nothing but blue skies
nothing but blue skies
yunho/changmin
pg-13
when being over is better than being under.
---
Yunho always said that everything will be okay in the end. And if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
---
Changmin was born during a time of change.
All of the government issued newspapers only talk about the imminent change from nuclear winter to nuclear summer these days. Changmin never really cared for history despite both his parents' pleas to pursue knowledge; his sisters can do that. He's always been more interested in science and his affluence allows him the freedom to study whatever the hell he wants.
Always curious and unable to sit still once he finished going through the rare archive of books that were salvaged hundreds of years ago, Changmin took to exploring the Underground, going to the slums to inspect all the dirt mounds that the less fortunate were forced to live in.
That's how he meets Jung Yunho. Disturbingly poor and always filthy from head to toe, Yunho had been collecting bottles on the street when he ran into Changmin and knocked the younger boy over. He brought Changmin home with him and his mother had freaked out because Changmin was clearly rich and Yunho's family clearly wasn't but Changmin didn't mind. He liked Yunho, still likes him, and whenever their mothers were too busy to pay attention, they always snuck out to play around between the mazes of pipes and metals in the Underground.
"How come you're poor?" Changmin asks one day, not meaning for it to sound so mean and rude but helpless to take the words back once they're out.
Yunho shrugs and looks up at the dark ceiling of soil their city has so carefully smoothed over, sheets of metals melded together to ensure that no collapse will ever bury them. "You don't get paid for having a family of lawyers when the government hands out death sentences for things like shoplifting. I wish my family had teachers like yours does. Everyone's so bent on remembering what the Upperground was like before we had to come down here that your family's always going to be rich. Trust me."
After that, Changmin never brings it up again.
---
Despite all the books and illustrations and the very rare movies he's seen, Changmin doesn't quite understand the concept of blue. The sky that he sees in picture books are all faded from pages worn enough to disintegrate, the blue in movies so surreal and blinding to his eyes that he can't look at the screen for more than a few seconds at a time. He grew up in browns and grays and blacks and monotones. Dye is a luxury that even the affluent can't indulge in. The only vibrancy he knows comes from the leaping oranges and reds of fire, and even that's limited because their monthly allowances of wood and wax would never last if he kept burning it all for visual pleasure.
---
After high school, Changmin is hired immediately by the government to work on top secret things for the future of mankind. He doesn't do anything important, only stays in a lab all day and looks into microscopes until his eyes cross, concluding ambiguously at the end of every year that there is to be climate change on the Upperground but results are too inconclusive to say much else. His team's finding are published in the daily United Underground circulated to each home. Changmin's parents are proud of him but Changmin doesn't care about any of it.
His favorite times are still spent with Yunho, mainly because Yunho's job is actually interesting.
"How're the Pipes?" Changmin asks, sighing with exhaustion as collapses onto Yunho's small cot. Yunho's mom knocks on the bedroom door and Changmin sits up very straight again, bowing in thanks when she hands over a tray of fruits and drinks. He knows Yunho's family always keeps expensive things like fruits for his visits. Changmin wishes they wouldn't, but he supposes they're just grateful their son is friends with someone wealthy. "You should tell your mom to stop doing this," Changmin mutters after she leaves.
"Not my fault she wants to keep you around," Yunho replies, grinning as he bounces down on the cot as well, "and they're boring. It's always boring."
"Liar."
"Yup, but that's for your own good."
Changmin snorts and takes a bite of genetically engineered apple. "Are you sure I can't come with you to the Pipes? I want to visit you at work."
Yunho pets Changmin's hair before pinching him on the arm. "You know no one's allowed near the Pipes. I'm only working there because I'm poor enough to not matter if I die but smart enough to understand what's going on since I've had a brilliant influence like you in my life." He makes a face. "They'd never let a gem like you near there."
"Oh well, it's probably nothing exciting, anyway."
Something crosses Yunho's face and Changmin blinks, but it disappears as fast as it came. He's still staring when Yunho breaks out into a sunny grin and pushes Changmin over onto the bed, gracefully leaning over to blow out the only candle giving light in his bedroom. "Want to do something more exciting?"
Changmin promptly drops the half-eaten apple he was holding. A hand sneaks between his legs and Changmin's eyes roll back into his head, groaning as Yunho's mouth starts sucking on his neck, wet noises driving him insane. "Thought you'd never ask."
