BLACK DAY 7: so close
Title: so close
Written by: deplore
A remix of " cut to the chase" by idolkiller
Rating: PG
Pairing: Chanyeol/D.O, vague Kai→D.O
Warnings: None
Summary: Kyungsoo moves to Seoul with all sorts of expectations: that Hongik University will be the school of his dreams, that he'll figure out what he wants to do with his life, that he'll have his goofy, charming boyfriend by his side - but instead, he finds himself pretending like he doesn't realize his boyfriend isn't actually in love with him, and that his expectations can never match up to the reality.
There's an e-mail in Kyungsoo's drafts folder that's been sitting there for days, subject: confession, to: Lim Hyunsik. As far as confessions go, it's not a particularly grand one ("Hyunsik, I like you a lot. As more than just a friend. I understand if you don't feel the same way, and I..."), but it's the only confession Kyungsoo's ever written, and the very fact that it exists is a little scary.
It's yet another night where Kyungsoo sits at his computer and waffles over sending it or not that he first talks to Chanyeol: he's about twenty minutes into trying to psyche himself into hitting send when the the notification for his instant messenger goes off - he startles and nearly closes his e-mail browser as he scrambles to switch tabs.
chanyolo92: hey! your tiny farm is awesome
chanyolo92: i was wondering,
chanyolo92: could you give me some tips on breeding?
chanyolo92: i have this friend who i have to beat at farming so every little bit helps :)
Kyungsoo doesn't send the e-mail that night either, but he ends up saving chanyolo92 to his IM contacts list.
IM conversations with Chanyeol ("you can just call me chanyeol haha it's kinda awk to see chanyolo92 all over the place?") become a fairly regular occurrence. At first they mostly discuss farming techniques, but then they start talking about hip-hop artists, and Kyungsoo mentions he's studying music, so Chanyeol asks him if he's going to school in Seoul, too - the rest just builds from there.
It's about two weeks in that things take a sharp turn in a different direction. Chanyeol IMs him to get on Skype not ten minutes after he'd gotten back from an a capella group practice in which Hyunsik had sat next to him and smiled a lot and asked, "Hey, haven't we been kinda distant lately? We should go out and do something sometime, right?" - the whole time, Kyungsoo had to breathe deep and remind himself only as a friend, only as a friend, he's only asking you as a friend.
He doesn't usually wear his heart on his sleeve, but his downcast mood must be obvious, because halfway into a conversation on SNSD's discography (one of Chanyeol's favorite things to talk about), he asks, "Hey, is there something wrong? You seem kinda... down, I guess? It's not like you."
Kyungsoo goes quiet, fidgeting with his fingers as he thinks about how to answer. We've only know each other for half a month, he decides, if he decides he doesn't want to be friends after this, it won't be life devastating. "I, um," he replies, "I'm thinking about coming out."
"Oh," Chanyeol says, mouth going almost perfectly round. "Well, that's rough. And really brave! I mean, it was hard for me to tell my parents that I -"
"You've come out to your parents?" Kyungsoo cuts in, interrupting in his excitement.
Chanyeol seems to flounder. "Well, I mean, not exactly coming out, but..."
"I really admire you for that," Kyungsoo says, and smiles. "I hope I can, too."
"I, uh - thanks?" Chanyeol replies, looking flustered for a few moments before he changes the subject and offers to let Kyungsoo practice his coming-out confession to him. Kyungsoo gladly takes him up on that, and he goes to sleep that night more satisfied with himself than he's been in weeks.
Kyungsoo's not sure how it happens, but one day he pulls up his e-mail drafts to find something he'd meant to send to one of his professors. Near the bottom, there's the one labeled subject: confession, to: Lim Hyunsik. He expects his heart to do the usual painful twist in his chest, but to his surprise, there's nothing.
Not five minutes later, Chanyeol IMs him with a cheerful greeting, and without thinking, Kyungsoo leans forward in his seat and smiles as he replies - it's halfway through typing "I'm good, how're you?" he realizes: he's still in love, just not with the same person.
A list of differences between Chanyeol and Hyunsik: Chanyeol knows he's gay. Chanyeol's never met him in real life. Chanyeol doesn't sit next to him in weekly a capella group meetings. If he asks Chanyeol out and gets rejected, it's not as if there will be rumors around campus. So it's a lot easier for him to confess to Chanyeol over webcam than it is to just send Hyunsik an e-mail, even if it's just as terrifying.
