close enough for me
close enough for me
suho/kai
pg-13
for jongin, all directions point to kim junmyeon.
---
Jongin takes out the tattered map from his pocket, turning it in a full circle just to look at it, though he has it memorized already from all angles.
He remembers going in to Central at age 10 to collect it, finally a piece of paper to go with his internal compass. His mom was adventurous enough to tell him about it before he even had a real mental grasp on the concept of love-at that age, love was nothing more than wanting a hug from mom and dad before bed and maybe a cookie if he was extra cute.
In the books he read, the movies he saw, the conversations he overheard, he always thought that “tugging on heartstrings” was just a phrase. His mom taught him otherwise, though. There’s an internal compass inside him that will always try to guide him to completion, because true north never changes, and true north only rests on his heart’s desire.
It was a bit disappointing to hear at first because it seemed so much like his entire life was mapped out for him before he could even decide what he wanted for himself. But then he realized: if his heart knows what it really wants, then destiny is just the grand adventure of getting there.
---
Junmyeon rolls his eyes, knocking much more insistently at Chanyeol’s door. This isn’t the first time and he knows it won’t be the last that his precious dongsaengs annoy the shit out of him for no reason at all, but deep down, Junmyeon has to admit he kind of likes it.
“You’re all way too overgrown to be oversleeping like this!” He calls, trying the doorknob again despite having already confirmed that it’s locked.
Last night, he told them so many times not to stay up too late to play video games. Jongin had left to sleep on the sofa just to get away from the madness. They even assured him they wouldn’t, then apparently locked the door just so he couldn’t barge in on them later to check up, and it’s not like Junmyeon would’ve, but this is just getting ridiculous. He needs to lock away their gaming consoles.
God, he is such a parent.
“No luck?” Sehun drawls, all lazy grace and sweats hung low on his hips. Junmyeon sighs, walking with him to the kitchen, brightening a bit when he sees Jongin setting out bowls on the table.
“Morning, Jongin-ah,” he greets, walking to the table to peer into the bowls. “Thanks for setting out breakfast!”
Jongin blinks at him and then at Sehun before shifting, one hand clasping around the other wrist, some unreadable body language Junmyeon can’t interpret. “Just yours and mine. I- I didn’t think anyone else would be up.”
Sehun snickers and presses into him, eliciting all the annoyance on Jongin’s face possible. “What about me~? I’m awake too~”
Jongin glares at him with the strength of a thousand suns before he goes and gets another bowl, muttering about spoiled magnaes despite only being an enormous three months older than Sehun. It won’t do any good to laugh but Junmyeon can’t help how hard he’s smiling, saying nothing just because he loves the little moments of affection he can catch in the mornings like this.
There’s a tight leash that Junmyeon holds himself on but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate the things that go on around him. He is well aware that Jongin doesn’t have to wake up as early as he does, but he does it more and more these days, sometimes just to sit with Junmyeon at the kitchen table. He can’t call it habit because it certainly isn’t something that developed until recently, and he’s known Jongin for too long to not notice when something about Jongin changes. He’ll call this a change for the better, though. Selfishly, Junmyeon always secretly wants Jongin to change in his favor, because Junmyeon loves him.
His heart gives a great, big, painful tug, and Junmyeon has to pause in the middle of chewing just to let it pass. It isn’t uncommon for this to happen when he loves Jongin a little too much but it sucks when it catches him off guard right in the morning.
“Hyung?” Jongin asks, and Junmyeon appreciates it as much as he dreads how perceptive Jongin can be.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” He gives him a smile that’s a bit tight around the edges, unconsciously rubbing circles in the center of his chest as he continues eating.
Sehun makes a show of looking between them, making Junmyeon blush and eventually forcing Jongin to start kicking his shin under the table, and none too subtly either.
---
Alright, alright, so Jongin’s kind of in love with his Junmyeon-hyung. It’s not like it’s strange, it’s obviously the foregone conclusion in being with him for so many years, and it isn’t even something to be embarrassed about because probably everyone on the planet would be in love with him if they had the chance to be so close.
Jongin is sure that the only reason Junmyeon isn’t the most popular member of Exo is because Junmyeon is amazing like that and always chooses to take a backseat so everyone else can shine. That’s what Minseok-hyung told him once, anyway. Jongin had been upset about some stuff people wrote about Junmyeon on the internet (he knows better than to read that stuff anymore) and Minseok had happened to be there to witness it.
“He minds, but he doesn’t mind as much as you think,” Minseok had said.
“But I mind,” Jongin admitted in return, limbs in a ball on the sofa, laptop sat precariously on his knees.
Minseok had smiled at him then, the sort of look on his face that reminded Jongin again of why Junmyeon relied so much on his only hyung. “That’s why he doesn’t mind as much as you think, Jongin.”
So that had properly fucked Jongin’s brain for a couple days. His heart’s been in freefall since then, compass all crazy because the clench in his chest won’t pick a direction and go away.
---
Junmyeon knew he wanted to be a celebrity since early schooling days, though it took showing his parents his heart map to finally convince them. He remembers going into Central to get it, excited from all the hullabaloo he’d heard from all the noonas and hyungs a grade above him, then being very disappointed once he actually got the thing. It was just a piece of paper with a a black dot in the center and another bigger, red dot a few inches away.
It’s meant to be private too, so he hadn’t shown it to his parents until a few years later when he told them he had his heart set on auditioning for SM.
These days, he barely looks at the thing. He once spent an entire weekend wandering around Seoul in his high school days with the map in his face, just watching the red dot slowly move around the paper as his feet took him around the city.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have their heart’s desire be right where they live. He asked Yixing about it once and while China isn’t so far, it’s far enough that Yixing must’ve really made a commitment to follow his destiny to come all this way. Yixing hadn’t told him much, only that destiny sometimes has to be written slowly, that patience is the precursor to every reward, something vague and poetic that Junmyeon hadn’t really understood.
He understands it a bit better now that he knows what loss is, but he doesn’t want to ask again. The heart map is private; somehow, he’s sure that Yixing doesn’t look at his own much anyway. Yixing is a romantic, he lives and breathes his art, and he won’t let anyone, anything, including his own heart, get in the way of that romance.
However unconsciously, Junmyeon decided to follow in his footsteps. His map’s tucked into the back of his underwear drawer, neatly folded along the same two lines the way it has been since he was ten years old. The last time he looked at it was the day they debuted, and he was pleased enough then to see that his red dot was nearly touching the black dot at the center of the page.
He’s close enough to his heart’s desire. He always did want to be a celebrity, and now he can sing, dance, act, and be with all these wonderful people who love him.
Maybe he’s not 100% at his heart’s contentment, because apparently the two dots are supposed to fully overlap when that happens, but Junmyeon is too positive to get hung up on little details like that. Happiness is a process, it’s a choice most of the time, and he chooses to be grateful and happy with all the amazing things he already has. This is what his heart has always wanted; forsaking the 99% in search of the last 1% of perfection just seems selfish.
---
“Holy shit, is that what I think it is!?”
Jongin jumps in his seat and quickly shoves his map back into his sweats pocket, heart pounding furiously in his chest. Oh god, if that had been Junmyeon… “Uh, I--”
“Can I see it?!” Sehun asks, dropping into the chair beside him at the kitchen table. “I’ll show you mine.”
“I’ve already seen yours.”
“Don’t be stingy, Jongin~” Sehun leans in, grin all lopsided. “So?! Are you at 100% completion yet?”
They’ve all had this talk with each other in some format or another as trainees. It’s just something that always comes up between friends, though the level of intimacy shared is another thing entirely. Jongin’s told Sehun a lot about his heart map and the process of getting to where he is now. His parents were always supportive of his decision to pursue dance, and despite so much gruelling training for so long, Jongin had more or less enjoyed building up to stardom as a trainee. Besides, Junmyeon had been with him every literal step of the way, and there was nothing quite like having Junmyeon around.
He does sort of regret telling Sehun all those years ago that he was close to completion, though. The red dot of his heart has been circling the black dot at the center of the page for many, many years now. It’s always so close and sometimes they nearly touch, but never quite enough.
He’s aware he’s missing something. SM was the right choice, Exo was meant to be for him, he’s where he’s supposed to be-but he doesn’t know what’s missing.
Well…maybe he does, but his heart hurts when he thinks about it.
“I’m going to assume from your silence that that’s a no,” Sehun says slowly, growing more serious. “Ah, Jongin-ah…I’m sorry.”
“What, no,” Jongin is quick to say, “I mean it’s not like it’s your fault. It doesn’t matter so much.”
“Really? But I’ve noticed you look at it a lot more these days than you used to.”
Jongin shrugs. “Just feeling a bit homesick, I guess. I want to see my niece.”
Sehun reaches out to gently squeeze his shoulder. He’s smiling but Jongin thinks that Sehun also looks a little sad, like he understands but just isn’t saying it, and Jongin feels a rush of affection for him, even if he’d rather eat his own hand than say that out loud.
“Um…can I ask you a weird question?” Jongin asks, scratching the back of his head.
“Are you having a quarter-life crisis?”
“I- what? No?”
“Then I’m flattered, but I’m afraid I can’t return your feelings.”
Jongin rolls his eyes. “In what universe, Sehun? In what universe?”
Sehun laughs, glad the tension’s dissipated a little. “What’s up?”
“Well…” Jongin sighs, feeling so melodramatic. “You know how Central gives these maps out to everyone to help guide us, right? But you know how they also tell us not to rely too much on them if they get in the way of life?”
“Uh huh?”
“What do you think that means? Like…that we can be happy even if the dots don’t overlap?”
Sehun seems surprised, like he never expected such a thing to come from Jongin’s mouth. “Yeah man, of course. It’s just a guide, anyway. You know, I think it’s all a bit old-fashioned, too. Like, even if you get your heart’s desire, what if it’s in some crappy town in some crappy place with nothing around you? What if your heart’s desire is ice fishing in Alaska, you know? Like yeah you’ll enjoy your ice fishing days, but you also have to be cold 99% of your life and eat whale blubber for dinner every night.”
Jongin squints at him, unsure if Sehun is actually a real human being. “Do you really think that?”
“Yeah, why not?” Sehun asks, shrugging, “besides, they also tell us that what we really want can change as we grow up. I mean, obviously it will! It’d be weird if I wanted the same stuff at 50 as I did at 20, you know? Don’t get so hung up on it!”
“Yeah…I guess you’re right.” Jongin unconsciously fumbles with the map in his pocket and tries not to think of Junmyeon. “Do you…hey, do you think that maybe these black dots could be people?”
“Yeah, of course, but that’s a dangerous road to go down,” Sehun says with a frown, “you better hope that’s a nice person if you ever find them, because there are some not great people in the world. I don’t think getting what you want will always make you happy if another person is what it hinges on.”
