DAY 13: Now my feet won’t touch the ground
Title: Now my feet won’t touch the ground
Written by: pillowfrost
Pairing: Lu Han/Sehun
Rating: R
Warnings: None
Summary: Five years on, EXO disbands. Lu Han spends another three years lying to himself before he finds his way back home again.
The lights of Incheon look different when you’re 1,000 feet high above the city. Lu Han looks out of the tiny window from his seat, down at the golden stream of lights which get closer with each second. He’s probably made the most memories in Korea - some good, some bad; now, they are just a constant reminder of could-have-beens. Lu Han is nervous, and it’s showing in the way he’s gripping his armrests, it’s in the set of his jaw and the way he refuses to make eye-contact with anyone. The lady next to him is middle-aged and sweet. She pats his hand and tells him that everyone has been scared of flying at some point of time; he’ll get over it one day.
He’s kept in contact with a few of the other EXO members since he left, mostly the ones he’s always been close to: Yifan, Yixing, Minseok. Three years away. He hasn’t spoken to some of the others at all in those years, but he’s always monitored their progress, heart swelling with pride as Yifan lands another drama; Jongin’s dance company wins another competition; the variety show that Chanyeol co-hosts picks up another award at the SBS Entertainment awards. Sometimes he goes online and searches for their past performances, watches them late into the night. Sometimes he thinks, what if he hadn’t gone home to his parents, what if he had gone on to build a solo career for himself, what if he had allowed himself to love.
They’re descending into the clouds now, and Lu Han recalls the times he snuck of out of class to hang out in the convenience store at the foot of Yonsei; when he’d wandered the streets of Apgujeong, hoping to get spotted; practising late into the night and slipping out the side door of their company building to get kimbap and snacks. It’s the everyday things that sit in his mind. He remembers a pair of laughing, crinkled eyes, a smile revealing a tiny overbite, and a warm hand in his.
Lu Han rubs a finger over the worn corner of the script he’s holding. It had been sent by courier from Yifan, together with a scrawled note, don’t make me fly to Beijing to drag your sorry ass here. He shuffles it behind the stack of paper that’s the original reason why he’s back in Korea. He stares at it for awhile, rereads the lyrics he’s carefully crafted, dozens of songs he’s poured his feelings into when he feels like he can’t bear the loneliness anymore. There are songs about love, songs about lovers, songs about his memories of Korea, songs of his everyday life back in Beijing. There’s a song about dumplings. They are his love letters for the three years he’s been away; an explanation, or so Lu Han hopes, of why he had to go.
A decade or so playing the unfilial son had felt like enough. So after EXO officially disbanded, he had gone back to Beijing to be the son his parents had always wanted him to be: secures a stable job, meets a few nice girls from time to time, brings his parents out for a fancy dinner on the first Sunday of every month. Lu Han tells himself he’s happy like this. Content.
When he finally works up the courage to tell his parents that he wants to go back to Korea, they don’t protest. He guesses the only person who bought into his show of happiness was himself. But he hopes every day with his parents has helped to close the gap created by those years he was away. Lu Han thinks of the people he left behind in Korea. He thinks of Sehun. He hopes three years isn’t too late to close the new gap that opened when he left.
Somewhere in between transits in Hong Kong, the terrifying crush of fans at Incheon and the multiple stops all over China - Chengdu, Jiangsu, Nanjing, Beijing, he can’t name them all - Lu Han falls in love.
He can’t put a finger on when exactly it happens. It might have been the first time they won an award together at MAMA, when he heard Sehun’s jubilant, “We did it, hyung!” and turned around just in time to be enveloped in a bearhug. It might have been during their first solo concert when he’d landed badly during his solo, and all he remembers was Sehun ushering him backstage the second the song ended, tugging off his shoe and warm fingers circling his ankle, concern written all over Sehun’s usually straight face. Or maybe it was any of those times when Lu Han slouched in a plane seat with one hand over Sehun’s head, keeping him from slipping off his shoulder as he napped, just like the way he is now.
Lu Han watches Sehun sleep for a moment and the unexpected surge of emotion is completely overwhelming. He drops his hand and watches the buildings rush up towards them as the plane descends. The motion wakes Sehun.
“Hyung, are we landing yet?”
Lu Han doesn’t dare turn because he’s afraid his heart will show in his eyes. So he resolutely looks out the window and says, “Not yet. Probably another 10 minutes.” But he doesn’t draw his hand away when Sehun laces their fingers together.
Lu Han’s learnt how impulsive decisions can change your life. Pursue your dreams, follow your heart. It’s secured him a recording contract, a group that’s successful across Asia and love from fans all over the world. It has also gotten him the answering machine every time he calls home. So he carefully gathers up his feelings and tucks them safely back into his heart.
Lu Han lets himself into Yixing’s apartment. He had left Seoul in a hurry, leaving almost everything behind, but he’d forgotten to return the key, and Yixing had never mentioned it. It’s like he’d taken Lu Han moving out as more of a protracted holiday than a permanent departure. It seems Yixing was right, he always did know Lu Han better than he knew himself.
Lu Han leaves his bags and coat in the corner by the entrance and moves, trance-like, to touch the familiar walls and surfaces. The photos he put up together with Yixing when they’d first moved in are still there. Older ones from when they were still trainees, to their debut, and then four comebacks later. There are so many group photos; one, two, three to twelve heads in each of them. It’s a weird habit Lu Han’s developed - he always numbers off the members in photos to make sure they’re not missing anyone. New pictures have been added and he pauses at a photo that’s dated a year after he left Korea - it looks like the backstage of one of Baekhyun’s musicals. Eleven faces, a small space next to Sehun who’s got his usual frown on. Lu Han rubs his thumb over the empty spot.
He finds comfort that his body knows where to move, to the kitchen on the left, to his old bedroom along the corridor behind the sofa. Yixing’s away monitoring a rookie group’s concert choreography and he’ll be back later that evening, so the apartment is quiet and empty. There are no unmatched socks littering the living room floor, no sound of running water or the buzz of the television; lived-in scatter absent.
