what goes up high, stays there
what goes up high, stays there
yunho/changmin
nc-17
sex, drugs, and a little bit of rock and roll.
warning: hahahahahahaha refer to summary.
---
Yunho doesn't get cake on his birthday.
He doesn't get to spend it with his family, doesn't get to see his friends, doesn't get pampered and teased out of affection and love, doesn't get any warmth and extra kindness just because it's the anniversary of the day he was born.
He spends it sprinkling salt on the road to melt the February snows and dispel the slush, his back hunched with weariness and his muscles aching from having to lug around such a heavy bag.
His birthday is also the first time he meets Park Yoochun in an alley, smack dab in the middle of a drug deal.
---
"Are you sure this is alright?" Yunho asks for the millionth time, making Yoochun's eyebrow twitch in annoyance.
"Yeah, I'm sure this is alright."
"But-"
"You're not intruding," Yoochun repeats with a tired sigh, waving Yunho into a stylish, dark apartment, drapes so heavy against the windows that Yunho can't even see the first rays of sunlight beginning to peek out over the horizon. It's late, or rather, it's very early, and he's too tired to ask.
"Who's that?" a very tall and tired looking boy asks, lounging around on the sofa. His hair is all sorts of haphazard and his long legs are dangling lifelessly over the armrest at the knee, but Yunho doesn't think it unattractive.
"Yunho, Changmin," Yoochun introduces with a grunt, "Changmin, this is Yunho. He caught me buying." He walks over to the corner of the room and toes at a lump of clothing, Yunho nearly jumping out of his skin when the lump of clothing moves and groans. "And this here is our leader, Jaejoong. Meet your new roommates."
Changmin gives Yunho a bored once-over. "I thought I told you to stop bringing home strays."
---
Yunho's usually pretty good with current events. People leave him newspapers along with some change and when they're kind enough to buy him food, they also talk to him about their lives. It was hard at first to sneak around and live in the rest stops at subway stations but the kindness of strangers has really surprised him over these last few years.
"Don't touch that!" Changmin snarls, smacking Yunho's hand away. Yunho blinks and withdraws his hand quickly, mumbling an apology as he looks with his eyes and not with his hands, itching to touch the pretty award sitting on a dusty bookshelf.
"What was that for?" he asks curiously, looking around the spacious apartment.
"Newcomer of the year," Changmin answers after a long pause. His answer sounds like he hadn't been planning on answering in the first place.
"It's so cool that you're in a band. Jaejoong and the Mice."
"It gets old pretty quick. I don't like being a mouse."
Yunho looks at Changmin for a while before standing up, stretching comfortably. "Thanks for letting me stay for the night. I haven't been able to have a hot shower in a really long time."
"You going somewhere?"
"Work," Yunho answers with a smile, waves, and strolls out the door, stepping over an unconscious Jaejoong and Yoochun to do it.
Changmin just shrugs and goes looking for some alcohol. It's almost three in the afternoon, after all.
---
Yunho doesn't come back again for over a month. Changmin's not holding his breath but he doesn't hold his breath for much these days. He's not sure what he's doing with his life anymore; he still remembers with painful bitterness how eager he used to be, how excited he was to be offered a modeling gig, the euphoria of being signed to a label when producers had discovered his voice, his elation when their band sold their first album. Stardom comes quick and the high's like nothing else, but the sparkle wears off, just like all glitter does, and he finds himself needing a manmade high more and more in order to keep going.
"I saw him collecting bottles this time," Yoochun says, pouting at him on the couch. "Minnie~ please?"
"You're such a bleeding heart," Changmin grunts, sighing because he knows he's beat anyway. "If you want to invite him back, whatever. But he's not living here for free!"
Yoochun raises an eyebrow at him. "Changmin, are you serious? The guy lives at rest stops in the subway and collects bottles to make ends meet."
"Since when has money been our currency?" Changmin shoots right back.
---
Two months after their first meeting, Jaejoong offers Yunho a free backstage pass to one of their concerts. He can't get the guy to take his money but as a fantastically brilliant hyung, Jaejoong has figured out that Yunho will grudgingly receive material gifts.
"Don't talk to strangers," Jaejoong says, poking Yunho in the forehead when he gets the cue to go onstage. "And don't bother Changmin. He's already on the verge of making you pay for rent."
"But I don't even-"
"He's just crabby," Jaejoong soothes, petting Yunho on the head. "He does like you. We all do. Just let him sober up and you'll see."
---
Jaejoong, Yoochun, and Changmin make up one of the hottest new indie rock bands that ever swept through Asia. Yunho doesn't know if going mainstream with a big label still means they're indie but he doesn't get caught up on technicalities. Jaejoong is the lead singer with a phenomenal voice, Yoochun writes all their music and plays electric piano, and Changmin's on back-up vocals but he's their very important guitarist. Yunho's taken with them before he even really knows who they are. Yoochun brought him off the streets, Jaejoong kept him indoors, and Changmin...
Changmin tolerates him and teaches him random things. Like how to read music, how to look at things without touching them with his hands, how to roll a joint and get it to burn properly without overloading it with tobacco. Changmin gives him his very first pill of ecstasy, a happy, yellow smiley face, so glad to see him.