Jongin’s never thought about it like that before but it’s a sobering thought to have. Sehun’s right; there are a lot of not great people in the world, and he can attest to that fact firsthand. “Shit, when did you get so deep and perceptive about stuff?” he teases, a bit nervous.
“People-watching,” Sehun whispers, leaning in and winking like it’s a big secret, “Magnae is always watching.”
“You’re so weird,” Jongin groans, rolling his eyes as he attempts to escape Sehun’s grabby hands, “ugh, can we hug later? Your creepiness is getting all over me.”
“Awww I love you toooo!”
“Oh Sehun!! Yah!!!”
---
By some miracle bestowed upon them by the schedule cancellation gods, Wednesday afternoon and evening free up last minute. Baekhyun’s gone before Junmyeon can even ask him where he’s thinking of going, and in the time it takes him to figure that out, everyone else disappears out the door, too.
Jongin is the last to leave, calmly and maturely pulling on his shoes in the doorway, phone pressed between his cheek and shoulder.
“Heading out?” Junmyeon asks, helplessly walking in his direction.
He tries not to show it but Jongin’s gravitational pull is too strong for him. Junmyeon’s been caught in his orbit for years and it’s only been through extreme self-denial that he’s managed to keep it sort of under wraps. He thinks Kyungsoo’s caught on though-Kyungsoo’s got some fearsome intuition and very, very sharp perception. Junmyeon really can’t be blamed; his heart tugs in Jongin’s direction as often as it beats in his chest, and that’s a lot of love to try and swallow every minute of every hour of every day.
“Just gonna pop home,” Jongin says, giving Junmyeon a quick look. “You’re not going home?”
Junmyeon shakes his head. “Have to hold down the fort in case of emergency.” It’ll be a bit lonely with everyone gone but at Junmyeon can get some extra sleep.
“Hey, noona?” Jongin says, apparently calling his sister, “I got a schedule cancellation so I’m going to pop over real quick. What’s for dinner?”
He listens with careful attention and Junmyeon smiles, finding it so cute how much Jongin cares about dinner. It’s probably going to be chicken now no matter what; Jongin’s the type of kid that gets spoiled, not because he demands it but because he never asks for anything.
“Awesome, chicken’s the best!” Jongin cheers, confirming all of Junmyeon’s assumptions, “oh, and I’m bringing Junmyeon-hyung so can we pick up some fruit for dessert?”
“Uh, what--” Junmyeon starts, but Jongin’s clearly not about to take no for an answer.
He listens some more, then turns to Junmyeon, a small, shy smile on his face. “Hyung, do you want to drink soju?”
“Oh, no, that’s perfectly alright!” Junmyeon rushes to say, “ah, but Jongin-ah, really, I don’t want to impos--”
Jongin presses his speakerphone button. “-drag him by the hair if he tries to say no-what’s that weird echo? Yah, am I on speakerphone?”
“Yes, noona.”
“Yah, Kim Jongin!”
“Ah, hello, noona,” Junmyeon greets, blushing for no reason.
“Junmyeon-ah! Come over! I haven’t seen you in ages and Jonginnie’s been talking endlessly about wanting you to--”
“Noona!!” Jongin half-yells.
“-play house with his cute niece. Yah, don’t yell at me, Kim Jongin!”
Junmyeon really thinks about it, really weighs what he wants to do against what’s responsible, then decides, ah, fuck it. How many nights in a year does he really get to spend with Jongin and his family?
“I’d love to,” he says, and pretends his heart isn’t trying to skitter up his throat when Jongin smiles at him so wide that his eyes curve to crescents.
---
While Junmyeon can’t say he’s so comfortable with Jongin’s family that he can just put his feet up and laze around, he’s also comfortable enough that after dinner, once everyone’s settled into their own activities, he’s happy to just slump into the sofa and read a book. Jongin’s sister has been nothing but a perfect host, casual enough that he doesn’t feel like an intrusion, but still so attentive that Junmyeon’s sure he will explode if he takes one more bite of anything.
It’s not every day that Jongin can come visit his niece. He’s obsessed with that little girl and it’s easy to see why-she’s so cute that Junmyeon himself wants a daughter now, and there is no way he actually wants a daughter right now.
His eyes watch them from over the top edge of his book, probably a little creepy but at least decently subtle. Jongin’s sitting on the floor with her in his lap, cooing and babying her like he should be, being so damn cute. Junmyeon would scream if he wasn’t so paralyzed with affection.
“Hey noona, can I ask you something?” Jongin asks, rubbing his face in his niece’s belly. She gurgles and Junmyeon’s grip on his book tightens to the point of crushing the spine.
“Yeah, what is it?”
“Um…about destiny and stuff…”
“Okay…? Are you having a quarter-life crisis?”
“I- what?? Okay, no!”
“Alright alright, what is it? Is everything okay?”
Jongin sighs, flopping over his own crossed legs, hugging his niece super tight to his chest. “You know your uh- your heart map?”
“Are you still obsessing over that thing?”
“I just mean- well, you seem so happy! And I wanted to know…how did you know that this was it for you? Like 100% completion, you know?”
She looks really thoughtful for a second, then laughs, reaching out to ruffle Jongin’s hair. “Aigoo…my baby bro’s growing up but he’s still so stupid sometimes.”
Junmyeon averts his eyes, suddenly a little uncomfortable. He’s not bothered by the conversation topic but Jongin’s expression is hitting really close to home.
“Sometimes, you just know, little bro,” she says, “and it has nothing to do with the map or the compass or whatever it is you think destiny means. Look at her, just look at her! Is there anything more perfect?”
Jongin’s smile softens, making a funny face when his niece starts to touch his cheeks. “She really is perfect, isn’t she?”
“Yup. And that’s how I know.”
“And…what about…when you got married?”
Junmyeon peeks at them again, curious about the answer himself.
“That?” She laughs, such fondness in it. “You choose your happiness in life, Jongin-ah. Worry less about 100% and worry more about living your happiness.”
Jongin blushes, almost embarrassed. “But you’re happy, right? I want you to be happy.”
She sighs, crouching down to give her baby brother a big, tight hug. “I’m so happy, Jongin-ah. You know what makes love meaningful? When you choose it with your own hands and words, because then it’s all yours.” She turns her face to get real close, dropping her voice down to a whisper. “You of all people should understand, Jongin! You make your own destiny in this life!” She pulls back to look him in the eye, nodding her head in Junmyeon’s direction. “You sure you want your hyung to just sit there by himself all night?”
Junmyeon quickly looks back at his book when Jongin suddenly stands and walks over, clearly resolute about something after whatever it is he and his sister were whispering about.
“Hyung, um…”
“Hey, Jongin-ah,” he greets, hoping it’s casual. He can’t help that he’s already smiling, making space so that Jongin can sit close. “Your niece is so cute.”
“I know,” Jongin says with a huge grin, “thanks for coming to play with her, hyung.”
“Not at all, I’m so happy you invited me. I…thank you for spending your free time with me, Jongin-ah.”
“I like to,” Jongin replies gently, looking away at something, anything that isn’t Junmyeon’s face. It’s for the best-Junmyeon flushes a deep red, kicking himself mentally for getting so worked up about three simple words. He always goes off the deep end when he hears things like this, he always gets his hopes up…
“I like spending time with you too,” he mumbles, looking down at his hands, “I like our breakfasts together.”
Jongin’s heart nearly stops to hear that; he hadn’t thought Junmyeon really noticed or cared all that much. It was a conscious effort on Jongin’s part to get out of bed that early and while he doesn’t manage to do it every day, he tries to get out there as many mornings a week as he can, just to spend some real time with his hyung. Sometimes it’s only ten minutes before another member appears for breakfast, but those ten minutes never would’ve been carved out of the day for them otherwise.
“Um…” Junmyeon says, looking around uncertainly, relieved to see that Jongin’s sister has left them alone. She is so intuitive and awesome. “Wow, this is going to sound so weird, but I’ve always wanted to say th-thanks for staying with me for so long. I know I’m overbearing sometimes--”
“You’re not--”
“I am,” Junmyeon cuts back in, giving Jongin a warm smile, “and you’ve been there from the start, so you’ve gotten the worst of it for the longest out of anyone.” He has to look away again, cheeks warm. “Thanks for holding me up all these years, Jongin-ah. I know you’ve been worried about your heart map a lot recently and to be honest, that worries me too, but only because I’m worried it’ll take you somewhere far.”
Their heart maps indirectly led them to each other. What if Jongin’s is starting to lead him away again?
Jongin’s entire spine stiffens, stomach churning at the look on Junmyeon’s face. They don’t talk about it, none of them do because they cope in their own ways, but it’s obvious that Junmyeon feels the absence of loved ones very keenly. He rarely lets on when he’s upset but Jongin so desperately wants to be there for him.
“I’m not good at losing people I care about,” Junmyeon says, turning back to Jongin. There’s a fierceness in his eyes that makes Jongin’s tongue turn to sand. “If you have to go one day, then you have to, but please don’t go far from me, Jongin-ah.”
“Hyung, I won’t leave,” Jongin swears instantly, all his words seeming to come out misshapen. He’s so devastated and he doesn’t know why, but maybe it’s because Junmyeon looks like he’s already resigned himself to saying goodbye. “I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t leave you!”
Junmyeon’s face is hard and filled with such worry, and though it’s gone the next second, Jongin feels as if he’s lived that moment for an hour. It’s so rare for Junmyeon to show what he’s really feeling; he holds that mask to his face with both hands and a stubbornness borne of diamond. But for a moment, Jongin could see, and he’s strangled with despair at the thought that Junmyeon doesn’t trust him to stay.
“Exo needs you,” Junmyeon offers lamely, struggling to get himself under control.
“I- what?” Jongin demands, “that’s not what I’m--” He forces himself to stop, closing his eyes. “Nevermind, I--”
“I know,” Junmyeon interrupts, clenching his hands into fists so that they don’t shake, “I know what you mean to say, Jongin.”
Jongin turns to him sharply, startled. “You know?”
“Of course,” Junmyeon says, the last syllable breathless, like it hurts him to even say out loud, “but I’m scared to let anything change.” He pauses, then lets out a helpless, joyless laugh. “What am I talking about, things are changing anyway.”
“What?” Jongin feels like he’s just a half-step behind. “Wait, do you really know what I mean, hyung? I’m--”
Junmyeon reaches out for his hand, grasping it tight, squeezing it so hard that Jongin makes a sound and has to grab Junmyeon by the wrist. “Jongin-ah…look me in the face and tell me you don’t understand.”
The words are soft, calm, so Junmyeon-like that Jongin thinks they must be talking about something more neutral, less dangerous. But the look on Junmyeon’s face is so severe and serious that Jongin can’t ignore it; he understands it almost immediately now that he knows what to look for, and it’s bordering on impossible to accept. He couldn’t have been so caught up in his own feelings that he never recognized the same thing in Junmyeon all this time…could he?
