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The real meaning of TMI: obviously it starts/ends with Pete.
"Pornfiction?" Jon asks skeptically as they're getting back on the bus.
Ryan gives him a dark look. "Don't ask," he warns stormily.
Jon raises an eyebrow in confusion. "Okay, but how did you even-"
"Pete," Ryan glowers.
Ryan is clearly monumentally and uncharacteristically pissed.
"Pete," Jon says, and considers.
Pete sends him the story in a suspiciously short amount of time, along with the brief message: w/e floats yr boat are u sure u dont want some joncer instead?? ;) Jon doesn't really know what "Joncer" is, but if it causes Pete to use a winking emoticon, he decides he's probably better off without it.
Ryan is wrong. Panic! About my Sexuality isn't kind of sick, it's totally and completely revolting. Like, seriously disgusting. Seriously and totally and completely revoltingly disgusting and fucking fantastic.
Spencer needs to see it.
Spencer has just gotten to the part with Ryan moaning, You've got me right where you want me you know. Jon can tell because Spencer looks like he wants to vomit and die laughing at the same time. Also, Jon can tell because Spencer keeps repeating it out loud in horrified captivation.
"Where in the-?" Spencer finally asks, looking up.
"Pete," Jon announces and passes him the joint.
"Pete," Spencer breathes, as if he should have known. 'Pete,' seems to be the answer to a lot of things, Jon has noticed.
Spencer exhales smoke and then looks over at Jon, watery eyes clearly amused. "So tell me again what we're doing with this?"
Jon grins.
They're in the middle of another nondescript radio interview when Ryan's sidekick vibrates. He gives it a bored glance, freezes for a second, and then goes completely fuschia. His red cheeks make the blue stripe across his eyebrows look extra funny. Jon wants to burst out laughing.
Instead, he forces himself concentrate on Brendon's voice. "It's just a show," Brendon is saying cheerfully. "We give the fans what they want." He pats Ryan's thigh obliviously.
Jon thinks it's probably a good thing the listeners can't see Ryan's face.
"Are you okay?" Brendon asks Ryan afterwards, because Ryan looks very very angry. "Was it the interviewer?"
Ryan shakes his head.
"Was it the questions?" Brendon asks.
Ryan frowns.
"Was it the comment about your face mural?"
Ryan scowls.
Was it the graphic description of Brendon obliterating your anal virginity? Jon thinks and tries not to laugh, which gets a lot easier when Spencer painfully steps on his foot.
"Baby, just let me in!" Brendon cries dramatically and wraps himself around Ryan. Ryan blanches at the comment, and then looks like he wants to murder something.
Jon is pretty relieved they decided to get Gabe to send the text message.
Except that Gabe starts texting Ryan all the time. Well, more like Gabe, William, and Travis start texting Ryan all the time. They think the whole situation is fucking hilarious. Initially, Jon kind of agrees. But when Ryan gets a text message while they're on TRL and promptly turns purple and then refuses to talk to anyone for days, Jon finally decides the joke is over. Well, Spencer decides the joke is over and looks really really bitchy when he says it, so Jon emphatically agrees.
"It just wasn't fair," Gabe explains earnestly when they confront him. "We never get to see his reaction." He points to his laptop where the TRL clip is playing on buzznet. "Now we get to share in the fun. I mean, look at his fucking face, man. Priceless."
It is kind of funny, Jon has to admit. Silently.
"Look, you got your reaction, how about we stop now?" he says instead, trying to sound nice but not nice enough to piss Spencer off.
William looks outraged. "But we've only gotten to page two! The last line we sent was a total cliffhanger!"
"I'm pretty sure Ryan can figure out that it ends with both of them orgasming," Spencer snaps bitchily.
William clutches a hand to his heart. "He's your best friend in the whole world, Spencer Smith, and you want to deny him an orgasm?"
The way Spencer's eyes narrow sends a chill down Jon's spine. "If you don't stop harrassing my best friend in the whole world," Spencer says in terrifyingly calm tone. "I will be denying you orgasms for the rest of your life."
The text messages stop.
Ryan relaxes. More importantly, Spencer relaxes.
Life is good again.
Then one day Brendon turns off Jon and Spencer's game of Mario Kart and holds up the crinkled copy of Panic! About my Sexuality. The look on his face lets Jon know that life is not good again.
The look on Spencer's face lets Jon know that life is very very very not good again.
"What is this?" Brendon asks hesitantly. Jon feels dirty. He shouldn't, because honestly Brendon's proven himself to be a pretty huge whore, but: Brendon fiddles with his Aladdin shirt. Jon feels old and dirty.
"It was just a joke, texting Ryan-"
Brendon's eyes widen in a way that would be comical if Jon couldn't physically feel Spencer's glare slowly boring a hole into the side of his head. "This is why Ryan was mad that whole time?" Brendon asks.
"Well, it was supposed to be like, really funny-" Jon trails off to let Spencer chime in with his whole hearted agreement. The bus remains oppressively silent.