Yunho doesn't have much to contribute but he does teach Changmin how to fold cranes, helping the younger man with sharp creases when Changmin's too strung out to keep his fingers from shaking. They're slowly making their way to a thousand but Changmin doesn't know that.
The important thing is: Changmin's always annoyed with him, but always tells him to stay for dinner. And when Yunho has really bad days, Changmin washes his back while he soaks in the tub and never says a thing.
Backstage, after the concert, Yunho finds out for the first time how brilliant it is to see Changmin smile.
---
"Fuck," Changmin spits, kicking over a pile of clothes, one of many covering the living room floor. "I hate this mess. I really hate it."
"Did something happen?" Yunho asks cautiously, afraid to get too close.
"Yeah, this place is a fucking mess!"
"Ignore him," Jaejoong says from the kitchen. Yunho can smell jjigae cooking and his stomach growls, but he refuses to ask for food. It's only been a few months and he still feels like he's an intruder.
"Fuck you, Jaejoong."
"He ran out of e," Jaejoong continues boredly, turning around to throw Yunho a look. "Don't indulge him."
---
When Changmin comes home one day after a spectacularly mundane lunch with his family, it's to a pristine apartment, clean from floor to ceiling. All of their clothes have been washed and hung out to dry, and this is the first time in a long time that Changmin remembers they have floorboards and not carpet.
"You should keep being mean to him," Jaejoong suggests, lounging on the couch, currently cutting a line of cocaine on the uncluttered and very clean coffee table. "He kind of idolizes you."
Changmin flushes with guilt. "Where is he?"
Jaejoong shrugs, Yunho's whereabouts the last of his worries. "Maybe you scared him away."
---
Yunho doesn't appear again for almost the entire summer. Changmin's curious but he's too shy to ask, putting on an apathetic front, not that anyone can tell since that's his normal expression anyway. He offers to go out to buy one night and ignores the looks of surprise on Jaejoong and Yoochun's faces, dressing down as much as he can, scratching at the flaking black polish on his nails as he goes to their regular dealer.
He waits and waits and waits and Yunho doesn't pass by even once. Junsu doesn't know where Yunho is either and Junsu knows everything about the area. After getting enough e to last him the rest of the year, Changmin wanders to the closest subway station, wandering around aimlessly until he finds a small overhang that creates a cave-like space, a few things packed away in the corner.
He knows he shouldn't snoop. He snoops anyway. Changmin crawls in and unfolds a ratty, dirty blanket to find an even rattier, dirtier stuffed bambi toy, the fur matted and coarse from excessive love.
"Changmin?"
Changmin jumps and smacks his head on the top of the overhang, wincing as he scrambles out again, trying not to look too guilty. "I was just-"
But it's Yunho's expression that shuts him up. Changmin stares and feels something twist in his stomach, then twist in his chest, not understanding why Yunho's the one that looks so embarrassed right now. There's shame in those kind eyes and it makes Changmin want to vomit.
"You know what," Changmin says softly, "you should come home."
"Changmin, I-"
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about!" Changmin interrupts, his voice sounding foreign and eager to his own ears, his body seeming to unattach from his mind as he reaches forward to take Yunho's hand in his. There are callouses on the older man's fingertips and his skin is hard from wear and tear. "This isn't home, okay? You come with me and come home. Jaejoong and Yoochun-"
"I'm just a bother," Yunho says, trying to wrestle his hand away, "I can't, Changmin, I can't even pay-"
"There's nothing for you to be ashamed of!" Changmin yells, his voice echoing through the empty subway station at 3 in the morning. "Nothing! I don't want you to stay here, okay? Just come back. If you really want to pay, you can."
"But I-"
"I'm not talking about money."
They stare at each other for a long time, hands joined, Yunho clearly confused as to why Changmin even cares so much. Changmin sighs and tugs at Yunho's hand again, finally starting to look his age.
So Yunho goes.
---
"I don't think this is the proper etiquette of things," Yunho says quietly, lying on his side, his thighs wet and warm with Changmin's come. He closes his eyes when the younger man leans over him and kisses him on the lips, opening them again when he feels something hard and round dissolving on his tongue.
"Four leaf clover," Changmin whispers, hand stroking Yunho's thigh. "You can spit it out and check if you want. It'll bring you luck."
Yunho sighs and reaches up to touch Changmin's cheek, the smooth skin so soft under his calloused fingertips. "Is this all you needed me for?"
"Sorry, Yunho-yah," Changmin replies after a long while, "I don't believe in love anymore. It's magic, you know? And magic isn't real."
---
Yunho goes to all of Changmin's shows. Sometimes he hangs around backstage, sometimes he jumps and screams with the rest of the crowd down below in the pit. Changmin's electric when he's onstage and Yunho can see life in those eyes when Changmin's really into a piece of music, when he's really singing, when he's so stone sober because he doesn't need the drugs to reach a high that thrums through his bones with every note, the amp turned up so high he can't even hear himself scream.
---
"You've been dealt a very shitty hand in this game called life, my friend," Jaejoong offers sagely, squished with Yunho in a corner of the apartment one night, the two of them sharing a joint. "You handle it really well, though. How're you and Changminnie doing?"
"Not sure," Yunho says, taking a deep drag and coughs, "I think I'm in love with him."
