all the love songs
all the love songs
suho/kai
nc-17
when the problem is lack of intimacy, the best solution is to get intimate.
---
Careful, Kim Jongin, things tend to unravel when you pull on frayed threads.
---
Sensitivity is not Jongin’s number one strong point, though he likes to think he isn’t a living, breathing definition of oblivious, either. Sometimes he catches onto things a couple steps too late, but usually that’s okay too, and it’s only rarely that Junmyeon actually gets upset with him. Even then, it’s about never that Junmyeon actually stays upset with him, partly because Jongin is properly sorry about it, but maybe mostly because Jongin knows how to squirm his way out of binds with someone he knows loves him more than he should.
But, sometimes, Jongin doesn’t see everything he should until it’s too late, and while Junmyeon doesn’t stay mad, there’s always a little bit of shine that goes out of his smile when their eyes meet. Jongin really has to think about that one.
---
Relationships aren’t perfect. That’s the point, to grow together, and Junmyeon’s always been happy to fight and hurt and learn and grow from it, because strength is carved out of failure.
He gave up most of his pride the day he realized what joining SM meant.
He gave up most of his selfishness the day he split his personal ambition into twelve more or less equal parts.
And with Jongin…well, he gave up most of his jealousy the day he had that dreadful epiphany that he was in love with him, though that’s clearly a lesson he still has to revisit every day.
It’s not that they’re fighting, they just haven’t been close in a while. He doesn’t even mean it emotionally; they get on better than they ever have with each passing day. But it’s as friends, as teammates, as coworkers, and Junmyeon sometimes goes to bed at night wondering, we’re together, right? We are, right?
Jealousy. Envy. Stewing in them certainly doesn’t help, but when he’s a little too exhausted to pull up that trained, perfected smile, when he’s a little too lonely to look at Jongin’s face without cringing, resentment curdles sour and heavy in his belly.
Of course Jongin is allowed to be close to others. Of course Jongin should have friends he loves like family. Of course Junmyeon wants that for him, to be happy, to be loved, because Jongin deserves all of that.
He just can’t stop wondering more and more and more these days where exactly he falls on that list of people that Jongin loves. He used to think he was near the top of that list, but they’ve been so busy lately, they haven’t had any time together, and love needs nurturing.
“See you guys, I’m going out for dinner with Taeminnie,” Jongin says, already halfway out the door. Chanyeol waves halfheartedly, engrossed in trying to learn how to make a good jjigae from Kyungsoo, and because Junmyeon says nothing, no one actually says bye to him.
It doesn’t matter, though. Jongin makes time for the things he wants to do, for the people he wants to see, and he gets to see Junmyeon all the time anyway, so what business does Junmyeon have getting jealous about it?
---
“Hey, it’s good to actually see you,” Taemin says, settled back in their private booth. Jongin’s just ordered about half the menu and Taemin has to wonder if he hasn’t eaten yet for the day. “You sure you have the time right now though?”
“Honestly, no,” Jongin replies, laughing, “but what’ll I do if I don’t squeeze some time out to see you? You’d just whine about it eventually.”
“Idiot, I would not.” Taemin rests his chin in his palm, looking at the bruises under Jongin’s eyes. “How’s everyone holding up?”
“Junmyeon-hyung’s kind of stressed, but he’s fine,” Jongin answers automatically. He pokes his kimchi, looking up eventually when Taemin doesn’t reply. “What?”
Taemin smiles at him, that one where he clearly knows something but isn’t going to tell him, the exact one that grinds a grater down every one of Jongin’s nerves. “Maybe you’re the source of his stress?”
“Probably.”
“Wow, didn’t expect you to come out of denial that quickly.”
Jongin shrugs. “He’s been kind of weird lately.”
“Weird how?”
“Just different.” Jongin runs a hand through his hair, pushing it all out of his face so he can catch a breath he can never seem to take in fully. “Hard to explain. It’s the way he smiles.”
“No, that hasn’t changed,” Taemin says immediately, raising an eyebrow at him, “though maybe it has with you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Dunno.” The food comes and Taemin grins at him, clearly delighted by the pissy glare being beamed at him. “Maybe he’s just tired of you.”
“Yah,” Jongin says, though nothing good comes after.
“Like I said,” Taemin teases, “maybe it’s just you. Favorites don’t always last forever.”
“Just shut up and eat,” Jongin grumbles, stabbing at a piece of chicken to stuff it in his mouth.
In all, he’s gone and back to the dorms before two hours are even up, a pretty fast dinner considering it’s him and Taemin, but it’s all the time he really thought he should be taking out. Almost everyone is already in bed or getting ready for it, but Jongin walks back in to find Junmyeon sitting on the sofa in the living room, watching the news.
“How was dinner?” he asks, giving Jongin a small smile.
It’s that one. It’s different again. “It was good,” Jongin answers, walking to the sofa but not sitting down. He feels a little unbalanced somehow and he doesn’t even have alcohol to blame on it.
“Mm. Good.” Junmyeon’s eyes linger on him but they slide off when Jongin shifts. He turns off the TV and stands, pausing, not facing Jongin but not facing away, either. “Thanks for coming back early.”
“Yeah, schedule,” Jongin says dumbly, freezing awkwardly when Junmyeon reaches out to ruffle his hair the way he used to when they were much, much younger.
Junmyeon’s eyes linger on his face again, carefully blank the way Jongin really dislikes, but he says nothing more than a good night before walking away.
For a while, Jongin stands in the living room, looking around, mouth pulled down without being aware of it. Then, it hits him quickly, clear and fast and jolts guilt straight through to his stomach.
Shit, he was waiting for me--
But there’s nothing he can do about that now, and Jongin silently twists his fingers together before he resolutely goes to bed himself.
---
Sometime after knowing about debut with Jongin but sometime before Exo getting finalized, Junmyeon locked himself in the dance practice room with Jongin and told him how he felt.
He wasn’t unconfident about it. Jongin leaned into his space too much by then for even Junmyeon to misinterpret what it meant, and Jongin didn’t exactly make it a secret that he wasn’t so good with closeness and aegyo with hyungs. Just Junmyeon, just a healthy amount of whining, just a healthy amount of hugs, just a healthy amount of shy, quick smiles that always left Junmyeon grinning for hours.
The way Jongin’s face had looked then, all fire truck red and eyes the shape of dinner plates, his lower lip caught between his teeth.
“I like you, Kim Jongin,” Junmyeon had repeated, completely red himself, but also so at peace with it.
Jongin hadn’t said anything to him, he only took Junmyeon’s hand and squeezed it until Junmyeon thought his bones would pop out of their sockets, but that was fine with him. He’ll never forget the following morning, weighed down with sleep and a toothbrush in his mouth in the bathroom, and Jongin had run in to leave a drive-by I like you so much, Junmyeon-hyung with his mouth pressed to Junmyeon’s ear before sprinting off. Junmyeon had smiled and smiled and swallowed his toothpaste and he didn’t care; what was there to care about when Kim Jongin was willing to hold his heart in his hands and promise not to squeeze too hard?
Junmyeon opens his eyes to stare at the ceiling, chest tight. He hasn’t dreamt about that day for a long time. It’s strange, how not knowing about the future makes him turn back to the past. Jongin used to say it’s a bad habit of his, to dwell and stall in the face of uncertainty, but he hasn’t been around enough lately to even say it to him this time.
Sighing, he drags himself out of bed before he can wallow in his own self-pity any longer, nearly jumping out of his skin when he swings the door open only to have Jongin’s knuckles nearly meet his face.
“Oh my g--”
“Christ, hyung!” Jongin whisper-yells, eyes wide, “you scared me half to death.”
“Says the person lurking behind a closed door!” Junmyeon shoots back, palm pressed hard against the unsteady thumping in his chest. “Everything okay?” He turns and looks at the digital clock next to Sehun’s bed. “Can’t sleep again?”
“Uh, no,” Jongin says, stepping back so Junmyeon can close his bedroom door. He wants more privacy for this. “Just wanted to see you.”
That’s…odd. Junmyeon gives him a sideways look, slowly making his way to the kitchen, very keenly aware of Jongin’s presence behind him. “Is everything really okay?”
“Um…yeah,” Jongin says unconvincingly, consistently hovering a few inches from Junmyeon’s body no matter where he goes. Junmyeon goes to make coffee, Jongin follows him to the coffee machine. Junmyeon goes to set out a few bowls for breakfast, Jongin grabs cutlery along the way. Junmyeon stops at the sink to turn and raise an eyebrow at him, Jongin stops a step in front of him and fidgets, something clearly on his mind.
“Jongin,” Junmyeon sighs, putting his hands on his hips.
Jongin leans in wordlessly and kisses him on the mouth, fast and firm. It catches Junmyeon off guard enough that he doesn’t get a chance to react before Jongin’s pulling away again, leaving Jongin with a clear sense of disappointment and tightness in his ribcage.
Spontaneity’s never been a problem before. Why does Junmyeon seem so bewildered?
“…Jongin,” Junmyeon says again eventually, not smiling the way Jongin had thought he would. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Jongin says, stubborn and starting to get embarrassed, “just thought it’s been a while.”
Maybe he’s just tired and irritable. Maybe he’s just been too lonely for too long. Either way, Junmyeon’s not feeling all that charitable. “It has been a while.”
Jongin shoots him an uncertain look, not at all comforted by the careful lack of expression on Junmyeon’s face. He didn’t feel good about Junmyeon waiting on him last night and he thought about making it up to him a little this morning, even though it wasn’t really his fault that Junmyeon had waited. He hadn’t asked him to. Junmyeon had done that on his own, because he’s always been a little neurotic and overbearing, because he pays Jongin too much attention, because-
Because he really loves you, you asshole.
Jongin feels guilt wrench through him again, making his shoulders bunch up high. “Are you upset with me, hyung?” he forces himself to ask.
Junmyeon closes his eyes, hating that Jongin had to pose it that way. Jongin is asking him because he really wants to know, he’s not doing anything wrong, but this is also how Jongin gets out of everything with him. It’s in Junmyeon’s nature to forgive and not complain and it drives him crazy that he can’t stand to make Jongin upset.
“I’m just tired, Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon answers gently, after the silence between them stretches beyond the point of acceptable.
Jongin stares at him, not moving or saying a thing. He hears Junmyeon’s words just fine but all he can think about is Taemin’s; maybe he’s just tired of you.
“Can I do anything to make you less tired?” Jongin pushes, not wanting to give up that easily. Junmyeon’s fought for them a lot more than Jongin has, Junmyeon always seemed happy to do it, but Jongin understands he needs to do it once in a while when it really matters.
Maybe, though, it always really matters.
Junmyeon gives him another small smile, not all there. “Sorry about earlier,” he says, avoiding the question none too gracefully, “you just caught me off guard, that’s all.” Junmyeon steps into Jongin’s space and puts a hand on his hip, the other reaching around to cup the back of his neck.
While there’s a lot more to be said, Jongin wants a kiss before he ever wants to talk. He lets Junmyeon do it properly, sinks into it, parting his lips in a quiet sigh to feel Junmyeon’s tongue press gently to his. Junmyeon tilts his head to deepen the kiss and Jongin ends up draped all over him, encircling him, suddenly wanting to be near him more than any emotion he’s felt in the last few months combined.
He forgets sometimes how right this feels. There’s so much going on in their lives all the time that all the free hours get spliced down to squeeze out every possible second. There are so many people Jongin doesn’t get to see on a regular basis that he would love to and he has no choice but to fit them into the hours between schedules.