Brendon starts to leave.
"It was-" Jon tries again, but by then, Brendon is already gone.
Brendon is acting strangely. He avoids them all day and then forces Zach to go with him to "Target" that evening.
They're gone a long time.
When they finally return, Brendon quickly assures Jon that everything is fine, but he looks preoccupied and goes to bed far too early.
Jon worries that Brendon is grossed out or scared or hiding from him. Anyone who knows anything about Brendon would be able to tell that something is seriously wrong here, and Jon would like to think he knows Brendon pretty well.
Jon clearly doesn't know Brendon at all.
Brendon isn't grossed out and Brendon isn't scared and Brendon is definitely not hiding.
No, Brendon is standing in the middle of the tour bus' tiny kitchen wearing nothing but a feather boa and tighty whities and doing a really fucking impressive job of reenacting the opening scene of the story they're all way too familiar with at this point.
"Let me write sins not tragedies," Brendon proclaims loudly as he gracelessly invades Ryan's personal space. "Let me write them on your body."
Milk dribbles out of Ryan's open mouth.
"Let's exchange body heat in your breakfast seat."
Brendon reaches out and squishes Ryan's face, so that more milk runs down his chin.
"What," Ryan finally manages to say, "How the hell do you know about, about-"
Brendon presses a finger messily against Ryan's lips. "I know all about Jon's story, Ryan. I'm-"
"Jon?" Ryan asks, his attention completely diverted. "Jon's story?"
"Silence," Brendon instructs again, but this time, Ryan just bats the insistent finger away. "Jon's story? Why would he call it Jon's story?" He glares at Jon. "Unless you somehow knew something about the text messages?"
S.S. Jon Walker is going down. Jon shoots Spencer a last pleading look.
Spencer pointedly continues the Lucky Charms wordsearch.
"Um," Jon defends himself articulately.
"I hate you," Ryan says in a monotone. "I hate you passionately and I hate you deeply. You are going to be making this up to me for a very. very. very long time."
They're in the middle of Moulin Rouge when Jon's sidekick vibrates. It's from Pete. He says hi. He says ":)". He says the weather is nice.
Then he says some other stuff.
Jon now has a pretty vivid idea of what "Joncer" might mean.
"So," he says conversationally once the nausea has subsided. "When you said it would take a long time before you forgave me."
"It's chaptered," Ryan interrupts without looking away from the tv.
"Right." Jon scratches his head obligingly. "Cool," he says and makes a mental note to change his number.
"Pornfiction?" Jon asks skeptically as they're getting back on the bus.
Ryan gives him a dark look. "Don't ask," he warns stormily.
Jon raises an eyebrow in confusion. "Okay, but how did you even-"
"Pete," Ryan glowers.
Ryan is clearly monumentally and uncharacteristically pissed.
"Pete," Jon says, and considers.
Pete sends him the story in a suspiciously short amount of time, along with the brief message: w/e floats yr boat are u sure u dont want some joncer instead?? ;) Jon doesn't really know what "Joncer" is, but if it causes Pete to use a winking emoticon, he decides he's probably better off without it.
Ryan is wrong. Panic! About my Sexuality isn't kind of sick, it's totally and completely revolting. Like, seriously disgusting. Seriously and totally and completely revoltingly disgusting and fucking fantastic.
Spencer needs to see it.
Spencer has just gotten to the part with Ryan moaning, You've got me right where you want me you know. Jon can tell because Spencer looks like he wants to vomit and die laughing at the same time. Also, Jon can tell because Spencer keeps repeating it out loud in horrified captivation.
"Where in the-?" Spencer finally asks, looking up.
"Pete," Jon announces and passes him the joint.
"Pete," Spencer breathes, as if he should have known. 'Pete,' seems to be the answer to a lot of things, Jon has noticed.
Spencer exhales smoke and then looks over at Jon, watery eyes clearly amused. "So tell me again what we're doing with this?"
Jon grins.
They're in the middle of another nondescript radio interview when Ryan's sidekick vibrates. He gives it a bored glance, freezes for a second, and then goes completely fuschia. His red cheeks make the blue stripe across his eyebrows look extra funny. Jon wants to burst out laughing.
Instead, he forces himself concentrate on Brendon's voice. "It's just a show," Brendon is saying cheerfully. "We give the fans what they want." He pats Ryan's thigh obliviously.
Jon thinks it's probably a good thing the listeners can't see Ryan's face.
"Are you okay?" Brendon asks Ryan afterwards, because Ryan looks very very angry. "Was it the interviewer?"
Ryan shakes his head.
"Was it the questions?" Brendon asks.
Ryan frowns.
"Was it the comment about your face mural?"
Ryan scowls.
Was it the graphic description of Brendon obliterating your anal virginity? Jon thinks and tries not to laugh, which gets a lot easier when Spencer painfully steps on his foot.