Lu Han considers the prospect of making this space home again and it starts a warm glow in his chest. Approximately half an hour after Lu Han told Yixing about his plans to move back to Korea, Yifan had called to offer him an opportunity to co-host a China-Korea travel show. Lu Han had been skeptical.
“Who wants a 30 year old has-been to host a show?” He’d protested. He meant to start out slow, work his way up from the bottom again, but Yifan had been insistent.
“Who are you trying to kid, Lu Han? I can still see your selcas on QQ. Your face is exactly the same as it was ten years ago. My producer will fall over herself trying to get you to sign on for a second season.”
Lu Han is not sure why his friends have refused to let go all this time he’s shut them out, but he’s grateful. His thoughts are interrupted by his phone ringing and he answers it without checking because honestly, there’s only one person who has this number and knows he’s back.
“Yo! Lu Han!” Yixing’s voice comes crackling over the phone line, warm, familiar, something Lu Han hugs to himself. “Settled down okay in the apartment? You know where everything is, right? I didn’t really change much since you left.”
Yixing babbles on and ends with, “see you later!”, before he hangs up. It’s like nothing has changed.
Sometimes Lu Han feels like nothing has changed in the five years from their debut. They are in a private room at their favourite barbecue place post their final goodbye concert. It’s their last night performing to a completely sold-out Jamsil Olympic Stadium and everyone is still on a high. Yixing’s leaning over Zitao and Joonmyun’s thighs to reach for Baekhyun, who’s distracted playing some stupid game with Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and Jongdae. Across the table, Minseok is trying to carry a conversation with Yifan over Jongin’s head. It’s a tangled mess of happiness.
It’s like nothing has changed and yet everything has. There are small lines across Yifan’s forehead despite his rigorous skincare regimen, Minseok finally looks his age, Jongin’s nursing his waist with a hot compress. Tonight was the last time they performed together as EXO. This is EXO, but this is also a group of men who have gone through the rollercoaster life of a pop idol, and have plans for their lives, their futures stretched out ahead of them in acting, singing, dancing - success. Lu Han feels like a failure. He thinks of the ticket he has back home, lying next to his passport on his dresser.
And then there is Sehun, laughing loudly as Chanyeol loses the game and has to hook a sock over one ear. He turns and catches Lu Han’s eye; there’s this incredibly happy smile on Sehun’s face and it’s like they are 18 and 22 again, holding hands as they head overseas for the first time as a group. Lu Han has to look away.
By the time Jongdae has made his 50th toast to Lee Soo Man it’s almost 5am and they’re all mostly drunk, some more than others.
Lu Han isn’t drunk, but he’s definitely not sober either, and he feels like he’s living out one of the BL mangas he used to keep stashed in his underwear drawer in the dorm when Sehun quietly asks him if he would rather follow him home. He doesn’t say anything, just piles on his coat and scarf and silently follows Sehun out into a waiting cab.
Sehun’s fingers are tight around his elbow as he guides him into the elevator of his apartment and Lu Han imagines he can feel the warmth of those fingertips seeping in through the layers of his jacket, sweater and shirt. They haven’t said anything since they got into the cab but somehow it’s comfortable.
He’s not sure what he expects out of Sehun’s apartment - it’s the first time Lu Han’s seen it since their dorm lease lapsed two months ago - but it looks cosy and lived-in. He toes off his shoes at the front door and follows Sehun into the living room. For some reason, Sehun just stands there and looks at him and suddenly, it comes rushing at Lu Han that Sehun isn’t a boy anymore.
Lu Han has always been able to tell when something was up with Sehun, but there are these walls around him, even when he was younger, that stop Lu Han from figuring out the actual issue. Tonight though, the want and sadness in his eyes let Lu Han know that Sehun is more inebriated than he lets on. It prompts Lu Han to close the gap between them and slide a sweaty palm up Sehun’s jaw.
Sehun is startled.
“Lu Han, I didn’t mean anything when I invited you home. I just... didn’t think you should have gone home alone in that state.”
Lu Han is quiet for a moment, his next words just barely above a whisper. “It’s not like I don’t want this either.”
It’s really not like Lu Han doesn’t want this. He’s wanted for weeks, months, years, and the thought of leaving this all behind weighs on him until he decides to give in. So when Sehun leans in, breath hovering over Lu Han’s lips, Lu Han kisses him first.
He lets Sehun walk him to the bedroom, his lips never leaving Lu Han’s. It feels like it’s been a long time coming when they fuck on Sehun’s bed, Lu Han coming undone at Sehun’s touches, so familiar and unfamiliar all at the same time. Lu Han’s got his arms around Sehun’s neck, arching into him, when he looks into Sehun’s eyes and sees all the love that he could possibly want reflecting back at him. That’s when he realises what a terrible, terrible, mistake he’s made as he comes, hot and sticky over both their stomachs.
Lu Han begs Yixing to time their arrival to the reunion late, but not too late, hoping they can sneak in with one of the later arrivals and escape notice.
He’s not sure why he even tried. They end up being the last to arrive, and the second he steps in through the door, silence falls over the group gathered. Then Chanyeol is leaping to his feet and Lu Han flinches because the look of ferocity that is on his face is terrifying and his hand is drawn back in a fist - which stops just short of his face. Chanyeol’s expression gives way to relief and suddenly he’s hugging Lu Han so tight, saying, “Lu Han, you bastard. I can’t believe you just left without saying goodbye!”
And then a quieter, “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
It’s like Chanyeol’s outburst makes the years melt away because in an instant, Baekhyun is all over him, and there’s Kyungsoo wringing his hand, Minseok pulling him in for a long, long, hug like he’s afraid Lu Han will bolt if he lets go. Jongin is standing by the side, an impossibly wide smile across his face, hands tucked into his pockets.