It’s been a while since he and Junmyeon have been intimate, or even kissed, and it’s making him really pause now because he can’t actually remember the last time they did. It couldn’t have been so long ago, right? Surely, Junmyeon would’ve said something to him before now?
Jongin tightens his hold on Junmyeon, pushing forward to press him against the sink. Junmyeon’s grip is strong on his hip, angling him into himself at the core, his kiss spiking in heat. His lips are soft and tongue hot and Jongin only wants more of his mouth, wants more of Junmyeon’s fingers making a mess of his hair. Wow, it really has been a long time. Jongin can feel arousal pooling in his thighs already; it’s really been a long time since the last time.
A deep, shaking moan works its way past Jongin’s throat, but it’s also that that makes Junmyeon suddenly pull away from him. He falls into Junmyeon’s chest, dazed from their kissing and confused by the sudden loss of it, bewildered by the fact that Junmyeon just…stopped.
“Go get ready, everyone will be up soon,” Junmyeon says into his ear, quiet and distant.
What the hell? “Hyung--”
“No, Jongin,” Junmyeon says, pulling away from him completely. The extraction seems to happen in slow motion, almost comedic in how long every second takes-Jongin feels himself go cold bit by bit, everywhere Junmyeon was touching.
As mean and guilty as it makes him feel, Junmyeon doesn’t want to be doing this. Well, he does, but not if Jongin’s just pent up and horny, not if Junmyeon’s just a convenient afterthought.
Jongin worries on his lip as he steps back, gnawing hard, unconsciously wrapping his arms around his own tummy. “Can we maybe talk later then?” he tries, heart pounding in his chest. Something is seriously wrong-Junmyeon never says no to him like that, not so point blank without some sort of compromise afterward. He can to Chanyeol, to Baekhyun, to anyone else, but never to Jongin.
He knows he’s always been special. He doesn’t want to not be special anymore.
Panic claws up his throat, the realization too sudden and clear. He’s terrified to not be special to Junmyeon anymore.
There’s a whole list of people he’s been wanting to see, to spend time with, things to do, places to go, and it’s all just cleared up.
“Sure, later,” Junmyeon says, not meeting his eyes. It’s going to be a lot better to love Jongin today from afar, where Jongin can’t hurt him so easy. “Can you please help me set out the rest of the bowls?”
“Yeah, hyung,” Jongin answers, quiet and hoping it doesn’t sound as breathless as he feels. Fix this now, do it now, it obviously can’t wait for later anymore, his brain broadcasts on red alert, but Jongin’s locked up with uncertainty.
“I think Chanyeollie wanted us to have the jjigae he made yesterday for breakfast.”
“Okay, hyung.”
“Help me get the jjigae from the fridge?”
“Sure, hyung.”
Junmyeon clenches his jaw, turning away from Jongin and his nervous glances, doing his best to ignore the hot burn in the center of his chest. Jongin only reverts back to obedience like this when he’s scared, he’s never grown out of reacting this way from the age of 14, though it takes a lot to get cool, unflappable Jongin to this point these days. Junmyeon really, really despises himself for having caused it.
How’s that for love? What good can he even claim to do for Jongin when this is the sort of love he has to show for it?
---
They don’t talk. Junmyeon really is tired and Jongin is exhausted by the end of the day too, so it doesn’t take much to convince everyone to just go to bed. They’re in the middle of preparation for their comeback; there really is no time for anything else.
A week passes with Junmyeon not really avoiding Jongin but not going out of his way to talk to him either. There’s nothing wrong with them, they’re such good friends and coworkers; that simply has to take precedence over whatever emotional crisis Junmyeon is apparently having with himself. Jongin’s been extremely quiet this past week, noticeably so, and he’s been staring a lot at Junmyeon too, but it’s not so out of the ordinary that any of the others have found it out of place.
Junmyeon is tidying up the kitchen by himself when Minseok finds him and proves his assumption wrong.
“Junmyeon-ah,” he says, leaning against the fridge.
“Hey,” Junmyeon greets, looking around just to make sure no one else is near. Minseok so rarely seeks him out with that level, serious look on his face, but when he does, Junmyeon always makes sure to really listen.
“About Jongin,” he says, cutting straight through to Junmyeon’s vulnerability, “you need to go easy on him.”
Junmyeon takes a deep breath and holds it, forcing all defensive words back down his throat. “Am I being too hard on him?”
“You see him every single day,” Minseok says, though his expression is sympathetic, “he’s just a kid, Junmyeon-ah. You need to tell him things to his face because he doesn’t get it. He’s never had to.”
Well he should, if he really cared. The thought is bitter and sour with resentment; Junmyeon does away with it as quickly as it comes. “I know, I understand,” he says instead, shaking his head, “I’m just being stupid.”
“No,” Minseok says immediately, giving him a sideways smile, “I think you’re human, just like everybody else.”
---
Kyungsoo looks up from his phone when someone knocks on their bedroom door. “Oh, Minseok-hyung,” he greets, sitting up a bit straighter. “What’s up?”
“Yah, Kim Jongin,” Minseok says, his head poked in to give their almost-magnae a pretty stern look, “your stuff’s in the kitchen. Hurry up and go sort it out.”
---
Jongin sits quietly to Junmyeon’s left at the kitchen table, his body tilted sideways so he can gently press a knee to Junmyeon’s outer thigh. It isn’t much in terms of contact but he’ll settle for anything at this point, especially after a week of Junmyeon flat out ignoring him. It’s not quite that, Jongin knows Junmyeon is too soft for that, but it came pretty damn close, close enough that Jongin’s only had time to feel like shit about himself.
“You doing okay lately?” Junmyeon asks, staring at the table in front of him. Jongin had come running into the kitchen less than two minutes after Minseok had gone, some variation of panic all over his face.
“I can’t sleep right,” Jongin replies immediately, “you seem really tired too, hyung.”
“So, you haven’t been going out much.” Junmyeon doesn’t really want to talk about how he’s doing. He’s afraid all the petty jealousy will bubble out of him and he’s too old to be acting like that, especially with someone he supposedly cares about.
Jongin ducks his head; he’s known Junmyeon for too long to not hear the things he doesn’t say. “I was hoping we could spend some time together.”
Finally, finally, Junmyeon turns to look at him. He looks serious for a second but then his face gives way to a smile, a Junmyeon smile, the kind that Junmyeon usually saves just for him, and Jongin’s throat closes up so fast he surprises even himself.
“Hyung,” he chokes out, fingers curling into fists before he throws his arms around Junmyeon’s middle. Maybe squeezing the stuffing out of Junmyeon won’t fix all his problems, but he can’t know that until he tries, right?
“Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon says, laughing quietly, the delight obvious in his voice. It just makes Jongin hug him harder, face squished to Junmyeon’s shoulder. “Jongin-ah…I’m sorry we haven’t had much time together lately.”
“Stop apologizing for things that aren’t your fault,” Jongin mumbles, half off his chair just to hug Junmyeon closer. “Hey, hyung? Do you…um, remember that first time we kissed in the dance practice room?” His face flames as he asks it, such an embarrassingly intimate question to be asking.
“Yeah, of course,” Junmyeon says, turning red himself, “why?”
“Um, do you remember how you said you’d take care of me no matter what?”
Mortification hits Junmyeon like a hotflash, but at the same time, he’s kind of cheesily proud of himself for having said it to Jongin so point-blank back then. “You remember it better than I thought you would.” Tension drains from him with each word, the pressure valve loosening now that Jongin’s all warm and whole in his arms. “What’s up, Jongin-ah?”
Jongin abandons his chair completely in favor of wiggling himself into Junmyeon’s lap, ignoring the exaggerated groans Junmyeon huffs into his ear about carrying all his weight. “I just want to say- I know it’s late, I’m always so late, but I’m going to take care of you, too, hyung. No matter what.”
For a while, neither of them says anything. There’s such a fierce clench in Junmyeon’s chest, some mix of admiration and shame and smitten attachment.
“I’m the one that’s been wearing you out, right?” Jongin asks quietly, though it’s not really a question. He slowly pulls away from their embrace, staring at Junmyeon’s mouth until he can work up the courage to look him in the eyes. “Your smile’s been different.”
“My smile?” Junmyeon asks, surprise all over his face. He touches his cheek self-consciously, stomach fluttering when Jongin immediately reaches out to hold that hand in his own.
Jongin shrugs, embarrassed. “It’s the way you look at me sometimes.”
Junmyeon smiles up at him, more out of helplessness than humor. “Jongin,” he says quietly, “I look at you all the time, how do you not know that?”
Fuck. Shit. Jongin’s face burns and he hides it in Junmyeon’s neck again, fingers clenched into fists in the back of Junmyeon’s shirt. “I don’t want us to break up!” he blurts out, voice shaking dangerously. “I know I’m not always nice and I don’t notice everything I should, but that’s because you’re so nice to me all the time, hyung! I don’t know that I’m doing something wrong because you never get mad at--”
“Jongin,” Junmyeon interrupts. He swallows around the ball in his throat, standing at the crossroads within himself. Sometimes, the problem isn’t about love. It’s about everything else. “I won’t ask you for more than you can give. I’ll always love you no matter what.”
“That’s not the same,” Jongin whispers urgently. This can’t really be happening. “Y-you said you’d take care of me no matter what, I know you don’t have to be with me to love me, but I want you to take care of me, too. Please, hyung?”
“How long have we been together, Jongin-ah?”
“Four years, going on five.” The answer is immediate, though Jongin’s voice is powerless, not much more than a flat breath.
Junmyeon’s hurting him. He knows he’s hurting him.
“That’s a long time at our ages,” Junmyeon says, gently rocking Jongin in his arms, “you’re allowed to change, and you have. Sometimes what you want changes too, and that’s okay too, you know?”
Jongin pulls away from him then, face twisted with despair that doesn’t look too different from anger. “Why do you get to decide what I want?”
“I don’t,” Junmyeon hurries to say, faltering under Jongin’s gaze. He’s made Jongin really upset. “I’m just saying it’s okay--”
“It’s not!” Jongin interrupts, voice harder than steel, “I don’t want anyone that’s not you, why won’t you listen!?”
“You have a funny way of showing it then!” Junmyeon snaps, regretting it the instant it leaves his mouth. Jongin recoils from him in shock and hurt, eyes wide and lips parted to form soundless words. “Fuck,” he swears, grabbing onto Jongin, forcing him still despite Jongin showing no signs of moving, “Jongin-ah, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for snapping at you. I don’t want to break up either, that isn’t even what I’m suggesting, Christ.” Junmyeon runs a hand through his hair, stressed beyond belief, his insides aching so bad it feels like he’ll fall right apart. “I’m such an asshole. You drive me crazy, you know that?”
“…You still love me, right, hyung?” Jongin asks, voice tiny. His eyes are big and filmy, and he seems dazed, like he’s just woken up.
“Of course, Jongin. Of course I do.”
“You really do, right?” Jongin’s stomach is in knots, twisted and tight, a hurricane of emotional chaos.
Junmyeon flushes with guilt, ashamed of himself. “I really love you, Jongin. More than anything.”
“Okay, good,” Jongin says, breathless with hurt, “because there’s never really been an option for you to leave.” He folds his arms around Junmyeon’s neck and pulls him in, pressing their foreheads together so neither of them can look away. “I think I might’ve been unclear with you for the past five years, but you don’t get any say on us being together, okay? Only I get to decide that and you’re not allowed to leave.” Jongin doesn’t care that he’s being unreasonable and stubborn-how he feels for Junmyeon is unreasonable and stubborn, it’s crazy, and there’s clearly no sense in trying to pretend like it’s some virtuous, pretty thing for the movies.