---
The Pipes were built hundreds of years ago before either of Changmin's or Yunho's grandparents were born. Having had to relocate deep into the Earth to avoid nuclear radiation and the effects of nuclear winter, the only choice the people had were to build long, towering pipes with all of their resources, giant cups capping each hollow pipe in order to absorb sound. It's crazy to think that you can hear what death sounds like, but for generations of Pipe guards, that was all to be heard. The sound of acidic rains reverberate down the pipes in metallic clinks, the force of poisonous winds so strong that the Pipe ends thrum from it. The number of suicides of Pipe guards is disturbing but if you think about it, listening and feeling death every single day aren't exactly conducive to living a happy life.
Yunho only signed up for the job because he knew he would get it and he was desperate enough for the money. It pays well because it's often fatal but Yunho has faith in himself. He's always been a positive person. And for the greater good, he would rather put himself at risk than let anyone else suffer.
---
Yunho has a problem saying no to Changmin, especially when they're cuddled together in bed. He says yes to everything Changmin suggests and all Changmin has to do is flutter long eyelashes against his neck and Yunho's blurting out government secrets as casually as he would tell Changmin about what he had for lunch.
"Tell me about the Pipes," Changmin demands, nose pressed to Yunho's throat, toe poking at Yunho's calf. "I want to hear about the Pipes!"
Yunho sighs and squirms a little. "I don't know what to tell you."
"Tell me about what the Upperground sounds like. It's been a while."
Yunho sighs again and shakes his head. "I don't hear anything anymore."
"Isn't that bad?" Changmin asks curiously. "It doesn't even rain anymore?" Yunho shifts again, clearly uncomfortable, and Changmin finally frowns, pushing himself up to lean closer to Yunho, their breaths mingling in the dark. "Yah, Jung Yunho. You've been getting quieter and quieter on me for the last few months. Every time i ask, you get all quiet and then change the subject. What's going on?"
More silence. Changmin feels a wave of irrational hurt and anger wash through him. If there's ever been an exception to Yunho's rules, it's always been him. He can't believe that Yunho would stop trusting him even if it's about top secret government stuff.
Without a word, Changmin pushes himself off of Yunho's naked body and moves to leave, pressing his lips together when Yunho grabs his wrist.
"I don't hear anything anymore," Yunho repeats quietly.
Changmin doesn't say anything.
"That's just it," Yunho continues helplessly, "there hasn't been anything in so long. The government keeps talking about how we're transitioning into nuclear summer but I should still hear winds, right?"
"You can't have complete climate reorientation in less than a few decades..." Changmin offers slowly.
Yunho's grip on his wrist tightens until Changmin lets himself be pulled back to bed. "That's what I mean. I still hear rain, Changmin-ah, but it's not like before. I...I don't know how to explain it to you. When you close your eyes and you hear change falling together, that's pretty much what rain has always sounded like in the recordings the government trained me with. It's what rain used to sound like. Now it's...it's not like that. It just sounds...better now."
"Better?"
"Safer," Yunho amends, "it sounds safer. And the winds sound different too, because it doesn't even sound like wind anymore."
Changmin turns his head slowly, suddenly a little tense about this situation. "Have you told anyone?" Yunho shakes his head and presses his cheek to Changmin's so the younger man can feel it in the dark. "Then don't tell anyone, okay? I don't know what this means but if the government hasn't told anyone about it, not even the scientists, I don't want you to say anything."
"There's..." Yunho starts, trailing off after a few seconds. Changmin waits patiently, giving Yunho's hand a squeeze until the older man can continue. "There's actually a way up."
Changmin startles badly. "A way u-"
"Shh!" Yunho hisses, clapping a hand over Changmin's mouth. "I don't know, okay?" he whispers urgently, "I don't know. An older Pipe guard showed it to me the other day when I told him I felt strange about what I was hearing and feeling and apparently, old Pipe guards built it bit by bit. Changmin-ah, when you're always listening to what's above and feeling what could be happening, you just want to go see, you know? You want to go-"
"No, Yunho, you-"
"You want to go see!" Yunho whispers emphatically, grabbing Changmin's face so they can see the whites of each other's eyes in the dim light filtering in through the crack under the door. "Do you know what it feels like, Changmin? It feels like that thing you told me about, Summer? The thing you read out of that children's book and told me about when I was thirteen fucking years old. Isn't that worth something?"
