DAY 5: Bicycle Pump
Title: Bicycle Pump
Written by: exollent
Pairing: Yixing/Sehun, BFFs! SeLu
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Body Swap
Summary: In which Lu Han becomes Sehun, Sehun becomes Lu Han, Yixing is Extremely Confused about His Feelings and Jongin mostly wants to kill Lu Han.
Being the maknae of EXO is hard. Well, that's what Sehun states and is of the strong (but excellent) opinion that everyone practices ageism against him. Everyone sends him down with money to collect takeout in the freezing cold. Everyone (re: Yixing hyung) makes him practice extra because he forgets all his steps. Everyone makes him do gwiyomi for them as punishment because Sehun hates being called cute.
Cute is what you are and will always be, Lu Han will always say and fondly pinch Sehun's cheeks while he lets out yelps in indignation and puffs his bony chest out. He is not cute. He is manly.
However, life doesn't just stay hard. It gets harder. It gets a hundred times more complicated when Sehun wakes up one day as Lu Han.
It doesn't register at first. He stirs and yawns, reaching down to scratch his balls absently. A frown turns Sehun's lips down. Something feels off, he thinks, as he grabs his dick and gives it a few strokes. His eyes pop open and he lets go of his dick immediately.
That definitely didn't feel like his dick. His is longer and not as thick when hard. He stares at his hands and panic makes bile rush to his throat. Okay, these are certainly not his fingers. His are longer. In fact …. he brings them up to his eyes and swallows.
They look like Lu Han's hands. Running a frantic hand through his hair, he gets out of bed, noting the coarser texture. Again, like Lu Han's. His hyung's hair is damaged from too much crazy experimenting with colour in his teens. Sehun's only recently started colouring his hair.
Fuck. The growing sense of something not quite right continues to mount.
He glances at the lump in the bed opposite his. Wait, that's … his bed, right? Oh god, he must be having a nightmare. But anyway, he's going to drag the sheet down Lu Han's face. And then he will see Lu han's face. Lu Han's. Face. Yes.
Sehun inches forward. With one swift moment, he drags the sheet down.
"Oh …. my … god ….."
Fast asleep in Sehun's bed is Sehun himself.
Sehun opens his mouth and screams.
Yifan looks extremely confused. Sehun doesn't blame him. He's wondering whether he should call himself Lu Han right now. Next to him, Yixing keeps staring at both of them. Lu Han keeps rocking back and forth on the couch. Sehun opens his mouth to say something and promptly shuts it.
This is nothing short of simply bizarre.
"Wait so," Yixing says. "Basically, Sehun is Lu Han and Lu Han is Sehun."
"Well spotted," Sehun says acidly. Yixing looks even more weirded out. "What?"
"It's just," Yixing says. "I've never seen Lu Han's face look like someone stuffed a couple of lemons in his mouth."
Sehun flips him for that. He watches in mild interest as Lu Han's, wait his, shoulders continue to shake. It's quite interesting to see how fidgety his body is now. Sehun is usually lax and impassive. Now Lu Han makes him look like he has a continuous twitch.
Jongin and Zitao are busy looking up "IRL Freaky Friday shit" on Naver. Sehun looks over Zitao's shoulder to see if they've come up with anything useful. So far, it's mostly just a lot of porn and Nicolas Cage macros. He looks away, deciding he doesn't want to know.
"Okay," Joonmyun says, as he pops his head in, looking extremely frazzled. "I've told Seunghwan-hyung at least six times now that Lu Han and Sehun have pneumonia. He's coming over in ten minutes so you guys have till then to fake fevers."
"Oh fuck," Lu Han curses, and he stands up a little too quickly, stumbling a bit, still not used to Sehun's longer legs. "Sehun, come on. We need to boil water."
"Boil water for what-"
"So we can pour it into bottles and then hold it over our foreheads. That should raise our temperatures by a few degrees."
"Do I want to know how many times you've had to fake a fever though?"
Lu Han laughs brightly and once again, Sehun is almost unnerved to see himself looking so happy. It's almost like they're living in some kind of a strange alternate dimension at the moment.
"Good god," Lu Han says later, when they're both tucked in bed and Seunghwan has bought their little pneumonia charade (albeit most of it was Lu Han being extremely dramatic and Seunghwan looked extremely confused about Sehun suddenly being so … animated) . "It's like you're Jamie Lee Curtis and I'm Lindsay Lohan. Except since this isn't a romantic comedy we aren't ending up with any hot guys."
"When you put it like that, I only feel a hundred times worse," says Sehun, burying his face in his pillow. He wishes someone would smother him to death right now.
"I do want my dick back," says Lu Han, strangely cheerful. "But think of all the fun we can have while we're like this."
"Like what?" Sehun questions, still feeling like complete shit. "I tried fapping in the shower today. But when I looked at your dick, my brain mentally screamed no in ten different languages."
"You reek down there, fuck off," says Lu Han, but he's annoyingly still buoyant. "Think about how awesome this is. You're Lu Han and I'm Sehun."
"I need a painkiller."
"Don't look so grumpy, you'll give my gorgeous face a hundred more wrinkles."
"You already have wrinkles around your eyes."
"Sehun, I'm going to touch your smelly dick."
"OH GOD NO."
The first strange thing Sehun realizes he can now do while in Lu Han's body is sing.
So he sings. In the shower at 6 AM in the morning, happily reaching the notes of My Lady that he never could before Zitao kicks at the bathroom door and tells him to cut down on the caterwauling. All the time under his breath in the van while going back and forth from the dorms to the SM building and Yixing not-so-discreetly stuffs orange earplugs in.
"You sound like a broken record," says Yixing.
"Your Korean is shitty," says Sehun.
"Your Mandarin is shittier."
