make it better (jay-centric)
title: make it better
fandom: 2pm. jay-centric. ot7. oc included. :|
summary: there's a force keeping jay from going back to his natural roots.
i look for you in everyone.
Maybe it's his mind that's acting retarded or maybe it's his body that won't cooperate, but the land of the free isn't cooperating with him like it used to before.
"This burger," Jaebeom, now Jay, says through a mouthful of good old, de-frosted, hamburger. "Does not taste as good as I remember it."
He eyes the burger in his hands carefully as his little brother sets down his own. They're both sharing a cheap dinner in a nearby Burger King, the staple of this country.
"Maybe they changed the cooks? Dunno," his little brother Jehan says, propping his chin on his hand and tilting his head to the side. "Since when did you care?"
"You're right," Jay agrees and takes another hefty bite of the hamburger. His teeth chomp it up into meaty beats and he gets it all to go down in his stomach. However, it feels like he's just forced a rock down his throat and he's tempted to head straight to the bathroom to chuck it out. Or walk over to the counter to buy something a little healthier.
His brother giggles and Jay backs up into his side of the table, scared that his brother will snort chewed-up hamburger pieces all over him. But soon, he's laughing along with him and they're disrupting the quiet atmosphere that this Burger King is set in. Jay tries not to think about how when he laughs now, six laughing voices aren't chiming in the background.
"This sucks," Jay groans, and he mashes up all the used wrappers so he can throw them into the trashcan. He stands up from the table, with the balled up wrappers in his hand, and attempts to get it in the trash by a single throw. He shoots and misses the target, terribly. It bounces off the rim and drops down onto the floor, and he can't help but feel a little discouraged that nobody's making fun of him for missing.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Jehan asks when he looks first at his brother and then at the ball of trash that's sunk on the floor. "Pick it up so we can go home already."
Jay's feet stumble forward and he bends down, all the way to the floor, so he can do as his brother commands. After he disposes of it, and doesn't miss this time, he stands up straight to see that his brother's already opening the door for him.
"When do you work? Tomorrow?" Jehan asks when they're walking on the way home. Jay's got his hands down his pockets to trap them from the cold.
"Tomorrow," Jay confirms, answering the question. He turns towards his brother. "Can't you just tell by how excited I am?"
Jehan laughs again at his bad joke, but it's easy to make his own brother laugh. Jay can see their laughs turn into frosty circles of air and damn, it's a sign that the weather is getting really bad.
"Working on cars can help ease your mind," Jehan says out of nowhere, and Jay pays him a weird look.
"Since when did you get so wise?" Jay asks him, but assumes that Jehan is just naturally optimistic that way. Statistics say that most Americans are.
-
People think that working as a mechanic is such a drag, but for Jay, it's something to do in the meantime. Every oil change is mindless activity, and mindless activity is just what he needs to get his mind off every dilemma he's stuck in.
The work is hard but when he looks down at his fingers, stuck to grime and oil, it's a sense of purpose he feels, as silly as it sounds.
The instant he reaches for a nearby towel, he hears a clatter not too far away from him. Jay looks up to find out that the sudden sound is coming from a girl who's just came in. Judging by the noise, she's probably tripped over a can that's been blocking the opening of this store.
"Hey, what's up?" he greets in a friendly enough voice. The girl waves back at him and smiles timidly. Jay hopes to God she isn't a fan, he doesn't want to deal with anything that might stir a problem. She has guts if she happens to be one though, because she'd be the first to pay him a visit.
"You look really young to be the owner of this store," she says thoughtfully, and he jumps in to say something before assumptions can be made.
"No, I'm not. I just work here part-time," he corrects and her expression changes after he says that. Her shoulders slump in a more comfortable position and there's a big smile of relief on her face.
"Great. I don't think I could handle talking professionally," she says.
"Me neither," he agrees, and goes back to his job. He glances at the clock for a second, trying to add up how much time he has in this place.