"And what if you're just having a mental breakdown?" Changmin asks softly, unable to even comprehend what's going on. "I don't know Yunho-yah, if the government-"
"They'll never tell you the truth," Yunho states flatly, hands slipping from Changmin's face to fall between their bodies. "They have command over every single person in this goddamn city. No one says a thing about any of their decisions. What the hell is a procedural democracy? You don't get to think for yourself. You don't even know what the Pipe guards are hearing and feeling every single day because we're not allowed to say anything and the government will never give us hope that we can go above again because freedom means they don't have power and power is everything."
Silence stretches between them and Changmin sits there stupefied, not even knowing how to react. How long has Yunho been feeling like this? How had he not been able to see all of this struggling to get out of Yunho's mind?
"I wish you knew," Yunho mumbles, letting out a tired sigh, "just nevermind, Changmin. Forget it, okay? I don't know, maybe I am-"
Changmin reaches out to put his hand over Yunho's mouth. He waits for a bit before moving forward to hug his boyfriend of ten years and lover of six, slowly breathing out, his heart pounding hard enough that Yunho can feel it against his skin. "I believe you," Changmin whispers in Yunho's ear, "but just don't do anything stupid, okay? If you're going to do something stupid because I know you always do, tell me and bring me with you. Please don't leave me behind."
Yunho closes his eyes and wraps his arms tightly around Changmin's body, rocking him gently from side to side. "You smell nice."
"You're changing the subject."
"I know."
Changmin ducks his head a little more to press his forehead against Yunho's shoulder. "You're going to do something stupid, aren't you? You always do something stupid."
"I fell in love with you, didn't I?" Yunho asks softly, skimming his fingertips down the knobs of Changmin's spine.
"Promise me you won't leave me behind. Do it."
"You smell just like me."
Changmin stays over that night to have dinner at Yunho's house. Neither of Yunho's parents comment on their unofficial son-in-law's red-rimmed eyes.
---
For months after their fight that wasn't really a fight, Changmin keeps his distance, both emotionally and physically. But too much love will kill you if you try to keep it locked inside, so when Yunho shows up at his doorstep with tiny wildflowers he picked up along the road to Changmin's house, Changmin doesn't have much choice but to crumble and pray that Yunho doesn't suddenly disappear one day.
He knows that Yunho's going to try and go to the Upperground. The older man's stubborn when his will is set and Changmin can tell that Yunho really believes that the Upperground is safe. How can it be? If nuclear winter is petering out into a nuclear summer, how can it be safe?
Life carries on like it always does. Changmin watches over Yunho with an obsessive kind of paranoia, calling the older man the second Yunho's done work, talking with him until Yunho gets home or meets up with him in the middle of a street somewhere. He hates to be keeping tabs but what is he going to do if Yunho suddenly disappears? They never talk about Yunho leaving, they don't even talk about anything work-related to each other anymore. Changmin regrets not reacting better all those months ago but bringing it up again now might just spur Yunho to leave him sooner.
He's allowed to be selfish, isn't he? If he's already handed Yunho his heart on a silver platter, if it beats every time Yunho turns to him and smiles, isn't Changmin allowed to try and protect it by keeping Yunho close and safe?
---
The day before Yunho leaves Changmin forever, he plans and prepares the mother of all romantic events, so over the top and catering to Changmin's needs that Changmin instantly knows that it's a goodbye.
On a weekend when neither of them have to work, Yunho invites Changmin over to his house so they can head to a nearby park together, a few harsh greens littering the brown and blacks, the closest thing they have to scenery. He's made a picnic for both of them, the foods so extravagant that Changmin knows Yunho must have spent all his savings just to prepare this meal. He smiles through all of it with calm, resigned acceptance, laughing when Yunho makes his dumb little puns, holding on extra tight every time Yunho leans close to kiss him, his heart hurting so bad that Changmin wishes it would just break and be done with it.
That night, after Yunho makes love to him and Changmin's in the middle of trying not to have a panic attack, Yunho sets out what seems like a hundred candles on the bedroom floor, a lopsided, burning heart with Changmin sitting in the center. Just as Changmin starts to cry, Yunho gently tugs him to stand, the both of them dancing a clumsy, playful last waltz, the older man kissing him and kissing him until Changmin's head spins and he's believing in things like magic and seeing myths like fireworks and stars behind his eyelids.
---
Life still carries on as it always does. He hears through the grapevine that a new Pipe guard is hired after another one has killed himself, but Changmin knows that Yunho didn't commit suicide in the traditional sense. He wonders how many other guards have secretly sent themselves to death on the Upperground, heads confused with fatal promises that false hope gives.
It's the end of them. It's the end of life as Changmin knows it and Yunho had lied to him. Everything isn't okay. Nothing's okay.
