(no subject)
*****
Sitting on my bedroom floor, I could feel the shag rug tickle my calves and it irritated me. I held my SLR camera to my eye and peered through the lens at toenails that were painted purple hoping that I would see more than a few sandy calloused toes attached to a thin foot with sandal tan lines. I held the lens and twisted it, playing with the zoom and focus but all I saw was the extremity for what it was, and it looked the same without the camera.
This knowledge was more frustrating than I expected, because I wanted to glance through the lens and feel inspired, but I felt nothing.
My muscles felt itchy and they yearned to do something other than just sitting. The camera suddenly looked like an ugly mass of black metal and plastic attached to a strap and I couldn’t control myself as I heaved it across the room. It bounced and slid against the hardwood floor, a few small black pieces fell off in opposite directions and the lens clicked and rolled away from the body.
Throwing the camera didn’t ease my frustration; instead it evoked tiny tears and my vision was blurred. I pulled my knees to my chest, hugging them tightly. I kept my eyes fixed on the broken camera and chunks of long blonde hair blocked my eyes.
I had two days until the postmark date for the contest and still no picture. Beside me were piles of all the pictures I had taken recently from the day on the beach where I faked emotion to the night Tanner made us pancakes. There wasn’t anything wrong with the pictures, but not one of them screamed out EMOTION. I looked through over and over to make sure the perfect one wasn’t hiding somewhere amongst the piles, but each time I looked my suspicions were confirmed and I remained disappointed.
“Is everything all right in here?”
Tanner’s voice startled me. I looked up to see him standing in the doorway leaning against the frame. He wore olive coloured cargo shorts that were cut off just at the knee, a faded blue t-shirt and flip flops of the same cerulean colour.
I lacked an appropriate response so I nodded instead.
He sat next to me on the small rug and leaned back against the bed. “What’s up?”
The magazine clipping was on the floor beside the piles of pictures. I read it any time I had the chance, hoping something in the rules and deadlines would help me figure out what I was supposed to take a picture of. I handed him the magazine clipping. “Zac sent this to me and I thought I’d try to win, but I tried and I just can’t seem to take the right sort of picture.”
“Especially not since you just broke your camera,” he remarked with a laugh.
I elbowed him grudgingly, pained by his laughter. He leaned forward until he was on his hands and knees and collected the camera pieces. “I’m just not going to do it.”
“Why not?” The lens had unattached itself from the fall and the shutter snapped off. He held the pieces in his hand, playing around until they snapped back into the body.
“Because I suck at taking pictures,” I responded, irritated. “If only I could figure out how to photograph frustration. I seriously know what that feels like.”
When the camera seemed completely assembled, he held it up to admire. “How are you supposed to capture emotion on film, anyway?” He held it to his eye and pressed the shutter, stealing a moment of my life and preserving it in a frame of plastic.
I shrugged. For a moment I thought just maybe he’d get it. I thought about a picture I saw in a magazine: a tiny girl standing on her tip toes reaching toward, but not quite reaching, an apple that hung from the branch of a tree. Aside from the apple the entire picture was in black and white. The first time I saw the picture I felt simplicity and ambition. Maybe Tanner would understand it. “It just happens. Have you ever looked at a picture that made you feel something?”
“No.”
“Never mind then.”
“Well I’ve see pictures that made me feel nostalgic, does that count?”
“Were they pictures of someone you know?”
“Yes,” he admitted.
“That doesn’t count. You’re already connected to them emotionally. Since you have memories it’s automatic that you’re going to feel something. I’m talking about seeing a picture of a foot, a tree, a sand castle or someone you don’t know and immediately feeling light and airy or a longing for summer. Do you know what I mean?”
He shrugged and placed the camera to his side. “I guess.”
“Never mind. I’m going to get some iced tea, do you want some?” I stood up slowly awaiting his response.
“No thanks but I’ll come with you out to the living room.”
I walked out onto the porch to retrieve the pitcher of tea that brewed in the sun’s heat, assuming he had followed. I took theit into the kitchen and poured spoonfuls of sugar into the tea. Tanner sat on the tan corduroy couch holding the remote. His mouth was slightly parted and his eyes were dull and unamused while he flipped through the channels.
*****
Everything blurred together as I went from the house to classes to work and back again, carrying my camera around. I had one more day to take a legendary photograph, to find something so touching that it would evoke tears from the judges. Tanner had undoubtedly told Kyrah that I was trying to enter. That morning I got ready for class, taking an extra long time in the shower to delay the time I had to leave. When I got out, Kyrah was waiting for me on the couch, ready to talk business.
