what happens with you
what happens with you
suho/kai
pg-13
junmyeon is a cuddle monster with everyone and jongin realizes the only way to stop it is to volunteer himself as tribute.
---
Watching clips of himself on TV or the internet is not Jongin’s favorite pastime by any means, but lately, he can’t quite help himself. While it’s embarrassing to see himself being Kai and it’s easy for him to pick apart all the things he’s done wrong, it’s more important to him-and perhaps on the masochistic side of things-to see what it looks like when he and Junmyeon interact.
He is well aware of the fact that Junmyeon’s been finding him bewildering. No one else squirms out from their leader’s touches, much less visibly shrugs him off in what looks like irritation to even Jongin himself, though that has never been his intention.
The truth is: Jongin struggles with the fact that Junmyeon is a cuddle monster. He’s tactile by nature and everyone in the entire universe seems to love him, so it’s okay, they want to cuddle Junmyeon back, they love to pinch his cheeks and snuggle him and love on him. Junmyeon is always happy about it too because he thrives on that; Jongin can see it in the way his eyes curve when his affection is reciprocated, but especially in the way his expression freezes when Jongin doesn’t.
A cuddle monster is a nice thing to have around but not when it’s Junmyeon and not when it’s around Jongin.
Because for someone so tactile, all of that affection isn’t special; Junmyeon doesn’t discern, and that means Jongin isn’t special, either.
And because Jongin gets jealous easily and can’t say it since he has no right to get jealous about something, someone, that isn’t even his.
And because…well, Jongin is helplessly in love with him, and the only thing that hurts more than when Junmyeon is far away is when Junmyeon is so close.
---
Jongin wasn’t always in love with Junmyeon. Something as serious as that takes time, and if he were to be honest, in the beginning, he didn’t even find Junmyeon very cool. It was admirable that he trained for as long as he did and he was always a perfectly nice hyung to Jongin, even babied him beyond what was necessary, but there was nothing about him that really stuck out as a trainee. Jongin has always had big dreams; stand on a stage and hear a million cheers of his name, turn on the tv and see himself dancing, so much to do with his life with the entire world just waiting for him to arrive.
There’s no belittling Junmyeon’s drive or dedication either, that’s not what Jongin means; he only means Junmyeon seemed to take it slow, he was always so patient and never lost his temper about anything. He was a pillar in SM by virtue of being there for so long and everyone adored him, absolutely everyone.
It took Jongin a bit to see why, that’s all. It took Jongin a bit to warm up to him, as it does with anyone, and then Junmyeon babied him so much and scolded him only when necessary with that look on his face that always said, I’m not pleased but I also feel bad about scolding you, so please don’t feel too bad, Jongin-ah!
So Jongin never did feel very badly back then, because it was obvious even to him who Junmyeon chose as a favorite.
In the dictionary, Kim Junmyeon’s picture would be beside the word “pushover.”
Anyway, Jongin’s not even sure how he got on this train of thought. It happens sometimes when he’s lying awake in bed, so beyond exhausted that he’s too wired on adrenaline to sleep.
He thinks a lot about the consequences of being in love with Junmyeon; his hyung, his leader, his honest to god family at this point, and because of it, he thinks a lot about how he got here in the first place.
What’s that thing they say? You fall in love slowly, and then all at once? Because Jongin thinks it’s true; one day, he was fond of his Junmyeon-hyung, he wanted to spend even his free time with him, and then he blinked and couldn’t see anyone else but him.
There’s too much kindness all in one place. It’s the way Junmyeon will let others talk over him because he thinks it’s better to take a step back in order to let his friends shine brighter. It’s the way Junmyeon never flaunts his money or even talks about it but will always wordlessly hand over his credit card if one of them so much as points to food they want to eat. It’s the way Junmyeon will buy snacks for all of them and let them at it, then not take one himself just so someone else can have an extra. It’s the way Junmyeon sits with Jongin in his room sometimes, holding his hand in silence, because while he can’t do anything about the fact that Jongin is in pain and he’s too young to shoulder so many burdens, he can at least still be there to carry some of the weight in spirit, and Jongin doesn’t have the kind of words adequate enough to explain what that means to him.
There’s too much kindness all in one place, and it’s all wasted on him. Jongin should hug him back, he should reach out for Junmyeon’s hand first once in a while, he should at the very least treat his hyung to some damn chicken, but every step forward in that direction seems like an impossible chasm to try and leap.
That’s why he pulls away-what else can he do to hide it, what else can he do so that Junmyeon doesn’t find out? God forbid, what if he can’t control himself and slips up when they’re in public or on camera and Junmyeon finds out along with the rest of the country?
Jongin feels himself shake with stress just from thinking about it. He turns onto his side and curls up, wishing he could be nicer, then wishing he wasn’t in love with Junmyeon at all so he wouldn’t want to be so nice in the first place.
---
Of course being rejected hurts. Junmyeon isn’t impervious to it just because Sehun will nervously try to comfort him in the privacy of their room at the end of the day, and he can’t just pretend like he doesn’t care even if Jongdae is sensitive enough to do aegyo for him a little more than usual just to cheer him up. They all know that Jongin is special to him, perhaps not in the most acceptable of ways either, but it doesn’t really matter anymore because Jongin has made things perfectly clear: he’s just not interested.
Whatever it is that Junmyeon is offering, Jongin is not interested. He’s not rude about it though, especially in private. Sometimes Jongin still gives him hugs in private and they talk as they always do.
Junmyeon is simply aware enough to know when Jongin is holding back; he’s known him for too long to not know him inside and out. He’s been there through the worst of the awkward years, he’s watched Jongin grow-there’s nothing that will make him love Jongin any less, even if Jongin never returns his feelings the same way.
Besides, most of life is about dealing with what happens when things don’t go exactly your way. That’s what growing up is.
So Junmyeon swallows his hurt, ignores the burn in his chest, tamps down the ache in his belly, and settles down for the long haul. He’s nothing if not patient. He’s had to learn to wait for everything, including waiting just to not get the things he wants.
But that’s okay, he’s an optimist, and if everyone around him can be happy, then Junmyeon’s kind of got the things he wants anyway.
---
That isn’t all true, because in the darkness of night, when Junmyeon’s thoughts are the loudest and there’s nothing to distract him from them, it isn’t Exo that he ceaselessly thinks about.
---
The hours in a day seem to drag, but the days seem to fly by. There are unbelievable highs that go hand in hand with crushing lows. They cope in their own ways and some of them don’t cope at all, but that’s what being human is. The hours they love, the hours they cry, the hours they share for every emotion in between-Junmyeon cherishes them because they are so fleeting, and he learns again and again how important it is to love someone thoroughly. Goodbyes always come sooner than they’re welcome.
He likes to think he’s doing a half decent job at all of this despite all the mistakes he still makes. He likes to think that as they change and relearn one another, they’re always changing for the better.
He likes to think that he and Jongin are better these days, because as the seasons passed them by, as awards started to arrive and pile up, Jongin found stability in others around him, and Junmyeon could finally throw an arm around his shoulders again and not have him flinch away.
It isn’t the same but maybe that’s a good thing-if things always stayed the same, it would also mean that they never grew.
---
Jongin is relieved that Junmyeon doesn’t try to hug him or touch him so much in public anymore. It’s a lot easier on him to carry on being Kai, because Kai is too cool to be smitten with his dorky hyung, and Kai doesn’t stay awake at night, dreaming of grand confessions and kissing under the covers.
In private, their interactions have lessened as well, but Jongin just chalks that up to getting older. He’s 20 already-there just isn’t that much cuddling to be done at this age.
That’s why Junmyeon doesn’t try it anymore with him.
Right?
---
“That’s strange, isn’t it?” Jongin says, craning his neck so far out he’s almost falling over. He was only half-invested in the game he was kicking Kyungsoo’s ass in anyway, butt parked uncomfortably on the floor, but now he’s totally distracted by the scene he’s discovered in the kitchen.
Sehun lazily rolls from one end of the sofa to the other, attention shifting from game spectator to hyung spectator. “What? Jongdae-hyung or Junmyeon-hyung?”
“Both,” Jongin says, puzzled. “Since when does Jongdae-hyung wear Junmyeon-hyung’s shirts?”
Sehun and Kyungsoo exchange a very surprised, very serious look. “Uh,” Sehun eventually answers, “I guess for a while now?”
Jongin looks at him, startled. “I thought Junmyeon-hyung doesn’t really like sharing his clothes.”
“Uh…” Sehun says again, scratching the back of his head, “I guess he and Jongdae-hyung have gotten pretty close? I don’t know, it’s not new or anything.”
Kyungsoo glares at Sehun immediately and Jongin doesn’t quite understand that, but he does realize that all three of them are frowning now.
“Am I…missing something here?” Jongin asks slowly, putting the game controller down.
“You’re always missing something,” Kyungsoo shoots back, “what made you even notice today, anyway?”
“I don’t know.” Jongin seems genuinely puzzled. “I guess I just like that shirt on Junm-I mean, I just like that shirt a lot, so I noticed it. And I don’t know, Jongdae-hyung’s practically smothering Junmyeon-hyung to the table, so that’s kind of hard to not notice…”
Kyungsoo gives him a very level look, like he’s observing a scientific sample doing funny things in a petri dish. “Is it hard not to notice…” he notes.
“…Was that a question…?”
“Oookay,” Sehun interrupts, standing to stretch, “I’m going to save Junmyeon-hyung from Jongdae-hyung’s weight, and then I’m going to be cute at him until he buys me something to eat. Anyone else want in?”
“Yah, don’t do that,” Jongin starts to admonish, but Kyungsoo just hits him on the arm.
“You don’t get to say anything,” Kyungsoo says sternly, “you get away with it more than the rest of us combined, so don’t even start.”
Sehun smirks at him and saunters away, and Jongin can’t stop watching or frowning. That Oh Sehun, he doesn’t help anything-he just drapes himself over the rest of Junmyeon, and now Junmyeon’s really getting crushed to the table with two cute dongsaengs hanging all over him. He’s laughing though, he seems so happy to be hugged like that, and Jongin really is startled now because it feels like he hasn’t looked at Junmyeon properly in a really long time.
“If you’re done being in love and staring, can we get back to the game?” Kyungsoo asks.