"Because he gives you e for free or because you actually fell in love with him?"
"I'm a romantic, JaeJae."
"And I'll never know why," Jaejoong replies, sighing heavily. "He's got the personality of a wet towel that's wet because someone peed on it."
"Maybe to you."
"You're just saying that 'cause you're sleeping with him."
"Why am I sleeping with him?" Yunho muses out loud, "that doesn't seem very romantic of me."
"Because you love him, I guess."
Yunho snorts with laughter as they talk in circles and realizes that the marijuana's working. It's pretty pure considering how cheap they bought it for. "He's a cynic. Negative about everything."
"He's not negative about you." Jaejoong looks at Yunho look at him, smiling after a while, reaching out to give his adorable dongsaeng a half-hug. "Behind every cynic is a frustrated romantic, Yunho-yah. You just have to trap him and force him out."
---
This year, Yunho doesn't get cake on his birthday. But he also isn't out salting the roads or collecting bottles for loose change, and he's not huddled under a subway rest stop, doing his best not to freeze. This year, Yunho spends it inside the apartment of three recreational drug users that make up one hell of a famous band. Actually, maybe two recreational and one habitual; he still can't decide about Jaejoong.
"Come on, bedtime," Changmin says, standing quickly, pulling Yunho with him.
"Can you guys not do it 'til dawn this time?" Yoochun asks, his words all slurred and unintelligible. "Show tomorrow and...fuck, what was I talking about?"
Yunho doesn't get to answer. He's dragged into Changmin's surprisingly neat bedroom and muffles a groan into Changmin's mouth as he gets pushed to the bed, clothes flying off in seconds. Changmin doesn't offer words of affection or insightful reflections of his emotional depths but he is always gentle and often asks Yunho how he wants it.
Yunho just smiles and kisses Changmin again, in love with how Changmin's lips feel on his own. He spreads his legs without question and cries out the way Changmin likes when he's being filled, his nails digging into the younger man's back and arms as they rock together, too many breaths lost between them to count. Yunho's never not come before and Changmin's never used a condom before. He doesn't know if it's stupid or if this means Changmin's loyal but he doesn't ask, too afraid of the answer anyway. His bubble of ignorance is warm and blissful and it's Yunho's name on Changmin's tongue right before dawn breaks, and it's Changmin's arms that are wrapped around his waist more often than not when he wakes these days.
It's strange, how much can change in a year.
---
"Changmin-ah," Yunho whispers, tugging on Changmin's hair.
"Mmm...hm?"
"Wake up."
"Why?" Changmin squeezes his eyes shut and tries to duck his head lower, burying his face in Yunho's neck.
"I've got a question to ask you."
"What?"
"When's your birthday?"
"The 18th of this month. Why?"
"Nothing."
"When's yours?"
"Yesterday."
---
"You've been dealt a very nice hand in this game called life, my friend," Jaejoong offers sagely, lounging on top of Changmin in the younger man's bed one day, the two of them appropriately drunk. "You handle it very badly, though. How're you and Yunja doing?"
"Not sure," Changmin slurs, coughing before he takes another swig of tequila rose, "I think I'm in love with him."
"Thought you didn't believe in love."
"I don't."
"So?"
There's a really long moment of silence and for a while, Jaejoong thinks Changmin's fallen asleep. He curses the gods for not being able to pry an answer out of his dongsaeng when Changmin moves again, startling the hell out of him.
"Hey, you awake?" Jaejoong asks, "so?"
"I..." Changmin says softly, sounding painfully young and vulnerable, "I don't know."
"Why not?"
Changmin closes his eyes and shakes his head. "It's just...lately, I can't stop thinking about him."
"Why's that so bad?"
"I can't even give him anything."
"If you loved him, isn't that enough?"
"Would it be?"
Jaejoong laughs and flicks Changmin between the eyes. "He's a romantic, Shim Changmin. Love is his drug of choice. You, on the other hand, are getting quite addicted to those happy happy happy pills there. Lay off the e, okay? It's starting to mess with you."
Changmin doesn't even hear.
"Electric, isn't it?" Jaejoong asks softly, a smile plastered to his face.
---
Yunho doesn't come home for a few days. Changmin gets incredibly touchy and unapproachable and even Yoochun gets tired of it, refusing to talk to Changmin until Yunho comes back. There's no phone to reach him at, Yunho's not hanging out at the subway station again, Changmin's checked, and he's just about worrying himself sick.
He even glared so hard at a fangirl taking a fancam of him that her camera started going crazy. It's just a big coincidence but it at least made Changmin feel a little better.
Yunho shows up again on the 18th, just as Jaejoong's about to shove Changmin's face into the cake he bought.
"Hey!" Yunho greets them all, completely oblivious to the way everyone's glaring at him now, "happy birthday, Changmin-ah!"
"Where have you been?"
"Working!" Yunho replies. He rummages around in his jacket pocket and emerges with a CD and two chocolates, blushing a little as he goes forward to hand it to the younger man. "Sorry I couldn't get you anything nicer," he says shyly, "it was all I could afford. I remembered how this guitarist I used to bum with told me about this artist. He's Japanese and he's really good with the guitar, and since you're a guitarist, you know...and this is his new album! It just came out yesterday! I hope you like it..."