For a long time, he just tries to forget. Changmin tries to live as an imcomplete whole without his other half, his better half, sleeping in a bed perfect for one but always too empty when he's accustomed to having one more. He doesn't just lose a lover, he loses his best friend, his confidant, his voice of reason, his voice of recklessness, the warmth and happiness that always lent themselves so unfailingly every time he searched them out. Yunho was his everything and Changmin doesn't think that will ever change. He goes through the stages of grief in endless cycles until one day, he wakes up with dry eyes and nothing but apathy in his heart, skipping out on work in order to go far into the city limits, the long, metal pipes extending down from the sky of soil visible from almost a mile away.
There's no security here. Old wives tales speak of curses and no one really wants to be near the Pipes that always bring death. Changmin strolls into the compound with no problems, hunting around until he finds the most elderly looking Pipe guard, ear pressed to cool metal, something akin to peace in his expression.
"Excuse me," Changmin says quietly, waiting until an uninterested gaze is settled on him. "I'm-"
"Took you long enough to come, Shim Changmin," the man interrupts. "How long did you want him to wait for you?"
Changmin's heart cramps again, a dying gasp that he resents so much right now, wishing he had never let Yunho go in the first place. It was cowardice and it was fear, and he has years of unspoken words he never said to Yunho's face tearing at his heart, so angry at himself right now just like he is every single day. He doesn't appreciate a stranger trying to talk down at him right now.
"I-"
"Walk to the walls of the city limits and look around until you see loose dirt. Have a good trip."
Changmin fumes silently for another few minutes before stalking away, progressively growing more afraid than angry as he nears the walls of compact soil that mark the city limits. He sucks in a deep breath and walks along the edge until he finds a door-sized block of soil that seems darker than the rest, his heart pounding in his throat as he digs it away, the doors of an old-fashioned elevator eventually coming into sight.
Why doesn't the government ever come here?
Because they're content to be cowards and never know, Yunho's voice laughs in his head. Come on, Changmin-ah. I miss you.
Changmin squares his jaw and steps inside. He closes the doors behind himself, the hinges clearly well-oiled, only a single button inside that he presses four times before the old elevator begins to move. He doesn't know what it's powered by, doesn't understand how there could be power in the city limits, his mind trying to seize onto any distracting thought possible as he feels his breaths becoming shorter, his head getting lighter and lighter, the change in atmosphere too much to take.
After what seems like an eternity, the elevator stops. Changmin looks around dizzily, not understanding, falling forward to push open the doors, gasping hard for breath as his vision blurs and his feet trip together. Changmin lies still and gasps for a while before pushing himself to his feet again, crying quietly because he feels so alone, scared to the point of shaking, no Yunho to make it better.
"Yunho...Yunho..." Changmin whimpers, choking on the name, slowly climbing the incline of soil that this neverending cave is taking him on. He eventually has to hold his breath as he gets up high and reaches an end, eyes widening a little to see two slabs of metal that look like doors. Changmin's chest struggles, fire in his lungs as he pushes with the little strength he has left. He pushes and pushes with shaking arms, the need for air impossible, his muscles shaking and his arms and legs weakening, only able to give one last push before his arms fall back to his sides.
But it's all he needs. The doors give way and burst open, Changmin's breath knocked out of his chest as brilliant, blinding blue fills his senses. Eyes wide and heart tripping over itself in hard, furious beats, Changmin stumbles out of the tunnel and into flowers and grass and weeds that go up to his waist, his jagged movements like a dance as his pupils dilate uncontrollably, sunshine and color and life overloading all his senses.
In the field of flowers, Changmin sees Yunho. His best friend, his only lover, his better half, lying in the grass, a peaceful smile on his face as he sleeps.
Changmin smiles too. He tries to breathe and then stops when he realizes his diaphragm won't overcome its respiratory arrest from this oxygen overdose, and that's fine. Changmin feels warm, summer wind gently floating him down next to Yunho's body, smiling wider when he feels sunshine burn into his skin.
I love you, Yunho seems to say, and you see? I told you, didn't I?
Changmin feels his eyes closing, his body so warm and safe, Yunho's face the last thing he sees. He wants to sleep now. The greens and reds and purples and yellows are too warm, the ceiling of blue too promising. Slowly, Changmin lets himself fade away, his fingers gently curled into Yunho's palm, his heart finally at peace.
Yunho was right.
Everything is okay.