Jongin whips around to stare at him, heart pounding on his eardrums, but Kyungsoo’s expression is still and unreadable.
He was probably just teasing. He couldn’t know-how could anyone?
Jongin takes a quiet breath to steady himself, though his concentration’s been shot. It’s true that he hasn’t been paying Junmyeon much attention in the past year, but that was all intentional. If staring at the sun burns, the obvious solution is of course to turn away. He even feels better about most things because he can deal with his feelings a lot better now.
Jongin loses the next round in a spectacularly fiery death, saying nothing even when Kyungsoo teases him about it.
Probably. He’s probably dealing better with it now.
---
To: Taemin
Dude
Be straight with me
Do you think I’m oblivious?
To: Jongin
Dude
If you have to ask that…
To: Taemin
Can I ask you something about Junmyeon-hyung?
To: Jongin
I don’t think he has a girlfriend or anything?
Go for it! \(രᴗര๑)/ *₊˚⁎
To: Taemin
Oh my god
No, you loser!!!
I mean…do you guys hug and stuff?
To: Jongin
…Yeah?
Dude that’s such a weird question
You know Junmyeon-hyung hugs like…everyone, right?
He’s a cuddle monster hahahaha
I thought you were his favorite to smother anyway??? (♡´౪`♡) ❤❤
To: Jongin
Jongin-aaaaaahhhh!
You okay? Did you get my last text?
To: Jongin
Well you don’t need to be jealous!!
To: Jongin
No seriously dude, he hugs everyone
Just quit worrying
Are you gonna come to dinner this Friday by the way??
---
Jongin does not go to dinner. He doesn’t reply to Taemin’s texts for a good day either, earning himself a barrage of unimpressed emoticon spam that sets off his phone’s notification alarms throughout the night.
Has he really managed to miss so much? He was so intent on digging his heels in and not getting dragged into the sea of confusion he felt for Junmyeon that the world seems to have passed him by while he wasn’t looking.
Junmyeon seems to have passed him by while he wasn’t looking.
Does he have a secret girlfriend?
Junmyeon used to tell him all the private details of his life, a closeness formed through years of shared suffering and days on end spent at each other’s side.
Does he have someone he loves?
Junmyeon used to whisper to him late at night that he’s never been in love before, he really wants to know what it’s like, but the last time Jongin heard those words was already years ago. Is it selfish if he wishes them to still be true now, just so he can pretend Junmyeon will never leave him?
Does Junmyeon have someone he wants to be with more than anything else in the world? Because if so, when did Jongin miss the sign up date for that position? He’s qualified for it, he’s sure of it, he’d do so well, if only Junmyeon knew to look in his direction.
For about a week, Jongin talks to no one outside of necessity. When he thinks no one is paying him any attention, he’ll watch Junmyeon from afar, blinded by his brightness, overwhelmed by his warmth, even when none of it is aimed in Jongin’s direction. Junmyeon’s clearly worried about him as well but Jongin avoids that talk entirely-he’s certain that if he tried to talk, nothing but love would fall out between his teeth, and that’s not something he can fix.
---
Once upon a time, Jongin was young and naïve enough to think that if Junmyeon learned to leave him alone, then Jongin would learn to stop being in love.
Be careful what you wish for, right?
Jongin glares at his reflection as he practices, overly critical of every movement he makes. He knows he should take a break but he’s mad at himself and this is the only way he can let off steam without anyone asking him questions. Every flick of his wrist, the angle of every step he takes, the curve of his back as he twists-it all has to be perfect, because he can’t help but feel like he’s somehow really, really, really fucked up beyond repair.
Being so prone to paranoia, Jongin really tried to dial it back and assess things from an objective viewpoint. He took a step back and tried watching Junmyeon properly at a distance because he figured it would give him the most perspective, and everything he saw felt like a fresh slap in the face.
In all the time he’s been taking care to not care, Junmyeon’s somehow replaced him in his life.
Alright, that already sounds so overly dramatic. Jongin grits his teeth and goes over the choreography from the top, pulling in irritation at his tshirt, soaked through with sweat and sticking to his back.
Taemin’s texts just confirmed it for him after a couple weeks of observation. Junmyeon really will hug anyone, cuddle anyone, none of that has changed from all those years ago, but he doesn’t ever try it anymore with Jongin.
He’ll still initiate half-hugs, just sling an arm around his shoulders and squeeze, and of course he’ll always return Jongin’s hugs if Jongin hugs him first, but that’s definitely not often because Jongin is Jongin and he’s emotionally constipated. Especially about showing it.
But really, ever since that night when he noticed how close Junmyeon and Jongdae were, Jongin hasn’t been able to stop noticing it. Jongdae gets to wear so many of Junmyeon’s clothes and Junmyeon only compliments him about looking cute.
Junmyeon hugs Kyungsoo so much, coddles him and teases him so much, especially when they’re in the kitchen together; they might as well be a married couple. Mom and supermom, that’s what they should be called.
Junmyeon babies the shit out of Sehun, fixes his hair, buys him bubble tea whenever Sehun thinks too much about the past, literally holds his hand from one day to the next. It’s driving Jongin crazy. Sehun isn’t even like that. He’s cutest because he’s the magnae, not because he’s actually very big on aegyo, but it’s like he plays it up just for Junmyeon because he knows Junmyeon is a big softie for it. How can one person even consume that amount of sugar water and snacks and still be such a bean pole?
Even Chanyeol, even Chanyeol. He’ll hug Junmyeon now and then from behind and tower over him and just lean, completely weigh Junmyeon down, always making Junmyeon laugh about it. Jongin wonders if it isn’t heavy to be on the receiving end of so much love. Isn’t it a lot to carry?
But the thought alone is stupid, mired in jealousy and envy. Of course it isn’t heavy to carry. Junmyeon loves and loves without question or hesitation, he gives it so freely-of course he cherishes the endless cycle of getting it back.
“There you are!”
Jongin ducks his head to hide the snarl on his face, too shaken up to be able to get a handle on himself. He has no idea who would still be around at this time of night; he purposely chose to come here alone without telling anyone, he just wants to be left the fuck alone, he just wants to agonize over everything he doesn’t have by himself.
“Jongin-ah?” the voice asks, getting closer, and Jongin feels his knees lock. Of course. Of course it’s the last person he wants to see in the universe right now.
Through sheer strength of will, Jongin manages a slow descent towards the ground, thighs shaking from effort, back hunching into a protective crouch. He’s exhausted, he can barely stand if he isn’t forcing his body through dance inertia, and it’s all worse because it feels like he’s missing parts of his insides.
“Jongin-ah?” Junmyeon asks again, much more urgent now. There’s no mistaking the shake of Jongin’s body and he’s angry about it-he’s been in this position way too many times before, he’s half-carried Jongin out of this very room way too many times before, but it’s been so long since he’s had to lecture Jongin about behaving this way. It’s been such a long, long time since Jongin’s been this reckless with his own body. He’s only 20 still but he’s hurt himself worth a lifetime; his youth isn’t enough to stand against such merciless training.
Junmyeon’s crouched at Jongin’s side in seconds, hand already smoothing down the length of Jongin’s spine.
“You idiot,” he scolds, face pinched with concern, “how old are you now and you still go around doing this? What’re you even thinking?”
He moves into Jongin’s space to sling Jongin’s arm around his shoulder and help him up, almost falling in surprise when Jongin suddenly leans all his weight on him. Junmyeon staggers before he finds his feet, arms instinctively wrapping Jongin up inside him, holding him steady while marveling at how big Jongin’s gotten.
It’s been so long since he’s properly given Jongin a hug that he can feel how much Jongin has grown. Years ago, Jongin grew out of hugging his hyung, and now, Junmyeon can really feel the literal difference.
A little older, a little colder. Day by day, that’s all that Junmyeon can think about.
“What’s going on, Jongin-ah?” he whispers, distressed and so worried. He loves Jongin so much, more than he could ever allow himself to say, but it’s like Jongin knows it because Jongin seems hellbent on worrying Junmyeon the most. He tightens his grip and really does carry most of Jongin’s weight now, Jongin’s exhaustion practically seeping into him through their clothes.
Jongin squeezes his eyes shut, working his jaw because he’s scared he’ll lose it. It’s so much easier to just hide his face, breathe Junmyeon in, rely on him the way he’s always wanted. He’s never wanted differently.
“Hyung…” he mumbles, hands clenched into fists in the back of Junmyeon’s shirt. “How did you know I was here?”
A long, exasperated sigh greets him immediately. “You weren’t anywhere I looked, so where else would you be if you weren’t here?” Junmyeon rubs his lower back in slow, soothing circles, clearly worried about his waist. “Damn it Jongin-ah, you can’t do this again. You’re going to give me white hair.”
Being a bother has never been Jongin’s intention either, but he can’t help that his heart soars to hear how worried Junmyeon is. “I’m sorry hyung, I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“I know,” Junmyeon relents instantly, “I just can’t help it, you know that, right?”
“No…” Jongin replies, not to be difficult, but because he really wants to know. “Could you tell me? Am I a bother?”
The arms around his waist tighten and Jongin sinks his teeth into the inside of his cheek, willing himself not to quake. It’s been so long, he’s missed so much already, all of this warmth, all of this love. Maybe he really can settle for it, maybe he’ll take it even if it isn’t special or the way he really wants to be loved, but at least Junmyeon is close. He doesn’t want to be the only one who doesn’t get these hugs anymore, he doesn’t want to be missing so much anymore.
Clearly, avoiding the problem has done nothing but magnify the sun at it without him noticing. His heart is on fire.
“I just care about you, idiot,” Junmyeon eventually answers, the words so soft, like he’s confessing some shameful secret. “How did I raise you where you can’t even tell when your hyung has a favorite?”
What? Jongin must be hallucinating. He must be. “You have favorites?”
“Tell anyone and I’ll deny everything and throw out all your paper bags.”
But there’s a smile in that voice, even as it threatens him, and Jongin is so deliriously happy he could just die. How is it even possible that he’s still Junmyeon’s favorite when he’s basically been ignoring him for the past year? How is it even possible for him to have really believed he got over all this when it’s so painfully obvious now that he’s just as in love with Junmyeon as he always has been? If anything, it’s only gotten worse.