Changmin accepts the CD silently, staring at the cover for a bit before he stands and walks off. "Bathroom," he says absently, disappearing into his room instead.
Yunho stares after the younger man and then turns to Yoochun and Jaejoong, clearly distressed. "Do you think he hates it?"
Jaejoong smiles and looks away, shaking his head. "He loves it, Yunho-yah. And you better go see if he's okay. I think you just trapped him and forced him out."
---
Changmin shuts the door to the bedroom behind himself. He can't seem to swallow past the lump in his throat and wipes away the tears in his eyes with annoyance, not understanding why they won't stop. Stumbling to his bookcase, Changmin looks around in his music collection for the same CD that he has in his hands now, taking it out once he finds it, opening the cover to look at the personal message written to him, autograph and all.
Yunho's just dumb like that. Changmin received this CD as a gift almost a month ago from Oshio Koutarou himself. He's friends with the guy.
He doesn't even think twice before going to the window to open it all the way. Changmin looks at the CD that Yunho got for him, opening it to find a small note of "Happy Birthday, Changmin-ah! Hyung loves you! ♥" on the inside, and throws out the one that he personally received from Oshio Koutarou.
So what, it's just an autograph, there will always be more.
There's only one Yunho who'll spend all his life savings of a whopping $22.49 to buy him a CD and two chocolates for his birthday.
The signed CD goes crashing apart on the pavement below and Changmin sinks to his knees, clutching his chocolates and gift to his chest, crying quietly to himself.
When Yunho comes in to tentatively apologize and hug him, Changmin can't do anything but hit Yunho uselessly on the chest and then hug him so hard he almost breaks bones, the dam to his tears broken beyond repair.
"I don't understand you," Changmin whispers hoarsely, his chest cramping with pain, "why are you so nice to me!? Why are you like this? Why don't you look for someone who treats you better?"
Yunho blinks and smiles a little sadly, holding Changmin protectively in his arms. "You say it like you think I have a choice in all this."
"Why don't you?"
"Because I love you."
Changmin drops everything in his hands and grabs Yunho's face, lunging forward for a hungry, desperate kiss, falling to the ground together. "I can't breathe when you're here," he whispers against Yunho's lips, his eyelashes wet with tears, " and I feel like I'm going to short out when I think of you every time you're gone."
Yunho smiles and exhales into Changmin's mouth, his eyes closing when Changmin inhales him with palpable desperation. "Electric, isn't it?"
---
Changmin strictly forbids Yunho from disappearing again without a word after that. He buys a phone for the older man and stares Yunho down until he accepts it, Changmin's heart much more at peace now that he can text Yunho whenever he wants to check up on him. It's more than a little obsessive but Changmin's never denied Jaejoong's accusations of his neurosis. He hangs on tightly to the things he loves and he doesn't love much.
It doesn't happen overnight but it does happen fairly quickly. Changmin gives all his ecstasy to Yoochun and Yoochun passes it to Jaejoong who gets them all tripped out when he puts it in the jjigae one night.
Changmin's new drug of choice is Yunho.
Before shows, after shows, between shows, especially when there aren't any shows, Changmin's glued to Yunho's side, never doing much of anything except kissing the older man and clinging to him. Anyone can understand how lethal it is to have love running through your veins so no one blames Changmin for not being able to let go.
---
Two years after Yunho first meets Yoochun in an alley buying ecstasy for Changmin, he finds himself between Changmin's legs, thrusting into the younger man so fast that Changmin's voice is starting to give out from screaming. He bites down on Changmin's jugular and groans when a flash of wet heat covers his abdomen and chest, Changmin clenched around him so hard that Yunho doesn't have any other choice but to follow the younger man in orgasm.
They say that after you take ecstasy for the first time, you'll never naturally be able to create a high that feels as good ever again. That's why people get addicted to it; it's the best ecstasy you'll ever feel.
Changmin begs to differ.
"Your cock is too big for my ass," he declares deliriously.
"...What?" Yunho asks, laughing quietly as he peppers kisses all over Changmin's face. "You seemed to be liking it just fine a little while ago."
"Yunho-yah!" Changmin whines, giving the older man a small pout that no one else in the world gets to see. "Now's the time for you to be all sweet and dumb and cheesy like you normally are!"
"I'm a leaf, and you just blew me away."
Changmin struggles to frown and then starts spluttering helplessly, grabbing Yunho's hair to drag him into a kiss. "I hate you almost as much as I love you. Happy birthday, Yunho-yah."
"Yeah," Yunho replies softly, unable to stop smiling, "it is."
---
Jaejoong's list of narcotics to avoid
heroine
- not worth the trouble
- no one likes needles
- arm starts looking like a game of minesweeper gone wrong
crack
- IS WHACK, YO
love
- dangerously addictive
- leaves you with a deplorable excess of personality that usually consists of smiling like a fuckface all day and fucking until dawn's early light at night
- withdrawal will lead to certain death, literal or figurative
- two love addicts is more than enough in this hoUSE GODDAMMIT WHY ARE THEY STILL FUCKING WHEN THERE'S A SHOW TOMORROW AWGPOISDGLKJASGLJPOWIGIGOPDSI
---
happy very, very belated, yunho-yah. ♥ sorry your bday fic is all about drugs :x
such great heights mp3
download free music now
yunho/changmin
nc-17
sex, drugs, and a little bit of rock and roll.
warning: hahahahahahaha refer to summary.