Jongin will fight dirty if he has to. He’s fucked up somewhere along the way but there’s never been a second in his life he’s ever imagined it without being in love with Junmyeon at his side.
“Are you really sure you want--” Junmyeon starts, but Jongin’s already kissing him before he’s halfway finished the sentence. He’s stubborn about it as anything else, insistent as he licks at Junmyeon’s lips, sliding his tongue in when Junmyeon immediately relents. There’s impatience and clear desperation in it. Junmyeon wishes he hadn’t made Jongin feel that way but he can admit with a large helping of shame that he’s grateful Jongin still feels so strongly about him.
Jongin never meant to ignore him or put him on the backburner. Jongin would never do that to him; Jongin just had other plans, other people he wanted to see, and he does see Junmyeon every day, so everything just sort of stalled for them without it being anyone’s fault.
Still, it doesn’t change the fact that Junmyeon’s been lonely and hurting for months, and it’s his own fault for not bringing it up sooner, but he’s glad that Jongin will at least spend more time with him.
“I’m sorry,” Jongin whispers against his mouth, breathless and shaking, “I’m so sorry, hyung. You always come first, I’m so sorry I haven’t been showing you properly.”
“Ah, Jongin, no--” Junmyeon breathes, cupping Jongin’s cheeks, but Jongin just shakes his head.
“I’ll be a better boyfriend,” Jongin promises, “I’ll do my best, hyung.”
“I will too, Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon mumbles, completely in pieces with how in love he is, “I promise to tell you properly the next time I miss you.”
Jongin nods a few times, too shaken to keep answering. He doesn’t think Junmyeon would really break up with him but the talk they just had has frightened him. They’ve been together for so long now, there’s a lot less that Jongin can pass off on inexperience or ignorance, and really, Junmyeon is always so mindful and caring of him that Jongin needs to learn to stop taking it for granted.
So okay, alright, he’s learning-he’s got it from here on out. Being sick in love with Junmyeon’s never going to be a problem for him; it’s the showing it that he’s got to do better on.
---
“Uhhhh,” Chanyeol says, halted halfway into the kitchen.
Junmyeon turns to smile at him, hands busy with scooping an obnoxious portion of ice cream into the biggest bowl they own. “Hey, want some?”
Chanyeol assesses the bright, brilliant, beaming smile on Junmyeon’s face, then the fact that Jongin’s fully ignoring Chanyeol’s existence, draped all over Junmyeon from behind. “What…what flavor is--”
Jongin stops ignoring him then, but only to turn and give him a very flat look.
“Uh, nevermind,” Chanyeol says, sucking his lips into his mouth to contain his laughter. That Kim Jongin…he wouldn’t know subtlety if it kicked him in the face.
“You sure?” Junmyeon asks, then laughs when Jongin goes back to squeezing him.
Chanyeol arches an eyebrow, staring at the ironclad grip Jongin’s got around Junmyeon’s middle. He’s flush against him, leaning against him so far that Junmyeon’s tilted forward into the kitchen counter, but Chanyeol also hasn’t seen his hyung so happy in months.
“Let’s put chocolate syrup and pop rocks all over it,” Jongin mumbles into Junmyeon’s ear, chin wiggling on Junmyeon’s shoulder as he talks.
Silent, smiling, Chanyeol slips out of the kitchen to give them some privacy.
---
“Only at a simmer, and nothing more,” Kyungsoo says, the third time he’s taught kimchi jjigae this month alone, “but don’t forget about it either, or else you’ll get that gloopy stuff Chanyeol ended up with.”
Jongin nods, attentive and serious in a way that he rarely is outside of dance. He’s even got a notebook out for notes and Kyungsoo turns away to hide his smile, not wanting Jongin to see it.
“It’s okay to taste it as many times as you want while you make it, don’t worry about that either. You’ll eventually develop your own flavors and preferences.”
Jongin nods again, scribbling a bit more.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo says, giving Jongin a light punch on the arm, “Junmyeon-hyung’s really gonna love it, Jongin-ah.”
This time, he doesn’t turn away, grinning just as hard as Jongin is, happy to see the pleased flush on Jongin’s cheeks.
---
“It’s Friday, just go out,” Junmyeon says for the fourth time, laughing when Jongin putters around, hovering around him even longer. “Taeminnie’s free, right? Just go, you silly kid.”
“Stupid hyung,” Jongin says, pouting at him.
Junmyeon sighs, standing at the front door with Jongin, in disbelief that he’s basically having to kick Jongin out of here. He’s been living in fluffy clouds of bliss for the last two weeks with how much attention Jongin’s been giving him but he also wants Jongin to devote time to his other friends and relationships. He isn’t unreasonable-he was just lonely for too long, and now that they’ve got a better working balance going, Junmyeon’s also got most of his rationality back.
“Hey, come here,” he says, pulling Jongin in by the hip. He leaves a long, lingering kiss to Jongin’s mouth, breathing in Jongin’s sigh when they finally part. “Love you, silly kid. Now get out of here before I literally have to carry you out.”
“Be back soon,” Jongin mumbles, tugging at Junmyeon’s hair, “don’t go to bed without me!”
Junmyeon rolls his eyes, but of course he’s very pleased. “Bye, Kim Jongin!”
Jongin grins at him, all toothy and achingly beautiful. Junmyeon tries not to swoon.
It hasn’t been hard for Jongin to lavish Junmyeon with attention these past couple of weeks. He’d almost forgotten how wonderful it is, actually; they used to be this way all the time, especially when they were first together. Life as trainees was difficult and busy but it was nothing compared to now-Jongin regrets not appreciating all the time he had had with Junmyeon more back then. Still, these past two weeks have been perfect; he feels like he could dissolve, just turn to fizz with how happy he is, bubbles of joy floating into space. There’s nothing better than to have Junmyeon smile at him and kiss him and hold him together with those strong hands of his, always so gentle, always like he’s something precious.
“You’re staring,” Junmyeon complains, cheeks red, spine stiffening at the look in Jongin’s eyes. “Hurry up before I change my mind about you leaving.”
Jongin smiles and disappears out the door without another word, a heavy, slow thud in his chest, on the verge of pain. Right, that’s right. This is what love feels like-something exquisite, singularly unique, and that’s how he knows for certain he’s only felt it with Junmyeon.
---
Sehun lazily reads the text Jongin sends him literally ten seconds after he hears the front door close.
Sleep in my bed tonight, please? I’ll treat you to whatever you want tomorrow.
Sehun grins; he would’ve done it for free, but hey, if Jongin’s offering.
I’m not a cheap date, Kim Jongin! Prepare your wallet!
He grabs some of his sleep stuff and phone charger, humming to himself as he vacates his shared room with Junmyeon.
“Where are you going?” Junmyeon asks, passing him by in the hallway.
Sehun grins at him, all smiley eyes and high cheekbones. “To find peace, hyung. Peace.”
---
Junmyeon is three-quarters through his new novel when Jongin comes home and straight to his room.
“You’re back so early!” he exclaims, boggling at the clock. He expected Jongin to at least be out until midnight but it’s only half past ten. “Everything okay?”
Jongin swallows hard, taking in the sight of Junmyeon dressed down in a tshirt and sweats, his glasses sitting so handsome on his face. He wishes Junmyeon could wear contacts less during their day to day promotions too-he looks so good with glasses on.
“Everything’s okay, Taeminnie says hi,” Jongin says, locking the bedroom door behind him. He moves to the bed quickly, sitting down with a heavy thump. “He said it looked like I missed you so we just ate and then he forced me to leave.”
“What??” Junmyeon asks, bursting out laughing, “that Taemin did? That’s so strange of him.”
Okay, so actually, Taemin hadn’t put it quite like that. Apparently, Jongin had been gushing about Junmyeon all night without realizing it, and he had apparently been bouncing his leg nonstop too, so Taemin eventually flat out asked him how horny he was because it was going airborne and starting to suffocate him. Okay, so that conversation also had a lot more swear words in it too, but Jongin couldn’t even deny it-he has been itching to be intimate, and Junmyeon is just such a great boyfriend, and Jongin needs a lot more words in his vocabulary to describe it properly.
There aren’t even enough adjectives in existence to adequately encompass what he feels for Junmyeon. It’s just so big, so much, he could rip at all the seams and burst with it. He’s restless on the inside, a deep, endless craving for Junmyeon to fill.
“Did you want to finish your book?” Jongin asks, leg bouncing again, trying to hide how breathless he is. He still remembers earlier, the strength of Junmyeon’s hand on his hip, the way Junmyeon held onto him to kiss him.
Junmyeon gives him a long look, smile slowly starting to fade. Ah. He gets that look, he understands it just fine.
Thank god.
“No,” Junmyeon says, tossing his book and glasses straight onto the floor before he’s dragging Jongin in by the front of his hoodie.
As much as Jongin scrambles, as much as he rushes, there’s a distinct feeling that he’s never going to be able to catch up. Junmyeon kisses him into a daze, their hands everywhere on each other, mouth working against his hot and wet, tongue teasingly sliding against his until Jongin’s squirming in Junmyeon’s lap.
“Fuck, hyung, now!” he whines, not even asking for anything specific. He just needs more, he knows that, and he’s absolutely horrified that with a boyfriend this hot, he hasn’t been fucking him on the regular at least twice a week. What the hell has he been thinking for these past few months? He’s only 21, he shouldn’t even be able to think about anything else!
Junmyeon lets out a silent laugh against his mouth, clearly amused. He’s got them both out of their clothes in less than a minute, impressed that Jongin hadn’t been wearing any underwear.
Junmyeon’s hands are strong, sure, warm and gentle against his skin. Jongin arches into his embrace, moaning throatily as Junmyeon kisses down his neck, grinding up against him. Jongin shudders-Junmyeon is so hard, hard just for him. His mouth waters with how bad he wants it, anywhere at this point; in his hands, in his mouth, though preferably up his ass, he doesn’t even care.
Shaking with desperation, Jongin kisses Junmyeon again, wet and sloppy. His tongue drags along Junmyeon’s lower lip, biting down gently when Junmyeon rewards him with a deep moan.
“Jongin, I want you so bad,” Junmyeon breathes, eyes hooded and black want where his pupils should be. It rips a whine from Jongin’s throat, hair standing up on the back of his neck. Junmyeon’s on the precipice of his self-control; Jongin knows him too well, he knows exactly what it looks like when Junmyeon’s about to lose it.
Jongin reaches down for Junmyeon’s cock, throat tightening when he feels how hot it is in his hand. He rubs his palm over the sensitive head and smears precome down the hard length, catching Junmyeon’s appreciative groan into his own mouth. He has half a mind to wrangle himself out of Junmyeon’s grip just so he can get his mouth on him, suck him off, but Junmyeon grip tightens around him, almost like he’s read Jongin’s thoughts.
Instead, Jongin slides Junmyeon’s cock lower, between his asscheeks, moaning needily as Junmyeon grinds against his asscrack. Jongin clenches, thighs tight with impatience. He feels like he’s going to explode.
“Hyung!” he gasps, arching more as Junmyeon palms his ass with both hands, grip rough, mouth trailing south to take in one of his nipples. Jongin can’t stand it, he cries out, trying to push up into Junmyeon’s mouth while grinding down, cock flicking with interest each time the thick head of Junmyeon’s cock pushes against his hole. “Hyunnng,” he moans, whimpering when Junmyeon makes a tight space for his own cock, and Jongin can feel the hot length of it, the thick slide of it between his asscheeks. If only Junmyeon could always grope him like this; Jongin’s got a nice ass and he likes it best when Junmyeon appreciates it.
