VM fic: "Searching For Life" Chapter Four 5/7 (Logan/Veronica) R
Title: Searching For Life- Chapter Four (5/7)
Author: love_is_epic
Rating: R
Warnings: What can I say? Logan and Veronica have real potty mouths this time around.
Word Count: 6222 this chapter; 28,238 total.
Characters/Pairings: Logan/Veronica, Logan/OFC, Keith, various others.
Spoilers: Goes AU during 3x13 (Post-Game Mortem).
Disclaimer: I do not own any of Veronica Mars nor its characters. I write strictly for fun and undeserved praise. I don’t make any money from this.
Summary: Sometimes finding what you’ve been searching for is harder than not finding it at all. Letting it go is even harder. This is a LoVe story that spans years, three-quarters of a continent and maybe a little bloodshed. They wouldn’t be epic without it.
A/N: This is an ongoing Christmas present (like last 2008 santa) for the most awesome vanessagalore for vm_santa. I really hope she likes gifts that keep on giving : )
Links to previous chapters as well as another author’s note under the cut.
A/N2: Sorry about the long wait. I have tons of reasons why but I’m sure you don’t care - you just want to read ; ) My beta, afrocurl is absolute perfection. She made this readable in like one day. So, a big, fat, THANK YOU to her is in order. I hope she’ll forgive me for dissing her whisky ; ) The rest of the mistakes are all mine. Also, I’d love to express my gratitude to p2880 who is the quickest first reader ever. I can’t tell you how much I value her honest opinions and encouragement.
Of course I can’t forget my wonderful cheerleaders!! You all are awesome! And many thanks to those who kept on me about updating this thing. If you hadn’t, who knows how long it would have been! So keep up the nagging motivation!
Previous Chapters
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The years had hardly endeared Neptune’s stuffy elite to Logan, but unfortunately, they were a necessary evil when you needed to promote a charity. Nothing spelled worthy cause to the upper crust like fancy parties and high profile photo-ops. Logan was counting on that very thing, however, as he presided over his Summer Lights Charity Gala, hoping to raise an obscene amount of money during the evening for Families of the Missing.
The Enbom family had been so gracious as to lend their expansive estate to the cause, and if Logan could help it, quite a bit monetarily, too. Their sprawling property backed up to a bluff overlooking the ocean with hardly any slope at all. It created the perfect place for the two large white tents that served as temporary ballrooms where the guests gathered.
No expense was spared on the inside of the extravagant domes. Chandeliers hung low from the ceilings, white tablecloths and elegant silver centerpieces adorned numerous round tables. A small orchestra played soft melodies in the slightly smaller of the two tents, allowing for dancing well into the night on the spacious, square parquet floor.
He’d spotted Veronica the moment she’d walked into the reception area, looking as stunning tonight as she ever had. Her long hair was pinned up, soft tendrils curled down around her face and her navy blue evening gown was a striking contrast to her exquisite milky skin. The front of the dress plunged low into a deep vee, teasing him with a view of the valley between her breasts, begging him to remember what it was like to taste her there.
She was walking temptation, and he was desperately trying to forget that Veronica wasn’t the woman in his life. He had a wife - a beautiful, kind and talented wife. Ever since that night at the beach a few weeks ago, though, he’d found it to be harder to ignore their connection, their need for each other. He was trying, but a man could only take so much. He wondered if Veronica had the same quandary, if she had any clue of the torture she was unwillingly putting him through.
Much to his chagrin, Logan realized he wasn’t the only man in the room keeping sight of Veronica. His old friend sidled up beside him, oblivious as always to Logan’s innermost reflections.
“Dude, your ex is looking hot. Mind if -”
John Enbom was cut off quickly. “Yes. I do. Stay away from Veronica,” he warned, unsmiling, a sliver of unstrained anger flowing beneath the surface. Logan’s shoulders were tense, the emotional rollercoaster of the last few months beginning to catch up with him. He knew it was going to be a long night.
John faced him with his hands up, palms out defensively. “All right- I get it, man. Mars is off limits. Duly noted.”
A moment of awkward silence went by as once again, the two men turned their attention to the tiny blonde across the tent. Veronica was nothing if not intoxicating and Logan couldn’t take his eyes off her. His thoughts strayed to last time they were intimate, so long ago now, but like yesterday in his mind. He fidgeted, attempting to repress the familiar ache that surfaced when he yearned to touch every inch of her.
Logan watched as Brady Carr, the wannabbe knight in shining armor, approached her from behind and leaned over to whisper in her ear. Veronica seemed at ease, a warm smile on her face, her head tilting back in laughter. Her companion’s hand slid down to the small of her back, caressing small openings of naked skin along the way.
As he observed their interactions, he noted with great displeasure their obvious level of comfort with each other. It was so intimate, so sexual, and Logan’s blood boiled. Rationally, he knew he had no claim over her but it didn’t stop him from trying to keep all members of the opposite sex away. He told himself that it wasn’t because he was jealous, that he only Veronica’s best interest at heart but it by now it all seemed so trite.
“So, what’s up with her and that lawyer guy?” John inquired, startling Logan who’d forgotten he was there.
“They’re just friends,” he replied succinctly.
John snorted. “Right. Well if he ain’t hittin’ it yet- he definitely wants to.”
Before he knew it, his irritation got the best of him and Logan had him by the lapels of his tuxedo. “Shut. Up. John.” The flicker of fear in his friend’s eyes caused him to deflate, releasing his hold. Logan pulled at the material straightening the suit coat, embarrassed that he’d gone that far. As always, the progress he’d made seemed to go down the drain whenever Veronica was near.
Despite his anger, though, he knew John was right. There was no doubt in his mind that Brady Carr wanted Veronica and he’d be damned if he’d let that happen. She was still trying to get her life back on track and she didn’t need an entitled rich kid like Carr trying to put the moves on her. Brady could dress it up all he wanted with his fancy lawyer talk and faux sensitivity but Logan knew punks like him, hell, he had been a punk like him. He would have a talk with him - let Brady know to keep away, that Veronica was off limits.
He wasn’t even there but news in Neptune had always traveled fast. Logan had dismissed Brady Carr the moment he strolled into town with his Ivy League education and altruistic view of the world. He thought he could change the world one small case at a time and when Logan found out about his side work, he loathed him for finding Neptune to do it in.
Brady had taken an interest in the missing daughter of the Neptune Sheriff one night after a poker game with Cliff. The stories of her resilience and courage had apparently captured the young attorneys attention. It didn’t hurt to have the Sheriff on your good side, Logan supposed. Shortly thereafter, Brady had begun helping Keith with Veronica’s case wherever and whenever he could. Even though by that time, Logan had been in San Francisco for quite a while and had clearly moved on, it had hurt watching some other guy do the same thing from which he’d repeatedly reminded himself he’d moved on.
“It’s hard to be the understanding wife when your husband is looking at another woman like that,” the voice whispered in his ear. Sarah chuckled nervously and Logan hated the underlying insecurity he could hear in her voice - hated that he was the one to put it there.
“Sorry. It’s just that…”
Sarah reached out and took both of his hands in hers. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re worried about her- it’s hard to turn those things off, I know.” She paused a moment before catching his gaze, and for the first time, Logan caught a glimpse of something simmering just below the surface. There was a pleading in her eyes but he swore he saw a little jealously and anger, too. “But you’ve got to let her move on Logan. You’ve moved on and you’re happy- at least I hope you are.”