“Why do you keep moping around?” she asked. She sat with her arms crossed and she wouldn’t take her eyes off me.
“I haven’t been moping,” I replied defensively, putting notebooks, text books and, my camera into my bag.
“How’s the contest coming?”
“I don’t know, ask the people who are entering,” I mumbled, tossing my bag over my shoulders.
“That’s why I’m asking you, silly.”
I put my hand on the front door, ready to leave. “Well I’m not going to enter,” I told her, which I hadn’t officially decided until that moment. I left the house ignoring her saddened expression and determined to forget about a stupid contest.
School wouldn’t let me do so. I couldn’t concentrate in my first class so I decided that would be the only class I was going to. I left and took an early bus back to the house, stopping at Surf’s Up Smoothies on the way. I was ready to try some new exotic flavour.
“Can I have a Sunrise Smoothie?” I asked the red headed girl behind the counter. She nodded and made me a cold mango, peach, pineapple and coconut concoction. I wandered the water front for a little while, walking past stores but not going into any, until I got to the beach.
I saw my brother sitting on his surf board making sand castles with his hands. As I got closer I noticed the picnic basket beside him, and a notebook on top of it. It looked like Kyrah had been there, but she wasn’t around him.
I sat down in front of him and didn’t say a word while he patted sand into designs. “Hey,” he said when he glanced up and saw me there. “No class?”
“Not for me today,” I responded, taking off my back pack and laying in the sand. I took my cell phone out of my bag, in hopes that Zac would call. The sand was cool against my arms, and I felt the dampness seeping into the cotton of my shirt. The sun was shining high, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open without being blinded.
“Are you doing okay? Kyrah told me you aren’t entering that contest.”
“It’s not a big deal.” I lied. Not being able to find the perfect picture to send in just made me feel like I wasn’t capable of winning a silly contest. I held my hand to my eyes to shield the sun and lifted my head just to be able to see him as I talked.
“You aren’t at class right now, so there’s no way I believe that it’s ‘no big deal’.” He moved so he was lying beside me, on his stomach.
I turned my head to look at him, but I had nothing to say. I felt completely defeated. No matter how many pictures I had tried taking since I heard about that contest, none of them satisfied me.
My phone started to ring. I knew it was Zac by the ringtone so I rolled over to reach it, eager to hear his voice. “Hello?”
“I need you to do me a favour,” he spoke quickly.
“Sure, what’s up?”
“Enter that contest.”
Did I have an entire army against me? Kyrah must have talked to him, too. I stood up and started walking along the shore. Kyrah, who was doing the back float in the water, waved to me. I waved back. “Zac,” I whined. “I can’t, I don’t have any pictures to send in.”
“You have lots of pictures, Marianna.”
Instead of the contest I wanted to hear about how his tour was going, and tell him about my boring school classes. Even if that’s what we always talked about, it would better than talking about the one thing that had haunted my life for the past week. “I can’t do it,” I told him. “And why is it so important to you?”
“I just think it would be a waste not to enter. Kyrah told me about all the pictures you’ve been taking this week, and if I didn’t think you could do it, I never would have sent you that contest.”
“So how’s the tour going?” I asked. I hoped he’d be distracted by me changing the subject.
He sighed. “It’s going great. We’re in Texas right now, and we’re going to Oklahoma next. We have some California dates next month. You’ll have to come to a show.”
“Can I go to a few?” I was relieved he let me talk about something else. I turned around to see how far I had walked.
Tanner and Kyrah were standing by the surf board waving to me.
“Of course you can.”
I walked back to see what they wanted and told Zac about the excellent smoothie I bought on my way back from class. The smoothie was melting in the sand by Tanner and Kyrah as I spoke.
“Come eat lunch with us,” Kyrah insisted as I reached them.
“Okay,” I responded,.. “Zac, I’m going to go eat.”
“I should get going, too. We’re leaving for lunch soon, and then we have a sound check.”
“Okay. Um, I miss you, a lot.” I hated saying goodbye and all of the I love you’s and I miss you’s that came with it, mostly because they were so common in our latest conversations.
“I miss you, too. And Mari…”
“Yes?”
“Just send in your favourite picture. I’m sure it’ll be amazing.”
“All right,” I agreed, trying to think of which one was my favourite. “Promise?”