Junmyeon’s sucking noisily at his nipple, tongue flicking at it until it’s tingling with sore pleasure. Jongin’s about to lose his mind-he’s biting his lip so hard it really hurts, trying to keep his moans in. He has to be the one that reaches for the lube, mind in a whirl that Junmyeon is so caught up in his body that he can’t tear himself away. How’s that for an ego boost?
His hands are shaking so bad that he drops the lube the first time he tries to hand it over. Junmyeon laughs, but that’s shaking too, and Jongin doesn’t see any humor in his eyes when he looks into them.
“Fuck me, please,” Jongin begs, breaths hitching from the way Junmyeon’s staring at him, like he wants to eat him, “I need it, hyung.”
Junmyeon’s fingers are gentle but efficient as they work him open. Jongin’s never been hurt once in all the times they’ve done this but he thinks he wouldn’t even mind if Junmyeon were rougher with him sometimes, times like now, because no amount of fingers and Junmyeon’s patience will ever come close to the fullness and satisfaction of Junmyeon’s cock.
Jongin is collapsed into Junmyeon’s chest by the time Junmyeon’s fingerfucking him with four, moans choked and breathless into Junmyeon’s ear.
He sounds good. It’s better than any music Junmyeon’s ever heard. Junmyeon can feel the sticky spot of precome that Jongin’s cock has leaked onto his belly, overwhelmed by Jongin’s sensuality and desperation. Jongin is so good for him, curled up in his lap like this, and Junmyeon would just let Jongin do the work like Jongin probably wants, but he has other plans.
“Hyung!” Jongin whines, unhappy when Junmyeon’s fingers slide out of him. He wants Junmyeon’s cock but he also doesn’t like being empty; okay, and who said he had to be reasonable when he’s damn lost his mind with how bad he wants Junmyeon inside him?
“I’m going to fuck you, Jongin,” Junmyeon says plainly, sliding his hands up the beautiful expanse of Jongin’s body. He lingers at Jongin’s shoulders, pulling him in for a deep, tender kiss, tsking softly when Jongin tries to grind down onto his cock.
He wraps an arm around Jongin’s back and lays him down, spreading Jongin out on his sheets. This is what he likes to see the most: Jongin with his thighs spread to cushion Junmyeon between them, a deep flush high on his cheeks, eyes a glittering, bright black, trained only on him.
“You’re beautiful, Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon whispers, slowly pushing the head of his cock in. Jongin lets out a garbled response, more moan than anything, thighs tightening around Junmyeon’s hips.
It’s so thick, it’s so good. “Oh, god,” Jongin gasps, “Ah- ah! Uhn, hyung!” He arches his back off the bed, tip toes digging into the mattress, forcing himself down Junmyeon’s cock while Junmyeon forces him not to go too fast.
So careful, his hyung. Always so thoughtful, so gentle, so fucking perfect.
“Feels good,” Jongin says, half the words only breaths. Junmyeon reaches out and rescues his lower lip from getting gnawed at anymore between his teeth, replacing it with his mouth so Jongin can do something about that oral fixation of his.
Jongin doesn’t bother trying to rush at this point. He knows Junmyeon wouldn’t give in anyway, he never has once in all the years they’ve done this. He’s just happy to have Junmyeon inside of him, nice and hard and hot, filling him to the brim. Jongin clenches around him, groaning at how stretched his hole is-he’s still in disbelief every time they do this, he really just loves having Junmyeon inside him, so deep that there’s no room for Jongin to breathe.
He messily, lazily makes out with Junmyeon, moaning mindlessly loud as Junmyeon starts to thrust. There should be some volume control considering everyone’s home but Jongin is so horny he wants to cry, and Junmyeon’s cock is so good--it’s thick and hard, and it slides so slick in and out of him, the drag of him making Jongin’s thighs quiver with every thrust.
Planting his feet, Jongin tries to set the pace, wanting more of Junmyeon much faster. “H-hyung, please!” he whines when Junmyeon actually sits back and out of his reach, huffing like a spoiled kid when Junmyeon stops thrusting entirely.
“I’ll make you feel good, promise,” Junmyeon soothes, sliding his palms along Jongin’s hips and creamy thighs. “Come here.”
“Please, fuck me,” Jongin begs shakily, but he complies in the end, letting Junmyeon pull him more into his lap. His lower back is lifted off the bed and he’s totally nestled into Junmyeon’s lap now, breaths coming out in even shorter bursts now that Junmyeon’s seated so deep inside of him. The depth is mindnumbing-Jongin stares open-mouthed at Junmyeon’s dark expression and then at his own cock, painfully hard and dribbling precome onto his own belly.
Junmyeon puts those strong hands on his hips again and starts to guide him up, so Jongin plants his feet and tries to push off, but Junmyeon forces him still, only allows an inch of space for him to go. He brings Jongin back down instead, rolls his hips, rocks with him and grinds so deep into him that Jongin’s knees immediately turn to jelly and his legs give out.
“Junmyeon-hyung,” Jongin hisses, eyes wide with desperation, “I- oh god, ahh! Ahn- I- hyung!!” He throws his head back and bucks but Junmyeon isn’t letting him, Junmyeon just growls his name over and over again, grinds into him, fucks into him without really fucking him, working him slowly on his cock.
Jongin’s eyes roll back into his head, clawing at the sheets and Junmyeon’s forearms as he cries out with pleasure. He wants so bad to lift off of him and fuck himself on Junmyeon’s cock but Junmyeon’s grip is tighter than ever, nails digging crescents into either side of his hips. Jongin only has that last inch of Junmyeon’s cock to clench around, that thick, wide base, and he feels like he’s being fucked wide open, his hole stretched impossibly around Junmyeon where he’s thickest. The head of Junmyeon’s cock pushes against that good spot inside of him incessantly and since he’s barely thrusting, Jongin has no way to get away from it, forced to take every second of bliss like torture.
Junmyeon watches Jongin lose it on his sheets, hungrily devouring every second. Jongin’s spine arches beautifully each time he tries to arch higher, the blush snaking down his chest even prettier, but the best will always be the way Jongin looks at him while he begs to be fucked.
Bracing himself, Junmyeon rocks into Jongin much more insistently, whispering Jongin’s name without realizing it. Jongin’s walls squeeze him tight, flex around him as deeply as Junmyeon wants to go, sucking him in until Junmyeon feels like he’s melting into him. Jongin’s half-howling and incoherent but Junmyeon likes that, he likes that Jongin can feel that good with him.
It’s just too much. Jongin squeezes himself harder and harder around the wide base of Junmyeon’s cock, dry sobs wrenched from his throat, a mindless, helpless mess on Junmyeon’s sheets. “Please, let me come,” he chokes out, trying to be good, trying to make Junmyeon feel as good as Junmyeon’s making him feel, “please fill me up, hyung, please come inside me.”
Junmyeon cries out at the next clench, his cock throbbing with the need to release. Jongin’s good at that, pushing his buttons-he knows exactly what Junmyeon likes to hear.
“Come, Jongin,” he chokes out, thrusting deep but erratic into Jongin’s body, thighs on fire from exertion.
Jongin doesn’t need to be told twice. He gasps once, loud, then he’s raking his nails down the sides of Junmyeon’s thighs, sobbing and half-yelling as he comes around Junmyeon’s cock, entire body jerking with it. His stomach hurts from how tight he’s tensed up, lightning racing through his blood to fizzle out in his fingers and toes and at the roots of his hair, a hot splatter of his own come all over his belly and chest.
It’s good, it’s so good, oh, it’s so good.
He’s only half-conscious when Junmyeon follows a few short thrusts later, tensed over him. Jongin forces his eyes open to watch, whimpering helplessly to see the way Junmyeon’s face twists with pleasure, and it’s Jongin’s name on his lips as he comes.
“Hyung, it feels so good,” he moans, whines, really, words slurred, heart pounding in his ears. Orgasm looks good on Junmyeon; Jongin should make sure it happens more often.
He squirms just a little, gasping in noisy breaths as they both try to calm down, clenching around Junmyeon’s cock again just to make sure he’s got all of Junmyeon’s come in him. Yeah, the cleanup’s inconvenient, but there’s nothing quite like being filled up with Junmyeon’s come, nor the way Junmyeon looks at him after he’s done it.
Too tired to do anything else, Jongin just lies there and groans when Junmyeon finally parts from him, pouting childishly at Junmyeon like his hyung’s just done something to offend him.
“Are you okay?” Junmyeon whispers, heart still pounding away in his chest. He’s calmer now, though, and he tucks himself along Jongin’s side, collecting him into his chest.
“I feel good,” Jongin mumbles sleepily, pressing a wet kiss to Junmyeon’s mouth. “I love you, Junmyeon-hyung.” Junmyeon blushes prettily as soon as he says it because Jongin is still the one who says it less out of the two of them, but that doesn’t mean Jongin means it any less. “Thank you for taking such good care of me. I feel so good, like you have no idea, I feel like I could dissolve…soda bubbles…”
Junmyeon laughs quietly to himself, stroking Jongin’s hair as he mumbles himself straight into sleep. That’s so cute, Junmyeon’s going to think about it and swoon for the next week straight.
“Love you too, you silly kid,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Thanks for holding me together.”
---
“That sounded like the best sex Jongin has ever had,” Sehun says brightly to break the silence.
“Oh my god, just shut the fuck up,” Chanyeol groans. His earplugs are useless!
“I mean, have you ever heard him moan like that before?”
“I’m going to murder you in your sleep,” Kyungsoo informs, turning his music up higher.
---
Maturity, professionalism, keeping shit together-that’s what they all need to exercise, but Junmyeon in particular because he’s the leader.
That’s why he makes sure he doesn’t react to the fact that Jongin is literally breathing down his neck and hanging off of him. As ecstatic as he is on the inside, as much as he wants to turn around and kiss Jongin stupid, they’re on camera and there are about a hundred witnesses to silence afterward if he were to give in. Junmyeon’s smile widens a bit more when Jongin starts smacking his ass, totally nonchalant about it too.
From the corner of his eye, he sees Chanyeol arching an eyebrow at him. Ahh, it’s not his fault! Jongin is just so damn easy to love, and he’s so warm and cuddly, and his hands are all over Junmyeon even though Jongin isn’t one for overt public displays of affection.
Grinning like the sun rose just for him today, Junmyeon finishes with recording and drags Jongin after him for somewhere more private, hand wrapped around his wrist. It’s the closest thing to holding hands.
He ducks behind a changing curtain in their dressing room, not quite private but will do for now. “Kim Jongin!” he says, laughing and smiling too much to even pretend this is a scolding, “what do you think you’re doing?”
Jongin grins, easy confidence and puppy eyes. “Being properly in love with you?”
Oh, dammit. Junmyeon hears the most lovesick sigh leak out of him and he can’t even be embarrassed about it. He just cups Jongin’s smiley cheeks and kisses him, tender and warm, sharing a smile together.
---
SOOOO i was watching suho and xiumin and how suho would go in for a kiss omg kim junmyeon i love you so much
and then the following shitty tragedy happened
DAMMIT SUKAI WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THIS (ノಠ ∩ಠ)ノ………(/●◔∀◐●)/
i am a slave to this ship
someone send help, it's really serious
oh my word
thanks for reading, as always! :D
suho/kai
nc-17
when the problem is lack of intimacy, the best solution is to get intimate.