It has to be right, though. Only love can make someone look so damn miserable.
“Really?” he breathes, not minding that he sounds like a dazzled little kid, “hyung, why didn’t you say anything? Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed, was I being really obvious?”
That finally gets a smile out of Junmyeon and Jongin is relieved to see it. “I don’t think I’m a good judge of subtle, anyway.”
“How long have you known?” Jongin’s heart is racing away in his chest, still in disbelief that they’re having this conversation. Junmyeon’s not freaking out, Junmyeon’s actually reciprocating. Jongin’s always felt that they’re extremely close but he hadn’t dared to put that sort of spin onto Junmyeon’s kindness towards him.
Junmyeon gives his hand another squeeze. “About a year now? I thought I was reading too much into things but…I don’t know, I know you too well to lie to myself. It’s…” he sighs, laughing quietly. “It’s what I want, anyway.”
Jongin leans in close enough to parse out every one of Junmyeon’s eyelashes. “So why don’t you want anything to change, hyung?” He bites the inside of his cheek, hot all over, adrenaline giving him such a headrush. “I want things to change, if that’s okay.”
Junmyeon tries to not make it obvious that he’s marveling at the sweet, brave young man in front of him, but he doesn’t think he manages. Jongin’s smiling at him and then he’s grinning and Junmyeon feels his cheeks heat up; he’s absolutely smitten with him. When did Jongin get so big and brave? He’s such a shy kid but he always says what he needs to say when he really needs to say them, doesn’t he?
“What if it doesn’t work out?” he asks, the protest sounding weak even to his own ears.
“Hyung,” Jongin says immediately, shaking his head, “but what if it does?”
That’s unfair, unwinnable logic.
It’s what Junmyeon wants to hear.
“You better move away a bit,” Junmyeon says, drowning in Jongin’s big, brown eyes, overwhelmed with how lost he is in all this. “I don’t know if I can stop myself from kissing you and I don’t want your sister walking in on me doing it.”
Jongin flushes deep red and pulls back immediately, his shyness winning out over his giddiness again. He sneaks a look at Junmyeon and a thrill shoots down his spine-Junmyeon’s staring at him with serious, naked, undivided attention, and Jongin wants to laugh and laugh and roll around on the ground with how it makes him feel.
Maybe this is what his sister was talking about. Maybe this is what it means to just know.
“You’re being really serious, hyung,” Jongin says nervously, twisting his fingers together in his lap.
“That’s because this is really serious to me, Jongin-ah.”
Jongin nods, still not making eye contact, observing the living room carpet with great intensity. “Should- should we go back soon?”
He feels a gentle touch to the back of his neck and it sends a million tingles skittering across his skin. Junmyeon’s fingers linger and brush through the hairs at his nape and Jongin has to bite his lip against a gasp, or even worse, a moan.
The moment is tense, charged, the intimacy of it making Jongin’s heart thud far too fast. It isn’t the first time Junmyeon’s touched him this way but it is the first time Jongin’s understanding all the meaning behind it. That makes a universe of difference.
“Mm, we should go,” Junmyeon says eventually, gaze still burning an inferno into the side of Jongin’s face, “shouldn’t sleep too late tonight.”
The pleasantries don’t take long and Junmyeon coos at Jongin’s niece until Jongin’s the one that has to tug him away. It was so lovely to be with them this evening; while they aren’t Junmyeon’s relatives by blood, it doesn’t make them any less family.
“Junmyeon-ah?” Jongin’s sister calls out at the last second.
He turns, one hand naturally resting on Jongin’s shoulder. “Yes, noona?”
She smiles at him, eyes glittering. “Thanks for taking care of Jonginnie, Junmyeon-ah. He’s dense but don’t give up on him.”
He blushes, but he understands. “Thank you, noona. I’ll do my best.”
Jongin shoots his sister a pouting glare, cheeks red, sticking his tongue out at her even as Junmyeon drags him to the elevator to go back to the dorms.
---
While they’re busier than ever with schedules and individual activities, Jongin makes a point of waking up early every single day to sit with Junmyeon before breakfast. They don’t bring up their unplanned, unbelievable conversation in Jongin’s sister’s house again, but Junmyeon’s touches do linger longer these days, and Jongin’s noticed just how much he stares. He’s not sure if he’s just not as oblivious as before or if it’s a result of Junmyeon censoring himself less-in which case, Jongin could cry thinking about how much he’s missed out on. Junmyeon is so super affectionate. There’s no end to the love he gives and Jongin is starved to taste all of it.
This morning, he’s especially sleepy, craving sleep more than chicken. But Junmyeon is here, bright and fresh like he always is, a hand slowly working through Jongin’s hair, so it isn’t all bad.
“We need to talk about something,” Junmyeon says gently, taking in Jongin’s sleepy face. His eyes are a bit puffy and he’s naturally pouting a little just because he wants to sleep more, but it’s sweetest that he hasn’t complained once about being up way earlier than he needs to be.
Jongin blinks a few times, turning his attention to Junmyeon, pulling his mug of hot tea a bit close. Junmyeon just made it for him and he bets it tastes extra good. “Hyung?”
“Mmm…you know your schedule for the next little bit?”
That gets Jongin sitting up a bit straighter. “Um, do you mean about LA?”
“Mmhmm.”
Jongin’s grip tightens around his tea. “That’s- that’s going to go so fast.” He’s nervous, hoping Junmyeon’s calm expression is a reflection of how he actually feels rather than a mask. “I’m going to go to Universal Studios if I can! I’ll bring back something good for you, hyung.”
Junmyeon smiles, giving Jongin’s hair a gentle tug. There’s an earnestness in Jongin’s face that makes his chest hurt. “Thanks, Jongin-ah. You don’t have to get me anything.”
Jongin nods, tilting his head a bit, relieved when Junmyeon drops the hand from his hair to wrap an arm around his waist. It’s nice to be this close, even if Jongin can’t quite manage to look him in the face.
“Want me to help you pack?” Junmyeon offers, rubbing absentmindedly at Jongin’s hip.
“Yeah.” Jongin shifts even closer, until his head is tilted on Junmyeon’s shoulder. Junmyeon smells so nice; clean and soft and like laundry, some light cologne that he always uses sparingly. He turns his face more into Junmyeon’s neck, swallowing hard. This is too intimate to be taken as innocent but they can’t keep their relationship the same; it needs to catch up physically to what it is emotionally or Jongin will really lose his mind.
That evening, after Jongin’s managed to convince Chanyeol and Kyungsoo to occupy themselves in the living room, he sits down with Junmyeon on the floor of his bedroom to figure out what to pack for LA. It’s like a bomb exploded-there are clothes everywhere, there’s somehow just boxers everywhere, and Jongin is super embarrassed when Junmyeon’s gaze lingers on the baby blue pair with all the duckies on it.
“It was a gift from my mom,” he explains without prompting, folding another shirt to put into his carry-on only to pull it back out.
“I didn’t say anything…”
Jongin’s cheeks burn, pouting at the teasing smile on Junmyeon’s face. “Ahhh hyung! I have no idea what to bring.”
Junmyeon sighs and moves next to him, wrapping an arm around his waist again. They spend a few moments in peaceful silence, leaning back against Chanyeol’s bed, feet knocking together now and again amidst the battlefield of Jongin’s clothes strewn all over the floor.
Junmyeon turns to look at him, leaning in before Jongin can react to kiss him on the corner of the mouth. “You could bring me.”
There have obviously been moments in Jongin’s life where something has been so surprising, so unbelievable that he barely dares to believe them. The moment he got accepted into SM. The force with which he loved his niece the first time he reached out and her tiny, strong fist closed around his ring finger. The first time he realized that his heart map’s ultimately been trying to lead him to Junmyeon for years, not just SM.
“I’ll be back before you know it, hyung, really,” he breathes. His insides ache; he desperately wants Junmyeon to believe in him, that he’s as serious about all this as Junmyeon is.
“I know,” Junmyeon says, because he does. But he does have crippling insecurity when it comes to people leaving him, and it’s not all so unfounded. He hates that every trip Jongin takes now feels like the sign of the beginning of the end. “I just miss you already.” He blushes, embarrassed by the confession. “You must be so sick of this ridiculous hyung, hm?”
Jongin barely manages another second of looking at Junmyeon’s helpless smile before he’s launching himself forward, grabbing the back of Junmyeon’s shirt to keep himself there. He hugs Junmyeon the way he used to when he was a little kid, when he thought that hugs actually would make things a bit better in the world if he just believed hard enough. He understands that Junmyeon feels defeated by inevitability a lot, that he still fights on despite that, but everyone gets tired sometimes, and everyone needs reassurance and help and an extra helping of love, sometimes.
“I’m never going to be sick of you,” Jongin swears, sure of it, his words muffled into where he’s got his face buried in Junmyeon’s chest. “Please believe me, hyung.”
“Oh Jongin-ah, I do.” Junmyeon hides his face in Jongin’s hair, squeezing him tight.
“I love you, hyung,” Jongin says weakly, not the first time he’s said those words with the way he means, but the first time he’s said them with the knowledge that Junmyeon really understands. It doesn’t send him in a panic the way he thought it would, but it still makes him nervous and shy. He closes his eyes, reveling in the way Junmyeon holds him, like he’s so precious.
Junmyeon sighs, fingers skimming along the back of Jongin’s neck again. Maybe he’s lightheaded from vindication or exhaustion or plain old being in love, but he’s drunk off of how it feels. “I love you too, Jongin-ah.”
They embrace until Jongin’s leg falls asleep, and even then, Jongin slots his hand into Junmyeon’s almost immediately when they break apart, totally unproductive for packing.
“If your mom gave you those, you should pack them,” Junmyeon suggests, running his thumb across the back of Jongin’s hand. “They’re very…stylish.”
“Hyunnng!” Jongin complains, groaning.
“I’m just saying, the ducks are cute. Oh, and don’t forget to call me once you’re in LA. You’re going to be crazy busy but I still want to hear how you’re doing.”
“Stupid hyung, like I could forget to call you.”
“Yah, who are you calling stupid?”
“You!” Jongin replies immediately, grinning, “I’m going to skype you at unexpected times just to annoy you.”
Junmyeon laughs, giving Jongin’s hand a squeeze. “You’re lucky you know how much you can get away with with me, Kim Jongin! And here I was, trying not to play favorites for so many years.”
Jongin grins even wider, feeling fuzzy all over from the inside out to see the relaxed, happy smile on Junmyeon’s face. He usually worries so much that he has a permanent crease between his eyebrows and Jongin is glad it’s not there now.
They look at each other, the moment stretching until Jongin decides it’s gone on long enough. He’s nervous but it also feels long overdue when he slowly leans in to kiss Junmyeon properly on the mouth; it’s what he’s been wanting to do for years. Thankfully, Junmyeon reciprocates immediately, reaching a hand around the back of his neck to keep him still.