For a few moments, Chanyeol seems at a loss of words and Kyungsoo is all but prepared to hear the worst, but then Chanyeol says, "Um, sure, I'll go out with you." Kyungsoo smiles so wide his face almost hurts, and Chanyeol laughs embarrassedly.
They exchange numbers. Kyungsoo saves Chanyeol's into his phone as "Park Chanyeol (heart)".
Starting a relationship with Chanyeol is the first in a string of good things that happen to Kyungsoo. The second comes when Hongik University - his dream school for years, not to mention where Chanyeol takes classes - sends him a letter three weeks before fall semester starts to inform him that he's been accepted off their waitlist as a transfer student. Things are looking up for me now, Kyungsoo thinks to himself as he writes out an excited e-mail to Chanyeol telling him the news.
The next few days are a scramble to get things ready in time. Kyungsoo calls his parents to wheedle them into letting him go to Seoul by himself and accidentally comes out on when he tells them, "and my boyfriend lives there" without thinking - his mother drops the phone in surprise, but quickly reassures him that she still loves him, and that they'll talk more after things have settled down. He manages to find an apartment that's close enough to campus that's within his budget, and he arranges for a moving company to deal with his furniture and books. He and Chanyeol make plans to meet up, and Chanyeol even offers to help him get his things unpacked.
The weekend before he leaves, his friends from a capella come over to help him move his stuff into boxes. "Congratulations, Kyungsoo!" Hyunsik says, smiling brightly when he shows up. "Make sure not to forget us when you become a jaded city man, okay?"
It pretty much doesn't get better than this, Kyungsoo thinks. He's got a kickass farm on the internet, he's moving to Seoul to go to Hongik University, he's finally going to meet his boyfriend in person: there's not much more in life he can ask for.
Here's how Kyungsoo plans for things to go once he gets off the train: he'll take a deep breath and take his first step onto Seoul. Chanyeol will be there waiting, and after they greet each other, they'll kiss, and it'll be the stuff of modern day fairy tales - soppy and cliche, but the good kind of soppy and cliche, the sort of thing people are a little embarrassed to admit they want even though everybody secretly does.
This is how things actually go: he nearly gets knocked over as people rush to leave and meet with their loved ones, and it takes him almost ten minutes to find Chanyeol in the crowd. Chanyeol is a lot taller than Kyungsoo had imagined him to be (it occurs to him that in all the times they've ever talked over webcam, they've always been sitting), and he wonders vaguely - what are all the other ways that Chanyeol's different in real life than over the internet? Will he still like Chanyeol if he finds out that he bites his nails or if his room is unclean or if he doesn't return things when he borrows them?
Kyungsoo reaches out to tap Chanyeol's wrist and Chanyeol startles so badly that Kyungsoo takes a step back without realizing it. His smile falters - this isn't how it's supposed to go, is it? - and for a few moments Kyungsoo almost thinks maybe he has the wrong person when Chanyeol says, "Hi! Kyungsoo?"
"Park Chanyeol," Kyungsoo replies, smiling as he pushes down the nervousness building in his stomach. "You're even taller than I expected."
We've greeted each other, Kyungsoo thinks, so now should come the kiss. He takes a deep breath and gathers all his courage, trying not to think about it too much as he reaches up to pull Chanyeol down and press their lips together. The moment their lips touch, there's this momentary flinch and a look in Chanyeol's eyes that's more than just apprehension - Kyungsoo loses his nerve and backs off before Chanyeol even has a chance to kiss back.
When he lets go, Chanyeol stares dazedly for a few seconds too long, reaching up to touch his bottom lip - Kyungsoo smiles and Chanyeol flushes pink, opening and closing his mouth a few times without saying anything. Before the silence goes for so long it'd be awkward, Chanyeol suddenly seems to jerk out of his stupor, reaching out to grab Kyungsoo's luggage as he asks, "When is the rest of your stuff arriving?"
"I shipped it yesterday, so it should be at my apartment by now," Kyungsoo answers, and they make casual chit-chat as they make their way to the station exit. Talking to Chanyeol comes even easier in real life than it does over the internet, and Chanyeol chatters away the same as he always does - Kyungsoo decides to believe that he was reading too far into things.