---
Careful, Kim Jongin, things tend to unravel when you pull on frayed threads.
---
Sensitivity is not Jongin’s number one strong point, though he likes to think he isn’t a living, breathing definition of oblivious, either. Sometimes he catches onto things a couple steps too late, but usually that’s okay too, and it’s only rarely that Junmyeon actually gets upset with him. Even then, it’s about never that Junmyeon actually stays upset with him, partly because Jongin is properly sorry about it, but maybe mostly because Jongin knows how to squirm his way out of binds with someone he knows loves him more than he should.
But, sometimes, Jongin doesn’t see everything he should until it’s too late, and while Junmyeon doesn’t stay mad, there’s always a little bit of shine that goes out of his smile when their eyes meet. Jongin really has to think about that one.
---
Relationships aren’t perfect. That’s the point, to grow together, and Junmyeon’s always been happy to fight and hurt and learn and grow from it, because strength is carved out of failure.
He gave up most of his pride the day he realized what joining SM meant.
He gave up most of his selfishness the day he split his personal ambition into twelve more or less equal parts.
And with Jongin…well, he gave up most of his jealousy the day he had that dreadful epiphany that he was in love with him, though that’s clearly a lesson he still has to revisit every day.
It’s not that they’re fighting, they just haven’t been close in a while. He doesn’t even mean it emotionally; they get on better than they ever have with each passing day. But it’s as friends, as teammates, as coworkers, and Junmyeon sometimes goes to bed at night wondering, we’re together, right? We are, right?
Jealousy. Envy. Stewing in them certainly doesn’t help, but when he’s a little too exhausted to pull up that trained, perfected smile, when he’s a little too lonely to look at Jongin’s face without cringing, resentment curdles sour and heavy in his belly.
Of course Jongin is allowed to be close to others. Of course Jongin should have friends he loves like family. Of course Junmyeon wants that for him, to be happy, to be loved, because Jongin deserves all of that.
He just can’t stop wondering more and more and more these days where exactly he falls on that list of people that Jongin loves. He used to think he was near the top of that list, but they’ve been so busy lately, they haven’t had any time together, and love needs nurturing.
“See you guys, I’m going out for dinner with Taeminnie,” Jongin says, already halfway out the door. Chanyeol waves halfheartedly, engrossed in trying to learn how to make a good jjigae from Kyungsoo, and because Junmyeon says nothing, no one actually says bye to him.
It doesn’t matter, though. Jongin makes time for the things he wants to do, for the people he wants to see, and he gets to see Junmyeon all the time anyway, so what business does Junmyeon have getting jealous about it?
---
“Hey, it’s good to actually see you,” Taemin says, settled back in their private booth. Jongin’s just ordered about half the menu and Taemin has to wonder if he hasn’t eaten yet for the day. “You sure you have the time right now though?”
“Honestly, no,” Jongin replies, laughing, “but what’ll I do if I don’t squeeze some time out to see you? You’d just whine about it eventually.”
“Idiot, I would not.” Taemin rests his chin in his palm, looking at the bruises under Jongin’s eyes. “How’s everyone holding up?”
“Junmyeon-hyung’s kind of stressed, but he’s fine,” Jongin answers automatically. He pokes his kimchi, looking up eventually when Taemin doesn’t reply. “What?”
Taemin smiles at him, that one where he clearly knows something but isn’t going to tell him, the exact one that grinds a grater down every one of Jongin’s nerves. “Maybe you’re the source of his stress?”
“Probably.”
“Wow, didn’t expect you to come out of denial that quickly.”
Jongin shrugs. “He’s been kind of weird lately.”
“Weird how?”
“Just different.” Jongin runs a hand through his hair, pushing it all out of his face so he can catch a breath he can never seem to take in fully. “Hard to explain. It’s the way he smiles.”
“No, that hasn’t changed,” Taemin says immediately, raising an eyebrow at him, “though maybe it has with you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Dunno.” The food comes and Taemin grins at him, clearly delighted by the pissy glare being beamed at him. “Maybe he’s just tired of you.”
“Yah,” Jongin says, though nothing good comes after.
“Like I said,” Taemin teases, “maybe it’s just you. Favorites don’t always last forever.”
“Just shut up and eat,” Jongin grumbles, stabbing at a piece of chicken to stuff it in his mouth.
In all, he’s gone and back to the dorms before two hours are even up, a pretty fast dinner considering it’s him and Taemin, but it’s all the time he really thought he should be taking out. Almost everyone is already in bed or getting ready for it, but Jongin walks back in to find Junmyeon sitting on the sofa in the living room, watching the news.
“How was dinner?” he asks, giving Jongin a small smile.
It’s that one. It’s different again. “It was good,” Jongin answers, walking to the sofa but not sitting down. He feels a little unbalanced somehow and he doesn’t even have alcohol to blame on it.
“Mm. Good.” Junmyeon’s eyes linger on him but they slide off when Jongin shifts. He turns off the TV and stands, pausing, not facing Jongin but not facing away, either. “Thanks for coming back early.”
“Yeah, schedule,” Jongin says dumbly, freezing awkwardly when Junmyeon reaches out to ruffle his hair the way he used to when they were much, much younger.
Junmyeon’s eyes linger on his face again, carefully blank the way Jongin really dislikes, but he says nothing more than a good night before walking away.
For a while, Jongin stands in the living room, looking around, mouth pulled down without being aware of it. Then, it hits him quickly, clear and fast and jolts guilt straight through to his stomach.
Shit, he was waiting for me--
But there’s nothing he can do about that now, and Jongin silently twists his fingers together before he resolutely goes to bed himself.
---
Sometime after knowing about debut with Jongin but sometime before Exo getting finalized, Junmyeon locked himself in the dance practice room with Jongin and told him how he felt.
He wasn’t unconfident about it. Jongin leaned into his space too much by then for even Junmyeon to misinterpret what it meant, and Jongin didn’t exactly make it a secret that he wasn’t so good with closeness and aegyo with hyungs. Just Junmyeon, just a healthy amount of whining, just a healthy amount of hugs, just a healthy amount of shy, quick smiles that always left Junmyeon grinning for hours.
The way Jongin’s face had looked then, all fire truck red and eyes the shape of dinner plates, his lower lip caught between his teeth.
“I like you, Kim Jongin,” Junmyeon had repeated, completely red himself, but also so at peace with it.
Jongin hadn’t said anything to him, he only took Junmyeon’s hand and squeezed it until Junmyeon thought his bones would pop out of their sockets, but that was fine with him. He’ll never forget the following morning, weighed down with sleep and a toothbrush in his mouth in the bathroom, and Jongin had run in to leave a drive-by I like you so much, Junmyeon-hyung with his mouth pressed to Junmyeon’s ear before sprinting off. Junmyeon had smiled and smiled and swallowed his toothpaste and he didn’t care; what was there to care about when Kim Jongin was willing to hold his heart in his hands and promise not to squeeze too hard?
Junmyeon opens his eyes to stare at the ceiling, chest tight. He hasn’t dreamt about that day for a long time. It’s strange, how not knowing about the future makes him turn back to the past. Jongin used to say it’s a bad habit of his, to dwell and stall in the face of uncertainty, but he hasn’t been around enough lately to even say it to him this time.
Sighing, he drags himself out of bed before he can wallow in his own self-pity any longer, nearly jumping out of his skin when he swings the door open only to have Jongin’s knuckles nearly meet his face.
“Oh my g--”
“Christ, hyung!” Jongin whisper-yells, eyes wide, “you scared me half to death.”
“Says the person lurking behind a closed door!” Junmyeon shoots back, palm pressed hard against the unsteady thumping in his chest. “Everything okay?” He turns and looks at the digital clock next to Sehun’s bed. “Can’t sleep again?”
“Uh, no,” Jongin says, stepping back so Junmyeon can close his bedroom door. He wants more privacy for this. “Just wanted to see you.”
That’s…odd. Junmyeon gives him a sideways look, slowly making his way to the kitchen, very keenly aware of Jongin’s presence behind him. “Is everything really okay?”
“Um…yeah,” Jongin says unconvincingly, consistently hovering a few inches from Junmyeon’s body no matter where he goes. Junmyeon goes to make coffee, Jongin follows him to the coffee machine. Junmyeon goes to set out a few bowls for breakfast, Jongin grabs cutlery along the way. Junmyeon stops at the sink to turn and raise an eyebrow at him, Jongin stops a step in front of him and fidgets, something clearly on his mind.
“Jongin,” Junmyeon sighs, putting his hands on his hips.
Jongin leans in wordlessly and kisses him on the mouth, fast and firm. It catches Junmyeon off guard enough that he doesn’t get a chance to react before Jongin’s pulling away again, leaving Jongin with a clear sense of disappointment and tightness in his ribcage.
Spontaneity’s never been a problem before. Why does Junmyeon seem so bewildered?
“…Jongin,” Junmyeon says again eventually, not smiling the way Jongin had thought he would. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Jongin says, stubborn and starting to get embarrassed, “just thought it’s been a while.”
Maybe he’s just tired and irritable. Maybe he’s just been too lonely for too long. Either way, Junmyeon’s not feeling all that charitable. “It has been a while.”
Jongin shoots him an uncertain look, not at all comforted by the careful lack of expression on Junmyeon’s face. He didn’t feel good about Junmyeon waiting on him last night and he thought about making it up to him a little this morning, even though it wasn’t really his fault that Junmyeon had waited. He hadn’t asked him to. Junmyeon had done that on his own, because he’s always been a little neurotic and overbearing, because he pays Jongin too much attention, because-
Because he really loves you, you asshole.
Jongin feels guilt wrench through him again, making his shoulders bunch up high. “Are you upset with me, hyung?” he forces himself to ask.
Junmyeon closes his eyes, hating that Jongin had to pose it that way. Jongin is asking him because he really wants to know, he’s not doing anything wrong, but this is also how Jongin gets out of everything with him. It’s in Junmyeon’s nature to forgive and not complain and it drives him crazy that he can’t stand to make Jongin upset.
“I’m just tired, Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon answers gently, after the silence between them stretches beyond the point of acceptable.
Jongin stares at him, not moving or saying a thing. He hears Junmyeon’s words just fine but all he can think about is Taemin’s; maybe he’s just tired of you.
“Can I do anything to make you less tired?” Jongin pushes, not wanting to give up that easily. Junmyeon’s fought for them a lot more than Jongin has, Junmyeon always seemed happy to do it, but Jongin understands he needs to do it once in a while when it really matters.
Maybe, though, it always really matters.
Junmyeon gives him another small smile, not all there. “Sorry about earlier,” he says, avoiding the question none too gracefully, “you just caught me off guard, that’s all.” Junmyeon steps into Jongin’s space and puts a hand on his hip, the other reaching around to cup the back of his neck.
While there’s a lot more to be said, Jongin wants a kiss before he ever wants to talk. He lets Junmyeon do it properly, sinks into it, parting his lips in a quiet sigh to feel Junmyeon’s tongue press gently to his. Junmyeon tilts his head to deepen the kiss and Jongin ends up draped all over him, encircling him, suddenly wanting to be near him more than any emotion he’s felt in the last few months combined.
He forgets sometimes how right this feels. There’s so much going on in their lives all the time that all the free hours get spliced down to squeeze out every possible second. There are so many people Jongin doesn’t get to see on a regular basis that he would love to and he has no choice but to fit them into the hours between schedules.