Slowly, the sweet, innocent kiss deepens into something a bit more befitting of their relationship. Jongin sighs into their kisses, eyelashes fluttering but ultimately unable to open his eyes.
Junmyeons lips are soft, coaxing, wet and warm against his mouth. Kissing feels so nice-it’s just so nice. Jongin moans quietly, shivering when he swallows Junmyeon’s answering moan in return. He tilts his head for more access, brushing his tongue against Junmyeon’s, the hot drag of his lips making Jongin want to squirm in place. Oh god, Junmyeon could ask literally anything of him right now and Jongin would do it happily. Maybe he ought to start waking up even earlier for breakfast so he and Junmyeon can make out every day just to start the day off nice.
“Mmff, wait,” Junmyeon says, interrupting Jongin’s eager thoughts, half-gasping his words as he turns his head. “I think I heard Sehunnie calling for me.”
“Ignore him,” Jongin groans, leaving kisses all over Junmyeon’s cheek and jaw.
“Don’t tempt me, Jongin-ah. You finish packing while I go check on him, okay?”
“No.”
Junmyeon sighs, all affection, giving Jongin one last peck. He has to admit-it’s really, really great when Jongin’s entire body follows after his mouth when he pulls back, his expression clearly one of desperate want. Maybe they can find some time to make out more later…Junmyeon’s not such a saint that he wouldn’t sacrifice Jongin’s sleep for more of his attention.
Jongin eventually lets his ever responsible leader go with great reluctance, sighing wistfully to be left alone. He’s always had Junmyeon at his side, longer now than he can remember being without him, but it’s different to be on the level they’re on. He wants to be with Junmyeon all the time, he wants to see him all the time-it’s stupid, it’s embarrassing, but even when Junmyeon is with him, he misses him all the same. It’s going to be really different going to LA on his own.
“Oh, Jongin-ah?” Junmyeon says, turning back even as he’s halfway out the door.
“Hyung?”
“I love you.” Junmyeon smiles, the one that makes his eyes curve to nothing, a thousand watts of sunshine beamed in Jongin’s direction.
Well, that’s not very fair. There are few things in the world that make Jongin squirm but that is definitely one of them.
He doesn’t even have an excuse ready when Kyungsoo wanders into the room later for his charger, only to find Jongin sprawled out on the floor, half covered among a mess of underwear and socks, the silliest grin on his face.
---
“Hyunnnng,” Jongin complains, pulling the phone close to his face, “the flight was sooooo long.”
“Poor Jonginnie,” Junmyeon sympathizes, pouting for his sake. “Was the airplane food at least good?”
Although the connection is good and clear, Jongin can’t help but feel a bit lost to hear the distance between LA and Seoul. It’s that brief lag, the slightly hollow tone that digital connection renders everyone’s voices, but Jongin never realized he could feel it as keenly as he does now. He misses Junmyeon a lot more than he had been expecting.
“Hey, you’ll be okay,” Junmyeon says gently, smiling at him. Even across an ocean, Junmyeon can apparently read him like an open book. “You’ll be back in no time, right?”
“Yeah…” Jongin mumbles, curling up a bit more in bed. He’s exhausted but he’s too restless to sleep and he’s been wanting to skype Junmyeon all day. “Wish you were here though, I could really use your help with all this English.”
Junmyeon laughs and that makes Jongin smile. Junmyeon’s obviously in the kitchen and he moves around now and then to get food, but otherwise, he’s got all his attention on Jongin.
There really isn’t that much to talk about but that’s how it is with a relationship on the cusp of a decade. They chat a bit about mundane things and schedules but Jongin’s only doing this to spend some time together. Maybe time spent together in silence is the truest indication of love, anyway, because that’s when it speaks the loudest.
He fumbles out his tattered heart map from his jeans pocket, careful to keep it out of view from his phone camera.
“Hyung,” he says, eyes on the map, “I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” Junmyeon answers immediately, no hesitation or embarrassment in it. That’s what Jongin had expected anyway-Junmyeon doesn’t hide these things from him anymore. “I love you, Jongin-ah.”
Junmyeon’s reply is exactly what Jongin had predicted. He smiles, unsurprised but still so vindicated by what he sees. He’s far from home, far from what he knows, far from the place he realized so many of his dreams. The red dot of his heart was far, far away from the black dot at the center of the map when he first landed, but now it’s glitching like mad, bouncing between a corner of the page and the very center, clearly confused about where it should settle.
That’s the thing about modern technology; there are always ways to outsmart older ones. He’s known for longer than he cares to admit how important Junmyeon is to him.
“What are you looking so pleased about?” Junmyeon asks, curious about the smile on Jongin’s face. He looks relieved, almost.
“Remember when you mentioned I was looking at my heart map a lot recently?”
Junmyeon grows serious immediately. “Did something happen?”
“No, don’t worry,” Jongin says softly, smiling. “It’s always been the same for me for a long time, just circling the black dot, you know? I got really hung up on it I guess, like I wasn’t doing everything I should’ve been.”
Junmyeon sighs, tapping his phone screen since he can’t touch Jongin the way he wants. “Always the last 1%, right?”
“Right. But now I’m here, and I’m looking at it, and it’s so stupid, I’ve always known what I’ve wanted without this stupid thing telling me. Like, I am way ahead of this stupid map anyway, what do I even need it for?”
Junmyeon seems surprised by the surety in which Jongin says that, tilting his head. “Jongin?”
“Ah, it’s nothing,” Jongin says with a laugh, turning his attention back to Junmyeon. “This is just my crappy way of saying I really miss you, hyung.”
Junmyeon laughs again, blushing prettily and very pleased. “Go to bed, kid! Sleep deprivation is making you all mushy.”
Jongin pouts. “What, you don’t like it?”
“Silly Jonginnie,” Junmyeon says, sighing the words, “I like it too much. That’s why you need to go to bed, because I can’t actually touch you right now and you’re going to drive me crazy with how badly I want to.”
Jongin blushes for a long time even after he hangs up. He’s always taken Junmyeon’s words to heart the most; he wants to see Junmyeon so badly he could burst with it. For now, all he can do is lie in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and let his heart thunder away for Junmyeon.
---
His trip to LA really does pass fast. Each day is so packed and busy that Jongin barely has time to think of anything else, and by the time he lands back in Korea, it doesn’t even seem real. It’s great to be home, though; he has so many souvenirs to give to people!
“Need any help unpacking?” Junmyeon asks while they’re snuggled together in bed, curtains drawn to darken the room. It’s actually mid-afternoon but neither of them has anything to do, so they’re doing what they’ve been wanting to for ages. He’s playing with Jongin’s hair again, tugging and stroking, enjoying the way Jongin will hum his name and nuzzle into his neck.
Jongin arches in a stretch before winding his limbs tightly around Junmyeon’s body again, squeezing a little too hard on purpose just to hear Junmyeon groan. “I can do it later. Hyung, did you miss me?”
“You are such a cheeky kid, you know that?” Junmyeon asks, laughing. He gives Jongin’s butt a light pat. “Obviously I did!”
“Good,” Jongin mumbles, “I missed you, too. Lost my appetite and everything, wrote some dark poetry, could barely get myself out of bed in the mor--”
“Oh god, you brat.”
“But you love me most, right, hyung?” Jongin asks while he laughs, smiling so hard his cheeks hurt. Junmyeon seriously puts up with a lot of his shit; how did Jongin never see how strong his bias was before all this?
Junmyeon smiles in return, giving him a sweet kiss that Jongin tries not to melt too visibly in. “Yes, Jongin-ah, I love you most.”
Jongin is satisfied with that answer. He hugs Junmyeon tight, eight years of history behind them, an infinite amount of moments in the years still lying ahead. There are so many things to look forward to with Junmyeon at his side.
“I love you, too, Junmyeon-hyung.” Jongin whispers, smiling.
---
Two days after Jongin is back from LA, everyone in the dorm gets a real startle when their smoke detector goes off in the early morning. Junmyeon rushes out to the kitchen with his toothbrush still in his mouth, wide-eyed and worried. Chanyeol is flapping chair cushions at their smoke detector while Jongdae’s running around opening all the windows for ventilation, but Jongin is just standing at the sink, a small blaze going on inside, smoke swirling up into the air.
He looks calm so at least Junmyeon knows he’s got things under control, but he cannot fathom why Jongin’s burning anything.
“Mmm…” he hums uncertainly, wrapping an arm around Jongin’s hip.
“I’m burning it,” Jongin explains, leaning just a bit into Junmyeon’s side. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
Junmyeon watches the edges of Jongin’s heart map turn black and curl, burning away in front of his eyes. It’s mesmerizing, how final this decision is-Junmyeon’s head spins at what this means. There won’t be another map, there is no taking this back, and Central certainly doesn’t take kindly to deliberate destruction of property.
Jongin is that certain of him. Jongin is that set on him.
Wordlessly, Junmyeon slips away, going to his room to rummage through his underwear drawer. When he reappears at Jongin’s side, it’s to toss his own heart map in, still folded up and unseen the way it has been for years.
“Ahhh, hyung!!” Chanyeol cries, looking over at the reignited blaze in their kitchen sink with dread. “Yah, Sehunnie!! Come out here and help me with these cushions, my arms are getting tired!”
“Are you serious right now,” Kyungsoo demands, finally poking his head in to witness whatever disaster is going on. “Can you guys go be married somewhere that isn’t the kitchen sink? I use that, you know.”
Jongin hears him but he isn’t listening. He’s too busy being in love with Junmyeon, so overwhelmed by it that he doesn’t even know how to express it anymore.
He made up his mind about the map in LA, though he’d been thinking about it for months before then. It wasn’t just about Junmyeon-having that thing around didn’t make him happy, because it always seemed like it was telling him not to be satisfied even though he didn’t feel that way. He already has everything he wants. This is everything he can imagine wanting and he doesn’t need some outdated piece of paper telling him that anything less than 100% isn’t enough. He chooses Junmyeon above all else, against all the what ifs and maybes of an unknown future, and he knows with certainty that Junmyeon feels the same.
His sister was right; love is just a chemical reaction, a crazy clash of hormones and insanity-it’s choice that gives it meaning.
“You didn’t have to do that, hyung,” Jongin says shyly, unable to hide how pleased he is.
“I know,” Junmyeon replies, smiling back at him, “but I wanted to. I’ve always been sure about you.”
---
this fic was written from apocryphalic's wonderful idea of heart maps and destiny. i didn't do it any justice though because i never know what i'm doing HA HA HA wow it's 2am
it was gonna be AU but clearly i'm still hung up on bandfic OTL
THEY ARE JUST SO CUTE IT HURTS ME!!!
UGHHHH so cuddly ♥
let's all continue making the world sukai beautified ( ˘ ³˘)❤
thanks as always for reading! :D
suho/kai
pg-13
for jongin, all directions point to kim junmyeon.