There’s a lot of back thumping, and how-have-you-beens and Lu Han realises that he’s missed this the most - not the fans, not the stage and lights, but the company.
“So how long will you be back for?” Jongdae asks.
“Not too sure, I don’t have immediate plans but I’ll be here for a while.”
Lu Han laughs when Jongdae replies with, “Great! You need to meet your future sister-in-law!”
By now, most of the group has gathered around him. He looks around and thinks of how far they’ve come. From that first day at their showcase, when they’d clasped hands, sweaty and nervous, shaking out their adrenaline as they waited for the lights to dim and their cue to go onstage, and now, everyone a success in their own right. Lu Han really doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve friends like his, but he’s so happy he feels like he could burst. He was the one who had left them without any explanation, but here everyone is, welcoming him with open arms. Well, almost everyone.
He is scared to look, but when Lu Han finally disengages himself and scans the table, there is the familiar face right at the end, face inscrutable. Sehun is skinnier than before, his eyes underlined with dark smudges. Lu Han is reminded of the weeks before each comeback, when they’d spent days without proper sleep. He takes a deep breath and steps in Sehun’s direction, but Sehun distinctly turns his back on him.
By some magic talent, Sehun manages to avoid him for almost the entire dinner. It’s only when the dishes have been cleared, and more soju brought out, does Lu Han get a chance to speak to Sehun alone when he slips away to the toilet.
Sehun is washing his hands by the time Lu Han catches up with him. The look Sehun gives him when he sees Lu Han in the mirror cuts through him, but Lu Han supposes he deserves it.
“Sehun.” He takes a step forward.
Sehun takes a step around him.
“Sehun, we need to talk.”
Sehun’s body language, all angles and sharp corners, his arms crossed over his chest, is anything but encouraging, but Lu Han plows on.
“Look, I know what I did was wrong, but I was drunk, and I wasn’t thinking, and I should’ve told you earlier that I was leaving for Beijing-”
“But you didn’t.” Sehun interjects. “You didn’t think to tell me, and not only that, you decided to fuck me and then snuck out like I’m some guilty secret, left me to wake all alone. No, scratch that, Lu Han. You didn’t just leave me. You fucking ran away to another country.”
“Sehun, I didn’t mean to. I honestly wasn’t thinking straight and I was scared-”
“And you just assumed I’d be a little fun on the side? That it wouldn’t mean anything to me? I wasn’t young and stupid anymore, Lu Han. You can’t try to pass that off as a joke again. You knew I had feelings for you! I loved you! But you cheapened it.”
Lu Han wants to tell Sehun of all the days he’s spent in Beijing, sitting in front of his laptop, typing another dreary email about delayed shipments and customs hold-ups, thinking of Sehun and whether he might still love him. But his tongue feels like lead in his mouth, and he can’t find the right words.
“I’m sorry! I just- I just wanted to get another part of my life straight again and I couldn’t stay with the rest of you, with you, if I wanted to.”
Sehun’s anger is replaced by resignation now, and he says, “Life isn’t a zero-sum game, Lu Han. There were so many things you could have done to make it better, but you didn’t. I really don’t know what else there is to say.”
Sehun makes to push past him, but Lu Han tugs on his shirt, and the motion is so familiar, his muscle memory recognising the action, that his emotions threaten to overwhelm him. He shoves the folder of song lyrics, the CD with the recorded songs tucked safely inside, into Sehun’s hands before he turns away, fighting tears.
Lu Han hears Sehun leave, and then slumps against the wall, sobbing quietly into his fist. It’s how Yixing finds him there twenty minutes later, eyes red and puffy. Yixing doesn’t say anything, just grabs his things and brings him home.
They kiss for the first time in the EXO-K living room.
It’s the 13th of February, and a few of them decide to watch a movie.
Lu Han bags the couch first and then ducks the subsequent bodies that fly across the room to grab the remaining two spots. Sehun doesn’t make it and is relegated to the floor when Kyungsoo manages to snatch the armchair for himself. He pouts, until Lu Han pats the spot on the floor in front of him and shifts his legs, making room so there’s space for Sehun to sit in between.
Halfway through the movie, when Sehun slouches down so that his head rests on Lu Han’s thigh, one arm curled around Lu Han’s knee, Lu Han idly brings a hand up to brush Sehun’s fringe away from his eyes. Lu Han doesn’t even notice he’s repeating the motion until he catches Yixing giving him an odd look. His hand stills. Sometimes he feels like he’s going to give himself away even with all his precautions.
Lu Han’s watched the movie before, twice in fact, so he crosses his arms and leans back. When he next wakes, the dorm is still and dark.
There’s a warm pressure on one of his thighs and he looks up to find Sehun leaning over him, a palm flat across the expanse of his left thigh, and his other hand pressed against the sofa behind Lu Han’s head, supporting his weight.
“Hyung, wake up, it’s already 2.30.”
Sehun’s voice jars him awake, and Lu Han stares at him, watches the light from outside cast shadows over his cheekbones. Unbidden, an image of what he’d like to do right now flashes across Lu Han’s mind.
He must have continued staring, because Sehun’s brow furrows and he repeats, “Hyung?”, shifting his weight so he can lift the hand on Lu Han’s thigh to shake his shoulder.
Lu Han blames his exhaustion and a sleep-muddled mind for what he does next. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” he whispers, and reaches up for Sehun, cups a hand around his neck and pulls him in for a kiss.
Sehun kisses with enthusiasm more than finesse but Lu Han sinks into it, shoves away consequences for the time being as he glides a hand up Sehun’s chest. He’s not sure how long they kiss for, but when Lu Han feels Sehun nudge apart his thighs and settle in between them, a hand tilting his head for a better angle to kiss, suddenly the weight of what he’s doing hits him with brilliant clarity.
He pulls back abruptly. Pushes at Sehun so he can get to his feet.
There’s confusion written all across Sehun’s face and Lu Han gives a nervous laugh.
“So how was it, Sehun-ah? Hope you liked your Valentine’s gift. You should practice more, make it a little less wet next time.”