Sehun pouts, but it's true. It's also been really odd for all the Chinese EXO members since they're so used to grabbing Lu Han by the scruff of his neck and demanding he translate whatever command their dance instructor barks at them in Korean.
The second strange thing is dealing with Yixing's clingy nature. Sehun never realized Lu Han's best friend lacked the comprehension of the simple term "personal space" but he does. Yixing seems to have forgotten about the freak body swapping incident in which Sehun became Lu Han and Lu Han became Sehun so now he's stuck with being Yixing's very own human-sized pillow.
All of this is extremely unfortunate and fortunate for Sehun at the same time, because his breathing hitches when Yixing forgets he's not Lu Han again and drops his head on Sehun's shoulder, dark curls tickling him, just under his chin.
"Hyung," Sehun starts, in a small voice.
"Hmm?" Yixing doesn't get up. Instead he just twists his head to look up and fix Sehun with a sleepy smile.
"What if I'm stuck like this with Lu Han-ge for a long time? Like, till the day we both die?"
"Don't be pessimistic, Oh Sehun," says Yixing, a sudden clarity and focus coming into his eyes that Sehun doesn't usually see. He wonders then if Yixing knows more than he lets on. If he's intensely aware of how different Sehun makes Lu Han seem. Sehun hopes and wishes and desperately prays so. It's been a long time since their first awkward introduction and how he couldn't stop staring when Yixing performed a perfect split in front of him. Maybe he was showing off but back then, when Sehun was younger he wanted so much to be like Yixing. As focused, intense and happy. Maybe that's why Lu Han was always better friends with Yixing and Sehun wasn't. Maybe Yixing has never noticed him all this time as always despite how much Sehun childishly wants it to be the case.
Maybe being in love with Zhang Yixing really sucks.
Maybe being Lu Han who is allowed to touch Yixing and be touched by Yixing really fucking sucks because it is nothing short than a warped exquisite torture when Yixing absent-mindedly reaches for Lu Han's, no, Sehun's hand.
But does Yixing notice?
Sehun can't help but be pessimistic. Lu Han is so much more wonderful and talented than him. Certainly, he's prettier, but Lu Han and Yixing are the Wonder Duo.
He could never compare.
"I can't help but be pessimistic," says Sehun softly, looking away and out of the window,
"Hey," Yixing says suddenly, nudging his shoulder. "Are you legal to drink?"
"Not really, no."
"Well you're in Lu Han's body so it doesn't really matter anyway," Yixing says. "He's legal so by extension, that means you are."
Sehun wants to tell him that is pretty shitty logic by any extension but then Yixing is grinning at him and he imagines he's probably smiling Lu Han's idiot grin at his "best friend" in return.
Jongin is Extremely Mad when Sehun gets on Skype to chat with him.
"Can you guys body swap back or whatever?" Jongin instantly demands. There are dark circles under his eyes and he looks stressed.
"Why, what's Lu Han been doing?" Sehun asks, mildly concerned. They're promoting in different countries now and Sehun has been faking laryngitis for the past week to get out of speaking Mandarin. Luckily for him, Lu Han's cultivated a shy TV persona who hates talking much so he gets out of doing lots of things. Once, a Sina TV host made a snide comment about how Lu Han suddenly seemed so much more "cranky and withdrawn". Yixing's hand has instantly tightened around Sehun's behind their backs, and Sehun accepted the small comfort gratefully, already feeling out of element enough as it was. Well technically, he was.
Out of his element and out of his body.
The most nightmarish out-of-body experience no one would ever want, least of all, him.
"Yo, I just want my best friend back because Lu Han? Lu Han sucks," Jongin says, looking so irate he might probably explode like Veruca. "He's played so many pranks on me, I swear to god, I'm dealing with a man child here. He also makes you look demonic and half-possessed all the time. Once Joonmyun-hyung was so tired he mixed up beds and slept on yours and then Lu Han actually kicked him off. He's a …. baby-faced Satan."
Sehun sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. He pulls at some of the loose strings from the frayed ends of Lu Han's Totoro pyjamas. "That … sounds in keeping with hyung," he says sadly. "I might have forgotten to mention to you. Lu Han is generally fond of wreaking havoc. If the world were to end, you can safely assume Lu Han was responsible for it."
"Just looking at you is getting my blood pressure up," says Jongin. "He also never listens during dance practice. I just have to tell you to do shit and you'll follow me and we're good, right? I can't count the number of times he's stepped on my feet, man."
"I step on toes too," Sehun reminds him gently.
"Yeah, but you do it to Chanyeol so it's not like that's my problem!"
"Hm, true-"
A loud oof sounds and Sehun squints at his screen. He can hear Jongin yelling GET OFF ME SATAN and embarrassingly high-pitched laughter he recognizes as his own. Sehun grimaces. Looking at Lu Han, or well, himself, is always strangely painful.
"Sehunnie," coos Lu Han, when he finally surfaces with an Extremely Mad Jongin again after having bear-tackled him. Sehun suppresses a shiver. Lu Han does make himself look rather … hyper. That's even kindly putting it.
"Hey hyung," he says, in a very careful and hesitant tone. "How have you been … dealing?"
"Oh, wonderful!" Lu Han exclaims, grinning from ear to ear. He tightens his hold around Jongin's neck like a noose. Sehun decides he does feel sorry for his best friend.
"I love being you," Lu Han continues with a wink Sehun didn't even know he could make. "Well, I have only had to touch your dick a grand total of three times so I think I'm coping very well! I make up for my frustration about not being able to fap by using other outlets … you might say."
"He's got too much energy," Jongin grunts, fighting and failing to break free of Lu Han's hold. He manages to twist his head to fix his hyung with a dirty look. "I'm going to kill you, hyung," Jongin says seriously.