He was probably just imagining those things but even if he wasn’t, Sarah was the kindest, most patient person Logan had ever met. He was so wrapped up in the drama that had always followed him and Veronica to notice that she was hurting, too. He’d certainly given her more than one occasion to feel that way.
He pulled her close, and dropped a kiss on her forehead in the most intimate of gestures. “I’ll never figure out why you put up with me the way you do.”
“I’m here for you Logan. Anything you need, I’m right here,” she told him resolutely. He searched her again for any hint of resentment, but found none. If it was there, she’d quickly hid it.
“It’s been…” he trailed off, searching for something meaningful to say, something to assure her. “I know things haven’t been the best lately. Difficult is an understatement. But, please, just stick by me? I don’t deserve it, believe me, I know. Love me, that’s all I ask,” he sighed against her hair.
“Well, I actually think it’s pretty easy seeing as I already do. And will forever.”
With his wife fitted securely in his embrace, Logan thought that maybe the evening wouldn’t be so hard after all. Of course as soon as those words came to his mind, he felt a familiar gaze upon him, the constant reminder of one step forward, two steps back.
When he looked up and in the direction of where Veronica had stood, she was gone. He didn’t know if that made him relieved or left wanting. One thing he did know, though - it was a bad idea, but he was going to have a talk with Brady Carr.
For Veronica, every day small memories were coming back to her - little things here and there: feelings, people, places all made appearances in and out of her mind. Except for the dreams she’d told Logan about, though, she hadn’t told anyone. The pain of everyone moving on without her was just too great for to bear - at least everyone but her father. How could she tell them all that she remembered and it was far more painful than forgetting ever was?
She had heartbreakingly watched Logan with his wife from across the room. They seemed to be so in love. When he’d placed a kiss on Sarah’s forehead, the small hole in her chest become large enough that she physically ached from it. She tried so hard to keep the feelings she had for Logan at bay, willing them to stay hidden in the depths of wistful memories and the dreams of a mostly forgotten girl. But despite her efforts to move into a future of her own making, her body ached to be the one under Logan’s lips and her mind screamed that he was being unfaithful to her.
Veronica had always thought their love was special- at least that’s how it felt in her dreams. How was it possible that he could give his heart to another? It was ironic - for all her remembering, she wished more than anything that she could forget like he apparently had. How had he done it? She had to know so that one day, maybe, she could do the same thing.
In the haze of mental chaos that always surrounded her, she found herself wandering the grounds of the Enbom Estate, taking in the grounds with its opulent pool and intricate stone enclosure. Soft lanterns adorned the brick walkways and the breeze off the ocean wafted the music from one of the beautifully imposed tents. The lush green landscaping was meticulously cared for, no doubt by immigrant workers making barely enough to feed their families.
Her thoughts strayed to Rosa and her grandson, Mario, remembering how kind they were to her. Veronica hated to leave them without saying goodbye, but she had no choice. She somehow felt like she was putting them in danger by staying at their home.
So she’d left Mexico in the back of a white cargo van along with a load of coyotes. They had thankfully made it across the border into Arizona without detection. After an exhausting three days in the desert, where she had thought she was going to die or more than one occasion, she made it into a town. Veronica had bought supplies with the money she’d gotten from selling the necklace she’d been wearing, and dyed her hair brown in the bathroom of the bus station. The rest of the money she used on a bus ticket that would take her as far as the money would allow. That’s how she had found herself in Alabama.
It seemed like ages ago now, and was grateful. Those days were so lonely, so frightening; she had no desire to relive them.
Veronica turned to return to the party, having decided that she had been gone long enough. She’d wanted to be alone for a minute and collect herself. Seeing Logan happy and in love was effecting her more than she wanted to admit, more than she ever thought it would.
Before she could take a step she heard muffled voices behind the hedges closest to the house, peeking her natural curiosity. She moved quietly across the grass until she could make out the outline of two men, one of which was very large, hidden partially by the Enbom’s pool house. The other was smoking a cigar what she thought to be a cigar. Her new vantage point allowed her to hear the men more clearly.
“Look, I got new eyes at the Sheriff’s Office. He tells me that the Sheriff hasn’t found anything new, but he’s leaving no stone unturned in his investigation. I just want you to be prepared,” the cigar-smoking man informed the other.
“I thought I took care of that problem, already.”
“Well you did a shitty job because Mars reopened that Tommy kid’s case. I’m warning you - none of this better get back to me.”
“Relax. No one even knows who I am, forget about trying to tie me to you. It’s not gonna happen.”
“It better not. This is beginning to get sloppy and I don’t like sloppy,” the man who Veronica thought was probably the boss, forewarned the him.
“Look, if it wasn’t for your boy going all half-cocked in the first place, you wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with. If you want to take it out on someone- take it out on pretty boy.”
He took a puff of his cigar. “I should have told him about his father sooner, but, I can’t do anything about that now. It would raise too many more questions. Besides, the gambling business is making me big money right now, not to mention the steroids. The whole setup is a gold mine.”
“Fine. You’re the boss. Just tell him to keep his mouth shut no matter what. We don’t need him growing a conscience on us.”
“I don’t think we have anything to worry about. He’s got way too much to lose now. Now get out of here before someone sees you.”
The larger man walked away and Veronica could only catch a glimpse of him in his chauffer’s uniform. She quickly walked in the opposite direction, not wanting to be spotted by the cigar smoker, but she determined to find out what was going on. She knew she should go to her father with the information but she simply couldn’t. She wanted to prove to herself and to everyone that she still had it, that despite the jumbled cached of self-doubt and memories inside, she was still Veronica Mars.
The blood was running quickly through her veins and Veronica felt a shot of adrenaline, the likes of which she hadn’t felt in a long time. It felt so natural, the thrill of the chase, the fear of getting caught. She remembered why she must have loved sleuthing so much.
She had barely come within sight of the party when she smacked squarely into someone’s chest. Veronica gasped before teetering on her feet, afraid that she’d been caught. Strong arms steadied her and she immediately recognized both the familiar touch and scent.
“Whoa. Where are you going in such a hurry?” Logan inquired, silently thrilled he’d run across her.
“I need to go, Logan. Please let me go,” she pleaded, determined to search the row of limousines at the front the estate.
“Hey, hey.” Logan started. He could tell something was wrong right away. She looked a little like a cross between a wild animal and a scared child. “What is it? You can tell me.”
“It’s… it’s nothing. Just never mind. It’s not important,” she told him, determining the men were long gone by now. And it wasn’t worth risking Logan finding out about what she planned on doing. “Did you want something?”
“No. Not really. I just,” he started, running his fingers through his hair nervously. Logan didn’t know what made him act like a fumbling schoolboy every time he was around Veronica.
“What’s going on with you and that lawyer?” he asked, figuring now was as a good a time as any to corner her about Brady.
Veronica gaped at him, incredulous. She didn’t know whether it was because he’d interrupted her snooping, because seeing him and Sarah together had pained her more than she wanted to admit, or because he had the balls to ask her such a question. It was probably a mixture of all three.
“None of your business, Logan,” she snapped.
“Hey. What’s with all the hostility?”
Veronica sighed, registering that she was being a little hateful. She didn’t mean to be, but it was so hard to be without him, especially with the more she realized they had no future.
“We’re friends. That’s all. And really, why does it matter?” she asked him, defeated.
“I don’t think he’s good enough for you, Veronica. I’ve seen creeps like him, preying on weak women. I just don’t want to see you hurt.”