---
Yunho doesn't get cake on his birthday.
He doesn't get to spend it with his family, doesn't get to see his friends, doesn't get pampered and teased out of affection and love, doesn't get any warmth and extra kindness just because it's the anniversary of the day he was born.
He spends it sprinkling salt on the road to melt the February snows and dispel the slush, his back hunched with weariness and his muscles aching from having to lug around such a heavy bag.
His birthday is also the first time he meets Park Yoochun in an alley, smack dab in the middle of a drug deal.
---
"Are you sure this is alright?" Yunho asks for the millionth time, making Yoochun's eyebrow twitch in annoyance.
"Yeah, I'm sure this is alright."
"But-"
"You're not intruding," Yoochun repeats with a tired sigh, waving Yunho into a stylish, dark apartment, drapes so heavy against the windows that Yunho can't even see the first rays of sunlight beginning to peek out over the horizon. It's late, or rather, it's very early, and he's too tired to ask.
"Who's that?" a very tall and tired looking boy asks, lounging around on the sofa. His hair is all sorts of haphazard and his long legs are dangling lifelessly over the armrest at the knee, but Yunho doesn't think it unattractive.
"Yunho, Changmin," Yoochun introduces with a grunt, "Changmin, this is Yunho. He caught me buying." He walks over to the corner of the room and toes at a lump of clothing, Yunho nearly jumping out of his skin when the lump of clothing moves and groans. "And this here is our leader, Jaejoong. Meet your new roommates."
Changmin gives Yunho a bored once-over. "I thought I told you to stop bringing home strays."
---
Yunho's usually pretty good with current events. People leave him newspapers along with some change and when they're kind enough to buy him food, they also talk to him about their lives. It was hard at first to sneak around and live in the rest stops at subway stations but the kindness of strangers has really surprised him over these last few years.
"Don't touch that!" Changmin snarls, smacking Yunho's hand away. Yunho blinks and withdraws his hand quickly, mumbling an apology as he looks with his eyes and not with his hands, itching to touch the pretty award sitting on a dusty bookshelf.
"What was that for?" he asks curiously, looking around the spacious apartment.
"Newcomer of the year," Changmin answers after a long pause. His answer sounds like he hadn't been planning on answering in the first place.
"It's so cool that you're in a band. Jaejoong and the Mice."
"It gets old pretty quick. I don't like being a mouse."
Yunho looks at Changmin for a while before standing up, stretching comfortably. "Thanks for letting me stay for the night. I haven't been able to have a hot shower in a really long time."
"You going somewhere?"
"Work," Yunho answers with a smile, waves, and strolls out the door, stepping over an unconscious Jaejoong and Yoochun to do it.
Changmin just shrugs and goes looking for some alcohol. It's almost three in the afternoon, after all.
---
Yunho doesn't come back again for over a month. Changmin's not holding his breath but he doesn't hold his breath for much these days. He's not sure what he's doing with his life anymore; he still remembers with painful bitterness how eager he used to be, how excited he was to be offered a modeling gig, the euphoria of being signed to a label when producers had discovered his voice, his elation when their band sold their first album. Stardom comes quick and the high's like nothing else, but the sparkle wears off, just like all glitter does, and he finds himself needing a manmade high more and more in order to keep going.
"I saw him collecting bottles this time," Yoochun says, pouting at him on the couch. "Minnie~ please?"
"You're such a bleeding heart," Changmin grunts, sighing because he knows he's beat anyway. "If you want to invite him back, whatever. But he's not living here for free!"
Yoochun raises an eyebrow at him. "Changmin, are you serious? The guy lives at rest stops in the subway and collects bottles to make ends meet."
"Since when has money been our currency?" Changmin shoots right back.
---
Two months after their first meeting, Jaejoong offers Yunho a free backstage pass to one of their concerts. He can't get the guy to take his money but as a fantastically brilliant hyung, Jaejoong has figured out that Yunho will grudgingly receive material gifts.
"Don't talk to strangers," Jaejoong says, poking Yunho in the forehead when he gets the cue to go onstage. "And don't bother Changmin. He's already on the verge of making you pay for rent."
"But I don't even-"
"He's just crabby," Jaejoong soothes, petting Yunho on the head. "He does like you. We all do. Just let him sober up and you'll see."
---
Jaejoong, Yoochun, and Changmin make up one of the hottest new indie rock bands that ever swept through Asia. Yunho doesn't know if going mainstream with a big label still means they're indie but he doesn't get caught up on technicalities. Jaejoong is the lead singer with a phenomenal voice, Yoochun writes all their music and plays electric piano, and Changmin's on back-up vocals but he's their very important guitarist. Yunho's taken with them before he even really knows who they are. Yoochun brought him off the streets, Jaejoong kept him indoors, and Changmin...
Changmin tolerates him and teaches him random things. Like how to read music, how to look at things without touching them with his hands, how to roll a joint and get it to burn properly without overloading it with tobacco. Changmin gives him his very first pill of ecstasy, a happy, yellow smiley face, so glad to see him.
