a world in motion (2/2)
---
Jongin isn’t the most experienced with dating but he has the infinite power of google and a credit card on his side, so he doesn’t feel too out of his element. Stubbornly holding a small bucket of fried chicken against his hip, Jongin taps his foot as he waits in the kitchen, rolling his eyes once Sehun finally emerges from the hallway.
“What?” Sehun asks, clearly bewildered as to why Jongin is texting him from inside the house, “are you seriously avoiding Junmyeon-hyung this badly?”
“Maybe I just don’t want you around,” Jongin fires back, dropping a box of ice cream on the counter. “That’s all for you, cotton candy wonderland, the whole box. Don’t say I never did anything for you.”
“That’s your favorite fla--”
“Don’t come back until you’ve finished the whole box,” Jongin interrupts, walking past an extremely incredulous Sehun. “Just watch a movie or something.”
He hikes the chicken farther up his hip and goes to find Junmyeon, ignoring Sehun’s what the fuck? and the sound of his relieved, happy laughter.
---
“What happened?” Junmyeon asks when the door opens again, almost falling off the bed when he turns and sees Jongin standing there instead of Sehun like he expected. He stares, wide-eyed, dread and nerves making their way down his spine. “…Jongin? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Jongin says, quiet and obviously just as nervous. His eyes don’t land on Junmyeon’s face for more than a couple seconds at a time but he does seem determined to stay, shutting the door behind him.
Slowly, Junmyeon sits up and makes some space on the bed, patting the space beside him.
“So…” Jongin says, clearing his throat a few times, fingers drumming nervously on his bucket of chicken. “I brought chicken.”
Junmyeon huffs silent laughter. “I can see that.”
“You- you said you’d treat me to chicken next time, and you never did,” Jongin says with no serious accusation whatsoever. It’s the easiest way to broach that night and it’s not like he has the nerve to say it more outright.
“You’re right,” Junmyeon replies, softly, a small smile on his face. Jongin couldn’t look at him and now he can’t look away, just so relieved to be close to Junmyeon again. “I’m very sorry for that night, Jongin-ah.”
“Why?”
Junmyeon finally looks at him and his eyes are so sad. “I wasn’t a very good hyung or friend to you.”
“What do you mean?” Jongin hugs his chicken bucket to his stomach.
“I mean…I shouldn’t have… I- I just didn’t have my head on straight and--”
“Hyung,” Jongin interrupts, not wanting to make Junmyeon lie right to his face under pressure, “I brought this chicken as payment.”
Junmyeon stares at him again, taken aback. “For what?”
“M-my waist hurts,” Jongin says, cursing the stammer, “I was hoping you could help me massage it a bit.”
“Uh…” Junmyeon is the very definition of bewildered right now. He feels like he’s in a tv drama but he’s the only one who doesn’t have the script. “Yeah, Jongin-ah, of course. You don’t have to give me anything for that.”
He gets off the bed so Jongin can lie down on his stomach, a noise of alarm dying in his throat when Jongin pulls off his clothes in a single motion. He doesn’t seem to think anything of it either because he just makes himself comfortable in Junmyeon’s bed, shooting him an expectant look when Junmyeon obviously just stands there and gapes.
“Lower waist,” Jongin says, turning his face to hide it in his arms.
There’s a long pause before Junmyeon climbs back into bed again. Jongin has to contain a sigh of relief-he’s not the best with plans so this is rough, he knows it’s rough, but it was all he could think of. He knew that no matter what, Junmyeon would never turn him away if he said he was in pain.
Junmyeon carefully settles his weight on the backs of Jongin’s thighs, effectively straddling him. This all seems to have escalated very quickly. Still reeling, he spreads his hands open on the long stretch of skin before him, his thumbs pointed towards Jongin’s bony spine at his waist.
“You’ve lost weight again,” he says before he can help it, eying each knob of his spine and the dips in between. Junmyeon shakes his head, leaning his weight forward to press down. “This okay?”
He used to do this for Jongin a long, long, long time ago. He’s walked into the practice room more times than he can count to find Jongin and Taemin asleep on the floor, apparently because they passed out from exhaustion from practicing late. Jongin’s body grew faster than he could be comfortable with and he’s sustained too many minor and those lingering major injuries to ever not be in some sort of pain. Junmyeon liked that he was the one Jongin would come to, even though he knew nothing of kneading muscle knots out back then.