Lu Han laughs, entirely too delighted. He reaches out with his other hand, to muss Jongin's hair up. "Oh you little one, aren't you simply adorable."
Sehun watches himself giggling and petting Jongin's hair and wonders if the earth could swallow him whole at any given moment.
"You move differently."
Sehun freezes in the middle of unscrewing the cap of his water bottle. His cheeks heat up, and he curses, knowing the pink spreads over Lu Han's skin faster.
"Oh?" He asks, turning away and pointedly avoiding Yixing's eyes which feel like they're burning holes into his back right now. "How so?"
Yixing smiles and pulls him closer, wrapping an arm around his waist. Lu Han's waist, Sehun frantically reminds himself, aware of how they're both wearing tanks.
"You move like Sehun because you are Sehun," Yixing says.
"And how does Sehun move?" Sehun asks, worrying the pink of his lip as Yixing's hot breath fans the column of his neck and the sensitive skin behind his right ear.
"Sometimes stiff," Yixing says, and that makes Sehun tense and purse his lips instantly. He waits for more critique, not knowing why he shouldn't have expected this. Of course, Yixing will give him pointers and he should respectfully listen because he is Sehun's senior.
"And sometimes so graceful, you can't help but draw people's attention."
Sehun feels like the breath has been forcefully sucked out of his lungs with a bicycle pump. He dares a look back and swallows when he notices Yixing's lips are just a few centimeters away.
"I-" The words die an early death in his throat when Yixing cups his cheeks and presses their lips together.
That this is decidedly strange is not up for debate. That this is wonderful and making his toes curl is a whole other issue. Yixing's moved his hands down and settles them on Sehun's, no, god, Lu Han's hips. That Yixing is also a really good kisser doesn't help matters. Sehun lets out a whimper and Yixing cups the small of his back and suddenly Sehun's eyes snap back open.
Yixing isn't kissing Sehun. Yixing is kissing Lu Han.
Lu Han-
Not Sehun.
Lu Han-
Not him. It would never be him.
"We should stop," says Sehun quietly, splaying his palms over Yixing's chest. He feels like he's going to die when he realizes Yixing's nipples are hard under the thin cotton of his grey tank. "This is weird, hyung."
"What is weird about it?" Yixing asks, tilting his head to the side, his eyes widening in that infuriating comical manner Sehun adores and despises at the same time.
"I'm kissing you. Is there something wrong with that?" Yixing is starting to resemble a kicked puppy. Now Sehun really hates his life.
"No! I mean-yes! I mean, come off it. I'm stuck in Lu Han's body!"
Yixing folds his arms together, looking like he still doesn't really get it.
"So?"
Sehun makes an eye roll that looks very strange on Lu Han's amiable rabbit face and runs off the stage where they were practicing Angel, feeling like he might really just burst into tears.
Which he does much later, while huddled up in his bed and listening to Ai Cuo by Wang Lee Hom on repeat. Sehun's eyes are red as hell when he ventures out to use the washroom later and he looks at Lu Han's washed out face with a kind of sick satisfaction.
Maybe he should Skype with Lu Han now. His hyung would probably faint in horror when he sees how shitty he looks at the moment.
Lu Han does look aghast.
"My poor baby," he tuts, looking so concerned it makes Sehun want to cry. He's never seen his face look so expressive before and he doesn't think he'll ever really get used to it. It's so strange. Lu Han is also wearing one of Sehun's snapbacks and an ugly oversized sweater that is a mess of violently pink and purple zigzags. Sehun wouldn't even let his corpse be caught dead in such horrid attire.
He decides not to bring it up when he's feeling emotionally vulnerable at the moment.
"I feel very sensitive right now," Sehun says, peeling off his toenails. He sniffs a little and Lu Han pouts.
"What on earth happened?" Lu Han demands.
"I kissed Yixing."
"So what, he's a dumb little-WAIT YOU KISSED YIXING?"
Sehun looks up. "Yes," he repeats sullenly. "I kissed your best friend and. He kissed me back."
"You touched my lips to Yixing's lips?" Lu Han looks like he's going to be sick.
"He has nice lips," Sehun mumbles.
"Stop peeling my toenails off, that is disgusting."
Sehun continues peeling off Lu Han's toenails.
"You touched my lips to Yixing's, I think I need a moment before I can console you here."
"It's not my fault we're stuck in different bodies and I can't kiss Yixing in my own body!"
"Why can't you be patient and wait for this …. whenever this stupid body swapping thing is done?"
"This is not a dumb movie, Lu Han!" Sehun yells, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I don't know if I'm ever going to wake up from this nightmare. I don't know whether Yixing even thought about me while he was kissing me! You know what? You might be having fun prank-calling restaurants from Jongin's phone in Mandarin and making his life miserable when they call back to yell at him. But I'm going to fucking kill Yixing any moment. He's driving me crazy."
"I'm not having fun," Lu Han retorts, sounding much more subdued now. There, Sehun thinks. Now that's a little bit more like himself. "I'm always worried about you, Sehun. I know you've loved him for awhile now."
"Yeah, oh well," Sehun sniffles some more. "He's poop to me."
"Don't be so dramatic," Lu Han says, but still looking concerned. "I'm sure he wants to pull your pants down. My pants down. Oh fuck, this is nasty. Don't ever let him pull your pants down, Oh Sehun."
Sehun groans because Lu Han is again aptly proving how he is the most embarrassing hyung to have but he manages to laugh weakly and smile. Despite how much of a menace Lu Han is to society, he's always been there for Sehun.
The part where he's currently being a menace to society while stuck in Sehun's body still sucks though.
"You know who's being a dumbass right now?"
Yixing politely rephrases the question. "Who's being a dumbass right now, Lu Han?"