There’s a really thin line between elation and distress and Jongin’s walking it a thousand feet in the air with no safety harness. He’s near hysterical with exhaustion and desperation, only still on his feet because Junmyeon’s always been there to carry him, in all the ways he can.
Junmyeon lets out a deep breath, one he feels like he’s been holding for weeks, months, an eternity. “Really, Jongin-ah. Please tell me what’s been going on. You’ve been acting so strange lately.”
“Don’t get mad?” Jongin asks, muffling the words into Junmyeon’s shoulder.
“Of course not.”
“…I’m in love with someone, hyung.”
Junmyeon’s entire world grinds to a deafening halt. The words process just fine one by one in his brain but he can’t accept them, he doesn’t know how. He knew logically, clinically that this day would come sooner rather than later, that Jongin is far too beautiful and full of love to not share it with someone, but the knowledge of this never made it past his brain stem. It’s one thing to know and another to accept, and he’s definitely caught between the two.
Is that why Jongin’s been so distant all these months? He’s been suffering from heartache…Junmyeon knows firsthand how debilitating that can be. Putting on a mask and pretending is Junmyeon’s every single day. Do any of the other members know?
“Is it- do I- do I know her?” he stammers, voice coming from far, far away.
“…Hyung…” Jongin whispers, pressing his eyes hard to Junmyeon’s shoulder, “it’s not a girl.”
Jongin feels more than hears Junmyeon’s chest expand with a deep breath, held in for an eternity of silence.
“And yeah,” he adds weakly, nothing left to lose, “you know him.”
Wow. Okay. Junmyeon closes his eyes and processes, processes, processes. “Okay,” he says, because it is, it’s even better for him that it isn’t a girl, because Junmyeon doesn’t feel so messed up. But then, it’s an infinite times worse, because he’s so jealous he feels like puking.
Jongin has always been his, even if Jongin’s never been his to hold. Junmyeon’s loved him for so long now, he’s been in love from afar for so many years now; it just isn’t fair that someone else could whisk Jongin away so easily without Junmyeon even noticing. He watches over him so constantly-how did this even happen without him realizing?
“O…kay?” Jongin repeats, stunned and scared by Junmyeon’s silence. Why isn’t he saying more? “Don’t you…want to know who it is?”
“No,” Junmyeon answers immediately, making Jongin flinch. He pulls away, unable to hold Jongin any longer without it feeling even worse, crushed by the hurt look on Jongin’s face. “It’s really okay,” he reassures, plenty upset himself. He’s too upset to be comforting but he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he left Jongin looking like that. “I’m just- I get jealous, you know?”
Fuck, he hadn’t meant to say that so directly. Jongin’s looking at him with huge eyes like Junmyeon’s just told him something incredible, but Junmyeon doesn’t know how to interpret it.
His smile feels weird on his own face, clearly twisted. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands so he moves them about, wanting to explain but utterly incapable of it. Eventually, Junmyeon settles them on his hips, ducking his head because he’s at such a loss.
Jongin looks all of 16 in front of him again, slouched forward, hands clasped nervously in front of him. Damn it, damn it. Is this really it? Is this really the last time Junmyeon will have Jongin to himself?
“Is he nice to you?” he asks, forcing himself to unclench his teeth and push the words out.
“He’s the best.” No hesitation. Junmyeon can hear the belief behind those words and he wants to scream.
“Then make sure he takes proper care of you,” he says in a rush, each syllable sharp with anger he hopes Jongin can’t hear. “He can’t be letting you do things like tonight, not with your waist and your back and your knees, Jongin-ah, and you didn’t even eat much tonight at--”
“Hyung!” Jongin interrupts, finally pulling Junmyeon’s downward gaze up at him again. There’s a strange smile on his face, half confused and half happy. “We aren’t together. He- I don’t think he knows.”
What the fuck. Junmyeon is losing to a one-sided love? “What?” he asks, crossing his arms and shifting his weight from one leg to the other. He sounds about as testy as he feels. “Why not?”
“He’s uh…pretty oblivious?”
“Did you try telling him?!”
Jongin smiles helplessly, and he just looks so young, he looks like the bright-eyed, nervous kid Junmyeon fell in love with all those years ago. He is in such complete agony-when did he manage to miss Jongin falling in love?
“Hyung…” Jongin says, shaking his head. He nervously wrings his fingers together in front of him, spine stiff with fear. The smile on his face is shaking terribly; it feels like he could laugh or burst into tears at any moment, and it really could go either way. “I don’t know if he feels the same.”
Junmyeon tries to be gentle; despite how he’s feeling, Jongin is clearly in need of reassurance. “Jongin-ah…you aren’t going to know if you don’t tell him.”
Jongin takes a deep breath, drawing up every last ounce of courage from all the love he’s kept welled inside all these years. “I’m trying to, hyung.”
Every half second of Junmyeon’s silence stabs at him like a thousand fine needles. Jongin stares at the blank look on Junmyeon’s face because he can’t look anywhere else, but he’s actually so scared that he feels like sitting down and crying the way he used to when he was a little kid. That was probably the vaguest way to tell Junmyeon of his feelings possible but Jongin’s never done this before, he doesn’t know the first thing about confessions or how to make someone really love you back, so he did all he could with what little he had.
At least it’s off his chest now. It’s a surprisingly massive burden lifted off his lungs, even if his stomach is now whirling about in his throat.
“I- I’m sorry,” Junmyeon finally says, laughing a bit hysterically. His eyebrows are bunched together and he seems so lost, hand coming up to cover his forehead. “Sorry Jongin-ah, can you just say that again? I think I hallucinated for a second.”
Jongin looks at him nervously, instinctively wrapping his arms around himself. “I…” He swallows but it doesn’t make the rock in his throat go anywhere; it just reminds him of how badly he wants to cry.
Maybe Junmyeon can see it. The silence that Jongin keeps while his eyes brim with tears is louder than anything he could say.
“Is it really me?” Junmyeon whispers, in complete disbelief. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner? I thought you hated me for a while, I just had no idea--”
No. Fuck. That isn’t what he wants to be saying either. Junmyeon covers his face with both hands, hiding for only a second before he slaps some hard sense into himself, cheeks reddening immediately. Jongin’s so brave to have said it all first; he certainly didn’t have to, and Junmyeon could’ve carried on the rest of his life regretting their relationship.
“I guess the only thing I want to ask is…did you really think I would’ve turned you away?”
Jongin visibly startles, taking a step sideways, obviously unsure if he should edge away or not. He tilts his head in question, big, beautiful eyes searching Junmyeon’s face for an answer.
“I’m not mad or weirded out or disappointed, you can stop wondering,” Junmyeon says, exasperated and sure he could lift his arms up and fly straight out of the building. He’s still very confused but there is nothing, nothing that feels quite like validation, that feels like love. The catharsis after all these years could bring him to his knees. He laughs a little, shaking his head; how could they have been so ridiculous all this time?
“Hyung…” Jongin says uncertainly, voice thick. “I don’t understand…”
“It won’t mean anything if I tell you everything now. Come home, I’ll buy you some chicken and we’ll watch a movie together on the couch.” Junmyeon turns and starts for the door, pausing to turn around and stretch out an open hand.
Jongin has no idea what’s happening but he knows that Junmyeon didn’t say no, and he’s not about to pass up an offer to hold Junmyeon’s hand. He stumbles his body forward, all that natural grace gone whenever Junmyeon’s around, grabbing onto Junmyeon’s hand the way he used to when he was 14 and scared of almost everything around him.
He likes to see that Junmyeon’s smiling. Especially when Junmyeon changes his grip so that their fingers can lace together, and Jongin doesn’t even mind that he can feel his face burning.
---
Freshly showered and settled comfortably in sweats and an ugly tshirt, Jongin hugs his container of chicken to his chest, hair still damp and heart still racing. He stared at the wall like a right idiot for nearly five minutes in the shower, so out of sorts that he ended up conditioning his hair before realizing he hadn’t yet shampooed. There’s a lot going on upstairs but Jongin has only reached the conclusion that he’s really in love with Junmyeon, which is nothing new anyway.
There’s a mindless action movie in the dvd player. Jongin waits anxiously for Junmyeon to be done with his shower too, sitting up straight the second he hears the bathroom door click open.
Junmyeon soon appears, wearing his usual pajama pants and simple tshirt, but Jongin’s heart can’t stop clattering around in his ribcage like it’s trying to escape. Even dressed down like this, Junmyeon looks so damn good. Jongin’s been privy to Junmyeon’s nudity enough times in their daily lives that it’s all too easy to imagine what’s going on beneath thin layers of cotton.
“Hyung, movie,” he says, about as articulate as a four year old. Jongin turns red, making another uncertain sound before he gestures to the space beside him for Junmyeon to sit.
It’s probably been over a year since they’ve done this. They watch movies together sometimes but even then, Jongin was never next to Junmyeon. It seemed like a good idea at the time to stay away but at this point, Jongin would go back in time and punch himself in face if he could.
Stretching a bit, Junmyeon flops down onto the sofa beside Jongin, purposely sitting too close to him for it to be normal.
“Are you comfortable?” Jongin asks, flushed with heat all down his right side. Junmyeon is so close.
Junmyeon turns his face to smile at him. “Very comfortable.”
“Um…” Jongin takes a deep breath and tries to find some of that suaveness and detached coolness all their fans seem convinced he possesses. “I’ll start the movie.”
“Mmhmm.”
Well…all things considered, this is shaping up to be very normal. Jongin relaxes a bit a few minutes into the movie, though he feels hot all over from where Junmyeon’s pressed against him. He shouldn’t think it special-he has to be careful, because this sort of closeness is a given for Junmyeon. He hugs everyone like this, especially Jongdae.
Thinking about that takes the wind out of Jongin’s sails a fair bit. Jongdae and Junmyeon have always been good friends, but it’s become obvious lately how much Junmyeon adores him. Jongdae is so lovable, he’s so kind and sweet, such a good dongsaeng too, so Jongin totally understands, but he’s still envious…
“What are you thinking so seriously about?” Junmyeon asks, leaning in while finally snaking his arm around Jongin’s waist.
Jongin flushes. “Um…just…the movie?”
“Really…”
With great effort, Jongin turns to meet Junmyeon’s eyes, heart leaping into his throat when he sees how comfortable and calm Junmyeon looks. How is that even possible? He just told Junmyeon of his feelings a couple hours ago and Jongin’s feeling like he could die at any second, but Junmyeon looks so collected and sure!