Of course, in the years since, he’s looked up a lot on massaging out muscle pains. Not just for Jongin, of course, he’d offer to help out any of his members, but he does have to admit that Jongin’s the only one who asks.
“Jongin-ah, tell me if it hurts too much,” Junmyeon says gently, reminded of an easier, happier time.
Jongin opens his mouth to say something but clamps it shut again, face burning. He nods instead, trying not to hold his breath, but he’s just so terrified he’ll make some sort of embarrassing noise.
Junmyeon’s unfairly good at this. His hands aren’t the biggest but they’re strong and sure, thumbs pressing in all the right places before working the tightness out in wide circles. Jongin shudders against his will when Junmyeon’s hands settle around his hips, tilting them forward into the bed. He’s so sure that the hairs on his nape must be standing on end so he prays to god Junmyeon doesn’t notice.
It feels so good. Jongin sips shallow air in the small space he’s created for himself to breathe, forehead resting on his forearms. Keep it together, this isn’t the first time he’s done this for you, it’s just been a while, you can do this, it was your idea in the first place, you can--
Jongin hears himself make a strangled sound, caught between a moan and a whimper when Junmyeon runs his hands up his back, thumbs trailing parallel up his spine. He bites his lip hard, mortified by the gasp that escapes him when Junmyeon’s knuckles start kneading his shoulders.
“Relax, Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon urges, not realizing what’s happening at all, “you’ve always carried too much tension in your shoulders. Just bear with it.”
“Hyung--” Jongin chokes out, face flaming even as his body turns to putty in Junmyeon’s hands. This is so bad, so bad. He’s really fantasized about this too much for this to be a good idea. Damn it, he really didn’t think this through. “I just, I really…” Jongin trails off, burying his face in Junmyeon’s pillow, breathing his scent in. Another not brilliant idea.
“Hm?” Junmyeon asks, leaning over Jongin’s naked back to get closer. “I didn’t hear you.”
He’s so close to Jongin at this point that there’s no way this could look innocent to anyone walking in. But Junmyeon also has to admit: this isn’t exactly innocent, not judging by how much he’s enjoying it, especially not with the way he keeps running his fingers over Jongin’s smooth, tanned skin. It’s absolutely beautiful-Junmyeon wants to taste it with his tongue. He would, if this was another life, if they were other people; he would’ve a long time ago.
“Hyung…” Jongin says weakly, voice muffled by the pillow, “please don’t hate me.”
Junmyeon is alarmed by that request, taking his hands off of Jongin’s body so he can get off of him. “What do you mean by that, Jongin-ah?” he asks, kneeling on the floor beside the bed, threading his fingers into Jongin’s hair. “Hey, look at me?”
It takes a bit but Jongin does as he’s asked. He’s always been pretty obedient, even if he doesn’t project that kind of image.
“What are you talking about?” Junmyeon whispers, worried by Jongin’s miserable expression, “I could never hate you for anything, Jongin-ah.”
“Then why haven’t you talked to me these last few weeks?” Jongin asks, hurt obvious in his voice. “Ever since you said you- you loved me, you’ve been so upset, I know you’re really tired, so if I did something--”
“That’s not it!” Junmyeon interrupts. He’s terrified by how quickly all of this is unraveling despite all the effort he’s put into trying to hold it together. “I do love you, so much! That’s why--”
“Then maybe you don’t love me the same way,” Jongin says, a stubborn determination on his face. Junmyeon’s breath catches, voice stuck in his throat. “Exo matters the world to me, too,” Jongin whispers, “you’re not the only one scared of not knowing. But we never knew even back then, hyung, and you said you’d always be there to hold me up, so I believed you and look at how far we’ve come!” He has to avert his eyes now, too shy, fingers gripping onto the sheets. “You matter the world to me, too,” he mumbles, cheeks turning bright red, “I’m sorry I can’t express myself very well, or at all. B-but I do really care about you, and if I’m only a dongsaeng to you, I’ll take it, but if you feel even a little bit like I do, then please, please--”
Something in Junmyeon winds so tight that it completely snaps. He feels it let go, just fall to pieces that easily, and for the first time in what seems like a lifetime, he takes a deep breath and it feels good. He feels light.