---
Jongin takes out the tattered map from his pocket, turning it in a full circle just to look at it, though he has it memorized already from all angles.
He remembers going in to Central at age 10 to collect it, finally a piece of paper to go with his internal compass. His mom was adventurous enough to tell him about it before he even had a real mental grasp on the concept of love-at that age, love was nothing more than wanting a hug from mom and dad before bed and maybe a cookie if he was extra cute.
In the books he read, the movies he saw, the conversations he overheard, he always thought that “tugging on heartstrings” was just a phrase. His mom taught him otherwise, though. There’s an internal compass inside him that will always try to guide him to completion, because true north never changes, and true north only rests on his heart’s desire.
It was a bit disappointing to hear at first because it seemed so much like his entire life was mapped out for him before he could even decide what he wanted for himself. But then he realized: if his heart knows what it really wants, then destiny is just the grand adventure of getting there.
---
Junmyeon rolls his eyes, knocking much more insistently at Chanyeol’s door. This isn’t the first time and he knows it won’t be the last that his precious dongsaengs annoy the shit out of him for no reason at all, but deep down, Junmyeon has to admit he kind of likes it.
“You’re all way too overgrown to be oversleeping like this!” He calls, trying the doorknob again despite having already confirmed that it’s locked.
Last night, he told them so many times not to stay up too late to play video games. Jongin had left to sleep on the sofa just to get away from the madness. They even assured him they wouldn’t, then apparently locked the door just so he couldn’t barge in on them later to check up, and it’s not like Junmyeon would’ve, but this is just getting ridiculous. He needs to lock away their gaming consoles.
God, he is such a parent.
“No luck?” Sehun drawls, all lazy grace and sweats hung low on his hips. Junmyeon sighs, walking with him to the kitchen, brightening a bit when he sees Jongin setting out bowls on the table.
“Morning, Jongin-ah,” he greets, walking to the table to peer into the bowls. “Thanks for setting out breakfast!”
Jongin blinks at him and then at Sehun before shifting, one hand clasping around the other wrist, some unreadable body language Junmyeon can’t interpret. “Just yours and mine. I- I didn’t think anyone else would be up.”
Sehun snickers and presses into him, eliciting all the annoyance on Jongin’s face possible. “What about me~? I’m awake too~”
Jongin glares at him with the strength of a thousand suns before he goes and gets another bowl, muttering about spoiled magnaes despite only being an enormous three months older than Sehun. It won’t do any good to laugh but Junmyeon can’t help how hard he’s smiling, saying nothing just because he loves the little moments of affection he can catch in the mornings like this.
There’s a tight leash that Junmyeon holds himself on but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate the things that go on around him. He is well aware that Jongin doesn’t have to wake up as early as he does, but he does it more and more these days, sometimes just to sit with Junmyeon at the kitchen table. He can’t call it habit because it certainly isn’t something that developed until recently, and he’s known Jongin for too long to not notice when something about Jongin changes. He’ll call this a change for the better, though. Selfishly, Junmyeon always secretly wants Jongin to change in his favor, because Junmyeon loves him.
His heart gives a great, big, painful tug, and Junmyeon has to pause in the middle of chewing just to let it pass. It isn’t uncommon for this to happen when he loves Jongin a little too much but it sucks when it catches him off guard right in the morning.
“Hyung?” Jongin asks, and Junmyeon appreciates it as much as he dreads how perceptive Jongin can be.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” He gives him a smile that’s a bit tight around the edges, unconsciously rubbing circles in the center of his chest as he continues eating.
Sehun makes a show of looking between them, making Junmyeon blush and eventually forcing Jongin to start kicking his shin under the table, and none too subtly either.
---
Alright, alright, so Jongin’s kind of in love with his Junmyeon-hyung. It’s not like it’s strange, it’s obviously the foregone conclusion in being with him for so many years, and it isn’t even something to be embarrassed about because probably everyone on the planet would be in love with him if they had the chance to be so close.
Jongin is sure that the only reason Junmyeon isn’t the most popular member of Exo is because Junmyeon is amazing like that and always chooses to take a backseat so everyone else can shine. That’s what Minseok-hyung told him once, anyway. Jongin had been upset about some stuff people wrote about Junmyeon on the internet (he knows better than to read that stuff anymore) and Minseok had happened to be there to witness it.
“He minds, but he doesn’t mind as much as you think,” Minseok had said.
“But I mind,” Jongin admitted in return, limbs in a ball on the sofa, laptop sat precariously on his knees.
Minseok had smiled at him then, the sort of look on his face that reminded Jongin again of why Junmyeon relied so much on his only hyung. “That’s why he doesn’t mind as much as you think, Jongin.”
So that had properly fucked Jongin’s brain for a couple days. His heart’s been in freefall since then, compass all crazy because the clench in his chest won’t pick a direction and go away.
---
Junmyeon knew he wanted to be a celebrity since early schooling days, though it took showing his parents his heart map to finally convince them. He remembers going into Central to get it, excited from all the hullabaloo he’d heard from all the noonas and hyungs a grade above him, then being very disappointed once he actually got the thing. It was just a piece of paper with a a black dot in the center and another bigger, red dot a few inches away.
It’s meant to be private too, so he hadn’t shown it to his parents until a few years later when he told them he had his heart set on auditioning for SM.
These days, he barely looks at the thing. He once spent an entire weekend wandering around Seoul in his high school days with the map in his face, just watching the red dot slowly move around the paper as his feet took him around the city.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have their heart’s desire be right where they live. He asked Yixing about it once and while China isn’t so far, it’s far enough that Yixing must’ve really made a commitment to follow his destiny to come all this way. Yixing hadn’t told him much, only that destiny sometimes has to be written slowly, that patience is the precursor to every reward, something vague and poetic that Junmyeon hadn’t really understood.
He understands it a bit better now that he knows what loss is, but he doesn’t want to ask again. The heart map is private; somehow, he’s sure that Yixing doesn’t look at his own much anyway. Yixing is a romantic, he lives and breathes his art, and he won’t let anyone, anything, including his own heart, get in the way of that romance.
However unconsciously, Junmyeon decided to follow in his footsteps. His map’s tucked into the back of his underwear drawer, neatly folded along the same two lines the way it has been since he was ten years old. The last time he looked at it was the day they debuted, and he was pleased enough then to see that his red dot was nearly touching the black dot at the center of the page.
He’s close enough to his heart’s desire. He always did want to be a celebrity, and now he can sing, dance, act, and be with all these wonderful people who love him.
Maybe he’s not 100% at his heart’s contentment, because apparently the two dots are supposed to fully overlap when that happens, but Junmyeon is too positive to get hung up on little details like that. Happiness is a process, it’s a choice most of the time, and he chooses to be grateful and happy with all the amazing things he already has. This is what his heart has always wanted; forsaking the 99% in search of the last 1% of perfection just seems selfish.
---
“Holy shit, is that what I think it is!?”
Jongin jumps in his seat and quickly shoves his map back into his sweats pocket, heart pounding furiously in his chest. Oh god, if that had been Junmyeon… “Uh, I--”
“Can I see it?!” Sehun asks, dropping into the chair beside him at the kitchen table. “I’ll show you mine.”
“I’ve already seen yours.”
“Don’t be stingy, Jongin~” Sehun leans in, grin all lopsided. “So?! Are you at 100% completion yet?”
They’ve all had this talk with each other in some format or another as trainees. It’s just something that always comes up between friends, though the level of intimacy shared is another thing entirely. Jongin’s told Sehun a lot about his heart map and the process of getting to where he is now. His parents were always supportive of his decision to pursue dance, and despite so much gruelling training for so long, Jongin had more or less enjoyed building up to stardom as a trainee. Besides, Junmyeon had been with him every literal step of the way, and there was nothing quite like having Junmyeon around.
He does sort of regret telling Sehun all those years ago that he was close to completion, though. The red dot of his heart has been circling the black dot at the center of the page for many, many years now. It’s always so close and sometimes they nearly touch, but never quite enough.
He’s aware he’s missing something. SM was the right choice, Exo was meant to be for him, he’s where he’s supposed to be-but he doesn’t know what’s missing.
Well…maybe he does, but his heart hurts when he thinks about it.
“I’m going to assume from your silence that that’s a no,” Sehun says slowly, growing more serious. “Ah, Jongin-ah…I’m sorry.”
“What, no,” Jongin is quick to say, “I mean it’s not like it’s your fault. It doesn’t matter so much.”
“Really? But I’ve noticed you look at it a lot more these days than you used to.”
Jongin shrugs. “Just feeling a bit homesick, I guess. I want to see my niece.”
Sehun reaches out to gently squeeze his shoulder. He’s smiling but Jongin thinks that Sehun also looks a little sad, like he understands but just isn’t saying it, and Jongin feels a rush of affection for him, even if he’d rather eat his own hand than say that out loud.
“Um…can I ask you a weird question?” Jongin asks, scratching the back of his head.
“Are you having a quarter-life crisis?”
“I- what? No?”
“Then I’m flattered, but I’m afraid I can’t return your feelings.”
Jongin rolls his eyes. “In what universe, Sehun? In what universe?”
Sehun laughs, glad the tension’s dissipated a little. “What’s up?”
“Well…” Jongin sighs, feeling so melodramatic. “You know how Central gives these maps out to everyone to help guide us, right? But you know how they also tell us not to rely too much on them if they get in the way of life?”
“Uh huh?”
“What do you think that means? Like…that we can be happy even if the dots don’t overlap?”
Sehun seems surprised, like he never expected such a thing to come from Jongin’s mouth. “Yeah man, of course. It’s just a guide, anyway. You know, I think it’s all a bit old-fashioned, too. Like, even if you get your heart’s desire, what if it’s in some crappy town in some crappy place with nothing around you? What if your heart’s desire is ice fishing in Alaska, you know? Like yeah you’ll enjoy your ice fishing days, but you also have to be cold 99% of your life and eat whale blubber for dinner every night.”
Jongin squints at him, unsure if Sehun is actually a real human being. “Do you really think that?”
“Yeah, why not?” Sehun asks, shrugging, “besides, they also tell us that what we really want can change as we grow up. I mean, obviously it will! It’d be weird if I wanted the same stuff at 50 as I did at 20, you know? Don’t get so hung up on it!”
“Yeah…I guess you’re right.” Jongin unconsciously fumbles with the map in his pocket and tries not to think of Junmyeon. “Do you…hey, do you think that maybe these black dots could be people?”
“Yeah, of course, but that’s a dangerous road to go down,” Sehun says with a frown, “you better hope that’s a nice person if you ever find them, because there are some not great people in the world. I don’t think getting what you want will always make you happy if another person is what it hinges on.”
