Note 6: Dear Lolo, Rest in Peace
Me and my grandfather aren't really close. Actually, i don't even have that special bond with him. I remember when i was a kid, i was mad at him. Because he yelled m so bad for something i did not do. Therefore since then, i wasn't really the kid who runs to him when i see him and hug him like he's the most favorite person i have in this world.
He was diagnosed with diabetes so many years back and it was very evident as time flies. He gets more irritated easily and keeps on yelling. His eyesight is failing terribly as well. There was this time that his blood sugar just dropped and he fainted. When he woke up, he couldn't remember his sons. It was heartbreaking, i thought. That one day your father will wake up asking "who are you".
I knew he wasn't going to last long. My grandmother still hopes though. My grand mother was still very strong and has a long way to go before she dies. So i can't tell her not to hope so much that lolo (grandpa) will be strong again. All the laboratory results were confusing for her. and i can't bring to tell her that all of them were not good. that lolo is just counting the days. I decided not to tell.
Yesterday, i went there and saw my lolo asking me to help him sit up. He was too heavy and i can't lift him up all by myself so i asked my aunt to help me. But the two of us can't do it too. So my other grandfather was the only option left. and he said, "you're gonna ask to sit and lie down. sit and lie down. it can't be always like that!" he said. I was damn pissed when he said that. OF COURSE HE'LL ASK LIKE THAT. and their role as guardians is to help him. If they can't do that, then they should have hired a private nurse. or left him in the hospital where he'll be taken cared of more. i was so mad. because i can't tell them what they do because they don't listen. I know what to do, but they won't let me. and i can't do it alone. it was frustrating to me. then my lolo who was sick told my other lolo "it's so hard. do you think i will fall?" In a very nice polite manner even after being yelled at. I wanted to break down and cry right there.
When he was admitted to the hospital for dialysis, he knew, he knew he was going to die soon. And he keeps on telling the people who are with him that he doesn't want to be alone. and that he is so scared.
The other day, during my uncle (his son's) birthday, he suddenly pointed somewhere "Look, there's a ghost." and yesterday evening, he kept on calling "Nelson, Nelson.." (my other uncle who died so many years ago). Last night, while he was boweling, he kept on screaming. It was so painful and he kept on screaming my lola (grandma's) name. He locked the door so everyone is on panic. When they opened the door, he was already lying on the floor, dead.
My mom was devastated when she found out about the news. She yelled and screamed at how miserable she felt. she said the reason why she can't sleep last night was because my lolo is looking for her. my grandma said that he keeps on asking for my mom. and nobody went to get my mom. My mom was so mad.
It was so painful. But then again, i thank God for taking him. He's in a better place now. He'll be taken care of then.
Dear Lolo,
I'm so sorry i wasnt able to help you. That i wasn't fit to be your personal caregiver. That what i study at school, is not enough to help you. Lolo, i hope that you are in a better place now. younger, livelier, and healthier. Please say hi to Tito Nelson for us. And continue watching over us. I know, God will not let you be harmed there. You're free now. Enjoy your next life.
And i love you so much.
-Arian.
He was diagnosed with diabetes so many years back and it was very evident as time flies. He gets more irritated easily and keeps on yelling. His eyesight is failing terribly as well. There was this time that his blood sugar just dropped and he fainted. When he woke up, he couldn't remember his sons. It was heartbreaking, i thought. That one day your father will wake up asking "who are you".
I knew he wasn't going to last long. My grandmother still hopes though. My grand mother was still very strong and has a long way to go before she dies. So i can't tell her not to hope so much that lolo (grandpa) will be strong again. All the laboratory results were confusing for her. and i can't bring to tell her that all of them were not good. that lolo is just counting the days. I decided not to tell.
Yesterday, i went there and saw my lolo asking me to help him sit up. He was too heavy and i can't lift him up all by myself so i asked my aunt to help me. But the two of us can't do it too. So my other grandfather was the only option left. and he said, "you're gonna ask to sit and lie down. sit and lie down. it can't be always like that!" he said. I was damn pissed when he said that. OF COURSE HE'LL ASK LIKE THAT. and their role as guardians is to help him. If they can't do that, then they should have hired a private nurse. or left him in the hospital where he'll be taken cared of more. i was so mad. because i can't tell them what they do because they don't listen. I know what to do, but they won't let me. and i can't do it alone. it was frustrating to me. then my lolo who was sick told my other lolo "it's so hard. do you think i will fall?" In a very nice polite manner even after being yelled at. I wanted to break down and cry right there.
When he was admitted to the hospital for dialysis, he knew, he knew he was going to die soon. And he keeps on telling the people who are with him that he doesn't want to be alone. and that he is so scared.
The other day, during my uncle (his son's) birthday, he suddenly pointed somewhere "Look, there's a ghost." and yesterday evening, he kept on calling "Nelson, Nelson.." (my other uncle who died so many years ago). Last night, while he was boweling, he kept on screaming. It was so painful and he kept on screaming my lola (grandma's) name. He locked the door so everyone is on panic. When they opened the door, he was already lying on the floor, dead.
My mom was devastated when she found out about the news. She yelled and screamed at how miserable she felt. she said the reason why she can't sleep last night was because my lolo is looking for her. my grandma said that he keeps on asking for my mom. and nobody went to get my mom. My mom was so mad.
It was so painful. But then again, i thank God for taking him. He's in a better place now. He'll be taken care of then.
Dear Lolo,
I'm so sorry i wasnt able to help you. That i wasn't fit to be your personal caregiver. That what i study at school, is not enough to help you. Lolo, i hope that you are in a better place now. younger, livelier, and healthier. Please say hi to Tito Nelson for us. And continue watching over us. I know, God will not let you be harmed there. You're free now. Enjoy your next life.
And i love you so much.
-Arian.