It’s been a while since he and Junmyeon have been intimate, or even kissed, and it’s making him really pause now because he can’t actually remember the last time they did. It couldn’t have been so long ago, right? Surely, Junmyeon would’ve said something to him before now?
Jongin tightens his hold on Junmyeon, pushing forward to press him against the sink. Junmyeon’s grip is strong on his hip, angling him into himself at the core, his kiss spiking in heat. His lips are soft and tongue hot and Jongin only wants more of his mouth, wants more of Junmyeon’s fingers making a mess of his hair. Wow, it really has been a long time. Jongin can feel arousal pooling in his thighs already; it’s really been a long time since the last time.
A deep, shaking moan works its way past Jongin’s throat, but it’s also that that makes Junmyeon suddenly pull away from him. He falls into Junmyeon’s chest, dazed from their kissing and confused by the sudden loss of it, bewildered by the fact that Junmyeon just…stopped.
“Go get ready, everyone will be up soon,” Junmyeon says into his ear, quiet and distant.
What the hell? “Hyung--”
“No, Jongin,” Junmyeon says, pulling away from him completely. The extraction seems to happen in slow motion, almost comedic in how long every second takes-Jongin feels himself go cold bit by bit, everywhere Junmyeon was touching.
As mean and guilty as it makes him feel, Junmyeon doesn’t want to be doing this. Well, he does, but not if Jongin’s just pent up and horny, not if Junmyeon’s just a convenient afterthought.
Jongin worries on his lip as he steps back, gnawing hard, unconsciously wrapping his arms around his own tummy. “Can we maybe talk later then?” he tries, heart pounding in his chest. Something is seriously wrong-Junmyeon never says no to him like that, not so point blank without some sort of compromise afterward. He can to Chanyeol, to Baekhyun, to anyone else, but never to Jongin.
He knows he’s always been special. He doesn’t want to not be special anymore.
Panic claws up his throat, the realization too sudden and clear. He’s terrified to not be special to Junmyeon anymore.
There’s a whole list of people he’s been wanting to see, to spend time with, things to do, places to go, and it’s all just cleared up.
“Sure, later,” Junmyeon says, not meeting his eyes. It’s going to be a lot better to love Jongin today from afar, where Jongin can’t hurt him so easy. “Can you please help me set out the rest of the bowls?”
“Yeah, hyung,” Jongin answers, quiet and hoping it doesn’t sound as breathless as he feels. Fix this now, do it now, it obviously can’t wait for later anymore, his brain broadcasts on red alert, but Jongin’s locked up with uncertainty.
“I think Chanyeollie wanted us to have the jjigae he made yesterday for breakfast.”
“Okay, hyung.”
“Help me get the jjigae from the fridge?”
“Sure, hyung.”
Junmyeon clenches his jaw, turning away from Jongin and his nervous glances, doing his best to ignore the hot burn in the center of his chest. Jongin only reverts back to obedience like this when he’s scared, he’s never grown out of reacting this way from the age of 14, though it takes a lot to get cool, unflappable Jongin to this point these days. Junmyeon really, really despises himself for having caused it.
How’s that for love? What good can he even claim to do for Jongin when this is the sort of love he has to show for it?
---
They don’t talk. Junmyeon really is tired and Jongin is exhausted by the end of the day too, so it doesn’t take much to convince everyone to just go to bed. They’re in the middle of preparation for their comeback; there really is no time for anything else.
A week passes with Junmyeon not really avoiding Jongin but not going out of his way to talk to him either. There’s nothing wrong with them, they’re such good friends and coworkers; that simply has to take precedence over whatever emotional crisis Junmyeon is apparently having with himself. Jongin’s been extremely quiet this past week, noticeably so, and he’s been staring a lot at Junmyeon too, but it’s not so out of the ordinary that any of the others have found it out of place.
Junmyeon is tidying up the kitchen by himself when Minseok finds him and proves his assumption wrong.
“Junmyeon-ah,” he says, leaning against the fridge.
“Hey,” Junmyeon greets, looking around just to make sure no one else is near. Minseok so rarely seeks him out with that level, serious look on his face, but when he does, Junmyeon always makes sure to really listen.
“About Jongin,” he says, cutting straight through to Junmyeon’s vulnerability, “you need to go easy on him.”
Junmyeon takes a deep breath and holds it, forcing all defensive words back down his throat. “Am I being too hard on him?”
“You see him every single day,” Minseok says, though his expression is sympathetic, “he’s just a kid, Junmyeon-ah. You need to tell him things to his face because he doesn’t get it. He’s never had to.”
Well he should, if he really cared. The thought is bitter and sour with resentment; Junmyeon does away with it as quickly as it comes. “I know, I understand,” he says instead, shaking his head, “I’m just being stupid.”
“No,” Minseok says immediately, giving him a sideways smile, “I think you’re human, just like everybody else.”
---
Kyungsoo looks up from his phone when someone knocks on their bedroom door. “Oh, Minseok-hyung,” he greets, sitting up a bit straighter. “What’s up?”
“Yah, Kim Jongin,” Minseok says, his head poked in to give their almost-magnae a pretty stern look, “your stuff’s in the kitchen. Hurry up and go sort it out.”
---
Jongin sits quietly to Junmyeon’s left at the kitchen table, his body tilted sideways so he can gently press a knee to Junmyeon’s outer thigh. It isn’t much in terms of contact but he’ll settle for anything at this point, especially after a week of Junmyeon flat out ignoring him. It’s not quite that, Jongin knows Junmyeon is too soft for that, but it came pretty damn close, close enough that Jongin’s only had time to feel like shit about himself.
“You doing okay lately?” Junmyeon asks, staring at the table in front of him. Jongin had come running into the kitchen less than two minutes after Minseok had gone, some variation of panic all over his face.
“I can’t sleep right,” Jongin replies immediately, “you seem really tired too, hyung.”
“So, you haven’t been going out much.” Junmyeon doesn’t really want to talk about how he’s doing. He’s afraid all the petty jealousy will bubble out of him and he’s too old to be acting like that, especially with someone he supposedly cares about.
Jongin ducks his head; he’s known Junmyeon for too long to not hear the things he doesn’t say. “I was hoping we could spend some time together.”
Finally, finally, Junmyeon turns to look at him. He looks serious for a second but then his face gives way to a smile, a Junmyeon smile, the kind that Junmyeon usually saves just for him, and Jongin’s throat closes up so fast he surprises even himself.
“Hyung,” he chokes out, fingers curling into fists before he throws his arms around Junmyeon’s middle. Maybe squeezing the stuffing out of Junmyeon won’t fix all his problems, but he can’t know that until he tries, right?
“Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon says, laughing quietly, the delight obvious in his voice. It just makes Jongin hug him harder, face squished to Junmyeon’s shoulder. “Jongin-ah…I’m sorry we haven’t had much time together lately.”
“Stop apologizing for things that aren’t your fault,” Jongin mumbles, half off his chair just to hug Junmyeon closer. “Hey, hyung? Do you…um, remember that first time we kissed in the dance practice room?” His face flames as he asks it, such an embarrassingly intimate question to be asking.
“Yeah, of course,” Junmyeon says, turning red himself, “why?”
“Um, do you remember how you said you’d take care of me no matter what?”
Mortification hits Junmyeon like a hotflash, but at the same time, he’s kind of cheesily proud of himself for having said it to Jongin so point-blank back then. “You remember it better than I thought you would.” Tension drains from him with each word, the pressure valve loosening now that Jongin’s all warm and whole in his arms. “What’s up, Jongin-ah?”
Jongin abandons his chair completely in favor of wiggling himself into Junmyeon’s lap, ignoring the exaggerated groans Junmyeon huffs into his ear about carrying all his weight. “I just want to say- I know it’s late, I’m always so late, but I’m going to take care of you, too, hyung. No matter what.”
For a while, neither of them says anything. There’s such a fierce clench in Junmyeon’s chest, some mix of admiration and shame and smitten attachment.
“I’m the one that’s been wearing you out, right?” Jongin asks quietly, though it’s not really a question. He slowly pulls away from their embrace, staring at Junmyeon’s mouth until he can work up the courage to look him in the eyes. “Your smile’s been different.”
“My smile?” Junmyeon asks, surprise all over his face. He touches his cheek self-consciously, stomach fluttering when Jongin immediately reaches out to hold that hand in his own.
Jongin shrugs, embarrassed. “It’s the way you look at me sometimes.”
Junmyeon smiles up at him, more out of helplessness than humor. “Jongin,” he says quietly, “I look at you all the time, how do you not know that?”
Fuck. Shit. Jongin’s face burns and he hides it in Junmyeon’s neck again, fingers clenched into fists in the back of Junmyeon’s shirt. “I don’t want us to break up!” he blurts out, voice shaking dangerously. “I know I’m not always nice and I don’t notice everything I should, but that’s because you’re so nice to me all the time, hyung! I don’t know that I’m doing something wrong because you never get mad at--”
“Jongin,” Junmyeon interrupts. He swallows around the ball in his throat, standing at the crossroads within himself. Sometimes, the problem isn’t about love. It’s about everything else. “I won’t ask you for more than you can give. I’ll always love you no matter what.”
“That’s not the same,” Jongin whispers urgently. This can’t really be happening. “Y-you said you’d take care of me no matter what, I know you don’t have to be with me to love me, but I want you to take care of me, too. Please, hyung?”
“How long have we been together, Jongin-ah?”
“Four years, going on five.” The answer is immediate, though Jongin’s voice is powerless, not much more than a flat breath.
Junmyeon’s hurting him. He knows he’s hurting him.
“That’s a long time at our ages,” Junmyeon says, gently rocking Jongin in his arms, “you’re allowed to change, and you have. Sometimes what you want changes too, and that’s okay too, you know?”
Jongin pulls away from him then, face twisted with despair that doesn’t look too different from anger. “Why do you get to decide what I want?”
“I don’t,” Junmyeon hurries to say, faltering under Jongin’s gaze. He’s made Jongin really upset. “I’m just saying it’s okay--”
“It’s not!” Jongin interrupts, voice harder than steel, “I don’t want anyone that’s not you, why won’t you listen!?”
“You have a funny way of showing it then!” Junmyeon snaps, regretting it the instant it leaves his mouth. Jongin recoils from him in shock and hurt, eyes wide and lips parted to form soundless words. “Fuck,” he swears, grabbing onto Jongin, forcing him still despite Jongin showing no signs of moving, “Jongin-ah, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for snapping at you. I don’t want to break up either, that isn’t even what I’m suggesting, Christ.” Junmyeon runs a hand through his hair, stressed beyond belief, his insides aching so bad it feels like he’ll fall right apart. “I’m such an asshole. You drive me crazy, you know that?”
“…You still love me, right, hyung?” Jongin asks, voice tiny. His eyes are big and filmy, and he seems dazed, like he’s just woken up.
“Of course, Jongin. Of course I do.”
“You really do, right?” Jongin’s stomach is in knots, twisted and tight, a hurricane of emotional chaos.
Junmyeon flushes with guilt, ashamed of himself. “I really love you, Jongin. More than anything.”
“Okay, good,” Jongin says, breathless with hurt, “because there’s never really been an option for you to leave.” He folds his arms around Junmyeon’s neck and pulls him in, pressing their foreheads together so neither of them can look away. “I think I might’ve been unclear with you for the past five years, but you don’t get any say on us being together, okay? Only I get to decide that and you’re not allowed to leave.” Jongin doesn’t care that he’s being unreasonable and stubborn-how he feels for Junmyeon is unreasonable and stubborn, it’s crazy, and there’s clearly no sense in trying to pretend like it’s some virtuous, pretty thing for the movies.