Jongin’s never thought about it like that before but it’s a sobering thought to have. Sehun’s right; there are a lot of not great people in the world, and he can attest to that fact firsthand. “Shit, when did you get so deep and perceptive about stuff?” he teases, a bit nervous.
“People-watching,” Sehun whispers, leaning in and winking like it’s a big secret, “Magnae is always watching.”
“You’re so weird,” Jongin groans, rolling his eyes as he attempts to escape Sehun’s grabby hands, “ugh, can we hug later? Your creepiness is getting all over me.”
“Awww I love you toooo!”
“Oh Sehun!! Yah!!!”
---
By some miracle bestowed upon them by the schedule cancellation gods, Wednesday afternoon and evening free up last minute. Baekhyun’s gone before Junmyeon can even ask him where he’s thinking of going, and in the time it takes him to figure that out, everyone else disappears out the door, too.
Jongin is the last to leave, calmly and maturely pulling on his shoes in the doorway, phone pressed between his cheek and shoulder.
“Heading out?” Junmyeon asks, helplessly walking in his direction.
He tries not to show it but Jongin’s gravitational pull is too strong for him. Junmyeon’s been caught in his orbit for years and it’s only been through extreme self-denial that he’s managed to keep it sort of under wraps. He thinks Kyungsoo’s caught on though-Kyungsoo’s got some fearsome intuition and very, very sharp perception. Junmyeon really can’t be blamed; his heart tugs in Jongin’s direction as often as it beats in his chest, and that’s a lot of love to try and swallow every minute of every hour of every day.
“Just gonna pop home,” Jongin says, giving Junmyeon a quick look. “You’re not going home?”
Junmyeon shakes his head. “Have to hold down the fort in case of emergency.” It’ll be a bit lonely with everyone gone but at Junmyeon can get some extra sleep.
“Hey, noona?” Jongin says, apparently calling his sister, “I got a schedule cancellation so I’m going to pop over real quick. What’s for dinner?”
He listens with careful attention and Junmyeon smiles, finding it so cute how much Jongin cares about dinner. It’s probably going to be chicken now no matter what; Jongin’s the type of kid that gets spoiled, not because he demands it but because he never asks for anything.
“Awesome, chicken’s the best!” Jongin cheers, confirming all of Junmyeon’s assumptions, “oh, and I’m bringing Junmyeon-hyung so can we pick up some fruit for dessert?”
“Uh, what--” Junmyeon starts, but Jongin’s clearly not about to take no for an answer.
He listens some more, then turns to Junmyeon, a small, shy smile on his face. “Hyung, do you want to drink soju?”
“Oh, no, that’s perfectly alright!” Junmyeon rushes to say, “ah, but Jongin-ah, really, I don’t want to impos--”
Jongin presses his speakerphone button. “-drag him by the hair if he tries to say no-what’s that weird echo? Yah, am I on speakerphone?”
“Yes, noona.”
“Yah, Kim Jongin!”
“Ah, hello, noona,” Junmyeon greets, blushing for no reason.
“Junmyeon-ah! Come over! I haven’t seen you in ages and Jonginnie’s been talking endlessly about wanting you to--”
“Noona!!” Jongin half-yells.
“-play house with his cute niece. Yah, don’t yell at me, Kim Jongin!”
Junmyeon really thinks about it, really weighs what he wants to do against what’s responsible, then decides, ah, fuck it. How many nights in a year does he really get to spend with Jongin and his family?
“I’d love to,” he says, and pretends his heart isn’t trying to skitter up his throat when Jongin smiles at him so wide that his eyes curve to crescents.
---
While Junmyeon can’t say he’s so comfortable with Jongin’s family that he can just put his feet up and laze around, he’s also comfortable enough that after dinner, once everyone’s settled into their own activities, he’s happy to just slump into the sofa and read a book. Jongin’s sister has been nothing but a perfect host, casual enough that he doesn’t feel like an intrusion, but still so attentive that Junmyeon’s sure he will explode if he takes one more bite of anything.
It’s not every day that Jongin can come visit his niece. He’s obsessed with that little girl and it’s easy to see why-she’s so cute that Junmyeon himself wants a daughter now, and there is no way he actually wants a daughter right now.
His eyes watch them from over the top edge of his book, probably a little creepy but at least decently subtle. Jongin’s sitting on the floor with her in his lap, cooing and babying her like he should be, being so damn cute. Junmyeon would scream if he wasn’t so paralyzed with affection.
“Hey noona, can I ask you something?” Jongin asks, rubbing his face in his niece’s belly. She gurgles and Junmyeon’s grip on his book tightens to the point of crushing the spine.
“Yeah, what is it?”
“Um…about destiny and stuff…”
“Okay…? Are you having a quarter-life crisis?”
“I- what?? Okay, no!”
“Alright alright, what is it? Is everything okay?”
Jongin sighs, flopping over his own crossed legs, hugging his niece super tight to his chest. “You know your uh- your heart map?”
“Are you still obsessing over that thing?”
“I just mean- well, you seem so happy! And I wanted to know…how did you know that this was it for you? Like 100% completion, you know?”
She looks really thoughtful for a second, then laughs, reaching out to ruffle Jongin’s hair. “Aigoo…my baby bro’s growing up but he’s still so stupid sometimes.”
Junmyeon averts his eyes, suddenly a little uncomfortable. He’s not bothered by the conversation topic but Jongin’s expression is hitting really close to home.
“Sometimes, you just know, little bro,” she says, “and it has nothing to do with the map or the compass or whatever it is you think destiny means. Look at her, just look at her! Is there anything more perfect?”
Jongin’s smile softens, making a funny face when his niece starts to touch his cheeks. “She really is perfect, isn’t she?”
“Yup. And that’s how I know.”
“And…what about…when you got married?”
Junmyeon peeks at them again, curious about the answer himself.
“That?” She laughs, such fondness in it. “You choose your happiness in life, Jongin-ah. Worry less about 100% and worry more about living your happiness.”
Jongin blushes, almost embarrassed. “But you’re happy, right? I want you to be happy.”
She sighs, crouching down to give her baby brother a big, tight hug. “I’m so happy, Jongin-ah. You know what makes love meaningful? When you choose it with your own hands and words, because then it’s all yours.” She turns her face to get real close, dropping her voice down to a whisper. “You of all people should understand, Jongin! You make your own destiny in this life!” She pulls back to look him in the eye, nodding her head in Junmyeon’s direction. “You sure you want your hyung to just sit there by himself all night?”
Junmyeon quickly looks back at his book when Jongin suddenly stands and walks over, clearly resolute about something after whatever it is he and his sister were whispering about.
“Hyung, um…”
“Hey, Jongin-ah,” he greets, hoping it’s casual. He can’t help that he’s already smiling, making space so that Jongin can sit close. “Your niece is so cute.”
“I know,” Jongin says with a huge grin, “thanks for coming to play with her, hyung.”
“Not at all, I’m so happy you invited me. I…thank you for spending your free time with me, Jongin-ah.”
“I like to,” Jongin replies gently, looking away at something, anything that isn’t Junmyeon’s face. It’s for the best-Junmyeon flushes a deep red, kicking himself mentally for getting so worked up about three simple words. He always goes off the deep end when he hears things like this, he always gets his hopes up…
“I like spending time with you too,” he mumbles, looking down at his hands, “I like our breakfasts together.”
Jongin’s heart nearly stops to hear that; he hadn’t thought Junmyeon really noticed or cared all that much. It was a conscious effort on Jongin’s part to get out of bed that early and while he doesn’t manage to do it every day, he tries to get out there as many mornings a week as he can, just to spend some real time with his hyung. Sometimes it’s only ten minutes before another member appears for breakfast, but those ten minutes never would’ve been carved out of the day for them otherwise.
“Um…” Junmyeon says, looking around uncertainly, relieved to see that Jongin’s sister has left them alone. She is so intuitive and awesome. “Wow, this is going to sound so weird, but I’ve always wanted to say th-thanks for staying with me for so long. I know I’m overbearing sometimes--”
“You’re not--”
“I am,” Junmyeon cuts back in, giving Jongin a warm smile, “and you’ve been there from the start, so you’ve gotten the worst of it for the longest out of anyone.” He has to look away again, cheeks warm. “Thanks for holding me up all these years, Jongin-ah. I know you’ve been worried about your heart map a lot recently and to be honest, that worries me too, but only because I’m worried it’ll take you somewhere far.”
Their heart maps indirectly led them to each other. What if Jongin’s is starting to lead him away again?
Jongin’s entire spine stiffens, stomach churning at the look on Junmyeon’s face. They don’t talk about it, none of them do because they cope in their own ways, but it’s obvious that Junmyeon feels the absence of loved ones very keenly. He rarely lets on when he’s upset but Jongin so desperately wants to be there for him.
“I’m not good at losing people I care about,” Junmyeon says, turning back to Jongin. There’s a fierceness in his eyes that makes Jongin’s tongue turn to sand. “If you have to go one day, then you have to, but please don’t go far from me, Jongin-ah.”
“Hyung, I won’t leave,” Jongin swears instantly, all his words seeming to come out misshapen. He’s so devastated and he doesn’t know why, but maybe it’s because Junmyeon looks like he’s already resigned himself to saying goodbye. “I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t leave you!”
Junmyeon’s face is hard and filled with such worry, and though it’s gone the next second, Jongin feels as if he’s lived that moment for an hour. It’s so rare for Junmyeon to show what he’s really feeling; he holds that mask to his face with both hands and a stubbornness borne of diamond. But for a moment, Jongin could see, and he’s strangled with despair at the thought that Junmyeon doesn’t trust him to stay.
“Exo needs you,” Junmyeon offers lamely, struggling to get himself under control.
“I- what?” Jongin demands, “that’s not what I’m--” He forces himself to stop, closing his eyes. “Nevermind, I--”
“I know,” Junmyeon interrupts, clenching his hands into fists so that they don’t shake, “I know what you mean to say, Jongin.”
Jongin turns to him sharply, startled. “You know?”
“Of course,” Junmyeon says, the last syllable breathless, like it hurts him to even say out loud, “but I’m scared to let anything change.” He pauses, then lets out a helpless, joyless laugh. “What am I talking about, things are changing anyway.”
“What?” Jongin feels like he’s just a half-step behind. “Wait, do you really know what I mean, hyung? I’m--”
Junmyeon reaches out for his hand, grasping it tight, squeezing it so hard that Jongin makes a sound and has to grab Junmyeon by the wrist. “Jongin-ah…look me in the face and tell me you don’t understand.”
The words are soft, calm, so Junmyeon-like that Jongin thinks they must be talking about something more neutral, less dangerous. But the look on Junmyeon’s face is so severe and serious that Jongin can’t ignore it; he understands it almost immediately now that he knows what to look for, and it’s bordering on impossible to accept. He couldn’t have been so caught up in his own feelings that he never recognized the same thing in Junmyeon all this time…could he?