"My car's broken down," the woman says, and Jay goes back to look at her again. She is a customer, after all. "Well, actually it's my dad's. He wanted me to take it here to get fixed-" she shrugs her shoulders, making herself look helpless and clueless at the same time. "-because I don't know a thing about cars, as you can probably tell-"
"You're cute," he cuts her off by saying. Jay's already lost himself just by looking closely at her, because her shoulders are tiny, like Wooyoung himself, and she's got big, girly eyes that could compete against Nichkhun's. And when she smiles at the compliment that happens to slip out of his mouth by accident, her smile is curved like Chansung's and her teeth are in a perfect row like Junsu's and her eyes do the same squinty thing like Junho's do. He can't think of anything about her that might compare to Taekyeon, but she's close enough to bring a familiar feeling back to where it's not supposed to be.
"Thanks?" her laugh causes Jay to snap out of whatever daze he's escaped to.
"Sorry, I dazed out for a second there," he apologizes, and slaps the side of his head for letting his mind lead to other things and comparing a girl he's just met to a group of 6 other boys. He wasn't supposed to do that.
"But I meant it," he says and there's something in his chest that gets warm when her smile gets bigger.
"You're so sweet," she tells him, and he replies to her by looking down at the ground and laughing at all the things that have managed to escape his mouth today.
"I don't often do that," he tells her, and she looks more than forgiving. "I don't usually say random things like that, I'm sorry-"
"And I don't usually get interested in the guys I first meet," she holds out her hand. "But I really want to hear more of the random things you say."
Jay looks at her hand with confusion and surprise. Then he slowly takes it, and holds it for a little longer than he should after they shake hands. "A date, then?" he proposes, and this is the most professional thing he's said in all the time he's worked today.
"Sure, but I'll need your name. Mine's Eleanor," she informs him, and he's still shaking her hand by the time he gives her his own name, and probably slipping a little bit of his heart while he's at it.
"Jay," he says, finally removing his hand from hers. Then he's hasty enough to skip ahead to the details. "When and where do you want to meet up?"
"I'm kind of at a loss to drive myself to places right now," she jangles her keys in front of him and he's reminded of the fact that her car is broken down.
"Oh, I'll pick you up then. I have a working car," he says. He grabs a pad of paper and a pen nearby. "Just give me your name-"
"I already told you-"
"Sorry! I didn't mean to say that-" he apologizes until what's-her-name steps up to him.
"Jay," Eleanor puts her hand on his forehead, already comfortable enough to lay a hand on him. "Calm down."
And Jay finally sees the part of Taekyeon that's in Eleanor. It's the part of Taekyeon that he never really got, but the fact that he always managed to get Jay to cool down in the most mind-breaking moments. The part of Taekyeon that made you think everything was okay, even when he didn't mean to do it. It was some type of spooky MC magic that he had to get people to feel better-
Forget Korea, Jay thinks to himself. You're in Seattle now.
Here, everything's easier.
-
"We might be visiting you a little later than expected."
Jay sighs into the phone, leader-like. It's just to poke fun at Wooyoung, of course. "Why? What happened? Tell me."
"Chansung stole from the trip-to-Seattle fund," he hears Taekyeon say, and there's a couple of grappling noises until Wooyoung's voice comes back on the line.
"Sorry, they're boxing it out. But yeah, what Taekyeon said was true. Chansung did steal from the fund to buy food for himself," Wooyoung says, and Jay's already tearing up in the eyes by how serious and stupid Wooyoung sounds. Visiting him is not that important, and it still sounds as stupid as the first time they laid out the plan on the table for him. We're going to save up the tiny amount of money we earn as idols, so we can run away from JYP and visit you.
"Oh, I can't take you guys seriously. I just can't," Jay says, and even Wooyoung has to stifle a laugh.
"You're going to take us seriously when all 7 of us show up at your doorstep, you hear me?" Wooyong threatens. Junho's voice drifts by to correct him.
"6. It's 6, not 7," Junho corrects him, and Jay can imagine Wooyoung's face turning a deep shade of red for making a mistake in his numbers.
"Learn how to count before you call me! You know what they say about education? It's important!" Jay yells over the phone, and Wooyoung's not afraid to yell back.
"It was a simple mistake! It's what I'm used to saying!" Wooyoung screams, and then there's weird scuffling noises that break up the line. Jay's eye twitches and he has to beat the phone with his hand to check if it's working.
"Hi, Jay, how've you been~" Junho says in a sickening, sweet tone, and it's nice to hear know his attitude's beeen the same.