Lu Han stretches to give a show of nonchalance. Tries to make a fast escape.
And then it comes.
“Hyung, you know I like you, right?”
Lu Han considers pretending that he doesn’t hear. He takes half a heartbeat too long to respond and misses his chance. So he deliberately misunderstands.
“Of course I know. And I like you too! C’mon, we’d better get to bed before someone finds us awake.”
He turns to leave, but not before he catches Sehun saying, “I hope you know the only person you’re kidding is yourself, hyung.”
When Lu Han wakes the next day, the apartment is empty.
Yixing had mentioned that he had to work today, so he shuffles out, alone and miserable, and drags a mug out from where they are kept under the sink to make himself some coffee.
He is halfway through the cup when the doorbell rings. Lu Han contemplates ignoring it since it’s probably for Yixing anyway, but the ringing is persistent. When he peeks through the peephole, Lu Han takes a step back, surprised, because it’s Sehun.
Sehun is quiet as he sits in the living room, holding the folder Lu Han gave him. Lu Han is not sure what to do, so he hovers, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
“Hey, do you want some coffee?” Lu Han tries.
Sehun doesn’t respond. Instead he starts sifting through the papers in his hand.
“This one, when you sing about walking along Wangfujing and holding the hand of someone you love. And this one, when you sing about sharing street food on a freezing winter day.”
Sehun continues rifling through the sheets of paper. Lu Han can’t tell if this is a positive reaction, but he inches to sit across Sehun in an armchair.
“This song about your parents and how your father had a stroke one day while we were away in Paris for SM Town, this one, when you’re eating dumplings and you talk about recalling when you tried mandu for the first time-”
“It was with you.” Lu Han interrupts quietly.
Sehun stares at him, bewildered.
He continues to pull out sheet after sheet of lyrics that Lu Han now sees are dog-eared at the top, talking through them, and when he finally makes it through the pile, Sehun turns to Lu Han. His voice is a little unsteady and tinged with desperation when he asks, “Lu Han, who were you thinking of when you wrote all these? Why did you pass them to me?”
When Lu Han looks up, he realises there’s something that looks like hope in Sehun’s eyes, and his heart leaps, thinking maybe, maybe this could be mended after all.
“I wrote them thinking about you, Sehun. I--, well, I love you. I’ve loved you for years. I always have. I just never dared to say anything because I couldn’t bring myself to admit what that meant. I wasn’t ready for that. I felt like we weren’t ready for that.
“And then that night, I just didn’t want to go without knowing what it would be like with you, just once. And I was a coward-”
Lu Han stops. He doesn’t want to mention that night again.
“So I wrote these every time I thought of you when I was away. I didn’t know then what I was going to do with them, but they helped me cope.”
“They helped you cope? What about me? How do you think I coped waking up to find my bed empty? Calling your number to find it out of service?”
Sehun paces the small living room, still clutching a handful of papers.
“How do you think I felt when I found out that everyone knew you’d gone back to Beijing? Everyone except me? I thought you were just playing with me again, another of your stupid games!”
“Sehun- please, I’m sorry- I never meant to hurt you.”
“But you did! You can’t just come back and tell me you love me and write these songs for me and expect me to forgive you?”
“I don’t, Sehun! I just wanted you to understand that I did love you. And- I still do.”
Sehun runs a hand through his hair. Lu Han wants to touch it to see if it’s as soft as he remembers.
“I can’t do this, Lu Han. I don’t want to hope and have you break my heart again. Do you have any idea how many days I spent waking up and checking my emails, my phone, anything! Thinking that maybe you’d contact me after you settled down? I was this close to begging Yixing-hyung for your address! I wanted to talk to you so badly but I didn’t want to be the one to give in first again.”
Lu Han bites his lip. Sehun looks so upset and broken and he wishes he could turn back time and redo this all over again so they’d never have to hurt like this.
It’s quiet for a moment as Sehun sinks down onto the sofa and worries a loose thread on his sweater. Lu Han steps towards him. He’s done being a coward, he’s going to take his second chance at happiness with his two hands and run with it.
Kneeling in front of him, Lu Han reaches for Sehun’s hands. Sehun lets him hold them.
“Sehun, I came back because I woke up on my 30th birthday and realised I didn’t want to just get by anymore. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be happy with you. So I came back to try to fix it. If you’ll let me try, I’ll make it up to you.”
“How are you going to do that, hyung?” Lu Han’s whole body feels warm at that familiar word, finally.
“You’re the first to know this besides Yixing, and obviously Yifan, but I’m moving back to Korea to help Yifan co-host a new travel show on KBS. So I’ll be travelling, but I’ll be here, and we can work things out. I’ll be here for you, I promise, if you want this.”
“I don’t know, Lu Han. It’s a lot to ask for after so many years.”
Lu Han’s heart falls as the silence stretches out between them. He’s got nothing more he can offer.
But then Sehun twists his hands to lace his fingers with Lu Han’s.
Somewhere in between transits in Hong Kong, the familiar lights of Incheon and the multiple stops all over China - Shanghai, Anhui, Kunming, Changsha, he can’t name them all - Lu Han lets himself fall in love again.
Lu Han’s just done with filming the entire Eastern leg of the show in three weeks, made a stopover in Beijing to visit his parents on the way back, and now he just wants to get home and sleep forever. Dragging his suitcase, he steps out through the arrival gates and scans the crowd for a familiar head. He sees Sehun at the back of the crowd, tongue sticking out between pursed lips as he looks for Lu Han in turn. Waving, Lu Han hurries over to Sehun, rolling his suitcase over his own toes in the process.
His eyes are watery when he reaches Sehun because, ow, that hurt.
“Missed me that much, hyung?”
Lu Han punches him in the arm, hard, but turns his face up for a welcome home kiss anyway. Sehun doesn’t disappoint, and leaves a peck on his lips, before taking his suitcase and casually slinging an arm around Lu Han’s shoulders to steer him towards the car.
