desire to love.
-Wim Wender's Wings of Desire
Another friend died a week or two ago. Don't think I mentioned it - he was my good friend, E's, boyfriend for a while, which is how we met, and an incredibly talented artist and gifted teacher to kids in desperate need of guidance like his.
But his death was a blessing, and a long time coming. He, too, died of alcoholism, and it took about two years. A long, slow, painful death that hurt most of the people around him, not just himself. I'd avoided contact with him over the last year because he'd become a sloppy drunk, and belligerent - the alcohol affecting his mental faculties.
Life is so short and if I don't break out, take chances, I'll never have a chance to achieve my goals. Most I've managed, and that's great, but finding a life companion? Yeah, I'm still the woman who inspires passion, even psychotic, obsessive behavior, but not commitment, and that bugs the ever-living crap out of me.
Thing is, it's my fault - I've let my trauma make me feel "damaged." My life is chaotic at best, and that's mostly my own doing. My family are horrid and I enable them to be so, while carrying most of the burdens they refuse to share.
Who on earth would want to get involved in all of that?
So, getting back on meds was the next step for moving forward. Not being afraid of dating was a good beginning. But more needs to happen.
I need to bring positive energy into my life - I also need a serious spiritual and home-based cleansing! There's some bad mojo floating around me...
On the interesting side:I fell hard on Saturday while walking the pups. Aiko got spooked, bolted, and knocked me into the air. I landed on my bad knee with my full body weight, then fell over since it couldn't support me. It's a long story as to why it happened but what was most amusing was my own ego.
You all know that because of the adhesions, once I'm down I can't get up...the proverbial turtle (although I've been told they can actually turn themselves over). But I was holding a bag of stinky dog poo, aside from not being willing to acknowledge to the myriad of kind folks offering to help me up that I couldn't do it on my own, even if I hadn't been injured.
But, after a minute or two I gave in and said they were right, I needed assistance, and let them help. I've been slowly recovering ever since but given the last...oh, lifetime? I welcome the physical pain to mask the emotional pain. Hey, I'll take what I can get right now, m'kay? And really, it was kind of funny despite the pain - talk about ego! Because of my not wanting to explain my physical limitations, not to mention the fact I was holding the stinky bag, I laid their like a floundering fish...and now I feel awful for those poor people who didn't understand... *rolls eyes at self*
So, I'm gimpy, but still looking forward to a positive life change. As such, many of my posts will be public - just to forewarn you (I'll mark them, of course). I've also linked my name to the journal. I've spent a lifetime letting sickos control my life, hiding from them for survival. At 43 it's long past time for me to take my life back and step into the light, hopefully find some warmth along the way...
Marion:
How should I live?
Maybe that's not the question.
How should I think?
I know so little...maybe because I'm too curious.
I often think in a wrong way because I think as if I were talking to someone else.
Inside closed eyes, close the eyes again...then even the stones come alive.
Etre parle couleurs.
The colors. Noon lights in the evening sky...
I only need to be ready and all the world's men will look at me.
Longing.
Longing for a wave of love that will stir in me.
That's what makes me clumsy - the absence of pleasure.
Desire to love.
Desire to love.
-Wim Wender's Wings of Desire
Another friend died a week or two ago. Don't think I mentioned it - he was my good friend, E's, boyfriend for a while, which is how we met, and an incredibly talented artist and gifted teacher to kids in desperate need of guidance like his.
But his death was a blessing, and a long time coming. He, too, died of alcoholism, and it took about two years. A long, slow, painful death that hurt most of the people around him, not just himself. I'd avoided contact with him over the last year because he'd become a sloppy drunk, and belligerent - the alcohol affecting his mental faculties.
Life is so short and if I don't break out, take chances, I'll never have a chance to achieve my goals. Most I've managed, and that's great, but finding a life companion? Yeah, I'm still the woman who inspires passion, even psychotic, obsessive behavior, but not commitment, and that bugs the ever-living crap out of me.
Thing is, it's my fault - I've let my trauma make me feel "damaged." My life is chaotic at best, and that's mostly my own doing. My family are horrid and I enable them to be so, while carrying most of the burdens they refuse to share.
Who on earth would want to get involved in all of that?
So, getting back on meds was the next step for moving forward. Not being afraid of dating was a good beginning. But more needs to happen.
I need to bring positive energy into my life - I also need a serious spiritual and home-based cleansing! There's some bad mojo floating around me...
On the interesting side:I fell hard on Saturday while walking the pups. Aiko got spooked, bolted, and knocked me into the air. I landed on my bad knee with my full body weight, then fell over since it couldn't support me. It's a long story as to why it happened but what was most amusing was my own ego.
You all know that because of the adhesions, once I'm down I can't get up...the proverbial turtle (although I've been told they can actually turn themselves over). But I was holding a bag of stinky dog poo, aside from not being willing to acknowledge to the myriad of kind folks offering to help me up that I couldn't do it on my own, even if I hadn't been injured.
But, after a minute or two I gave in and said they were right, I needed assistance, and let them help. I've been slowly recovering ever since but given the last...oh, lifetime? I welcome the physical pain to mask the emotional pain. Hey, I'll take what I can get right now, m'kay? And really, it was kind of funny despite the pain - talk about ego! Because of my not wanting to explain my physical limitations, not to mention the fact I was holding the stinky bag, I laid their like a floundering fish...and now I feel awful for those poor people who didn't understand... *rolls eyes at self*
So, I'm gimpy, but still looking forward to a positive life change. As such, many of my posts will be public - just to forewarn you (I'll mark them, of course). I've also linked my name to the journal. I've spent a lifetime letting sickos control my life, hiding from them for survival. At 43 it's long past time for me to take my life back and step into the light, hopefully find some warmth along the way...