“Weak?! That’s what you think of me?!” She didn’t know exactly what caused it, but that one statement made her break. She was tired of people treating her with kid gloves, walking around her like they were on eggshells.
“You have no fucking idea what I’ve been through, Logan, no fucking idea. Hell, even I don’t know half of what happened to me. But I held it together - I made a new life for myself and when it came time to confront the past I did it, even when it hurt more than anything should have to. So you know what?? Fuck you, Logan, for thinking I’m weak.”
“I didn’t mean you were weak,” he back-peddled. “I know you’re not weak. I just meant - I didn’t want him taking advantage of your situation. I know you can take care of yourself but you’ve been through a lot, too. Some guys like to use that.”
“Yeah, well, you don’t have any say in who does or doesn't try to take advantage of me, anyway. And for the record, Brady’s not like that.”
Veronica felt him studying her closely, as if she were a fragile doll, like the next words out of his mouth would break her. She wasn’t weak, despite some days feeling like it. The constant disappointment she saw in people’s eyes when she didn’t remember certain things or say something she would have always said was discouraging. It was wearing her thin, on the inside and out, and it was very hard to keep up the rouse of being fine.
She was becoming to realize that she just wanted to be left alone, to find herself on her own. She didn’t want to become the Veronica Mars that was, but one that was better - the Veronica Mars that she’d be eventually. It was becoming more and more clear that Logan could never be part of that life, even as friends - not if she ever wanted to get over him.
“I have to go, Logan.” She made a move to get around him but he caught her by the arm, preventing her from leaving.
“Veronica, stop. Just, wait a minute.”
“Logan, please. I just can’t. If you ever loved me at all, you’ll leave me alone and let me try and get on with what’s left of the life I don’t remember.”
“That’s just it, Veronica. You do remember,” he chided her gently. She knew that he could see her trembling as leaned close, caressing her bare arm. He pulled it back quickly, though, as if he realized who she was now, who they both were now.
Veronica dropped her head down, squeezed her eyes shut as if she could will him and his words away. She did remember things about her life, like the fact that she was strong, or she used to be anyway. She could not and would not fall apart in front of Logan Echolls again. Not this time - not when she’d worked so hard these last few months to pick up the pieces - to try to move on without him. She breathed in through her nose and steeled her shoulders for the hardest thing she had had to do so far in her new life.
“No,” she started, her voice raised, finger pointed in his direction. “You want to know what I remember Logan? I remember going to bed every night wondering what the large weight pressed on my chest was, why every morning I woke up with a gaping hole where my heart should be, wondering why I didn’t have anyone who cared for me, who loved me!
“I remember coming back home after being missing for ten years, not knowing who I was or where I belonged, not knowing that all that time had friends who loved me and a father who would go to the ends of the earth to find me.
“You want to know what else I remember?” she asked, hand pressed against her chest, voice strained, her eyes beginning to well up with tears. “I remember finding out that the man I dreamed and fantasized about loving me more than any other, the supposed love of my life was married to someone else. I remember realizing the large gaping wound in my heart had a name, your name, and knowing that instead of my homecoming being the happiest day of my life that the deep wounds would be there forever.”
She paused to collect herself before continuing. “I had to do a lot of things Logan, to keep myself alive, a lot of things I’m not proud of, but I knew it would be worth it all if I just find out where I belonged. And you know what? It was. I have my Dad and my friends.
“But I can’t have you Logan, not anymore. You have to let me move on with my life and you have to move on with yours. I know you feel guilty and I am sorry, but I can’t be responsible for that. That’s something you’ll have to deal with on your own, or with Sarah. Let her love you like I never could,” she told him softly as she reached up and ran a comforting hand across his cheek. “I’ll carry scars the rest of my life. The sooner you let me begin to heal, the faster they’ll fade away. Please, Logan - I’m just ready to put it all behind me.”
With that she was gone, leaving Logan too stunned to move, too afraid to breathe. The fog of her words floated around him trying desperately to settle somewhere within him. But he couldn’t accept that, didn’t want to take her words in as truth. But the longer he stood, the more he realized she was right. He couldn’t make her responsible for his own guilt. That wasn’t fair to her or to Sarah and he had an obligation to them both. He had to let Veronica move on once and for all but he knew from experience that was easier said than done.
Logan turned in the opposite direction from which Veronica went, intent on returning to the party. Instead, he caught sight of Brady Carr standing only a few feet away. The look in his eyes told Logan he was ready to lay into him, that he had at least heard part of his and Veronica’s conversation. In his experience, a good defense was always a better offense, so he turned his jackass mode into high gear.
“Ah, the strapping young lawyer. Out of for a midnight stroll?” Logan asked, mocking.
“Stay away from Veronica.” Brady warned him. He’d affected the same serious tone Logan had used with John Enbom earlier that evening - the one that assured the recipient that he knew what was at stake and he meant business.
“Huh. That’s funny. I was about to tell you the same thing.”
“You only make her upset. You’re not what she needs right now.”
Logan laughed sardonically. “And you are?”
“Yes.” Brady replied sincerely. “I can help her get her life back - I am trying to help her get her life back.”
“And what the hell would you know about her life? You don’t know the first thing about Veronica Mars. Oh, you think you do - you think just because you’ve spent time with her father, because somehow you’ve insinuated yourself into their small, tight knit family, probably shared a couple of fleeting romantic moments, that you’re an expert. Well, let me ask you something, you self-righteous, pompous ass.
“Do you know what makes her butter her toast backwards or know the reason she hates pink? Do you know what dark shadows make her cry at night? Why she has matching scars on the inside of her palms? I’m sure you read up on her plenty - studied her, picked the brains of those around her, but you’ll never know all of her.” Logan spit out, his eyes flashing dangerously.
“You’ll never know why she doesn’t want children or is grateful she’s an only child. You’ll never know her most intimate pleasure spots or how to make her moan without even touching her. You’ll never know what it’s like to have her laid bare, spent and sated, in your arms.”
Logan was going too far, he knew it, but he just couldn’t stop himself. He continued his tirade. “And even if by some miracle she does sleep with you, you’ll never know what it’s like to have all of her, because a part of her will always belong to me. A part of her will always think of me when it’s you she’s in bed with. Even if it’s your name on her lips, it’ll be mine embedded in her soul.
“You’ll never be good enough for her, Brady Carr. You can flaunt your high-dollar education and your false comforts all you want - you and I know that you’ll always be a replacement for who she really dreams about.”
He barely got the last word out before the fist came flying at his face. Brady may have been a pretty boy, but he knew how to hit, Logan realized just a little too late. Logan managed to catch himself with his right arm before he hit the ground, and used the lower spot to his advantage. He threw his whole body into the other man, tackling him to the ground. They rolled about on the sidewalk and across the grass, inflicting pain where they could, forgetting about the party and their expensive tuxes.
Logan vaguely heard voices yelling for them to stop, but he was too far-gone to pay them any attention. He landed a punch directly to Brady’s face, causing blood to gush from the lawyer’s nose, before being roughly pulled up and off of him by his collar. As the other man was being helped up from his supine position on the ground, Logan was fighting the urge to punch him again. The adrenaline was still running forcefully through his veins, though, and he found it impossible to let it go.
“Stay away from Veronica or I’ll show you what being an Echolls really means!” he warned. Logan threw the arms holding him back off of him, and wiped his bloodied lip on his two thousand dollar suit.