It’s great to be home.
Written by: pillowfrost
Pairing: Lu Han/Sehun
Rating: R
Warnings: None
Summary: Five years on, EXO disbands. Lu Han spends another three years lying to himself before he finds his way back home again.
The lights of Incheon look different when you’re 1,000 feet high above the city. Lu Han looks out of the tiny window from his seat, down at the golden stream of lights which get closer with each second. He’s probably made the most memories in Korea - some good, some bad; now, they are just a constant reminder of could-have-beens. Lu Han is nervous, and it’s showing in the way he’s gripping his armrests, it’s in the set of his jaw and the way he refuses to make eye-contact with anyone. The lady next to him is middle-aged and sweet. She pats his hand and tells him that everyone has been scared of flying at some point of time; he’ll get over it one day.
He’s kept in contact with a few of the other EXO members since he left, mostly the ones he’s always been close to: Yifan, Yixing, Minseok. Three years away. He hasn’t spoken to some of the others at all in those years, but he’s always monitored their progress, heart swelling with pride as Yifan lands another drama; Jongin’s dance company wins another competition; the variety show that Chanyeol co-hosts picks up another award at the SBS Entertainment awards. Sometimes he goes online and searches for their past performances, watches them late into the night. Sometimes he thinks, what if he hadn’t gone home to his parents, what if he had gone on to build a solo career for himself, what if he had allowed himself to love.
They’re descending into the clouds now, and Lu Han recalls the times he snuck of out of class to hang out in the convenience store at the foot of Yonsei; when he’d wandered the streets of Apgujeong, hoping to get spotted; practising late into the night and slipping out the side door of their company building to get kimbap and snacks. It’s the everyday things that sit in his mind. He remembers a pair of laughing, crinkled eyes, a smile revealing a tiny overbite, and a warm hand in his.
Lu Han rubs a finger over the worn corner of the script he’s holding. It had been sent by courier from Yifan, together with a scrawled note, don’t make me fly to Beijing to drag your sorry ass here. He shuffles it behind the stack of paper that’s the original reason why he’s back in Korea. He stares at it for awhile, rereads the lyrics he’s carefully crafted, dozens of songs he’s poured his feelings into when he feels like he can’t bear the loneliness anymore. There are songs about love, songs about lovers, songs about his memories of Korea, songs of his everyday life back in Beijing. There’s a song about dumplings. They are his love letters for the three years he’s been away; an explanation, or so Lu Han hopes, of why he had to go.
A decade or so playing the unfilial son had felt like enough. So after EXO officially disbanded, he had gone back to Beijing to be the son his parents had always wanted him to be: secures a stable job, meets a few nice girls from time to time, brings his parents out for a fancy dinner on the first Sunday of every month. Lu Han tells himself he’s happy like this. Content.
When he finally works up the courage to tell his parents that he wants to go back to Korea, they don’t protest. He guesses the only person who bought into his show of happiness was himself. But he hopes every day with his parents has helped to close the gap created by those years he was away. Lu Han thinks of the people he left behind in Korea. He thinks of Sehun. He hopes three years isn’t too late to close the new gap that opened when he left.
Somewhere in between transits in Hong Kong, the terrifying crush of fans at Incheon and the multiple stops all over China - Chengdu, Jiangsu, Nanjing, Beijing, he can’t name them all - Lu Han falls in love.
He can’t put a finger on when exactly it happens. It might have been the first time they won an award together at MAMA, when he heard Sehun’s jubilant, “We did it, hyung!” and turned around just in time to be enveloped in a bearhug. It might have been during their first solo concert when he’d landed badly during his solo, and all he remembers was Sehun ushering him backstage the second the song ended, tugging off his shoe and warm fingers circling his ankle, concern written all over Sehun’s usually straight face. Or maybe it was any of those times when Lu Han slouched in a plane seat with one hand over Sehun’s head, keeping him from slipping off his shoulder as he napped, just like the way he is now.
Lu Han watches Sehun sleep for a moment and the unexpected surge of emotion is completely overwhelming. He drops his hand and watches the buildings rush up towards them as the plane descends. The motion wakes Sehun.
“Hyung, are we landing yet?”
Lu Han doesn’t dare turn because he’s afraid his heart will show in his eyes. So he resolutely looks out the window and says, “Not yet. Probably another 10 minutes.” But he doesn’t draw his hand away when Sehun laces their fingers together.
Lu Han’s learnt how impulsive decisions can change your life. Pursue your dreams, follow your heart. It’s secured him a recording contract, a group that’s successful across Asia and love from fans all over the world. It has also gotten him the answering machine every time he calls home. So he carefully gathers up his feelings and tucks them safely back into his heart.
Lu Han lets himself into Yixing’s apartment. He had left Seoul in a hurry, leaving almost everything behind, but he’d forgotten to return the key, and Yixing had never mentioned it. It’s like he’d taken Lu Han moving out as more of a protracted holiday than a permanent departure. It seems Yixing was right, he always did know Lu Han better than he knew himself.
Lu Han leaves his bags and coat in the corner by the entrance and moves, trance-like, to touch the familiar walls and surfaces. The photos he put up together with Yixing when they’d first moved in are still there. Older ones from when they were still trainees, to their debut, and then four comebacks later. There are so many group photos; one, two, three to twelve heads in each of them. It’s a weird habit Lu Han’s developed - he always numbers off the members in photos to make sure they’re not missing anyone. New pictures have been added and he pauses at a photo that’s dated a year after he left Korea - it looks like the backstage of one of Baekhyun’s musicals. Eleven faces, a small space next to Sehun who’s got his usual frown on. Lu Han rubs his thumb over the empty spot.
He finds comfort that his body knows where to move, to the kitchen on the left, to his old bedroom along the corridor behind the sofa. Yixing’s away monitoring a rookie group’s concert choreography and he’ll be back later that evening, so the apartment is quiet and empty. There are no unmatched socks littering the living room floor, no sound of running water or the buzz of the television; lived-in scatter absent.