Yunho doesn't have much to contribute but he does teach Changmin how to fold cranes, helping the younger man with sharp creases when Changmin's too strung out to keep his fingers from shaking. They're slowly making their way to a thousand but Changmin doesn't know that.
The important thing is: Changmin's always annoyed with him, but always tells him to stay for dinner. And when Yunho has really bad days, Changmin washes his back while he soaks in the tub and never says a thing.
Backstage, after the concert, Yunho finds out for the first time how brilliant it is to see Changmin smile.
---
"Fuck," Changmin spits, kicking over a pile of clothes, one of many covering the living room floor. "I hate this mess. I really hate it."
"Did something happen?" Yunho asks cautiously, afraid to get too close.
"Yeah, this place is a fucking mess!"
"Ignore him," Jaejoong says from the kitchen. Yunho can smell jjigae cooking and his stomach growls, but he refuses to ask for food. It's only been a few months and he still feels like he's an intruder.
"Fuck you, Jaejoong."
"He ran out of e," Jaejoong continues boredly, turning around to throw Yunho a look. "Don't indulge him."
---
When Changmin comes home one day after a spectacularly mundane lunch with his family, it's to a pristine apartment, clean from floor to ceiling. All of their clothes have been washed and hung out to dry, and this is the first time in a long time that Changmin remembers they have floorboards and not carpet.
"You should keep being mean to him," Jaejoong suggests, lounging on the couch, currently cutting a line of cocaine on the uncluttered and very clean coffee table. "He kind of idolizes you."
Changmin flushes with guilt. "Where is he?"
Jaejoong shrugs, Yunho's whereabouts the last of his worries. "Maybe you scared him away."
---
Yunho doesn't appear again for almost the entire summer. Changmin's curious but he's too shy to ask, putting on an apathetic front, not that anyone can tell since that's his normal expression anyway. He offers to go out to buy one night and ignores the looks of surprise on Jaejoong and Yoochun's faces, dressing down as much as he can, scratching at the flaking black polish on his nails as he goes to their regular dealer.
He waits and waits and waits and Yunho doesn't pass by even once. Junsu doesn't know where Yunho is either and Junsu knows everything about the area. After getting enough e to last him the rest of the year, Changmin wanders to the closest subway station, wandering around aimlessly until he finds a small overhang that creates a cave-like space, a few things packed away in the corner.
He knows he shouldn't snoop. He snoops anyway. Changmin crawls in and unfolds a ratty, dirty blanket to find an even rattier, dirtier stuffed bambi toy, the fur matted and coarse from excessive love.
"Changmin?"
Changmin jumps and smacks his head on the top of the overhang, wincing as he scrambles out again, trying not to look too guilty. "I was just-"
But it's Yunho's expression that shuts him up. Changmin stares and feels something twist in his stomach, then twist in his chest, not understanding why Yunho's the one that looks so embarrassed right now. There's shame in those kind eyes and it makes Changmin want to vomit.
"You know what," Changmin says softly, "you should come home."
"Changmin, I-"
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about!" Changmin interrupts, his voice sounding foreign and eager to his own ears, his body seeming to unattach from his mind as he reaches forward to take Yunho's hand in his. There are callouses on the older man's fingertips and his skin is hard from wear and tear. "This isn't home, okay? You come with me and come home. Jaejoong and Yoochun-"
"I'm just a bother," Yunho says, trying to wrestle his hand away, "I can't, Changmin, I can't even pay-"
"There's nothing for you to be ashamed of!" Changmin yells, his voice echoing through the empty subway station at 3 in the morning. "Nothing! I don't want you to stay here, okay? Just come back. If you really want to pay, you can."
"But I-"
"I'm not talking about money."
They stare at each other for a long time, hands joined, Yunho clearly confused as to why Changmin even cares so much. Changmin sighs and tugs at Yunho's hand again, finally starting to look his age.
So Yunho goes.
---
"I don't think this is the proper etiquette of things," Yunho says quietly, lying on his side, his thighs wet and warm with Changmin's come. He closes his eyes when the younger man leans over him and kisses him on the lips, opening them again when he feels something hard and round dissolving on his tongue.
"Four leaf clover," Changmin whispers, hand stroking Yunho's thigh. "You can spit it out and check if you want. It'll bring you luck."
Yunho sighs and reaches up to touch Changmin's cheek, the smooth skin so soft under his calloused fingertips. "Is this all you needed me for?"
"Sorry, Yunho-yah," Changmin replies after a long while, "I don't believe in love anymore. It's magic, you know? And magic isn't real."
---
Yunho goes to all of Changmin's shows. Sometimes he hangs around backstage, sometimes he jumps and screams with the rest of the crowd down below in the pit. Changmin's electric when he's onstage and Yunho can see life in those eyes when Changmin's really into a piece of music, when he's really singing, when he's so stone sober because he doesn't need the drugs to reach a high that thrums through his bones with every note, the amp turned up so high he can't even hear himself scream.
---
"You've been dealt a very shitty hand in this game called life, my friend," Jaejoong offers sagely, squished with Yunho in a corner of the apartment one night, the two of them sharing a joint. "You handle it really well, though. How're you and Changminnie doing?"
"Not sure," Yunho says, taking a deep drag and coughs, "I think I'm in love with him."
"Because he gives you e for free or because you actually fell in love with him?"