It has to be right, though. Only love can make someone look so damn miserable.
“Really?” he breathes, not minding that he sounds like a dazzled little kid, “hyung, why didn’t you say anything? Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed, was I being really obvious?”
That finally gets a smile out of Junmyeon and Jongin is relieved to see it. “I don’t think I’m a good judge of subtle, anyway.”
“How long have you known?” Jongin’s heart is racing away in his chest, still in disbelief that they’re having this conversation. Junmyeon’s not freaking out, Junmyeon’s actually reciprocating. Jongin’s always felt that they’re extremely close but he hadn’t dared to put that sort of spin onto Junmyeon’s kindness towards him.
Junmyeon gives his hand another squeeze. “About a year now? I thought I was reading too much into things but…I don’t know, I know you too well to lie to myself. It’s…” he sighs, laughing quietly. “It’s what I want, anyway.”
Jongin leans in close enough to parse out every one of Junmyeon’s eyelashes. “So why don’t you want anything to change, hyung?” He bites the inside of his cheek, hot all over, adrenaline giving him such a headrush. “I want things to change, if that’s okay.”
Junmyeon tries to not make it obvious that he’s marveling at the sweet, brave young man in front of him, but he doesn’t think he manages. Jongin’s smiling at him and then he’s grinning and Junmyeon feels his cheeks heat up; he’s absolutely smitten with him. When did Jongin get so big and brave? He’s such a shy kid but he always says what he needs to say when he really needs to say them, doesn’t he?
“What if it doesn’t work out?” he asks, the protest sounding weak even to his own ears.
“Hyung,” Jongin says immediately, shaking his head, “but what if it does?”
That’s unfair, unwinnable logic.
It’s what Junmyeon wants to hear.
“You better move away a bit,” Junmyeon says, drowning in Jongin’s big, brown eyes, overwhelmed with how lost he is in all this. “I don’t know if I can stop myself from kissing you and I don’t want your sister walking in on me doing it.”
Jongin flushes deep red and pulls back immediately, his shyness winning out over his giddiness again. He sneaks a look at Junmyeon and a thrill shoots down his spine-Junmyeon’s staring at him with serious, naked, undivided attention, and Jongin wants to laugh and laugh and roll around on the ground with how it makes him feel.
Maybe this is what his sister was talking about. Maybe this is what it means to just know.
“You’re being really serious, hyung,” Jongin says nervously, twisting his fingers together in his lap.
“That’s because this is really serious to me, Jongin-ah.”
Jongin nods, still not making eye contact, observing the living room carpet with great intensity. “Should- should we go back soon?”
He feels a gentle touch to the back of his neck and it sends a million tingles skittering across his skin. Junmyeon’s fingers linger and brush through the hairs at his nape and Jongin has to bite his lip against a gasp, or even worse, a moan.
The moment is tense, charged, the intimacy of it making Jongin’s heart thud far too fast. It isn’t the first time Junmyeon’s touched him this way but it is the first time Jongin’s understanding all the meaning behind it. That makes a universe of difference.
“Mm, we should go,” Junmyeon says eventually, gaze still burning an inferno into the side of Jongin’s face, “shouldn’t sleep too late tonight.”
The pleasantries don’t take long and Junmyeon coos at Jongin’s niece until Jongin’s the one that has to tug him away. It was so lovely to be with them this evening; while they aren’t Junmyeon’s relatives by blood, it doesn’t make them any less family.
“Junmyeon-ah?” Jongin’s sister calls out at the last second.
He turns, one hand naturally resting on Jongin’s shoulder. “Yes, noona?”
She smiles at him, eyes glittering. “Thanks for taking care of Jonginnie, Junmyeon-ah. He’s dense but don’t give up on him.”
He blushes, but he understands. “Thank you, noona. I’ll do my best.”
Jongin shoots his sister a pouting glare, cheeks red, sticking his tongue out at her even as Junmyeon drags him to the elevator to go back to the dorms.
---
While they’re busier than ever with schedules and individual activities, Jongin makes a point of waking up early every single day to sit with Junmyeon before breakfast. They don’t bring up their unplanned, unbelievable conversation in Jongin’s sister’s house again, but Junmyeon’s touches do linger longer these days, and Jongin’s noticed just how much he stares. He’s not sure if he’s just not as oblivious as before or if it’s a result of Junmyeon censoring himself less-in which case, Jongin could cry thinking about how much he’s missed out on. Junmyeon is so super affectionate. There’s no end to the love he gives and Jongin is starved to taste all of it.
This morning, he’s especially sleepy, craving sleep more than chicken. But Junmyeon is here, bright and fresh like he always is, a hand slowly working through Jongin’s hair, so it isn’t all bad.
“We need to talk about something,” Junmyeon says gently, taking in Jongin’s sleepy face. His eyes are a bit puffy and he’s naturally pouting a little just because he wants to sleep more, but it’s sweetest that he hasn’t complained once about being up way earlier than he needs to be.
Jongin blinks a few times, turning his attention to Junmyeon, pulling his mug of hot tea a bit close. Junmyeon just made it for him and he bets it tastes extra good. “Hyung?”
“Mmm…you know your schedule for the next little bit?”
That gets Jongin sitting up a bit straighter. “Um, do you mean about LA?”
“Mmhmm.”
Jongin’s grip tightens around his tea. “That’s- that’s going to go so fast.” He’s nervous, hoping Junmyeon’s calm expression is a reflection of how he actually feels rather than a mask. “I’m going to go to Universal Studios if I can! I’ll bring back something good for you, hyung.”
Junmyeon smiles, giving Jongin’s hair a gentle tug. There’s an earnestness in Jongin’s face that makes his chest hurt. “Thanks, Jongin-ah. You don’t have to get me anything.”
Jongin nods, tilting his head a bit, relieved when Junmyeon drops the hand from his hair to wrap an arm around his waist. It’s nice to be this close, even if Jongin can’t quite manage to look him in the face.
“Want me to help you pack?” Junmyeon offers, rubbing absentmindedly at Jongin’s hip.
“Yeah.” Jongin shifts even closer, until his head is tilted on Junmyeon’s shoulder. Junmyeon smells so nice; clean and soft and like laundry, some light cologne that he always uses sparingly. He turns his face more into Junmyeon’s neck, swallowing hard. This is too intimate to be taken as innocent but they can’t keep their relationship the same; it needs to catch up physically to what it is emotionally or Jongin will really lose his mind.
That evening, after Jongin’s managed to convince Chanyeol and Kyungsoo to occupy themselves in the living room, he sits down with Junmyeon on the floor of his bedroom to figure out what to pack for LA. It’s like a bomb exploded-there are clothes everywhere, there’s somehow just boxers everywhere, and Jongin is super embarrassed when Junmyeon’s gaze lingers on the baby blue pair with all the duckies on it.
“It was a gift from my mom,” he explains without prompting, folding another shirt to put into his carry-on only to pull it back out.
“I didn’t say anything…”
Jongin’s cheeks burn, pouting at the teasing smile on Junmyeon’s face. “Ahhh hyung! I have no idea what to bring.”
Junmyeon sighs and moves next to him, wrapping an arm around his waist again. They spend a few moments in peaceful silence, leaning back against Chanyeol’s bed, feet knocking together now and again amidst the battlefield of Jongin’s clothes strewn all over the floor.
Junmyeon turns to look at him, leaning in before Jongin can react to kiss him on the corner of the mouth. “You could bring me.”
There have obviously been moments in Jongin’s life where something has been so surprising, so unbelievable that he barely dares to believe them. The moment he got accepted into SM. The force with which he loved his niece the first time he reached out and her tiny, strong fist closed around his ring finger. The first time he realized that his heart map’s ultimately been trying to lead him to Junmyeon for years, not just SM.
“I’ll be back before you know it, hyung, really,” he breathes. His insides ache; he desperately wants Junmyeon to believe in him, that he’s as serious about all this as Junmyeon is.
“I know,” Junmyeon says, because he does. But he does have crippling insecurity when it comes to people leaving him, and it’s not all so unfounded. He hates that every trip Jongin takes now feels like the sign of the beginning of the end. “I just miss you already.” He blushes, embarrassed by the confession. “You must be so sick of this ridiculous hyung, hm?”
Jongin barely manages another second of looking at Junmyeon’s helpless smile before he’s launching himself forward, grabbing the back of Junmyeon’s shirt to keep himself there. He hugs Junmyeon the way he used to when he was a little kid, when he thought that hugs actually would make things a bit better in the world if he just believed hard enough. He understands that Junmyeon feels defeated by inevitability a lot, that he still fights on despite that, but everyone gets tired sometimes, and everyone needs reassurance and help and an extra helping of love, sometimes.
“I’m never going to be sick of you,” Jongin swears, sure of it, his words muffled into where he’s got his face buried in Junmyeon’s chest. “Please believe me, hyung.”
“Oh Jongin-ah, I do.” Junmyeon hides his face in Jongin’s hair, squeezing him tight.
“I love you, hyung,” Jongin says weakly, not the first time he’s said those words with the way he means, but the first time he’s said them with the knowledge that Junmyeon really understands. It doesn’t send him in a panic the way he thought it would, but it still makes him nervous and shy. He closes his eyes, reveling in the way Junmyeon holds him, like he’s so precious.
Junmyeon sighs, fingers skimming along the back of Jongin’s neck again. Maybe he’s lightheaded from vindication or exhaustion or plain old being in love, but he’s drunk off of how it feels. “I love you too, Jongin-ah.”
They embrace until Jongin’s leg falls asleep, and even then, Jongin slots his hand into Junmyeon’s almost immediately when they break apart, totally unproductive for packing.
“If your mom gave you those, you should pack them,” Junmyeon suggests, running his thumb across the back of Jongin’s hand. “They’re very…stylish.”
“Hyunnng!” Jongin complains, groaning.
“I’m just saying, the ducks are cute. Oh, and don’t forget to call me once you’re in LA. You’re going to be crazy busy but I still want to hear how you’re doing.”
“Stupid hyung, like I could forget to call you.”
“Yah, who are you calling stupid?”
“You!” Jongin replies immediately, grinning, “I’m going to skype you at unexpected times just to annoy you.”
Junmyeon laughs, giving Jongin’s hand a squeeze. “You’re lucky you know how much you can get away with with me, Kim Jongin! And here I was, trying not to play favorites for so many years.”
Jongin grins even wider, feeling fuzzy all over from the inside out to see the relaxed, happy smile on Junmyeon’s face. He usually worries so much that he has a permanent crease between his eyebrows and Jongin is glad it’s not there now.
They look at each other, the moment stretching until Jongin decides it’s gone on long enough. He’s nervous but it also feels long overdue when he slowly leans in to kiss Junmyeon properly on the mouth; it’s what he’s been wanting to do for years. Thankfully, Junmyeon reciprocates immediately, reaching a hand around the back of his neck to keep him still.