Lu Han considers the prospect of making this space home again and it starts a warm glow in his chest. Approximately half an hour after Lu Han told Yixing about his plans to move back to Korea, Yifan had called to offer him an opportunity to co-host a China-Korea travel show. Lu Han had been skeptical.
“Who wants a 30 year old has-been to host a show?” He’d protested. He meant to start out slow, work his way up from the bottom again, but Yifan had been insistent.
“Who are you trying to kid, Lu Han? I can still see your selcas on QQ. Your face is exactly the same as it was ten years ago. My producer will fall over herself trying to get you to sign on for a second season.”
Lu Han is not sure why his friends have refused to let go all this time he’s shut them out, but he’s grateful. His thoughts are interrupted by his phone ringing and he answers it without checking because honestly, there’s only one person who has this number and knows he’s back.
“Yo! Lu Han!” Yixing’s voice comes crackling over the phone line, warm, familiar, something Lu Han hugs to himself. “Settled down okay in the apartment? You know where everything is, right? I didn’t really change much since you left.”
Yixing babbles on and ends with, “see you later!”, before he hangs up. It’s like nothing has changed.
Sometimes Lu Han feels like nothing has changed in the five years from their debut. They are in a private room at their favourite barbecue place post their final goodbye concert. It’s their last night performing to a completely sold-out Jamsil Olympic Stadium and everyone is still on a high. Yixing’s leaning over Zitao and Joonmyun’s thighs to reach for Baekhyun, who’s distracted playing some stupid game with Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and Jongdae. Across the table, Minseok is trying to carry a conversation with Yifan over Jongin’s head. It’s a tangled mess of happiness.
It’s like nothing has changed and yet everything has. There are small lines across Yifan’s forehead despite his rigorous skincare regimen, Minseok finally looks his age, Jongin’s nursing his waist with a hot compress. Tonight was the last time they performed together as EXO. This is EXO, but this is also a group of men who have gone through the rollercoaster life of a pop idol, and have plans for their lives, their futures stretched out ahead of them in acting, singing, dancing - success. Lu Han feels like a failure. He thinks of the ticket he has back home, lying next to his passport on his dresser.
And then there is Sehun, laughing loudly as Chanyeol loses the game and has to hook a sock over one ear. He turns and catches Lu Han’s eye; there’s this incredibly happy smile on Sehun’s face and it’s like they are 18 and 22 again, holding hands as they head overseas for the first time as a group. Lu Han has to look away.
By the time Jongdae has made his 50th toast to Lee Soo Man it’s almost 5am and they’re all mostly drunk, some more than others.
Lu Han isn’t drunk, but he’s definitely not sober either, and he feels like he’s living out one of the BL mangas he used to keep stashed in his underwear drawer in the dorm when Sehun quietly asks him if he would rather follow him home. He doesn’t say anything, just piles on his coat and scarf and silently follows Sehun out into a waiting cab.
Sehun’s fingers are tight around his elbow as he guides him into the elevator of his apartment and Lu Han imagines he can feel the warmth of those fingertips seeping in through the layers of his jacket, sweater and shirt. They haven’t said anything since they got into the cab but somehow it’s comfortable.
He’s not sure what he expects out of Sehun’s apartment - it’s the first time Lu Han’s seen it since their dorm lease lapsed two months ago - but it looks cosy and lived-in. He toes off his shoes at the front door and follows Sehun into the living room. For some reason, Sehun just stands there and looks at him and suddenly, it comes rushing at Lu Han that Sehun isn’t a boy anymore.
Lu Han has always been able to tell when something was up with Sehun, but there are these walls around him, even when he was younger, that stop Lu Han from figuring out the actual issue. Tonight though, the want and sadness in his eyes let Lu Han know that Sehun is more inebriated than he lets on. It prompts Lu Han to close the gap between them and slide a sweaty palm up Sehun’s jaw.
Sehun is startled.
“Lu Han, I didn’t mean anything when I invited you home. I just... didn’t think you should have gone home alone in that state.”
Lu Han is quiet for a moment, his next words just barely above a whisper. “It’s not like I don’t want this either.”
It’s really not like Lu Han doesn’t want this. He’s wanted for weeks, months, years, and the thought of leaving this all behind weighs on him until he decides to give in. So when Sehun leans in, breath hovering over Lu Han’s lips, Lu Han kisses him first.
He lets Sehun walk him to the bedroom, his lips never leaving Lu Han’s. It feels like it’s been a long time coming when they fuck on Sehun’s bed, Lu Han coming undone at Sehun’s touches, so familiar and unfamiliar all at the same time. Lu Han’s got his arms around Sehun’s neck, arching into him, when he looks into Sehun’s eyes and sees all the love that he could possibly want reflecting back at him. That’s when he realises what a terrible, terrible, mistake he’s made as he comes, hot and sticky over both their stomachs.
Lu Han begs Yixing to time their arrival to the reunion late, but not too late, hoping they can sneak in with one of the later arrivals and escape notice.
He’s not sure why he even tried. They end up being the last to arrive, and the second he steps in through the door, silence falls over the group gathered. Then Chanyeol is leaping to his feet and Lu Han flinches because the look of ferocity that is on his face is terrifying and his hand is drawn back in a fist - which stops just short of his face. Chanyeol’s expression gives way to relief and suddenly he’s hugging Lu Han so tight, saying, “Lu Han, you bastard. I can’t believe you just left without saying goodbye!”
And then a quieter, “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
It’s like Chanyeol’s outburst makes the years melt away because in an instant, Baekhyun is all over him, and there’s Kyungsoo wringing his hand, Minseok pulling him in for a long, long, hug like he’s afraid Lu Han will bolt if he lets go. Jongin is standing by the side, an impossibly wide smile across his face, hands tucked into his pockets.
There’s a lot of back thumping, and how-have-you-beens and Lu Han realises that he’s missed this the most - not the fans, not the stage and lights, but the company.