---
:x i have exams. :xxxx i also apologize if you hated this...i have exams. :x...8D?
yunho/changmin
pg-13
when being over is better than being under.
---
Yunho always said that everything will be okay in the end. And if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
---
Changmin was born during a time of change.
All of the government issued newspapers only talk about the imminent change from nuclear winter to nuclear summer these days. Changmin never really cared for history despite both his parents' pleas to pursue knowledge; his sisters can do that. He's always been more interested in science and his affluence allows him the freedom to study whatever the hell he wants.
Always curious and unable to sit still once he finished going through the rare archive of books that were salvaged hundreds of years ago, Changmin took to exploring the Underground, going to the slums to inspect all the dirt mounds that the less fortunate were forced to live in.
That's how he meets Jung Yunho. Disturbingly poor and always filthy from head to toe, Yunho had been collecting bottles on the street when he ran into Changmin and knocked the younger boy over. He brought Changmin home with him and his mother had freaked out because Changmin was clearly rich and Yunho's family clearly wasn't but Changmin didn't mind. He liked Yunho, still likes him, and whenever their mothers were too busy to pay attention, they always snuck out to play around between the mazes of pipes and metals in the Underground.
"How come you're poor?" Changmin asks one day, not meaning for it to sound so mean and rude but helpless to take the words back once they're out.
Yunho shrugs and looks up at the dark ceiling of soil their city has so carefully smoothed over, sheets of metals melded together to ensure that no collapse will ever bury them. "You don't get paid for having a family of lawyers when the government hands out death sentences for things like shoplifting. I wish my family had teachers like yours does. Everyone's so bent on remembering what the Upperground was like before we had to come down here that your family's always going to be rich. Trust me."
After that, Changmin never brings it up again.
---
Despite all the books and illustrations and the very rare movies he's seen, Changmin doesn't quite understand the concept of blue. The sky that he sees in picture books are all faded from pages worn enough to disintegrate, the blue in movies so surreal and blinding to his eyes that he can't look at the screen for more than a few seconds at a time. He grew up in browns and grays and blacks and monotones. Dye is a luxury that even the affluent can't indulge in. The only vibrancy he knows comes from the leaping oranges and reds of fire, and even that's limited because their monthly allowances of wood and wax would never last if he kept burning it all for visual pleasure.
---
After high school, Changmin is hired immediately by the government to work on top secret things for the future of mankind. He doesn't do anything important, only stays in a lab all day and looks into microscopes until his eyes cross, concluding ambiguously at the end of every year that there is to be climate change on the Upperground but results are too inconclusive to say much else. His team's finding are published in the daily United Underground circulated to each home. Changmin's parents are proud of him but Changmin doesn't care about any of it.
His favorite times are still spent with Yunho, mainly because Yunho's job is actually interesting.
"How're the Pipes?" Changmin asks, sighing with exhaustion as collapses onto Yunho's small cot. Yunho's mom knocks on the bedroom door and Changmin sits up very straight again, bowing in thanks when she hands over a tray of fruits and drinks. He knows Yunho's family always keeps expensive things like fruits for his visits. Changmin wishes they wouldn't, but he supposes they're just grateful their son is friends with someone wealthy. "You should tell your mom to stop doing this," Changmin mutters after she leaves.
"Not my fault she wants to keep you around," Yunho replies, grinning as he bounces down on the cot as well, "and they're boring. It's always boring."
"Liar."
"Yup, but that's for your own good."
Changmin snorts and takes a bite of genetically engineered apple. "Are you sure I can't come with you to the Pipes? I want to visit you at work."
Yunho pets Changmin's hair before pinching him on the arm. "You know no one's allowed near the Pipes. I'm only working there because I'm poor enough to not matter if I die but smart enough to understand what's going on since I've had a brilliant influence like you in my life." He makes a face. "They'd never let a gem like you near there."
"Oh well, it's probably nothing exciting, anyway."
Something crosses Yunho's face and Changmin blinks, but it disappears as fast as it came. He's still staring when Yunho breaks out into a sunny grin and pushes Changmin over onto the bed, gracefully leaning over to blow out the only candle giving light in his bedroom. "Want to do something more exciting?"
Changmin promptly drops the half-eaten apple he was holding. A hand sneaks between his legs and Changmin's eyes roll back into his head, groaning as Yunho's mouth starts sucking on his neck, wet noises driving him insane. "Thought you'd never ask."