“Hyung, I’m just worried about stuff,” Jongin blurts out, voice tight, “I said some pretty weird stuff--”
“Yah, your hair’s still wet,” Junmyeon interrupts, pulling away to stand. Jongin is bewildered and completely thrown now, fingers clenching tighter around his chicken.
Maybe if he stares at the floor long enough, the answers will come? Jongin frowns, pensive and cold now that Junmyeon’s no longer pressed up against him.
Suddenly, without warning, a soft towel lands on his head. Jongin tries to look up but Junmyeon’s hands are already gently towelling his hair off. He could probably melt. He kind of is. Jongin bites hard on his lower lip and is grateful for the towel being there to hide his face, blushing to his heart’s content.
“Thank you, Junmyeon-hyung,” he says gently, heart sinking a little when he feels Junmyeon’s hands slowing down. These things are so small, they pass so fast, but they mean so much to him.
Jongin sighs, lifting his face up as Junmyeon slides the towel over the back of his head. He needs to think of something to say once the towel stops hiding him. He wants to talk about what’s going on between them because Junmyeon’s acting weird, and to be honest, Jongin’s got all his hopes up. Jongin’s head pops out again and he takes a deep breath, but Junmyeon is a lot, lot closer than he expected.
Before he can say anything, Junmyeon is kissing him, hands at his neck, thumbs keeping his face still on either side of his jaw.
“Nnmm…” Jongin mumbles, hands instantly reaching up to grab onto Junmyeon’s shoulders, his favorite chicken completely forgotten and dropped to the floor. Kudos to his dance training for giving him fast physical reflexes because his brain is certainly not doing anything but broadcasting static.
As far as his first kiss with Junmyeon goes, this is pretty fucking fantastic. There were so many variations of this fantasy that Jongin’s catalogued in his mind (most of them a lot more dramatic than this), but this is nothing short of perfect.
Once he finally runs out of breath, Junmyeon pulls back, cheeks a deep pink and lips tingling from their kiss. Jongin’s eyes are still closed and he is just beautiful.
“You know,” Junmyeon says, voice low, still hunched over and staying very close, “I’ve waited to do that about as long as I’ve waited to debut.”
“…What?” Jongin asks, more breath than sound, Junmyeon’s face the only thing in his universe not spiraling out of control.
Junmyeon gently pinches his cheek before sitting back down, gathering Jongin against him, pleased when Jongin melts into the lines of his body like he was always meant to be there. They haven’t done this since Jongin was very young and it was still easy to explain away, but they still fit together so well that it’s like not a day has passed.
Jongin closes his eyes and lets himself rest. He was exhausted in the first place from practicing so hard and these past few weeks of emotional torture haven’t been easy on his sleep schedule.
As much as he wants to kiss Junmyeon again, he’s feeling really shy and jittery still, and it would be so nice to just fall asleep in the spaces of Junmyeon’s body.
“This is where you go now, okay?” Junmyeon whispers, fingers slowly sifting through Jongin’s hair. They tilt horizontal until they’re squished together on the sofa and Jongin hides his face in Junmyeon’s neck. “Even in the morning, Jongin-ah. This is where you’re supposed to be.”
---
Jongin watches his 21st birthday blow by with millions of fans who love him wishing him well, and he spends the entirety of it with his self-declared number one fan that he loves in return.
“Hyung, are you listening?” Jongin demands, just short of whining. He winds his leg tighter around Junmyeon’s calf, wiggling his chin on Junmyeon’s shoulder to tickle him, wanting attention.
“Of course, Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon answers, nothing but fondness, squeezing Jongin a little tighter.
“Well I was saying, Taemin was testing me, right? He really thought I didn’t know his favorite color. I mean, we’ve been friends for how long?”
Junmyeon laughs, playfully rolling his eyes. Jongin’s not paying attention to the movie they have on at all; he’s just slowly suffocating Junmyeon into the sofa, though Junmyeon honestly has zero complaints about it.
“So what did you say?”
“Pffft,” Jongin says derisively, “I told him to find a hobby and not to bother me while I was with my boyfriend.”
He grins from ear to ear the second Junmyeon bursts out laughing, unable to take his eyes off of him. Jongin is perfectly aware of how lovesick he looks right now; the other guys have taken enough paparazzi photos of them in the apartment together to make an entire album, and they’ve definitely shown them to both Junmyeon and Jongin. The thing is, Jongin isn’t embarrassed by it, he isn’t ashamed of it, and he doesn’t want to hide it-he’s happily in lovesick hell, and he basks in all its glorious hellfire.
“You are so cute, what am I going to do with you?” Junmyeon asks, sighing helplessly. He’s grinning though, face tilting up in an obvious request for a kiss.
Of course, Jongin obliges. “Can I ask you a question?” he mumbles, winding his arms a bit together around Junmyeon’s neck. He’s settled half in Junmyeon’s lap and it’s super comfortable, but Jongin still wants to somehow be closer.
“Go for it.”
“How come you like hugging so much? Did you know that people call you a cuddle monster?” Jongin plays with the strand of hair curled behind Junmyeon’s right ear. “I get jealous and stuff, I guess…”
“Well…hugs feel nice, I suppose,” Junmyeon answers, wondering out loud. “I’m not sure, Jongin-ah, I’ve just always liked to be close to people.”
“…But me most, right?”
Junmyeon laughs quietly, tilting his head to rest it against Jongin’s collarbone. “Silly Jonginnie, I’ve always wanted to be with you most.”
“Really, hyung? You want to go down this corny road again?”
Junmyeon smiles to himself and closes his eyes, letting Jongin tease him. It’s still surreal to him that he’s lucky enough to have this, even months into their relationship. They have their squabbles like all couples do and they get tired and impatient and annoyed because they’re young and hotheaded and in love, but that’s the part that matters: it’s great the way it is, because they’re together. Junmyeon is grateful every day that Jongin had the courage to say something to him because Junmyeon is a coward and he would’ve kept all his feelings hidden under some pretense of altruism or responsibility.
Jongin is dazzled by him for whatever reason, Junmyeon isn’t going to dissuade him from feeling that way, but Jongin is the one that’s really amazing. Junmyeon thinks he is just amazing, spectacular, wonderful in every way.
“Hyung?” Jongin asks gently, breaking into his thoughts.
“Hm?”
“We’re going to Japan soon, right?”
“Mmhmm.” Junmyeon absentmindedly strokes the skin of Jongin’s hip, really enjoying how tightly Jongin is hugging him. “Anything wrong?”
“No…I was just wondering if maybe we could kind of…start over in Japan?”
Junmyeon tilts his face up again to look at him, a small pout of confusion on his face. “Start over?”
“Mm, yeah,” Jongin answers, cheeks red, “you know, show all the fans there that I like to do skinship with you too. A-actually, I like doing skinship with you more than anyone else!”
Junmyeon’s smile is so bright that Jongin has to look away. “You mean hug me on stage and stuff?”
“And stuff,” Jongin agrees.
“You can do that here in Korea too, Jongin-ah!”
“Hyung, I will!” Jongin presses a big, wet, noisy kiss to Junmyeon’s cheek on the spot, a great big smack that leaves tingles sizzling all over Junmyeon’s skin. “How else are you going to satisfy all that hugging neediness you have? Honestly hyung, consider the people around you, not everyone can handle being so happy…”
Junmyeon laughs and laughs and keeps Jongin right where he is; he’s never going to let go.
---
“Where’s Jonginnie?” Kyungsoo asks, stirring the giant batch of jjigae he’s almost finished.
Sehun leans dangerously in his chair to poke his head out from the kitchen. “All over Junmyeon-hyung on the sofa.”
“Again?”
“Yup.” Sehun flips through another page of his fashion magazine. “He’s probably not going to get up again now that he’s there so can I have his portion of jjigae?”
Kyungsoo considers this. “Do you want this jjigae more than you don’t want Junmyeon-hyung to lecture you later?”
Jongdae laughs as he walks into the kitchen, having caught the last half of their conversation. “Isn’t it nice though? They’ve finally stopped moping around each other.”
“Entire civilizations have been built and felled in the time it took for them to get together,” Sehun complains, “I must at least be halfway through the next phase of human evolution.”
“Then maybe you’ll join the rest of us soon.”
“Hey--!!”
“I’m glad it all worked out,” Jongdae says, ignoring his bickering friends. “Honestly, it was getting a bit ridiculous with how much we were hugging Junmyeon-hyung just to get Jonginnie to notice. Hyung probably would’ve started to think that we were the ones in love with him if we had kept going!”
“That Kim Jongin,” Sehun says, sighing while shaking his head.
“Yeah,” Jongdae says softly, taking a step back so he can sneak a peek at his friends again.
He wonders if people even know what real, unthinking contentment looks like on Jongin’s face, because it isn’t the mask he wears for awards, and it isn’t the stoic coolness he shows for the fans. It’s this, him sitting too far against Junmyeon’s side for it to be for any good reason other than it being what he wants, an unthinking, easy smile that’s barely there on his face, watching TV with his head tilted and tucked into the curve of Junmyeon’s neck.
Jongin says something that makes Junmyeon laugh and Jongdae finds himself smiling wider than ever, his heart light. He watches Jongin squeeze him and tease him until he distinctly sees Junmyeon saying I love you, and then Jongdae turns away to give them privacy. Even if he didn’t recognize the way those words look in someone’s mouth, even if he couldn’t hear, it’s written all over Junmyeon’s face the way it has been since the day Jongdae met him.
He’s so glad his friends are happy. Maybe this is a sign that they’re all growing u-
“Actually, if Junmyeon-hyung isn’t going to be coming over either, can I have his share too?”
Jongdae snickers and settles in next to Sehun at the kitchen table, happy to listen to Jongin and Junmyeon talking and laughing together from the other room.
---
oh my GOD this did not go the way i wanted it to D:
this WAS supposed to just be a gross cuddly fluff fic, idk what happened
i swear i'll stop writing shitty get-together bandfic （ ＴДＴ）
just been staring too much at my fave sukai moments
UGH LOOK AT THEM
SO CUDDLY
SO MUCH SHIP
liafjPOI;Wewr
let's all continue making the world sukai beautified ( ˘ ³˘)❤
thanks as always for reading! ♥
suho/kai
pg-13
junmyeon is a cuddle monster with everyone and jongin realizes the only way to stop it is to volunteer himself as tribute.