Slowly, the sweet, innocent kiss deepens into something a bit more befitting of their relationship. Jongin sighs into their kisses, eyelashes fluttering but ultimately unable to open his eyes.
Junmyeons lips are soft, coaxing, wet and warm against his mouth. Kissing feels so nice-it’s just so nice. Jongin moans quietly, shivering when he swallows Junmyeon’s answering moan in return. He tilts his head for more access, brushing his tongue against Junmyeon’s, the hot drag of his lips making Jongin want to squirm in place. Oh god, Junmyeon could ask literally anything of him right now and Jongin would do it happily. Maybe he ought to start waking up even earlier for breakfast so he and Junmyeon can make out every day just to start the day off nice.
“Mmff, wait,” Junmyeon says, interrupting Jongin’s eager thoughts, half-gasping his words as he turns his head. “I think I heard Sehunnie calling for me.”
“Ignore him,” Jongin groans, leaving kisses all over Junmyeon’s cheek and jaw.
“Don’t tempt me, Jongin-ah. You finish packing while I go check on him, okay?”
“No.”
Junmyeon sighs, all affection, giving Jongin one last peck. He has to admit-it’s really, really great when Jongin’s entire body follows after his mouth when he pulls back, his expression clearly one of desperate want. Maybe they can find some time to make out more later…Junmyeon’s not such a saint that he wouldn’t sacrifice Jongin’s sleep for more of his attention.
Jongin eventually lets his ever responsible leader go with great reluctance, sighing wistfully to be left alone. He’s always had Junmyeon at his side, longer now than he can remember being without him, but it’s different to be on the level they’re on. He wants to be with Junmyeon all the time, he wants to see him all the time-it’s stupid, it’s embarrassing, but even when Junmyeon is with him, he misses him all the same. It’s going to be really different going to LA on his own.
“Oh, Jongin-ah?” Junmyeon says, turning back even as he’s halfway out the door.
“Hyung?”
“I love you.” Junmyeon smiles, the one that makes his eyes curve to nothing, a thousand watts of sunshine beamed in Jongin’s direction.
Well, that’s not very fair. There are few things in the world that make Jongin squirm but that is definitely one of them.
He doesn’t even have an excuse ready when Kyungsoo wanders into the room later for his charger, only to find Jongin sprawled out on the floor, half covered among a mess of underwear and socks, the silliest grin on his face.
---
“Hyunnnng,” Jongin complains, pulling the phone close to his face, “the flight was sooooo long.”
“Poor Jonginnie,” Junmyeon sympathizes, pouting for his sake. “Was the airplane food at least good?”
Although the connection is good and clear, Jongin can’t help but feel a bit lost to hear the distance between LA and Seoul. It’s that brief lag, the slightly hollow tone that digital connection renders everyone’s voices, but Jongin never realized he could feel it as keenly as he does now. He misses Junmyeon a lot more than he had been expecting.
“Hey, you’ll be okay,” Junmyeon says gently, smiling at him. Even across an ocean, Junmyeon can apparently read him like an open book. “You’ll be back in no time, right?”
“Yeah…” Jongin mumbles, curling up a bit more in bed. He’s exhausted but he’s too restless to sleep and he’s been wanting to skype Junmyeon all day. “Wish you were here though, I could really use your help with all this English.”
Junmyeon laughs and that makes Jongin smile. Junmyeon’s obviously in the kitchen and he moves around now and then to get food, but otherwise, he’s got all his attention on Jongin.
There really isn’t that much to talk about but that’s how it is with a relationship on the cusp of a decade. They chat a bit about mundane things and schedules but Jongin’s only doing this to spend some time together. Maybe time spent together in silence is the truest indication of love, anyway, because that’s when it speaks the loudest.
He fumbles out his tattered heart map from his jeans pocket, careful to keep it out of view from his phone camera.
“Hyung,” he says, eyes on the map, “I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” Junmyeon answers immediately, no hesitation or embarrassment in it. That’s what Jongin had expected anyway-Junmyeon doesn’t hide these things from him anymore. “I love you, Jongin-ah.”
Junmyeon’s reply is exactly what Jongin had predicted. He smiles, unsurprised but still so vindicated by what he sees. He’s far from home, far from what he knows, far from the place he realized so many of his dreams. The red dot of his heart was far, far away from the black dot at the center of the map when he first landed, but now it’s glitching like mad, bouncing between a corner of the page and the very center, clearly confused about where it should settle.
That’s the thing about modern technology; there are always ways to outsmart older ones. He’s known for longer than he cares to admit how important Junmyeon is to him.
“What are you looking so pleased about?” Junmyeon asks, curious about the smile on Jongin’s face. He looks relieved, almost.
“Remember when you mentioned I was looking at my heart map a lot recently?”
Junmyeon grows serious immediately. “Did something happen?”
“No, don’t worry,” Jongin says softly, smiling. “It’s always been the same for me for a long time, just circling the black dot, you know? I got really hung up on it I guess, like I wasn’t doing everything I should’ve been.”
Junmyeon sighs, tapping his phone screen since he can’t touch Jongin the way he wants. “Always the last 1%, right?”
“Right. But now I’m here, and I’m looking at it, and it’s so stupid, I’ve always known what I’ve wanted without this stupid thing telling me. Like, I am way ahead of this stupid map anyway, what do I even need it for?”
Junmyeon seems surprised by the surety in which Jongin says that, tilting his head. “Jongin?”
“Ah, it’s nothing,” Jongin says with a laugh, turning his attention back to Junmyeon. “This is just my crappy way of saying I really miss you, hyung.”
Junmyeon laughs again, blushing prettily and very pleased. “Go to bed, kid! Sleep deprivation is making you all mushy.”
Jongin pouts. “What, you don’t like it?”
“Silly Jonginnie,” Junmyeon says, sighing the words, “I like it too much. That’s why you need to go to bed, because I can’t actually touch you right now and you’re going to drive me crazy with how badly I want to.”
Jongin blushes for a long time even after he hangs up. He’s always taken Junmyeon’s words to heart the most; he wants to see Junmyeon so badly he could burst with it. For now, all he can do is lie in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and let his heart thunder away for Junmyeon.
---
His trip to LA really does pass fast. Each day is so packed and busy that Jongin barely has time to think of anything else, and by the time he lands back in Korea, it doesn’t even seem real. It’s great to be home, though; he has so many souvenirs to give to people!
“Need any help unpacking?” Junmyeon asks while they’re snuggled together in bed, curtains drawn to darken the room. It’s actually mid-afternoon but neither of them has anything to do, so they’re doing what they’ve been wanting to for ages. He’s playing with Jongin’s hair again, tugging and stroking, enjoying the way Jongin will hum his name and nuzzle into his neck.
Jongin arches in a stretch before winding his limbs tightly around Junmyeon’s body again, squeezing a little too hard on purpose just to hear Junmyeon groan. “I can do it later. Hyung, did you miss me?”
“You are such a cheeky kid, you know that?” Junmyeon asks, laughing. He gives Jongin’s butt a light pat. “Obviously I did!”
“Good,” Jongin mumbles, “I missed you, too. Lost my appetite and everything, wrote some dark poetry, could barely get myself out of bed in the mor--”
“Oh god, you brat.”
“But you love me most, right, hyung?” Jongin asks while he laughs, smiling so hard his cheeks hurt. Junmyeon seriously puts up with a lot of his shit; how did Jongin never see how strong his bias was before all this?
Junmyeon smiles in return, giving him a sweet kiss that Jongin tries not to melt too visibly in. “Yes, Jongin-ah, I love you most.”
Jongin is satisfied with that answer. He hugs Junmyeon tight, eight years of history behind them, an infinite amount of moments in the years still lying ahead. There are so many things to look forward to with Junmyeon at his side.
“I love you, too, Junmyeon-hyung.” Jongin whispers, smiling.
---
Two days after Jongin is back from LA, everyone in the dorm gets a real startle when their smoke detector goes off in the early morning. Junmyeon rushes out to the kitchen with his toothbrush still in his mouth, wide-eyed and worried. Chanyeol is flapping chair cushions at their smoke detector while Jongdae’s running around opening all the windows for ventilation, but Jongin is just standing at the sink, a small blaze going on inside, smoke swirling up into the air.
He looks calm so at least Junmyeon knows he’s got things under control, but he cannot fathom why Jongin’s burning anything.
“Mmm…” he hums uncertainly, wrapping an arm around Jongin’s hip.
“I’m burning it,” Jongin explains, leaning just a bit into Junmyeon’s side. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
Junmyeon watches the edges of Jongin’s heart map turn black and curl, burning away in front of his eyes. It’s mesmerizing, how final this decision is-Junmyeon’s head spins at what this means. There won’t be another map, there is no taking this back, and Central certainly doesn’t take kindly to deliberate destruction of property.
Jongin is that certain of him. Jongin is that set on him.
Wordlessly, Junmyeon slips away, going to his room to rummage through his underwear drawer. When he reappears at Jongin’s side, it’s to toss his own heart map in, still folded up and unseen the way it has been for years.
“Ahhh, hyung!!” Chanyeol cries, looking over at the reignited blaze in their kitchen sink with dread. “Yah, Sehunnie!! Come out here and help me with these cushions, my arms are getting tired!”
“Are you serious right now,” Kyungsoo demands, finally poking his head in to witness whatever disaster is going on. “Can you guys go be married somewhere that isn’t the kitchen sink? I use that, you know.”
Jongin hears him but he isn’t listening. He’s too busy being in love with Junmyeon, so overwhelmed by it that he doesn’t even know how to express it anymore.
He made up his mind about the map in LA, though he’d been thinking about it for months before then. It wasn’t just about Junmyeon-having that thing around didn’t make him happy, because it always seemed like it was telling him not to be satisfied even though he didn’t feel that way. He already has everything he wants. This is everything he can imagine wanting and he doesn’t need some outdated piece of paper telling him that anything less than 100% isn’t enough. He chooses Junmyeon above all else, against all the what ifs and maybes of an unknown future, and he knows with certainty that Junmyeon feels the same.
His sister was right; love is just a chemical reaction, a crazy clash of hormones and insanity-it’s choice that gives it meaning.
“You didn’t have to do that, hyung,” Jongin says shyly, unable to hide how pleased he is.
“I know,” Junmyeon replies, smiling back at him, “but I wanted to. I’ve always been sure about you.”
---
this fic was written from apocryphalic's wonderful idea of heart maps and destiny. i didn't do it any justice though because i never know what i'm doing HA HA HA wow it's 2am
it was gonna be AU but clearly i'm still hung up on bandfic OTL
THEY ARE JUST SO CUTE IT HURTS ME!!!
UGHHHH so cuddly ♥
let's all continue making the world sukai beautified ( ˘ ³˘)❤
thanks as always for reading! :D