Lu Han, or well, Sehun, jabs Yixing in the chest. Yixing licks his lips absently, eyeing Lu Han's mouth. Sehun's mouth. EXO is currently flying to Shanghai for SM Town. Lu Han exchanged boarding passes with Jongin to make sure he was sitting with Yixing. Jongin's face was half-parts ecstasy and pure relief as he sagged down in the seat besides Sehun, or well, Lu Han.
"You!"
"Me?"
"No one else. You are a piece of shit who doesn't seem to realize that my loveliest dongsaeng is literally wading through a whole lot of dramatic teenage angst just because you haven't told him you would like to pull his pants down and do the dirty with him. I have never seen a more confused and irritating douchebag in my entire life, Zhang Yixing and that is you so help me God if you don't fix shit up with Sehun, I will end you."
Yixing blinks. Then he stares at his boner in horrified fascination along with Lu Han.
"Damn," Yixing says. "Sehun sounds so hot cussing in Mandarin. Could you repeat all of that so I can record you this time?"
The sound that Lu Han makes is pure outrage. "I am going to kill you." He takes deep breaths while Yixing only continues to drink in Sehun's flushed face, staring blatantly at his mouth. "You are hopeless, Zhang Yixing. And so whipped for Oh Sehun, I don't even know what to say to you anymore. Do you not know how to function normally when you're in love?"
"No," Yixing says, with a sad face. "Can I kiss you?"
"What the fuck is wrong with you? No."
Yixing corners Sehun after SM Town and he's towelling his hair after coming out of the shower. Well, Lu Han. Sehun. Lu Han. Yixing has no idea anymore. He's fast losing focus.
"Can we talk?"
"No," Sehun says, curt.
"I think we should talk," Yixing says gently, coiling his fingers loosely around Sehun's waist.
Sehun looks up to fix him with an unreadable look. "Why? What do you have to say?"
Yixing has a long explanation ready for this. He's going to tell Sehun all the things he's always wanted to say but never known how to verbalize. Like how his heart always beat that much faster whenever Sehun would glance at him after dance practice, with pure adoration in his eyes. Or how he's always thinking he should reach out and wipe the soy sauce away from the corner of Sehun's thin mouth while he's wolfing yaki tori takeout down like a pig. Maybe add in something about how Sehun's Mandarin has always been so bad but he secretly finds it very endearing how the younger boy will never get some of the tones down.
He should probably also tell Sehun he's always wanted to bend him over on their dining table and yeah, well-
"You're wonderful," he blurts out instead.
Sehun's mouth takes on a familiar pinched look. Lu Han's mouth. Does it even matter? The one which says he's simultaneously hurt and mad at the same time. Yixing knows all of this. God alone knows he's spent a fuckton of time studying Sehun and his dumb faces and trying to figure out just what makes him tick.
"What?"
"I said," Yixing repeats, louder now. "You're wonderful. Not Lu Han, okay. Lu Han really sucks and he's butt-ugly. You're prettier. And better. Yeah, wonderful."
Sehun stays still and silent for a long moment. The corners of Lu Han's mouth twitch, fighting to break out into a wide smile. He looks up at Yixing and pummels his shoulder a couple of times.
Yixing grins. He lets Sehun pummel him some more, eyes shining with unshed tears.
"Asshole," Sehun says, but there's no fight to it. "I know."
"Sure," Yixing says. "Just. Come here. Stop being such an insufferable little shit for once."
Sehun steps into his arms, small and slightly timid. Yixing holds him tightly and then presses his mouth firmly to the outer shell of Lu Han's ear. "You're wonderful," he says again in a whisper, and Sehun sniffs. "Just you. Not Lu Han."
The first thing Sehun does when he wakes up in his own body the morning after SM Town, is to examine his dick thoroughly. He exhales in relief. His nuts were obviously a top concern while they were in Lu Han's charge. Getting out of bed, he smiles at Joonmyun, who thrashes around in his bed all the time and messes up his bedsheets.
Yixing pressing insistent kisses between Sehun's collar bones is the second thing that happens. Sehun smiles tiredly when Yixing slowly pulls his night pants down.
"We'll have to be quiet," Yixing says, casting a furtive glance at Lu Han who is thankfully back in his own body and dead to the world.
Sehun nods. However, he is anything but quiet when Yixing slides two fingers, slick with spit into his butt while sucking him off.
"Yixing," he whines, trying to lift his hips up so he can fuck his butt on Yixing's fingers.
"Come on, hyung. Fuck me."
"Shh."
Sehun bites down hard on his knuckles while Yixing works his way up Sehun's hips, kissing and biting every bit of pale smooth skin he can reach.
He thinks he's going to really lose it right there and cum when Yixing dips his tongue into his navel.
"You're so loud. You need to stay quiet."
"How am I supposed to stay quiet!"
Lu Han wakes up to the sound of moans. His eyes snap open and he makes two immediate inferences.
A) He's back in his own body, but before he has time to rejoice over this-
B) Yixing is fucking Sehun.
"Oh my god," Lu Han screams. "I was sleeping and this is a thing I do not want to be seeing!"
Yixing pauses, mid-thrust and Sehun lets out another needy whine, eyes fogged with arousal.
"Door's over there," Yixing grunts, and continues fucking Sehun.
"What."
Sehun lets out a breathy giggle.
"Hyung, do you want to see this or-"
"No one tells me to get out."
"Then you can just stay and watch us, we're not stopping," Yixing says, leaning in so Sehun can palm his cheeks and press their lips together.
Lu Han slams the hotel door and leans against it with a groan. "I have the worst best friends ever. Fine, whatever, fuck and be gross. I'm fabulous on my own."
He remembers Jongin is probably still sleeping and an evil grin slowly spreads on his face.