---
Watching clips of himself on TV or the internet is not Jongin’s favorite pastime by any means, but lately, he can’t quite help himself. While it’s embarrassing to see himself being Kai and it’s easy for him to pick apart all the things he’s done wrong, it’s more important to him-and perhaps on the masochistic side of things-to see what it looks like when he and Junmyeon interact.
He is well aware of the fact that Junmyeon’s been finding him bewildering. No one else squirms out from their leader’s touches, much less visibly shrugs him off in what looks like irritation to even Jongin himself, though that has never been his intention.
The truth is: Jongin struggles with the fact that Junmyeon is a cuddle monster. He’s tactile by nature and everyone in the entire universe seems to love him, so it’s okay, they want to cuddle Junmyeon back, they love to pinch his cheeks and snuggle him and love on him. Junmyeon is always happy about it too because he thrives on that; Jongin can see it in the way his eyes curve when his affection is reciprocated, but especially in the way his expression freezes when Jongin doesn’t.
A cuddle monster is a nice thing to have around but not when it’s Junmyeon and not when it’s around Jongin.
Because for someone so tactile, all of that affection isn’t special; Junmyeon doesn’t discern, and that means Jongin isn’t special, either.
And because Jongin gets jealous easily and can’t say it since he has no right to get jealous about something, someone, that isn’t even his.
And because…well, Jongin is helplessly in love with him, and the only thing that hurts more than when Junmyeon is far away is when Junmyeon is so close.
---
Jongin wasn’t always in love with Junmyeon. Something as serious as that takes time, and if he were to be honest, in the beginning, he didn’t even find Junmyeon very cool. It was admirable that he trained for as long as he did and he was always a perfectly nice hyung to Jongin, even babied him beyond what was necessary, but there was nothing about him that really stuck out as a trainee. Jongin has always had big dreams; stand on a stage and hear a million cheers of his name, turn on the tv and see himself dancing, so much to do with his life with the entire world just waiting for him to arrive.
There’s no belittling Junmyeon’s drive or dedication either, that’s not what Jongin means; he only means Junmyeon seemed to take it slow, he was always so patient and never lost his temper about anything. He was a pillar in SM by virtue of being there for so long and everyone adored him, absolutely everyone.
It took Jongin a bit to see why, that’s all. It took Jongin a bit to warm up to him, as it does with anyone, and then Junmyeon babied him so much and scolded him only when necessary with that look on his face that always said, I’m not pleased but I also feel bad about scolding you, so please don’t feel too bad, Jongin-ah!
So Jongin never did feel very badly back then, because it was obvious even to him who Junmyeon chose as a favorite.
In the dictionary, Kim Junmyeon’s picture would be beside the word “pushover.”
Anyway, Jongin’s not even sure how he got on this train of thought. It happens sometimes when he’s lying awake in bed, so beyond exhausted that he’s too wired on adrenaline to sleep.
He thinks a lot about the consequences of being in love with Junmyeon; his hyung, his leader, his honest to god family at this point, and because of it, he thinks a lot about how he got here in the first place.
What’s that thing they say? You fall in love slowly, and then all at once? Because Jongin thinks it’s true; one day, he was fond of his Junmyeon-hyung, he wanted to spend even his free time with him, and then he blinked and couldn’t see anyone else but him.
There’s too much kindness all in one place. It’s the way Junmyeon will let others talk over him because he thinks it’s better to take a step back in order to let his friends shine brighter. It’s the way Junmyeon never flaunts his money or even talks about it but will always wordlessly hand over his credit card if one of them so much as points to food they want to eat. It’s the way Junmyeon will buy snacks for all of them and let them at it, then not take one himself just so someone else can have an extra. It’s the way Junmyeon sits with Jongin in his room sometimes, holding his hand in silence, because while he can’t do anything about the fact that Jongin is in pain and he’s too young to shoulder so many burdens, he can at least still be there to carry some of the weight in spirit, and Jongin doesn’t have the kind of words adequate enough to explain what that means to him.
There’s too much kindness all in one place, and it’s all wasted on him. Jongin should hug him back, he should reach out for Junmyeon’s hand first once in a while, he should at the very least treat his hyung to some damn chicken, but every step forward in that direction seems like an impossible chasm to try and leap.
That’s why he pulls away-what else can he do to hide it, what else can he do so that Junmyeon doesn’t find out? God forbid, what if he can’t control himself and slips up when they’re in public or on camera and Junmyeon finds out along with the rest of the country?
Jongin feels himself shake with stress just from thinking about it. He turns onto his side and curls up, wishing he could be nicer, then wishing he wasn’t in love with Junmyeon at all so he wouldn’t want to be so nice in the first place.
---
Of course being rejected hurts. Junmyeon isn’t impervious to it just because Sehun will nervously try to comfort him in the privacy of their room at the end of the day, and he can’t just pretend like he doesn’t care even if Jongdae is sensitive enough to do aegyo for him a little more than usual just to cheer him up. They all know that Jongin is special to him, perhaps not in the most acceptable of ways either, but it doesn’t really matter anymore because Jongin has made things perfectly clear: he’s just not interested.
Whatever it is that Junmyeon is offering, Jongin is not interested. He’s not rude about it though, especially in private. Sometimes Jongin still gives him hugs in private and they talk as they always do.
Junmyeon is simply aware enough to know when Jongin is holding back; he’s known him for too long to not know him inside and out. He’s been there through the worst of the awkward years, he’s watched Jongin grow-there’s nothing that will make him love Jongin any less, even if Jongin never returns his feelings the same way.
Besides, most of life is about dealing with what happens when things don’t go exactly your way. That’s what growing up is.
So Junmyeon swallows his hurt, ignores the burn in his chest, tamps down the ache in his belly, and settles down for the long haul. He’s nothing if not patient. He’s had to learn to wait for everything, including waiting just to not get the things he wants.
But that’s okay, he’s an optimist, and if everyone around him can be happy, then Junmyeon’s kind of got the things he wants anyway.
---
That isn’t all true, because in the darkness of night, when Junmyeon’s thoughts are the loudest and there’s nothing to distract him from them, it isn’t Exo that he ceaselessly thinks about.
---
The hours in a day seem to drag, but the days seem to fly by. There are unbelievable highs that go hand in hand with crushing lows. They cope in their own ways and some of them don’t cope at all, but that’s what being human is. The hours they love, the hours they cry, the hours they share for every emotion in between-Junmyeon cherishes them because they are so fleeting, and he learns again and again how important it is to love someone thoroughly. Goodbyes always come sooner than they’re welcome.
He likes to think he’s doing a half decent job at all of this despite all the mistakes he still makes. He likes to think that as they change and relearn one another, they’re always changing for the better.
He likes to think that he and Jongin are better these days, because as the seasons passed them by, as awards started to arrive and pile up, Jongin found stability in others around him, and Junmyeon could finally throw an arm around his shoulders again and not have him flinch away.
It isn’t the same but maybe that’s a good thing-if things always stayed the same, it would also mean that they never grew.
---
Jongin is relieved that Junmyeon doesn’t try to hug him or touch him so much in public anymore. It’s a lot easier on him to carry on being Kai, because Kai is too cool to be smitten with his dorky hyung, and Kai doesn’t stay awake at night, dreaming of grand confessions and kissing under the covers.
In private, their interactions have lessened as well, but Jongin just chalks that up to getting older. He’s 20 already-there just isn’t that much cuddling to be done at this age.
That’s why Junmyeon doesn’t try it anymore with him.
Right?
---
“That’s strange, isn’t it?” Jongin says, craning his neck so far out he’s almost falling over. He was only half-invested in the game he was kicking Kyungsoo’s ass in anyway, butt parked uncomfortably on the floor, but now he’s totally distracted by the scene he’s discovered in the kitchen.
Sehun lazily rolls from one end of the sofa to the other, attention shifting from game spectator to hyung spectator. “What? Jongdae-hyung or Junmyeon-hyung?”
“Both,” Jongin says, puzzled. “Since when does Jongdae-hyung wear Junmyeon-hyung’s shirts?”
Sehun and Kyungsoo exchange a very surprised, very serious look. “Uh,” Sehun eventually answers, “I guess for a while now?”
Jongin looks at him, startled. “I thought Junmyeon-hyung doesn’t really like sharing his clothes.”
“Uh…” Sehun says again, scratching the back of his head, “I guess he and Jongdae-hyung have gotten pretty close? I don’t know, it’s not new or anything.”
Kyungsoo glares at Sehun immediately and Jongin doesn’t quite understand that, but he does realize that all three of them are frowning now.
“Am I…missing something here?” Jongin asks slowly, putting the game controller down.
“You’re always missing something,” Kyungsoo shoots back, “what made you even notice today, anyway?”
“I don’t know.” Jongin seems genuinely puzzled. “I guess I just like that shirt on Junm-I mean, I just like that shirt a lot, so I noticed it. And I don’t know, Jongdae-hyung’s practically smothering Junmyeon-hyung to the table, so that’s kind of hard to not notice…”
Kyungsoo gives him a very level look, like he’s observing a scientific sample doing funny things in a petri dish. “Is it hard not to notice…” he notes.
“…Was that a question…?”
“Oookay,” Sehun interrupts, standing to stretch, “I’m going to save Junmyeon-hyung from Jongdae-hyung’s weight, and then I’m going to be cute at him until he buys me something to eat. Anyone else want in?”
“Yah, don’t do that,” Jongin starts to admonish, but Kyungsoo just hits him on the arm.
“You don’t get to say anything,” Kyungsoo says sternly, “you get away with it more than the rest of us combined, so don’t even start.”
Sehun smirks at him and saunters away, and Jongin can’t stop watching or frowning. That Oh Sehun, he doesn’t help anything-he just drapes himself over the rest of Junmyeon, and now Junmyeon’s really getting crushed to the table with two cute dongsaengs hanging all over him. He’s laughing though, he seems so happy to be hugged like that, and Jongin really is startled now because it feels like he hasn’t looked at Junmyeon properly in a really long time.
“If you’re done being in love and staring, can we get back to the game?” Kyungsoo asks.