"Baby, just let me in!" Brendon cries dramatically and wraps himself around Ryan. Ryan blanches at the comment, and then looks like he wants to murder something.
Jon is pretty relieved they decided to get Gabe to send the text message.
Except that Gabe starts texting Ryan all the time. Well, more like Gabe, William, and Travis start texting Ryan all the time. They think the whole situation is fucking hilarious. Initially, Jon kind of agrees. But when Ryan gets a text message while they're on TRL and promptly turns purple and then refuses to talk to anyone for days, Jon finally decides the joke is over. Well, Spencer decides the joke is over and looks really really bitchy when he says it, so Jon emphatically agrees.
"It just wasn't fair," Gabe explains earnestly when they confront him. "We never get to see his reaction." He points to his laptop where the TRL clip is playing on buzznet. "Now we get to share in the fun. I mean, look at his fucking face, man. Priceless."
It is kind of funny, Jon has to admit. Silently.
"Look, you got your reaction, how about we stop now?" he says instead, trying to sound nice but not nice enough to piss Spencer off.
William looks outraged. "But we've only gotten to page two! The last line we sent was a total cliffhanger!"
"I'm pretty sure Ryan can figure out that it ends with both of them orgasming," Spencer snaps bitchily.
William clutches a hand to his heart. "He's your best friend in the whole world, Spencer Smith, and you want to deny him an orgasm?"
The way Spencer's eyes narrow sends a chill down Jon's spine. "If you don't stop harrassing my best friend in the whole world," Spencer says in terrifyingly calm tone. "I will be denying you orgasms for the rest of your life."
The text messages stop.
Ryan relaxes. More importantly, Spencer relaxes.
Life is good again.
Then one day Brendon turns off Jon and Spencer's game of Mario Kart and holds up the crinkled copy of Panic! About my Sexuality. The look on his face lets Jon know that life is not good again.
The look on Spencer's face lets Jon know that life is very very very not good again.
"What is this?" Brendon asks hesitantly. Jon feels dirty. He shouldn't, because honestly Brendon's proven himself to be a pretty huge whore, but: Brendon fiddles with his Aladdin shirt. Jon feels old and dirty.
"It was just a joke, texting Ryan-"
Brendon's eyes widen in a way that would be comical if Jon couldn't physically feel Spencer's glare slowly boring a hole into the side of his head. "This is why Ryan was mad that whole time?" Brendon asks.
"Well, it was supposed to be like, really funny-" Jon trails off to let Spencer chime in with his whole hearted agreement. The bus remains oppressively silent.
Brendon starts to leave.
"It was-" Jon tries again, but by then, Brendon is already gone.
Brendon is acting strangely. He avoids them all day and then forces Zach to go with him to "Target" that evening.
They're gone a long time.
When they finally return, Brendon quickly assures Jon that everything is fine, but he looks preoccupied and goes to bed far too early.
Jon worries that Brendon is grossed out or scared or hiding from him. Anyone who knows anything about Brendon would be able to tell that something is seriously wrong here, and Jon would like to think he knows Brendon pretty well.
Jon clearly doesn't know Brendon at all.
Brendon isn't grossed out and Brendon isn't scared and Brendon is definitely not hiding.
No, Brendon is standing in the middle of the tour bus' tiny kitchen wearing nothing but a feather boa and tighty whities and doing a really fucking impressive job of reenacting the opening scene of the story they're all way too familiar with at this point.
"Let me write sins not tragedies," Brendon proclaims loudly as he gracelessly invades Ryan's personal space. "Let me write them on your body."
Milk dribbles out of Ryan's open mouth.
"Let's exchange body heat in your breakfast seat."
Brendon reaches out and squishes Ryan's face, so that more milk runs down his chin.
"What," Ryan finally manages to say, "How the hell do you know about, about-"
Brendon presses a finger messily against Ryan's lips. "I know all about Jon's story, Ryan. I'm-"
"Jon?" Ryan asks, his attention completely diverted. "Jon's story?"
"Silence," Brendon instructs again, but this time, Ryan just bats the insistent finger away. "Jon's story? Why would he call it Jon's story?" He glares at Jon. "Unless you somehow knew something about the text messages?"
S.S. Jon Walker is going down. Jon shoots Spencer a last pleading look.
Spencer pointedly continues the Lucky Charms wordsearch.
"Um," Jon defends himself articulately.
"I hate you," Ryan says in a monotone. "I hate you passionately and I hate you deeply. You are going to be making this up to me for a very. very. very long time."
They're in the middle of Moulin Rouge when Jon's sidekick vibrates. It's from Pete. He says hi. He says ":)". He says the weather is nice.
Then he says some other stuff.
Jon now has a pretty vivid idea of what "Joncer" might mean.
"So," he says conversationally once the nausea has subsided. "When you said it would take a long time before you forgave me."
"It's chaptered," Ryan interrupts without looking away from the tv.
"Right." Jon scratches his head obligingly. "Cool," he says and makes a mental note to change his number.