Written by: exollent
Pairing: Yixing/Sehun, BFFs! SeLu
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Body Swap
Summary: In which Lu Han becomes Sehun, Sehun becomes Lu Han, Yixing is Extremely Confused about His Feelings and Jongin mostly wants to kill Lu Han.
Being the maknae of EXO is hard. Well, that's what Sehun states and is of the strong (but excellent) opinion that everyone practices ageism against him. Everyone sends him down with money to collect takeout in the freezing cold. Everyone (re: Yixing hyung) makes him practice extra because he forgets all his steps. Everyone makes him do gwiyomi for them as punishment because Sehun hates being called cute.
Cute is what you are and will always be, Lu Han will always say and fondly pinch Sehun's cheeks while he lets out yelps in indignation and puffs his bony chest out. He is not cute. He is manly.
However, life doesn't just stay hard. It gets harder. It gets a hundred times more complicated when Sehun wakes up one day as Lu Han.
It doesn't register at first. He stirs and yawns, reaching down to scratch his balls absently. A frown turns Sehun's lips down. Something feels off, he thinks, as he grabs his dick and gives it a few strokes. His eyes pop open and he lets go of his dick immediately.
That definitely didn't feel like his dick. His is longer and not as thick when hard. He stares at his hands and panic makes bile rush to his throat. Okay, these are certainly not his fingers. His are longer. In fact …. he brings them up to his eyes and swallows.
They look like Lu Han's hands. Running a frantic hand through his hair, he gets out of bed, noting the coarser texture. Again, like Lu Han's. His hyung's hair is damaged from too much crazy experimenting with colour in his teens. Sehun's only recently started colouring his hair.
Fuck. The growing sense of something not quite right continues to mount.
He glances at the lump in the bed opposite his. Wait, that's … his bed, right? Oh god, he must be having a nightmare. But anyway, he's going to drag the sheet down Lu Han's face. And then he will see Lu han's face. Lu Han's. Face. Yes.
Sehun inches forward. With one swift moment, he drags the sheet down.
"Oh …. my … god ….."
Fast asleep in Sehun's bed is Sehun himself.
Sehun opens his mouth and screams.
Yifan looks extremely confused. Sehun doesn't blame him. He's wondering whether he should call himself Lu Han right now. Next to him, Yixing keeps staring at both of them. Lu Han keeps rocking back and forth on the couch. Sehun opens his mouth to say something and promptly shuts it.
This is nothing short of simply bizarre.
"Wait so," Yixing says. "Basically, Sehun is Lu Han and Lu Han is Sehun."
"Well spotted," Sehun says acidly. Yixing looks even more weirded out. "What?"
"It's just," Yixing says. "I've never seen Lu Han's face look like someone stuffed a couple of lemons in his mouth."
Sehun flips him for that. He watches in mild interest as Lu Han's, wait his, shoulders continue to shake. It's quite interesting to see how fidgety his body is now. Sehun is usually lax and impassive. Now Lu Han makes him look like he has a continuous twitch.
Jongin and Zitao are busy looking up "IRL Freaky Friday shit" on Naver. Sehun looks over Zitao's shoulder to see if they've come up with anything useful. So far, it's mostly just a lot of porn and Nicolas Cage macros. He looks away, deciding he doesn't want to know.
"Okay," Joonmyun says, as he pops his head in, looking extremely frazzled. "I've told Seunghwan-hyung at least six times now that Lu Han and Sehun have pneumonia. He's coming over in ten minutes so you guys have till then to fake fevers."
"Oh fuck," Lu Han curses, and he stands up a little too quickly, stumbling a bit, still not used to Sehun's longer legs. "Sehun, come on. We need to boil water."
"Boil water for what-"
"So we can pour it into bottles and then hold it over our foreheads. That should raise our temperatures by a few degrees."
"Do I want to know how many times you've had to fake a fever though?"
Lu Han laughs brightly and once again, Sehun is almost unnerved to see himself looking so happy. It's almost like they're living in some kind of a strange alternate dimension at the moment.
"Good god," Lu Han says later, when they're both tucked in bed and Seunghwan has bought their little pneumonia charade (albeit most of it was Lu Han being extremely dramatic and Seunghwan looked extremely confused about Sehun suddenly being so … animated) . "It's like you're Jamie Lee Curtis and I'm Lindsay Lohan. Except since this isn't a romantic comedy we aren't ending up with any hot guys."
"When you put it like that, I only feel a hundred times worse," says Sehun, burying his face in his pillow. He wishes someone would smother him to death right now.
"I do want my dick back," says Lu Han, strangely cheerful. "But think of all the fun we can have while we're like this."
"Like what?" Sehun questions, still feeling like complete shit. "I tried fapping in the shower today. But when I looked at your dick, my brain mentally screamed no in ten different languages."
"You reek down there, fuck off," says Lu Han, but he's annoyingly still buoyant. "Think about how awesome this is. You're Lu Han and I'm Sehun."
"I need a painkiller."
"Don't look so grumpy, you'll give my gorgeous face a hundred more wrinkles."
"You already have wrinkles around your eyes."
"Sehun, I'm going to touch your smelly dick."
"OH GOD NO."
The first strange thing Sehun realizes he can now do while in Lu Han's body is sing.
So he sings. In the shower at 6 AM in the morning, happily reaching the notes of My Lady that he never could before Zitao kicks at the bathroom door and tells him to cut down on the caterwauling. All the time under his breath in the van while going back and forth from the dorms to the SM building and Yixing not-so-discreetly stuffs orange earplugs in.
"You sound like a broken record," says Yixing.
"Your Korean is shitty," says Sehun.
"Your Mandarin is shittier."