Jongin whips around to stare at him, heart pounding on his eardrums, but Kyungsoo’s expression is still and unreadable.
He was probably just teasing. He couldn’t know-how could anyone?
Jongin takes a quiet breath to steady himself, though his concentration’s been shot. It’s true that he hasn’t been paying Junmyeon much attention in the past year, but that was all intentional. If staring at the sun burns, the obvious solution is of course to turn away. He even feels better about most things because he can deal with his feelings a lot better now.
Jongin loses the next round in a spectacularly fiery death, saying nothing even when Kyungsoo teases him about it.
Probably. He’s probably dealing better with it now.
---
To: Taemin
Dude
Be straight with me
Do you think I’m oblivious?
To: Jongin
Dude
If you have to ask that…
To: Taemin
Can I ask you something about Junmyeon-hyung?
To: Jongin
I don’t think he has a girlfriend or anything?
Go for it! \(രᴗര๑)/ *₊˚⁎
To: Taemin
Oh my god
No, you loser!!!
I mean…do you guys hug and stuff?
To: Jongin
…Yeah?
Dude that’s such a weird question
You know Junmyeon-hyung hugs like…everyone, right?
He’s a cuddle monster hahahaha
I thought you were his favorite to smother anyway??? (♡´౪`♡) ❤❤
To: Jongin
Jongin-aaaaaahhhh!
You okay? Did you get my last text?
To: Jongin
Well you don’t need to be jealous!!
To: Jongin
No seriously dude, he hugs everyone
Just quit worrying
Are you gonna come to dinner this Friday by the way??
---
Jongin does not go to dinner. He doesn’t reply to Taemin’s texts for a good day either, earning himself a barrage of unimpressed emoticon spam that sets off his phone’s notification alarms throughout the night.
Has he really managed to miss so much? He was so intent on digging his heels in and not getting dragged into the sea of confusion he felt for Junmyeon that the world seems to have passed him by while he wasn’t looking.
Junmyeon seems to have passed him by while he wasn’t looking.
Does he have a secret girlfriend?
Junmyeon used to tell him all the private details of his life, a closeness formed through years of shared suffering and days on end spent at each other’s side.
Does he have someone he loves?
Junmyeon used to whisper to him late at night that he’s never been in love before, he really wants to know what it’s like, but the last time Jongin heard those words was already years ago. Is it selfish if he wishes them to still be true now, just so he can pretend Junmyeon will never leave him?
Does Junmyeon have someone he wants to be with more than anything else in the world? Because if so, when did Jongin miss the sign up date for that position? He’s qualified for it, he’s sure of it, he’d do so well, if only Junmyeon knew to look in his direction.
For about a week, Jongin talks to no one outside of necessity. When he thinks no one is paying him any attention, he’ll watch Junmyeon from afar, blinded by his brightness, overwhelmed by his warmth, even when none of it is aimed in Jongin’s direction. Junmyeon’s clearly worried about him as well but Jongin avoids that talk entirely-he’s certain that if he tried to talk, nothing but love would fall out between his teeth, and that’s not something he can fix.
---
Once upon a time, Jongin was young and naïve enough to think that if Junmyeon learned to leave him alone, then Jongin would learn to stop being in love.
Be careful what you wish for, right?
Jongin glares at his reflection as he practices, overly critical of every movement he makes. He knows he should take a break but he’s mad at himself and this is the only way he can let off steam without anyone asking him questions. Every flick of his wrist, the angle of every step he takes, the curve of his back as he twists-it all has to be perfect, because he can’t help but feel like he’s somehow really, really, really fucked up beyond repair.
Being so prone to paranoia, Jongin really tried to dial it back and assess things from an objective viewpoint. He took a step back and tried watching Junmyeon properly at a distance because he figured it would give him the most perspective, and everything he saw felt like a fresh slap in the face.
In all the time he’s been taking care to not care, Junmyeon’s somehow replaced him in his life.
Alright, that already sounds so overly dramatic. Jongin grits his teeth and goes over the choreography from the top, pulling in irritation at his tshirt, soaked through with sweat and sticking to his back.
Taemin’s texts just confirmed it for him after a couple weeks of observation. Junmyeon really will hug anyone, cuddle anyone, none of that has changed from all those years ago, but he doesn’t ever try it anymore with Jongin.
He’ll still initiate half-hugs, just sling an arm around his shoulders and squeeze, and of course he’ll always return Jongin’s hugs if Jongin hugs him first, but that’s definitely not often because Jongin is Jongin and he’s emotionally constipated. Especially about showing it.
But really, ever since that night when he noticed how close Junmyeon and Jongdae were, Jongin hasn’t been able to stop noticing it. Jongdae gets to wear so many of Junmyeon’s clothes and Junmyeon only compliments him about looking cute.
Junmyeon hugs Kyungsoo so much, coddles him and teases him so much, especially when they’re in the kitchen together; they might as well be a married couple. Mom and supermom, that’s what they should be called.
Junmyeon babies the shit out of Sehun, fixes his hair, buys him bubble tea whenever Sehun thinks too much about the past, literally holds his hand from one day to the next. It’s driving Jongin crazy. Sehun isn’t even like that. He’s cutest because he’s the magnae, not because he’s actually very big on aegyo, but it’s like he plays it up just for Junmyeon because he knows Junmyeon is a big softie for it. How can one person even consume that amount of sugar water and snacks and still be such a bean pole?
Even Chanyeol, even Chanyeol. He’ll hug Junmyeon now and then from behind and tower over him and just lean, completely weigh Junmyeon down, always making Junmyeon laugh about it. Jongin wonders if it isn’t heavy to be on the receiving end of so much love. Isn’t it a lot to carry?
But the thought alone is stupid, mired in jealousy and envy. Of course it isn’t heavy to carry. Junmyeon loves and loves without question or hesitation, he gives it so freely-of course he cherishes the endless cycle of getting it back.
“There you are!”
Jongin ducks his head to hide the snarl on his face, too shaken up to be able to get a handle on himself. He has no idea who would still be around at this time of night; he purposely chose to come here alone without telling anyone, he just wants to be left the fuck alone, he just wants to agonize over everything he doesn’t have by himself.
“Jongin-ah?” the voice asks, getting closer, and Jongin feels his knees lock. Of course. Of course it’s the last person he wants to see in the universe right now.
Through sheer strength of will, Jongin manages a slow descent towards the ground, thighs shaking from effort, back hunching into a protective crouch. He’s exhausted, he can barely stand if he isn’t forcing his body through dance inertia, and it’s all worse because it feels like he’s missing parts of his insides.
“Jongin-ah?” Junmyeon asks again, much more urgent now. There’s no mistaking the shake of Jongin’s body and he’s angry about it-he’s been in this position way too many times before, he’s half-carried Jongin out of this very room way too many times before, but it’s been so long since he’s had to lecture Jongin about behaving this way. It’s been such a long, long time since Jongin’s been this reckless with his own body. He’s only 20 still but he’s hurt himself worth a lifetime; his youth isn’t enough to stand against such merciless training.
Junmyeon’s crouched at Jongin’s side in seconds, hand already smoothing down the length of Jongin’s spine.
“You idiot,” he scolds, face pinched with concern, “how old are you now and you still go around doing this? What’re you even thinking?”
He moves into Jongin’s space to sling Jongin’s arm around his shoulder and help him up, almost falling in surprise when Jongin suddenly leans all his weight on him. Junmyeon staggers before he finds his feet, arms instinctively wrapping Jongin up inside him, holding him steady while marveling at how big Jongin’s gotten.
It’s been so long since he’s properly given Jongin a hug that he can feel how much Jongin has grown. Years ago, Jongin grew out of hugging his hyung, and now, Junmyeon can really feel the literal difference.
A little older, a little colder. Day by day, that’s all that Junmyeon can think about.
“What’s going on, Jongin-ah?” he whispers, distressed and so worried. He loves Jongin so much, more than he could ever allow himself to say, but it’s like Jongin knows it because Jongin seems hellbent on worrying Junmyeon the most. He tightens his grip and really does carry most of Jongin’s weight now, Jongin’s exhaustion practically seeping into him through their clothes.
Jongin squeezes his eyes shut, working his jaw because he’s scared he’ll lose it. It’s so much easier to just hide his face, breathe Junmyeon in, rely on him the way he’s always wanted. He’s never wanted differently.
“Hyung…” he mumbles, hands clenched into fists in the back of Junmyeon’s shirt. “How did you know I was here?”
A long, exasperated sigh greets him immediately. “You weren’t anywhere I looked, so where else would you be if you weren’t here?” Junmyeon rubs his lower back in slow, soothing circles, clearly worried about his waist. “Damn it Jongin-ah, you can’t do this again. You’re going to give me white hair.”
Being a bother has never been Jongin’s intention either, but he can’t help that his heart soars to hear how worried Junmyeon is. “I’m sorry hyung, I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“I know,” Junmyeon relents instantly, “I just can’t help it, you know that, right?”
“No…” Jongin replies, not to be difficult, but because he really wants to know. “Could you tell me? Am I a bother?”
The arms around his waist tighten and Jongin sinks his teeth into the inside of his cheek, willing himself not to quake. It’s been so long, he’s missed so much already, all of this warmth, all of this love. Maybe he really can settle for it, maybe he’ll take it even if it isn’t special or the way he really wants to be loved, but at least Junmyeon is close. He doesn’t want to be the only one who doesn’t get these hugs anymore, he doesn’t want to be missing so much anymore.
Clearly, avoiding the problem has done nothing but magnify the sun at it without him noticing. His heart is on fire.
“I just care about you, idiot,” Junmyeon eventually answers, the words so soft, like he’s confessing some shameful secret. “How did I raise you where you can’t even tell when your hyung has a favorite?”
What? Jongin must be hallucinating. He must be. “You have favorites?”
“Tell anyone and I’ll deny everything and throw out all your paper bags.”
But there’s a smile in that voice, even as it threatens him, and Jongin is so deliriously happy he could just die. How is it even possible that he’s still Junmyeon’s favorite when he’s basically been ignoring him for the past year? How is it even possible for him to have really believed he got over all this when it’s so painfully obvious now that he’s just as in love with Junmyeon as he always has been? If anything, it’s only gotten worse.
There’s a really thin line between elation and distress and Jongin’s walking it a thousand feet in the air with no safety harness. He’s near hysterical with exhaustion and desperation, only still on his feet because Junmyeon’s always been there to carry him, in all the ways he can.