“Shut the hell up, Logan. You have no claim on her. If were half the man your wife deserved, you would realize that you’re hurting everyone around you, especially those you claim to love.”
Logan had good enough sense to feel guilty, swallowing hard at what deep down he knew what was the truth. It was that Veronica made him crazy and when it came to her, it never took him very long to revert to the sad-shell of a person he’d known he was all along. It didn’t matter how far he’d come or how he’d gotten there, he knew he’d be damned until the day he died.
Deflated, and with the fight drained out of him, Logan decided it was best if he headed home. He had other people who could assure that the fundraiser went smoothly. Besides, at the moment, he was doing less than a stand up job himself. He was grateful the incident took place far enough away from the tents that most people wouldn’t have any idea what went on.
The haze of his anger lifted and he saw John behind him with a look halfway between shock and awe on his face. However, the sight that greeted Logan over his friend’s shoulder hurt deeper than any punch to the gut he’d received only moments before. There stood Sarah, the tear tracks on her cheeks clearly showing in the moonlight, her expression one of disbelief and heartbreak. He prayed to God she hadn’t heard it all.
He immediately made his way towards her, only to be stopped by a hand in the air, her justified anger apparent. “Don’t Logan. Just don’t.”
She seemed to choose her words carefully. “I think I’ve been pretty damn understanding. I was your friend, remember?!” Her tone was slightly bitter and this time Logan had no doubt about the well-hidden hostility he’d thought he’d seen from her earlier. “I was with you all those months and years so I know how much Veronica means to you. I was the shoulder you cried on, the one who cleaned up your liquor bottles, who helped you mail countless missing person flyers and answer telephone calls! I was there! So don’t think for a minute that I don’t know!
“But I’m your wife now, Logan. You told me you’d moved on from this, that I was the most important thing in your life! You’ve must have lied, Logan - it’s the only explanation that I can think of.”
Sarah paused, collected herself and continued in a softer tone. “God knows why, but I’m giving you the choice now. If you can’t let go of Veronica once and for all, then fine, I’ll bow out gracefully. But if you want to stick it out, honor our marriage vows, promise that you’ll love me like you said you would, then I’ll stay and we’ll fight like hell to make this work.
“I love you Logan - I love you more than I ever should have, but it’s time to make a choice. It has to be her or me. I can’t live being caught up in the middle anymore. So the choice is yours, but I won’t stay in a marriage where I’m second choice, the replacement. I don’t deserve that, Logan.”
Logan listened as Sarah laid it all out before him. Ever since Veronica came back the guilt had flowed through him constantly, but now it thoroughly consumed him. She was right. Every word out of her beautiful mouth was the truth. He’d been a horrible husband. He’d promised to cherish her, to love her and only her and he’d selfishly let the past stand in the way of their future. He wanted to tell her how utterly sorry he was, how thankful that she hadn’t dumped his ass long ago but she cut him off before he ever had the chance.
“I’m going home. I suggest you stay and clean up this mess you made. We will,” she started before faltering slightly. “We’ll talk about this more at home. We’ve, or I guess you, have got some decisions to make.” With that said, Sarah departed briskly, leaving no room for arguments. He wasn’t even sure he had one to give.
“Fuck!” he screamed in the air, both hand gripping his forehead. “Fuck!”
It was times like these that made him remember that he was right before - his life would always be a train wreck. He could attempt to move on, to be a better man, but he would always be Logan Echolls, jackass extraordinaire, son of a child-abusing murderer and a selfish, cowardly drunk.
He headed off for the now abandoned dinner tent, intent on stopping by the bar first. Logan needed a drink - several in fact.
An hour later and Logan was sprawled out in a white wooden chair, only a bottle to keep him company. He rather preferred it that way - the relative silence assisting in clearing his head.
Of course, it couldn’t be forever, he realized, as he heard footsteps behind him.
“Fuck off, Enbom. I told you - I don’t feel like partying right now.”
“It looks like you’re doing a pretty good job of that on your own,” the unexpected voice advised him.
Surprise flickered through him yet he failed to turn at the man’s voice, taking a drink from the tumbler in front of him instead.
“I suppose you’re here to tell me that I’m a lunatic and to stay away from your daughter - that I should move on like I assured you I did a while ago.”
Keith sat down in the chair beside him, leaning over the table, arms crossed on its white linen covering.
“You know,” Keith commented thoughtfully. “I don’t think I ever completely moved on from Lianne. She wasn’t always an alcoholic. She was a great mother and wife once and I couldn’t have been happier. I don’t think a man forgets what it’s like to have that.”
Logan nodded and reached for a clean glass across the table, pouring the whiskey into it. “Here, have some Jack,” he offered the older man.
Logan tilted his own glass towards himself, the amber liquid angled upwards in the crystal. He stared long and hard as he swirled the southern cocktail around inside, savoring every aspect of its more redeeming qualities.
“Did you know that Jack Daniel’s mellows its whisky through ten feet of sugar maple charcoal? And they don’t even have specific aging time- their tasters tell them when it’s ready. They really know their spirits in Tennessee,” Logan mused. “Maybe I’ll go down there and get a job when Sarah kicks me out.”
Keith wordlessly took the glass and savored the smooth burn. He did have to agree with him - they most definitely knew their whiskey.
“You know, I meant what I said the day of your wedding,” Keith started. “I know you think I hate you, but I don’t. I can’t blame you for moving on with your life, Logan. You did what you had to do and I respect that. You’ve turned into a fine man and have a great life to show for it. I’m proud of you and I know… I know Veronica is too,” he finished, slightly choked up.
Logan paused, his lips still attached to his glass and swallowed the emotion that the elder Mars created in him. He heard Keith take a deep breath and wondered what could be coming next.
“Listen closely, Logan, because this is very hard for me to say and I don’t say it lightly.” Keith paused slightly before continuing. “I know my daughter loved you but - and as much as it pains me to say it - she’s not really that girl anymore. I’m not sure she’ll ever be her again. Are you sure you want to ruin what you’ve worked so hard to build for someone who may never even remember who you are?”
“Dammit Keith! She does remember! Even if she hadn’t admitted as much, I can see it in her eyes! She doesn’t remember all of it, not yet, but just because she doesn’t, doesn’t mean that I don’t!” Logan paused for a moment trying to regain his composure. “I thought that seeing her would be easier now that I have Sarah. I mean, I love Sarah but it’s really hard not to remember how much I love Veronica, too.”
“I know. It’s impossible to just turn it off.” Keith reached over and touched the younger man’s shoulder and turned him so that he could see him eye to eye. “But despite what you think she’s told you, she doesn’t remember loving you, Logan. She can’t, not when she can’t even remember loving me,” he told Logan sadly. “I heard what Sarah told you tonight. You need to work things out with her, for her sake and for yours. I think that might be easier if you couldn’t come into contact with Veronica.”
“You want me to leave town?!” Logan asked incredulously.
“Maybe for just a little while. I think it would be best for all parties involved.”
Logan downed the rest of his drink and nodded, knowing the Sheriff was only trying to do right by his daughter. “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay. That’s all I ask. I’m really trying to find the right thing here but I’m pretty sure there’s not a manual for this.”
Logan chuckled half-heartedly. “I don’t think there’s ever been one where Veronica and I have been concerned.”
Keith gave him a sideways smile. “Come on. Let’s get you home. Sarah’s probably still mad but I know she’s worried, too.”
“Yeah. I wanna go home.”