Sehun pouts, but it's true. It's also been really odd for all the Chinese EXO members since they're so used to grabbing Lu Han by the scruff of his neck and demanding he translate whatever command their dance instructor barks at them in Korean.
The second strange thing is dealing with Yixing's clingy nature. Sehun never realized Lu Han's best friend lacked the comprehension of the simple term "personal space" but he does. Yixing seems to have forgotten about the freak body swapping incident in which Sehun became Lu Han and Lu Han became Sehun so now he's stuck with being Yixing's very own human-sized pillow.
All of this is extremely unfortunate and fortunate for Sehun at the same time, because his breathing hitches when Yixing forgets he's not Lu Han again and drops his head on Sehun's shoulder, dark curls tickling him, just under his chin.
"Hyung," Sehun starts, in a small voice.
"Hmm?" Yixing doesn't get up. Instead he just twists his head to look up and fix Sehun with a sleepy smile.
"What if I'm stuck like this with Lu Han-ge for a long time? Like, till the day we both die?"
"Don't be pessimistic, Oh Sehun," says Yixing, a sudden clarity and focus coming into his eyes that Sehun doesn't usually see. He wonders then if Yixing knows more than he lets on. If he's intensely aware of how different Sehun makes Lu Han seem. Sehun hopes and wishes and desperately prays so. It's been a long time since their first awkward introduction and how he couldn't stop staring when Yixing performed a perfect split in front of him. Maybe he was showing off but back then, when Sehun was younger he wanted so much to be like Yixing. As focused, intense and happy. Maybe that's why Lu Han was always better friends with Yixing and Sehun wasn't. Maybe Yixing has never noticed him all this time as always despite how much Sehun childishly wants it to be the case.
Maybe being in love with Zhang Yixing really sucks.
Maybe being Lu Han who is allowed to touch Yixing and be touched by Yixing really fucking sucks because it is nothing short than a warped exquisite torture when Yixing absent-mindedly reaches for Lu Han's, no, Sehun's hand.
But does Yixing notice?
Sehun can't help but be pessimistic. Lu Han is so much more wonderful and talented than him. Certainly, he's prettier, but Lu Han and Yixing are the Wonder Duo.
He could never compare.
"I can't help but be pessimistic," says Sehun softly, looking away and out of the window,
"Hey," Yixing says suddenly, nudging his shoulder. "Are you legal to drink?"
"Not really, no."
"Well you're in Lu Han's body so it doesn't really matter anyway," Yixing says. "He's legal so by extension, that means you are."
Sehun wants to tell him that is pretty shitty logic by any extension but then Yixing is grinning at him and he imagines he's probably smiling Lu Han's idiot grin at his "best friend" in return.
Jongin is Extremely Mad when Sehun gets on Skype to chat with him.
"Can you guys body swap back or whatever?" Jongin instantly demands. There are dark circles under his eyes and he looks stressed.
"Why, what's Lu Han been doing?" Sehun asks, mildly concerned. They're promoting in different countries now and Sehun has been faking laryngitis for the past week to get out of speaking Mandarin. Luckily for him, Lu Han's cultivated a shy TV persona who hates talking much so he gets out of doing lots of things. Once, a Sina TV host made a snide comment about how Lu Han suddenly seemed so much more "cranky and withdrawn". Yixing's hand has instantly tightened around Sehun's behind their backs, and Sehun accepted the small comfort gratefully, already feeling out of element enough as it was. Well technically, he was.
Out of his element and out of his body.
The most nightmarish out-of-body experience no one would ever want, least of all, him.
"Yo, I just want my best friend back because Lu Han? Lu Han sucks," Jongin says, looking so irate he might probably explode like Veruca. "He's played so many pranks on me, I swear to god, I'm dealing with a man child here. He also makes you look demonic and half-possessed all the time. Once Joonmyun-hyung was so tired he mixed up beds and slept on yours and then Lu Han actually kicked him off. He's a …. baby-faced Satan."
Sehun sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. He pulls at some of the loose strings from the frayed ends of Lu Han's Totoro pyjamas. "That … sounds in keeping with hyung," he says sadly. "I might have forgotten to mention to you. Lu Han is generally fond of wreaking havoc. If the world were to end, you can safely assume Lu Han was responsible for it."
"Just looking at you is getting my blood pressure up," says Jongin. "He also never listens during dance practice. I just have to tell you to do shit and you'll follow me and we're good, right? I can't count the number of times he's stepped on my feet, man."
"I step on toes too," Sehun reminds him gently.
"Yeah, but you do it to Chanyeol so it's not like that's my problem!"
"Hm, true-"
A loud oof sounds and Sehun squints at his screen. He can hear Jongin yelling GET OFF ME SATAN and embarrassingly high-pitched laughter he recognizes as his own. Sehun grimaces. Looking at Lu Han, or well, himself, is always strangely painful.
"Sehunnie," coos Lu Han, when he finally surfaces with an Extremely Mad Jongin again after having bear-tackled him. Sehun suppresses a shiver. Lu Han does make himself look rather … hyper. That's even kindly putting it.
"Hey hyung," he says, in a very careful and hesitant tone. "How have you been … dealing?"
"Oh, wonderful!" Lu Han exclaims, grinning from ear to ear. He tightens his hold around Jongin's neck like a noose. Sehun decides he does feel sorry for his best friend.
"I love being you," Lu Han continues with a wink Sehun didn't even know he could make. "Well, I have only had to touch your dick a grand total of three times so I think I'm coping very well! I make up for my frustration about not being able to fap by using other outlets … you might say."
"He's got too much energy," Jongin grunts, fighting and failing to break free of Lu Han's hold. He manages to twist his head to fix his hyung with a dirty look. "I'm going to kill you, hyung," Jongin says seriously.