Junmyeon lets out a deep breath, one he feels like he’s been holding for weeks, months, an eternity. “Really, Jongin-ah. Please tell me what’s been going on. You’ve been acting so strange lately.”
“Don’t get mad?” Jongin asks, muffling the words into Junmyeon’s shoulder.
“Of course not.”
“…I’m in love with someone, hyung.”
Junmyeon’s entire world grinds to a deafening halt. The words process just fine one by one in his brain but he can’t accept them, he doesn’t know how. He knew logically, clinically that this day would come sooner rather than later, that Jongin is far too beautiful and full of love to not share it with someone, but the knowledge of this never made it past his brain stem. It’s one thing to know and another to accept, and he’s definitely caught between the two.
Is that why Jongin’s been so distant all these months? He’s been suffering from heartache…Junmyeon knows firsthand how debilitating that can be. Putting on a mask and pretending is Junmyeon’s every single day. Do any of the other members know?
“Is it- do I- do I know her?” he stammers, voice coming from far, far away.
“…Hyung…” Jongin whispers, pressing his eyes hard to Junmyeon’s shoulder, “it’s not a girl.”
Jongin feels more than hears Junmyeon’s chest expand with a deep breath, held in for an eternity of silence.
“And yeah,” he adds weakly, nothing left to lose, “you know him.”
Wow. Okay. Junmyeon closes his eyes and processes, processes, processes. “Okay,” he says, because it is, it’s even better for him that it isn’t a girl, because Junmyeon doesn’t feel so messed up. But then, it’s an infinite times worse, because he’s so jealous he feels like puking.
Jongin has always been his, even if Jongin’s never been his to hold. Junmyeon’s loved him for so long now, he’s been in love from afar for so many years now; it just isn’t fair that someone else could whisk Jongin away so easily without Junmyeon even noticing. He watches over him so constantly-how did this even happen without him realizing?
“O…kay?” Jongin repeats, stunned and scared by Junmyeon’s silence. Why isn’t he saying more? “Don’t you…want to know who it is?”
“No,” Junmyeon answers immediately, making Jongin flinch. He pulls away, unable to hold Jongin any longer without it feeling even worse, crushed by the hurt look on Jongin’s face. “It’s really okay,” he reassures, plenty upset himself. He’s too upset to be comforting but he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he left Jongin looking like that. “I’m just- I get jealous, you know?”
Fuck, he hadn’t meant to say that so directly. Jongin’s looking at him with huge eyes like Junmyeon’s just told him something incredible, but Junmyeon doesn’t know how to interpret it.
His smile feels weird on his own face, clearly twisted. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands so he moves them about, wanting to explain but utterly incapable of it. Eventually, Junmyeon settles them on his hips, ducking his head because he’s at such a loss.
Jongin looks all of 16 in front of him again, slouched forward, hands clasped nervously in front of him. Damn it, damn it. Is this really it? Is this really the last time Junmyeon will have Jongin to himself?
“Is he nice to you?” he asks, forcing himself to unclench his teeth and push the words out.
“He’s the best.” No hesitation. Junmyeon can hear the belief behind those words and he wants to scream.
“Then make sure he takes proper care of you,” he says in a rush, each syllable sharp with anger he hopes Jongin can’t hear. “He can’t be letting you do things like tonight, not with your waist and your back and your knees, Jongin-ah, and you didn’t even eat much tonight at--”
“Hyung!” Jongin interrupts, finally pulling Junmyeon’s downward gaze up at him again. There’s a strange smile on his face, half confused and half happy. “We aren’t together. He- I don’t think he knows.”
What the fuck. Junmyeon is losing to a one-sided love? “What?” he asks, crossing his arms and shifting his weight from one leg to the other. He sounds about as testy as he feels. “Why not?”
“He’s uh…pretty oblivious?”
“Did you try telling him?!”
Jongin smiles helplessly, and he just looks so young, he looks like the bright-eyed, nervous kid Junmyeon fell in love with all those years ago. He is in such complete agony-when did he manage to miss Jongin falling in love?
“Hyung…” Jongin says, shaking his head. He nervously wrings his fingers together in front of him, spine stiff with fear. The smile on his face is shaking terribly; it feels like he could laugh or burst into tears at any moment, and it really could go either way. “I don’t know if he feels the same.”
Junmyeon tries to be gentle; despite how he’s feeling, Jongin is clearly in need of reassurance. “Jongin-ah…you aren’t going to know if you don’t tell him.”
Jongin takes a deep breath, drawing up every last ounce of courage from all the love he’s kept welled inside all these years. “I’m trying to, hyung.”
Every half second of Junmyeon’s silence stabs at him like a thousand fine needles. Jongin stares at the blank look on Junmyeon’s face because he can’t look anywhere else, but he’s actually so scared that he feels like sitting down and crying the way he used to when he was a little kid. That was probably the vaguest way to tell Junmyeon of his feelings possible but Jongin’s never done this before, he doesn’t know the first thing about confessions or how to make someone really love you back, so he did all he could with what little he had.
At least it’s off his chest now. It’s a surprisingly massive burden lifted off his lungs, even if his stomach is now whirling about in his throat.
“I- I’m sorry,” Junmyeon finally says, laughing a bit hysterically. His eyebrows are bunched together and he seems so lost, hand coming up to cover his forehead. “Sorry Jongin-ah, can you just say that again? I think I hallucinated for a second.”
Jongin looks at him nervously, instinctively wrapping his arms around himself. “I…” He swallows but it doesn’t make the rock in his throat go anywhere; it just reminds him of how badly he wants to cry.
Maybe Junmyeon can see it. The silence that Jongin keeps while his eyes brim with tears is louder than anything he could say.
“Is it really me?” Junmyeon whispers, in complete disbelief. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner? I thought you hated me for a while, I just had no idea--”
No. Fuck. That isn’t what he wants to be saying either. Junmyeon covers his face with both hands, hiding for only a second before he slaps some hard sense into himself, cheeks reddening immediately. Jongin’s so brave to have said it all first; he certainly didn’t have to, and Junmyeon could’ve carried on the rest of his life regretting their relationship.
“I guess the only thing I want to ask is…did you really think I would’ve turned you away?”
Jongin visibly startles, taking a step sideways, obviously unsure if he should edge away or not. He tilts his head in question, big, beautiful eyes searching Junmyeon’s face for an answer.
“I’m not mad or weirded out or disappointed, you can stop wondering,” Junmyeon says, exasperated and sure he could lift his arms up and fly straight out of the building. He’s still very confused but there is nothing, nothing that feels quite like validation, that feels like love. The catharsis after all these years could bring him to his knees. He laughs a little, shaking his head; how could they have been so ridiculous all this time?
“Hyung…” Jongin says uncertainly, voice thick. “I don’t understand…”
“It won’t mean anything if I tell you everything now. Come home, I’ll buy you some chicken and we’ll watch a movie together on the couch.” Junmyeon turns and starts for the door, pausing to turn around and stretch out an open hand.
Jongin has no idea what’s happening but he knows that Junmyeon didn’t say no, and he’s not about to pass up an offer to hold Junmyeon’s hand. He stumbles his body forward, all that natural grace gone whenever Junmyeon’s around, grabbing onto Junmyeon’s hand the way he used to when he was 14 and scared of almost everything around him.
He likes to see that Junmyeon’s smiling. Especially when Junmyeon changes his grip so that their fingers can lace together, and Jongin doesn’t even mind that he can feel his face burning.
---
Freshly showered and settled comfortably in sweats and an ugly tshirt, Jongin hugs his container of chicken to his chest, hair still damp and heart still racing. He stared at the wall like a right idiot for nearly five minutes in the shower, so out of sorts that he ended up conditioning his hair before realizing he hadn’t yet shampooed. There’s a lot going on upstairs but Jongin has only reached the conclusion that he’s really in love with Junmyeon, which is nothing new anyway.
There’s a mindless action movie in the dvd player. Jongin waits anxiously for Junmyeon to be done with his shower too, sitting up straight the second he hears the bathroom door click open.
Junmyeon soon appears, wearing his usual pajama pants and simple tshirt, but Jongin’s heart can’t stop clattering around in his ribcage like it’s trying to escape. Even dressed down like this, Junmyeon looks so damn good. Jongin’s been privy to Junmyeon’s nudity enough times in their daily lives that it’s all too easy to imagine what’s going on beneath thin layers of cotton.
“Hyung, movie,” he says, about as articulate as a four year old. Jongin turns red, making another uncertain sound before he gestures to the space beside him for Junmyeon to sit.
It’s probably been over a year since they’ve done this. They watch movies together sometimes but even then, Jongin was never next to Junmyeon. It seemed like a good idea at the time to stay away but at this point, Jongin would go back in time and punch himself in face if he could.
Stretching a bit, Junmyeon flops down onto the sofa beside Jongin, purposely sitting too close to him for it to be normal.
“Are you comfortable?” Jongin asks, flushed with heat all down his right side. Junmyeon is so close.
Junmyeon turns his face to smile at him. “Very comfortable.”
“Um…” Jongin takes a deep breath and tries to find some of that suaveness and detached coolness all their fans seem convinced he possesses. “I’ll start the movie.”
“Mmhmm.”
Well…all things considered, this is shaping up to be very normal. Jongin relaxes a bit a few minutes into the movie, though he feels hot all over from where Junmyeon’s pressed against him. He shouldn’t think it special-he has to be careful, because this sort of closeness is a given for Junmyeon. He hugs everyone like this, especially Jongdae.
Thinking about that takes the wind out of Jongin’s sails a fair bit. Jongdae and Junmyeon have always been good friends, but it’s become obvious lately how much Junmyeon adores him. Jongdae is so lovable, he’s so kind and sweet, such a good dongsaeng too, so Jongin totally understands, but he’s still envious…
“What are you thinking so seriously about?” Junmyeon asks, leaning in while finally snaking his arm around Jongin’s waist.
Jongin flushes. “Um…just…the movie?”
“Really…”
With great effort, Jongin turns to meet Junmyeon’s eyes, heart leaping into his throat when he sees how comfortable and calm Junmyeon looks. How is that even possible? He just told Junmyeon of his feelings a couple hours ago and Jongin’s feeling like he could die at any second, but Junmyeon looks so collected and sure!