Jongin will fight dirty if he has to. He’s fucked up somewhere along the way but there’s never been a second in his life he’s ever imagined it without being in love with Junmyeon at his side.
“Are you really sure you want--” Junmyeon starts, but Jongin’s already kissing him before he’s halfway finished the sentence. He’s stubborn about it as anything else, insistent as he licks at Junmyeon’s lips, sliding his tongue in when Junmyeon immediately relents. There’s impatience and clear desperation in it. Junmyeon wishes he hadn’t made Jongin feel that way but he can admit with a large helping of shame that he’s grateful Jongin still feels so strongly about him.
Jongin never meant to ignore him or put him on the backburner. Jongin would never do that to him; Jongin just had other plans, other people he wanted to see, and he does see Junmyeon every day, so everything just sort of stalled for them without it being anyone’s fault.
Still, it doesn’t change the fact that Junmyeon’s been lonely and hurting for months, and it’s his own fault for not bringing it up sooner, but he’s glad that Jongin will at least spend more time with him.
“I’m sorry,” Jongin whispers against his mouth, breathless and shaking, “I’m so sorry, hyung. You always come first, I’m so sorry I haven’t been showing you properly.”
“Ah, Jongin, no--” Junmyeon breathes, cupping Jongin’s cheeks, but Jongin just shakes his head.
“I’ll be a better boyfriend,” Jongin promises, “I’ll do my best, hyung.”
“I will too, Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon mumbles, completely in pieces with how in love he is, “I promise to tell you properly the next time I miss you.”
Jongin nods a few times, too shaken to keep answering. He doesn’t think Junmyeon would really break up with him but the talk they just had has frightened him. They’ve been together for so long now, there’s a lot less that Jongin can pass off on inexperience or ignorance, and really, Junmyeon is always so mindful and caring of him that Jongin needs to learn to stop taking it for granted.
So okay, alright, he’s learning-he’s got it from here on out. Being sick in love with Junmyeon’s never going to be a problem for him; it’s the showing it that he’s got to do better on.
---
“Uhhhh,” Chanyeol says, halted halfway into the kitchen.
Junmyeon turns to smile at him, hands busy with scooping an obnoxious portion of ice cream into the biggest bowl they own. “Hey, want some?”
Chanyeol assesses the bright, brilliant, beaming smile on Junmyeon’s face, then the fact that Jongin’s fully ignoring Chanyeol’s existence, draped all over Junmyeon from behind. “What…what flavor is--”
Jongin stops ignoring him then, but only to turn and give him a very flat look.
“Uh, nevermind,” Chanyeol says, sucking his lips into his mouth to contain his laughter. That Kim Jongin…he wouldn’t know subtlety if it kicked him in the face.
“You sure?” Junmyeon asks, then laughs when Jongin goes back to squeezing him.
Chanyeol arches an eyebrow, staring at the ironclad grip Jongin’s got around Junmyeon’s middle. He’s flush against him, leaning against him so far that Junmyeon’s tilted forward into the kitchen counter, but Chanyeol also hasn’t seen his hyung so happy in months.
“Let’s put chocolate syrup and pop rocks all over it,” Jongin mumbles into Junmyeon’s ear, chin wiggling on Junmyeon’s shoulder as he talks.
Silent, smiling, Chanyeol slips out of the kitchen to give them some privacy.
---
“Only at a simmer, and nothing more,” Kyungsoo says, the third time he’s taught kimchi jjigae this month alone, “but don’t forget about it either, or else you’ll get that gloopy stuff Chanyeol ended up with.”
Jongin nods, attentive and serious in a way that he rarely is outside of dance. He’s even got a notebook out for notes and Kyungsoo turns away to hide his smile, not wanting Jongin to see it.
“It’s okay to taste it as many times as you want while you make it, don’t worry about that either. You’ll eventually develop your own flavors and preferences.”
Jongin nods again, scribbling a bit more.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo says, giving Jongin a light punch on the arm, “Junmyeon-hyung’s really gonna love it, Jongin-ah.”
This time, he doesn’t turn away, grinning just as hard as Jongin is, happy to see the pleased flush on Jongin’s cheeks.
---
“It’s Friday, just go out,” Junmyeon says for the fourth time, laughing when Jongin putters around, hovering around him even longer. “Taeminnie’s free, right? Just go, you silly kid.”
“Stupid hyung,” Jongin says, pouting at him.
Junmyeon sighs, standing at the front door with Jongin, in disbelief that he’s basically having to kick Jongin out of here. He’s been living in fluffy clouds of bliss for the last two weeks with how much attention Jongin’s been giving him but he also wants Jongin to devote time to his other friends and relationships. He isn’t unreasonable-he was just lonely for too long, and now that they’ve got a better working balance going, Junmyeon’s also got most of his rationality back.
“Hey, come here,” he says, pulling Jongin in by the hip. He leaves a long, lingering kiss to Jongin’s mouth, breathing in Jongin’s sigh when they finally part. “Love you, silly kid. Now get out of here before I literally have to carry you out.”
“Be back soon,” Jongin mumbles, tugging at Junmyeon’s hair, “don’t go to bed without me!”
Junmyeon rolls his eyes, but of course he’s very pleased. “Bye, Kim Jongin!”
Jongin grins at him, all toothy and achingly beautiful. Junmyeon tries not to swoon.
It hasn’t been hard for Jongin to lavish Junmyeon with attention these past couple of weeks. He’d almost forgotten how wonderful it is, actually; they used to be this way all the time, especially when they were first together. Life as trainees was difficult and busy but it was nothing compared to now-Jongin regrets not appreciating all the time he had had with Junmyeon more back then. Still, these past two weeks have been perfect; he feels like he could dissolve, just turn to fizz with how happy he is, bubbles of joy floating into space. There’s nothing better than to have Junmyeon smile at him and kiss him and hold him together with those strong hands of his, always so gentle, always like he’s something precious.
“You’re staring,” Junmyeon complains, cheeks red, spine stiffening at the look in Jongin’s eyes. “Hurry up before I change my mind about you leaving.”
Jongin smiles and disappears out the door without another word, a heavy, slow thud in his chest, on the verge of pain. Right, that’s right. This is what love feels like-something exquisite, singularly unique, and that’s how he knows for certain he’s only felt it with Junmyeon.
---
Sehun lazily reads the text Jongin sends him literally ten seconds after he hears the front door close.
Sleep in my bed tonight, please? I’ll treat you to whatever you want tomorrow.
Sehun grins; he would’ve done it for free, but hey, if Jongin’s offering.
I’m not a cheap date, Kim Jongin! Prepare your wallet!
He grabs some of his sleep stuff and phone charger, humming to himself as he vacates his shared room with Junmyeon.
“Where are you going?” Junmyeon asks, passing him by in the hallway.
Sehun grins at him, all smiley eyes and high cheekbones. “To find peace, hyung. Peace.”
---
Junmyeon is three-quarters through his new novel when Jongin comes home and straight to his room.
“You’re back so early!” he exclaims, boggling at the clock. He expected Jongin to at least be out until midnight but it’s only half past ten. “Everything okay?”
Jongin swallows hard, taking in the sight of Junmyeon dressed down in a tshirt and sweats, his glasses sitting so handsome on his face. He wishes Junmyeon could wear contacts less during their day to day promotions too-he looks so good with glasses on.
“Everything’s okay, Taeminnie says hi,” Jongin says, locking the bedroom door behind him. He moves to the bed quickly, sitting down with a heavy thump. “He said it looked like I missed you so we just ate and then he forced me to leave.”
“What??” Junmyeon asks, bursting out laughing, “that Taemin did? That’s so strange of him.”
Okay, so actually, Taemin hadn’t put it quite like that. Apparently, Jongin had been gushing about Junmyeon all night without realizing it, and he had apparently been bouncing his leg nonstop too, so Taemin eventually flat out asked him how horny he was because it was going airborne and starting to suffocate him. Okay, so that conversation also had a lot more swear words in it too, but Jongin couldn’t even deny it-he has been itching to be intimate, and Junmyeon is just such a great boyfriend, and Jongin needs a lot more words in his vocabulary to describe it properly.
There aren’t even enough adjectives in existence to adequately encompass what he feels for Junmyeon. It’s just so big, so much, he could rip at all the seams and burst with it. He’s restless on the inside, a deep, endless craving for Junmyeon to fill.
“Did you want to finish your book?” Jongin asks, leg bouncing again, trying to hide how breathless he is. He still remembers earlier, the strength of Junmyeon’s hand on his hip, the way Junmyeon held onto him to kiss him.
Junmyeon gives him a long look, smile slowly starting to fade. Ah. He gets that look, he understands it just fine.
Thank god.
“No,” Junmyeon says, tossing his book and glasses straight onto the floor before he’s dragging Jongin in by the front of his hoodie.
As much as Jongin scrambles, as much as he rushes, there’s a distinct feeling that he’s never going to be able to catch up. Junmyeon kisses him into a daze, their hands everywhere on each other, mouth working against his hot and wet, tongue teasingly sliding against his until Jongin’s squirming in Junmyeon’s lap.
“Fuck, hyung, now!” he whines, not even asking for anything specific. He just needs more, he knows that, and he’s absolutely horrified that with a boyfriend this hot, he hasn’t been fucking him on the regular at least twice a week. What the hell has he been thinking for these past few months? He’s only 21, he shouldn’t even be able to think about anything else!
Junmyeon lets out a silent laugh against his mouth, clearly amused. He’s got them both out of their clothes in less than a minute, impressed that Jongin hadn’t been wearing any underwear.
Junmyeon’s hands are strong, sure, warm and gentle against his skin. Jongin arches into his embrace, moaning throatily as Junmyeon kisses down his neck, grinding up against him. Jongin shudders-Junmyeon is so hard, hard just for him. His mouth waters with how bad he wants it, anywhere at this point; in his hands, in his mouth, though preferably up his ass, he doesn’t even care.
Shaking with desperation, Jongin kisses Junmyeon again, wet and sloppy. His tongue drags along Junmyeon’s lower lip, biting down gently when Junmyeon rewards him with a deep moan.
“Jongin, I want you so bad,” Junmyeon breathes, eyes hooded and black want where his pupils should be. It rips a whine from Jongin’s throat, hair standing up on the back of his neck. Junmyeon’s on the precipice of his self-control; Jongin knows him too well, he knows exactly what it looks like when Junmyeon’s about to lose it.
Jongin reaches down for Junmyeon’s cock, throat tightening when he feels how hot it is in his hand. He rubs his palm over the sensitive head and smears precome down the hard length, catching Junmyeon’s appreciative groan into his own mouth. He has half a mind to wrangle himself out of Junmyeon’s grip just so he can get his mouth on him, suck him off, but Junmyeon grip tightens around him, almost like he’s read Jongin’s thoughts.
Instead, Jongin slides Junmyeon’s cock lower, between his asscheeks, moaning needily as Junmyeon grinds against his asscrack. Jongin clenches, thighs tight with impatience. He feels like he’s going to explode.
“Hyung!” he gasps, arching more as Junmyeon palms his ass with both hands, grip rough, mouth trailing south to take in one of his nipples. Jongin can’t stand it, he cries out, trying to push up into Junmyeon’s mouth while grinding down, cock flicking with interest each time the thick head of Junmyeon’s cock pushes against his hole. “Hyunnng,” he moans, whimpering when Junmyeon makes a tight space for his own cock, and Jongin can feel the hot length of it, the thick slide of it between his asscheeks. If only Junmyeon could always grope him like this; Jongin’s got a nice ass and he likes it best when Junmyeon appreciates it.