Onto Chapter Five
Your comments have been what has kept me writing on this story and others. I always appreciate hearing what you have to say!
Author: love_is_epic
Rating: R
Warnings: What can I say? Logan and Veronica have real potty mouths this time around.
Word Count: 6222 this chapter; 28,238 total.
Characters/Pairings: Logan/Veronica, Logan/OFC, Keith, various others.
Spoilers: Goes AU during 3x13 (Post-Game Mortem).
Disclaimer: I do not own any of Veronica Mars nor its characters. I write strictly for fun and undeserved praise. I don’t make any money from this.
Summary: Sometimes finding what you’ve been searching for is harder than not finding it at all. Letting it go is even harder. This is a LoVe story that spans years, three-quarters of a continent and maybe a little bloodshed. They wouldn’t be epic without it.
A/N: This is an ongoing Christmas present (like last 2008 santa) for the most awesome vanessagalore for vm_santa. I really hope she likes gifts that keep on giving : )
Links to previous chapters as well as another author’s note under the cut.
A/N2: Sorry about the long wait. I have tons of reasons why but I’m sure you don’t care - you just want to read ; ) My beta, afrocurl is absolute perfection. She made this readable in like one day. So, a big, fat, THANK YOU to her is in order. I hope she’ll forgive me for dissing her whisky ; ) The rest of the mistakes are all mine. Also, I’d love to express my gratitude to p2880 who is the quickest first reader ever. I can’t tell you how much I value her honest opinions and encouragement.
Of course I can’t forget my wonderful cheerleaders!! You all are awesome! And many thanks to those who kept on me about updating this thing. If you hadn’t, who knows how long it would have been! So keep up the nagging motivation!
Previous Chapters
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The years had hardly endeared Neptune’s stuffy elite to Logan, but unfortunately, they were a necessary evil when you needed to promote a charity. Nothing spelled worthy cause to the upper crust like fancy parties and high profile photo-ops. Logan was counting on that very thing, however, as he presided over his Summer Lights Charity Gala, hoping to raise an obscene amount of money during the evening for Families of the Missing.
The Enbom family had been so gracious as to lend their expansive estate to the cause, and if Logan could help it, quite a bit monetarily, too. Their sprawling property backed up to a bluff overlooking the ocean with hardly any slope at all. It created the perfect place for the two large white tents that served as temporary ballrooms where the guests gathered.
No expense was spared on the inside of the extravagant domes. Chandeliers hung low from the ceilings, white tablecloths and elegant silver centerpieces adorned numerous round tables. A small orchestra played soft melodies in the slightly smaller of the two tents, allowing for dancing well into the night on the spacious, square parquet floor.
He’d spotted Veronica the moment she’d walked into the reception area, looking as stunning tonight as she ever had. Her long hair was pinned up, soft tendrils curled down around her face and her navy blue evening gown was a striking contrast to her exquisite milky skin. The front of the dress plunged low into a deep vee, teasing him with a view of the valley between her breasts, begging him to remember what it was like to taste her there.
She was walking temptation, and he was desperately trying to forget that Veronica wasn’t the woman in his life. He had a wife - a beautiful, kind and talented wife. Ever since that night at the beach a few weeks ago, though, he’d found it to be harder to ignore their connection, their need for each other. He was trying, but a man could only take so much. He wondered if Veronica had the same quandary, if she had any clue of the torture she was unwillingly putting him through.
Much to his chagrin, Logan realized he wasn’t the only man in the room keeping sight of Veronica. His old friend sidled up beside him, oblivious as always to Logan’s innermost reflections.
“Dude, your ex is looking hot. Mind if -”
John Enbom was cut off quickly. “Yes. I do. Stay away from Veronica,” he warned, unsmiling, a sliver of unstrained anger flowing beneath the surface. Logan’s shoulders were tense, the emotional rollercoaster of the last few months beginning to catch up with him. He knew it was going to be a long night.
John faced him with his hands up, palms out defensively. “All right- I get it, man. Mars is off limits. Duly noted.”
A moment of awkward silence went by as once again, the two men turned their attention to the tiny blonde across the tent. Veronica was nothing if not intoxicating and Logan couldn’t take his eyes off her. His thoughts strayed to last time they were intimate, so long ago now, but like yesterday in his mind. He fidgeted, attempting to repress the familiar ache that surfaced when he yearned to touch every inch of her.
Logan watched as Brady Carr, the wannabbe knight in shining armor, approached her from behind and leaned over to whisper in her ear. Veronica seemed at ease, a warm smile on her face, her head tilting back in laughter. Her companion’s hand slid down to the small of her back, caressing small openings of naked skin along the way.
As he observed their interactions, he noted with great displeasure their obvious level of comfort with each other. It was so intimate, so sexual, and Logan’s blood boiled. Rationally, he knew he had no claim over her but it didn’t stop him from trying to keep all members of the opposite sex away. He told himself that it wasn’t because he was jealous, that he only Veronica’s best interest at heart but it by now it all seemed so trite.
“So, what’s up with her and that lawyer guy?” John inquired, startling Logan who’d forgotten he was there.
“They’re just friends,” he replied succinctly.
John snorted. “Right. Well if he ain’t hittin’ it yet- he definitely wants to.”
Before he knew it, his irritation got the best of him and Logan had him by the lapels of his tuxedo. “Shut. Up. John.” The flicker of fear in his friend’s eyes caused him to deflate, releasing his hold. Logan pulled at the material straightening the suit coat, embarrassed that he’d gone that far. As always, the progress he’d made seemed to go down the drain whenever Veronica was near.
Despite his anger, though, he knew John was right. There was no doubt in his mind that Brady Carr wanted Veronica and he’d be damned if he’d let that happen. She was still trying to get her life back on track and she didn’t need an entitled rich kid like Carr trying to put the moves on her. Brady could dress it up all he wanted with his fancy lawyer talk and faux sensitivity but Logan knew punks like him, hell, he had been a punk like him. He would have a talk with him - let Brady know to keep away, that Veronica was off limits.
He wasn’t even there but news in Neptune had always traveled fast. Logan had dismissed Brady Carr the moment he strolled into town with his Ivy League education and altruistic view of the world. He thought he could change the world one small case at a time and when Logan found out about his side work, he loathed him for finding Neptune to do it in.
Brady had taken an interest in the missing daughter of the Neptune Sheriff one night after a poker game with Cliff. The stories of her resilience and courage had apparently captured the young attorneys attention. It didn’t hurt to have the Sheriff on your good side, Logan supposed. Shortly thereafter, Brady had begun helping Keith with Veronica’s case wherever and whenever he could. Even though by that time, Logan had been in San Francisco for quite a while and had clearly moved on, it had hurt watching some other guy do the same thing from which he’d repeatedly reminded himself he’d moved on.
“It’s hard to be the understanding wife when your husband is looking at another woman like that,” the voice whispered in his ear. Sarah chuckled nervously and Logan hated the underlying insecurity he could hear in her voice - hated that he was the one to put it there.
“Sorry. It’s just that…”
Sarah reached out and took both of his hands in hers. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re worried about her- it’s hard to turn those things off, I know.” She paused a moment before catching his gaze, and for the first time, Logan caught a glimpse of something simmering just below the surface. There was a pleading in her eyes but he swore he saw a little jealously and anger, too. “But you’ve got to let her move on Logan. You’ve moved on and you’re happy- at least I hope you are.”