“So how long will you be back for?” Jongdae asks.
“Not too sure, I don’t have immediate plans but I’ll be here for a while.”
Lu Han laughs when Jongdae replies with, “Great! You need to meet your future sister-in-law!”
By now, most of the group has gathered around him. He looks around and thinks of how far they’ve come. From that first day at their showcase, when they’d clasped hands, sweaty and nervous, shaking out their adrenaline as they waited for the lights to dim and their cue to go onstage, and now, everyone a success in their own right. Lu Han really doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve friends like his, but he’s so happy he feels like he could burst. He was the one who had left them without any explanation, but here everyone is, welcoming him with open arms. Well, almost everyone.
He is scared to look, but when Lu Han finally disengages himself and scans the table, there is the familiar face right at the end, face inscrutable. Sehun is skinnier than before, his eyes underlined with dark smudges. Lu Han is reminded of the weeks before each comeback, when they’d spent days without proper sleep. He takes a deep breath and steps in Sehun’s direction, but Sehun distinctly turns his back on him.
By some magic talent, Sehun manages to avoid him for almost the entire dinner. It’s only when the dishes have been cleared, and more soju brought out, does Lu Han get a chance to speak to Sehun alone when he slips away to the toilet.
Sehun is washing his hands by the time Lu Han catches up with him. The look Sehun gives him when he sees Lu Han in the mirror cuts through him, but Lu Han supposes he deserves it.
“Sehun.” He takes a step forward.
Sehun takes a step around him.
“Sehun, we need to talk.”
Sehun’s body language, all angles and sharp corners, his arms crossed over his chest, is anything but encouraging, but Lu Han plows on.
“Look, I know what I did was wrong, but I was drunk, and I wasn’t thinking, and I should’ve told you earlier that I was leaving for Beijing-”
“But you didn’t.” Sehun interjects. “You didn’t think to tell me, and not only that, you decided to fuck me and then snuck out like I’m some guilty secret, left me to wake all alone. No, scratch that, Lu Han. You didn’t just leave me. You fucking ran away to another country.”
“Sehun, I didn’t mean to. I honestly wasn’t thinking straight and I was scared-”
“And you just assumed I’d be a little fun on the side? That it wouldn’t mean anything to me? I wasn’t young and stupid anymore, Lu Han. You can’t try to pass that off as a joke again. You knew I had feelings for you! I loved you! But you cheapened it.”
Lu Han wants to tell Sehun of all the days he’s spent in Beijing, sitting in front of his laptop, typing another dreary email about delayed shipments and customs hold-ups, thinking of Sehun and whether he might still love him. But his tongue feels like lead in his mouth, and he can’t find the right words.
“I’m sorry! I just- I just wanted to get another part of my life straight again and I couldn’t stay with the rest of you, with you, if I wanted to.”
Sehun’s anger is replaced by resignation now, and he says, “Life isn’t a zero-sum game, Lu Han. There were so many things you could have done to make it better, but you didn’t. I really don’t know what else there is to say.”
Sehun makes to push past him, but Lu Han tugs on his shirt, and the motion is so familiar, his muscle memory recognising the action, that his emotions threaten to overwhelm him. He shoves the folder of song lyrics, the CD with the recorded songs tucked safely inside, into Sehun’s hands before he turns away, fighting tears.
Lu Han hears Sehun leave, and then slumps against the wall, sobbing quietly into his fist. It’s how Yixing finds him there twenty minutes later, eyes red and puffy. Yixing doesn’t say anything, just grabs his things and brings him home.
They kiss for the first time in the EXO-K living room.
It’s the 13th of February, and a few of them decide to watch a movie.
Lu Han bags the couch first and then ducks the subsequent bodies that fly across the room to grab the remaining two spots. Sehun doesn’t make it and is relegated to the floor when Kyungsoo manages to snatch the armchair for himself. He pouts, until Lu Han pats the spot on the floor in front of him and shifts his legs, making room so there’s space for Sehun to sit in between.
Halfway through the movie, when Sehun slouches down so that his head rests on Lu Han’s thigh, one arm curled around Lu Han’s knee, Lu Han idly brings a hand up to brush Sehun’s fringe away from his eyes. Lu Han doesn’t even notice he’s repeating the motion until he catches Yixing giving him an odd look. His hand stills. Sometimes he feels like he’s going to give himself away even with all his precautions.
Lu Han’s watched the movie before, twice in fact, so he crosses his arms and leans back. When he next wakes, the dorm is still and dark.
There’s a warm pressure on one of his thighs and he looks up to find Sehun leaning over him, a palm flat across the expanse of his left thigh, and his other hand pressed against the sofa behind Lu Han’s head, supporting his weight.
“Hyung, wake up, it’s already 2.30.”
Sehun’s voice jars him awake, and Lu Han stares at him, watches the light from outside cast shadows over his cheekbones. Unbidden, an image of what he’d like to do right now flashes across Lu Han’s mind.
He must have continued staring, because Sehun’s brow furrows and he repeats, “Hyung?”, shifting his weight so he can lift the hand on Lu Han’s thigh to shake his shoulder.
Lu Han blames his exhaustion and a sleep-muddled mind for what he does next. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” he whispers, and reaches up for Sehun, cups a hand around his neck and pulls him in for a kiss.
Sehun kisses with enthusiasm more than finesse but Lu Han sinks into it, shoves away consequences for the time being as he glides a hand up Sehun’s chest. He’s not sure how long they kiss for, but when Lu Han feels Sehun nudge apart his thighs and settle in between them, a hand tilting his head for a better angle to kiss, suddenly the weight of what he’s doing hits him with brilliant clarity.
He pulls back abruptly. Pushes at Sehun so he can get to his feet.
There’s confusion written all across Sehun’s face and Lu Han gives a nervous laugh.
“So how was it, Sehun-ah? Hope you liked your Valentine’s gift. You should practice more, make it a little less wet next time.”