"Why do you sound so gay?" Jay asks him.
"This is how I always sound," Junho says. "Happy."
"Let me talk to Jay! I want to see how he is," he can hear Junsu ask Junho. The phone's making scratching noises as it's being handed over to Junsu.
"Listen, what are the girls in America like?" Junsu asks, and Jay should've figured that he would ask that.
"Shut up, Junsu! That's what the internet's for!"
"But it's better to get Jay's opinion! Better to get it from a friend's than an unknown source-"
"Shut up, and stop making up excuses like you always do! And while you're doing that, stop pretending to like girls!"
"The chicks in America all look like Nichkhun," Jay says when he thinks of Eleanor's eyes, and Junsu repeats it to everybody. There's a round of "oh's" that could probably be heard throughout the room, but he doesn't know. He's not there with them.
"Really?" he hears Wooyoung ask. Jay rolls his eyes, and he still can't believe how this is still the best part of his day, whenever they call. He still can't believe how he still picks up the phone, even though he shouldn't be doing that to himself.
-
When Jay goes to sleep, he never really falls right to sleep. It's more like him pretending to, when it's really just his back sticking to the bed and his eyes still hanging open. He's not on any type of caffeine, he's just wanting to stay up until 2:00 in the morning, because he feels like that's the only way to close off his ties with them. Them, as in them.
But he never gets to, he always falls asleep an hour before then. He can't seem to forget, after all.
And here, he thought you could do everything in America.
-
"Going on a date?" Jehan asks when he passes by the bathroom. Jay's standing in it with his eyes straying over the compact area, and he still can't believe how much air there is in there. It's the first time he's ever stood in a bathroom where he wasn't cramped up in, and there's no random limbs reaching around for clothes or towels or toothpaste. It's just him, by himself.
He stuffs a toothbrush in his mouth, liking the feeling better where there were those random limbs twisted around his body.
"I'm picking up this girl," Jay says and then he remembers how today is usually the day he eats somewhere with Jehan. "Oh crap, I totally forgot-"
His sentence falls short when he sees Jehan wipe the smile off his face.
"Did you just smile?" he asks in a suspicious tone. Jehan shakes his head.
"No, of course not," Jehan says, but Jay doesn't believe him. He's got practice with chronic liars, coming from all the years he's known Junsu.
"I was going to go to a friend's house later tonight," Jehan says, finally giving up the truth. But this piece of news makes Jay happy, and it's like there's less leverage on his shoulders. He suddenly pats his brother on the back, and realizes that he's been keeping his brother all to himself.
"Good, hope you enjoy yourself. Now, get out of here," Jay says when he shoves his brother out of the bathroom. You've been a good brother anyway, keeping me company when I needed it.
-
Him and Eleanor are driving in his car when she's already asking questions.
"Got any friends here?" Eleanor asks, and Jay pretends he hasn't been sneaking glances at her eyes. They're the same shade as Nichkhun's, which makes it hard to not think about them for one second.
"A few," Jay answers. He tilts his head, feeling like he's lying to both her and himself.
"Actually, I have 6," he perks up.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. They're my best friends," Jay starts rattling off about 2PM, without even giving more of their background.
"We've known each other for a couple of years," Jay tells her proudly, and he's asking himself, Why are you talking about them, you stupid idiot?
"Tell me more," she asks, almost like she's begging to hear more. But Jay knows he's not that interesting.
"Um. Well, they're all different in their own way. Like, Wooyoung is this giant bitch behind the cute face and Nichkhun's probably the best looking out of us, and you know, he has these eyes that remind me of yours, and why am I rambling," he laughs it all off, but when he looks straight ijnto her eyes, she looks uncomfortable and unamused. A look way different from what he was going for.
He doesn't want to ask if he's done something wrong, because he's already so embarrassed, but thankfully, she does it for him.
"Stop the car," she orders, and he listens to her. When the car stops, it might as well be a train wreck.
"Don't get me wrong," Eleanor's telling him as she climbs out the car, remembering to take her purse with her. "I'm not some type of crazy fan stalking you or whatever, but I use the internet. Of course I'm going to know who you are, and where you come from."
She hangs her arm over the car door. "You even have a Wikipedia page."
Jay laughs. "I have to share it with 6 other guys."