“Yeah, I’ll send something in.”
“Awesome. Bye, I love you.”
“I love you too, bye,” I said, closing my phone. Maybe I would enter the contest, even if my picture wasn’t of the “capture emotion” kind.
*****
The morning of the contest deadline I stared at all the recent pictures I had taken. I could have taken out my albums and gone through them, too, but it didn’t seem fair to use previous works. Zac’s words ran through my mind “just send in your favourite picture”. There were photographs spread all over my bed, and a few on the floor. I looked over pictures of myself on the beach, the statue of the woman crying and the ones of Tanner and Kyrah. My favourite had to be one where they were covered in pancake mix. Kyrah’s arms were wrapped around Tanner, and he was hugging her back and kissing the top of her head. It was one of those pictures that I wanted to grab and put in a frame.
I reread the contest outline and rules, then picked the picture off the bed, ignoring the mess I made with others, and went into the kitchen in search of an envelope and a stamp. I didn’t think I was going to win, but I knew I had nothing to lose by entering. I addressed the envelope slowly, fully aware that I was missing class just to write on it. It looked perfect and neat when I was finished and even more perfect with the stamp sitting in the upper right corner.
*****
I woke up to the sound of Kyrah screeching down stairs. I guessed my brother was attacking her with tickles, or something of the sort. It seemed too early to be awake, despite the sun that streaked through my window. I rolled over in the bed so my face was in my pillow, my eyes were closed and I was ready to welcome sleep.
It had been almost a month since I sent the picture into the contest for Photography Magazine. I had almost forgotten about it when my life went back to the usual class going and work I was used to after that week I took pictures. I wasn’t sure if I would even hear from the magazine if I didn’t win, and since I knew I wouldn’t, I stopped thinking about it.
There was a knock on my bedroom door but I refused to get up. “Go away,” I mumbled. I expected whoever it was to comply but instead of hearing footsteps get progressively further away from my bedroom door, I heard them coming closer. “Didn’t I say go away?” I asked, reluctantly rolling onto my back so I could see whoever it was.
The person standing at the foot of my bed, hands in his pockets and grinning, made my heart stop. There was Zac, the boyfriend I hadn’t seen in months, just standing there, and I had no idea why he wasn’t on tour.
“Oh my god!” I jumped to my feet, adrenaline rushing through me. “What are you doing here?” I ran around to the foot of my bed and wrapped my arms around him to make sure he wasn’t just a figment of my imagination.
“Hi,” he laughed and hugged me back. “We’re here for a few days to do some shows in California.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” When we pulled apart I looked him over. He looked exactly the same as he did when he left. His dark hair stuck up in the back and fell over his eyes in the front as if he had just gotten out of bed. His green eyes were vibrant, especially since he was wearing a red shirt.
He shrugged, still grinning. “I wanted to surprise you.”
I hugged him again, still not believing that he was right there. Together we walked down into the living room where Tanner and Kyrah were sitting, watching television. Zac sat on the arm of the recliner beside them. I sat the chair noticing the pile of mail on the coffee table. I boredly sifted through it and was shocked to see an envelope addressed to me.
“Oh my god,” I spoke, staring. The return address was from Photography Magazine, and I was immediately reminded of the contest and the week long affair with my camera. I tore the envelope open then slowly read the paper to myself.
“What is that?” Asked my brother.
“What does it say?” Zac asked.
“I won third place,” I stated in disbelief.
“The contest?” I heard Kyrah speak. My eyes remained on the page.
“Really?” He took the paper from me, as if reading it with his own eyes would confirm what I told him. “Marianna this is awesome!” He kissed the top of my head. “What was your picture of?”
“I’ll show you.” I left them in the living room to find it in my closet. I flipped through the envelope of doubles until I came across the picture. It was the same as I remembered it, but the people looked more real.
“How does this show any emotion?” I handed it to Zac and sat back in the chair, waiting for his confirmation.
“Well it makes me wish I was there with you guys that day. Kyrah and Tanner look like they were having so much fun, what were they doing?”
“Making pancakes.”
“Oh they must have been delicious.”
“They were.”
He handed the picture to Kyrah and Tanner. “So that’s emotion, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“Me wanting to be there. Them having fun.”
I glanced down at the picture again. I remembered the way the room smelled like pancakes before he even made them, and how before I started taking pictures I sat around listening to them having fun. I guess it had made me want to be there, too. “Yeah, I guess it is.”