He shouldn’t have made Jongin say all that. He’s the older one, he’s the leader, he’s the one that needs to be brave.
“Get up,” Junmyeon says, the words commanding and completely calm. Jongin looks at him in half fright and half embarrassment, somehow willing strength into his limbs to push himself up. He keeps his head ducked, sitting there on Junmyeon’s bed, tensing up once Junmyeon climbs back onto the bed with him, crowding his space.
“Hyung--” he mumbles, wondering again why he’s always shirtless in these sorts of situations.
“Look at me,” Junmyeon says, gentle but very firm.
Not that he doesn’t try, but, “…I can’t.”
Junmyeon laughs quietly and presses closer until Jongin’s shoulder is pressed to Junmyeon’s chest and they’re hip to hip and thigh to thigh. Jongin swallows and hears his throat click when Junmyeon’s arm wraps around his shoulders.
“You have to look at me or I can’t kiss you,” Junmyeon whispers in his ear, in that voice of his he rarely ever uses, the one that makes the insides of Jongin’s thighs tense up.
It’s not like it’s his first kiss. It’s not like he doesn’t know how to kiss.
But it’s different because it’s Junmyeon, and Jongin doesn’t know how not to act 16 again, he doesn’t want to embarrass himself because this is something that matters. With singing and dance, all he needed was determination and focus and the time, so he focused and put in the time and he’s growing stronger every day. But he’s wanted Junmyeon for the better half of a decade now and he’s never been able to move beyond this feeling, this absolute helplessness-
“Kim Jongin,” Junmyeon says, tightening his arm around Jongin’s shoulders, pulling him closer.
Jongin takes one breath, two breaths, three deep breaths, and turns, convinced he’ll meet Junmyeon halfway and salvage some of his pride, but Junmyeon is a lot closer than he thought. He makes no sound as Junmyeon’s mouth presses against his, a closed-mouth kiss that makes him want to crumple into bed, firm but so soft.
Oh, well, Jongin thinks helplessly, eyes fluttering closed. What does he need pride for, anyway? He has Junmyeon now, finally, and a laugh bubbles up Jongin’s throat, not quite making it because he’s afraid he’ll cry if he lets his emotions loose.
Once Junmyeon pulls back, Jongin lets out the long breath he was holding, face flaming again. Definitely dazed, he feels some gratification when he opens his eyes to see how pink Junmyeon’s cheeks are, too.
Junmyeon opens his mouth, a brief consideration in verbalizing how he feels, but decides against it. Nothing he’s ever said to Jongin has ever helped their situation and words are cheap anyway.
Instead, he leans in before Jongin has time to think anything else, wrapping his arm around Jongin’s thin waist to press their chests together. He kisses the way he means it this time, lips parted, tongue coaxing, face tilted to the side, because yes, he loves Jongin that way, and he won’t have Jongin believing anything else anymore.
Jongin doesn’t bother swallowing his moan, the heat of Junmyeon’s tongue sparking shocks down his spine. He’s kissed his share of girls but no one’s ever kissed him like this before; he can’t imagine what Junmyeon’s thought of him all this time, because it’s just so good. “Hyung--” he gasps, the word pressed right into Junmyeon’s mouth. Jongin fists one hand into the back of Junmyeon’s sweater and grips Junmyeon’s shoulder with the other, arching helplessly when Junmyeon slides his tongue in deeper, slower, kissing Jongin like he wants to drink him in gulps.
If Jongin could, he would pour himself down Junmyeon’s throat. He would do anything at this point, head spinning, breaths hot and stifling between them, his skin prickling with excitement. Junmyeon isn’t letting him breathe, kissing him before Jongin can get in any more than a half breath. He has no complaints; he doesn’t want to breathe, he just wants this wet heat, the push of Junmyeon’s tongue against his own, the way Junmyeon grips him tighter with each noise he makes.
Ignoring the ache in his jaw, Jongin ducks more, tilting sideways, fingers pulling incessantly at the back of Junmyeon’s neck. He wants Junmyeon to melt into him and stay there so he never has to stop feeling this good. Junmyeon slows them down but he doesn’t let up, cupping Jongin’s jaw to open his mouth wider, kissing Jongin so deeply it makes Jongin’s toes curl.