"Well, I don't know too much about that," Eleanor shrugs her shoulders once again. "But you know what I know?"
"What?" he asks, a bit confused about what she's got to say.
"I'm not going to go out with a guy who doesn't belong here," Eleanor puts a hand over her mouth. "That was not supposed to come out sounding mean or racist-"
"Look, I know what you mean," Jay tells her, sighing in thought. He knows she understands. "I don't really feel like I belong here, either."
"Thanks," she says. She smiles one last time at him, and it's enough to break his heart off at the edges, but only a little bit. It's already broken in two anyway, and the other half's probably still in Korea.
"Have a good night," Eleanor tells him, and he holds onto her smile, or in other word's, Chansung's. Everything about her is just too similar, it's way too sad.
Jay backs up his car, and drives away from the curb, not sure where his destination is to next. He's probably only wasted a tiny amount of his gas when he decides to drive up to her again.
"Hey," he rolls down the window, almost feeling like he's being watched by Jo Kwon, who would definitely shun him for missing out on an opportunity with an American girl. Or he would take Jay for himself, depending on what his sexual orientation ever really was. Also, he's not in a mood to be alone, and he really doesn't want to try it out. It's not a feeling he's used to yet, and he doesn't want to try it out again.
"I'd be stupid if I let you walk home alone at night," is the first thing Jay says to Eleanor when the car is parallel to her footsteps. "We can hang out at like a Burger King, or something."
She laughs, but it's bitter. "What if I fall in love with you?"
He shrugs his shoulders, imitating her. "You won't. Korea turned me gay."
Jay watches how her face changes as thought comes along, and then there's the sound of the door to the passenger side opening. He watches her step back into the car.
"A burger sounds great, actually," she says, and it's a relief to have a normal conversation and a night that seems to be doing okay.
"Great!" Jay says with more enthusiasm that should be used, and flicks on the radio. There's a horrible song that blares out the speakers, and he shuts it right off.
"Ew, Justin Bieber," he judges and turns to Eleanor. "You should listen to our music. It's actually really good."
"I think I need more convincing than that."
"I'm serious! Have you heard of the Wonder Girls?"
The sad thing is that throughout the conversation, Jay's still thinking of them. Always them.
-
Jay doesn't care if this phonecall is bleeding his money dry, but he needs to hear one of their voices. The clock strikes 1:30, and he's already in anxiety.
"Hello?" Jay switches to Korean.
"Jay?" Nichkhun's voice comes through the signal.
"Horvejkul," Jay says in sheer joy, glad that somebody's there to listen.
"Park," Nichkhun says, having never really been the sharpest tool in the shed. "I didn't know we were on a last name basis."
"No, we're not," Jay holds onto his pillow until it's tight against his chest.
"You don't usually call at this time," Nichkhun notices, and Jay places his hand over his forehead. There's already sweat, no surprise there.
"I know I don't," Jay sighs. "I..."
"Jaebeom, do you know what time it is?" Jay almost bursts out with, “It's 2PM.”
"I know, I know," Jay says into the phone, letting raggedy breaths free from his throat. He's rubbing the sweat off his forehead, with nobody there to do it for him. "I just needed company and-Nichkhun, I don't want to forget."
"What are you talking about?"
"What I mean is, I don't want to forget you guys. I want to think about you guys all the time, and I want to keep on feeling like I'm going to die if I don't. I don't want to forget, I just can't-"
"Dumbass," Nichkhun calls him. Jay falls silent.
"Like we'd ever let you forget," Nichkun insists, and it's the first time Jay feels like he could be Park Jaebeom again. No, he is Jaebeom. He'll always be Park Jaebeom.
"Thanks," he quietly says over the phone, and closes his eyes. He can't believe he ever tried to remove 2PM from his mind, from his life. It's always going to be something that's always going to stay tacked to him, no matter where he is in the world.
He realizes it's love, and it's just going to follow Park Jaebeom to wherever he goes.
“You'll come back,” Nichkhun tells him, sounding so sure of what he's said. Jaebeom lets go of his pillow, believing in the same thing, too.