Junmyeon’s sucking noisily at his nipple, tongue flicking at it until it’s tingling with sore pleasure. Jongin’s about to lose his mind-he’s biting his lip so hard it really hurts, trying to keep his moans in. He has to be the one that reaches for the lube, mind in a whirl that Junmyeon is so caught up in his body that he can’t tear himself away. How’s that for an ego boost?
His hands are shaking so bad that he drops the lube the first time he tries to hand it over. Junmyeon laughs, but that’s shaking too, and Jongin doesn’t see any humor in his eyes when he looks into them.
“Fuck me, please,” Jongin begs, breaths hitching from the way Junmyeon’s staring at him, like he wants to eat him, “I need it, hyung.”
Junmyeon’s fingers are gentle but efficient as they work him open. Jongin’s never been hurt once in all the times they’ve done this but he thinks he wouldn’t even mind if Junmyeon were rougher with him sometimes, times like now, because no amount of fingers and Junmyeon’s patience will ever come close to the fullness and satisfaction of Junmyeon’s cock.
Jongin is collapsed into Junmyeon’s chest by the time Junmyeon’s fingerfucking him with four, moans choked and breathless into Junmyeon’s ear.
He sounds good. It’s better than any music Junmyeon’s ever heard. Junmyeon can feel the sticky spot of precome that Jongin’s cock has leaked onto his belly, overwhelmed by Jongin’s sensuality and desperation. Jongin is so good for him, curled up in his lap like this, and Junmyeon would just let Jongin do the work like Jongin probably wants, but he has other plans.
“Hyung!” Jongin whines, unhappy when Junmyeon’s fingers slide out of him. He wants Junmyeon’s cock but he also doesn’t like being empty; okay, and who said he had to be reasonable when he’s damn lost his mind with how bad he wants Junmyeon inside him?
“I’m going to fuck you, Jongin,” Junmyeon says plainly, sliding his hands up the beautiful expanse of Jongin’s body. He lingers at Jongin’s shoulders, pulling him in for a deep, tender kiss, tsking softly when Jongin tries to grind down onto his cock.
He wraps an arm around Jongin’s back and lays him down, spreading Jongin out on his sheets. This is what he likes to see the most: Jongin with his thighs spread to cushion Junmyeon between them, a deep flush high on his cheeks, eyes a glittering, bright black, trained only on him.
“You’re beautiful, Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon whispers, slowly pushing the head of his cock in. Jongin lets out a garbled response, more moan than anything, thighs tightening around Junmyeon’s hips.
It’s so thick, it’s so good. “Oh, god,” Jongin gasps, “Ah- ah! Uhn, hyung!” He arches his back off the bed, tip toes digging into the mattress, forcing himself down Junmyeon’s cock while Junmyeon forces him not to go too fast.
So careful, his hyung. Always so thoughtful, so gentle, so fucking perfect.
“Feels good,” Jongin says, half the words only breaths. Junmyeon reaches out and rescues his lower lip from getting gnawed at anymore between his teeth, replacing it with his mouth so Jongin can do something about that oral fixation of his.
Jongin doesn’t bother trying to rush at this point. He knows Junmyeon wouldn’t give in anyway, he never has once in all the years they’ve done this. He’s just happy to have Junmyeon inside of him, nice and hard and hot, filling him to the brim. Jongin clenches around him, groaning at how stretched his hole is-he’s still in disbelief every time they do this, he really just loves having Junmyeon inside him, so deep that there’s no room for Jongin to breathe.
He messily, lazily makes out with Junmyeon, moaning mindlessly loud as Junmyeon starts to thrust. There should be some volume control considering everyone’s home but Jongin is so horny he wants to cry, and Junmyeon’s cock is so good--it’s thick and hard, and it slides so slick in and out of him, the drag of him making Jongin’s thighs quiver with every thrust.
Planting his feet, Jongin tries to set the pace, wanting more of Junmyeon much faster. “H-hyung, please!” he whines when Junmyeon actually sits back and out of his reach, huffing like a spoiled kid when Junmyeon stops thrusting entirely.
“I’ll make you feel good, promise,” Junmyeon soothes, sliding his palms along Jongin’s hips and creamy thighs. “Come here.”
“Please, fuck me,” Jongin begs shakily, but he complies in the end, letting Junmyeon pull him more into his lap. His lower back is lifted off the bed and he’s totally nestled into Junmyeon’s lap now, breaths coming out in even shorter bursts now that Junmyeon’s seated so deep inside of him. The depth is mindnumbing-Jongin stares open-mouthed at Junmyeon’s dark expression and then at his own cock, painfully hard and dribbling precome onto his own belly.
Junmyeon puts those strong hands on his hips again and starts to guide him up, so Jongin plants his feet and tries to push off, but Junmyeon forces him still, only allows an inch of space for him to go. He brings Jongin back down instead, rolls his hips, rocks with him and grinds so deep into him that Jongin’s knees immediately turn to jelly and his legs give out.
“Junmyeon-hyung,” Jongin hisses, eyes wide with desperation, “I- oh god, ahh! Ahn- I- hyung!!” He throws his head back and bucks but Junmyeon isn’t letting him, Junmyeon just growls his name over and over again, grinds into him, fucks into him without really fucking him, working him slowly on his cock.
Jongin’s eyes roll back into his head, clawing at the sheets and Junmyeon’s forearms as he cries out with pleasure. He wants so bad to lift off of him and fuck himself on Junmyeon’s cock but Junmyeon’s grip is tighter than ever, nails digging crescents into either side of his hips. Jongin only has that last inch of Junmyeon’s cock to clench around, that thick, wide base, and he feels like he’s being fucked wide open, his hole stretched impossibly around Junmyeon where he’s thickest. The head of Junmyeon’s cock pushes against that good spot inside of him incessantly and since he’s barely thrusting, Jongin has no way to get away from it, forced to take every second of bliss like torture.
Junmyeon watches Jongin lose it on his sheets, hungrily devouring every second. Jongin’s spine arches beautifully each time he tries to arch higher, the blush snaking down his chest even prettier, but the best will always be the way Jongin looks at him while he begs to be fucked.
Bracing himself, Junmyeon rocks into Jongin much more insistently, whispering Jongin’s name without realizing it. Jongin’s walls squeeze him tight, flex around him as deeply as Junmyeon wants to go, sucking him in until Junmyeon feels like he’s melting into him. Jongin’s half-howling and incoherent but Junmyeon likes that, he likes that Jongin can feel that good with him.
It’s just too much. Jongin squeezes himself harder and harder around the wide base of Junmyeon’s cock, dry sobs wrenched from his throat, a mindless, helpless mess on Junmyeon’s sheets. “Please, let me come,” he chokes out, trying to be good, trying to make Junmyeon feel as good as Junmyeon’s making him feel, “please fill me up, hyung, please come inside me.”
Junmyeon cries out at the next clench, his cock throbbing with the need to release. Jongin’s good at that, pushing his buttons-he knows exactly what Junmyeon likes to hear.
“Come, Jongin,” he chokes out, thrusting deep but erratic into Jongin’s body, thighs on fire from exertion.
Jongin doesn’t need to be told twice. He gasps once, loud, then he’s raking his nails down the sides of Junmyeon’s thighs, sobbing and half-yelling as he comes around Junmyeon’s cock, entire body jerking with it. His stomach hurts from how tight he’s tensed up, lightning racing through his blood to fizzle out in his fingers and toes and at the roots of his hair, a hot splatter of his own come all over his belly and chest.
It’s good, it’s so good, oh, it’s so good.
He’s only half-conscious when Junmyeon follows a few short thrusts later, tensed over him. Jongin forces his eyes open to watch, whimpering helplessly to see the way Junmyeon’s face twists with pleasure, and it’s Jongin’s name on his lips as he comes.
“Hyung, it feels so good,” he moans, whines, really, words slurred, heart pounding in his ears. Orgasm looks good on Junmyeon; Jongin should make sure it happens more often.
He squirms just a little, gasping in noisy breaths as they both try to calm down, clenching around Junmyeon’s cock again just to make sure he’s got all of Junmyeon’s come in him. Yeah, the cleanup’s inconvenient, but there’s nothing quite like being filled up with Junmyeon’s come, nor the way Junmyeon looks at him after he’s done it.
Too tired to do anything else, Jongin just lies there and groans when Junmyeon finally parts from him, pouting childishly at Junmyeon like his hyung’s just done something to offend him.
“Are you okay?” Junmyeon whispers, heart still pounding away in his chest. He’s calmer now, though, and he tucks himself along Jongin’s side, collecting him into his chest.
“I feel good,” Jongin mumbles sleepily, pressing a wet kiss to Junmyeon’s mouth. “I love you, Junmyeon-hyung.” Junmyeon blushes prettily as soon as he says it because Jongin is still the one who says it less out of the two of them, but that doesn’t mean Jongin means it any less. “Thank you for taking such good care of me. I feel so good, like you have no idea, I feel like I could dissolve…soda bubbles…”
Junmyeon laughs quietly to himself, stroking Jongin’s hair as he mumbles himself straight into sleep. That’s so cute, Junmyeon’s going to think about it and swoon for the next week straight.
“Love you too, you silly kid,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Thanks for holding me together.”
---
“That sounded like the best sex Jongin has ever had,” Sehun says brightly to break the silence.
“Oh my god, just shut the fuck up,” Chanyeol groans. His earplugs are useless!
“I mean, have you ever heard him moan like that before?”
“I’m going to murder you in your sleep,” Kyungsoo informs, turning his music up higher.
---
Maturity, professionalism, keeping shit together-that’s what they all need to exercise, but Junmyeon in particular because he’s the leader.
That’s why he makes sure he doesn’t react to the fact that Jongin is literally breathing down his neck and hanging off of him. As ecstatic as he is on the inside, as much as he wants to turn around and kiss Jongin stupid, they’re on camera and there are about a hundred witnesses to silence afterward if he were to give in. Junmyeon’s smile widens a bit more when Jongin starts smacking his ass, totally nonchalant about it too.
From the corner of his eye, he sees Chanyeol arching an eyebrow at him. Ahh, it’s not his fault! Jongin is just so damn easy to love, and he’s so warm and cuddly, and his hands are all over Junmyeon even though Jongin isn’t one for overt public displays of affection.
Grinning like the sun rose just for him today, Junmyeon finishes with recording and drags Jongin after him for somewhere more private, hand wrapped around his wrist. It’s the closest thing to holding hands.
He ducks behind a changing curtain in their dressing room, not quite private but will do for now. “Kim Jongin!” he says, laughing and smiling too much to even pretend this is a scolding, “what do you think you’re doing?”
Jongin grins, easy confidence and puppy eyes. “Being properly in love with you?”
Oh, dammit. Junmyeon hears the most lovesick sigh leak out of him and he can’t even be embarrassed about it. He just cups Jongin’s smiley cheeks and kisses him, tender and warm, sharing a smile together.
---
SOOOO i was watching suho and xiumin and how suho would go in for a kiss omg kim junmyeon i love you so much
and then the following shitty tragedy happened
DAMMIT SUKAI WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THIS (ノಠ ∩ಠ)ノ………(/●◔∀◐●)/
i am a slave to this ship
someone send help, it's really serious
oh my word
thanks for reading, as always! :D