He was probably just imagining those things but even if he wasn’t, Sarah was the kindest, most patient person Logan had ever met. He was so wrapped up in the drama that had always followed him and Veronica to notice that she was hurting, too. He’d certainly given her more than one occasion to feel that way.
He pulled her close, and dropped a kiss on her forehead in the most intimate of gestures. “I’ll never figure out why you put up with me the way you do.”
“I’m here for you Logan. Anything you need, I’m right here,” she told him resolutely. He searched her again for any hint of resentment, but found none. If it was there, she’d quickly hid it.
“It’s been…” he trailed off, searching for something meaningful to say, something to assure her. “I know things haven’t been the best lately. Difficult is an understatement. But, please, just stick by me? I don’t deserve it, believe me, I know. Love me, that’s all I ask,” he sighed against her hair.
“Well, I actually think it’s pretty easy seeing as I already do. And will forever.”
With his wife fitted securely in his embrace, Logan thought that maybe the evening wouldn’t be so hard after all. Of course as soon as those words came to his mind, he felt a familiar gaze upon him, the constant reminder of one step forward, two steps back.
When he looked up and in the direction of where Veronica had stood, she was gone. He didn’t know if that made him relieved or left wanting. One thing he did know, though - it was a bad idea, but he was going to have a talk with Brady Carr.
For Veronica, every day small memories were coming back to her - little things here and there: feelings, people, places all made appearances in and out of her mind. Except for the dreams she’d told Logan about, though, she hadn’t told anyone. The pain of everyone moving on without her was just too great for to bear - at least everyone but her father. How could she tell them all that she remembered and it was far more painful than forgetting ever was?
She had heartbreakingly watched Logan with his wife from across the room. They seemed to be so in love. When he’d placed a kiss on Sarah’s forehead, the small hole in her chest become large enough that she physically ached from it. She tried so hard to keep the feelings she had for Logan at bay, willing them to stay hidden in the depths of wistful memories and the dreams of a mostly forgotten girl. But despite her efforts to move into a future of her own making, her body ached to be the one under Logan’s lips and her mind screamed that he was being unfaithful to her.
Veronica had always thought their love was special- at least that’s how it felt in her dreams. How was it possible that he could give his heart to another? It was ironic - for all her remembering, she wished more than anything that she could forget like he apparently had. How had he done it? She had to know so that one day, maybe, she could do the same thing.
In the haze of mental chaos that always surrounded her, she found herself wandering the grounds of the Enbom Estate, taking in the grounds with its opulent pool and intricate stone enclosure. Soft lanterns adorned the brick walkways and the breeze off the ocean wafted the music from one of the beautifully imposed tents. The lush green landscaping was meticulously cared for, no doubt by immigrant workers making barely enough to feed their families.
Her thoughts strayed to Rosa and her grandson, Mario, remembering how kind they were to her. Veronica hated to leave them without saying goodbye, but she had no choice. She somehow felt like she was putting them in danger by staying at their home.
So she’d left Mexico in the back of a white cargo van along with a load of coyotes. They had thankfully made it across the border into Arizona without detection. After an exhausting three days in the desert, where she had thought she was going to die or more than one occasion, she made it into a town. Veronica had bought supplies with the money she’d gotten from selling the necklace she’d been wearing, and dyed her hair brown in the bathroom of the bus station. The rest of the money she used on a bus ticket that would take her as far as the money would allow. That’s how she had found herself in Alabama.
It seemed like ages ago now, and was grateful. Those days were so lonely, so frightening; she had no desire to relive them.
Veronica turned to return to the party, having decided that she had been gone long enough. She’d wanted to be alone for a minute and collect herself. Seeing Logan happy and in love was effecting her more than she wanted to admit, more than she ever thought it would.
Before she could take a step she heard muffled voices behind the hedges closest to the house, peeking her natural curiosity. She moved quietly across the grass until she could make out the outline of two men, one of which was very large, hidden partially by the Enbom’s pool house. The other was smoking a cigar what she thought to be a cigar. Her new vantage point allowed her to hear the men more clearly.
“Look, I got new eyes at the Sheriff’s Office. He tells me that the Sheriff hasn’t found anything new, but he’s leaving no stone unturned in his investigation. I just want you to be prepared,” the cigar-smoking man informed the other.
“I thought I took care of that problem, already.”
“Well you did a shitty job because Mars reopened that Tommy kid’s case. I’m warning you - none of this better get back to me.”
“Relax. No one even knows who I am, forget about trying to tie me to you. It’s not gonna happen.”
“It better not. This is beginning to get sloppy and I don’t like sloppy,” the man who Veronica thought was probably the boss, forewarned the him.
“Look, if it wasn’t for your boy going all half-cocked in the first place, you wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with. If you want to take it out on someone- take it out on pretty boy.”
He took a puff of his cigar. “I should have told him about his father sooner, but, I can’t do anything about that now. It would raise too many more questions. Besides, the gambling business is making me big money right now, not to mention the steroids. The whole setup is a gold mine.”
“Fine. You’re the boss. Just tell him to keep his mouth shut no matter what. We don’t need him growing a conscience on us.”
“I don’t think we have anything to worry about. He’s got way too much to lose now. Now get out of here before someone sees you.”
The larger man walked away and Veronica could only catch a glimpse of him in his chauffer’s uniform. She quickly walked in the opposite direction, not wanting to be spotted by the cigar smoker, but she determined to find out what was going on. She knew she should go to her father with the information but she simply couldn’t. She wanted to prove to herself and to everyone that she still had it, that despite the jumbled cached of self-doubt and memories inside, she was still Veronica Mars.
The blood was running quickly through her veins and Veronica felt a shot of adrenaline, the likes of which she hadn’t felt in a long time. It felt so natural, the thrill of the chase, the fear of getting caught. She remembered why she must have loved sleuthing so much.
She had barely come within sight of the party when she smacked squarely into someone’s chest. Veronica gasped before teetering on her feet, afraid that she’d been caught. Strong arms steadied her and she immediately recognized both the familiar touch and scent.
“Whoa. Where are you going in such a hurry?” Logan inquired, silently thrilled he’d run across her.
“I need to go, Logan. Please let me go,” she pleaded, determined to search the row of limousines at the front the estate.
“Hey, hey.” Logan started. He could tell something was wrong right away. She looked a little like a cross between a wild animal and a scared child. “What is it? You can tell me.”
“It’s… it’s nothing. Just never mind. It’s not important,” she told him, determining the men were long gone by now. And it wasn’t worth risking Logan finding out about what she planned on doing. “Did you want something?”
“No. Not really. I just,” he started, running his fingers through his hair nervously. Logan didn’t know what made him act like a fumbling schoolboy every time he was around Veronica.
“What’s going on with you and that lawyer?” he asked, figuring now was as a good a time as any to corner her about Brady.
Veronica gaped at him, incredulous. She didn’t know whether it was because he’d interrupted her snooping, because seeing him and Sarah together had pained her more than she wanted to admit, or because he had the balls to ask her such a question. It was probably a mixture of all three.
“None of your business, Logan,” she snapped.
“Hey. What’s with all the hostility?”
Veronica sighed, registering that she was being a little hateful. She didn’t mean to be, but it was so hard to be without him, especially with the more she realized they had no future.
“We’re friends. That’s all. And really, why does it matter?” she asked him, defeated.
“I don’t think he’s good enough for you, Veronica. I’ve seen creeps like him, preying on weak women. I just don’t want to see you hurt.”