“Hyung, I’m just worried about stuff,” Jongin blurts out, voice tight, “I said some pretty weird stuff--”
“Yah, your hair’s still wet,” Junmyeon interrupts, pulling away to stand. Jongin is bewildered and completely thrown now, fingers clenching tighter around his chicken.
Maybe if he stares at the floor long enough, the answers will come? Jongin frowns, pensive and cold now that Junmyeon’s no longer pressed up against him.
Suddenly, without warning, a soft towel lands on his head. Jongin tries to look up but Junmyeon’s hands are already gently towelling his hair off. He could probably melt. He kind of is. Jongin bites hard on his lower lip and is grateful for the towel being there to hide his face, blushing to his heart’s content.
“Thank you, Junmyeon-hyung,” he says gently, heart sinking a little when he feels Junmyeon’s hands slowing down. These things are so small, they pass so fast, but they mean so much to him.
Jongin sighs, lifting his face up as Junmyeon slides the towel over the back of his head. He needs to think of something to say once the towel stops hiding him. He wants to talk about what’s going on between them because Junmyeon’s acting weird, and to be honest, Jongin’s got all his hopes up. Jongin’s head pops out again and he takes a deep breath, but Junmyeon is a lot, lot closer than he expected.
Before he can say anything, Junmyeon is kissing him, hands at his neck, thumbs keeping his face still on either side of his jaw.
“Nnmm…” Jongin mumbles, hands instantly reaching up to grab onto Junmyeon’s shoulders, his favorite chicken completely forgotten and dropped to the floor. Kudos to his dance training for giving him fast physical reflexes because his brain is certainly not doing anything but broadcasting static.
As far as his first kiss with Junmyeon goes, this is pretty fucking fantastic. There were so many variations of this fantasy that Jongin’s catalogued in his mind (most of them a lot more dramatic than this), but this is nothing short of perfect.
Once he finally runs out of breath, Junmyeon pulls back, cheeks a deep pink and lips tingling from their kiss. Jongin’s eyes are still closed and he is just beautiful.
“You know,” Junmyeon says, voice low, still hunched over and staying very close, “I’ve waited to do that about as long as I’ve waited to debut.”
“…What?” Jongin asks, more breath than sound, Junmyeon’s face the only thing in his universe not spiraling out of control.
Junmyeon gently pinches his cheek before sitting back down, gathering Jongin against him, pleased when Jongin melts into the lines of his body like he was always meant to be there. They haven’t done this since Jongin was very young and it was still easy to explain away, but they still fit together so well that it’s like not a day has passed.
Jongin closes his eyes and lets himself rest. He was exhausted in the first place from practicing so hard and these past few weeks of emotional torture haven’t been easy on his sleep schedule.
As much as he wants to kiss Junmyeon again, he’s feeling really shy and jittery still, and it would be so nice to just fall asleep in the spaces of Junmyeon’s body.
“This is where you go now, okay?” Junmyeon whispers, fingers slowly sifting through Jongin’s hair. They tilt horizontal until they’re squished together on the sofa and Jongin hides his face in Junmyeon’s neck. “Even in the morning, Jongin-ah. This is where you’re supposed to be.”
---
Jongin watches his 21st birthday blow by with millions of fans who love him wishing him well, and he spends the entirety of it with his self-declared number one fan that he loves in return.
“Hyung, are you listening?” Jongin demands, just short of whining. He winds his leg tighter around Junmyeon’s calf, wiggling his chin on Junmyeon’s shoulder to tickle him, wanting attention.
“Of course, Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon answers, nothing but fondness, squeezing Jongin a little tighter.
“Well I was saying, Taemin was testing me, right? He really thought I didn’t know his favorite color. I mean, we’ve been friends for how long?”
Junmyeon laughs, playfully rolling his eyes. Jongin’s not paying attention to the movie they have on at all; he’s just slowly suffocating Junmyeon into the sofa, though Junmyeon honestly has zero complaints about it.
“So what did you say?”
“Pffft,” Jongin says derisively, “I told him to find a hobby and not to bother me while I was with my boyfriend.”
He grins from ear to ear the second Junmyeon bursts out laughing, unable to take his eyes off of him. Jongin is perfectly aware of how lovesick he looks right now; the other guys have taken enough paparazzi photos of them in the apartment together to make an entire album, and they’ve definitely shown them to both Junmyeon and Jongin. The thing is, Jongin isn’t embarrassed by it, he isn’t ashamed of it, and he doesn’t want to hide it-he’s happily in lovesick hell, and he basks in all its glorious hellfire.
“You are so cute, what am I going to do with you?” Junmyeon asks, sighing helplessly. He’s grinning though, face tilting up in an obvious request for a kiss.
Of course, Jongin obliges. “Can I ask you a question?” he mumbles, winding his arms a bit together around Junmyeon’s neck. He’s settled half in Junmyeon’s lap and it’s super comfortable, but Jongin still wants to somehow be closer.
“Go for it.”
“How come you like hugging so much? Did you know that people call you a cuddle monster?” Jongin plays with the strand of hair curled behind Junmyeon’s right ear. “I get jealous and stuff, I guess…”
“Well…hugs feel nice, I suppose,” Junmyeon answers, wondering out loud. “I’m not sure, Jongin-ah, I’ve just always liked to be close to people.”
“…But me most, right?”
Junmyeon laughs quietly, tilting his head to rest it against Jongin’s collarbone. “Silly Jonginnie, I’ve always wanted to be with you most.”
“Really, hyung? You want to go down this corny road again?”
Junmyeon smiles to himself and closes his eyes, letting Jongin tease him. It’s still surreal to him that he’s lucky enough to have this, even months into their relationship. They have their squabbles like all couples do and they get tired and impatient and annoyed because they’re young and hotheaded and in love, but that’s the part that matters: it’s great the way it is, because they’re together. Junmyeon is grateful every day that Jongin had the courage to say something to him because Junmyeon is a coward and he would’ve kept all his feelings hidden under some pretense of altruism or responsibility.
Jongin is dazzled by him for whatever reason, Junmyeon isn’t going to dissuade him from feeling that way, but Jongin is the one that’s really amazing. Junmyeon thinks he is just amazing, spectacular, wonderful in every way.
“Hyung?” Jongin asks gently, breaking into his thoughts.
“Hm?”
“We’re going to Japan soon, right?”
“Mmhmm.” Junmyeon absentmindedly strokes the skin of Jongin’s hip, really enjoying how tightly Jongin is hugging him. “Anything wrong?”
“No…I was just wondering if maybe we could kind of…start over in Japan?”
Junmyeon tilts his face up again to look at him, a small pout of confusion on his face. “Start over?”
“Mm, yeah,” Jongin answers, cheeks red, “you know, show all the fans there that I like to do skinship with you too. A-actually, I like doing skinship with you more than anyone else!”
Junmyeon’s smile is so bright that Jongin has to look away. “You mean hug me on stage and stuff?”
“And stuff,” Jongin agrees.
“You can do that here in Korea too, Jongin-ah!”
“Hyung, I will!” Jongin presses a big, wet, noisy kiss to Junmyeon’s cheek on the spot, a great big smack that leaves tingles sizzling all over Junmyeon’s skin. “How else are you going to satisfy all that hugging neediness you have? Honestly hyung, consider the people around you, not everyone can handle being so happy…”
Junmyeon laughs and laughs and keeps Jongin right where he is; he’s never going to let go.
---
“Where’s Jonginnie?” Kyungsoo asks, stirring the giant batch of jjigae he’s almost finished.
Sehun leans dangerously in his chair to poke his head out from the kitchen. “All over Junmyeon-hyung on the sofa.”
“Again?”
“Yup.” Sehun flips through another page of his fashion magazine. “He’s probably not going to get up again now that he’s there so can I have his portion of jjigae?”
Kyungsoo considers this. “Do you want this jjigae more than you don’t want Junmyeon-hyung to lecture you later?”
Jongdae laughs as he walks into the kitchen, having caught the last half of their conversation. “Isn’t it nice though? They’ve finally stopped moping around each other.”
“Entire civilizations have been built and felled in the time it took for them to get together,” Sehun complains, “I must at least be halfway through the next phase of human evolution.”
“Then maybe you’ll join the rest of us soon.”
“Hey--!!”
“I’m glad it all worked out,” Jongdae says, ignoring his bickering friends. “Honestly, it was getting a bit ridiculous with how much we were hugging Junmyeon-hyung just to get Jonginnie to notice. Hyung probably would’ve started to think that we were the ones in love with him if we had kept going!”
“That Kim Jongin,” Sehun says, sighing while shaking his head.
“Yeah,” Jongdae says softly, taking a step back so he can sneak a peek at his friends again.
He wonders if people even know what real, unthinking contentment looks like on Jongin’s face, because it isn’t the mask he wears for awards, and it isn’t the stoic coolness he shows for the fans. It’s this, him sitting too far against Junmyeon’s side for it to be for any good reason other than it being what he wants, an unthinking, easy smile that’s barely there on his face, watching TV with his head tilted and tucked into the curve of Junmyeon’s neck.
Jongin says something that makes Junmyeon laugh and Jongdae finds himself smiling wider than ever, his heart light. He watches Jongin squeeze him and tease him until he distinctly sees Junmyeon saying I love you, and then Jongdae turns away to give them privacy. Even if he didn’t recognize the way those words look in someone’s mouth, even if he couldn’t hear, it’s written all over Junmyeon’s face the way it has been since the day Jongdae met him.
He’s so glad his friends are happy. Maybe this is a sign that they’re all growing u-
“Actually, if Junmyeon-hyung isn’t going to be coming over either, can I have his share too?”
Jongdae snickers and settles in next to Sehun at the kitchen table, happy to listen to Jongin and Junmyeon talking and laughing together from the other room.
---
oh my GOD this did not go the way i wanted it to D:
this WAS supposed to just be a gross cuddly fluff fic, idk what happened
i swear i'll stop writing shitty get-together bandfic （ ＴДＴ）
just been staring too much at my fave sukai moments
UGH LOOK AT THEM
SO CUDDLY
SO MUCH SHIP
liafjPOI;Wewr
let's all continue making the world sukai beautified ( ˘ ³˘)❤
thanks as always for reading! ♥