---
ugh. even though this sucks, at least it took my mind off things and at least one wip is down. and omg oc. idk where she came from, but it was to flesh out the story. um, eleanor came from sytycd. it's a pretty name.
fandom: 2pm. jay-centric. ot7. oc included. :|
summary: there's a force keeping jay from going back to his natural roots.
i look for you in everyone.
Maybe it's his mind that's acting retarded or maybe it's his body that won't cooperate, but the land of the free isn't cooperating with him like it used to before.
"This burger," Jaebeom, now Jay, says through a mouthful of good old, de-frosted, hamburger. "Does not taste as good as I remember it."
He eyes the burger in his hands carefully as his little brother sets down his own. They're both sharing a cheap dinner in a nearby Burger King, the staple of this country.
"Maybe they changed the cooks? Dunno," his little brother Jehan says, propping his chin on his hand and tilting his head to the side. "Since when did you care?"
"You're right," Jay agrees and takes another hefty bite of the hamburger. His teeth chomp it up into meaty beats and he gets it all to go down in his stomach. However, it feels like he's just forced a rock down his throat and he's tempted to head straight to the bathroom to chuck it out. Or walk over to the counter to buy something a little healthier.
His brother giggles and Jay backs up into his side of the table, scared that his brother will snort chewed-up hamburger pieces all over him. But soon, he's laughing along with him and they're disrupting the quiet atmosphere that this Burger King is set in. Jay tries not to think about how when he laughs now, six laughing voices aren't chiming in the background.
"This sucks," Jay groans, and he mashes up all the used wrappers so he can throw them into the trashcan. He stands up from the table, with the balled up wrappers in his hand, and attempts to get it in the trash by a single throw. He shoots and misses the target, terribly. It bounces off the rim and drops down onto the floor, and he can't help but feel a little discouraged that nobody's making fun of him for missing.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Jehan asks when he looks first at his brother and then at the ball of trash that's sunk on the floor. "Pick it up so we can go home already."
Jay's feet stumble forward and he bends down, all the way to the floor, so he can do as his brother commands. After he disposes of it, and doesn't miss this time, he stands up straight to see that his brother's already opening the door for him.
"When do you work? Tomorrow?" Jehan asks when they're walking on the way home. Jay's got his hands down his pockets to trap them from the cold.
"Tomorrow," Jay confirms, answering the question. He turns towards his brother. "Can't you just tell by how excited I am?"
Jehan laughs again at his bad joke, but it's easy to make his own brother laugh. Jay can see their laughs turn into frosty circles of air and damn, it's a sign that the weather is getting really bad.
"Working on cars can help ease your mind," Jehan says out of nowhere, and Jay pays him a weird look.
"Since when did you get so wise?" Jay asks him, but assumes that Jehan is just naturally optimistic that way. Statistics say that most Americans are.
-
People think that working as a mechanic is such a drag, but for Jay, it's something to do in the meantime. Every oil change is mindless activity, and mindless activity is just what he needs to get his mind off every dilemma he's stuck in.
The work is hard but when he looks down at his fingers, stuck to grime and oil, it's a sense of purpose he feels, as silly as it sounds.
The instant he reaches for a nearby towel, he hears a clatter not too far away from him. Jay looks up to find out that the sudden sound is coming from a girl who's just came in. Judging by the noise, she's probably tripped over a can that's been blocking the opening of this store.
"Hey, what's up?" he greets in a friendly enough voice. The girl waves back at him and smiles timidly. Jay hopes to God she isn't a fan, he doesn't want to deal with anything that might stir a problem. She has guts if she happens to be one though, because she'd be the first to pay him a visit.
"You look really young to be the owner of this store," she says thoughtfully, and he jumps in to say something before assumptions can be made.
"No, I'm not. I just work here part-time," he corrects and her expression changes after he says that. Her shoulders slump in a more comfortable position and there's a big smile of relief on her face.
"Great. I don't think I could handle talking professionally," she says.
"Me neither," he agrees, and goes back to his job. He glances at the clock for a second, trying to add up how much time he has in this place.