---
The Pipes were built hundreds of years ago before either of Changmin's or Yunho's grandparents were born. Having had to relocate deep into the Earth to avoid nuclear radiation and the effects of nuclear winter, the only choice the people had were to build long, towering pipes with all of their resources, giant cups capping each hollow pipe in order to absorb sound. It's crazy to think that you can hear what death sounds like, but for generations of Pipe guards, that was all to be heard. The sound of acidic rains reverberate down the pipes in metallic clinks, the force of poisonous winds so strong that the Pipe ends thrum from it. The number of suicides of Pipe guards is disturbing but if you think about it, listening and feeling death every single day aren't exactly conducive to living a happy life.
Yunho only signed up for the job because he knew he would get it and he was desperate enough for the money. It pays well because it's often fatal but Yunho has faith in himself. He's always been a positive person. And for the greater good, he would rather put himself at risk than let anyone else suffer.
---
Yunho has a problem saying no to Changmin, especially when they're cuddled together in bed. He says yes to everything Changmin suggests and all Changmin has to do is flutter long eyelashes against his neck and Yunho's blurting out government secrets as casually as he would tell Changmin about what he had for lunch.
"Tell me about the Pipes," Changmin demands, nose pressed to Yunho's throat, toe poking at Yunho's calf. "I want to hear about the Pipes!"
Yunho sighs and squirms a little. "I don't know what to tell you."
"Tell me about what the Upperground sounds like. It's been a while."
Yunho sighs again and shakes his head. "I don't hear anything anymore."
"Isn't that bad?" Changmin asks curiously. "It doesn't even rain anymore?" Yunho shifts again, clearly uncomfortable, and Changmin finally frowns, pushing himself up to lean closer to Yunho, their breaths mingling in the dark. "Yah, Jung Yunho. You've been getting quieter and quieter on me for the last few months. Every time i ask, you get all quiet and then change the subject. What's going on?"
More silence. Changmin feels a wave of irrational hurt and anger wash through him. If there's ever been an exception to Yunho's rules, it's always been him. He can't believe that Yunho would stop trusting him even if it's about top secret government stuff.
Without a word, Changmin pushes himself off of Yunho's naked body and moves to leave, pressing his lips together when Yunho grabs his wrist.
"I don't hear anything anymore," Yunho repeats quietly.
Changmin doesn't say anything.
"That's just it," Yunho continues helplessly, "there hasn't been anything in so long. The government keeps talking about how we're transitioning into nuclear summer but I should still hear winds, right?"
"You can't have complete climate reorientation in less than a few decades..." Changmin offers slowly.
Yunho's grip on his wrist tightens until Changmin lets himself be pulled back to bed. "That's what I mean. I still hear rain, Changmin-ah, but it's not like before. I...I don't know how to explain it to you. When you close your eyes and you hear change falling together, that's pretty much what rain has always sounded like in the recordings the government trained me with. It's what rain used to sound like. Now it's...it's not like that. It just sounds...better now."
"Better?"
"Safer," Yunho amends, "it sounds safer. And the winds sound different too, because it doesn't even sound like wind anymore."
Changmin turns his head slowly, suddenly a little tense about this situation. "Have you told anyone?" Yunho shakes his head and presses his cheek to Changmin's so the younger man can feel it in the dark. "Then don't tell anyone, okay? I don't know what this means but if the government hasn't told anyone about it, not even the scientists, I don't want you to say anything."
"There's..." Yunho starts, trailing off after a few seconds. Changmin waits patiently, giving Yunho's hand a squeeze until the older man can continue. "There's actually a way up."
Changmin startles badly. "A way u-"
"Shh!" Yunho hisses, clapping a hand over Changmin's mouth. "I don't know, okay?" he whispers urgently, "I don't know. An older Pipe guard showed it to me the other day when I told him I felt strange about what I was hearing and feeling and apparently, old Pipe guards built it bit by bit. Changmin-ah, when you're always listening to what's above and feeling what could be happening, you just want to go see, you know? You want to go-"
"No, Yunho, you-"
"You want to go see!" Yunho whispers emphatically, grabbing Changmin's face so they can see the whites of each other's eyes in the dim light filtering in through the crack under the door. "Do you know what it feels like, Changmin? It feels like that thing you told me about, Summer? The thing you read out of that children's book and told me about when I was thirteen fucking years old. Isn't that worth something?"