The two of them spend the day unpacking Kyungsoo's things. "Thanks for helping me out," he says as he hands Chanyeol his pocketknife to cut open the packing tape on his boxes. "I really appreciate it. I don't know anybody else in Seoul yet, so..."
"Hey, it's no problem at all," Chanyeol replies, flashing a brief smile. "It's a Saturday, I don't have anything to do. And anyway, my roommate has a friend over, so I didn't really want to be home right now anyway."
"Your roommate - Sehun, right? You've talked about him a little before," Kyungsoo says.
Chanyeol nods. "He's annoying, I don't know why I live with him," he says, but he smiles and laughs. "Maybe because he's the least annoying out of all my annoying friends?"
"I want to meet him, though," Kyungsoo says. "I want to meet all of your friends."
For a moment, Chanyeol seems to freeze. "I'll warn you now, my friends say a lot of dumb stuff," he says.
"I don't mind," Kyungsoo replies, and smiles.
Instead of answering, Chanyeol changes the subject, and they have an hours-long debate on their favorite rappers as they move things around the apartment. "You win, you win," Chanyeol says after they finish unpacking the last box, smiling widely and pushing his hair out of his forehead as they slump against the wall together.
Kyungsoo leans over and rests his head on Chanyeol's shoulder. "Thanks," he says. "For helping out. I'm glad you were here today."
"Happy to be of help," Chanyeol replies. Kyungsoo tilts his head up towards Chanyeol's and for a moment they make eye-contact - this should be where Chanyeol meets him half-way and presses a kiss to his lips, he thinks, so he closes his eyes and waits.
The kiss doesn't come, and Chanyeol scrambles to get up a little too quickly. "I should go," Chanyeol says, and Kyungsoo doesn't question it.
There isn't a chance for Kyungsoo to meet any of Chanyeol's friends friends over the weekend, but he ends up running into a lot of them around campus - he meets Baekhyun in his vocal class ("I've heard a lot about you," Baekhyun says when they shake hands, "how does somebody as nice as you end up with somebody like Chanyeol?") and Jongin in his dance elective (which is fortunate for Kyungsoo, because Jongin patiently helps him rearrange his limbs into the the right position when he needs help, which is often) and Joonmyun in music history ("Are you a good student? You look like a good student. Don't let Chanyeol cheat off of you, okay?").
"Everybody you know is really nice," Kyungsoo says to Chanyeol when they meet up for lunch. "Where are the annoying ones?"
"I think you're just the one who's too nice," Chanyeol retorts, stealing one of Kyungsoo's fries. "But, seriously - everybody likes you a lot. That doesn't happen often, when it comes to the people I know."
"Thanks," Kyungsoo replies dryly.
Chanyeol laughs, taking another fry. "Hey, you know what I mean," he says cheerfully. "I'm glad you moved here, Kyungsoo. It's cool, hanging out with you in person."
"I'm glad too. That I'm here, with you. That you're my boyfriend." Kyungsoo hesitates for a moment, feeling his face flush pink before he adds, "I like you a lot, Park Chanyeol."
It always seems to take him a little too long to respond.
A week passes and Chanyeol doesn't come to visit his apartment, but Jongin does. "Kyungsoo hyung," he says carefully, looking a bit uneasy, "I wasn't sure if I should tell you this or not. But I think you deserve to know."
There's a part of him that already kind of knows what Jongin's going to say, but he doesn't want to believe it. "What is it?" he asks.
Jongin sighs. "Chanyeol's not gay. I mean - he likes you a lot as a person. And as a friend. But he's just..."
"Not gay," Kyungsoo echos. At this point, he almost wishes he were surprised.
That night, he gets a call from Hyunsik. "Kyungsoo! How are you?" he asks. "How's Seoul? How's Hongik? You're not homesick yet, are you?"
There's still an unsent e-mail sitting in Kyungsoo's drafts folder, subject: confession, to: Lim Hyunsik. Kyungsoo once thought sending it would be the bravest thing he could ever do, because Hyunsik was there, somebody he could touch and be touched by, and he realizes he still hasn't changed: same problem, different faces. "For better or for worse, I'm still hanging in there," he answers.