Lu Han laughs, entirely too delighted. He reaches out with his other hand, to muss Jongin's hair up. "Oh you little one, aren't you simply adorable."
Sehun watches himself giggling and petting Jongin's hair and wonders if the earth could swallow him whole at any given moment.
"You move differently."
Sehun freezes in the middle of unscrewing the cap of his water bottle. His cheeks heat up, and he curses, knowing the pink spreads over Lu Han's skin faster.
"Oh?" He asks, turning away and pointedly avoiding Yixing's eyes which feel like they're burning holes into his back right now. "How so?"
Yixing smiles and pulls him closer, wrapping an arm around his waist. Lu Han's waist, Sehun frantically reminds himself, aware of how they're both wearing tanks.
"You move like Sehun because you are Sehun," Yixing says.
"And how does Sehun move?" Sehun asks, worrying the pink of his lip as Yixing's hot breath fans the column of his neck and the sensitive skin behind his right ear.
"Sometimes stiff," Yixing says, and that makes Sehun tense and purse his lips instantly. He waits for more critique, not knowing why he shouldn't have expected this. Of course, Yixing will give him pointers and he should respectfully listen because he is Sehun's senior.
"And sometimes so graceful, you can't help but draw people's attention."
Sehun feels like the breath has been forcefully sucked out of his lungs with a bicycle pump. He dares a look back and swallows when he notices Yixing's lips are just a few centimeters away.
"I-" The words die an early death in his throat when Yixing cups his cheeks and presses their lips together.
That this is decidedly strange is not up for debate. That this is wonderful and making his toes curl is a whole other issue. Yixing's moved his hands down and settles them on Sehun's, no, god, Lu Han's hips. That Yixing is also a really good kisser doesn't help matters. Sehun lets out a whimper and Yixing cups the small of his back and suddenly Sehun's eyes snap back open.
Yixing isn't kissing Sehun. Yixing is kissing Lu Han.
Lu Han-
Not Sehun.
Lu Han-
Not him. It would never be him.
"We should stop," says Sehun quietly, splaying his palms over Yixing's chest. He feels like he's going to die when he realizes Yixing's nipples are hard under the thin cotton of his grey tank. "This is weird, hyung."
"What is weird about it?" Yixing asks, tilting his head to the side, his eyes widening in that infuriating comical manner Sehun adores and despises at the same time.
"I'm kissing you. Is there something wrong with that?" Yixing is starting to resemble a kicked puppy. Now Sehun really hates his life.
"No! I mean-yes! I mean, come off it. I'm stuck in Lu Han's body!"
Yixing folds his arms together, looking like he still doesn't really get it.
"So?"
Sehun makes an eye roll that looks very strange on Lu Han's amiable rabbit face and runs off the stage where they were practicing Angel, feeling like he might really just burst into tears.
Which he does much later, while huddled up in his bed and listening to Ai Cuo by Wang Lee Hom on repeat. Sehun's eyes are red as hell when he ventures out to use the washroom later and he looks at Lu Han's washed out face with a kind of sick satisfaction.
Maybe he should Skype with Lu Han now. His hyung would probably faint in horror when he sees how shitty he looks at the moment.
Lu Han does look aghast.
"My poor baby," he tuts, looking so concerned it makes Sehun want to cry. He's never seen his face look so expressive before and he doesn't think he'll ever really get used to it. It's so strange. Lu Han is also wearing one of Sehun's snapbacks and an ugly oversized sweater that is a mess of violently pink and purple zigzags. Sehun wouldn't even let his corpse be caught dead in such horrid attire.
He decides not to bring it up when he's feeling emotionally vulnerable at the moment.
"I feel very sensitive right now," Sehun says, peeling off his toenails. He sniffs a little and Lu Han pouts.
"What on earth happened?" Lu Han demands.
"I kissed Yixing."
"So what, he's a dumb little-WAIT YOU KISSED YIXING?"
Sehun looks up. "Yes," he repeats sullenly. "I kissed your best friend and. He kissed me back."
"You touched my lips to Yixing's lips?" Lu Han looks like he's going to be sick.
"He has nice lips," Sehun mumbles.
"Stop peeling my toenails off, that is disgusting."
Sehun continues peeling off Lu Han's toenails.
"You touched my lips to Yixing's, I think I need a moment before I can console you here."
"It's not my fault we're stuck in different bodies and I can't kiss Yixing in my own body!"
"Why can't you be patient and wait for this …. whenever this stupid body swapping thing is done?"
"This is not a dumb movie, Lu Han!" Sehun yells, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I don't know if I'm ever going to wake up from this nightmare. I don't know whether Yixing even thought about me while he was kissing me! You know what? You might be having fun prank-calling restaurants from Jongin's phone in Mandarin and making his life miserable when they call back to yell at him. But I'm going to fucking kill Yixing any moment. He's driving me crazy."
"I'm not having fun," Lu Han retorts, sounding much more subdued now. There, Sehun thinks. Now that's a little bit more like himself. "I'm always worried about you, Sehun. I know you've loved him for awhile now."
"Yeah, oh well," Sehun sniffles some more. "He's poop to me."
"Don't be so dramatic," Lu Han says, but still looking concerned. "I'm sure he wants to pull your pants down. My pants down. Oh fuck, this is nasty. Don't ever let him pull your pants down, Oh Sehun."
Sehun groans because Lu Han is again aptly proving how he is the most embarrassing hyung to have but he manages to laugh weakly and smile. Despite how much of a menace Lu Han is to society, he's always been there for Sehun.
The part where he's currently being a menace to society while stuck in Sehun's body still sucks though.
"You know who's being a dumbass right now?"
Yixing politely rephrases the question. "Who's being a dumbass right now, Lu Han?"