"I'm a romantic, JaeJae."
"And I'll never know why," Jaejoong replies, sighing heavily. "He's got the personality of a wet towel that's wet because someone peed on it."
"Maybe to you."
"You're just saying that 'cause you're sleeping with him."
"Why am I sleeping with him?" Yunho muses out loud, "that doesn't seem very romantic of me."
"Because you love him, I guess."
Yunho snorts with laughter as they talk in circles and realizes that the marijuana's working. It's pretty pure considering how cheap they bought it for. "He's a cynic. Negative about everything."
"He's not negative about you." Jaejoong looks at Yunho look at him, smiling after a while, reaching out to give his adorable dongsaeng a half-hug. "Behind every cynic is a frustrated romantic, Yunho-yah. You just have to trap him and force him out."
---
This year, Yunho doesn't get cake on his birthday. But he also isn't out salting the roads or collecting bottles for loose change, and he's not huddled under a subway rest stop, doing his best not to freeze. This year, Yunho spends it inside the apartment of three recreational drug users that make up one hell of a famous band. Actually, maybe two recreational and one habitual; he still can't decide about Jaejoong.
"Come on, bedtime," Changmin says, standing quickly, pulling Yunho with him.
"Can you guys not do it 'til dawn this time?" Yoochun asks, his words all slurred and unintelligible. "Show tomorrow and...fuck, what was I talking about?"
Yunho doesn't get to answer. He's dragged into Changmin's surprisingly neat bedroom and muffles a groan into Changmin's mouth as he gets pushed to the bed, clothes flying off in seconds. Changmin doesn't offer words of affection or insightful reflections of his emotional depths but he is always gentle and often asks Yunho how he wants it.
Yunho just smiles and kisses Changmin again, in love with how Changmin's lips feel on his own. He spreads his legs without question and cries out the way Changmin likes when he's being filled, his nails digging into the younger man's back and arms as they rock together, too many breaths lost between them to count. Yunho's never not come before and Changmin's never used a condom before. He doesn't know if it's stupid or if this means Changmin's loyal but he doesn't ask, too afraid of the answer anyway. His bubble of ignorance is warm and blissful and it's Yunho's name on Changmin's tongue right before dawn breaks, and it's Changmin's arms that are wrapped around his waist more often than not when he wakes these days.
It's strange, how much can change in a year.
---
"Changmin-ah," Yunho whispers, tugging on Changmin's hair.
"Mmm...hm?"
"Wake up."
"Why?" Changmin squeezes his eyes shut and tries to duck his head lower, burying his face in Yunho's neck.
"I've got a question to ask you."
"What?"
"When's your birthday?"
"The 18th of this month. Why?"
"Nothing."
"When's yours?"
"Yesterday."
---
"You've been dealt a very nice hand in this game called life, my friend," Jaejoong offers sagely, lounging on top of Changmin in the younger man's bed one day, the two of them appropriately drunk. "You handle it very badly, though. How're you and Yunja doing?"
"Not sure," Changmin slurs, coughing before he takes another swig of tequila rose, "I think I'm in love with him."
"Thought you didn't believe in love."
"I don't."
"So?"
There's a really long moment of silence and for a while, Jaejoong thinks Changmin's fallen asleep. He curses the gods for not being able to pry an answer out of his dongsaeng when Changmin moves again, startling the hell out of him.
"Hey, you awake?" Jaejoong asks, "so?"
"I..." Changmin says softly, sounding painfully young and vulnerable, "I don't know."
"Why not?"
Changmin closes his eyes and shakes his head. "It's just...lately, I can't stop thinking about him."
"Why's that so bad?"
"I can't even give him anything."
"If you loved him, isn't that enough?"
"Would it be?"
Jaejoong laughs and flicks Changmin between the eyes. "He's a romantic, Shim Changmin. Love is his drug of choice. You, on the other hand, are getting quite addicted to those happy happy happy pills there. Lay off the e, okay? It's starting to mess with you."
Changmin doesn't even hear.
"Electric, isn't it?" Jaejoong asks softly, a smile plastered to his face.
---
Yunho doesn't come home for a few days. Changmin gets incredibly touchy and unapproachable and even Yoochun gets tired of it, refusing to talk to Changmin until Yunho comes back. There's no phone to reach him at, Yunho's not hanging out at the subway station again, Changmin's checked, and he's just about worrying himself sick.
He even glared so hard at a fangirl taking a fancam of him that her camera started going crazy. It's just a big coincidence but it at least made Changmin feel a little better.
Yunho shows up again on the 18th, just as Jaejoong's about to shove Changmin's face into the cake he bought.
"Hey!" Yunho greets them all, completely oblivious to the way everyone's glaring at him now, "happy birthday, Changmin-ah!"
"Where have you been?"
"Working!" Yunho replies. He rummages around in his jacket pocket and emerges with a CD and two chocolates, blushing a little as he goes forward to hand it to the younger man. "Sorry I couldn't get you anything nicer," he says shyly, "it was all I could afford. I remembered how this guitarist I used to bum with told me about this artist. He's Japanese and he's really good with the guitar, and since you're a guitarist, you know...and this is his new album! It just came out yesterday! I hope you like it..."