Lu Han stretches to give a show of nonchalance. Tries to make a fast escape.
And then it comes.
“Hyung, you know I like you, right?”
Lu Han considers pretending that he doesn’t hear. He takes half a heartbeat too long to respond and misses his chance. So he deliberately misunderstands.
“Of course I know. And I like you too! C’mon, we’d better get to bed before someone finds us awake.”
He turns to leave, but not before he catches Sehun saying, “I hope you know the only person you’re kidding is yourself, hyung.”
When Lu Han wakes the next day, the apartment is empty.
Yixing had mentioned that he had to work today, so he shuffles out, alone and miserable, and drags a mug out from where they are kept under the sink to make himself some coffee.
He is halfway through the cup when the doorbell rings. Lu Han contemplates ignoring it since it’s probably for Yixing anyway, but the ringing is persistent. When he peeks through the peephole, Lu Han takes a step back, surprised, because it’s Sehun.
Sehun is quiet as he sits in the living room, holding the folder Lu Han gave him. Lu Han is not sure what to do, so he hovers, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
“Hey, do you want some coffee?” Lu Han tries.
Sehun doesn’t respond. Instead he starts sifting through the papers in his hand.
“This one, when you sing about walking along Wangfujing and holding the hand of someone you love. And this one, when you sing about sharing street food on a freezing winter day.”
Sehun continues rifling through the sheets of paper. Lu Han can’t tell if this is a positive reaction, but he inches to sit across Sehun in an armchair.
“This song about your parents and how your father had a stroke one day while we were away in Paris for SM Town, this one, when you’re eating dumplings and you talk about recalling when you tried mandu for the first time-”
“It was with you.” Lu Han interrupts quietly.
Sehun stares at him, bewildered.
He continues to pull out sheet after sheet of lyrics that Lu Han now sees are dog-eared at the top, talking through them, and when he finally makes it through the pile, Sehun turns to Lu Han. His voice is a little unsteady and tinged with desperation when he asks, “Lu Han, who were you thinking of when you wrote all these? Why did you pass them to me?”
When Lu Han looks up, he realises there’s something that looks like hope in Sehun’s eyes, and his heart leaps, thinking maybe, maybe this could be mended after all.
“I wrote them thinking about you, Sehun. I--, well, I love you. I’ve loved you for years. I always have. I just never dared to say anything because I couldn’t bring myself to admit what that meant. I wasn’t ready for that. I felt like we weren’t ready for that.
“And then that night, I just didn’t want to go without knowing what it would be like with you, just once. And I was a coward-”
Lu Han stops. He doesn’t want to mention that night again.
“So I wrote these every time I thought of you when I was away. I didn’t know then what I was going to do with them, but they helped me cope.”
“They helped you cope? What about me? How do you think I coped waking up to find my bed empty? Calling your number to find it out of service?”
Sehun paces the small living room, still clutching a handful of papers.
“How do you think I felt when I found out that everyone knew you’d gone back to Beijing? Everyone except me? I thought you were just playing with me again, another of your stupid games!”
“Sehun- please, I’m sorry- I never meant to hurt you.”
“But you did! You can’t just come back and tell me you love me and write these songs for me and expect me to forgive you?”
“I don’t, Sehun! I just wanted you to understand that I did love you. And- I still do.”
Sehun runs a hand through his hair. Lu Han wants to touch it to see if it’s as soft as he remembers.
“I can’t do this, Lu Han. I don’t want to hope and have you break my heart again. Do you have any idea how many days I spent waking up and checking my emails, my phone, anything! Thinking that maybe you’d contact me after you settled down? I was this close to begging Yixing-hyung for your address! I wanted to talk to you so badly but I didn’t want to be the one to give in first again.”
Lu Han bites his lip. Sehun looks so upset and broken and he wishes he could turn back time and redo this all over again so they’d never have to hurt like this.
It’s quiet for a moment as Sehun sinks down onto the sofa and worries a loose thread on his sweater. Lu Han steps towards him. He’s done being a coward, he’s going to take his second chance at happiness with his two hands and run with it.
Kneeling in front of him, Lu Han reaches for Sehun’s hands. Sehun lets him hold them.
“Sehun, I came back because I woke up on my 30th birthday and realised I didn’t want to just get by anymore. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be happy with you. So I came back to try to fix it. If you’ll let me try, I’ll make it up to you.”
“How are you going to do that, hyung?” Lu Han’s whole body feels warm at that familiar word, finally.
“You’re the first to know this besides Yixing, and obviously Yifan, but I’m moving back to Korea to help Yifan co-host a new travel show on KBS. So I’ll be travelling, but I’ll be here, and we can work things out. I’ll be here for you, I promise, if you want this.”
“I don’t know, Lu Han. It’s a lot to ask for after so many years.”
Lu Han’s heart falls as the silence stretches out between them. He’s got nothing more he can offer.
But then Sehun twists his hands to lace his fingers with Lu Han’s.
Somewhere in between transits in Hong Kong, the familiar lights of Incheon and the multiple stops all over China - Shanghai, Anhui, Kunming, Changsha, he can’t name them all - Lu Han lets himself fall in love again.
Lu Han’s just done with filming the entire Eastern leg of the show in three weeks, made a stopover in Beijing to visit his parents on the way back, and now he just wants to get home and sleep forever. Dragging his suitcase, he steps out through the arrival gates and scans the crowd for a familiar head. He sees Sehun at the back of the crowd, tongue sticking out between pursed lips as he looks for Lu Han in turn. Waving, Lu Han hurries over to Sehun, rolling his suitcase over his own toes in the process.
His eyes are watery when he reaches Sehun because, ow, that hurt.
“Missed me that much, hyung?”
Lu Han punches him in the arm, hard, but turns his face up for a welcome home kiss anyway. Sehun doesn’t disappoint, and leaves a peck on his lips, before taking his suitcase and casually slinging an arm around Lu Han’s shoulders to steer him towards the car.
It’s great to be home.