"My car's broken down," the woman says, and Jay goes back to look at her again. She is a customer, after all. "Well, actually it's my dad's. He wanted me to take it here to get fixed-" she shrugs her shoulders, making herself look helpless and clueless at the same time. "-because I don't know a thing about cars, as you can probably tell-"
"You're cute," he cuts her off by saying. Jay's already lost himself just by looking closely at her, because her shoulders are tiny, like Wooyoung himself, and she's got big, girly eyes that could compete against Nichkhun's. And when she smiles at the compliment that happens to slip out of his mouth by accident, her smile is curved like Chansung's and her teeth are in a perfect row like Junsu's and her eyes do the same squinty thing like Junho's do. He can't think of anything about her that might compare to Taekyeon, but she's close enough to bring a familiar feeling back to where it's not supposed to be.
"Thanks?" her laugh causes Jay to snap out of whatever daze he's escaped to.
"Sorry, I dazed out for a second there," he apologizes, and slaps the side of his head for letting his mind lead to other things and comparing a girl he's just met to a group of 6 other boys. He wasn't supposed to do that.
"But I meant it," he says and there's something in his chest that gets warm when her smile gets bigger.
"You're so sweet," she tells him, and he replies to her by looking down at the ground and laughing at all the things that have managed to escape his mouth today.
"I don't often do that," he tells her, and she looks more than forgiving. "I don't usually say random things like that, I'm sorry-"
"And I don't usually get interested in the guys I first meet," she holds out her hand. "But I really want to hear more of the random things you say."
Jay looks at her hand with confusion and surprise. Then he slowly takes it, and holds it for a little longer than he should after they shake hands. "A date, then?" he proposes, and this is the most professional thing he's said in all the time he's worked today.
"Sure, but I'll need your name. Mine's Eleanor," she informs him, and he's still shaking her hand by the time he gives her his own name, and probably slipping a little bit of his heart while he's at it.
"Jay," he says, finally removing his hand from hers. Then he's hasty enough to skip ahead to the details. "When and where do you want to meet up?"
"I'm kind of at a loss to drive myself to places right now," she jangles her keys in front of him and he's reminded of the fact that her car is broken down.
"Oh, I'll pick you up then. I have a working car," he says. He grabs a pad of paper and a pen nearby. "Just give me your name-"
"I already told you-"
"Sorry! I didn't mean to say that-" he apologizes until what's-her-name steps up to him.
"Jay," Eleanor puts her hand on his forehead, already comfortable enough to lay a hand on him. "Calm down."
And Jay finally sees the part of Taekyeon that's in Eleanor. It's the part of Taekyeon that he never really got, but the fact that he always managed to get Jay to cool down in the most mind-breaking moments. The part of Taekyeon that made you think everything was okay, even when he didn't mean to do it. It was some type of spooky MC magic that he had to get people to feel better-
Forget Korea, Jay thinks to himself. You're in Seattle now.
Here, everything's easier.
-
"We might be visiting you a little later than expected."
Jay sighs into the phone, leader-like. It's just to poke fun at Wooyoung, of course. "Why? What happened? Tell me."
"Chansung stole from the trip-to-Seattle fund," he hears Taekyeon say, and there's a couple of grappling noises until Wooyoung's voice comes back on the line.
"Sorry, they're boxing it out. But yeah, what Taekyeon said was true. Chansung did steal from the fund to buy food for himself," Wooyoung says, and Jay's already tearing up in the eyes by how serious and stupid Wooyoung sounds. Visiting him is not that important, and it still sounds as stupid as the first time they laid out the plan on the table for him. We're going to save up the tiny amount of money we earn as idols, so we can run away from JYP and visit you.
"Oh, I can't take you guys seriously. I just can't," Jay says, and even Wooyoung has to stifle a laugh.
"You're going to take us seriously when all 7 of us show up at your doorstep, you hear me?" Wooyong threatens. Junho's voice drifts by to correct him.
"6. It's 6, not 7," Junho corrects him, and Jay can imagine Wooyoung's face turning a deep shade of red for making a mistake in his numbers.
"Learn how to count before you call me! You know what they say about education? It's important!" Jay yells over the phone, and Wooyoung's not afraid to yell back.
"It was a simple mistake! It's what I'm used to saying!" Wooyoung screams, and then there's weird scuffling noises that break up the line. Jay's eye twitches and he has to beat the phone with his hand to check if it's working.
"Hi, Jay, how've you been~" Junho says in a sickening, sweet tone, and it's nice to hear know his attitude's beeen the same.
"Why do you sound so gay?" Jay asks him.