Fingers thread back into his hair and Jongin whines, tingles snaking down his back. Junmyeon bites gently onto his lower lip and tugs, giving him a look so dark, so full of want that Jongin actually makes a noise. He’s the one that closes the distance between them this time, desperate for it, sucking on Junmyeon’s lip, wanting more of his mouth. “More,” Jongin breathes, only half aware he says it.
Junmyeon can barely contain himself when he hears the request, giving Jongin’s hair a rough tug before he’s scraping his nails down Jongin’s bare back. It elicits him a great shiver and a shaking moan, and Junmyeon takes the opportunity to claim his mouth again, the wet, suckling sounds of their kissing noisy and lewd in his room.
“Hyun…nng!” Jongin moans, lightheaded, head falling back as Junmyeon pushes him forward. He pants noisily as Junmyeon kisses down his throat, wetly making his way back up the side of his neck. Jongin lets his head loll, fingers so twisted in Junmyeon’s sweater he’s sure he’s stretched it beyond another wear. “Junmyeon-hyung…”
“Mm?” Junmyeon hums in question, the vibration of it against Jongin’s skin tickling his lips. He sucks as hard as he dares to on a small patch of skin right behind Jongin’s ear, just short of leaving a hickey.
Jongin’s breath hiccups so Junmyeon does it again, leaving a regretful bite there once he sees the skin reddening. He doesn’t want to think about the kind of shit they’d get into if he actually left a hickey. Instead, Junmyeon moves his lips to Jongin’s ear, pressing a kiss there while he runs his hands up and down Jongin’s back.
“What is it?” he asks again, nibbling on Jongin’s earlobe. He splays his fingers out on Jongin’s back and points them downward, a hot drag of skin on skin that makes Jongin arch into him again, his fingertips ending at the edge of Jongin’s jeans. “Do you want to take a break?”
Jongin’s reaction is lightning quick, gripping the front of Junmyeon’s sweater to keep him close before Junmyeon could really even lean away. “Can I- is it okay if I sleep here tonight?” he asks, proud he managed to say it despite the breathiness of his voice. He tilts his head back to the side, arching his neck more into Junmyeon’s mouth, a silent request for Junmyeon to continue. “I don’t want to leave, if that’s okay?”
Junmyeon smiles to himself, kissing Jongin’s ear again before swirling his tongue inside, the heat of it making Jongin moan again. “You’ll have to ask Sehunnie, I’m afraid,” he whispers, teasing just a little. Of course Jongin can stay with him tonight. As if he could really part from him now. “Are you sure you should, though? I’m really not a good person, Jongin-ah.”
Jongin reluctantly pulls back from him, eyes hooded with lust, bright with eagerness. “That’s okay,” he mumbles, only capable of staring at Junmyeon’s mouth, “I’m not either.”
That look of hunger has been on Junmyeon’s face this whole time. Jongin doesn’t want to see it go because he knows all of that wanting is just for him. He has no idea how Junmyeon’s hidden it so well all these years but he imagines Sehun has been a sympathetic ear through the hardest times, though the thought of Sehun knowing about Junmyeon’s feelings so intimately makes him incredibly jealous. He thinks Junmyeon should always look at him like this when they’re together because it’s so different from that amiable, innocent, babyfaced looked he gives everyone else, and yeah he is a babyface, and yeah he is sweet, but he’s also a lot more than that. Jongin is selfish; he wants to keep all of what others don’t know about Junmyeon to himself because then they can’t have it.
Junmyeon smiles at Jongin’s pouty expression, unable to imagine what Jongin could possibly be thinking about right now. “I’m sorry for hurting you so much, Jongin-ah,” he whispers, pressing their foreheads together. “Forgive this hyung for being a coward for so many years.”
“It’s not like I did anything to help,” Jongin immediately defends, “I could’ve been the one to tell you first that I love you.” He snaps his mouth shut right after, cheeks burning.
Junmyeon doesn’t laugh or tease or even flinch. He just smiles, so soft that Jongin wants to wrap himself in it like a giant, fuzzy sweater. Junmyeon’s fingers brush along Jongin’s jaw before he draws him in again. Junmyeon kisses deeply, always like he means it; he’s waited so long for this that he never wants Jongin to think he isn’t sure that this is what he wants.