"That's the spirit," Hyunsik says.
Written by: deplore
A remix of " cut to the chase" by idolkiller
Rating: PG
Pairing: Chanyeol/D.O, vague Kai→D.O
Warnings: None
Summary: Kyungsoo moves to Seoul with all sorts of expectations: that Hongik University will be the school of his dreams, that he'll figure out what he wants to do with his life, that he'll have his goofy, charming boyfriend by his side - but instead, he finds himself pretending like he doesn't realize his boyfriend isn't actually in love with him, and that his expectations can never match up to the reality.
There's an e-mail in Kyungsoo's drafts folder that's been sitting there for days, subject: confession, to: Lim Hyunsik. As far as confessions go, it's not a particularly grand one ("Hyunsik, I like you a lot. As more than just a friend. I understand if you don't feel the same way, and I..."), but it's the only confession Kyungsoo's ever written, and the very fact that it exists is a little scary.
It's yet another night where Kyungsoo sits at his computer and waffles over sending it or not that he first talks to Chanyeol: he's about twenty minutes into trying to psyche himself into hitting send when the the notification for his instant messenger goes off - he startles and nearly closes his e-mail browser as he scrambles to switch tabs.
chanyolo92: hey! your tiny farm is awesome
chanyolo92: i was wondering,
chanyolo92: could you give me some tips on breeding?
chanyolo92: i have this friend who i have to beat at farming so every little bit helps :)
Kyungsoo doesn't send the e-mail that night either, but he ends up saving chanyolo92 to his IM contacts list.
IM conversations with Chanyeol ("you can just call me chanyeol haha it's kinda awk to see chanyolo92 all over the place?") become a fairly regular occurrence. At first they mostly discuss farming techniques, but then they start talking about hip-hop artists, and Kyungsoo mentions he's studying music, so Chanyeol asks him if he's going to school in Seoul, too - the rest just builds from there.
It's about two weeks in that things take a sharp turn in a different direction. Chanyeol IMs him to get on Skype not ten minutes after he'd gotten back from an a capella group practice in which Hyunsik had sat next to him and smiled a lot and asked, "Hey, haven't we been kinda distant lately? We should go out and do something sometime, right?" - the whole time, Kyungsoo had to breathe deep and remind himself only as a friend, only as a friend, he's only asking you as a friend.
He doesn't usually wear his heart on his sleeve, but his downcast mood must be obvious, because halfway into a conversation on SNSD's discography (one of Chanyeol's favorite things to talk about), he asks, "Hey, is there something wrong? You seem kinda... down, I guess? It's not like you."
Kyungsoo goes quiet, fidgeting with his fingers as he thinks about how to answer. We've only know each other for half a month, he decides, if he decides he doesn't want to be friends after this, it won't be life devastating. "I, um," he replies, "I'm thinking about coming out."
"Oh," Chanyeol says, mouth going almost perfectly round. "Well, that's rough. And really brave! I mean, it was hard for me to tell my parents that I -"
"You've come out to your parents?" Kyungsoo cuts in, interrupting in his excitement.
Chanyeol seems to flounder. "Well, I mean, not exactly coming out, but..."
"I really admire you for that," Kyungsoo says, and smiles. "I hope I can, too."
"I, uh - thanks?" Chanyeol replies, looking flustered for a few moments before he changes the subject and offers to let Kyungsoo practice his coming-out confession to him. Kyungsoo gladly takes him up on that, and he goes to sleep that night more satisfied with himself than he's been in weeks.
Kyungsoo's not sure how it happens, but one day he pulls up his e-mail drafts to find something he'd meant to send to one of his professors. Near the bottom, there's the one labeled subject: confession, to: Lim Hyunsik. He expects his heart to do the usual painful twist in his chest, but to his surprise, there's nothing.
Not five minutes later, Chanyeol IMs him with a cheerful greeting, and without thinking, Kyungsoo leans forward in his seat and smiles as he replies - it's halfway through typing "I'm good, how're you?" he realizes: he's still in love, just not with the same person.
A list of differences between Chanyeol and Hyunsik: Chanyeol knows he's gay. Chanyeol's never met him in real life. Chanyeol doesn't sit next to him in weekly a capella group meetings. If he asks Chanyeol out and gets rejected, it's not as if there will be rumors around campus. So it's a lot easier for him to confess to Chanyeol over webcam than it is to just send Hyunsik an e-mail, even if it's just as terrifying.