"And what if you're just having a mental breakdown?" Changmin asks softly, unable to even comprehend what's going on. "I don't know Yunho-yah, if the government-"
"They'll never tell you the truth," Yunho states flatly, hands slipping from Changmin's face to fall between their bodies. "They have command over every single person in this goddamn city. No one says a thing about any of their decisions. What the hell is a procedural democracy? You don't get to think for yourself. You don't even know what the Pipe guards are hearing and feeling every single day because we're not allowed to say anything and the government will never give us hope that we can go above again because freedom means they don't have power and power is everything."
Silence stretches between them and Changmin sits there stupefied, not even knowing how to react. How long has Yunho been feeling like this? How had he not been able to see all of this struggling to get out of Yunho's mind?
"I wish you knew," Yunho mumbles, letting out a tired sigh, "just nevermind, Changmin. Forget it, okay? I don't know, maybe I am-"
Changmin reaches out to put his hand over Yunho's mouth. He waits for a bit before moving forward to hug his boyfriend of ten years and lover of six, slowly breathing out, his heart pounding hard enough that Yunho can feel it against his skin. "I believe you," Changmin whispers in Yunho's ear, "but just don't do anything stupid, okay? If you're going to do something stupid because I know you always do, tell me and bring me with you. Please don't leave me behind."
Yunho closes his eyes and wraps his arms tightly around Changmin's body, rocking him gently from side to side. "You smell nice."
"You're changing the subject."
"I know."
Changmin ducks his head a little more to press his forehead against Yunho's shoulder. "You're going to do something stupid, aren't you? You always do something stupid."
"I fell in love with you, didn't I?" Yunho asks softly, skimming his fingertips down the knobs of Changmin's spine.
"Promise me you won't leave me behind. Do it."
"You smell just like me."
Changmin stays over that night to have dinner at Yunho's house. Neither of Yunho's parents comment on their unofficial son-in-law's red-rimmed eyes.
---
For months after their fight that wasn't really a fight, Changmin keeps his distance, both emotionally and physically. But too much love will kill you if you try to keep it locked inside, so when Yunho shows up at his doorstep with tiny wildflowers he picked up along the road to Changmin's house, Changmin doesn't have much choice but to crumble and pray that Yunho doesn't suddenly disappear one day.
He knows that Yunho's going to try and go to the Upperground. The older man's stubborn when his will is set and Changmin can tell that Yunho really believes that the Upperground is safe. How can it be? If nuclear winter is petering out into a nuclear summer, how can it be safe?
Life carries on like it always does. Changmin watches over Yunho with an obsessive kind of paranoia, calling the older man the second Yunho's done work, talking with him until Yunho gets home or meets up with him in the middle of a street somewhere. He hates to be keeping tabs but what is he going to do if Yunho suddenly disappears? They never talk about Yunho leaving, they don't even talk about anything work-related to each other anymore. Changmin regrets not reacting better all those months ago but bringing it up again now might just spur Yunho to leave him sooner.
He's allowed to be selfish, isn't he? If he's already handed Yunho his heart on a silver platter, if it beats every time Yunho turns to him and smiles, isn't Changmin allowed to try and protect it by keeping Yunho close and safe?
---
The day before Yunho leaves Changmin forever, he plans and prepares the mother of all romantic events, so over the top and catering to Changmin's needs that Changmin instantly knows that it's a goodbye.
On a weekend when neither of them have to work, Yunho invites Changmin over to his house so they can head to a nearby park together, a few harsh greens littering the brown and blacks, the closest thing they have to scenery. He's made a picnic for both of them, the foods so extravagant that Changmin knows Yunho must have spent all his savings just to prepare this meal. He smiles through all of it with calm, resigned acceptance, laughing when Yunho makes his dumb little puns, holding on extra tight every time Yunho leans close to kiss him, his heart hurting so bad that Changmin wishes it would just break and be done with it.
That night, after Yunho makes love to him and Changmin's in the middle of trying not to have a panic attack, Yunho sets out what seems like a hundred candles on the bedroom floor, a lopsided, burning heart with Changmin sitting in the center. Just as Changmin starts to cry, Yunho gently tugs him to stand, the both of them dancing a clumsy, playful last waltz, the older man kissing him and kissing him until Changmin's head spins and he's believing in things like magic and seeing myths like fireworks and stars behind his eyelids.
---
Life still carries on as it always does. He hears through the grapevine that a new Pipe guard is hired after another one has killed himself, but Changmin knows that Yunho didn't commit suicide in the traditional sense. He wonders how many other guards have secretly sent themselves to death on the Upperground, heads confused with fatal promises that false hope gives.
It's the end of them. It's the end of life as Changmin knows it and Yunho had lied to him. Everything isn't okay. Nothing's okay.