“Weak?! That’s what you think of me?!” She didn’t know exactly what caused it, but that one statement made her break. She was tired of people treating her with kid gloves, walking around her like they were on eggshells.
“You have no fucking idea what I’ve been through, Logan, no fucking idea. Hell, even I don’t know half of what happened to me. But I held it together - I made a new life for myself and when it came time to confront the past I did it, even when it hurt more than anything should have to. So you know what?? Fuck you, Logan, for thinking I’m weak.”
“I didn’t mean you were weak,” he back-peddled. “I know you’re not weak. I just meant - I didn’t want him taking advantage of your situation. I know you can take care of yourself but you’ve been through a lot, too. Some guys like to use that.”
“Yeah, well, you don’t have any say in who does or doesn't try to take advantage of me, anyway. And for the record, Brady’s not like that.”
Veronica felt him studying her closely, as if she were a fragile doll, like the next words out of his mouth would break her. She wasn’t weak, despite some days feeling like it. The constant disappointment she saw in people’s eyes when she didn’t remember certain things or say something she would have always said was discouraging. It was wearing her thin, on the inside and out, and it was very hard to keep up the rouse of being fine.
She was becoming to realize that she just wanted to be left alone, to find herself on her own. She didn’t want to become the Veronica Mars that was, but one that was better - the Veronica Mars that she’d be eventually. It was becoming more and more clear that Logan could never be part of that life, even as friends - not if she ever wanted to get over him.
“I have to go, Logan.” She made a move to get around him but he caught her by the arm, preventing her from leaving.
“Veronica, stop. Just, wait a minute.”
“Logan, please. I just can’t. If you ever loved me at all, you’ll leave me alone and let me try and get on with what’s left of the life I don’t remember.”
“That’s just it, Veronica. You do remember,” he chided her gently. She knew that he could see her trembling as leaned close, caressing her bare arm. He pulled it back quickly, though, as if he realized who she was now, who they both were now.
Veronica dropped her head down, squeezed her eyes shut as if she could will him and his words away. She did remember things about her life, like the fact that she was strong, or she used to be anyway. She could not and would not fall apart in front of Logan Echolls again. Not this time - not when she’d worked so hard these last few months to pick up the pieces - to try to move on without him. She breathed in through her nose and steeled her shoulders for the hardest thing she had had to do so far in her new life.
“No,” she started, her voice raised, finger pointed in his direction. “You want to know what I remember Logan? I remember going to bed every night wondering what the large weight pressed on my chest was, why every morning I woke up with a gaping hole where my heart should be, wondering why I didn’t have anyone who cared for me, who loved me!
“I remember coming back home after being missing for ten years, not knowing who I was or where I belonged, not knowing that all that time had friends who loved me and a father who would go to the ends of the earth to find me.
“You want to know what else I remember?” she asked, hand pressed against her chest, voice strained, her eyes beginning to well up with tears. “I remember finding out that the man I dreamed and fantasized about loving me more than any other, the supposed love of my life was married to someone else. I remember realizing the large gaping wound in my heart had a name, your name, and knowing that instead of my homecoming being the happiest day of my life that the deep wounds would be there forever.”
She paused to collect herself before continuing. “I had to do a lot of things Logan, to keep myself alive, a lot of things I’m not proud of, but I knew it would be worth it all if I just find out where I belonged. And you know what? It was. I have my Dad and my friends.
“But I can’t have you Logan, not anymore. You have to let me move on with my life and you have to move on with yours. I know you feel guilty and I am sorry, but I can’t be responsible for that. That’s something you’ll have to deal with on your own, or with Sarah. Let her love you like I never could,” she told him softly as she reached up and ran a comforting hand across his cheek. “I’ll carry scars the rest of my life. The sooner you let me begin to heal, the faster they’ll fade away. Please, Logan - I’m just ready to put it all behind me.”
With that she was gone, leaving Logan too stunned to move, too afraid to breathe. The fog of her words floated around him trying desperately to settle somewhere within him. But he couldn’t accept that, didn’t want to take her words in as truth. But the longer he stood, the more he realized she was right. He couldn’t make her responsible for his own guilt. That wasn’t fair to her or to Sarah and he had an obligation to them both. He had to let Veronica move on once and for all but he knew from experience that was easier said than done.
Logan turned in the opposite direction from which Veronica went, intent on returning to the party. Instead, he caught sight of Brady Carr standing only a few feet away. The look in his eyes told Logan he was ready to lay into him, that he had at least heard part of his and Veronica’s conversation. In his experience, a good defense was always a better offense, so he turned his jackass mode into high gear.
“Ah, the strapping young lawyer. Out of for a midnight stroll?” Logan asked, mocking.
“Stay away from Veronica.” Brady warned him. He’d affected the same serious tone Logan had used with John Enbom earlier that evening - the one that assured the recipient that he knew what was at stake and he meant business.
“Huh. That’s funny. I was about to tell you the same thing.”
“You only make her upset. You’re not what she needs right now.”
Logan laughed sardonically. “And you are?”
“Yes.” Brady replied sincerely. “I can help her get her life back - I am trying to help her get her life back.”
“And what the hell would you know about her life? You don’t know the first thing about Veronica Mars. Oh, you think you do - you think just because you’ve spent time with her father, because somehow you’ve insinuated yourself into their small, tight knit family, probably shared a couple of fleeting romantic moments, that you’re an expert. Well, let me ask you something, you self-righteous, pompous ass.
“Do you know what makes her butter her toast backwards or know the reason she hates pink? Do you know what dark shadows make her cry at night? Why she has matching scars on the inside of her palms? I’m sure you read up on her plenty - studied her, picked the brains of those around her, but you’ll never know all of her.” Logan spit out, his eyes flashing dangerously.
“You’ll never know why she doesn’t want children or is grateful she’s an only child. You’ll never know her most intimate pleasure spots or how to make her moan without even touching her. You’ll never know what it’s like to have her laid bare, spent and sated, in your arms.”
Logan was going too far, he knew it, but he just couldn’t stop himself. He continued his tirade. “And even if by some miracle she does sleep with you, you’ll never know what it’s like to have all of her, because a part of her will always belong to me. A part of her will always think of me when it’s you she’s in bed with. Even if it’s your name on her lips, it’ll be mine embedded in her soul.
“You’ll never be good enough for her, Brady Carr. You can flaunt your high-dollar education and your false comforts all you want - you and I know that you’ll always be a replacement for who she really dreams about.”
He barely got the last word out before the fist came flying at his face. Brady may have been a pretty boy, but he knew how to hit, Logan realized just a little too late. Logan managed to catch himself with his right arm before he hit the ground, and used the lower spot to his advantage. He threw his whole body into the other man, tackling him to the ground. They rolled about on the sidewalk and across the grass, inflicting pain where they could, forgetting about the party and their expensive tuxes.
Logan vaguely heard voices yelling for them to stop, but he was too far-gone to pay them any attention. He landed a punch directly to Brady’s face, causing blood to gush from the lawyer’s nose, before being roughly pulled up and off of him by his collar. As the other man was being helped up from his supine position on the ground, Logan was fighting the urge to punch him again. The adrenaline was still running forcefully through his veins, though, and he found it impossible to let it go.
“Stay away from Veronica or I’ll show you what being an Echolls really means!” he warned. Logan threw the arms holding him back off of him, and wiped his bloodied lip on his two thousand dollar suit.