For a few moments, Chanyeol seems at a loss of words and Kyungsoo is all but prepared to hear the worst, but then Chanyeol says, "Um, sure, I'll go out with you." Kyungsoo smiles so wide his face almost hurts, and Chanyeol laughs embarrassedly.
They exchange numbers. Kyungsoo saves Chanyeol's into his phone as "Park Chanyeol (heart)".
Starting a relationship with Chanyeol is the first in a string of good things that happen to Kyungsoo. The second comes when Hongik University - his dream school for years, not to mention where Chanyeol takes classes - sends him a letter three weeks before fall semester starts to inform him that he's been accepted off their waitlist as a transfer student. Things are looking up for me now, Kyungsoo thinks to himself as he writes out an excited e-mail to Chanyeol telling him the news.
The next few days are a scramble to get things ready in time. Kyungsoo calls his parents to wheedle them into letting him go to Seoul by himself and accidentally comes out on when he tells them, "and my boyfriend lives there" without thinking - his mother drops the phone in surprise, but quickly reassures him that she still loves him, and that they'll talk more after things have settled down. He manages to find an apartment that's close enough to campus that's within his budget, and he arranges for a moving company to deal with his furniture and books. He and Chanyeol make plans to meet up, and Chanyeol even offers to help him get his things unpacked.
The weekend before he leaves, his friends from a capella come over to help him move his stuff into boxes. "Congratulations, Kyungsoo!" Hyunsik says, smiling brightly when he shows up. "Make sure not to forget us when you become a jaded city man, okay?"
It pretty much doesn't get better than this, Kyungsoo thinks. He's got a kickass farm on the internet, he's moving to Seoul to go to Hongik University, he's finally going to meet his boyfriend in person: there's not much more in life he can ask for.
Here's how Kyungsoo plans for things to go once he gets off the train: he'll take a deep breath and take his first step onto Seoul. Chanyeol will be there waiting, and after they greet each other, they'll kiss, and it'll be the stuff of modern day fairy tales - soppy and cliche, but the good kind of soppy and cliche, the sort of thing people are a little embarrassed to admit they want even though everybody secretly does.
This is how things actually go: he nearly gets knocked over as people rush to leave and meet with their loved ones, and it takes him almost ten minutes to find Chanyeol in the crowd. Chanyeol is a lot taller than Kyungsoo had imagined him to be (it occurs to him that in all the times they've ever talked over webcam, they've always been sitting), and he wonders vaguely - what are all the other ways that Chanyeol's different in real life than over the internet? Will he still like Chanyeol if he finds out that he bites his nails or if his room is unclean or if he doesn't return things when he borrows them?
Kyungsoo reaches out to tap Chanyeol's wrist and Chanyeol startles so badly that Kyungsoo takes a step back without realizing it. His smile falters - this isn't how it's supposed to go, is it? - and for a few moments Kyungsoo almost thinks maybe he has the wrong person when Chanyeol says, "Hi! Kyungsoo?"
"Park Chanyeol," Kyungsoo replies, smiling as he pushes down the nervousness building in his stomach. "You're even taller than I expected."
We've greeted each other, Kyungsoo thinks, so now should come the kiss. He takes a deep breath and gathers all his courage, trying not to think about it too much as he reaches up to pull Chanyeol down and press their lips together. The moment their lips touch, there's this momentary flinch and a look in Chanyeol's eyes that's more than just apprehension - Kyungsoo loses his nerve and backs off before Chanyeol even has a chance to kiss back.
When he lets go, Chanyeol stares dazedly for a few seconds too long, reaching up to touch his bottom lip - Kyungsoo smiles and Chanyeol flushes pink, opening and closing his mouth a few times without saying anything. Before the silence goes for so long it'd be awkward, Chanyeol suddenly seems to jerk out of his stupor, reaching out to grab Kyungsoo's luggage as he asks, "When is the rest of your stuff arriving?"
"I shipped it yesterday, so it should be at my apartment by now," Kyungsoo answers, and they make casual chit-chat as they make their way to the station exit. Talking to Chanyeol comes even easier in real life than it does over the internet, and Chanyeol chatters away the same as he always does - Kyungsoo decides to believe that he was reading too far into things.