"This is how I always sound," Junho says. "Happy."
"Let me talk to Jay! I want to see how he is," he can hear Junsu ask Junho. The phone's making scratching noises as it's being handed over to Junsu.
"Listen, what are the girls in America like?" Junsu asks, and Jay should've figured that he would ask that.
"Shut up, Junsu! That's what the internet's for!"
"But it's better to get Jay's opinion! Better to get it from a friend's than an unknown source-"
"Shut up, and stop making up excuses like you always do! And while you're doing that, stop pretending to like girls!"
"The chicks in America all look like Nichkhun," Jay says when he thinks of Eleanor's eyes, and Junsu repeats it to everybody. There's a round of "oh's" that could probably be heard throughout the room, but he doesn't know. He's not there with them.
"Really?" he hears Wooyoung ask. Jay rolls his eyes, and he still can't believe how this is still the best part of his day, whenever they call. He still can't believe how he still picks up the phone, even though he shouldn't be doing that to himself.
-
When Jay goes to sleep, he never really falls right to sleep. It's more like him pretending to, when it's really just his back sticking to the bed and his eyes still hanging open. He's not on any type of caffeine, he's just wanting to stay up until 2:00 in the morning, because he feels like that's the only way to close off his ties with them. Them, as in them.
But he never gets to, he always falls asleep an hour before then. He can't seem to forget, after all.
And here, he thought you could do everything in America.
-
"Going on a date?" Jehan asks when he passes by the bathroom. Jay's standing in it with his eyes straying over the compact area, and he still can't believe how much air there is in there. It's the first time he's ever stood in a bathroom where he wasn't cramped up in, and there's no random limbs reaching around for clothes or towels or toothpaste. It's just him, by himself.
He stuffs a toothbrush in his mouth, liking the feeling better where there were those random limbs twisted around his body.
"I'm picking up this girl," Jay says and then he remembers how today is usually the day he eats somewhere with Jehan. "Oh crap, I totally forgot-"
His sentence falls short when he sees Jehan wipe the smile off his face.
"Did you just smile?" he asks in a suspicious tone. Jehan shakes his head.
"No, of course not," Jehan says, but Jay doesn't believe him. He's got practice with chronic liars, coming from all the years he's known Junsu.
"I was going to go to a friend's house later tonight," Jehan says, finally giving up the truth. But this piece of news makes Jay happy, and it's like there's less leverage on his shoulders. He suddenly pats his brother on the back, and realizes that he's been keeping his brother all to himself.
"Good, hope you enjoy yourself. Now, get out of here," Jay says when he shoves his brother out of the bathroom. You've been a good brother anyway, keeping me company when I needed it.
-
Him and Eleanor are driving in his car when she's already asking questions.
"Got any friends here?" Eleanor asks, and Jay pretends he hasn't been sneaking glances at her eyes. They're the same shade as Nichkhun's, which makes it hard to not think about them for one second.
"A few," Jay answers. He tilts his head, feeling like he's lying to both her and himself.
"Actually, I have 6," he perks up.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. They're my best friends," Jay starts rattling off about 2PM, without even giving more of their background.
"We've known each other for a couple of years," Jay tells her proudly, and he's asking himself, Why are you talking about them, you stupid idiot?
"Tell me more," she asks, almost like she's begging to hear more. But Jay knows he's not that interesting.
"Um. Well, they're all different in their own way. Like, Wooyoung is this giant bitch behind the cute face and Nichkhun's probably the best looking out of us, and you know, he has these eyes that remind me of yours, and why am I rambling," he laughs it all off, but when he looks straight ijnto her eyes, she looks uncomfortable and unamused. A look way different from what he was going for.
He doesn't want to ask if he's done something wrong, because he's already so embarrassed, but thankfully, she does it for him.
"Stop the car," she orders, and he listens to her. When the car stops, it might as well be a train wreck.
"Don't get me wrong," Eleanor's telling him as she climbs out the car, remembering to take her purse with her. "I'm not some type of crazy fan stalking you or whatever, but I use the internet. Of course I'm going to know who you are, and where you come from."
She hangs her arm over the car door. "You even have a Wikipedia page."
Jay laughs. "I have to share it with 6 other guys."