For a long time, he just tries to forget. Changmin tries to live as an imcomplete whole without his other half, his better half, sleeping in a bed perfect for one but always too empty when he's accustomed to having one more. He doesn't just lose a lover, he loses his best friend, his confidant, his voice of reason, his voice of recklessness, the warmth and happiness that always lent themselves so unfailingly every time he searched them out. Yunho was his everything and Changmin doesn't think that will ever change. He goes through the stages of grief in endless cycles until one day, he wakes up with dry eyes and nothing but apathy in his heart, skipping out on work in order to go far into the city limits, the long, metal pipes extending down from the sky of soil visible from almost a mile away.
There's no security here. Old wives tales speak of curses and no one really wants to be near the Pipes that always bring death. Changmin strolls into the compound with no problems, hunting around until he finds the most elderly looking Pipe guard, ear pressed to cool metal, something akin to peace in his expression.
"Excuse me," Changmin says quietly, waiting until an uninterested gaze is settled on him. "I'm-"
"Took you long enough to come, Shim Changmin," the man interrupts. "How long did you want him to wait for you?"
Changmin's heart cramps again, a dying gasp that he resents so much right now, wishing he had never let Yunho go in the first place. It was cowardice and it was fear, and he has years of unspoken words he never said to Yunho's face tearing at his heart, so angry at himself right now just like he is every single day. He doesn't appreciate a stranger trying to talk down at him right now.
"I-"
"Walk to the walls of the city limits and look around until you see loose dirt. Have a good trip."
Changmin fumes silently for another few minutes before stalking away, progressively growing more afraid than angry as he nears the walls of compact soil that mark the city limits. He sucks in a deep breath and walks along the edge until he finds a door-sized block of soil that seems darker than the rest, his heart pounding in his throat as he digs it away, the doors of an old-fashioned elevator eventually coming into sight.
Why doesn't the government ever come here?
Because they're content to be cowards and never know, Yunho's voice laughs in his head. Come on, Changmin-ah. I miss you.
Changmin squares his jaw and steps inside. He closes the doors behind himself, the hinges clearly well-oiled, only a single button inside that he presses four times before the old elevator begins to move. He doesn't know what it's powered by, doesn't understand how there could be power in the city limits, his mind trying to seize onto any distracting thought possible as he feels his breaths becoming shorter, his head getting lighter and lighter, the change in atmosphere too much to take.
After what seems like an eternity, the elevator stops. Changmin looks around dizzily, not understanding, falling forward to push open the doors, gasping hard for breath as his vision blurs and his feet trip together. Changmin lies still and gasps for a while before pushing himself to his feet again, crying quietly because he feels so alone, scared to the point of shaking, no Yunho to make it better.
"Yunho...Yunho..." Changmin whimpers, choking on the name, slowly climbing the incline of soil that this neverending cave is taking him on. He eventually has to hold his breath as he gets up high and reaches an end, eyes widening a little to see two slabs of metal that look like doors. Changmin's chest struggles, fire in his lungs as he pushes with the little strength he has left. He pushes and pushes with shaking arms, the need for air impossible, his muscles shaking and his arms and legs weakening, only able to give one last push before his arms fall back to his sides.
But it's all he needs. The doors give way and burst open, Changmin's breath knocked out of his chest as brilliant, blinding blue fills his senses. Eyes wide and heart tripping over itself in hard, furious beats, Changmin stumbles out of the tunnel and into flowers and grass and weeds that go up to his waist, his jagged movements like a dance as his pupils dilate uncontrollably, sunshine and color and life overloading all his senses.
In the field of flowers, Changmin sees Yunho. His best friend, his only lover, his better half, lying in the grass, a peaceful smile on his face as he sleeps.
Changmin smiles too. He tries to breathe and then stops when he realizes his diaphragm won't overcome its respiratory arrest from this oxygen overdose, and that's fine. Changmin feels warm, summer wind gently floating him down next to Yunho's body, smiling wider when he feels sunshine burn into his skin.
I love you, Yunho seems to say, and you see? I told you, didn't I?
Changmin feels his eyes closing, his body so warm and safe, Yunho's face the last thing he sees. He wants to sleep now. The greens and reds and purples and yellows are too warm, the ceiling of blue too promising. Slowly, Changmin lets himself fade away, his fingers gently curled into Yunho's palm, his heart finally at peace.
Yunho was right.
Everything is okay.
---
:x i have exams. :xxxx i also apologize if you hated this...i have exams. :x...8D?