Lu Han, or well, Sehun, jabs Yixing in the chest. Yixing licks his lips absently, eyeing Lu Han's mouth. Sehun's mouth. EXO is currently flying to Shanghai for SM Town. Lu Han exchanged boarding passes with Jongin to make sure he was sitting with Yixing. Jongin's face was half-parts ecstasy and pure relief as he sagged down in the seat besides Sehun, or well, Lu Han.
"You!"
"Me?"
"No one else. You are a piece of shit who doesn't seem to realize that my loveliest dongsaeng is literally wading through a whole lot of dramatic teenage angst just because you haven't told him you would like to pull his pants down and do the dirty with him. I have never seen a more confused and irritating douchebag in my entire life, Zhang Yixing and that is you so help me God if you don't fix shit up with Sehun, I will end you."
Yixing blinks. Then he stares at his boner in horrified fascination along with Lu Han.
"Damn," Yixing says. "Sehun sounds so hot cussing in Mandarin. Could you repeat all of that so I can record you this time?"
The sound that Lu Han makes is pure outrage. "I am going to kill you." He takes deep breaths while Yixing only continues to drink in Sehun's flushed face, staring blatantly at his mouth. "You are hopeless, Zhang Yixing. And so whipped for Oh Sehun, I don't even know what to say to you anymore. Do you not know how to function normally when you're in love?"
"No," Yixing says, with a sad face. "Can I kiss you?"
"What the fuck is wrong with you? No."
Yixing corners Sehun after SM Town and he's towelling his hair after coming out of the shower. Well, Lu Han. Sehun. Lu Han. Yixing has no idea anymore. He's fast losing focus.
"Can we talk?"
"No," Sehun says, curt.
"I think we should talk," Yixing says gently, coiling his fingers loosely around Sehun's waist.
Sehun looks up to fix him with an unreadable look. "Why? What do you have to say?"
Yixing has a long explanation ready for this. He's going to tell Sehun all the things he's always wanted to say but never known how to verbalize. Like how his heart always beat that much faster whenever Sehun would glance at him after dance practice, with pure adoration in his eyes. Or how he's always thinking he should reach out and wipe the soy sauce away from the corner of Sehun's thin mouth while he's wolfing yaki tori takeout down like a pig. Maybe add in something about how Sehun's Mandarin has always been so bad but he secretly finds it very endearing how the younger boy will never get some of the tones down.
He should probably also tell Sehun he's always wanted to bend him over on their dining table and yeah, well-
"You're wonderful," he blurts out instead.
Sehun's mouth takes on a familiar pinched look. Lu Han's mouth. Does it even matter? The one which says he's simultaneously hurt and mad at the same time. Yixing knows all of this. God alone knows he's spent a fuckton of time studying Sehun and his dumb faces and trying to figure out just what makes him tick.
"What?"
"I said," Yixing repeats, louder now. "You're wonderful. Not Lu Han, okay. Lu Han really sucks and he's butt-ugly. You're prettier. And better. Yeah, wonderful."
Sehun stays still and silent for a long moment. The corners of Lu Han's mouth twitch, fighting to break out into a wide smile. He looks up at Yixing and pummels his shoulder a couple of times.
Yixing grins. He lets Sehun pummel him some more, eyes shining with unshed tears.
"Asshole," Sehun says, but there's no fight to it. "I know."
"Sure," Yixing says. "Just. Come here. Stop being such an insufferable little shit for once."
Sehun steps into his arms, small and slightly timid. Yixing holds him tightly and then presses his mouth firmly to the outer shell of Lu Han's ear. "You're wonderful," he says again in a whisper, and Sehun sniffs. "Just you. Not Lu Han."
The first thing Sehun does when he wakes up in his own body the morning after SM Town, is to examine his dick thoroughly. He exhales in relief. His nuts were obviously a top concern while they were in Lu Han's charge. Getting out of bed, he smiles at Joonmyun, who thrashes around in his bed all the time and messes up his bedsheets.
Yixing pressing insistent kisses between Sehun's collar bones is the second thing that happens. Sehun smiles tiredly when Yixing slowly pulls his night pants down.
"We'll have to be quiet," Yixing says, casting a furtive glance at Lu Han who is thankfully back in his own body and dead to the world.
Sehun nods. However, he is anything but quiet when Yixing slides two fingers, slick with spit into his butt while sucking him off.
"Yixing," he whines, trying to lift his hips up so he can fuck his butt on Yixing's fingers.
"Come on, hyung. Fuck me."
"Shh."
Sehun bites down hard on his knuckles while Yixing works his way up Sehun's hips, kissing and biting every bit of pale smooth skin he can reach.
He thinks he's going to really lose it right there and cum when Yixing dips his tongue into his navel.
"You're so loud. You need to stay quiet."
"How am I supposed to stay quiet!"
Lu Han wakes up to the sound of moans. His eyes snap open and he makes two immediate inferences.
A) He's back in his own body, but before he has time to rejoice over this-
B) Yixing is fucking Sehun.
"Oh my god," Lu Han screams. "I was sleeping and this is a thing I do not want to be seeing!"
Yixing pauses, mid-thrust and Sehun lets out another needy whine, eyes fogged with arousal.
"Door's over there," Yixing grunts, and continues fucking Sehun.
"What."
Sehun lets out a breathy giggle.
"Hyung, do you want to see this or-"
"No one tells me to get out."
"Then you can just stay and watch us, we're not stopping," Yixing says, leaning in so Sehun can palm his cheeks and press their lips together.
Lu Han slams the hotel door and leans against it with a groan. "I have the worst best friends ever. Fine, whatever, fuck and be gross. I'm fabulous on my own."
He remembers Jongin is probably still sleeping and an evil grin slowly spreads on his face.