"Well, I don't know too much about that," Eleanor shrugs her shoulders once again. "But you know what I know?"
"What?" he asks, a bit confused about what she's got to say.
"I'm not going to go out with a guy who doesn't belong here," Eleanor puts a hand over her mouth. "That was not supposed to come out sounding mean or racist-"
"Look, I know what you mean," Jay tells her, sighing in thought. He knows she understands. "I don't really feel like I belong here, either."
"Thanks," she says. She smiles one last time at him, and it's enough to break his heart off at the edges, but only a little bit. It's already broken in two anyway, and the other half's probably still in Korea.
"Have a good night," Eleanor tells him, and he holds onto her smile, or in other word's, Chansung's. Everything about her is just too similar, it's way too sad.
Jay backs up his car, and drives away from the curb, not sure where his destination is to next. He's probably only wasted a tiny amount of his gas when he decides to drive up to her again.
"Hey," he rolls down the window, almost feeling like he's being watched by Jo Kwon, who would definitely shun him for missing out on an opportunity with an American girl. Or he would take Jay for himself, depending on what his sexual orientation ever really was. Also, he's not in a mood to be alone, and he really doesn't want to try it out. It's not a feeling he's used to yet, and he doesn't want to try it out again.
"I'd be stupid if I let you walk home alone at night," is the first thing Jay says to Eleanor when the car is parallel to her footsteps. "We can hang out at like a Burger King, or something."
She laughs, but it's bitter. "What if I fall in love with you?"
He shrugs his shoulders, imitating her. "You won't. Korea turned me gay."
Jay watches how her face changes as thought comes along, and then there's the sound of the door to the passenger side opening. He watches her step back into the car.
"A burger sounds great, actually," she says, and it's a relief to have a normal conversation and a night that seems to be doing okay.
"Great!" Jay says with more enthusiasm that should be used, and flicks on the radio. There's a horrible song that blares out the speakers, and he shuts it right off.
"Ew, Justin Bieber," he judges and turns to Eleanor. "You should listen to our music. It's actually really good."
"I think I need more convincing than that."
"I'm serious! Have you heard of the Wonder Girls?"
The sad thing is that throughout the conversation, Jay's still thinking of them. Always them.
-
Jay doesn't care if this phonecall is bleeding his money dry, but he needs to hear one of their voices. The clock strikes 1:30, and he's already in anxiety.
"Hello?" Jay switches to Korean.
"Jay?" Nichkhun's voice comes through the signal.
"Horvejkul," Jay says in sheer joy, glad that somebody's there to listen.
"Park," Nichkhun says, having never really been the sharpest tool in the shed. "I didn't know we were on a last name basis."
"No, we're not," Jay holds onto his pillow until it's tight against his chest.
"You don't usually call at this time," Nichkhun notices, and Jay places his hand over his forehead. There's already sweat, no surprise there.
"I know I don't," Jay sighs. "I..."
"Jaebeom, do you know what time it is?" Jay almost bursts out with, “It's 2PM.”
"I know, I know," Jay says into the phone, letting raggedy breaths free from his throat. He's rubbing the sweat off his forehead, with nobody there to do it for him. "I just needed company and-Nichkhun, I don't want to forget."
"What are you talking about?"
"What I mean is, I don't want to forget you guys. I want to think about you guys all the time, and I want to keep on feeling like I'm going to die if I don't. I don't want to forget, I just can't-"
"Dumbass," Nichkhun calls him. Jay falls silent.
"Like we'd ever let you forget," Nichkun insists, and it's the first time Jay feels like he could be Park Jaebeom again. No, he is Jaebeom. He'll always be Park Jaebeom.
"Thanks," he quietly says over the phone, and closes his eyes. He can't believe he ever tried to remove 2PM from his mind, from his life. It's always going to be something that's always going to stay tacked to him, no matter where he is in the world.
He realizes it's love, and it's just going to follow Park Jaebeom to wherever he goes.
“You'll come back,” Nichkhun tells him, sounding so sure of what he's said. Jaebeom lets go of his pillow, believing in the same thing, too.
---
ugh. even though this sucks, at least it took my mind off things and at least one wip is down. and omg oc. idk where she came from, but it was to flesh out the story. um, eleanor came from sytycd. it's a pretty name.