“Shut the hell up, Logan. You have no claim on her. If were half the man your wife deserved, you would realize that you’re hurting everyone around you, especially those you claim to love.”
Logan had good enough sense to feel guilty, swallowing hard at what deep down he knew what was the truth. It was that Veronica made him crazy and when it came to her, it never took him very long to revert to the sad-shell of a person he’d known he was all along. It didn’t matter how far he’d come or how he’d gotten there, he knew he’d be damned until the day he died.
Deflated, and with the fight drained out of him, Logan decided it was best if he headed home. He had other people who could assure that the fundraiser went smoothly. Besides, at the moment, he was doing less than a stand up job himself. He was grateful the incident took place far enough away from the tents that most people wouldn’t have any idea what went on.
The haze of his anger lifted and he saw John behind him with a look halfway between shock and awe on his face. However, the sight that greeted Logan over his friend’s shoulder hurt deeper than any punch to the gut he’d received only moments before. There stood Sarah, the tear tracks on her cheeks clearly showing in the moonlight, her expression one of disbelief and heartbreak. He prayed to God she hadn’t heard it all.
He immediately made his way towards her, only to be stopped by a hand in the air, her justified anger apparent. “Don’t Logan. Just don’t.”
She seemed to choose her words carefully. “I think I’ve been pretty damn understanding. I was your friend, remember?!” Her tone was slightly bitter and this time Logan had no doubt about the well-hidden hostility he’d thought he’d seen from her earlier. “I was with you all those months and years so I know how much Veronica means to you. I was the shoulder you cried on, the one who cleaned up your liquor bottles, who helped you mail countless missing person flyers and answer telephone calls! I was there! So don’t think for a minute that I don’t know!
“But I’m your wife now, Logan. You told me you’d moved on from this, that I was the most important thing in your life! You’ve must have lied, Logan - it’s the only explanation that I can think of.”
Sarah paused, collected herself and continued in a softer tone. “God knows why, but I’m giving you the choice now. If you can’t let go of Veronica once and for all, then fine, I’ll bow out gracefully. But if you want to stick it out, honor our marriage vows, promise that you’ll love me like you said you would, then I’ll stay and we’ll fight like hell to make this work.
“I love you Logan - I love you more than I ever should have, but it’s time to make a choice. It has to be her or me. I can’t live being caught up in the middle anymore. So the choice is yours, but I won’t stay in a marriage where I’m second choice, the replacement. I don’t deserve that, Logan.”
Logan listened as Sarah laid it all out before him. Ever since Veronica came back the guilt had flowed through him constantly, but now it thoroughly consumed him. She was right. Every word out of her beautiful mouth was the truth. He’d been a horrible husband. He’d promised to cherish her, to love her and only her and he’d selfishly let the past stand in the way of their future. He wanted to tell her how utterly sorry he was, how thankful that she hadn’t dumped his ass long ago but she cut him off before he ever had the chance.
“I’m going home. I suggest you stay and clean up this mess you made. We will,” she started before faltering slightly. “We’ll talk about this more at home. We’ve, or I guess you, have got some decisions to make.” With that said, Sarah departed briskly, leaving no room for arguments. He wasn’t even sure he had one to give.
“Fuck!” he screamed in the air, both hand gripping his forehead. “Fuck!”
It was times like these that made him remember that he was right before - his life would always be a train wreck. He could attempt to move on, to be a better man, but he would always be Logan Echolls, jackass extraordinaire, son of a child-abusing murderer and a selfish, cowardly drunk.
He headed off for the now abandoned dinner tent, intent on stopping by the bar first. Logan needed a drink - several in fact.
An hour later and Logan was sprawled out in a white wooden chair, only a bottle to keep him company. He rather preferred it that way - the relative silence assisting in clearing his head.
Of course, it couldn’t be forever, he realized, as he heard footsteps behind him.
“Fuck off, Enbom. I told you - I don’t feel like partying right now.”
“It looks like you’re doing a pretty good job of that on your own,” the unexpected voice advised him.
Surprise flickered through him yet he failed to turn at the man’s voice, taking a drink from the tumbler in front of him instead.
“I suppose you’re here to tell me that I’m a lunatic and to stay away from your daughter - that I should move on like I assured you I did a while ago.”
Keith sat down in the chair beside him, leaning over the table, arms crossed on its white linen covering.
“You know,” Keith commented thoughtfully. “I don’t think I ever completely moved on from Lianne. She wasn’t always an alcoholic. She was a great mother and wife once and I couldn’t have been happier. I don’t think a man forgets what it’s like to have that.”
Logan nodded and reached for a clean glass across the table, pouring the whiskey into it. “Here, have some Jack,” he offered the older man.
Logan tilted his own glass towards himself, the amber liquid angled upwards in the crystal. He stared long and hard as he swirled the southern cocktail around inside, savoring every aspect of its more redeeming qualities.
“Did you know that Jack Daniel’s mellows its whisky through ten feet of sugar maple charcoal? And they don’t even have specific aging time- their tasters tell them when it’s ready. They really know their spirits in Tennessee,” Logan mused. “Maybe I’ll go down there and get a job when Sarah kicks me out.”
Keith wordlessly took the glass and savored the smooth burn. He did have to agree with him - they most definitely knew their whiskey.
“You know, I meant what I said the day of your wedding,” Keith started. “I know you think I hate you, but I don’t. I can’t blame you for moving on with your life, Logan. You did what you had to do and I respect that. You’ve turned into a fine man and have a great life to show for it. I’m proud of you and I know… I know Veronica is too,” he finished, slightly choked up.
Logan paused, his lips still attached to his glass and swallowed the emotion that the elder Mars created in him. He heard Keith take a deep breath and wondered what could be coming next.
“Listen closely, Logan, because this is very hard for me to say and I don’t say it lightly.” Keith paused slightly before continuing. “I know my daughter loved you but - and as much as it pains me to say it - she’s not really that girl anymore. I’m not sure she’ll ever be her again. Are you sure you want to ruin what you’ve worked so hard to build for someone who may never even remember who you are?”
“Dammit Keith! She does remember! Even if she hadn’t admitted as much, I can see it in her eyes! She doesn’t remember all of it, not yet, but just because she doesn’t, doesn’t mean that I don’t!” Logan paused for a moment trying to regain his composure. “I thought that seeing her would be easier now that I have Sarah. I mean, I love Sarah but it’s really hard not to remember how much I love Veronica, too.”
“I know. It’s impossible to just turn it off.” Keith reached over and touched the younger man’s shoulder and turned him so that he could see him eye to eye. “But despite what you think she’s told you, she doesn’t remember loving you, Logan. She can’t, not when she can’t even remember loving me,” he told Logan sadly. “I heard what Sarah told you tonight. You need to work things out with her, for her sake and for yours. I think that might be easier if you couldn’t come into contact with Veronica.”
“You want me to leave town?!” Logan asked incredulously.
“Maybe for just a little while. I think it would be best for all parties involved.”
Logan downed the rest of his drink and nodded, knowing the Sheriff was only trying to do right by his daughter. “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay. That’s all I ask. I’m really trying to find the right thing here but I’m pretty sure there’s not a manual for this.”
Logan chuckled half-heartedly. “I don’t think there’s ever been one where Veronica and I have been concerned.”
Keith gave him a sideways smile. “Come on. Let’s get you home. Sarah’s probably still mad but I know she’s worried, too.”
“Yeah. I wanna go home.”
Onto Chapter Five
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