fecal matters: my dirty panties
WARNING: This is kind of TMI (read subject), but it is hilarious TMI. I promise! I mean really good stuff.
So the plan was to go run some errands, come home to an empty house, pour a glass of wine, and sit down and write a good personal entry but this is just too funny not to share.
I got off early from work (my last day. YAY!) and came home to relax on the couch. Not soon after I find myself sprinting to the bathroom. Liquid, LIQUID(!!!), endless liquid shit coming out of my ass. Gross, I know. I warned you. I'm sitting there questioning out loud what the hell did I eat and thanking God that this happened at home and I was able to make it to the toilet on time.
What did I eat? Barbeque cocktail weanies at a questionable person's house party. Why? Because I'm a fatty who enjoys a good cocktail weanie. So hard to resist.
So I finally make it out of there alive after numerous promises to Jesus to be a better person.
Skip to later this night. I had to run to Target and Walmart... Get to Walmart, trying to get in and out, because I HATE Walmart. Their power had been out (there had been thunderstorms all day) and it was hot as fuck in there. I mean literally I was walking around wondering if my ass was sweating it was sooo hot!!
Get home to find no my ass was not sweating, it was leaking. OMG ANAL FUCKING LEAKAGE! Who the hell does this even happen to in real life!? Did someone slip me an alli!?
So really. The next time you're walking around Walmart and you see the scruffy, greasy looking folks who you'd imagine to be nasty mother suckers with skid marks, you are probably wrong. They are probably just fine. But that petite, blonde named Kelly, she probably has dirty panties.
So the plan was to go run some errands, come home to an empty house, pour a glass of wine, and sit down and write a good personal entry but this is just too funny not to share.
I got off early from work (my last day. YAY!) and came home to relax on the couch. Not soon after I find myself sprinting to the bathroom. Liquid, LIQUID(!!!), endless liquid shit coming out of my ass. Gross, I know. I warned you. I'm sitting there questioning out loud what the hell did I eat and thanking God that this happened at home and I was able to make it to the toilet on time.
What did I eat? Barbeque cocktail weanies at a questionable person's house party. Why? Because I'm a fatty who enjoys a good cocktail weanie. So hard to resist.
So I finally make it out of there alive after numerous promises to Jesus to be a better person.
Skip to later this night. I had to run to Target and Walmart... Get to Walmart, trying to get in and out, because I HATE Walmart. Their power had been out (there had been thunderstorms all day) and it was hot as fuck in there. I mean literally I was walking around wondering if my ass was sweating it was sooo hot!!
Get home to find no my ass was not sweating, it was leaking. OMG ANAL FUCKING LEAKAGE! Who the hell does this even happen to in real life!? Did someone slip me an alli!?
So really. The next time you're walking around Walmart and you see the scruffy, greasy looking folks who you'd imagine to be nasty mother suckers with skid marks, you are probably wrong. They are probably just fine. But that petite, blonde named Kelly, she probably has dirty panties.