Changmin accepts the CD silently, staring at the cover for a bit before he stands and walks off. "Bathroom," he says absently, disappearing into his room instead.
Yunho stares after the younger man and then turns to Yoochun and Jaejoong, clearly distressed. "Do you think he hates it?"
Jaejoong smiles and looks away, shaking his head. "He loves it, Yunho-yah. And you better go see if he's okay. I think you just trapped him and forced him out."
---
Changmin shuts the door to the bedroom behind himself. He can't seem to swallow past the lump in his throat and wipes away the tears in his eyes with annoyance, not understanding why they won't stop. Stumbling to his bookcase, Changmin looks around in his music collection for the same CD that he has in his hands now, taking it out once he finds it, opening the cover to look at the personal message written to him, autograph and all.
Yunho's just dumb like that. Changmin received this CD as a gift almost a month ago from Oshio Koutarou himself. He's friends with the guy.
He doesn't even think twice before going to the window to open it all the way. Changmin looks at the CD that Yunho got for him, opening it to find a small note of "Happy Birthday, Changmin-ah! Hyung loves you! ♥" on the inside, and throws out the one that he personally received from Oshio Koutarou.
So what, it's just an autograph, there will always be more.
There's only one Yunho who'll spend all his life savings of a whopping $22.49 to buy him a CD and two chocolates for his birthday.
The signed CD goes crashing apart on the pavement below and Changmin sinks to his knees, clutching his chocolates and gift to his chest, crying quietly to himself.
When Yunho comes in to tentatively apologize and hug him, Changmin can't do anything but hit Yunho uselessly on the chest and then hug him so hard he almost breaks bones, the dam to his tears broken beyond repair.
"I don't understand you," Changmin whispers hoarsely, his chest cramping with pain, "why are you so nice to me!? Why are you like this? Why don't you look for someone who treats you better?"
Yunho blinks and smiles a little sadly, holding Changmin protectively in his arms. "You say it like you think I have a choice in all this."
"Why don't you?"
"Because I love you."
Changmin drops everything in his hands and grabs Yunho's face, lunging forward for a hungry, desperate kiss, falling to the ground together. "I can't breathe when you're here," he whispers against Yunho's lips, his eyelashes wet with tears, " and I feel like I'm going to short out when I think of you every time you're gone."
Yunho smiles and exhales into Changmin's mouth, his eyes closing when Changmin inhales him with palpable desperation. "Electric, isn't it?"
---
Changmin strictly forbids Yunho from disappearing again without a word after that. He buys a phone for the older man and stares Yunho down until he accepts it, Changmin's heart much more at peace now that he can text Yunho whenever he wants to check up on him. It's more than a little obsessive but Changmin's never denied Jaejoong's accusations of his neurosis. He hangs on tightly to the things he loves and he doesn't love much.
It doesn't happen overnight but it does happen fairly quickly. Changmin gives all his ecstasy to Yoochun and Yoochun passes it to Jaejoong who gets them all tripped out when he puts it in the jjigae one night.
Changmin's new drug of choice is Yunho.
Before shows, after shows, between shows, especially when there aren't any shows, Changmin's glued to Yunho's side, never doing much of anything except kissing the older man and clinging to him. Anyone can understand how lethal it is to have love running through your veins so no one blames Changmin for not being able to let go.
---
Two years after Yunho first meets Yoochun in an alley buying ecstasy for Changmin, he finds himself between Changmin's legs, thrusting into the younger man so fast that Changmin's voice is starting to give out from screaming. He bites down on Changmin's jugular and groans when a flash of wet heat covers his abdomen and chest, Changmin clenched around him so hard that Yunho doesn't have any other choice but to follow the younger man in orgasm.
They say that after you take ecstasy for the first time, you'll never naturally be able to create a high that feels as good ever again. That's why people get addicted to it; it's the best ecstasy you'll ever feel.
Changmin begs to differ.
"Your cock is too big for my ass," he declares deliriously.
"...What?" Yunho asks, laughing quietly as he peppers kisses all over Changmin's face. "You seemed to be liking it just fine a little while ago."
"Yunho-yah!" Changmin whines, giving the older man a small pout that no one else in the world gets to see. "Now's the time for you to be all sweet and dumb and cheesy like you normally are!"
"I'm a leaf, and you just blew me away."
Changmin struggles to frown and then starts spluttering helplessly, grabbing Yunho's hair to drag him into a kiss. "I hate you almost as much as I love you. Happy birthday, Yunho-yah."
"Yeah," Yunho replies softly, unable to stop smiling, "it is."
---
Jaejoong's list of narcotics to avoid
heroine
- not worth the trouble
- no one likes needles
- arm starts looking like a game of minesweeper gone wrong
crack
- IS WHACK, YO
love
- dangerously addictive
- leaves you with a deplorable excess of personality that usually consists of smiling like a fuckface all day and fucking until dawn's early light at night
- withdrawal will lead to certain death, literal or figurative
- two love addicts is more than enough in this hoUSE GODDAMMIT WHY ARE THEY STILL FUCKING WHEN THERE'S A SHOW TOMORROW AWGPOISDGLKJASGLJPOWIGIGOPDSI
---
happy very, very belated, yunho-yah. ♥ sorry your bday fic is all about drugs :x
such great heights mp3
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