The two of them spend the day unpacking Kyungsoo's things. "Thanks for helping me out," he says as he hands Chanyeol his pocketknife to cut open the packing tape on his boxes. "I really appreciate it. I don't know anybody else in Seoul yet, so..."
"Hey, it's no problem at all," Chanyeol replies, flashing a brief smile. "It's a Saturday, I don't have anything to do. And anyway, my roommate has a friend over, so I didn't really want to be home right now anyway."
"Your roommate - Sehun, right? You've talked about him a little before," Kyungsoo says.
Chanyeol nods. "He's annoying, I don't know why I live with him," he says, but he smiles and laughs. "Maybe because he's the least annoying out of all my annoying friends?"
"I want to meet him, though," Kyungsoo says. "I want to meet all of your friends."
For a moment, Chanyeol seems to freeze. "I'll warn you now, my friends say a lot of dumb stuff," he says.
"I don't mind," Kyungsoo replies, and smiles.
Instead of answering, Chanyeol changes the subject, and they have an hours-long debate on their favorite rappers as they move things around the apartment. "You win, you win," Chanyeol says after they finish unpacking the last box, smiling widely and pushing his hair out of his forehead as they slump against the wall together.
Kyungsoo leans over and rests his head on Chanyeol's shoulder. "Thanks," he says. "For helping out. I'm glad you were here today."
"Happy to be of help," Chanyeol replies. Kyungsoo tilts his head up towards Chanyeol's and for a moment they make eye-contact - this should be where Chanyeol meets him half-way and presses a kiss to his lips, he thinks, so he closes his eyes and waits.
The kiss doesn't come, and Chanyeol scrambles to get up a little too quickly. "I should go," Chanyeol says, and Kyungsoo doesn't question it.
There isn't a chance for Kyungsoo to meet any of Chanyeol's friends friends over the weekend, but he ends up running into a lot of them around campus - he meets Baekhyun in his vocal class ("I've heard a lot about you," Baekhyun says when they shake hands, "how does somebody as nice as you end up with somebody like Chanyeol?") and Jongin in his dance elective (which is fortunate for Kyungsoo, because Jongin patiently helps him rearrange his limbs into the the right position when he needs help, which is often) and Joonmyun in music history ("Are you a good student? You look like a good student. Don't let Chanyeol cheat off of you, okay?").
"Everybody you know is really nice," Kyungsoo says to Chanyeol when they meet up for lunch. "Where are the annoying ones?"
"I think you're just the one who's too nice," Chanyeol retorts, stealing one of Kyungsoo's fries. "But, seriously - everybody likes you a lot. That doesn't happen often, when it comes to the people I know."
"Thanks," Kyungsoo replies dryly.
Chanyeol laughs, taking another fry. "Hey, you know what I mean," he says cheerfully. "I'm glad you moved here, Kyungsoo. It's cool, hanging out with you in person."
"I'm glad too. That I'm here, with you. That you're my boyfriend." Kyungsoo hesitates for a moment, feeling his face flush pink before he adds, "I like you a lot, Park Chanyeol."
It always seems to take him a little too long to respond.
A week passes and Chanyeol doesn't come to visit his apartment, but Jongin does. "Kyungsoo hyung," he says carefully, looking a bit uneasy, "I wasn't sure if I should tell you this or not. But I think you deserve to know."
There's a part of him that already kind of knows what Jongin's going to say, but he doesn't want to believe it. "What is it?" he asks.
Jongin sighs. "Chanyeol's not gay. I mean - he likes you a lot as a person. And as a friend. But he's just..."
"Not gay," Kyungsoo echos. At this point, he almost wishes he were surprised.
That night, he gets a call from Hyunsik. "Kyungsoo! How are you?" he asks. "How's Seoul? How's Hongik? You're not homesick yet, are you?"
There's still an unsent e-mail sitting in Kyungsoo's drafts folder, subject: confession, to: Lim Hyunsik. Kyungsoo once thought sending it would be the bravest thing he could ever do, because Hyunsik was there, somebody he could touch and be touched by, and he realizes he still hasn't changed: same problem, different faces. "For better or for worse, I'm still hanging in there," he answers.
"That's the spirit," Hyunsik says.