---
Sehun cracks his bedroom door open, braced for the very worst. Instead, he finds Suho propped up by a couple pillows in bed, sleepily reading a book, fingers mindlessly working through Jongin’s hair. He raises an eyebrow at the peaceful look of contentment on Jongin’s face as he sleeps, nestled into Junmyeon’s side, one leg definitely thrown straight across Junmyeon’s body. He must be heavy but of course Junmyeon wouldn’t move him-Sehun resists the urge to roll his eyes, sliding into the room quietly to gather some things.
“…There’s a bucket of chicken on the floor?” Sehun comments as much as he asks. “What have you guys…” he trails off, realizing he shouldn’t ask questions he doesn’t want to know the answers to.
“Sorry for banishing you for so long,” Junmyeon says with a quiet laugh, “we finally talked things out I guess.” His cheeks turn pink and Sehun smiles, feeling so gleefully happy for his hyung. “Thank you, Sehun-ah. For listening and being my friend, through all of this, I know it’s been mindnumbingly stupid for a long time--”
“You’re right about that!”
“-so I just want you to know how much I appreciate you. I lov--”
“Oh, ugh, I’m going to throw up,” Sehun laughs, eyes bright with mirth and happiness. He’s so happy he can’t help but tease Junmyeon for this; if anyone deserves this kind of peace and joy, it’s his Junmyeon-hyung. As privileged as he may be, he’s also humble and kind, such a good person, always thinking of others, always so generous. He’s always been there for Sehun, even when Sehun’s never said anything out loud. “Love you too, hyung. Now I’m going to go sleep in someone else’s room before I choke on all the candy bonbons and rainbows in here.”
He shoots Junmyeon another smug, teasing grin, winking for good measure as he takes his exit. He got a whole box of ice cream and his friends’ happiness out of today. Today has been a good day.
---
Junmyeon sighs as he melts into his seat in the van, exhausted and feeling a little under the weather. He doesn’t put in his music though, feeling better immediately once Jongin steps on and wordlessly drops into the seat next to him.
Things are still new between them but they’ve also known each other too long to still have reservations. Junmyeon drops his head onto Jongin’s shoulder and closes his eyes, pulling a blanket over their laps to share so they can hold hands for a while. While managers and coordis have commented on their newfound closeness, they also think that they’re just better friends and that’s better for group dynamics anyway, so no one’s thought it strange.
“I found a note in my jeans pocket this morning,” Junmyeon whispers, smile playing on his lips.
“Oh?” Jongin asks, looking elsewhere.
“It said, ‘don’t forget, you’re the best ♥!’ You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”
Jongin puffs out his cheeks, determined to keep his silence. It was a really good idea from Yunho-hyung but he doesn’t want Junmyeon to know that!
Junmyeon laughs quietly and lets his heart feel too big for his chest, reveling in the feeling of being adored so much. Being in love is such an exquisite, unique thing, it’s so absolute. He squeezes Jongin’s hand tighter, their fingers laced, wanting that to be good enough…but decides against it.
Maybe there will be a day when Junmyeon will have to answer hard questions and make hard decisions. But it’s like Jongin said-he doesn’t know about the future, no one does, so he’d rather have what he’s always wanted and have Jongin help him hold up all the weight if that day ever comes.
He’s kept quiet about this for too long already.
“Hey Jongin-ah,” he whispers, because it’s important that he puts it into words, “I love you, did you know that?”
“That’s not very diplomatic or impartial of you to say, leader-sshi,” Jongin whispers back, hoping no one is looking at him or else he’ll have to field questions about why his face is so red. He reaches into his bag to pull out a thermos of honey lemon tea he made himself, holding it out to Junmyeon without explanation.
“Well, dearest dongsaeng, I suppose that’s because I’m not very diplomatic or impartial when it comes to you.”
Jongin’s grateful that Junmyeon doesn’t tease him about the dumb, silly, lovesick smile that lights up his entire face.
---
UHHHHH i have no idea what i'm doing. :)
you know when it's 3am and you're still writing about kpop idols and everything seems like a good idea?
i'm just face first in a lot of sukai feels.
but i can tell you i am a piece of sukai trash, SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS OTP HELL
title and lyrics taken from Tove Styrke's "White Light Moment"; go listen!
yes, let's all ship sukai together 8D
thank you for reading this far :)